It’s a given that there’s a huge difference in your alcohol tolerance and the severity of your hangover since you first started stealing from your parent’s liquor stash. As a teen, your liver was a champ, making you feel invincible the next morning. Fast forward to being 20-something, and you’re probs black out after like, one shot. The idea of opening your eyes the next day seems unthinkable unless you have an IV of water injected into your bloodstream. I wish this was an exaggeration but, I know this is def the story of your life because like, same. That fourth shot of Fireball always sounds like a phenom’ idea until you’re hating yourself after waking up next to cold pizza in last night’s outfit and forgetting every Snapchat you sent to your Tinder guy. What’s worse is rebelliously drinking on a weekday because karma is a bitch the next day, you still have to go to fucking work. Although you don’t have the capability and energy to do a full face of makeup when you’re hungover AF, there’s no way you’re leaving the house with it. Here’s how to look like a rockstar just by doing the bare minimum so you can be appear like a functioning member of society.
Water, Advil, And Primer (In That Order)
In order to even get out of bed, you’re going to need to chug a shit ton of water because your brain needs it more than you rn. Pop a couple of Advils and let’s just focus on getting through the day without voming on everyone who crosses your path. Now that you’re standing in front of the mirror and trying not to make eye contact with your own reflection, you’re going to need to start with the Too Faced Hangover Replenishing Face Primer. Since Too Faced just gets us, this primer is literally made to repair our face from alcohol’s damage. Infused with coconut water, the primer will restore your skin’s shine and hydration so you don’t feel and look like paper mâché.
Use Under-Eye Concealer
You’re ready to begin looking like the upstanding citizen you are. It’s like we just know you or something because luckily, we’ve already compiled the best under-eye concealers that cost less than the organic salad you eat for lunch everyday. Pick your choice and use generously so you don’t look like you’ve aged 20 years overnight. Seriously, use it or you’ll probs look like this:
Rub A BB Cream All Over
We want to skip any powder-based makeup because you don’t want your skin to dry out more than it already has. The Diorskin Nude BB Creme is just what you need for minimal coverage that hydrates and covers any blemishes you got overnight since you def passed out with your makeup on (again). Find the shade that’s right for your skin tone, because discoloration is not cute, and apply to areas that need the most TLC. Blend with a liquid foundation brush instead of your finger to ensure your bullshit of a makeup job doesn’t look worse than what we started with.
Get A Contour Stick
To keep it quick and easy, lightly contour using the v convenient Wander Beauty On-The-Glow Bronzer and Illuminator. The nausea isn’t going to disappear right away but you can at least fix how pale you look. Assuming you know how to contour only because I don’t feel like explaining tbh, use the matte bronzer that’s best for your skin tone in the hollow of your cheekbones, on your forehead, and sides of your nose. This will restore some of your natural glow. Finish with the attached highlighter on the areas that always seem to get oily first—the center of your forehead, bridge of your nose, chin, and upper cheeks. Blend seamlessly using a beautyblender. Common sense, right? By this point, you should start looking like a person again.
Swipe Some Eyeshadow And Layer Up On Mascara
Hide last night’s smokey eye with just a tad of eyeshadow. Find a color that’s neutral or nude so that it comes off as natural-looking instead of clownlike. You’ll want to line your inner eye with the same color so you look ten times more awake than you really feel. Then layer on the best mascara ever, bareMinerals Flawless Definition Mascara, for long volumized lashes. Without mascara, none of this is really worth it, so apply as many coats as you need to feel functional.
Lastly, all you need is some chapstick and your fave nude lip gloss before heading out the door. Don’t forget to wear sunglasses all day, even inside is somewhat acceptable for obvious reasons, and everyone will know not to speak to you. This was fun, though so, while you telling yourself that you’re never drinking again, until next time this weekend, betch.
READ: The Best Workouts To Do If You’re Hungover
I’ve been hating myself this week because I may have had a whole bottle a glass or two of wine, got carried away (as usual), and then fell asleep. I woke up to Netflix not only asking if I was still watching Friends, but I also woke up looking flawless like a goddamn raccoon because I (obviously) didn’t take off my makeup.
TBH, this happens more often not. After a long day of adulting or a long night of too many vodka sodas, all I feel like doing is (maybe) taking off my bra and sleeping until the next century, so remembering to take my makeup off is obviously out of the question. I know sleeping with makeup on is, like, considered the worst crime ever, but guess what: we’ve all fucking done it. I know you’ve been casually seeing that guy on the reg, but there’s no way in hell you’ve let him see your face without a full contour. We’re all guilty of doing it from time to time and attempting to rock “The Last Night Look” the next day, because the truth of the matter is, we’re all lazy AF. We barely have the energy to send a text back as it is, so here’s to saying “fuck it” with these beauty products that won’t destroy your face for long, lazy nights.
