What Now? ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Season 4 Predictions

This week was the season three finale of The Handmaid’s Tale, and after a lackluster, dragged-out season, we finally got our reward for sticking it out. The finale gave me everything I want from a dramatic finale—I cried, and honestly that’s all I’m looking for out of finales. I lost count of the number of times my jaw hit the floor, and at one point I spilled an entire glass full of Sauvignon Blanc on my new mattress. At some point June went from being a Handmaid to a mob boss, but like a good mob boss, you know?

I breathed a sigh of relief as the other Handmaids appeared from the mist to carry June’s bleeding body through the woods and giddily texted a friend “WHAT NOW!?” as the credits started rolling. So…what now? Well I’m obviously not a Hulu exec, but I have some predictions for The Handmaid’s Tale season 4.

June Isn’t Going Anywhere

The plane is gone, and with it, June’s opportunity of flying out of Gilead. But here’s the thing about June: she’s the star so like…she’s not going to be killed off. If Elisabeth Moss was considering pulling a Steve Carrell à la The Office and departing her well-rated show before we’re given a satisfying ending, more time would have been spent building up the story line of one of the other peripheral characters, but nobody has been built up enough to take over the mighty shoes that June would leave behind.

Rita, Emily & Moira Will Slay

Rita is a boss-ass bitch too, and hopefully we’ll get a lot more of her in season 4, as well as more of Moira, who we were kind of cheated out of this season, what with only a few memorable scenes. In regards to Emily, I could not be happier about Alexis Bledel’s career trajectory. Like, who knew Rory Gilmore could act like that!? She can like, really act! For that reason I think (and hope) we get more of Emily next season.

Commander Lawrence’s Reprise

So the plane is gone, and with it a whole slew of Marthas and a sh*t ton of kids. It’s inevitable that The Handmaid’s Tale season 4 premiere will open with all the commanders and all the wives waking up and discovering that all of their precious little stolen children are missing, like Christmas morning in Whoville, only the Grinch won’t be held responsible this time. Commander Lawrence stayed behind in a final act of bravery, and I predict he’ll take the blame and coincidentally the glory for June’s work and definitely be hung on the wall, which is sad but also let us not forget it’s largely his fault everyone’s in this situation. He’s like the friend who suggests going to a terrible restaurant then takes all the glory when he picks up the check…like yeah you should pay for it because you’re the only goddamn reason we’re here.

With Lawrence potentially out of the picture, his big Frankensteiny mansion will just be sitting there rotting. Location is everything when it comes to real estate and Gilead is no longer the hot place to be buying! Even if Lawrence ends up keeping his life, and his book- and probably roach-filled house, I don’t think we’ve seen the last of that house yet. June and the other Handmaids will make it their headquarters/hideout, because after all, everyone in Gilead will assume they’re gone along with everyone else. June is known to be the boss bitch on the block and if they’re assuming she’s the brains behind this heist they’ll assume she was the first one on that plane too.

Aunt Lydia v June: Two Enter, One Leaves

With that sneaky bitch Aunt Lydia snooping around like your little sister sniffing out your brand new Abercrombie clothes in high school, she’s bound to be a problem, and we’ve waited three full seasons for that showdown of the century, Aunt Lydia Vs. June. Maybe Aunt Lydia will turn Lawrence style, or maybe she’ll make it her personal mission to take down June—either way it’s going to make a killer episode. With surprisingly little mention about Hannah in the finale, June will return her laser focus on getting her daughter back like a college sophomore with a re-upped Adderall prescription, so Aunt Lydia is sure to get in the way.

Canada’s Done Playing

This is the second consecutive Handmaid’s finale we’ve watched June just barely miss her escape, but like a phoenix from the ashes, or your drunk friend that throws up before getting her second wind, June will rise again and be stronger than ever. After all, there are still kids left in Gilead and June is setting herself up to be the hero of the future history books. She’ll help get more women and children out with no regard to her own personal safety, she’s clearly decided this cause is worth her life and it’s making for such a better viewing experience. With all of these new arrivals in Canada they’re not going to be able to ignore what’s happening in Gilead, and maybe we’ll get an invasion of some sort, with Luke, Emily, Moira and Rita all campaigning to get June back who knows how far they’ll go?

Orange Is The New Waterfords

Watching the demise of the Waterfords unfold should be a joy ride we’ve all earned. With Serena getting re-arrested and losing her immunity, I can’t help but feel giddy that we’ll get to see her behind bars with the people she tortured in Gilead on the other side. Imagine June visiting a locked up Serena!? It’s all too damn much and I can’t wait for it. Mr. Waterford is a genuine piece of sh*t, and he’ll make sure Serena rots along side him, and while part of me feels bad for her, she’s like….a terrible person, plus she’s such an amazing actress, can you imagine the monologues she’ll deliver from her orange jumpsuit? Seeing as baby Nichole has literally no Waterford blood and it’s now out in the open, I think the days of worrying about her going back to them are in the past, bless up. I’m also super excited for Nick’s reprise, partly because of his newly uncovered mysterious past, mostly because he’s so goddamn hot.

I guess we’ll have to wait until season four premieres to really know what’s going to go down in Gilead, and hopefully we don’t have to sit though 10 f*cking episodes to wait for it get good again, but frankly it could be 13 episodes of Elisabeth Moss staring directly into camera and I would still tune in. Until then, under his eye.

Images: Hulu; Giphy (5)

Already Miss ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’? 5 Chilling Dystopian Novels By Women

Siobhan Adcock is the author of the novels, The Barter and The Completionist. Her short fiction has been published in Triquarterly and The Massachusetts Review, and her essays and humor writing have appeared in Salon, The Daily Beast, and Huffington Post. She lives with her husband and daughter in Brooklyn.

You’ve devoured all three seasons of Hulu’s award-winning drama. You’ve read the classic Margaret Atwood novel on which it’s based. You’ve surfed the wide, exciting wave of feminist dystopian fiction that has flooded bookstores, from justly praised bestsellers like Naomi Alderman’s The Power and Leni Zumas’s Red Clocks to lesser-known but powerful examples like The End We Start From by Megan Hunter, The Water Cure by Sophie Mackintosh, and Mother of Invention by Caeli Wolfson Widger. (Maybe you’ve even read my own feminist dystopian novel, The Completionist.)

And you’ve still got that itch to scratch, that need, that fever…and not for more cowbell. No. What you want are even more scorching feminist visions of the hideous, inescapable future that seems to be hurtling us toward, if we’re not there already, with every day of rising maternal mortality, normalized sexual violence, curtailed reproductive freedoms, and toxic masculinity.

