While being a mega-rich celebrity obviously has numerous perks, perhaps the best perk of all is having a team of people at your disposal to look fabulous from head to toe. A personal trainer, a chef, a nutritionist—all of these things make it pretty darn easy to look really hot at all times.
As a Pilates Instructor in NYC, a lot of my clients come to me with requests for a Beyoncé butt or Carrie Underwood’s arms. And that’s great—there will always be workouts to pump up your peach and tone your triceps. But it’s also not so great when you start to compare yourself to celebrities who have pretty much unlimited resources at their beck and call to get super fit. Not to mention, celebrities also have a lifestyle where they can schedule in insane two hour workouts and log 11 hours of sleep. Us? With our 9-5 jobs? And you know, responsibilities to attend to? Not so much.
If you’ve ever been frustrated while scrolling through Instagram wondering why, despite your best efforts, you don’t have the body of your favorite girl crush, let me break down all the crazy things that give celebs the upper hand.
Sleep—Lots Of It
If you’re trying to lose weight or improve your physical fitness, you should be logging at least eight hours of sleep, ideally even more if you’re trying to build muscle mass. Your body needs sleep to rejuvenate and rebuild the muscles you break down when you strength train. Not to mention, if you’re not getting quality sleep, you’re going to be too tired to even get through your workouts.
Now, we all know saying you’re going to bed at 10pm versus accidentally eating shredded cheese standing in front of your refrigerator at 11pm is a very different thing.
My doctor: When is the last time you had a good night’s sleep?
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) April 10, 2019
If you’re the typical young professional, getting eight hours of sleep on top of work, personal responsibilities, relationships, and getting in a workout Monday through Friday is already a daunting task. Plus, we all deserve time to unwind and veg out watching trashy reality TV (or whatever your more sophisticated hobby is). Most of us probably fall into the category of getting closer to six to seven hours of sleep a night.
Celebrities? Not so much. Mariah Carey once reported that she likes to sleep 15 hours before performing to give her body rest (do you think I can tell my boss the same thing?) and Jennifer Lopez has also claimed she needs a solid eight hours to get her beauty rest.
Super Intense, Long-Ass Workouts
Maybe if you’re a low-key fitness class groupie (hi, yes, occasionally I am this person) you’ve taken two back-to-back group fitness classes or mustered up the energy to go for a two hour long run. But on an average day, sometimes it’s challenging to fit just 45 minutes of exercise.
Celebs like Bella Hadid have been known to hit the gym for two plus hours. Two. plus. Hours. I’m exhausted just writing that.
And let’s not forget about Mark Wahlberg, who has bragged on his Insta story about waking up at 2:30am to squeeze in two workouts per day and have plenty of family time. OK. same.
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When looking good is your full-time job, I guess scheduling more than an hour of sweat time is just another meeting in your Google Calendar?
Sometimes the hardest part about working out is just figuring out WHAT to work out. I’m guilty of getting to the gym, looking timidly at the free weights, and deciding that maybe today should just be a cardio day. But that’s where a personal trainer can come in handy. Not only does sweating under the watchful eye of a trainer make you more likely to push through some difficult spots (aka your entire workout), they’re also there to guide you and make sure you’re working out effectively.
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Feeling like superwoman after the show tonight! When I started this run I thought omg 15 shows in 27 days that’s a lot… but I made a promise to myself that instead of letting it wear me down I would be even stronger at the end of it…I will work out and be in the best shape of my life… There were moments I was tired and there was travel and I had to fit in my workouts where I could… but here we are with only 3 shows left!! And I am having so many emotions but mostly just feeling strong, happy and grateful!!! #allihavefinal15 #3showstogo #we’renotdoneyet #letsgoooo #makepromisestoyourselfandkeepthem @phvegas
Unfortunately, most personal training comes at a hefty cost. If you live in a major city, you can expect to pay at least $100 for an hour long training session. And the more experience your trainer has, the more likely those prices shoot way up.
When you’re a celeb making seven figures, you probably won’t think twice about shelling out over $1,000/month for lots of one-on-one time with a personal trainer. But when you’re just an aspiring Carrie Bradshaw trying to not blow your rent money on new shoes, you probably aren’t going to want to drop a ton of cash getting one on one attention on top of an already pricy gym membership.
Weird AF Diet Habits
In case you don’t have an Instagram (are you OK?) or maybe don’t follow a slew of influencers and celebs, you should know that the eating habits of celebrities is fascinating. When they’re not hawking “fitness tea” and appetite suppressant lollipops, a good majority of them still have pretty damn weird diets.
In a food diary for E! News, Kourtney Kardashian admitted she starts her day out with collagen supplements on an empty stomach, followed by shots of apple cider vinegar. Gross. For one, collagen is kinda, sorta a major scam and two, most of the collagen you’re buying is likely made from fish scales, animal hides, or bones. I really just threw up. (Full disclaimer: I am ~vegan~ but like, I can’t imagine that this is appealing to anyone…?) Kourt also seems to follow a dairy-free diet with lots of greens, which seems health and normal, but then you have recipes on her new site Poosh for Kris’ “famous” brownies. There is a note Kourt adapts it for dairy free ingredients, but kinda seems a little, maybe, uh, contradictory?
Crash diets are also not unheard of in Hollywood. Beyonce made waves when she was filming “Dream Girls” for losing 20 pounds following the infamous “master cleanse.” The master cleanse consists of only drinking a “lemonade” made with lemons (duh), cayenne pepper, and maple syrup. Wow. Seems appetizing.
