UPDATE: Well, we didn’t really expect that to be so simple, did we? With the court system mostly shut down due to COVID-19, Mary-Kate Olsen requested an emergency divorce filing last week, but that request has since been denied. A judge deemed that this case is “not essential,” which means Mary-Kate will have to wait a while before getting the divorce process going.
While the divorce is on hold indefinitely, the bigger question here is what will happen to the apartment. In her emergency request, Olsen said that her husband, Olivier Sarkozy, was forcing her out of their main apartment by May 18th, which I just realized is today. Now, Mary-Kate hasn’t actually been living there during quarantine, so it’s not like she’s getting thrown out on the streets, but she expressed concern that Sarkozy would destroy her personal property inside the apartment.
So with the emergency divorce not being granted, it seems like Sarkozy is pretty free to do whatever he wants for the time being. Hopefully he and Mary-Kate can work something out for the time being, because it would be pretty sh*tty for him to just like, throw away her stuff.
Earlier this week, I wrote about 10 of the messiest celebrity divorces ever. That list had everything: cheating scandals, custody disputes, and enough pettiness to last a lifetime. Well, I’m starting to think I spoke a little too soon. (Or predicted the future, depending on how you want to look at it.) On Wednesday, news broke that Mary-Kate Olsen is divorcing her husband Olivier Sarkozy, and we’re already getting a look into the legal details of their situation. In short, it sounds like a f*cking disaster.
Here’s a quick refresher, so we’re all up to speed. Mary-Kate married Olivier, who’s the half-brother of former French President Nicolas Sarkozy, in 2015. He’s 17 years her senior—she’s 33, and he’s 50. Olivier has two daughters from a previous marriage, both of whom are taller than Mary-Kate. That’s not important here, I just think it’s funny. Their relationship always felt a little strange, but they seemed like kind of a good match to me. We never saw any photos from their wedding, but a source famously said there were “bowls and bowls of cigarettes” at the reception, so just let your imagination run wild with that.
But fast forward five years, and things are obviously not so great anymore. On April 17th, Mary-Kate Olsen signed a summons and complaint for divorce, and those papers were then sent to the New York Supreme Court. But things quickly hit a snag, because the New York court system is not accepting divorce filings right now. In light of the pandemic, the Courts have placed a temporary “prohibition on the filing of new, non-essential matters,” which includes divorces.
But things aren’t that simple. On Wednesday, Olsen requested that she be allowed to file an emergency divorce petition, claiming that Sarkozy terminated the lease on their New York City apartment without her consent. In the request, she wrote, “This application is an emergency because my husband expects me to move out of our home on Monday, May 18, 2020 in the middle of New York City being on pause due to COVID-19.” She says in the request that she’s reached out to Sarkozy’s attorney and her landlord, asking that the lease be extended past the end of this month, and adds, “I am petrified that my husband is trying to deprive me of the home we have lived in and if he is successful, I will not only lose my home but I risk losing my personal property as well.”
In an email from May 3rd that was included with the filing, Sarkozy explained that he was terminating the lease because he is “not in a position to extend it and/or pay additional rent.” I don’t know all the details of this situation, but this makes no sense. Without even taking Olivier’s money into account, Mary-Kate Olsen has an estimated net worth of $250 million. I’m sure their apartment in Gramercy is very fancy, and it’s a tough economic time, but I feel pretty confident these two can still pay rent. To me, this sounds like a toxic game, and it’s stressing me the f*ck out.
No divorce is simple, but this apartment situation is way more complicated due to the COVID-19 pandemic. It sounds like Sarkozy is currently staying somewhere else in NYC, but Mary-Kate is riding out the quarantine at their home in the Hamptons. For this reason, she says that she can’t “look for another apartment right now, let alone retrieve my separate property belongings,” adding that she is “gravely concerned my husband will dissipate, dispose of and/or secret” her belongings that are currently in the apartment. I’m glad she’s not trying to drop everything and come back to the epicenter of a pandemic, but this is a very sh*tty situation. Like, imagine being told that you have to be out of your apartment in a week, but you also can’t go there to get any of your stuff. I’m moving in four months, and I’m already panicked about packing! Truly a nightmare.