Well, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, women continue to face violence, discrimination, predation, and the rollback of basic freedoms while earning 50 to 70 cents on the dollar compared to men. The good news is, all of this seems to be producing some incredible works of speculative fiction. Ya win some, ya lose some, I guess.

For better or for worse—but mostly, it seems, for the better—the wave that started with the 2016 election shows no sign of slowing down. Here are a few of the new and upcoming books by women writers presenting an unflinching, often enraging vision of a future that, at times, can bear an unsettling resemblance to our present. Read these while you wait for season four of The Handmaid’s Tale, and the long-awaited release of Atwood’s sequel, The Testaments, this fall.

The Farm by Joanne Ramos

Imagine a future in which surrogate motherhood becomes a luxury capitalist enterprise, a kind of Gilead driven by dollars rather than Bible verses, and you’ll have taken a first step into Ramos’s novel. Women willing to serve as surrogates (many of them low-income or women of color) are offered the handsomely paid opportunity to live in a posh “gestational retreat,” but the catch is, their every move, morsel, and emotion are monitored in order to produce perfect babies. The novel’s heroine, a Filipina single mother named Jane, is a worthy successor to Offred.

Oval by Elvia Wilk

In a near-future Berlin, a young scientist, Anja, lives with her artist/influencer boyfriend, Louis, in a disintegrating house on an artificial mountain, part of an experimental corporate-owned “sustainable” community that is manifestly anything but sustainable. The same corporation that employs Anja and owns their house also acquires the rights to a new drug Louis is working on, called Oval, that may improve humankind’s capacity for kindness…or inspire a collapse. Wryly funny, dark, and smart, Oval is squarely in the tradition of Margaret Atwood’s other dystopian masterpiece, the Madaddam trilogy.

Tentacle by Rita Indiana

This thrilling dystopian/historical mashup of a novel by a Dominican author begins in a post-apocalypse Caribbean, where income inequality fostered by environmental disaster has run to its most rampant extremes. Acilde, a former sex worker turned housekeeper who is saving up for an injection that will reassign her gender to male, is unexpectedly thrown back in time to the colonial Caribbean, with the opportunity to save the ocean from devastation. But to dismiss this as a time travel novel is to diminish its exhilarating blend of post-colonial criticism, queer politics, humor, and pop culture (including emojis) as artistic expression.

The Future of Another Timeline by Annalee Newitz

Purely by coincidence, yes, this is another feminist time travel novel, due out in September 2019. But Newitz, an award-winning author of speculative fiction and nonfiction, steers this traditional sci-fi trope in an exciting direction: A young woman living in a dangerous near-future, determined to fix the injustices of the past and protect other young women like herself, must fight for the power to create positive change that actually lasts. (If that sounds familiar, you might have been reading AOC’s Twitter feed.)

Motherland by Lauren Beukes

The new novel by bestselling author Beukes, coming in May 2020, takes place after a global pandemic has almost wiped out the global male population. Cole, a single mother of a young boy, is on the run through an America cruelly transformed by shifts in power, where men are a protected class. Like Naomi Alderman’s bestselling feminist dystopian novel The Power, in which women develop the ability to wield a mysterious electromagnetic force that has startling effects on men—and the power they wield—this novel looks to be set in a world in which gender dynamics have flipped, but not necessarily for the good.

Siobhan Adcock is the author of the novels, The Barter and The Completionist. Her short fiction has been published in Triquarterly and The Massachusetts Review, and her essays and humor writing have appeared in Salon, The Daily Beast, and Huffington Post. She lives with her husband and daughter in Brooklyn.

Imags: Hulu

Aunt Lydia Is Not Okay: ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Episode 4 Recap

Thank God for this week’s episode of The Handmaid’s Tale. I had honestly gotten worried that the show was bad now after those first three eps, which felt like a hodge-podge of fake inspirational moments set to weird music. But this week, dear readers, we are back and I, for one, am happy to feel the familiar terror of a good Handmaid’s ep again. We also get lots of Janine, which is never a bad thing.

We open on church bells, which are never a good sign in Gilead. All the women of Gilead appear to be on a power walk. Gotta get those steps in. Just because you’re living under an oppressive patriarchal theocracy doesn’t mean you can’t be fit!

Aunt Lydia has a new scooter, which is nice for her. OfRobert calls her “Hell on wheels,” but I prefer “Paulina Blart Handmaid Cop.” Turns out they’re all walking to a mass baptism, which is the Gilead version of Coachella. When they arrive, Janine, OfMatthew the narc, and June all get to sit in the VIP section because they’ve had children before. How nice for them. Maybe this is a good birthday party theme after all???

Flashback To Before Things Went To Sh*t

All of this reminds June of when Hannah was baptized, which was a significantly less depressing affair. I had forgotten about June’s badass feminist mom, who immediately calls the priests “holier than thou child molesters” and tells June that you “cannot let religon control your choices,” because “thats what they want.” Foreshadowing much, Mama June?

The biggest takeaway from these scenes is that June and Luke are extremely cute, and Moira’s discomfort during the ceremony made me feel seen.

Baptism Pool Party!!!

Fred is here. Why is Fred always here?

June: I ought to feel hatred for this man. I know I ought to feel it, but it isn’t what I feel…
Me: Don’t worry girl I’ve got you on the hating Fred front.

Gilead whenever they see babies:

After the baptism, there is a party at Janine’s old house, which the handmaids are invited to attend. Truly wild that Janine is invited to that party considering she once kidnapped the baby of the house and jumped off a bridge with it but, whatevs. All is forgiven, I guess.

OfMatthew: Handmaids shouldn’t be at the party. That’s not how it works.

OfMatthew was clearly the one who raised her hand to tell the teacher they forgot to assign homework back in the old days.


Serena Joy arrives fashionably late, and June pulls her aside to remind her that, despite the whole kidnapping and losing a finger thing, SJ is still the HBIC of the wives. She has the best eyebrows. She has all the cigs. She’s essentially the cool senior who smokes on the quad during lunch. And that, my friends, is power.

Oh, Canada

Can I just say the scenes of Emily trying to readjust to normal life are some of the best of this series and Alexis Bledel is a national goddamn treasure? Can I just say that?

Me as soon as Emily comes on screen knowing she is to be reunited with her wife:

Emily and her high cholesterol go to her wife, Sylvia’s, place to reintroduce her to their son, Oliver, and once again Handmaid’s Tale has me sobbing into my wine glass. Like, did they really need to cast an adorable little boy with an adorable little boy lisp for this scene? Couldn’t they have chosen one of those kids with the weirdly sweaty hands and a perpetual snot bubble or something? Give us a f*cking break.

