After that trip down the aisle, it was only a matter of time before your friends started to think you’re in a boring marriage. That’s because you, yourself, have become boring. No offense, but it’s true. With marriage comes weight gain (it’s inexplicable and true), opting out of drinking (by choice), and a lot of really gross sweatpants. Being boring is an epidemic and it must be stopped so that, like, conversations and friend revelry (see: blackouts) can continue. Statistically speaking, there’s at least one boring married friend in every group (provided at least one of you is wifed up). If you look around and you can’t find the boring friend, it’s you.
How do we battle this steady decline into boring marriage meh-ness? We learn to recognize the signs. If you’re guilty of any of these actions, check yourself, because you’ve become the boring married friend.
1. You Forgot How To Hold Convos
You either respond with “wow” and “yeah” and “no way” constantly, or you just talk about yourself (and your amazing married life) the entire time. Remember that conversations are a two-way street, and no one is THAT interested in how you still haven’t cleaned your wedding dress or how you haven’t gotten gifts yet from your sister-in-law (I haven’t, btw). Think about conversations you’ve had on really good and really bad dates. Apply the same rules to chats with friends. It shouldn’t really be that hard, considering you presumably had friends before you had a spouse.
2. You Only Talk About Being Married
“Omg wow so the cable guy had to come and fix our router the other day so we could keep watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Then hubs had to cook all night to make his famous chicken soup for the company potluck. We’re going to his parents’ for Christmas and I’m not sure what to get them.” Does this all sound familiar? Have you stopped talking about anything that doesn’t involve your spouse in some manner? *Slap* YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS. HAVE AN INDEPENDENT EXPERIENCE AND THEN TALK ABOUT IT. Go to the bar and order something weird. Work late on purpose. Join a hot yoga studio. Get food poisoning. Adopt a farm animal. Something!
3. You Never Go Out
If sweatpants are all that fits you right now and pizza has become your drug of choice (same), it’s time to leave the boring marriage comfort zone. Don’t get me wrong: Netflix and chilling is an under-appreciated lifestyle. But it should exist alongside out-of-the-box (and house) experiences along with real pants, curated outfits, and meals that don’t come in a cardboard or Styrofoam container.
I’m all for chillin’ in a hoodie and watching conspiracy documentaries with my hubby (the government killed JFK), but if you haven’t had a night out in months and haven’t seen friends outside of work for longer than you can remember, it’s time to break free of your matrimonial prison and like, expand your horizons. How will you have new things to discuss with people who aren’t your spouse if you never experience life outside your home? Deep thoughts, fam.
4. You Don’t Think For Yourself
A lot of people who end up being the absolute worst, most boring married friends get that way by just parroting their spouse’s opinion. It’s fine to agree with your spouse on things (and for the sake of your marriage, I hope you do, in fact, agree on some things). It’s also fine to not. Nobody expects you to be a unified front about everything from politics to pizza toppings (but for the record, pineapple is delicious on pizza). It gets really f*cking boring when you and your spouse go out together and just repeat what the other says. Talk to other people, read, form opinions and stories, then discuss. It’ll make you a better conversationalist and more valuable during trivia nights. Speaking of, you should def play trivia since it takes place outside your home.
5. You Constantly Ask Other People About Marriage And Kids
There is nothing more annoying to any betch than to be asked questions about status or children. Just because you’re super thrilled with married life doesn’t mean other people want to be married, know when they’re getting engaged, or want kids. If your friend brings it up, fine. But it shouldn’t be the go-to topic of conversation just because you love the
tax breaks joy of married life. It’s boring, it’s personal, and there are more interesting things to talk about—like conspiracy theories.
6. You Don’t Stay Out Past 9 …
… and you don’t have kids. C’mon, fam. This is the time in your marriage to be selfish. You have a rock-solid relationship and no kids waiting to be picked up from the sitter. You don’t get points for going out if you ditch at 9pm because you’re #sotired . From what? Being in a stable, committed relationship? Lend a hand and help your single friends get laid at 1am (or find an Uber home, whichever). Then you can go home. Be a team player.
7. You’re Glued To Your Phone When Your S.O. Isn’t Around
My mother once told me that a woman should want her husband around, but not NEED him there. My mom is (unfortunately, as always) 100% right. Nobody wants to hang out with you while you’re constantly texting or checking in with your S.O. It makes everyone else feel less than important and like you would rather be texting about what he ate for dinner than taking shots and talking crap about the people you hate. If you are going out without your S.O., be in the moment and stop double-checking to see if he’s sending you dank memes. You can look at them in the Uber on the way home.
Images: Jeremy Banks / Unsplash; Giphy (4)
Here’s some unsurprising news: researchers at the University of Kansas found that men are more likely to “marry up” (aka marry someone better/hotter/smarter/richer) than women are.
Excuse me while I pretend to be surprised:
So why is this even a study? I could just look at the dumpster fire that is all my besties’ boyfriends and tell you this shit, but apparently this hasn’t always been the case. It used to be that women were the ones who “married up,” snagging highly educated and professionally successful men because like, they weren’t really allowed to be highly educated or professional themselves.
Now, thanks to feminism, women are allowed to work, and after studying Census data between 1990 and 2011, University of Kansas researchers found that “women’s personal earnings have grown faster than men’s earnings during this time.” So basically, these researchers asked “Who run da world?” and the answer was:
As a result of this rapid growth, the number of female pros in the marriage market “exceeds the number of highly educated men (read: male pros) in the marriage market.” So basically, you and your friends are all dating down, and it’s because you’re just too damn educated. Which is more or less what I’ve been trying to tell my dad every time he asks why I still don’t have a boyfriend, even though he didn’t like my last boyfriend because he worked at a smoothie place and didn’t have a career. It’s not my fault, dad! In fact, it’s kind of your fault for paying for my college education. So there.
Who run this mutha?