There’s one other important piece of the emergency petition that Mary-Kate Olsen filed this week. She’s requesting that her prenuptial agreement be enforced, and given that $250 million estimated net worth that I mentioned, that’s exactly what she should do. A source told Us Weekly that Mary-Kate has an “ironclad prenup”, which might be the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard. According to the source, “her business interests and fortune are protected,” which is a huge relief to hear. If she can just get this apartment fiasco sorted out, the actual divorce proceedings will be pretty straightforward. Well, they should be, but with the messiness we’re already seeing here, I imagine nothing will be simple.
So far, Mary-Kate Olsen hasn’t commented on her divorce, but given that she and her sister Ashley are pretty much the most private people on the planet, I wouldn’t expect to hear anything directly from her. But with divorce proceedings being public, we’ll know as soon as there’s an update on her emergency filing. Until then, I’ll be working on my top-secret plan to somehow get the Olsen Twins back into acting. It’ll never happen, but hey, we can dream.
Images: s_bukley / Shutterstock.com
Once upon a time, before they started marrying old French guys and wearing outrageously expensive, ornate rugs, the Olsen twins owned Hollywood. From the late 90’s to the mid 00’s, you couldn’t blink without another Olsen twin movie being released. Considering my name is Mary Kate, this offered me a certain amount of (entirely unearned) clout at every slumber party I attended in my adolescence.
The question I sought to answer today was not which Olsen movie is best, as doing so would result in a comment war that I, for one, am unprepared for. Instead we pursue the more important query: which one represents your zodiac sign? If you think about it, it was only a matter of time before these two cultural juggernauts intersected.
Aries – ‘Switching Goals’
Considering this entire movie is centered around competition and proving others wrong at all costs, it would be ridiculous to assign it to any sign but Aries. Identity switches in the name of mischief is peak Olsen twin, but identity switches in the name of spiting those who underestimated you? Aries to the core.
Taurus – ‘Getting There’
The stubborn nature in a Taurus means they’ll stop at nothing to accomplish something they’ve set their mind to. In Getting There, the Olsen twins come across every conceivable obstacle you could imagine while en route to the Olympics, and they just. won’t. quit. Like, that road trip stopped being fun about 20 minutes in, but you bet a true Taurus will see it through just to say they did!!
Gemini – ‘It Takes Two’
Happy Gemini season! As a reward, you get one of the Olsen classics, It Takes Two. This film represents the true duality in Gemini’s nature by bringing together two young Olsens who aren’t actually even twins! Separate, they’re effectively useless, but together, they’re able to set up their parents and save the day from an evil fiancé. It’s like Parent Trap, but without the extreme parental neglect as a major plot point.
Cancer – ‘Holiday in the Sun’
In Holiday in the Sun, the Olsen twins are pissed about the fact that they get to ride their dad’s private jet to a Caribbean resort for Spring Break, all because they’d rather be in Hawaii. To put it lightly, these young, dumb b*tches need some perspective, much like most Cancers I know. Don’t get me wrong, they’re lovely, caring people. But sometimes they need to be reminded that their lives are not quite as tragic as they make them out to be.
Leo – ‘Our Lips are Sealed’
Landing yourself in Witness Protection and then not even being able to keep your mouth shut about it is so entirely Leo that I spent the last 20 minutes trying to scour the internet for a birth date that might have been mentioned in this movie. Not only that, but then becoming Queen of the Australians, an outlandish and outrageous people, by beating them at their own game?? Find this movie in the dictionary next to Leo.
Virgo – Winning London
A Virgo is never caught off guard, and in the off chance they are they’ll do everything they can to come back from it. In Winning London, the Olsen twins arrive in London for a Model UN competition, only to find that their chosen country has been taken and proceed to spend the rest of the movie furiously preparing for a competition that they inevitably win. I think. Haven’t seen it in 15 years. Anyway, Virgos are lovable, competitive nerds, and they’d win model UN any day. Next.