Oliver: Emily will you read to me?
Emily: *Sobbing immediately*
Sylvia: *Sobbing immediately*
Me: *Sobbing immediately*
Oliver: Uh…okay…I guess I’ll just read it myself…

Back to the Party

We open on a casual Aunt Lydia sh*t talking session. OfMatthew interrupts immediately with an “Aunt Lydia is just doing her job,” and it’s like OKAY HERMIONE DON’T YOU HAVE SOME F*CKING STUDYING TO DO?!? Janine has resumed her role as the Spongebob of Gilead by acting like getting frisked by the police was just some light tickling, and by offering to bring Aunt Lydia some tea. Here’s a screenshot of that moment:

Aunt Lydia: I know why all the handmaids don’t like me. They blame me for Emily.
Janine: *stares in one eyeball*

Meanwhile in the kitchen, the sh*t talking sesh has been interrupted by Fred, who clears the entire room within 30 seconds.

“Have you girls tried the buffet? The deviled eggs are delicious.” – Fred flirting.

Once the other handmaids are gone, Fred turns to June for advice about his marriage, which he thinks is ruined because of Nichole, but is actually ruined because he let his friends cut his wife’s finger off. This is basically a recreation of every time your guy friend comes to you for dating advice, and you have to find a way to gently tell him that he’s a f*ckboi with bad style whose dating app profile needs serious work.

June: Maybe you should let Serena have thoughts and opinions again?

Janine and Angela

Cut to: Serena Joy enjoying a Virginia Slim by the pool.

June tells SJ that she told Fred to stop being such a f*ck and to give her more of a say in what goes on in Gilead. SJ repays this later by telling June where Hannah is most likely to go to school. Besties!!!

June: Wear the dress. Pull the strings.
Me: Brb I have a new tattoo to get.

Sadly, the party takes a dark turn when baby Angela (aka Janine’s baby) comes out to play.

Janine as soon as she sees Angela:
Things honestly go okay at first. Janine is allowed to hold Angela and she doesn’t try to murder-suicide her so it’s a definite improvement over the last time they hung out. Then, in typical Janine fashion, she loses her sh*t and starts begging to be their handmaid again so she can live in the house with Angela, which leads to Aunt Lydia LOSING HER F*CKING MIND AND BEATING JANINE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. Clearly almost dying did *not* sit well with her and she’s basically the Hulk now. But like, a v religious Hulk that needs a scooter to get around. June eventually stops her but, damn, that’s one way to ruin a party. Like, of all the times I’ve been to a party and felt like I ruined it, at least I never lost my mind and beat the sh*t out of a mentally ill woman with one eyeball who also happens to be my only friend. At least I’ve never done that.

Aunt Lydia after she’s done going psycho on Janine:
Like most parties that go south this fast, the police arrive. June lingers around to see the cops showing Fred and SJ some YouTube videos on their iPad. Weird. The video turns out to be of Luke and baby Nichole at a protest. This makes June happy, and when the cops ask her if that’s Luke, she confirms his identity, but is anybody else worried Gilead is gonna use this to try and get baby Nichole back? Like, is this going to be an Elian Gonzalez situation? Because I feel like Luke’s legal argument for keeping Nichole is dubious at best. But maybe that’s just the conspiracy theorist in me.

Back In Canada

The episode ends with Moira and Luke trying to explain their relationship with Nichole to a priest so they can get her baptized, which only makes me believe more in my theory that a Nichole custody battle is forthcoming.

We end on a very sweet scene of Luke and Moira baptizing Nichole set to “Down by the River to Pray” from O Brother Where Art Thou? A family truly can look like anything!

Under his eye, fam. Until next week!

Images: Hulu; Giphy (7)

5 Predictions We Have For ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Season 3

Blessed be the fruit! The Handmaid’s Tale season 3 is upon us and I, for one, am very excited to get back to traumatizing myself for an hour every Wednesday. In typical Handmaid’s Tale fashion, the newly released trailer features some cryptic voiceover by our girl Offred (June if you’re nasty), and some very tantalizing clues as to what may happen next season. After watching approximately 10,000 times, here are some predictions…

1. Offred Moves In With Commander Lawrence

I mean…she can’t go back to the Waterfords, and his handmaid just escaped, so it’s kind of perfect, no? The trailer shows multiple shots of June in with Commander Lawrence (aka Zaddy) in his house, and we know as of the season two finale that he’s a good guy (despite the fact that he created the colonies) so this just makes logical sense. What doesn’t make logical sense is that Offred appears to be chilling in public in both Handmaid and Martha attire with no disguise, even though she must be the most wanted woman in the whole country? Like, what is this shot of her just standing in the middle of a government building like it’s NBD? Do these people not realize they are in the presence of OFFRED, the Beyoncé of Gilead? I am confused.

2. Serena Goes Full Good-Guy

What Serena Joy has lost in fingers she will make up for in good deeds this season. SJ began this transformation at the end of season two by giving June the baby, but does one measly baby-handing-over make up for the fact that to get said baby she masterminded the assault of a pregnant woman? I think not. In the trailer, we see a flash of Serena when June talks about “powerful allies,” so I think it’s safe to say Serena will be working for the #Resistance and trying to create some much better Karma for herself next season. The trailer ends with a shot of her and June enjoying a cig by the pool, so it looks like they’re going to collab on a big project very soon (see item #5 for my guess as to what that may be…).

3. Aunt Lydia Is Alive

The biggest spoiler from the trailer is that Aunt Lydia is, apparently, alive. Unless that shot of her is from a flashback, which I think is unlikely. She seemed pretty f*cking dead last we saw her, considering Emily stabbed her, pushed her over a bannister, and kicked her down the stairs, but I’ve watched TV long enough to know that no character that dies in one season’s finale isn’t actually dead until it is confirmed in next season’s premier. I predict Aunt Lydia’s brush with death will end up being the thing that turns her good, and will give us more insight into how she became the Dark Doula of Gilead.

4. The Waterfords Get A Lamp

May the Lord open a goddamn window in this bitch!!!!! This is less of a prediction and more of a sincere hope, but now that the Waterfords have to rebuild their house I hope they use that opportunity to buy a goddamn lamp. People complained about the Battle of Winterfell on Game of Thrones episode being hard to see, but every scene at Chez Waterford is like a sensory deprivation tank. I’m just praying that the well-lit pool room at the end of the trailer is in the Waterfords’ new house so that Serena Joy can get some much needed vitamin D on that finger nub. Please, Hulu. I want to be able to see everything when she and June finally kill Mr. Waterford.

