Hi everyone! I’m a straight guy who’s probably a lot like the guy you’re texting/hooking up with. The Betches have asked me to break down things openly and honestly so you don’t have to have that guy lie to your face. I’ve broken down The Bachelorette contestants. And dating apps so grab that phone, go take a poop (don’t worry, I won’t tell) and enjoy The Betches’ next question of the male mind…
What do guys think of one piece bathing suits? We feel like there are a lot of varieties to choose from/elaborate on (especially the basic Sunny Co Clothing one). Thoughts?
We love the one piece because it’s a TBT for our penis. You look like a 1920s pinup. It’s like getting in a time machine and being able to talk to a girl after we get home from defeating the Japanese. And during times like these, where there’s less opportunities to feel “manly,” the chance to maybe have sex with a Marilyn Monroe lookalike while draped in the American flag doesn’t sound half bad.
But it honestly goes a little deeper than that. The two piece was great for its time. Before the internet seeing a girl in a two piece was a big deal. You could get the idea of her naked without having to ask her dad for her hand in marriage. Hell, we used to have something called “The Spank Bank” where we would store all of our memories of girls in two piece bathing suits and then we’d go masturbate with our eyes closed. Today, it’s a different ball game. There’s naked women all over the internet. There’s Instagram models in every size, shape, and color. So seeing you almost naked and then imagining it later isn’t really necessary. The one piece actually accentuates the body in a way the two piece can’t. There could be a lower cut top or a higher waisted bottom that could literally make you look like the hourglass that every penis is naturally fond of because of that whole buzzkill called childbirth. But ya, the one piece is having its time and it’s because, again, all guys are disgusting animals. So let’s break down the types:
1. The Basic Sunny Co Clothing One
So, this is the one piece that went viral over Instagram and annoyed everyone and made you lose followers and almost ruined your life because you’re used to getting over 50 likes and now it’s hovering around 40 and you can’t complain to your dad because he’d wonder why he paid for college. Ya… it’s that one piece.
As for what guys think? Well the front is fine but I’ve never had a guy nudge me over this cut of suit. That’s really the guy test—would my buddy nudge me because I’d have to see? And for this one, the only way I’d get nudged is if a girl was sitting by the pool with her back facing me like the viral picture. The low cut on the back is intriguing but really only from THAT specific angle. Whoever started that viral campaign is like a Jedi-level boner whisperer.
So it’s nice but really no movement for guys either way unless you sit in one spot at the pool in a specific pose the whole day. Not exactly a stretch for a gender that rips hair from their genitals, but still.
2. The Graphic Slogan One Piece
Ok, we love these suits. I actually just looked at a girl on Instagram wearing this exact suit and sent the link to three friends (you think I’m exaggerating but I’m not). The reasons? Side boob and time. What do I mean? Well, these suits look like they’re supposed to cover everything up. They look like they wrap around your whole body and then you take a left and BOOM, a part of the body we never knew would get us hard. I’m sure that’s the cut of the suit and it’s meant to be that way but we don’t know that. It’s almost like you went to the store and said, “I’ll get the skimpier one so Jared can see what I’m working with.” Or that your boobs grew a size just for this specific day at the beach. The writing on the front gives us an extra half second to look. Since it says something we have the extra layer of defense as to why we are staring, “Oh it says ‘throwing shade’ LOL” is what I’ll say if I ever feel like I’ve given myself away.
3. The Lace-Up One Piece
We like these suits. We like them for specific events. For the side boob one piece above, that has plausible deniability. If you wore it around our parents, mom would be like, “Oooh she’s stylish” and dad would be like, “Oh it says ‘throwing shade’ LOL.” The suits with all the tassels and straps and the ties up the middle of the boob like this one offers none of that. These are straight-up sex in a suit. So we love them for a Vegas pool party, on vacation at a resort with friends, spring break, and doing meth under the boardwalk. It’s a very specific suit that never says, “Have me over to your next family BBQ.”
4. The Cut-Out Monokini
We aren’t a fan of these ones. It’s trying to be both the one piece and the two piece at the same time. Choose a road, ladies. It looks like you put on a two piece and realized you didn’t lose the winter weight, so you jumped on the sewing machine and added an extra piece of cloth running down your stomach. It also has to fit just right. If you get wet and that extra piece of cloth is just flopping around it kind of looks like a tent that’s missing a tentpole. So, ya, pick a lane. Choose the one piece lane. Guys will think you’ll look like the (Hiroshima sized) bomb.
We can all agree that men know nothing about fashion, food, travel, or truly anything. Let’s be clear, I am a man—a super gay man, yes—but I know about straight guy stuff because I unfortunately know many of them. Even grew up with several.
Recently I overheard a straight guy named Randy (I can’t even) say “Huh, that look cool,” in regards to a woman’s flawless ombre that she most definitely paid millions for, as he tucked his football back into his pants and grunted about classic rock. I looked at the floor shaking my head, my own freshly dyed faux-gray hair falling into my eyes. Most men simply don’t get it, and yet their opinions are considered “important,” what with them essentially
ruining running our entire government and making decisions for us and all that fun stuff. It’s insane bullshit, but until the day we completely dismantle the patriarchy it’s important to take time to see things from everyone’s point of view. Or so I am told by straight white men.