Libra – ‘Double, Double, Toil and Trouble’
First and foremost, I’ve never met a Libra who didn’t love witchy sh*t. They’re born with a predilection for wearing black and buying crystals, I swear. That, combined with their love of leveling the playing field, makes Double, Double, Toil and Trouble the ultimate Libra-Olsen mash-up. Libras can’t help fighting for the underdog, even if that underdog is a witch trapped in a mirror by her evil twin sister.
Scorpio – ‘Billboard Dad’
Putting your own father’s love life on blast by renting out a Billboard to find him a date is the most Scorpio sh*t I’ve ever heard of in my life. Dramatics? Check. Meddling? Check. A healthy dose of embarrassment, disguised as self-serving concern? Double check. Take a break from scheming this weekend, Scorpio, and watch the original masters do what they do best.
Sagittarius – ‘When in Rome’
In When in Rome, the Olsen twins land a fashion internship in Rome and then are immediately fired, at which point they spend the rest of the movie trying to prove their worth. They do so by having wild adventures, falling in love, and not really worrying about the internship at all, yet it all seems to work out anyway. This is peak Sagittarius, who always manages to pull their life together without ever really seeming to exert any effort towards the matter. Go to Rome. Throw some pizzas. Land the dream job. You got this.
Capricorn – ‘To Grandmother’s House We Go’
Capricorns are sensible, responsible creatures who own their sh*t. They are the only people I can think of who would exile themselves to their grandmother’s home because their mom needs a break. These two wily FIVE-YEAR-OLDS manage to make it to their destination, pre-GPS, nearly unharmed. Sounds like a sensible adventure to me.
Aquarius – ‘New York Minute’
Much like the Olsen twins in this wildly under-appreciated film, Aquarians will do whatever it takes to chase their dreams. Spontaneous trips to Manhattan, dodging criminals and truant officers, having to hang out with Jared Padalecki (f*ck you, Dean)—no price is too high to pay on the path to self-actualization. Plus, both sisters in this movie represent the two distinct identities in an Aquarian personality: the wildly reckless and the overbearing control freak.
Pisces – ‘Passport to Paris’
Nothing says Pisces like scoring a last-minute trip to the most romantic city in the world and then falling in love immediately upon arrival. Melanie and Ashley settling for the first mediocre French boys to wander their way is indicative of the Pisces’ need for companionship, even if it’s means sacrificing their own standards. There’s also a fair amount of matchmaking involved between a rogue supermodel and the twins’ chaperone, which is a Pisces move if I’ve ever heard one.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (8)
Happy birthday to our favorite child stars-turned-unhappy-fashionistas, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen! Its hard to imagine a time without Mary-Kate and Ashley’s iconic twinitude (mostly because they are four years older than me), which is why, in honor of their birthday(s), we are ranking the Mary-Kate and Ashley movies from “made for TV movie heaven” to “omg I can’t believe I let this take up space on the DVR for so long.”
First, some parameters. While researching this vital piece, I realized that Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are two of the most prolific filmmakers of the modern era. They have been in literally dozens of movies, many of which came out in the same year. I would ask myself how two young children did all this shit, but their stardom corresponds exactly with the rise in childhood Adderall prescriptions, so you do the math there. It would be impossible for me to rank all of their films, mainly because I haven’t seen them all. No human has. Not even Mary-Kate and Ashley. For this ranking, we’re excluding the entire Mary-Kate and Ashley detective series—that would require its own ranking, which I’ll get to once I’m done re-watching them all instead of fulfilling any of my adult responsibilities. We’re also excluding their 2003 film The Challenge, in which Mary-Kate and Ashley go to Mexico to be on a reality TV quiz show, because I haven’t seen it and frankly did not know it existed. You live and you learn.