Which brings me to my final prediction…

5. Mr. Waterford Dies

I’m sorry, but this motherf*cker has got to go. It may be wishful thinking, but I am predicting that Serena and June tag-team killing Mr. Waterford this season and resume their old job of pretending to be him in letters. Between the multiple assaults, domestic violence, letting the government cut off his wife’s finger, and the fact that he revealed last season he does not know how to make tea, this character is done. I know he’s a main character but if Game of Thrones could kill off Ned Stark, Handmaid’s Tale can kill this gangly-ass Bible-thumping Harvey Weinstein. End of rant.

Images: Giphy (5)

Luke’s Hipster Survival Guide: ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Recap

You know how when you’re watching The Handmaid’s Tale you often think, “yes, but what about the men’s stories? I want to hear more from the men!” And remember how when we met Luke, Offred’s hipster husband from before everything went to crazy town you were like, “Let’s follow this riveting character for an entire episode!”

Yup. This week was a whole episode of just Luke. No Offred. No Serena Joy. We don’t even get Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine. Just Luke, two seconds of Offred, their gorgeous child, and a shitload of random Canadian hipsters.

This. Is. Not. What. I. Watch. This. Shit. For. We were literally just starting to get to the actual sexy sex (aka “consensual sex”) parts and then the writers decide to throw us a full episode of Luke in the tundra clutching a gunshot wound? No thank you. If I wanted to watch men run around in the woods I would have watched The Revenant instead of immediately dumping my boyfriend for suggesting it.

Anyway, here’s the recap:

As we all know, last episode we found out that Luke was alive and Offred was able to get a message to him via the Mexican ambassador’s friend, who turned out to be a very clutch person.

Offred: But he was shot! I heard the gunshots.
Mexican Ambassador’s Friend: Hearing gunshots but not seeing a body is a common storytelling device for revealing at a later time that a character is still alive! Jesus, they really don’t let you read, do they?

We open on Luke, Offred, and Gorgeous Baby Hannah hauling ass to Canada. Things are going fine until Luke, for literally no reason, drives off the road into a ditch.

Now is really not the time to be distracted by your aux cord, dude.

The rest is a recap of what we already know: Offred and Gorgeous Baby Hannah bolt to the border only to be caught by the Guardians (aka the cops), Luke gets shot and left for dead.

What we didn’t now is Luke’s not dead. He’s just shot pretty bad. Honestly, if you didn’t see this coming from a mile away go to the optometrist because you need stronger contacts.

Luke blacks out from the whole blood loss thing and wakes up in an ambulance, which is cool for about two seconds until that ambulance also gets into a car accident and flips over.

Two car accidents in the span of 30 minutes? Get you a man who can do both, I guess.

Luke survives yet again, leading me to believe that the real story here is that Luke is some kind of superhero with regeneration powers. Like Hayden Panettiere in that show about the cheerleader.

Luke sets off on priority number one when you’ve just been in two car accidents, shot, and your wife and kid are missing: finding his Warby Parkers and throwing on a sweet cardigan.

Mission accomplished. Luke seamlessly transitions his look from “two car accidents and a bullet wound” to “recurring character on Girls” and sets off into the woods. Honestly, this dude’s dedication to style is really admirable.

Cut to an eternity of Luke all dazed and wandering through the woods. I get up. I make myself some popcorn. I come back. He’s still in the woods. I text some people. Start some drama. Look up from my phone. Luke is still in the woods. I call the people I texted before. I tell them I’m sorry. We solve it. Luke is still in the woods. I go on Tinder. Swipe right. Meet someone. We go out. We date a little bit. It doesn’t work out because the sex was bad. I ghost him. I come back. Luke is still in the woods.

And so on and so forth until the day I die.

Luke finally finds refuge in an abandoned town with a bunch of anti-gay slurs spray painted everywhere and glass all over the place. So basically like, fraternity row during the summer.

It appears to be cold AF.

Luke: *is dying*
Audience: Ugh I hope he fucking kicks the bucket soon so the episode can switch back to Offred’s POV.

Flashback to Offred and Luke on their way to flee the border. They gave Gorgeous Baby Hannah a shitload of pills, so she’s either sleeping or tripping balls. Either way, she’s quiet.

They meet some shady old border crossing dude who is clearly their contact for getting into Canada to chill with Justin Trudeau (I’m assuming Justin Trudeau is still Prime Minister in this universe).

Border Crossing Guy: Leave your backpack. If they think you’re fleeing they’ll kill you.
Luke: But what about all our photo albums!
Offred: Um hey dude I’m like five minutes from being sold into religious reproductive servitude so let’s do what the guy says and give him the fucking backpack, we’ll take pictures when we get to Canada thankssomuch.
Luke: I hear that. I respect that. I’m taking the photo albums.

Luke, Offred, and Drugged Out Baby Hannah pop in the trunk of border crossing guy’s car, and shit is all good until they’re stopped by the cops. You think the jig is up, but then the cop who inspects the car pretends not to see them.

Border Crossing Guy: Haha yeah that cop’s my friend. I fucked his sister once and now he owes me a favor.
Luke: Uh…what?

They arrive at Border Crossing Guy’s house and Hannah is still dead asleep, meaning they must have really put her on some good shit. Like, they’ve been through hours of driving, a ride in the trunk, and a brush with the police and homegirl is still dead asleep. Can someone please get me Offred’s dealer? I don’t believe for one second this is Benadryl.

Border Crossing Guy: Hey Luke have you ever used a gun?
Luke: Literally look at me. Have you seen my scarf? Of course I haven’t ever used a gun. Unless by “used a gun” you mean “read a New Yorker cartoon,” in which case—
Border Crossing Guy: *shows him how to use a gun*

Cut back to present-day Luke, being rudely awoken by some chick with a flashlight.

Flashlight Girl: *looks at his gunshot wound* You’re gonna bleed to death.
Luke: You know I was kind of getting that feeling.

Luke gets carted away by a group of freedom fighter looking types, who happen to all also be hipsters. Has Luke found his tribe?? Based on the number of beanies per capita in this bus, I’d say yes. Honestly I’m surprised no one has tried to feed him a vegan kale smoothie or asked him if he’s seen the new Twin Peaks. Am I really supposed to believe that this guy survived the downfall of the American government?

Flashback to Luke, Offred, and Hannah casually playing outside while waiting for Border Crossing Guy as if they’re not like, in fucking hiding and shit. They get spotted by someone because, of course they did.

