Happy National Masturbation Month, betches! We’re all about men being replaced by machines these days, because who wants a guy that brags about his d*ck size during your first conversation, or even worse, asks for nudes even though you’ve never even hung out? You’re 31 years old, Logan. Get your sh*t together. So of course, masturbation doesn’t just deserve a day or a Seinfeld episode about it—it deserves a whole month! Above all, the most important thing in life is to love yourself, and what better way to do it than rubbing one out? As someone who has been a member of the Good Vibe Tribe to the point where I’m on a first-name basis with the fine employees of the Pleasure Chest (at both NYC locations), follow me as I give you a rundown on the crème de la cum of the best vibrators out there.
LELO SONA Cruise
If I could, I would write my Lelo Sona Cruise 365 letters, every day for a year. Unfortunately, my vibrator reads as much as our president (i.e. not at all). But I could still get romantic with my Lelo Sona Cruise in the rain à la Noah and Allie because it’s waterproof. (Wow, I make more references about my relationship with a toy to The Notebook than I ever had with my boyfriends). The fact that you can take it to the shower or bath isn’t its number one benefit, although in the words of Kathryn Dennis, “It’s waterproof, so it goes where I go.” I wholeheartedly believe that this is the toy that every girl needs. It borderline gives you oral sex. Even when you’re not in the mood, you can just reach for it if you’re bored or wanna take a nap without taking an Ambien and it’ll leave you satisfied, smiling, and a little bit sleepy.
Vesper Vibrator Necklace
Why get a boyfriend who buys you jewelry every time he f*cks up when you can just get a piece of jewelry that doubles as a vibrator? No drama, no stress, all while looking chic and…you know…satisfied. The Vesper is a necklace that you can wear out in public, and it looks surprisingly stylish for an accessory that spends a lot of time in your nether regions. It comes in silver, rose gold, and gold. It heats up and the little guy is small but mighty, so you’re guaranteed to get off. Plus, it has the Gwyneth Paltrow stamp of approval, but it’s the kind of stamp of approval that isn’t debunked by NASA or medical professionals. It’s the stamp of approval that means it’s totally worth it and you can not-so-humbly brag about it.
Svakom Siime Selfie Stick
There is nothing less sexy than hearing the phrase “mutual masturbation.” Is there a word for cottonmouth from when you take Adderall, but it happens to your vagina? Cottonvagina? That’s literally what happens to me when I hear that term. Anyway, this selfie stick for your vag makes *gulp* mutual masturbation *gags* a lot hotter for both parties. Sending nudes can kind of be the worst. I only take mine when I’m morning skinny or my friends and I just exchange each others’ nudes and guys are none the wiser that we’re sending nudes of other people. God, we’re weird. Anyway, this selfie camera-turned-vibrator goes IN your vagina and your partner can get a load of what’s going on inside of you when you orgasm. Think of it as a porn parody of Osmosis Jones.
GLUVR Finger Vibrator
This lil guy slips on to your pointer finger and your thumb so that you can stimulate your G-spot and your clit at the same time. It takes the old school version of what feels like spinning the turntables to a whole different level. Yes, ladies, finger-banging is not just for 9th graders who try to take it to the next level after dry humping to John Mayer. I’ve always been a strong believer that rule number one for guys when finger-banging a girl is USE. YOUR. TONGUE. That’s it. But here, I make the exception because it’s doesn’t involve Jack Sparrow rifling through your treasure chest to find your cursed pink pearl. This actually feels good because a) it vibrates and b) it stimulates the two main erogenous zones without having to do some major finger yoga to get yourself off.
