It’s basically summer, which means that you’ll be wearing sandals and taking pictures holding fruity drinks in the air like, all of the time for the next few months. You should probably stock up on some summer nail polish so you’re not rocking a ratchet chipped mani or pedi. And yes, you should probably also buy some even if your nail girl is currently the most solid relationship in your life. I don’t really have a reason for this, I just feel like having lots of nail polish is generally important. Here are a few shades you should def get for summer, so you’re not permanently rocking that Lincoln Park After Dark your mom slipped into your Christmas stocking last year.
1. Essie Topless & Barefoot
Besides the fact that this totally sounds like the name of a trashy country song, Essie Topless and Barefoot is the most popular nail polish on Pinterest at the moment. Say what you want about the Pinterest bitches and their chevron-covered boards; if there’s one thing they know, it’s nail polish.
2. Ciaté Mani Marker
This shit is literally amazing. Remember that one emo girl in middle school who always “painted” her nails with highlighter? Well obviously, she got a boujee job in product development at Ciaté London and came up with this genius idea. Why have we even been painting our nails with brushes for all these years? Are we cavemen? Markers are obviously the move.
3. OPI Fiji Nail Lacquer Collection
Even if you’re not into painting your own nails (I mean, is anyone actually into having their dominant hand look like you let a child try to paint it for you? Besides those girls who are always like “I’m actually so good at painting my own nails.” Congratulations, did I ask?), I’d highly advise at least rooting through this collection at Ulta for Instagram caption inspiration. Do You Sea What I Sea? and Exotic Birds Don’t Tweet are def the strongest contenders.
4. NAILS INC. NAILKALE Illuminator
This nail polish has everything. (If you didn’t read that in Stefan’s voice from SNL, you have some serious soul searching to do.) Anyway, it’s basically a highlighter for your nails, and I know you’re obsessed with highlighter because like, the number one question asked by drunk girls in bathrooms is “Oh my godddddd what highliiiighter is thattt?!”
5. NCLA 7 Free Pressed Nail Lacquer Low Cal-So Cal-Red
The description for this nail polish sounds like a long-ass caption from a health and fitness blogger, so I’ll save you the pain and sum it up for you. Basically, this nail polish was designed to act as a juice cleanse… but for your nails? I don’t know, I totally don’t get it. But if painting my nails red means I’m kind of participating in a detox without actually have to do anything, I’m down. This is a perfect out for those of you (me) who didn’t do anything to get ready for bikini season, and aren’t really trying to make any significant moves, either.
In case you missed it, there hasn’t been a snowstorm in New York in at least two weeks which means spring is finally fucking here. Ah, springtime. A time of year that signifies rebirth, hope, and thirsty bitches subtly emailing their boyfriends their ring size and Pinterest password. Which means it’s almost time for me to engage in my favorite pastime: judging the fuck out of people’s engagement photos. I would rank my tolerance for engagement photos somewhere around where I rank my standards for fuckboys on dating apps. So, pretty fucking low. And because I have ESPN or something I can almost immediately tell you the theme of your wedding based off of the manicure you choose to flaunt in your engagement announcement on Instagram.
It’s true that the most important moment of your life is not when your BF proposes to you (sorry, bro), but rather the moment you debut your ring on Instagram. That moment is huge and, whether you realize it or not, the type of manicure you have while showing off your ring speaks VOLUMES about you and your wedding. So because I want to put you in your place I care about you and your wedding, here are 6 manicures that say a fuck ton about your wedding theme, and therefore, basic level:
1. Millennial Pink: Hipster Barn Wedding
I’m not sure when we started referring to pastel pink as “millennial” but I’m almost certain it’s around the same time that hipsters started referring to rustic as “chic.” You already know how we feel about the hipster barn wedding theme, and your nail color is about as original as the mason jars that are sure to be included in your wedding decoration budget. Choosing this color is a safe bet and while your friends won’t be shitting on you in their group chat, they will most certainly be rolling their eyes as they scroll through your feed.
2. Red: Destination Wedding
This person probably thinks they’re fun and spontaneous and the bikini selfies saturating their Instagram feed certainly are proof of that theory. They probably chose this color because Taylor Swift, a personal hero of theirs, is constantly sending subliminal messages singing about this color. It makes them feel bold and empowered and soooo fun. Which is why they are life ruiners and choose a destination wedding to celebrate their union to the poor guy that’s about to spend the rest of his life as his wife’s Instagram photographer.
3. Not Your French Manicure: Vintage Themed Wedding
This is the person in your friend group who is extra AF. They’re always trying to be new and different and edgy when really they’re just grown women wearing body glitter aka Unicorn Snot and calling it fashion. I usually object to 90% of their life choices and sporting a manicure like this ranks right up there with that one time they bought a shirt that said “Bushwick” on it for $40 from Urban Outfitters despite the fact that they live on the north shore of Long Island. They will try and reinvent the wheel aka hipster barn weddings. Instead of rustic chic they’ll use the term “vintage” and refer to themselves as “old souls” in their vows. Lol, K. Like, you forget I’ve seen strange men take shots off your body to a Miley Cyrus song on spring break. You’re fooling no one, Karen.
4. Black Manicure: Black Tie Wedding
A true betch knows that black is the color of her soul and coincidentally every item of clothing in her wardrobe. While some people might doubt black as a bridal color, you know that these people understand nothing about taste and are about to get sat at the shitty reception table with your least liked sorority sister and your fiancé’s weird friend from grade school. Like, of fucking course you’re going to be wearing your favorite color during the most important photo moment of your life. Black is timeless and so will be your wedding. While everyone else is Googling “unique wedding themes” yours will be chic, tasteful, and most importantly, fancy enough to make all of your other married friends jealous. Mazel Tov.
5. Accent Nail—Ridiculous Themed Wedding
TBH I’m not even sure what to say about this. Like, is this you announcing your engagement or a cry for help? I’m assuming that the only reason you would get this extra with your manicure is because you’re trying to hide that fact that you’re about to marry the one night stand that turned into your boyfriend of six years. I’m also assuming that your fiancé is the type of guy that “lets” you carry all of the groceries to the car and still Snaps his ex girlfriend on the side. You’ve really found yourself a winner, Vanessa.
Anyway, the type of person who’s doing this much with her manicure is also the type of person that’s going to piss me off and do some sort of themed wedding. I’m picturing something Disney related—anything to distract their guests from noticing that the groom isn’t captivated by the enchanting room decor but rather is checking out the maid of honor’s cleavage.
6. Rose Gold: Romantic Basic Wedding
This one’s for all my basic bitches out there—you know who you are. I don’t need a crystal ball to determine that your ring is a princess cut and you’ll be rocking a mermaid dress on your big day. Your bridesmaids will all be wearing some form of blush and/or sequined gowns that you swore to them they’d be able to wear again but instead will just taunt them, hanging in their closets as a constant reminder of the day they served you stood by your side. While on the one hand, I’ve seen your wedding done 1,000 times before, I can also appreciate you owning your basicness.
