Okay, I’m sure I’m going to watch tonight’s episode and find out some further heart-wrenching news about the circumstances of this character’s death (oh, spoilers BTW), but I have to go ahead and say it: I just don’t think Jack Pearson of This is Us is such a great guy. Don’t believe me? Good! I look forward to proving you wrong.
Let’s start with the pilot, in which Jack’s fuckery is mercifully limited to a single scene (somehow, I’m not referring to his kidnapping a newborn, but you kind of have to roll with that to watch this show at all). No, I’m referring to the little speech he gives over Rebecca’s extremely pregnant stomach when their doctor tries to gently warn them of the VERY REAL potential complications of giving birth to triplets. Jack not only cuts him off, possibly preventing his wife from hearing some vital medical advice, he then goes on to firmly announce that they will be bringing home THREE BABIES NO MATTER WHAT, because Mr. Architect Jack here has already purchased THREE WHOLE CRIBS and GUESS HOW MANY BABIES YOU NEED TO FILL THREE CRIBS??? (It’s three, you need three babies, because Jack is incorrectly not counting himself as the biggest baby of all). While the sentiment “I’d prefer to have all my children living” is not inherently a bad one, I can’t imagine that what you want right before giving birth is your husband screaming over your crotch like a deranged football coach about a process over which he has absolutely no control. But yeah, no pressure, Bec! Do the hardest thing in the world perfectly three times or just don’t bother coming home, yeah?
Dr. K: I am going to do my best to help you through this complicated medical process.
Jack: PHOEBE DID IT ON FRIENDS NO PROBLEM
For the next few episodes, his Jack-assery (GET IT? K, that’s my one dad joke) is a little more typical TV dad stuff: dabbling with alcoholism, setting up his daughter for some deep-seated daddy issues, and generally gaslighting his overworked wife.
Rebecca: I don’t want our child to be bullied.
Jack: Kate go put on a shirt, your mom thinks you’re fat!!!
But around episode 5, we hit a new peak in my hatred for Jack: we find out that Rebecca, who literally spawned this entire TV show from her womb, DIDN’T EVEN WANT CHILDREN. Not at all, in fact! However, this is no roadblock that Jack can’t solve by publicly berating his wife and punching a stranger in the face, which somehow ends in some bathroom floor baby-making. (Side note: In all their years of married life, have they really just been using condoms every time? Or did we skip a scene where Jack digs around and rips out Rebecca’s IUD?) Meanwhile, we continue seeing how well Jack’s forcibly knocking her up is going for Rebecca a few years down the road: She’s exactly the anxious, lonely housewife she had no interest in being, even while loving her children fiercely and being a wonderful mother. Meanwhile, Jack tries on a brooding face and seems to expect a trophy for not sleeping with his secretary. Aces.
Since I’m getting kind of emotionally exhausted here, and I need to save myself for today’s episode, I’ll speed things up: Jack continues neglecting his wife, drinking too much, and making up weird chants and traditions to ensure his children will be ostracized for life, including a three-mile hike and fake cheese on the best eating day of the year (why God). He continues drinking, throws a shit fit whenever Rebecca leaves the house, and is finally revealed to have been planning the robbery of a bar before Rebecca’s angelic presence saved him. In present day, Jack drunkenly operates more motor vehicles, punches another guy, and further embarrasses his wife.
Rebecca: You would literally be dead in the street were it not for me.
Jack: How bout less talking and more babies from you, eh?
All in all, Jack may rock some decent facial hair and have the sappy speech thing down, but he’s really no different from every other shitty family drama father character we’ve seen. He has a very specific vision of how his life should go, and he has no intention of letting
his wife’s consent and human limitations anything get in his way. So, he makes some very selfish decisions that aren’t his to make and shames the lovely Mandy Moore at numerous turns for not being satisfied and on board for every second down the journey of “Jack’s Master Plan Which Does Not Require Your Approval.” Sorry, but no matter how much his children worship him like a cult leader, I’m not getting on board. #TeamMiguel out.