Cut back to Luke, who has decided he’s getting off the Bonnaroo bus and going back to find Offred and their Xanax child. The girl who found Luke, who appears to be the leader of the hipsters, replies with a hearty “nah.”

Luke: Stop the bus I’m getting off.
Leader Of The Hipsters: Lol I have a gun sit the fuck down.
Luke: Okay well I tried.

Flashback to Offred and Luke being rudely barged in upon by the guy who spotted them before. Luke does literally nothing while Offred immediately pulls out a gun.

Who run da world?

The random man tells them that their border crossing guy was killed, and that they have to GTFO right now because the police know about them. Fuck. Okay.

Random Guy: This is all pretty fucked up, huh?
Offred: They’re going to steal my daughter and make me fuck old people for a living.

Cut back to Luke, who has finally been let off the bus and is planning to head back into the U.S. to try and find Offred and Hannah.

Hipster Leader: Hey, before you go, let me show you a bunch of dead bodies I found.
Luke: Okay, okay I’ll go with you to Canada.

We’re finally at the border crossing and there’s a problem: the hipster tourbus only paid for five people to cross, and now that Luke is there, there are six.

New Border Crossing Guy: I need payment.
Luke (after two seconds of thought): Here is my wedding ring.

Damn. That’s a pretty quick turnaround from “I’m going back into Gilead to save my family” to “here is my wedding ring, take it, it’s trash.”

Luke, I see you.

Hipster Leader, Luke, and this chick who has been crying the whole time go to get on their border crossing boat when out of nowhere, people start shooting at them like crazy. Hipster Leader gets shot and dies.

RIP Leader of the Hipsters. You had great eyebrows, and for that, you will be missed.

Chick who has been crying the whole time is really crying now. She’s the Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine of this episode.

We jump a full three years into the future. Luke has made it to whatever is left of the United States. We know this because like the current United States, there are fucking flags everywhere. He’s casually chilling with Girl Who Cries All The Time; she’s stopped crying.

Luke gets a strange phone call and hauls ass to an American government office, where a lady tells him what we already know: Offred is alive, and she has a message for him.

Luke. Is. Stoked. Somewhere back in Gilead, Offred is looking determinedly off into the distance (like she does).

We finally hear what Offred’s letter said:

I love you.
So much.
Save Hannah.

And with that, Offred rolls up in the last 30 seconds to steal an episode she literally had four lines in. Let’s hope we get back to her story next episode. 

Offred’s Going To Cabo: ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Recap

Well ladies, it’s that time of the week again. Time to check in on the handmaids of Gilead, and honestly, if you don’t immediately donate your entire direct deposit to your local Planned Parenthood after this one, then IDK what to tell you.

We open on sex, but like, the good kind. The kind where both people are into it and have orgasms and take off their clothes and stuff. It’s a welcome change.

Offred: But that can’t happen again.
Audience: Girl, I tell myself the same thing.

Sadly for Offred, the sex is over and now she’s back in Handmaid world, cleaning blood off of a wall, like ya do. Aunt Lydia is there and so is Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine. Important foreign people are coming to Gilead and they don’t want them to know about the whole “we hang bodies from this wall as a reminder to all of our iron-clad regime” thing.

Side bar to anyone from Gilead who is reading this rn (because Gilead is basically real at this point): Ya’ll would have a much easier time washing your blood wall if you try to clean it regularly, rather than only cleaning it when fancy foreigners are coming. But like, I always tell myself the same thing about cleaning my bedroom so I get that it’s easier said than done.

Random Handmaid From Episode One: Foreign ambassadors are coming. They’re going to be at your house.
Offred: How tf do you know that? And where tf did you come from? I haven’t seen you since episode one?
Random Handmaid From Episode One: My commander. Small dick, big mouth.
Offred: Lol okay you can hang.

Cut to Offred at home chatting with Serena Joy. Turns out Random Handmaid From Episode One was right: A trade delegation from Mexico is coming and SJ is in full wife mode, making sure everything is on point for when the Mexicans arrive.

SJ: Hey so, while I have you here, if you could not mention the fact that you’re a sex slave while the Mexicans are here, that would be so great.
Offred: But I am a—
SJ: Awesome. Great chat.

Flashback to when the Waterfords were actually in love and shit. Still prayed before sex tho. That is troubling.

Hot(ish) Nick picks up Offred to bring her to the Mexican Ambassador, but first they engage in some very important this-shit-could-get-us-killed PDA.

Hot(ish) Nick: You look pretty.
Offred: I wear the same shit every day.

Offred is now being presented to the Mexican Ambassador, who is a woman in a giant yellow pantsuit. Freedom and feminism at its finest.

Seriously. If this outfit doesn’t scream “I’m allowed to do whatever the fuck I want” then I don’t know what does.

Mexican Ambassador: So, Offred, are you happy?
Offred: …..


We now learn a couple important things about the world of Gilead (aka, us in 5 years). First, we learn that there is a famine in Mexico because of global warming. They don’t have oranges, but we do have oranges. Mr. Waterford is pretty shitty about it.

Mr. Waterford: I know you have rights but do you have…ORANGES?!?! 

Then, the Mexican Ambassador drops a fucking bomb—Serena Joy once wrote a book about “domestic feminism” called A Woman’s Place and was arrested for inciting a riot.


Mexican Ambassador: When you wrote your book, did you ever imagine a society like this?
Serena Joy: A society that reduced carbon emissions by 70%?
Mexican Ambassador: No, a society in which women can no longer read your book.


The Mexican Ambassador keeps asking all the women if they like living in Gilead and it’s like, hey lady why don’t you try asking them when all the men who own them aren’t around? Like maybe declare a girl’s trip to the bathroom and get the real shit? Just a thought.

Flashback to Serena Joy’s old life, when she was allowed to wear florals. She and Mr. Waterford plan a fun date to the movies (surprised they don’t have to pray before that too) and they’re about to start the movie when Mr. Waterford gets a crucial text (hate when that happens…)

Mr. Waterford: Remember that terrorist attack we planned? The one on The White House, Congress, and The Supreme Court? Well it’s happening.
Serena Joy: Praise Be

Um…okay so a few things here:

1. I knew Serena Joy was a bitch, but I didn’t know she was a blow-up-the-government-bitch. I thought she was just a like, be-nice-to-your-face-then-subtweet-you-from-the-bathroom type person. This is a new level.
2. Maybe Mr. Waterford is new to the whole terrorism thing, but this def seems like the type of conversation you would not want to be having via text. At least do Snapchat. That shit disappears.
3. Turn down your brightness, dude. You’re in a movie. Honestly this confirms everything I’ve ever thought about what type of person uses full brightness in a movie theater. Terrorists.

