If you’re one of the two people in the world who doesn’t hate Arie Luyendyk Jr. with a fiery burning passion, I’ve got some exciting news for you. This summer, you can go on vacation with Arie and Lauren, and Maquel will be there too, because why the fuck not. The trip in question is a 6 day, 5 night stay in Bocas Del Toro, Panama, and a spot can be yours for just $1,499. Let’s analyze what this money gets you, and whether it’s worth suffering through for the better part of a week in the company of Arie, the human equivalent of elevator music, and a racist.
The company putting on the trip is called Adventure Hunt, and from their website, it looks like most of their trips are actual treasure hunts. As in, you pay to go on the trip, and then they literally plan Amazing Race style challenges for you. I’m sorry, but if I’m spending my hard-earned money to go somewhere with a beach, I will be parking my ass on the beach. Don’t give me shit to do, that’s not what vacation is for. The Arie and Lauren trip isn’t like this, because I guess getting to hang with Arie is enough of a prize by itself. Ew.
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In the six days in paradise (not that kind), the scheduled activities include a zip-line tour, scuba diving, and cave exploration. They say that in the cave, you can “see hundreds, even thousands of bats,” which, while horrendous, still might be better than a one-on-one date with Arie. Every day of adventure is capped off with a group dinner. I love that. JK. I’m sorry, but I’m not dropping $1,500 so I can go hang out with a bunch of strangers who actually think Arie and Lauren are a fun couple. Fuck this mess of a trip.
While it’s easy to say that having to be in the same room with Arie is the worst part of this vacation, it gets worse. For $1,500, this shit isn’t even close to all-inclusive. You’re responsible for your own flights and transportation, and it doesn’t stop there. Other than the aforementioned group dinners, there’s no food provided, and you also have to pay for all beverages besides water. Like, pardon me? Am I supposed to call an Uber to take me to the local Panama liquor store so I can be sufficiently buzzed before my first time meeting Arie and Lauren? There are also 50 spots open for the trip, meaning that you’ll be stuck on this godforsaken trip with FORTY-NINE OTHER PEOPLE. I’m sorry, you’re telling me I’m paying a cool grand and a half for this shit, and I don’t even get to hang out with Arie and Lauren alone? This sounds like the fucking worst group date ever.
Imagine Scary Island from season three of RHONY, but boring and with Arie there. You do not want to go on this trip. Buuuut if you do, please get Maquel wasted so she’ll tell you trashy stories about Arie and Lauren and her first marriage, and then let us know. Also, Arie, Lauren, and Maquel haven’t even mentioned the trip on their Instagrams, so how do we even know this is legit? I feel like this is one of those “subject to change” things, where Arie will probably sign up for some race car thing the same week and have to pull out last minute. Actually, it might be better if he didn’t come. Meanwhile, someone please plan a trip with Bekah M. and Kendall and all of our favorites, so we can actually have something to look forward to. Oh, and one more time before I go, fuck Arie.
Images: adventurehunt.co / Instagram; Giphy
Buckle up, y’all, because I’m about to expose
the depths of my own depravity something pretty damn juicy about one of the ladies competing for Arie’s Instagram following heart on The Bachelor. Spoilers ahead, obviously, so close out now if you don’t want to know what happens. You’re all about to witness the strength of street knowledge, the fortitude of Facebook stalking, the reason they call me Sgt. Olivia Betchson. And by “they call me,” I mean “I made this pseudonym up for myself back in 2014,” but tomayto tomahto.
All right, so I’ve been hearing whispers for a while now that Maquel has an ex-husband. So I Googled “Maquel ex-husband” (pretty sure there’s only one Maquel in the universe) and found out from an In Touch Weekly article that his name is Josh Munday, allegedly. From Josh Munday to Bachelor Monday—good job, Maquel. Sidenote: Do I have to say he is “allegedly” her ex-husband? I guess I should know the rules if I’m really going to call myself a Sergeant. Whatever. So I then searched “Josh Munday” on Google, and I found his Facebook pretty fucking easily. Almost too easily. Somebody give me a challenge, please! Fake Facebook names. Private profile. Anything!
There’s a lot to unpack in this profile, and it is JUICY. So grab some popcorn, because we’re diving in.
First of all, there is literally no question that Maquel and this guy Josh were married. There are photos from their wedding, and he refers to her in the caption as “my wife”.
BUT HERE’S WHERE IT GETS INTERESTING. On October 9, 2016, Josh changed his profile picture to one of him and Maquel at their wedding.
But then, less than a month later on November 6, 2016, he changed it to one of just himself. And it doesn’t even look like it’s a solo pic from his wedding album, because he’s wearing a different tie and his jacket is a different color. You know when people change their profile pictures to one of them and their S.O. to one of just them? When they break up.
So did Maquel and Josh’s marriage implode in less than a month? Not exactly (sorry). According to In Touch, Josh and Maquel got married in May but divorced five months later. So like, they may not have even stayed married long enough for the wedding photos to come out. Ouch, but it happens. Especially when you get married at age 23. What? You were thinking it!
But here’s where things get VERY interesting, in my opinion. I know I’ve kept saying that throughout the course of the article, but stay with me here. Josh told In Touch that he would “not be opposed” to getting back together with Maquel. Furthermore, look at his current relationship status on Facebook.
LOOK AT IT.
So are Josh and Maquel still married? Or is Josh one of those sentimental people who leaves their relationship status up on Facebook in the hopes that their ex will come back to them at some point? Probably the latter, but still. In fact, I did find a divorce record (however reliable, I cannot say) of a Josh Munday, age 25, in Orem, Utah, so I don’t think I can say that they are still married. Still, I can all but definitively conclude that Josh will be the guy we saw in the season preview who ambushes Arie to try to get his ex back.
Images: Josh Munday / Facebook