I spent many years pretending I was a straight man, acting indifferent towards any and all fashion trends so people wouldn’t find out my secrets of being gay and also fashionable, because society drives it into our heads that those things go hand in hand and that we shouldn’t express them. Which is why I asked some aforementioned straight men what they thought about the hottest summer trends. Here’s what they had to say:
1. Denim Skirts
Let’s begin by talking about the elephant in the room. Summer is approaching more rapidly than global warming can destroy us, and denim skirts are coming back faster than Beyoncé’s body after she had Blue Ivy.
Personally, I fucking hate denim skirts. Nothing says “I shop mostly at strip malls upstate” like a denim skirt. Even the high fashion ones you can get for hundreds of dollars in Soho look like they could be Faded Glory by Walmart. The opinion of the straight male, however, seems to skew very different. Straight guys love denim skirts. They live for them, in fact. You want the attention of a fuckboy? Slap on a denim skirt from Forever 21, a little mascara and a band T-shirt you’ve never actually listened to/cared about and the fuckboys will come crawling out of the woodwork like pretentious termites. Take Sean from Maine, for example, who said, “Denim skirts are okay. They’re pretty hot I guess. Like, in the summer I like them.” I didn’t have time to punch Sean from Maine in the face and also he is my brother’s friend so instead I mentally clocked him as a fuckboy and moved on.
2. Starbucks’ Unicorn Frappuccino
Speaking of things that are insane, let’s discuss Starbucks’ Unicorn Frappucino. It’s only here for a very brief time and I think we all need to thank whatever God we pray to that they go away as fast as they came. They’re literally all sugar and food coloring and Starbucks’ baristas hate making them. If I was ever interested in a dude and he ordered a fucking Unicorn Frappucino, I would probably wait for it to come out and then throw it in his face. If a straight guy thinks it’s cute or charming that you want a Unicorn Frappucino then he’s an idiot, or very possibly a pedophile, and you should ghost him immediately—and I’ll add we should all ghost the Unicorn Frappucino. To get a straight guy to comment on a Unicorn Frappucino they’d have to admit that they’ve had one, which would make them maybe seem gay to their friends at the gym, so you’ll have to just trust me on this one.
“What’s underboob?” Dan, a bartender in Brooklyn asks while pretending to be stressed about making me a vodka martini. After showing him my go-to underboob picture from Kylie Jenner’s Instagram, he changes his tune. “Ohh, yeah, yeah…I like that. I like underboob.” So complex, the male species is.
So that brings me to underboob. Of course fucking sicko straight dudes love underboob, but the thing is…so do I?!? If it’s done tastefully it can be shocking and exciting and even high fashion. Celebs everywhere are doing it, from Lady Gaga to Gigi Hadid. Women have been showing top boob for centuries, and side boob for the last three years or so, so why not show off the bottom? It exudes confidence and when I see it I automatically think that the woman showing it off is not to be messed with. I mean, Beyoncé and Nicki Minaj have been doing it for years, so it’s truly insane that it’s taken this long to really catch on. Plus, now you can show off that tattoo you got on your rib cage when you were 18 that you never want your mom to see.
4. Pink Eyeshadow
Hot. Pink. Eyeshadow. It was very popular at the Met Gala, with celebs from Jennifer Connelly to Selena Gomez sporting the attention-getter with no apologies. I’m very into it. I think it makes the eyes pop while sending a subtle message of “I’m confident and I’m better than you, which may be due in part to the Adderall I just railed,” which is always the message I try to send. Straight men tend to shy away from a bold eye or a bold lip—or a bold personality, for that matter—but I’m here for it. My friend’s boyfriend Ian said, “What’s eyeshadow?” After I convinced him that knowing what eyeshadow is doesn’t make him gay, he finally admitted that he knew what it was and also that he didn’t like it. See? They’re timid about very bold makeup choices as it may draw attention from other men and you may end up leaving them for someone more confident. Men and peacocks essentially think the same way.
5. Center Parts
Center-parted hair is back and sort of becoming classic, at least if Mariska Hargitay’s hairstyle on this season of Law & Order: SVU is any indication. The center part has never really gone away, and with Kim K sporting one at the Met Gala last week, it’s sure to be popular this summer. Center parts are…fine. My personal taste is a little…flashier…but if you’re heading to the beach or to a house party and you don’t have a lot of time to get ready, then yes, by all means go with the center part. Fuckboys love a center part because it’s not too flashy and they think they’re deep for being into a girl that looks high fashion. As I explain this article to a friend, her boyfriend who we’ll call Straight Eric mentions he likes center parts because it makes girls seem seem smart and sophisticated. While I can’t disagree, I am surprised he knows what the word sophisticated means.
To wrap up, I’d like to say that only one opinion matters and that’s yours. Fashion trends wouldn’t happen if someone wasn’t the first person to slap on hot pink eyeshadow, or reveal underboob. Where would we as a society be without the brave trailblazer who thought “maybe I’ll part my hair…but in the middle?!” There’s no excuse for the Unicorn Frappucino, but hopefully this summer has some other fun food trends in store for us, preferably ones that won’t give you immediate health issues related to high insulin levels.
The takeaway I hope you learn from this is all men are insecure and you should never change your makeup or wardrobe or anything about you at all based on their preference. (Unless they’re like…Ralph Lauren. Then maybe listen to his fashion advice.)