1. ‘Passport to Paris’ (1999)
What beautiful soul do we have to thank for Passport to Paris? All of the MK & A traveling romance flicks date back to this one, and it is the best. I mean, what 90s girl can forget where she was the moment she first saw Michele and Jean pull up on their vespas to whisk the twins off on a Parisian adventure? Passport to Paris is iconic (Note: I *will* use the word “iconic” 100 times throughout this article) for many reasons, mainly because it kicks off the “Mary-Kate and Ashley go abroad to get boyfriends” series, which is arguably their best series of movies in their entire career. Honestly, I await the day when Passport to Paris is finally added to the Criterion Collection, alongside lesser films like 12 Angry Men and Boyhood.
The Plot: 13-year-old twins Melany and Allyson go to Paris for spring break. That is literally the plot.
The Boys: What to say about Michele and Jean that has not already been said? Did I know boys could be named Michele in France? No. Was I about it? Of course. Jean and Michele collectively have one personality trait: they are the proud owners of a vespa. Also being French. Honestly, at 13, that’s all you need to fall in love.
The Looks: We call this hair the Mary Kate and Ashley classic:
2. ‘Billboard Dad’ (1998)
Billboard Dad is not a part of the foreign boyfriend series, but it is somehow still very good. Like, when you think of Mary-Kate and Ashley films, you think Billboard Dad. Sadly, this movie no longer holds up in the age of dating apps and Hinge profiles. Nowadays, all MK & A would have to do to get their dad a date is set up a dating profile that says he has a stable job and is over 6 feet tall. Then the women would just come to him.
The Plot: If you don’t remember the plot of Billboard Dad, what was your childhood? Billboard Dad (not to be confused with Three Billboards) is about identical twins Emily and Tess, who want their sad widowed dad to get a girlfriend already, so they put up a billboard on Sunset Blvd asking women to date him. (Note: Many Mary-Kate and Ashley movies feature dead/widowed parents. Not sure why.) Why is it not immediately removed by city officials? No idea. Anyway, it works.
The Boys: This pre-dates when Mary-Kate and Ashley were issued a romantic partner for every movie, so the only boys are Ryan, a 12-year-old wannabe badass with a denim jacket and an ear piercing, and Cody, proud owner of a bucket hat. The guys are mostly friends, though, if I recall correctly (which there is a very good chance I do not). That said, now that I am older I see clearly that their father, Max (portrayed by Scandal‘s Tom Amandes) is zaddy.
The Looks: More iconic (there it is again) hair and fashion lewks from MK & A here. TBH the fact that we saw this movie and didn’t know that they were headed into the fashion industry is on us. I mean, look at this:
The sheer number of butterfly clips that appear in this film are enough to send my 10-year-old self into a fit of hysterics that can only be cured by an immediate and extensive trip to Limited Too.
3. ‘It Takes Two’ (1995)
It Takes Two is an outlier in the Mary Kate and Ashley franchises, because we’re actually supposed to believe that their characters are not related, they just look a lot alike. What? Despite this literally unbelievable plot point, It Takes Two manages to be good, mostly because of the presence of Kirstie Alley, who America has literally never deserved.
The Plot: Okay so this one actually requires a lot more explaining than the traditional “twins travel to X country to find boyfriends and make mischief” plotline of 90% of their movies. This movie is basically The Parent Trap except the girls aren’t related and the stakes are way way higher. Rich girl Alyssa (Ashley) meets sad orphan Amanda (Mary-Kate) by chance and become friends because they look alike (literally the basis of every sorority). Turns out Amanda is about to be adopted by a family called the Butkises (pronounced “Butt Kisses”) who are known for “collecting children”. What Amanda really wants is for her dope social worker, Kirstie Alley, to adopt her, but Kirstie isn’t allowed because she is poor and doesn’t have a husband. The two of them then switch places so that Amanda can experience being rich, and Alyssa can experience…going to camp. Anyway, hilarity ensues and at the end the rich dad gets married to the poor social worker and they adopt Amanda and they all live happily ever after.
The Boys: There are no boys in this movie. In fact, the only love interest of any kind in this movie is Steve Guttenberg which is, frankly, unacceptable.
The Looks: Mary-Kate and Ashley are still in their “cute kid” phase here, but the way the costumer chose to show the difference between “rich girl” and “orphan” is…dare I say?…iconic.