Cut back to Offred, who is in her room chilling when Hot(ish) Nick shows up. Mr. Waterford wants to see her. The two of them start making out in the hallway like this is the hallway before first period. Seriously, it’s like these two think they still live in the United States or something.

Just when you thought you’d forgotten that Mr. Waterford literally needs to play Scrabble to get hard, here are Offred and Mr. Waterford playing Scrabble again.

Offred is over it and not listening, which would be fine and normal behavior for someone playing Scrabble with a narc like Mr. Waterford if this wasn’t Gilead and she wasn’t his weird sex slave.

Mr. Waterford: Am I boring you?
Offred: No.
Offred Internal Monologue: We’re on game 500 of Scrabble what the fuck do you think?

Mr. Waterford gets offended that Offred isn’t wet for Scrabble and tells her to leave. Then Offred remembers one crucial detail: Mr. Waterford is a fuckboy, and like all fuckboys, he’s a fucking idiot.

Offred: Can I stay here, pweeeeeeeeeaaaasssseeee *bats eyelashes*
Mr. Waterford: Yes. I am a weak and fragile male.

Then Mr. Waterford and Offred then start MAKING OUT, like she wasn’t just making out with Hot(ish) Nick like two seconds ago.

Offred—u officially nasty. Honestly, you gotta hand it to the girl for living in patriarchal dystopian sex slavery and still managing to be a player. Like, take notes. Ya girl has it going on. 

Now it’s time for a big party planned by Literal Terrorist Serena Joy, and all the handmaids are lined up getting your typical pre-prom pep talk from Aunt Lydia. No alcohol. Leave room for Jesus. Don’t tell anyone you’ve been conscripted against your will into sexual servitude. That kind of thing.

Oserena Bin Joydin shows up to take one last look at the handmaids to make sure they’re all presentable. Obviously, there is one person who is not presentable at all.


SJ: Um yeah who is the freak with no eyeball?
Aunt Lydia: Oh, that’s Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine. She’s actually the only person who is excited to be here so it’d be pretty sad if you—
SJ: Get her out of my fucking sight.

Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine: But I want to go to the party!
Aunt Lydia: First of all, chill, it’s not really a party. Second of all, I’ll make sure you get ice cream.
Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine: Oh. We good.

Honestly, I wish I loved anything as much as Janine loves ice cream. It’d make my life much richer.

Anyway, the girls all go into the party, which looks like the lamest fucking party I’ve ever seen, probably because it was planned by Serena Joy, who, need I remind you, prays before sex.

Offred: Ugh I used to smoke weed in the woods with Moira. This party fucking sucks.

Flashback to Serena Joy’s old life, when she was allowed to wear impeccably tailored navy skirt suits. Serena is upset because now that they blew up the government and installed a religious patriarchy, nobody will talk to her.

Hmm…wonder why the fuck that is?

This is why you don’t make alliances with men, ladies. They will betray you and make you wear green-blue forever. So rude.

Cut back to the party, where Gilead is about to pull out the big guns aka the fact that their country has children in it. The Mexicans, who haven’t seen babies in a while, eat this shit up. Honestly, this infertility crisis must be pretty serious if a bunch of people are anything but totally horrified to have a bunch of 4- and 5-year-old children show up at their party and start running around. Like, nobody is getting lit around this: 

Offred: Looks like Mr. Waterford is going to get his orange trade.
Random Handmaid Who Said “Small Dick, Big Mouth” Earlier: Offred you fucking dumbass they’re not trading oranges, they’re trading handmaids.
Offred: ……………………………………………………..?

Yup. And that’s why you never trust a bitch in a giant yellow pantsuit. The Mexicans aren’t here for oranges. They’re here for handmaids so they can make them come to Mexico, and not in a cool spring break way; it’s in a continued-sex-slavery-but-now-in-a-place-where-you-don’t-speak-the-language-way. Very cool, Mexico.

Cut back to Mr. and Mrs. Waterford, who are pretty fucking stoked on how well the party went.

Mr. Waterford: You’re an amazing woman. I forgot.
Mrs. Waterford: You forgot about the time we literally planned the terrorist attack that created our current government situation? Rude.

Then they start hooking up. Honestly, everyone is hooking up this episode. For an oppressive theocracy, Gilead is horny as hell.

Speaking of horny, Offred is at Hot(ish) Nick’s loft apartment again, but she’s actually not horny at all. She’s the opposite of horny: upset about the role of women and her inability to take charge of her own biological destiny.

Offred: *finally describes what Mr. Waterford does to her as rape*
Hot(ish) Nick: So…are we hooking up tn or….?

The next day, Offred is getting ready to go on her daily walk with New Ofglen—who, need I remind you, said last episode she used to suck dick for meth—when she runs directly into the Mexican ambassador. The two of them are alone, which seems like a pretty huge oversight on the part of the Waterfords, but then again they’re Christian misogyny terrorist so who the fuck knows what they’re up to…

Mexican Ambassador: Hey Offred. So great to meet you. Do you want some chocolates?
Offred: I lied to you. This is a brutal place. We’re prisoners. If we run they try to kill us, or worse. They beat us. They use cattle prods to try to get us to behave. If we’re caught reading they cut off a finger. Second offense, the whole hand. They gauge out our eyes, maim us in worse ways than you could imagine. They rape me. Every month, whenever I might be fertile.
Mexican Ambassador: Um cool so about the choc—
Offred: I didn’t choose this. They caught me. I was trying to escape. They took my daughter. So don’t be sorry. Okay? Please don’t be sorry. Please do something.
Mexican Ambassador: Right so, there’s actually caramel chunks in here. Pretty good stuff if you’d just—
Offred: What are you gonna trade us for? We’re human beings. How can you do that? How?

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again—this is why you never trust a bitch in a poorly tailored yellow pantsuit. Any true feminist would have her pantsuit game on lock. The Mexican ambassador is a snake who talks a big feminist game when it’s convenient for her but ditches it when it’s not. She’s basically Taylor Swift. She clearly just snagged this pantsuit from a thrift store on her way across the border to lull the women into a false sense of security. We should have all known she was fake and phony as soon as we saw her enormous pirate collar.

But just when we think all hope is lost, the Mexican Ambassador’s friend (heretofore known as: bae), who has just been chilling in the background of every scene doing nothing, turns his feminism level up to 11.

Bae: Offred, I can help you.
Offred: Nobody can help me. I am a pris—
Bae: I can get a message to your hipster husband who you thought was dead.
Offred: Oh fuck yeah actually that would be huge, thank you.