Just kidding, I would rather eat solid food and feel happy than ever stick to a liquid diet. And I’m pretty confident that any normal human who attempts any sort of juice cleanse would be hangry in about two hours. You need legitimate fuel to just exist on your couch and watch Netflix—and even more if you’re active.
But at least there are celebs in the world like Chrissy Teigen who blatantly talks about her love for garlic and literally let her husband eat fried chicken off of her bum. I love a good hero.
I’d say 90% of my recipes have 8/10 cloves or more. Makes for a pungent blueberry pancake but i refuse to do any less. https://t.co/nuAQre1inh
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) January 5, 2019
The bottom line is, we can’t measure ourselves up against celebrities. The whole reason celebrities look better than us normal people is precisely because celebrities are not normal people. They have so much more money and time to dedicate strictly to their appearance. And that’s not even touching the plastic surgery. So be nice to yourself, k?
Images: markwahlberg, krisjenner / Instagram; betchesluvthis, chrissyteigen / Twitter
Before style trends were dependent on the Kardashians, CW teen dramas, or even our Cheeto president there was the 1990s. Ah, the 90s. A simpler time, a time when Britney Spears was still a “virgin” and boys in matching denim ensembles were considered sex symbols. What a time to be alive.
It could be nostalgia kicking in or it could be this $8 bottle of red wine that’s mostly empty, but either way I’m about to revisit some of my favorite
shit shows fashion choices and beauty looks from the best 1990s music videos.
1. “JUST A GIRL” — GWEN STEFANI (1995)
Oh, Gwen. Where do I even begin with you? Perhaps with the semi-culturally offensive red jewelry in the middle of your forehead? The fugly giant hair barrettes? Or the men’s track pants you’re wearing? Please also keep in mind that this person has a very successful FASHION LINE today, which I can only imagine Twitter is responsible for. Gwen’s style is something I’ll understand about as much as I understand clear plastic boots, which is to say I don’t fucking get it. Let’s also not let this moment pass without discussing how Gwen’s eyebrows are thinner than my will to live. They are actually making me so uncomfortable. I need an adult.
2. “MMMBOP” — HANSON (1997)
Seeing prepubescent boys with better hair than me makes me want to heavily drink. Seriously, shouldn’t you be getting head lice from kids on the playground, not giving a grown woman hair envy?
3. “I WANT YOU BACK” — N*SYNC (1997)
I mean seriously wtf were we thinking? To be fair, this music video actually features some of the less offensive fashion choices from their time in the spotlight. Shocking, I know.
Also #neverforget JT’s ramen noodle hair. I love that since Justin went solo and didn’t become a has-been like the rest of the band, he thinks he’s better than everyone. Like, you might be married and successful and actually pretty funny anytime you appear on SNL, but you still wore a JEAN SUIT to the American Music Awards. Know yourself.
4. “(HIT ME )…BABY ONE MORE TIME” — BRITNEY SPEARS (1999)
An iconic Britney moment that forever made me want to dress like a baby prostitute. Thanks for giving us years of slutty Halloween costumes. You the real MVP, Brit.
5. “SAY MY NAME” — DESTINY’S CHILD (1999)
You know I had to add in the Queen here. And I guess I have to mention her
backup singers band mates too. Aside from the fact that the lyrics in this song are fire and I use them in daily in my life, Beyoncé also looks like a fucking goddess in this music video. Groundbreaking, I know. I’ll even forgive her for those gold hoops because we all know hoops are Regina’s thing. An important note, though: If your skin burns in the sun, you should absolutely, under no circumstances, attempt her hairstyle at home.
6. “GOOD VIBRATIONS” — MARKY MARK AND THE FUNKY BUNCH (1991)
Fuck, this boy is
ripped talented. The original fuckboy, his signature look was not wearing a shirt, touching himself, and giving white people hope of becoming a rapper. 10/10 would hit that.
7. “DIRRTY” — CHRISTINA AGUILERA (2002)
While not *technically* a 90s song, I’m still including it because Kylie Jenner made this video relevant again. Those dirty AF blue hair extensions, the assless chaps, THE BODY JEWELRY—she made slutty chic. Not all heroes wear capes, people. She was also single-handedly responsible for every dress code violation phone call my mother received about me from grades 8-12. *starts a slow clap*
8. “ALWAYS BE MY BABY” — MARIAH CAREY (1995)
Aka the reason I thought butterfly hair clips were a statement piece. She spends this entire music video swinging over a lake in a classic jean-on-jean ensemble, looking as angelic as her voice sounds.
9. “WANNABE” — THE SPICE GIRLS (1996)
The original Plastics, these girls are responsible for stereotypes in cliques and my hideous metallic mini dress in middle school. Also for giving my boyfriend an excuse to “get with my friends.”
10. “AARON’S PARTY (COME GET IT)” — AARON CARTER (2000)
Again, not exactly a 90s song but I couldn’t not include this one. First of all, Aaron Carter is, what, 9 in this music video? Maybe? And he’s throwing fucking ragers while his parents are out to dinner? I applaud you, son. Also the fact that a third grader is rapping on a bicycle in a fur coat while middle school girls grind up on him. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to be one of those middle school hoes. And you’d be lying too.
Anddd now I have “Aaron’s Party” stuck in my head. Brb I’m just going to
do something productive bang my head against a wall until I stop singing rap lyrics written by and for a 12-year-old.