The Heart-Curve Chakrub
I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve heard nothing but good things about healing crystals. It’s just that Spencer Pratt gave them a bad name because he’s Spencer Pratt. My friends who aren’t even that into hippy dippy, New Age-y stuff swear by healing crystals. Rose quartz activates your heart chakra, which is the chakra that is connection with love and affection. By bringing your awareness to your fourth chakra through your second chakra (aka the chakra that’s situated in your hoo-hah), this rose quartz dildo will not only get you off, but it gives you a spiritual experiences that opens your heart, mind, and vagina. For more information on crystal healing, definitely check out Well+Good or Goop. Or, if you don’t get around to reading until four months from now, check out Poosh!
huge if true pic.twitter.com/jSXCepYKkf
— big guy (@_bean_tv) April 30, 2019
Lelo Ora 2
No, this article is not sponsored by Lelo. Yes, I am gassing them up so that I can one day be sponsored by Lelo. It’s how most influencers get sponsored by Revolve, so it’s a pretty brilliant strategy. The Sona Cruise is similar to oral sex, but the intention of Oral 2 is that it takes to mimicking oral sex to a whole different level. It has won hella sex toy awards, and I absolutely want to attend one of those award shows. Essentially, this toy has a bead underneath the silicone that has different settings to swirl around your clit, thus simulating oral sex. And the best part is, if you’re having a day where you’re just feeling lazy, there’s no reciprocity to suck your partner’s d*ck if you’re just not in the mood.
Merry Masturbation Month, everybody! And remember:
Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.
We think that kids believe the stupidest things, but turns out, so do adults. Throughout history, people have believed tons of crazy myths about sex, no matter how ridiculous they sound to us now. But at the time, these people thought they were right (and they probably thought they were like, really smart). I don’t mean to sound smug, because the reality is, even today people still believe a variety of sex myths. And, look, I get it. Sex can be uncomfortable. Sometimes it feels like limbs are everywhere, and it can be overall an awkward experience. For some people (not me because I publicly write about my sex life), the thought of talking about sex with their parents, friends, or doctor is scary and uncomfortable, so they turn to the internet, which we all know is not always the source of reliable information.
To be honest, as a kid, I was so uncomfortable with the idea of sex that I refused for my mom to ever give me “the talk.” Hard to believe, I know. All I can say is thank God that the internet exists, or I would definitely still believe some of my own absurd sex myths. Here is a list of some of the craziest sex myths throughout history, that you’ll have trouble believing other people even took seriously (I hope).
Farts Caused Erections
Aphrodisiacs are a beautiful thing. Oysters, chocolate, wine, etc. are considered to be aphrodisiacs. But we don’t typically think of foods that make us gassy to be foods to set the mood. But up until the 18th century, Roman physician Galen believed foods that are “warm and moist” (yuck) and “windy” (aka that make you fart) were aphrodisiacs. Spicy foods (specifically peppers), carrots, asparagus, and others were thought to get people horny. Why? Because people used to believe that erections were caused by wind inflating the penis. Oh god. I don’t even have time to get into all the ways this is wrong. I trust you all took some basic sex ed, yes?
Sneezing After Sex
People really used to believe this myth that in order to prevent pregnancy, you needed to sneeze. Greek Physician Soronus recommended a woman do squats, sneezes, and then rinse out her vagina to avoid getting pregnant. This sex myth is absurd … if I just
had sex did some exercise, I don’t want to do more exercise by doing squats. And if this were the case, no person with seasonal allergies or a cold would ever get pregnant. Honestly, I wish it were that easy—then we would never have unwanted pregnancies.
Masturbation Cures Hysteria
This sex myth is crazy. Starting in the first century A.D., hysteria was described as a female-specific illness and was a result of a “wandering womb.” So what was the cure? Doctor-induced orgasms. It was thought that an orgasm (known as hysterical paroxysm) could help cure a woman of her symptoms. As a result, the vibrator was developed to help doctors with their verrry difficult jobs. The worst part? “Hysteria” was considered a medical condition in the DSM (aka the psychiatry bible) until 1980!!! Aka 5 years after the Vietnam War ended and Jaws was released. (Ever realize that a hysterectomy is the word for when a woman’s uterus is removed? Yeah.)
You Can’t Get Pregnant From Rape
This list of sex myths could not be complete without a scarily recent one by Republican Senate candidate Todd Akin. In 2012, he told KTVI-TV that if a woman is legitimately raped, her body has a way of rejecting the sperm so she does not get pregnant. WTF?? The best part of his statement is that he said, “from what I understand from doctors.” I’m sorry, but what doctor is he talking to? Because they can’t possibly be licensed physicians. Also, don’t get me started with his use of “legitimate rape.”