Tl;dr: Serena Joy and Mr. Waterford are terrorists, Hot(ish) Nick has the good dick, The Mexican Ambassador is a snake, Offred’s husband is alive, and Rod Rosenstein appointed a special counsel to investigate Trump’s ties to Russia.

Pretty eventful week, if I do say so myself. 

This Show Makes My Vagina Hurt: ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Recap Episodes 1-3

So, between making predictions for the next Bachelorette season, and indulging in some Southern Charm, we’ve decided to engage in some more intellectual viewership with our newest obsession: The Handmaid’s Tale. For those of you who have been living under a rock and missed the thousands of promotional photos of Elisabeth Moss in a white bonnet, The Handmaid’s Tale is Hulu’s latest (and best) attempt at becoming Netflix. Based off Margaret Atwood’s bestseller by the same name, The Handmaid’s Tale tells the story of a woman named Offred living in a dystopian future where an oppressive theocracy forces all fertile women into sexual servitude. Damn. I could have been an English major.

Basically, if you’ve ever looked around and the Trump Administration and thought, “honestly, let’s turn this up a notch!” then The Handmaid’s Tale is for you.

So, given that we’re all feminists now, it’s only appropriate that we add a Handmaid’s Tale to our regular rotation of recaps, right alongside The Bachelor and Are You The One. Seems appropriate.

So let’s dive in, because we are like, four episodes late.

Episode 1: Offred

Welcome to the cheerful world of Gilead, where “bitches be crazy” has been made law. You know shit is bad because all the colors are muted and grainy like Kim Kardashian’s post-robbery Instagram aesthetic.

We open on Elisabeth Moss and her hipster husband comforting their literally gorgeous child. Things are not going great. We learn via flashback the U.S. has gone to shit and women are being rounded up and made to wear weird red outfits and say religious-sounding shit like, “Blessed be the fruit,” and “May the Lord open.” We’re not sure exactly why this happened, but I imagine it’s because Democrats failed to take back the House in 2018.

The flashback also shows Elisabeth Moss’ husband being killed, and her gorgeous child being taken away by police. It’s like, very upsetting.

Cut to the future where shit is all fucked up. We learn Elisabeth Moss’ name is Offred (because her master/owner guy’s name is Fred so she’s Of Fred, get it?) and she’s not allowed to hang out with anyone except Alexis Bledel (Ofglen), who Offred finds annoying. Same.

Offred: Blessed be the fruit. 
Inner Offred: Get this bitch out of my face.

Offred and Ofglen are basically only allowed to go to the grocery store and back, so for that reason, handmaids be shoppin’. Other than that, Offred spends all day in the house with her owner Mr. Waterford (whose name is Fred, I guess) and his wife, Serna Joy, who gets to wear green and doesn’t have a hat. Interesting.

There’s also a hot(ish) driver/gardener guy who may or may not be a spy and may or may not have a thing for Offred.

Hot(ish) Driver/Gardener Guy: Hey Offred.
Offred: I can’t fucking talk to you dumbass I’m a handmaid.

Offred and Ofglen go for a little walk along the river, and Ofglen reveals that she’s not annoying and is, in fact, a cool lesbian.

Flashback to a place called “The Red Center” where a horrible Ms. Trunchbull lookin’ lady named Aunt Lydia (sound like a brand of douche, TBH) is letting the handmaids know what’s good about their new situation.

Aunt Lydia: And, in conclusion, you will all now be gifted to a man where you will have to lay in between his wife’s legs and have sex with him until you get pregnant. It’s all pretty straightforward.
Handmaids: Say what now?

Offred sees her old weed smoking buddy, Poussey Moira, at The Red Center, but Moira gives her a look like “don’t fucking say anything” so Offred doesn’t say hi.

The chick sitting next to Offred at the RC clearly has no clue what’s up. She’s out here acting like the government wasn’t just taken over by an oppressive patriarchal religious something-or-other, mouthing off and giving attitude like this is first period gym. Her name is Janine, and things are going to get very difficult for her.

Janine: Fuck off, Aunt Lydia. 
Aunt Lydia: *Tases her and pops her eye out*


So now we finally get to what we’ve all been dreading all along: the sex stuff, henceforth referred to as “the ceremony.” Offred takes a bath and goes to meet up with the SJ, who does not like Offred, because of the whole thing where she has to watch Offred fuck her husband once a month. Mr. Waterford shows up and reads a bunch of weird Bible verses about some chick named Rachel who let her husband fuck her handmaid, which appears to be the religious basis for why this is happening.

Then we see The Ceremony take place and it’s very disturbing. The whole thing ends with Serena Joy yelling at Offred and Offred leaving like, “lol remember when I had a job and a husband and an Uber account?”

Cut back to Moira giving Offred some very, very good advice: If you ever want to see your little girl again, you need to keep your shit together.

This is like, Offred’s mantra now.

Now we get to the craziest part of the entire episode (surprisingly not The Ceremony), which is when all the handmaids are forced to gather in a field for “The Savaging,” which is basically what you do to a friend’s ex in your group text but real and someone dies. Basically we learn when someone commits a crime, the handmaids all get to jump him. It’s a lot.

Offred: Hmmm…I wonder if Moira is here.
Crazy Ass Eyeless Pregnant Janine: Oh Moira is dead.
Offred: Wow okay nobody fucking asked you Janine.

We find out from crazy-ass one-eyeball preggo Janine that Moira was caught escaping and was sent “to the colonies” which is apparently a place that is so disgusting and full of toxic waste that anyone who gets sent there dies within like, a week and all their skin falls of. So basically, modern day Florida.

After straight-up killing a dude, Offred and Ofglen walk home like, “lol that was crazy I can’t believe we did that!” The two of them are slowly becoming BFFs, which, in Gilead, is the most dangerous thing two women can be.

Offred: Alright, well, this is me. Seeya later, may the Lord whatever, etc etc…

Offred : My real name is June and I’m about to kirk.

Episode 2: Birth Day

This whole episode centers around Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine, who is about to give birth. Like everything in Gilead, the birthing process is both disturbing and extra.

We open up on The Ceremony again, because Hulu knows that we’re all freaks who slow down to see car wrecks and that this is what we want to see. Nobody involved looks like they are having a remotely pleasurable time, even Mr. Waterford, who obviously has the upper hand in this whole situation. Homebody doesn’t even take off his shoes.

Offred Interior Monologue: Hurry the fuck up.
Audience: Been there, sister.

Once the Ceremony is done, Offred is free to hang out with her new bestie Alexis Bledel, aka Offred. They take a nice stroll past a pile of dead bodies and make sure there are no Eyes (what they call spies—very original) before diving into a deep shit talking session.

