Over the past two months, we’ve documented the saga of Miley Cyrus and her relationship, and I’ll be honest, I’ve been starting to lose interest. I no longer have the energy to analyze every cringeworthy story and post with Cody Simpson, and her recent problematic behavior on Instagram just made her look even worse. I was about ready to check all the way out of following this story, but then one person came along and reeled me right back in. Ladies and gentlemen, enter one Ms. Lindsay Lohan.
On Tuesday, Lindsay Lohan, queen of delusion and possible future princess of Saudi Arabia, popped into the Miley/Cody narrative in a way that only she could. Last year, Cody spent a while dating Lindsay’s younger sister, Ali, but we’ve never had many details on their relationship, or why they broke up. Well, Lindsay has some sh*t to say, and she did so in a truly wild Instagram post (which has since been deleted):
Ohhhh boy. I really love Lindsay Lohan so much, and this is exactly why. While Miley Cyrus is busy claiming that being gay is a choice, Lindsay is giving a master class in how to be messy as f*ck without actually being offensive. A round of applause for LiLo, because this is a talent. Really, 10/10 work right here.
Before we even get to that whopper of a caption, Lindsay chose a really amazing photo here. It’s a blurry, black and white paparazzi photo of her sister and Cody together, which actually looks like it might be a picture of a physical photo. I’m not sure, but this is not high-res at all. But the photo is so great because Ali looks pissed off, or at least skeptical of whatever Cody is saying/doing. The caption is where Lindsay really shines here, but the photo sets it up perfectly.
But let’s get to that caption. After using the British spelling of “realize” to say that Cody failed, she says that he “settled for less” and TAGS HIM. I f*cking dying. No shade to Ali Lohan, but it’s kind of hilarious to think of anyone actually saying that going from her to Miley Cyrus is setting for less. Like, however you feel about Miley, she’s one of the most famous people on the planet, and Ali Lohan is…not.
After a confusing pair of emojis (wtf does the anchor mean??), Lindsay finishes off with a sentence that, I swear to god, I want on my grave: “family is everything you won the masked singer but you lost on your future”
AHHHHHHH. For anyone unaware, The Masked Singer is a singing competition show where celebrities compete while wearing elaborate masks, so no one actually knows who they are until the end. The show is entirely stupid, but pretty entertaining, but most of the celebs that do it are total has-beens. But what do you know, Cody Simpson just won the first season of the Australian version of the show literally last night, which is crazy because it’s been airing the whole time he’s been dating Miley. And who just so happened to be one of the judges on Masked Singer Australia? LINDSAY LOHAN.
Lindsay Lohan using the show that they just did together as a way to shade his behavior in his personal life is really masterful, and I’m obsessed. I’m assuming, from the tone of this post, that Cody broke up with Ali, and she’s basically saying that Cody threw his future away by dumping her. I mean, ouch. Who knows if this is actually an appropriate representation of what happened in their relationship, but it’s funny as f*ck.
Like I said, I was pretty much done with paying attention to Miley and Cody before this, but now I am RIGHT. BACK. IN. I will always turn up for any situation that Lindsay Lohan inserts herself into, so bring it on. Even though she deleted her post about Cody, I hope she’s not done being shady. I desperately need something to entertain myself these days, and Lindsay Lohan is the only one who can make me feel alive.
Images: Shutterstock; lindsaylohan / Instagram