Masturbating Ruins Your Eyesight
In 1758, Samuel Tissot, a Swiss physician, believed that the more semen a man lost from masturbating, the worse his eyesight would be. He wrote a whole book on the disease of masturbation. V curious about what other sex myths he believed. This sex myth also made people believe that masturbation causes a wide range of symptoms and that it is a disease in and of itself.
Periods Deform Babies
The French believed that if you had sex on your period and got pregnant, the baby would be deformed. The Curse: A Cultural History of Menstruation outlines the history of period myths. The book says that a baby conceived while a woman has her period will be “puny, languid, and moribund, subject to an infinity of fetid maladies, foul and stinking.” What vivid, gross imagery! There is also the myth that if you’re on your period, you can’t get pregnant. Although unlikely, it is still possible, making this among the common sex myths that people still believe. TBH people believe the craziest things about vaginas in general.
Thank god we as a society still don’t believe some of these truly ridiculous sex myths, but we still have a long way to go when it comes to understanding the human body (and particularly the female anatomy). If nothing else, this proves we really need better sex education.
Images: Giphy (3)
Paddling the pink canoe, hitchhiking south, feelin’ yourself… whatever you call it, we’re here to tell you that masturbation is an essential part of your self-care routine—and way more fun than a bath bomb or a yoga class (unless it’s goat yoga, obvs). Like sex, there’s always room for improvement. Whether that’s adding a toy, switching up your technique, or just making more time for masturbating. Here are 7 solo sex tips to super-charge your solo play.
1. Use Lube
Squeeze a small dollop of water-based lube onto your index and middle fingers, and use them to lightly massage your inner labia and clitoris. If you tend to get wet easily, you might not need the slippery stuff for this. But when it comes to insertable sex toys, we’re telling you—wetter is always better.
2. Explore Your Body
It’s easy to head straight for the most obvious erogenous zones, but incorporating other parts of your body can add a whole new level of intensity to the experience. Stroke and squeeze your nipples, caress your thighs and stomach, run your fingers through your hair… basically whatever feels good at that moment. You might discover a sweet spot you never knew you had.
3. Take Your Time
Masturbation can feel a little functional sometimes (anyone else do it when they can’t sleep?). We get it. Some days all you want is a speedy release, especially if you’re busy and all you can think about is… getting busy. (Sorry, had to.) Long, drawn-out solo sessions can be amazing, though, especially if you’re into being teased. Try lightly stroking everywhere except for the places you want to touch most—until you can no longer stand it. Or try “edging”, which means masturbating and stopping each time you’re about to come. Do this again and again, building arousal and anticipation until you can’t wait any longer. When you finally give in, it’s gonna be totally worth it.
4. Change Your Technique
Your tried-and-tested technique might mean an orgasm is a dead certainty, but what about if you had a whole heap of self-pleasure tactics in the bag? Always rub your clit in a circular motion? Try tapping it instead. Do you usually lie on your back? Try grinding against a pillow on your front. Learning to appreciate varying levels of pressure and different speeds also means that when you’re with someone else you won’t be waiting for them to touch you in a certain way—you’ll just enjoy the ride.
5. Get A Sex Toy
Kudos if you already have a rabbit vibe burrowed in your bedroom drawer or a bullet vibe that’s barely ever out of charge. If you don’t, it’s time to add some motorized fun to me-time. Buying yourself a toy is an empowering act of self-love. Plus, there are hundreds of thousands of options to choose from. A word of warning, though—while reaching for your rumbliest vibe might be a speedy route to the Big O, it’s easy to become reliant on your favorite setting to get you off. Try banning toys from the bedroom every now and then to get back in touch with your body.
6. Play With Temperature
Speaking of toys, this one is a game changer. Stimulation through heat or cold gives the body a rush of sensations that are translated into arousal. Dip your temperature-responsive glass or metal dildo in ice water or warm it before you use it (always test it on your arm to avoid hurting yourself). Some lubes and balms offer the same sensations. Try a tingly, peppermint oil-infused orgasm balm like Lovehoney Bliss Orgasm Balm, or smooth Sensuva Ice Cube Flavored Cooling Nipple Balm over your nipples for an almost-instant cooling effect.