BareMinerals Original Foundation Broad Spectrum SPF 15
The worst payback of sleeping with makeup on is how badly you can break out afterwards. Like, okay, face. I fucked up. You don’t need to be so dramatic. This foundation is v light, so your pores will be able to breathe all through the night if you start to doze off. It provides long-lasting coverage and UVA protection in case you happen to catch some z’s under the sun too.
Jouer Cosmetics Cheek Tint
Find a blush made of natural hydrating ingredients that will give your face the perfect flush overnight. The tint can be used with the swipe of your finger, similar to how you’d use your dating app of choice. Although it has great blendability, the creamy texture is also oil-free and lightweight enough that it won’t irritate your skin.
Yves Saint Laurent Touche Éclat Radiance Perfecting Pen
This highlighting pen is basically the wand your fairy godmother would use if that shit were real. You can use this to highlight your fave features without looking like you haphazardly threw glitter on your face. It not only gives your face a healthy, natural glow, but when applied to targeted areas, it smoothes out your makeup, reducing mascara flakes, fading eyeliner, and smudged lipstick for a long night out. Bippity, boppity, boo, betch.
Milk Makeup Oil Lip Stain
Wearing a bold lip out to the club is fun and all—until you’re too fucked up to remember to wash your face. If you haven’t already experienced this (which I highly doubt), you know your face ends up looking like you have a questionable STD. To wear a bold lip without the hot mess, opt for a stain without a gloss finish so it doesn’t smear while you sleep. You can reapply whenever your little heart desires so your lips stay poppin’.
Charlotte Tilbury Rock ‘N’ Kohl Eyeliner Pencil
Some eyeliner is better than no eyeliner, whether you can wing it or not. This eyeliner pencil was literally made for a “bedroom” sultry, smoky look that makes you feel like Beyoncé when you wake up. It stays put for more than 12 hours, which means you won’t be looking like a raccoon (aka me) when you toss and turn all night.
Clinique Lash Power Mascara Long-Wearing Formula
Sleeping with mascara on is only slightly acceptable if you find one with a formula similar to this. It should not only be waterproof, but it should be smudge-proof as well. This mascara is made to last through the gross shit (i.e. sweat, humidity, rain…etc.) for literally a whole day. Your pillowcase will be saved and you won’t rip your eyelashes out one by one in your sleep.
Summer is upon us, which means it’s time to start watching everyone live their best lives on Instagram. A favorite pastime of mine. Tbh I low-key stalk Instagram thots year-round; summer is just the season that’s coming up currently. I’m also intrigued by the batty AF trends people will try out during fall, winter, spring, Coachella, and Ariel Winter’s weekly cry for help. Basically I just watch a scary amount of Instagram stories. It’s v healthy. That being said, my newest obsession is following beauty bloggers on Instagram aka the people that make me want to like the unicorn trend. *shudders* But there’s a lot of basics out there rn claiming they’re beauty “influencers” when really they’re girls with an iPhone and a MAC palette. Which is why I’ve put together this comprehensive list of beauty bloggers you need to follow, like, right now.
1. @mayramnyc
There’s two reasons to follow MaryamNYC: one, she’s a sorceress when it comes to eye makeup tutorials and she is the reason I don’t leave the house looking like a street urchin (most) mornings. The second reason you should follow her is because she’s self-taught. As in, no one taught her shit about makeup she just, like, knows how to do it. I’ll just let that sink in for a moment. I stand by my earlier sorceress comment.
2. @jamescharles
Ugh I hate when boys are prettier than me. For those of you who’ve been productive members of society living under a rock, James Charles was the first male ambassador for CoverGirl and he’s only 17. SEVENTEEN. When I was 17 I was wearing chunky belts from Wet Seal, meanwhile this kid is on fucking billboards in Times Square. But that’s neither here nor there. I suggest following him if you want to feel bad about your wasted youth.
3. @styledbyhrush
When this bitch isn’t slaying at beauty, her side hustle is being a permanent member of the Kardashian/Jenner glam squad. So, respect. Idk what intrigues me more about her account, wanting to know all her beauty secrets—like how tf she gets her cheekbones to look that good—or if she knows wtf actually happened at Kourtney Kardashian’s bday party. So. Many. Questions.
