Every betch has experienced this moment online dating: you swipe right, he swipes right, you get to talking and he doesn’t immediately seem like the type of person who would wear your skin as a suit. Ah, the romance. But then you inevitably get to the part of the conversation where you have to, like,
shatter the illusion meet them IRL. Ugh. And because we live in a world where flaming heaps of garbage can have dating apps you have to be super specific about where you want to meet up. Once I told a guy we should meet up for drinks and was not specific about the locale (though I was specific about the day) and it ended in nudes. Typical. Turns out the day I picked was the same day a freak blizzard hit NYC and everything shut down except for apparently the thirsty AF trolls on Bumble. The troll I was talking to suggested that I was a meteorologist in my spare time and thus knew the blizzard was hitting and in that case would I like to come over to his place to Netflix and chill? This request was then followed up with a mirror selfie of his semi-naked body. I so love being single.
The moral of this story is, be fucking specific about where you want to meet up for a first date. And because it’s 2017 and women have all the power. I mean not when it comes to reproductive rights or anything, but hey, at least we can confidently pick our first date location for a date with our Bumble Bro of the Month. We’ve already established all the places you 100 percent should not go on a first date lest your body parts end up for sale on Craigslist. So here’s a comprehensive guide to all the bars in the city that are perfect date locations whether you’re DTF, ready to find your next
victim boyfriend, or trying to make your ex jealous. Dating is so fun, y’all!
Date Vibe: I’m nervous you might be ugly
This bar is in Bed-Stuy so you’ll sound edgy AF for suggesting it and also like you know the “real” Brooklyn night scene. Dynaco has a soft spot in my heart because I’ve personally taken a lot of Bumble bros there, so don’t say I’ve never done any research. It’s got a very cool, hipster vibe, in the sense that the place has barely any lighting and the bar is cash only. Gotta love the hipsters. The good news here is that the shitty lighting can work in your favor. Like if you’re having one of those weeks where your body, skin, and hair are ganging up against you to sabotage your happiness. The bad news is your date might be banking on the same fucking thing. If you choose this spot you either need to be super naive trusting of a person’s profile pics or you need to have done some serious stalking on their social profiles beforehand just to make sure you aren’t kittenfished in any way.
2. THE STANDARD BIERGARTEN
Date Vibe: I’d make, like, the chillest fucking girlfriend ever.
The Standard Biergarten is one of my all-time favorite places in the city to blackout in have a good time in. It’’s basically a huge, open, free for all, and an easy enough space to disappear into the crowd if you aren’t vibing your date is short. Plus it’s fun AF, which makes it the perfect first date spot. This is definitely the type of place that says “I want to be your girlfriend” but subtly because you’re holding a beer mug the size of your head. If you suggest this place it makes you seem fun but, more importantly, chill. Like you’re not the type of girl that three weeks in will call him 20 times in a row and message his mom on Facebook for birthday gift recommendations. Lol, got ‘em.
Date Vibe: I’m DTF with video games & your head.
Have you ever dated a guy before that you literally could not give one shit about impressing? Like, you could call him drunk on New Year’s Eve, profess your undying love for him, and then not call him again for three weeks and he’d still be there waiting in the wings? AND you wouldn’t feel an ounce of embarrassment about your behavior? Yeah, Barcade is that dude of first dates. The beauty of this date spot is that you can take the bro you’re unsure about here and no one will be the wiser. Reminiscent of a vintage arcade, this place is chiller than your living room on Game of Thrones night. Don’t bring someone here if you see some sort of potential with them because this is a hookup only type of place. I, mean, it’s an establishment that promotes playing games for god’s sake. Think about it.
4. MIDDLE BRANCH<
Location: Murray Hill
Date Vibe: I’m here
for your money because we have a lot in common
Located in an unmarked two-story townhouse in Murray Hill (vomit), Middle Branch is the typical “cool NYC speakeasy” that you only ever go to to make your friends back home in suburbia feel jealous. And while you normally wouldn’t go to an establishment like this on your own (hello, you want me to pay HOW MUCH for a glass of pinot?), it’s a great place to meet up for a date. Middle Branch reeks of pretentiousness so bring the guy that makes you feel like the Blair to his Chuck Bass. Though I’m sure unlike Blair you’re interested in more than just this guy’s money (lol, k). The vibe here is sexy sophistication and if you choose this spot then you’ll look sexy and sophisticated too and not like the thought of buying a $12 glass of wine makes you want to break out into hives.
5. DOWN THE HATCH
Location: West Village
Date Vibe: Fuck it, let’s take shots
I literally only suggested this place because it’s close to work and that’s kind of their vibe: convenience. Like, Dynaco, it’s not a place to bring someone you might be serious about. But if you’re looking to make out with a virtual stranger have a fun time with your date then this is for sure the place for you. They’ve got foosball and beer pong in the back and happy hour is from 11AM – 8PM because this establishment would be nothing without their patrons undergrads with fake IDs. That said, it’s perfect for the 21 year old you just matched with who thinks you’re “wise” and “endearing” because you’re 25 and have a stable 9-5 job.
6. SALVATION TACO
Location: Murray Hill
Date Vibe: I’m
fun and flirty basic AF
Again, you’ll have to brave the douchebag Murray Hill crowd to get to this place, but odds are if you picked this establishment you were probably already meeting that douchebag for your date anyways. A mix between a rooftop happy hour spot and a restaurant with bangin’ tacos, suggesting Salvation Taco will make you seem fun and flirty when really you’re as basic as they come. I, mean, chips and gauc? Margaritas? Were you also in a sorority? Are you currently wearing some sort of Michael Kors designed item on your body? Yeah, you’re basic AF but odds are your date will be too distracted by the rooftop views and lively atmosphere to notice. Be sure to take advantage of the margaritas because one, they’re amazing and two, there’s no better way to start a relationship than by guzzling a substantial amount of tequila to mask your emotional insecurities.