This year was the 69th Primetime Emmy Awards and if you think I’m not going to take this opportunity to LOL like a 13-year-old boy at the number 69 and talk shit about the red carpet looks, you probably stumbled upon this website by mistake. Everyone knows that actually watching the Emmys is kind of pointless, because we’re all just going to root for the one show we’ve actually watched (why isn’t there a Housewives category? So rude) and then be disappointed when some more serious, adult-y show wins instead. Anyway, let’s rip some outfits apart—and, I guess, give credit to the ones that weren’s heinous.
The only possible explanation for this dress is that Mandy wants people to make memes of her. Which like, I get, because normally she’s perfect and there’d be no reason to turn her into a meme. I’m sure there are going to be some diehard fashion betches who will try to defend this Carolina Herrera gown, but there’s nothing you could tell me that will see this dress as anything but a lampshade.
Samantha Bee actually looks pretty fantastic, but my brain accidentally made the connection that this dress looks like it’s straight out of Princess Fiona’s closet and now that’s all I can think about so… sorry, I guess.
You know that picture you’ve had saved on your Halloween Pinterest board since 2014 of that girl dressed like a piñata that you thought was totally doable and creative? But like, you never actually tried to make the costume because you’re too lazy to do anything besides throw on some cat ears and a bodycon dress? Well, this Christian Dior gown is that costume. Generally speaking, if I can hear a dress just by looking at a photo of it, it’s a no from me.
Sarah Hyland is totally that betch who runs to Starbucks the second Pumpkin Spice Lattes are released just for the Instagram. Like, we get it. Fall is awesome. No need to rock a dress that looks like it was made from the same material that every kindergarten teacher uses for their back to school bulletin boards. Her abs look dope though. PM me your workout.
I’m confused. I think this is the same dress my mom wore to my bat mitzvah? I think I see a gown that I could potentially be super into, but it’s underneath a fugly cape so I’m not totally sure.
Evan Rachel Wood
Don’t get me wrong, I love a good pantsuit as much as the next girl. But I feel like Evan Rachel Wood’s Jeremy Scott ensemble was going for “Hillary Clinton at the third presidential debate” but ended up at “cater waiter”. Like yes, I would love a bacon-wrapped scallop, thank you, but that’s not the point.
Millie Bobby Brown
If there’s one person who hit the Emmys red carpet that can do no wrong, it’s Millie Bobby Brown. I know that she’s only 13, but she’s already basically a fashion icon. Like, when nobody else has their shit together, MBB rolls up in the cutest Calvin Klein dress of all time and puts the world to shame. She might not have won to break the record for youngest Emmy winner ever, but she’s prob the youngest HBIC I’ve ever seen.
If there are two things I feel the most “eh” about in this world, it’s green dresses and Shailene Woodley. Except, for some reason, I’m loving Shailene Woodley in this green dress. I’m not sure if I’m so into this look because I actually like it, or if it has something to do with homegirl literally showing up to the Primetime Emmys in a messy ponytail and being like “yeah I don’t even own a TV.” Giving zero fucks looks good on you, Woodley.
It’s nearly impossible to wear Balmain without looking like a Kardashian/Jenner wannabe, but Priyanka looks so amazing in this gown that I momentarily forgot that the Kardashians even exist. It’s almost like I feel as though I shouldn’t compliment anyone else’s look because obviously it’s not as perfect as Priyanka’s.
I’m still really salty that Jessica Lange isn’t on this season of American Horror Story, so I’m going to throw her on this list to give her a little face time. Jessica Lange is one of those people who makes you feel stupid for complaining about how bad your hangovers are at age 25, because she’s literally the same age as your grandmother and still slays in Gucci whenever she feels like it. But like, not sure what’s going on with that stray arm, though—she’s just like, dangling it out there in almost all of her pictures. Google it if you don’t believe me. Jessica, pls advise.