4. @makeupshayla
We’ve mentioned this betch before because her feed is legit Coachella goals and she’s getting an honorable mention from me again because dammit I cannot stop looking at this girl and all her glittery boho vibes. Keep doing you, boo.
5. @chrisspy
It could be the pink hair or the pouty selfies that I’m sure only have 50% to do with makeup, but this girl is giving me some strong Kylie Jenner vibes rn. But instead of, like, whispering incoherent shit in her Snap story, this girl is actually helpful. Her YouTube videos are v instructive, plus she’s got a brand with Urban Decay so you know she knows her shit.
6. @thegabrielzamora
Once again, another man who has better cheekbones than me. *internally screams* Though he’s new to the beauty world, this kid is kicking ass and working with some top beauty brands like MAC Cosmetics and Michelle Phan’s Ipsy. Plus he’s seriously making be want to dye my hair electric blue so that’s where I’m at rn.
K, I’m just going to go backwards stalk myself now to see where it all went wrong for my blossoming career as an Instagram beauty blogger. Though if I had to pick a moment in time it would probs be the year my mother forced me to get bangs. Just saying.
It’s Friday, which means I’ll be binge drinking coffee until it’s socially acceptable to switch to wine. Honestly, by the time Friday rolls around I’m literally exhausted. I’ve worked, like, five days in a row and my will to live is about as thin as my coworker’s eyebrows rn. Like, for god’s sake Belinda HELP YOURSELF, I BEG OF YOU. So, yeah, I’ve been V busy this week and really need a nap and/or a vodka soda stat.
And you can guaran-fucking-tee that when 5 o’clock hits it’ll be like a scene out of Cinderella happening in my office. Think bippity boppity boo but more ho. It’s taken me years to perfect the day-to-night beauty look that frequents both my Instagram story and the 3-6 guys I Snapchat between the hours of 9pm and 3am. I feel the only person who can properly convey this transition is Kelly Kapoor aka my #OfficeBFFGoals:
^^^Actual footage of me at 4:59pm
^^^And at 5:01pm
Miracles happen every day Friday, people. And that miracle can happen for you too, so listen up because here are some basic beauty hacks that will take your look from Pam Beesly to Kelly Kapoor before you can say “I’d like to start a tab, please”:
1. Extend Your Eyeliner
Because nothing says “let’s get fucked up” like the girl who walks into a bar rocking a full-on cat eye. This is one of the easiest ways to take your look from “acceptable to be out in public” to “no paparazzi please.” Give yourself an edgier vibe by lining the inner rim and going ham with your mascara.
2. Get Bold With Your Lip Color
I’d like to be clear here, getting bold with your lip color does not mean copying a look you saw on any type of social media story by one of Hollywood’s thirstiest teen stars (looking at you, Ariel Winter). If you do this and I see you at happy hour it will not look good for you on my Snapchat story. That being said, I’m not going to assume what type of Friday night plans you have but I am going to say that your lip game does tell a story. Don’t let that story say “desperate to look like Kylie Jenner.”
3. Invest In Dry Shampoo
A good dry shampoo actually saves lives and why Sephora hasn’t picked up that tagline yet I will never understand. First, it acts as an oil absorber, which we all know you need because you 100% skipped that shower this morning in favor of an extra 15 minutes sleep. And, like, same girl. But the true magic of a dry shampoo is the extra volume it gives your hair. A few spritzes and your hair is showing more life than Nick Viall’s dancing career.
4. Use Blotting Paper
People don’t just wake up looking fresh-faced, there’s actually a whole lot of shit they put on top of their real face to appear “fresh.” And oil-blotting paper is key to that process. Throughout the day your face builds up more oil than a dollar slice and, trust me, no one wants to see that shit at the bar. Swipe an oil-blotting paper like Mac’s Blot Film a few times across your face for a flawless finish that even the fuckboys on your Snap rotation can’t miss.
5. Make Mascara The Real MVP
This one is pretty basic, but then again I’ve also had to spell out why you can’t just dye the roots of your hair all the colors of the rainbow because the internet tells you to, so I guess I’ll spell this one out for you too. Volumizing mascara is a V important part of my smize game and is an essential part of my office to happy hour ho transformation. Be sure to use a long-lasting, smudge resistant mascara to keep your eyes looking beautiful and vibrant even after those four vodka sodas.