4. ‘Winning London’ (2001)
Ah yes, the last good Mary-Kate and Ashley movie. I remember it well. Winning London is probably responsible for so many teen girls joining Model UN thinking it’d be a good way to meet hot foreign guys, only to find out it’s mostly just a bunch of Hermione Grangers and guys with social anxiety. Sigh. What a waste of a semester…
The Plot: Overachiever Chloe and her chill sister Riley travel to London for Model UN, only to find that their usual country (China) is taken, meaning they’re going to have to represent…LONDON ITSELF!?! Can they get their delegation together in time for the big competition and find boyfriends along the way? You fuckin’ know it.
The boys: Winning London, objectively, has some of the cutest boys of all the Mary-Kate and Ashley movies, but also they’re the only ones who look somewhat adult so that could be coloring my recollection. Mary-Kate/Chloe ends up with James Browning, who is British and therefore, attractive. Also his dad is like, a Lord or some shit. Riley/Ashley spends the time where she’s supposed to be studying trying to get her longtime crush Brian to notice her. He eventually does and they kiss in an air duct, after which he says “woah what just happened?” and she says “we just kissed in an air duct.” This scene made a huge impression on me.
The Looks: The fashion and hair choices in Winning London are so wonderfully insane. I can’t believe this is what we all aspired to look like. What are these pants? 2001 was weird.
5. ‘Our Lips Are Sealed’ (2000)
Our Lips Are Sealed takes the “foreign boyfriends” series to Australia. TBH, I’m surprised it took this long to get the twins into a Witness Protection Program plotline. Seems like a pretty obvious fit for them.
The Plot: Maddie and Abby are two gossipy teens who just happen to witness a museum robbery and are sent into the Witness Protection Program. They are so gossipy that they accidentally tell people they’re in the Witness Protection Program everywhere they go, until they are finally banished to the remote and desolate continent of Australia. Poor them. Anyway, there’s a running joke in this one where the bad guy’s name is “Hachew” and whenever he says it someone says “bless you” which is peak Mary-Kate and Ashley humor.
The Boys: I distinctly remember being disappointed by the boys in this movie. Like, this hair is a no from me, even in the early 2000s. I don’t care if they have jet skis. There is no amount of Aussie accent that can fix the fact that these two look like feet. I know that they’re children, but it’s true. The one on the left looks like an old man. Hard pass.
The Looks: The looks, TBH, are Our Lips Are Sealed‘s saving grace. I mean, the matching color-block dresses paired with the traditional MK&A pin straight spike-bob? I. Con. Ic.
6. ‘To Grandmother’s House We Go’ (1992)
Had to include this movie because it was literally the first really Mary-Kate and Ashley movie but, other than that, it’s a total snooze. I mean, the girls are cute and all, but can their cuteness carry an entire movie? Okay, so the answer to that is yes but, I still prefer them as teens.
The Plot: Twin sisters/naughty children Sarah and Julie overhear their mom talking shit about them and decide to run away to their grandmother’s house for Christmas, and they get a lot farther than two unaccompanied twin toddlers ever should. The mom’s name in this is Rhonda, and she’s a “work-obsessed divorcee” because it is 1992 and every divorced woman is a workaholic shrew named Rhonda who can’t take care of her kids.
The Boys: No boyfriends seeing as the girls are like, five years old in this. Rhonda does have a love interest named Eddie who is a delivery man that “doesn’t like kids” but succumbs to Mary-Kate and Ashley’s overwhelming cuteness and becomes the dad Evil Work Witch Rhonda so selfishly denied them by having a job.
The Looks: This movie predates Mary-Kate and Ashley as fashionistas, so it’s mostly just cute Christmasy kids clothes. Boring.
7. ‘Switching Goals’ (1999)
This movie is about soccer, which is strike one. I also thought that this was the one with Kirstie Alley in it, but it’s not, and that is disappointing. They should have put Kirstie Alley in it. They should put Kirstie Alley in everything.
