Male Birth Control Is Coming So Tell Your Boyfriend To Set An Alarm

The time has finally come. At last, I have been assigned to write about the prospects of male birth control. My body is ready. THE MALE BODY IS READY. *queues up “It’s Raining Men”*

Scientists have been working on male birth control for years, and a new study shows that there is a very promising pill in the making. Much like the birth control pill for women, it’s a capsule that you take once a day and it miraculously – or I guess scientifically – makes your reproductive bits an anti-baby zone. The pill is called DMAU, which is v fitting because that sounds like the name of some shitty male DJ who wants you to come check out his set at Club Catastrophe. Anyway, the pill reduces levels of testosterone that are needed to produce sperm. I feel like most men would hear the phrase “reduces levels of testosterone” and immediately start flexing/crying, but the study shows that of the 83 men who tested the pill, none of them endured troubling symptoms. I repeat, no troubling symptoms. The first time I took the pill I gained 30 pounds and couldn’t take a shower without crying, so it looks like as per-fucking-usual, this is going to be easier for men.

Researchers plan to launch a three month clinical study on men taking DMAU. If that goes well, they’ll then test it with couples. The question is: can men be trusted to responsibly take the pill? As soon as I typed out the words “can men be trusted” my visceral reaction was “NOPE.” However, it’s time for men to take responsibility here, and we need to urge them to do so. Everything can’t fall on women. We’re tired. It’s your turn, bros. Also, taking a pill is not hard. You literally just…take it. But then again, I once had to teach my ex how to make scrambled eggs.

As Arthi Thirumalai, an endocrinologist at the University of Washington Medical Center put it,“It’s hard to solve a problem when you essentially exclude half the world’s population from doing anything about it.” Put that on a plaque and hang it on every man’s wall.

This is all very exciting and I look forward to seeing men’s alarms go off in public when it’s time for them to take their birth control. That’s it for now. Wake me up when IUD’s for men are a thing, and Republicans are suddenly pro-reproductive rights.

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Male Birth Control Works On Monkeys & May Soon Work On Fuckboys Too

Gotta love modern medicine. According to a new study, a new form of male contraceptive has been successfully trialed on a group of 16 monkeys and prevented pregnancies for over two years of testing.

The new contraceptive—aka male birth control—is like a vasectomy, but less invasive. No snipping, if you will. The scientists injected the monkeys with a gel called “Vaselgel” that blocks sperm from escaping the body. Plus, it’s a 100% reversible procedure, although Michael Scott will still tell you it’s not altogether pleasant. 

The male monkeys were each given the injection and released to live with all the little birdies female monkeys for an entire two year breeding season. TBH, this is more information than I’ve ever wanted to know about the monkey reproductive cycle. Anyway, these monkeys were fucking chilling and didn’t get any of these single, independent female monkeys pregnant even with all that casual sex on the reg.

Before you go throwing your birth control away, Vaselgel hasn’t been tested on humans (yet). But it’s now been trialed successfully on monkeys and rabbits with no side effects and no pregnancies, so it sounds like the greatest fucking gift to mankind ever. The makers of the gel, the Parsemus Foundation, are testing on humans next and anticipate releasing the treatment on the market next year. This mean’s we’re one step closer to to turning the tables on that fuckboy so we can ask “are you on the gel?” before he tries to get it in.