Ofglen: Btw did you hear that they blew up St. Peter’s cathedral?
Offred: Wait, how tf do you know that? And how do you know there’s a spy in my house? What’s your fucking deal?
Ofglen: Omg there’s a resistance, did you not hear? So embarrassing. I’ll send you the invite.

Offred heads back into the house to chill, when Nick, the hot(ish) gardener/driver dude is like, “don’t hang out with Ofglen” and leaves. It’s unclear if he knows something or is just being a jealous little bitch.

Nick: Btw, Mr. Waterford wants to see you alone.
Offred: Cool.
Inner Offred: I’m fucking dead.

Now it is time for Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine to give birth. Much like The Ceremony that brought us to the birthing, everything is all fucked up and involves 2-15 too many people. On floor one, all the wives are laying around in their blue dresses eating macarons and pretending to give birth. On floor two, Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine is actually pushing out a kid.

Wife One: Hey Offred, want a cookie?
Offred: Sure.
Inner Offred: There are like, ten thousand things that I want more than this fucking cookie right now.

Janine gets into the final stretch of giving birth and, like everything in The Handmaid’s Tale, shit goes from bad to worse. Wife 1, who has been playing pretend pregnant all day, shows up and wraps her legs around Janine so that they look like a two-headed birth monster. The baby is born and they immediately take it and give it to the wife, and everybody pretends like they don’t know which vagina this baby actually came from.

Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine: Cool. It’s cool. You can have my baby.
Inner Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine: I’m gonna bite you next episode for this.

The episode ends with Offred showing up at Mr. Waterford’s office,

Offred: Are you going to kill me?
Mr. Waterford: Sort of. We’re going to play scrabble.

Like any good bestie, Offred is very excited to tell Ofglen/Alexis Bledel about her weird AF scrabble date. But—DUN DUN DUN—it’s not Ofglen/Alexis Bledel at the gate! It’s Ofglen/Some Random Bitch!!!!

Offred: Excuse me, but who the fuck are you?
Ofglen/Some Random Bitch: I’m Ofglen.
Offred/Everyone Watching: Fuck.

Episode 3: Late

We start this question with one question on everybody’s mind: Where the fuck is Alexis Bledel? Stolen away, apparently, by The Eyes, and send to a place with very aggressive lighting. 

Offred is so preoccupied with Ofglen’s disappearance that she doesn’t realize she hasn’t gotten her period yet, which is like, a huge fucking deal.

The first hint we get that something is up is when Rita the cook (cooks are reffered to as ‘Marthas’ btw), who is usually a huge bitch to Offred, is being all fake-nice to her and shit like this is sorority rush. In fact, everyone is being super fake to Offred now because they think she’s pregnant, even Serena Joy, who is usually the biggest bitch of all. 

“Nice” in The Handmaid’s Tale universe, btw, means that Offred gets to eat ice cream.

Rita: Hey Offred! Want some ice cream?
Offred: Hmm…I’d prefer my child back, actually, but thanks.

Meanwhile, New Ofglen is a total narc, and it reminds Offred of when she and Moira used to chill and go jogging together to a local coffee shop where the barista, who has clearly suffered one two many Tinder rejections in his day, calls them “sluts” for wearing shorts. Way harsh, Tai.

Offred Interior Monologue: When they slaughtered congress, we didn’t wake up. When they blamed terrorists and suspended the Constitution, we didn’t wake up either. They said it would be temporary. Nothing changes instantaneously. In a gradual, heating bath tub, you’d be dead before you knew it.
Audience: Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump

We see another flashback to Offred trying to see if her direct deposit hit, and finding out that all of her money has been taken away and transferred to her husband. Also women can’t have jobs anymore. Cool.

Cut to Serena Joy, who has literally no chill about the fact that Offred might be pregnant.

Serena Joy: Want to go visit Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine? Maybe her pregnancy juice will rub off on you!!!!!
Offred: That’s literally not how this works but whatever I just want to get out of the house.

Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine is crazier than ever now that she’s had a baby. We find out that she actually bit the wife for holding the baby wrong, which you’d think would lose her that second eyeball, but actually things are kind of great for Janine right now. I mean, as great as it gets for handmaids.

Offred: Janine you can’t bite people wtf
Janine: Actually, I gave birth to a healthy baby and now I can do whatever the fuck I want. I can even have ice cream.
Offred: Again with the fucking ice cream.

Janine then reveals that on top of having one eye and being totally bat shit nuts, she’s also a delusional dater who thinks her owner guy is in love with her and that he said they’re gonna run away together. Turns out fuckboys are thriving in Gilead.

Shit hits the fan when Offred returns home and realizes that one of The Eyes is at her house and hot(ish) Nick brought her straight to them.

Hot(ish) Nick: Tell them everything.
Offred: Umm wow dude I thought we had a thing?

Surprise, surprise, Aunt Lydia is here along with some dude who works for The Eyes, and double surprise, they pull out a taser and tase Offred like, immediately.

Offred, who is on some kind of high because of all the ice cream she’s been offered, tries to get mouthy with The Eye and tells him that she knew Ofglen was gay. “Gay” is a forbidden word, so Aunt Lydia commences beating the shit out of her.

Serena Joy: WTF are you doing she’s pregnant!
Aunt Lydia: My bad.

Cut to Ofglen in a jail trying to give a guard a handjob in exchange for her freedom.

Ofglen: How about a nice handjob?
Guard: Nah
Ofglen: This is so embarrassing.

Ofglen appears before an all-male Senate Task Force On Health Care court who sentence her to “redemption” for being gay. While Ofglen, who has two good ovaries, is allowed to survive, the Martha (cook) that she was in a relationship with is not so lucky. They sentence her to death and straight up hang her right in front of Ofglen.

But that’s not the worst shit that’s going to happen to good ol’ Offie-G. More on that later.

Flashback to a protest that looks a fuck ton like the Women’s March minus all the pink hats. It didn’t work. They should have made the hats. 

Cut to Offred getting her period and realizing that the free ice cream train has come to an end. She tells Serena Joy, who promptly loses it and locks Offred in a room.

But we don’t really have time to be upset about that because next we check in with Ofglen, where shit is approximately ten thousand times worse. How “worse” is it? Well… 

Are you ready?
Are you sitting down?
Do you have like, an ice pack nearby for your vag?
Here we go.

The bastards cut Ofglen’s clit off.

That’s right. The punishment for being gay is that they knock you out and destroy your platinum vagine.

You know, I’m starting to think this Gilead place is pretty fucked up.