The Plot: This is the typical tomboy vs. girly-girl dynamic we’ll come to see again and again in Mary-Kate and Ashley films. So sad that in the 90s we didn’t have athleisure yet to teach us that all women can be interested in athletics. Emma (Ashley) is very good at makeup and bad at soccer. Sam is very good at soccer, but bad at boys. The twins will continue to play out this exact dynamic over and over again for years until for some reason they don’t want to do movies anymore and decide to wear black and date old guys instead. Also, this movie is only good if you are into soccer, which I am not, and I am in charge of this ranking, so there you go.
The boys: The boys in this are named “Sam” and “Richie”. They are approximately 10 years old, and I do not feel comfortable commenting on their level of attractiveness.
The looks: They mostly just wear soccer uniforms for this one. Lame.
8. ‘Holiday In The Sun’ (2001)
Despite some pretty stellar casting (Megan Fox and Julian from One Tree Hill) Holiday in the Sun is just like, meh. Dare I say Holiday in the Sun is a poor man’s Our Lips Are Sealed? I do. I do dare.
The Plot: Madison and Alex, initially pissed that they’re not going to Hawaii, are whisked away to an all-inclusive resort in the Bahamas and try to make it work. Sadly, Megan Fox is also at the resort and she is a major bitch. Also they run into two men smuggling stolen artifacts? Honestly, I’m confused.
The Boys: There are actually THREE boys in this one, which is, IMHO, too many boys. Why change up the two boy/two girl formula? Why throw in this third boy? We don’t need Scott and Jordan AND Griffen! That’s madness! Sheer madness! This film is chaos.
The Looks: Mary-Kate and Ashley are brining the chunky highlight realness in this film, but Megan Fox is the true fashion star. She also drops a lot of snarky one-liners and like, when someone asks her “what’s up?” and she says “not my temperature,” which doesn’t really make sense but it still somehow cool. Anyway, a moment of silence for this shirt/choker/lip gloss combo.
9. ‘How The West Was Fun’ (1994)
Please put me down as a “no” for any and all films that take place on a “dude ranch.” This movie also features dead parents and it’s like…why? Why do there always have to be dead parents? Can’t twins have fun with living parents? IDGI.
The Plot: Jessica and Suzy are living in Philly with their dad when they receive a letter from their dead mom’s godmother inviting them to come live on a dude ranch. They go to the dude ranch and meet a horse named Lightning. This movie is literally boring.
The Boys: There are no love interests in this movie, but there is a very questionably racist Native American character named George Tailfeathers and some old douchebag named Bart Gafooly who wants to turn the dude ranch into a theme park. They should have let him, but whatever.
The Looks: Once again, it’s a no from me.
10. ‘New York Minute’ (2004)
Oh god, what to say about New York Minute? This is the beginning of the end for Mary-Kate and Ashley’s film career. You can tell their hearts just aren’t in it anymore. The desire to acquire a black trench coat and a nicotine addiction is overpowering them. You can see it in their cold, dead eyes.
The Plot: You can tell they knew the franchise was dying here because they go back to basics: Mary-Kate and Ashley are an over-achiever and a chill “punk rocker” who never see eye to eye. Their mom is dead. They take an exotic vacation from their hometown of Long Island all the way to New York City, where they are followed by a school truant officer who shockingly believes that the two of them should go to school. Eugene Levy is the most notable character in this movie. There is also a dog named Reinaldo.
The Boys: Okay so there is a love interest in this one, his name is Trey and he is a Senator’s son played by none other than DEAN FORESTER of Gilmore Girls. Sadly, he is not enough to save this doomed flick, even though they basically imply he bangs both the twins.
The Looks: I will let this speak for itself:
I would like to end this ranking by saying that one time when I first moved to New York I saw Mary-Kate and Ashley dressed in identical black trench coats sharing the same cigarette on a side street in SoHo. We made eye contact and they gave me a look that said, “If you try to talk to us we’ll fucking kill you,” so I said nothing. The end.
Images Via: Giphy (8), IMDB (4)