7. Do It Together
Mutual masturbation with a partner—where you pleasure yourselves but don’t touch each other—can be seriously hot. There’s something erotic about seeing someone you’re into lose control. It’s also a great way for you to see how each other’s bodies respond to different types of touch. For lots of people, showing someone what usually happens in private can feel incredibly intimate, and even a little scary at first. But, getting out of your comfort zone and sharing such an intimate act can boost your confidence and make you feel like a straight-up sex goddess.
For more sex-positive tips and tricks, plus a foreword from Killer and a Sweet Thang’s Eileen Kelly, download Lovehoney’s free, fully interactive e-book, UNI:SEX.
When it comes to vibrators, I have somewhat limited experience. Specifically, I took one trip to Babeland my junior year of high school to pick out a vibrator I’d seen on an episode of Sex and the City. (A newer model, obviously. Vibrator shopping is not the time to go vintage.) And courtesy of a shitty high school boyfriend, I was almost immediately discouraged from ever using said vibrator. Apparently, bringing in outside help (even on my own), was “insulting.” Whenever I attempted to broach the topic again, my boyfriend literally gave me the silent treatment (real catch, I know).
So before we dive in, let me say that you should dump any partner who tries this bullshit on you. Swiftly. I’m not saying that they’re not allowed to have any opinions or input. But if someone ascribes to the idea that they “own” your orgasms—to the extent that they feel threatened by a couple of triple-A batteries—then they’re not worthy of your time. *Waits for 2/3 of readers to dump their shitty BFs via text* Anyway, let’s discuss how to incorporate vibrators into your sex life.
Figure Out What You Like
Even if you’ve found a vibrator/method you like (and especially if you haven’t), I strongly encourage you to keep experimenting. As with all other sex acts, you really want to avoid falling into a rut with your vibrator. And if you’re using it with a partner for the first time, you’ll definitely need to coach them on how you want the vibrator used. So you can either do that background research on your own, or you can make finding out part of the fun.
A few ways you can do this: try different speeds, areas, and levels of pressure on or near your clit. Try putting it inside yourself. Try it on different parts of your body (Refinery29 suggests trying it on your nipples, or as a back massager.) Use it with lube. Try holding it yourself, and try having your partner hold it. Also, try it both over and under clothes. I actually thought I hated vibrators for a while because I was basically just bludgeoning my nerve endings with it. If you’re easily over-stimulated, leave your underwear on next time you use a vibrator. It could be a total game changer.
Add It To Foreplay
Ah, foreplay. While far too often relegated to three minutes of making out plus some vague nipple pinching, foreplay really shouldn’t end until you’re 100% ready for the next phase. “Ready” in this case largely refers to being wet, but not exclusively. IDK about you, but I like a good amount of time to get in the right mindset. Otherwise we’re suddenly boning and I realize I’m still thinking about the Dewan-Tatum situation. IMO, using a vibrator can totally change the foreplay experience, and you have lots of options. If teasing is a turn-on for you or your partner, you can use the vibrator on yourself and set a rule. Your partner isn’t allowed to touch you until you say. Or, if you like your partner to dominate you, they can use it on your clit/start fingering you until you’re audibly and visibly ready to move on. Bonus: both these moves are made even hotter if the person not holding the vibrator is tied up.
Add It To Sex
Personally, I think doggy style is one of the best positions for you to use a vibrator. First of all, your partner should be paying attention to your clit anyway. Second, doggy feels deeper and tighter than most positions. So, combining the sensation with a vibrator is basically a sensory overload in the best way possible. Best case: you’re getting G-Spot and clit stimulation at the same time. Worst case: it’s overly intense, so you make some adjustments. (E.g. lower vibrator setting, less direct clit contact, trying a new angle).