Read: The best long-lasting lipsticks that will stay on through all the ratchet shit you do this weekend
Recently, a video of beauty vlogger Esther Gbudje posted a makeup tutorial in which she applied her foundation with a hard boiled egg and I guess our question is…why? I mean, I get wanting to save $20 on what ultimately amounts to an interestingly shaped sponge, and in the age of Pinterest, far be it from me to stop anyone’s attempt at a DIY project, but an egg? Really? Hard boiled eggs, traditionally, are not the best smelling things, so rubbing one all of your face seems dicey at best. Also like, why waste an egg? They’re the perfect low-cal, protein-packed snack, all of which is wasted if you cover it in blush. There are starving models in Milan who would love to eat that egg right now. Maybe one of them would be willing to trade you for their beauty blender. Just a thought.
And sure, the egg appears to work pretty well, given the fact that it’s a fucking hard boiled egg, but still…why rub an egg on your face? Like, I get using egg whites in a face mask or whatever, but you’re telling me I should rub a slippery ass, freshly peeled egg, all over my face for…beauty?
A resounding “nah” to that.
And here’s the thing—this egg video is not the first time the internet has tried to replace a normal beauty blender with some weird bullshit. Here are 5 other DIY beauty blenders that need to stop, like, now:
1. A Sock
So that’s where all my fucking socks have gone. Crazy people are stealing them to up their makeup game. Seriously, if I am ever getting ready with one of my besties and she pulls out some crusty-ass sock and starts rubbing it on her face, I’m having her committed. Sorry Katie, you’re a ward of the state now. Get your shit together and maybe we’ll see you back in normal society soon.
2. Bra inserts
Okay first of all, bra inserts cost like $40 so I don’t really see how this is saving you any money. Like, not only is it weird for you to rub a silicone boob on your face, but there isn’t even a financial gain attached. Bras are fucking expensive! Do you really want to risk ruining your favorite undergarment by getting them low-key covered in blush? It makes no sense.
3. A Condom
Nope. No. No thank you. That’s gonna be a hard pass. Seriously. Just look at the thumbnail of this video. It’s horrible. If I saw someone using this in public, I would call the police. Hello 911, we have a literal psycho in our midst. Also, wouldn’t this get lube on your face? Who tf wants to get lube on their face? Unless you’re into that kind of thing. Which is fine. Just, as a general rule, it’s best to keep your sex life separate from your makeup routine. No need to get those wires crossed.
4. A Tomato
Again—why waste a perfectly good tomato? It’s like, you could have had a yummy snack that makes you look healthy AF, but instead you’re a literal lunatic stuck in her room rubbing fruit on her face. Just seems unnecessary.
5. A Pancake
Okay now this is just plain ridiculous. Are you seriously telling me that you would rather COOK PANCAKES every time you want to do your makeup, than just bite the bullet and buy a fucking beauty blender? There are knock-offs on amazon for like $2 that work just fucking fine. You’re telling me that I’m gonna have to do a full-on Great British Bake Off anytime I want to go out? No way. All this method would do is lead to a major increase in the amount of pancakes I eat, which sound both delicious and carb-heavy. I’m sorry, but I just can’t take that risk. I have a summer body to maintain.
You would think that slapping orange and bright red blush on your cheeks would be a surefire way to make yourself look like a clown, but by some makeup miracle, there are many weird blush colors out there that actually don’t look heinous on your skin. In fact, some colors that you would instinctually throw across the room and set fire to before you would put them on your face, actually look pretty when they are applied. As long as you know which ones to get. Let the following be your guide.
1. Copper
Copper blush is like the halfway point between bronzer and blush. Apply something like NYX’s Copper powder blush on the apples of your cheeks and on your temples to look like you weren’t scowling in a cubicle all week and actually got outside.
2. Lilac
If you’re fair-skinned, lilac will show up on your skin as a kind of cool-toned pale pink. It can make you look instantly icy/rude, and for that it’s great. MAC Blush in Sketch should do the trick.
3. Plum
If you’re tanner (jealous), plums and deep magentas will have the same effect mentioned above. Blush Subtil by Lancôme in Plum Charm works like yeah, a motherfucking charm.
4. Orange
Orange hues tend to warm up your complexion the same way getting a lot of sun, or wearing the correct bronzer, does. Clinique Cheek Pop Blush in Melon Pop has the most annoying name you may ever hear, but the vibrance and life it brings to your otherwise sad and dull face helps you forget that fact.
5. Red
Red blush can go from 0 to WTF real quick, but if you use a small amount and remain light-handed, it can give you the most natural, didn’t-even-try-hard color. Try Exhibit A Blush by Nars, but just make sure to use a large brush when applying—unless you want to appear sunburned, and in that case, you do you (but stay away from me).
