Catch up on last week’s Bachelor recap here!
We’re at week 3 of The Bachelor, and I’m already losing my patience for Arie and his feminine hand gestures. There’s something about the way his fingers, like, flutter around a girl’s face before he moves in to kiss her that makes me want to fling myself into oncoming traffic, ya know? Whatever. I guess I’ll just have to cope make a drinking game out of it. Anyway, shall we get this shit show started?
Chris Harrison starts the episode by letting all the girls know that their time here is limited and that literally every single one of them is disposable. It’s v inspirational. Seriously, way to boost up morale, Chris!
THE GROUP DATE
Anyway, moving on to the group date. For today’s
public shaming group date, the girls spend the afternoon learning how to wrestle before they’re pitted against each other in a WWE-inspired fight wearing semi-erotic leotards purely for Arie’s entertainment. It’s fun to watch feminism eat itself.
Also, let me get this straight, ABC. You want these girls to humiliate themselves on national television and possibly risk bodily harm for someone who thinks he has more attitude than me in my MySpace profile picture?
Predictions for this group date: Bibiana beats the shit out of Krystal, Bibiana beats the shit out of Arie. Arie gets a least two boners watching Marikh and a random blond act out soft-core porn.
Okay, these instructors are straight-up terrifying. Their strategy for “toughening up” the girls is similar to Kate Sander’s strategy to make sure Lizzie McGuire never became an outfit repeater again. They pick apart the girls’ surface-level insecurities and then use those to mock them in front of the man they’re trying to impress, as well as the entire viewing audience at home. I support this.
WRESTLING INSTRUCTOR: Oh your name is Bibiana? Does your mom even know how to spell???
ALSO WRESTLING INSTRUCTOR:
I’m honestly not sure who would win a fight here. On the one hand, we have twentysomething wannabe Instagram models in the prime of their lives, but on the other hand, we have two seasoned professional wrestlers who have the added benefit of
menopause strength on their side. It’s really a tough call.
Bibiana and Raven’s friend immediately start crying in a corner because they can’t take a menopausal woman’s amateur insults. I’m honestly so disappointed in Tia. Raven came out night one and told everyone about how she beat the shit out of ex boyfriend with a shoe, so like, step your fucking game up.
RAVEN’S FRIEND: I’m so scared. I don’t want to make a fool of myself. First impressions are everything!!
ALSO RAVEN’S FRIEND:
OH SHIT THEY BROUGHT BACK KENNY. So ABC does read my hate mail. Good to know. Kenny comes out looking fine as hell. Maybe there’s something about not being in a toxic environment where producers instigate racist stereotypes that, like, really agrees with a person. Idk.
Jesus. ABC really has no fucking clue how to make Arie sexually appealing to women. In what I can only assume was some sort of last-ditch effort to make him seem masculine, they have Kenny kick the shit out of him.
THE GIRLS: Arie was just getting really banged up out there. It was horrible! I can’t believe Kenny did that to him!!
ALSO THE GIRLS: Hiiii Kenny
The cocktail portion of the evening commence,s and everyone is out for fucking blood as far as Krystal goes. She steals Arie away first and starts asking him if he likes it aggressive. I’m genuinely terrified of what this girl might do with him alone.
Next up, we have Baby Bekah. Arie asks her about her longest relationship and she mentions it lasted 2-3 years. What isn’t mentioned is how she had to dump him before she started her freshman year of college last year (I assume).
Ugh I’m so nauseated. The higher he runs that hand up her thigh the more I feel like I should call Bekah’s mother. Or Child Protective Services. Either/or.
Arie gives the rose to the girl he’s sponsoring in his Big Brother/Little Sister program. How sweet. Meanwhile, Krystal looks like she’s about to beat the shit out of Bekah. She’s like “I guess I need to step up my game and
dry hump him on the couch be more aggressive.” And it’s like, no, girl you’re already doing A LOT.
Back at the house, Krystal keeps talking about about how girls always hate her. She mentions her bff from 8th grade who she thought was stealing her boyfriend in the same breath as she discusses how much she’s struggled in life. K.
KRYSTAL: I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me, but I can’t help that I’m popular.
THE ONE-ON-ONE DATE
The one-on-one date goes to Lauren S., and I’ve legit never seen this girl in my life. My immediate thoughts about her are: you’re pretty but you should be cut immediately for wearing those sneakers with that dress. Just saying.
Arie takes Lauren off to wine country, and I’m glad he understands that if he thinks he’s going to have a fighting chance with this bitch then he needs to get her drunk first. It’s important to know yourself.
They keep talking about how they go to bed at 10pm and both wear cardigans when they get chilled, and I can’t decide if they would be better suited as bingo partners instead of life partners.
I hate this about myself already but…I might…actually like Lauren S.? She seems genuine, plus she’s age-appropriate and seems like she enjoys missionary sex with the lights off. She’s perfect for Arie!
Anddd just like that, the illusion is shattered. God, does this girl ever shut the fuck up? Arie—and all of America—now knows everything about her last breakup, her family dynamics, and all the feelings she had when she graduated college 10 years ago in minute detail.
I guess Arie hates when people talk as much as I do, because he immediately sends her home the second she pauses in her monologue to get some air. BYE.
THE SECOND GROUP DATE
The second group date involves puppies and tbh it’s the most strategic thing Arie has done all season. What better way to make a girl love you than to shove cute, Instagrammable dogs in her face for an afternoon?
So Annaliese hates dogs. Annaliese, you can go shave your back now.
Okay, how “almost” is this “I almost lost my eye” story? I want to see hospital records, Annaliese.