If you want to keep the intensity of doggy but prefer to hold the vibrator yourself, you can modify doggy slightly by lying in a fetal-ish position on your side. Your partner kneels behind you, and you lift your top leg if you want them to go even deeper. If you want both partners to hold the vibrator (which can be really hot), you should try it while spooning. Controlling the vibrator together is even hotter when you have that full-body contact. That being said, you can use a vibrator in pretty much any position. (Maybe not ultra-close missionary.) You be the judge of your partner’s dexterity and ability to multi-task and plan accordingly.
If you’ve tried a million vibrators and it’s just not for you, that’s totally fine. But if you’ve held off so far because you’ve been scared into thinking you’re “replacing a man” or you think that all vibrators are basically hot-pink cement mixers, I beg you to get back in the game. The vibrator industry exists to help you get off. Treat finding your signature vibrator with the same energy you gave finding a signature scent, and get to work.
Images: Giphy (4)
So I’m a normal human being, which means I love having orgasms. But finding decent men to fuck has forever been an endeavor. For years I’ve lowered my standards and did the nasty with guys who lacked personality, wore salmon colored pants, or even liked Coldplay, all because I thought my number was too low (now it’s definitely not).
Recently I was like, STFU Carly—my name’s Carly—you don’t like going home with strangers and you actually hate when the morning sun reveals things on his nightstand you can’t unsee (a utility sized ketchup bottle, VHS porno, ticket stubs to Coldplay). So I stopped lowering my standards at dive bars that wreaked of low self-esteem and fuckboys, and started staying in. I’ve never been one to take matters into my own hands (or fingers, rather)—I’m an old fashioned rub-my-clit-on-a-pillow kind of betch. But I decided to go on my own sex journey and fill my vagina with electronics. It is the digital age, after all.
I started with a vibrator I actually owned. Something I bought on a “me” day but never used. I grabbed B Swish Bwild Classic Vibrator out of my receipt drawer. Yes, I keep my receipts because I’m a grown-ass woman who’s scared of the government. I bought it in pink because I’m a fucking princess. It’s smooth and slutty, it’s cheap—just like me.
Admittedly what caught my attention first was the price. I didn’t know if I would ever actually use it but, at around $36 (or like, two green juices) the risk seemed worth the reward. The reward being a sweet orgasm by myself where I can take one night off from touching, smelling, and licking a dick. It’s not called a blow job for nothing. I need two weeks vacay.
My vagina is actually extremely sensitive to the cold, so I wrapped it in a blanket to warm it up. Did I want to hump this blanket? Sure. But I resisted. I don’t always need to masturbate as if there was a power outage. It was time to put something that resembled an electric toothbrush in me.
At first I was like “am I doing this right?” But it took about as long as Zayn’s solo career to understand why this is a thing. It felt goooooood and I wasn’t preoccupied by how much I would regret this in the morning. I take a long time to really imagine an entire fantasy, so thank god for the five fucking fantastic vibration settings. Not one second of boredom.
Batteries are included and with a total use time of three hours, I immediately cancelled drinks that night. It was hard to skip the vodka, but I wanted to be filled with something else (I already own a shit ton of vodka, anyway). Oh yeah, the Bwild is waterproof, which is perfect because I love long showers. And also sometimes cry when I orgasm.
I feel like I made a friend. As I write this, my Bwild is on the couch next to me begging me to play. Actually, um, I should go. I have to wash dishes. Yeah, that’s it. I know we had plans to hang tonight, but I’m gonna have to cancel those.
I give the B Swish Bwild Classic 10 O’s out of 10 O’s.
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Say what you will about all the political insanity in 2017, but it has one thing going for it: Women don’t have to pretend to be delicate flowers who blush at the mention of sex anymore. (Even if we still have to fight for our right for contraception if we decide to have said sex. But anyway.) We’re modern fucking ladies, and we obviously enjoy sex as much as any fuckboy, provided he can keep up. That’s what the Women’s March was about, right? Uh, right. The only problem is that if a guy can’t keep up with your uninhibited libido, you’re faced with the female version of blue balls (blue ovaries? Blue tubes?) while you struggle to hide your disappointment and tell him that everything’s fine, you totally came and it was great. That, or you’re Googling ways to make sex last longer, hoping you don’t die in mysterious circumstances before you can delete your browser history. Nobody, especially not the dedicated detectives who make up the elite squad investigating your death, needs to know your sex life is anything less than screaming, orgasmic perfection every time.
