Lace Shorts For Men Are The Latest Trend In Douchebag Fashion

Remember a few days ago when you felt personally victimized by RompHims? Well we have some bad news, because there’s a new pastel product in town: lace shorts for men. They come in five different colors, and yes, we were also triggered after “lace.” They were first advertised through an Instagram account named Sparkie Baby Official, which tells you pretty much everything you need to know about how legit and high quality they are, if the built-in belts didn’t already give that away.

Judging by the long white socks on the models, the shorts are clearly intended for bros. The more we think about it, maybe we should have seen this coming. Like, how different really are lace shorts from the bright pink Vineyard Vines shit we’ve been told were “fratty” for years? Is this not just an even better outfit for an entire pledge class to wear while shouting homophobic slurs at each other? They’re wearing the lace as a JOKE, guys. It’s not like they wear it underneath their clothes everyday!

Male Lace Shorts

All jokes about repressed sexuality aside, these are extremely concerning from a utility standpoint. The only material is some shitty lace and heinous white…briefs? Are those included with the shorts? There is literally no chance they’re covering ANYTHING, and if any guy is dumb enough to buy these he’s also probably too dumb to realize he’s flashing everyone and the FB tags will not be kind to him.

TBH, I’m pretty sure the only reason anyone is discussing these shorts is because of the guy in green. He is taking bubble butt to a whole new level and if he doesn’t have a modeling agent yet, I would like to step forward and offer my services because I think we could really go places. First stop: remove the tats. Next stop: Calvin Klein.

What will be next in douchebag fashion? We can’t be certain, but the thought is pretty terrifying at this point. We never thought we’d miss the days of Lacoste polos, ugh.

The Male Romper Is The Fuckboy Uniform Of Summer 2017

I’ve put up with a lot of shit from the male species over the years. For example, finding out that the person I’ve been Snapchat committed to all winter long proudly wears Chubbies in the summer. Or depriving myself of real happiness by actively not trying to set fire to everything a fuckboy loves when he disappears off the face of the earth after five months of dating. You know, that kind of thing. And yet I still show up to play the game on Bumble every fucking week. *takes slow, calming breath* But there are just some things I will not get behind and one of those things is RompHims. Brace yourselves, ladies, because this just in: male rompers are happening and we’ve officially hit rock bottom.

Who is responsible for this abomination, you may ask? As per usual, douchebags in pastels are to blame for this, as well as my trust issues. Apparently a group of bros “were sitting around drinking beers one evening” and came up with the idea for grown men to buy and wear rompers. To absolutely no one’s surprise, it turns out that all four of the co-founders have yet to graduate business school and this whole idea was some sort of group project gone awry.

— Desmond (@TheeDMC) May 15, 2017

 

Tbh that information is less alarming than this promotional video they made:

 

Oh, for fuck’s sake. I sincerely hope season two of 13 Reasons Why addresses this v important issue because RompHims def deserves a tape.

Okay, can we be serious for a second. Do we really think that if a guy wore this to a bar he’d get laid?

DO WE?? I want to say the answer to that question is a hard no, but I’m amazed at what I’ll do women will do when they’re white girl wasted. Literally. Though in all honesty, if some 19-year-old lacrosse player douchebag wore this shit to Houston Hall it could be a game changer.

Also, do men not realize that rompers are sabotage in its purest form when you’re out at bars? It’s all fun and beautiful Instagram pictures until you break your seal and almost publicly wet yourself trying to Houdini your way out of that shit. I mean, guys still have difficulty taking off my bra during foreplay so, like, good fucking luck with the romper, fellas.

That being said, the creators of this monstrosity do promise that unlike rompers designed for women, RompHims are “pee friendly.”  Great, because the world wasn’t already pee friendly enough for men. And if that doesn’t symbolize that the patriarchy is real and thriving then Idk what does. 

To make matters worse, these douchebags have already raised over $135,000 because apparently anyone can make a Kickstarter campaign these days. So basically the threat of this actually happening is very, very real. Just to put things in perspective here, that’s more money than was raised to save Raquel from a lifetime of servitude making cheese pasta. WHERE IS THE HUMANITY??

Idk about you, but I’m feeling very personally victimized rn. Like, when will the men be stopped?? What do they want to take from us next? Stay tuned for tomorrow’s story on men’s tampons.