The girls have to spend the afternoon training dogs and then put those skills to the test at a live dog show. I’m watching these girls and all I can think is, I’ve had better luck wrangling my drunk friend at 3am after Jäger bombs than these girls are having disciplining these dogs. This crowd def deserves their money back.
Arie immediately pulls Chelsea aside during the cocktail portion of the evening. I feel like he really likes making out with Chelsea for some reason. Interesting.
Arie is 1,000 percent not into Annaliese. She’s like, trying to jump his bones and Arie is just like “this room is neat though.” You know it’s not looking good for the girl if her dress is slit down to her navel and he’s still waiting for “the right time” to make out with her. HER DRESS IS SLIT TO HER NAVEL. That’s always the right time to make out.
THE ROSE CEREMONY
HAHA oh this is fucking priceless. Lauren B. inadvertently steals Bibiana’s romantic set-up for Arie. She’s acting like having a producer set up a daybed by the pool for the two of them is some huge romantic gesture. You know what’s more of a romantic gesture, Bibi? Maybe, like, actually speaking words to him? Idk?
Arie asks Bekah if she’s actually interested in marriage, which is basically a way for him to low-key ask if it’s legal to marry her without her parents’ consent. That was v v smooth, Arie.
Tia keeps talking about how well Arie knows her and it’s just like, girl all he did was Google “redneck stereotypes” and then have his producer bring a hay barrel over. Come on. He doesn’t know you, he just knows a Trump supporter.
Annaliese is dead-set on kissing Arie tonight, and her optimism is making me cringe.
ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF ANNALISE AND ARIE’S CONVERSATION RN:
God, I’m so embarrassed for this girl rn. It’s so hard to watch. *turns up volume*
I’m watching Jenna—who is clearly wasted—straddle Arie and dry hump him by the pool 3.5 seconds after pulling him aside, and all I can think is “that’s the same strategy I use at last call.” Kudos, betch.
For a girl who is terrified of everything, Annaliese continues to seek out her worst fear, which is getting dumped on national television. She heads over to Arie for a second time that evening, because the first time was about as pleasant as having your nails ripped from your nail bed. God, just let him cut you with the rest of the group! Come on!
Final tally for last night’s episode: Lauren S., Annaliese, Bibiana all get sent home. I’m mildly shocked that Bibiana didn’t break a camera with her fist during an exit interview, but whatever, there’s always hope that next week a girl slips into a rage blackout after being dumped by a man whose business card includes the words “former” and “race car driver” in it. Things to look forward to, I guess.
Did you know we have a podcast dedicated just to The Bachelor? Listen to The Betchelor podcast here!
Catch up on this week’s Bachelor recap here!
Watching The Bachelor, especially a season premiere, is basically an exercise in competitive judging—and this week was no exception. While I learned relatively little about human yawn Bachelor Arie Luyendyk Jr., other than the fact he
likes underage women drives race cars, I learned a whole lot by judging the shit out of every woman’s hometown video, outfit, and general demeanor. While the contestants may have bigger boobs and smaller vocabularies than the people you hang out with, every girl you love to hate on this show is definitely a KIND of girl you know in real life. Here’s a rundown of the types of people in your friend group, as represented by Bachelor contestants.
Chelsea: The “Work Hard Play Hard” Friend
Chelsea is the friend you always kind of wish you could cut out of your life, but you know your life would be much more sedentary if she weren’t around to drag your ass to SoulCycle or bully you into dancing on yet another table. Somehow, “chill nights in” never seem to happen to this person: she’s always working, working out, or pounding shots, and she does all three with the same super intense vibe of someone who’s GETTING SHIT DONE. She’s kind of inspirational but honestly exhausting.
Maquel: The Flirty Friend
You would be more jealous of this friend for her endless confidence, but her ability to do just about anything without getting embarrassed is way too fun to give up. Even though you silently judge at least 50% of her choices, she’s super fun to go out with because she gives no fucks and her primary goal in life is to have a good time.
Tia: The Shy Friend
Tia is sweet, but Tia is tragic. Her jokes are both unfunny and overly sexual, and she seems like someone who’s spent her whole life trying to break out of crushes on guys who think of her as a baby sister. She laughs a little too hard at everyone’s jokes and has never approached a guy in her life, but she’d hold your hair back and call you an Uber with the least bitching out of all your friends, so it’s a toss-up.
Bekah M.: The Hipster Half-Friend
Bekah M. is often insufferable, but too much of a threat to be ignored. For whatever reason, she’s not satisfied with just being hot and needs to also pose as some variation of an artist/intellectual/Great Explorer of Life who’s way too cool for the “petty drama” of you being pissed when she’s consistently four hours late. Bekah M. is the most likely of your friends to pretend to smoke weed, or say she “doesn’t play games” with guys, while being a literal psychopath. Since she’s both unreliable and insufferably faux-earnest, it’s kind of hard to be too close to Bekah—but you became friends because she’s ultimately a cool girl who’s just way too into herself (aren’t we all).
Bibiana: The Wild Card
Bibiana is the kind of girl who “falls in love” at least once a week and seems totally naïve, but also has a dark side. She comes off as being totally open and friendly (she just has a lot of feelings!) but she’s also confident AF and would probably beat someone up for you. Basically, she may seem a little bubbly/vulnerable, but you definitely shouldn’t mess with Bibiana.
All done? Good. Pick the one most like your BFF and spend the rest of this season mocking her for all the dumb shit her doppelgänger does—preferably from six inches away over wine, as
ABC God intended.
Did you know we have a podcast dedicated to all things The Bachelor? Listen to The Betchelor Podcast here!