But that’s what strangers on the internet are for—to tell you how to have good sex that lasts longer than your last pap smear. So if you’re at the “desperate Googling” stage of banging some bro with poor stamina, my advice is to try these tactics—because it’s generally frowned upon to pull a Rachel Green and tell him, “It’s not that common, it doesn’t happen to every guy, and it is a big deal!”
1. Hold Off On The P-in-V
Your vagine is a miraculous place, so maybe dudes can be forgiven for coming too fast. If your fuckboy comes as soon as he thinks about putting it in, there’s an easy solution: Don’t put it in as quickly as possible. Hold off on the P-in-V bit until you’re closer to coming, so you don’t have to play sexual catch-up. This is a double win for you because now your guy really has no excuse not to give you more foreplay. Isn’t logic amazing?
2. Make Things Awkward
If you’ve been banging the same guy regularly, you obviously know each others’ bodies well—maybe too well. Try something new in the hopes that the unfamiliarity (read: probable awkwardness) will make him last longer. Branching out also has the bonus of ensuring you don’t turn into the kind of couple that has sex under the covers in the missionary position once a month and goes to bed at 10pm every Saturday.
3. Try Condoms
Every fuckboy reading this probably just died inside a little, but too fucking bad. I know, I know, what’s the point of being on birth control if you’re going to use condoms anyway? (STI protection. That is the reason.) But the same complaint that most dudes have about condoms—that they dull sensation—actually works in your favor if you’re trying to make sex last longer. If condoms make things less intense, he shouldn’t come as quickly, and your blue ovaries/tubes/lips?? may finally be at an end. Halle-fucking-lujah.
4. Get Your Top Model On
AKA “…you wanna be on top?” See what I did there? Here I go with the basic logic again. If you control the pace, you can slow down when he’s getting too close and hopefully prolong things. It might not work miracles, especially if it turns out he’s really into women on top, but it’s worth trying positions where you’re in charge. Besides, IMO anytime a woman is on top (in sex, work, etc.) is basically a win for feminism.
Also, please don’t take this as a recommendation to go all Fifty Shades without warning. That’s how you end up traumatized and abruptly single, right after you finally got him to wear something other than polos and board shorts.
News flash: Men can apparently benefit from kegels, too. Is it emasculating as hell? Probably, but so is premature ejaculation.
6. Take Care Of Yourself First
If there’s anyone who knows how to get you off, it’s yourself. Don’t kick someone out of bed in favor of your vibrator, but figure out a way to incorporate masturbation into foreplay—ask if he wants to watch, do it while you’re waiting for him to get home from work, whatever floats your boat. That way, once you actually get around to banging each other, you’ll be on the same turned-on page.
BTW, it doesn’t matter if you’re in a relationship or Netflix and chilling every Friday night; if foreplay isn’t a regular part of your sex life, there are bigger problems at hand than stamina. Any fuckboy that doesn’t have time for his partner is not worth fucking. Duh.
Here’s your obvious statement of the day: Sex ed is truly lacking in America. On top of all the abstinence-only nonsense, they totally fail to mention that hello, sex toys are life-changingly awesome. Using a vibrator is, like, one of the rules of feminism, but unless the Republicans’ plans for healthcare are way more progressive than anticipated, our solo sex lives are entirely self-funded. In other words, most of us are stuck searching for vibrators under $50 every time our old ones give out, because who the fuck can drop $15,000 on a gold-plated sex toy? Aside from Gwyneth Paltrow, obvs. And maybe Corinne Olympios.
Anyway, those of us who aren’t world famous and don’t have a platinum vagine can’t afford that shit. Here are 12 vibrators for under $50.
1. Babeland Laya Spot, $49.99
If you’re a little intimidated by vibrators or just prefer simple controls, Babeland’s Laya vibe is one of their bestsellers. It’s small enough to pack in a bag, battery-powered, and the only control is basically a volume button for vibration intensity. Whether the simplicity is a good or bad thing is up to you.
2. INTIMINA Kiri Personal Massager, $29.95
If the ins and outs of the sex toy industry isn’t really your thing, all you need to know is that Intimina is one of the best-regarded brands out there. Half of their stuff is wayyy out of any reasonable human being’s budget, but if you’re dying to try out one of their products, the Kiri personal massager is actually pretty affordable. Like most less expensive vibes, though, the Kiri is battery-powered, which means you’ll have to factor in the cost of batteries long-term and they’ll probably die at the exact moment when you need them the most.
3. INTIMINA Raya Personal Massager, $39.95
And here’s another affordable option from Intimina. It’s got six settings and 16 different speeds, and it’s waterproof. Which like, shouldn’t all vibrators be…? Ok, I’ll see myself out.
4. GESS Ava Natural Flow, $33.99
This vibe from GESS is fairly typical, with different intensities and patterns—unlike your fuckboy who seems to think you’ll orgasm from him thrusting with the force and velocity of a jackhammer. What makes this vibrator interesting, though, is that it warms up to just above body temperature, so you don’t have to feel like you’re getting a pap smear at the gynecologist while you wait for it to heat up.
5. Tickler Original Bunny Toyfriend, $27.47
If you can get past the fact that this sounds like it was named by a divorcée looking to “get her groove back,” it’ll be worth it because the Toyfriend vibrators are some of the best-known in the sex toy industry. If you have the money, they have a bunch of newer-generation stuff for a little under $100, but most of their original series created back in 2009 goes for under $50 these days. Time for a NSFW #TBT?
6. Utumi Upgraded Silicone 10 Speed Vibrator, $19.48
This silicone vibrator is meant for your clit and your G-spot, and you’ll never have to worry about it texting you back so it’s automatically better than any guy. It’s less than $20 and it’s one of the best-selling vibrators on Amazon—so again, unlike that guy you met on Tinder whose job is “CEO at self-employed,” it’s a real winner.
7. Linglong Rechargeable Vibrator, $27.99
Linglong’s G-spot vibrator has a bunch of settings, but the most important feature is that it’s rechargeable, which means you won’t have to fork over the money for batteries every few months and do that awkward thing where the cashier at CVS asks you why you come in to buy batteries so often. (Not to mention the possibility of it giving out in the middle and giving you the lady version of blue balls. Blue ovaries? Blue-terus?) That’s pretty rare for cheaper vibrators TBH.
8. Bombex Rabbit Vibrator, $19.99
AS YOU CAN SEE, this is NOT for the faint of heart. Personally, I find the sheer amount of features on this vibrator mildly terrifying. Why are there beads? What’s with the artistically-placed veins?? What’s that thing coming out of the side? But it’s perfect for anyone who’s a fan of rabbit vibes—which you’ve probably heard of from Sex and the City or some shit, mainly because it’s one of the most affordable.
9. Odeco Rechargeable Bullet Egg, $39.96
Do I typically want anything referred to as an egg anywhere near my vagine? No, but Odeco’s bullet vibrator is rechargeable over USB ports and remote-controlled within a 30-foot range. Considering it’s (technically) less than $40, that’s a pretty insane deal.
10. Lyps Holly G Spot & Clitoris Vibrator, $25.99
The Holly is super cheap for a G-spot/clit vibrator. There are 10 speeds, and it gets 4.5 stars on Amazon—I’m not sure what kind of person leaves reviews of sex toys online, but whatever, I’m glad they want to.
11. Blue Lolly Waterproof Female Vibrator, $13.97
This vibe also functions as a small dildo (about 5 inches—hopefully not the size you’re accustomed to) and has a bunch of good reviews, so you’re already getting your money’s worth. But compulsive online shoppers, beware, because some deals are too good to resist: It also comes with a free mini bullet vibrator.
12. Ann Summers Rose Gold Mini Vibrator, $13.02
For people who travel a bunch, this mini vibrator from Ann Summers can fit in your purse and costs less than $15, which is basically the cost of something from Chipotle from before all that e. coli business. Plus it comes in rose gold, in case you want your vibrator to look dated within a year or two. Or if you like your sex toys to be Instagrammable, I guess.