Prepping for Halloween can be very stressful and tedious, which is probably why we avoid all Party City’s and Spirits until like, October 30th. Not only do we have to plan the perfect slutty costume and carefully map out which bars we’re hitting up, but we also have to take our Halloween makeup into consideration. Do we really want to watch YouTube tutorials until the end of time on how to apply fake lashes? No. And do we actually want to risk running around in public with half a skeleton face? Um, way too much fucking work for a night I’m trying not to remember. In effort to make both your life and Halloween planning a little easier, I’ve picked the perfect DIY makeup inspo to go with your basic slutty Halloween costume. These are easy enough to do without wasting hours of drinking time and require like, the minimal amount of effort possible.
1. Pennywise/‘It’ Clown
Like you, I also thought everyone was over the creepy pedophile clown hysteria, but thanks to Stephen fucking King (no, really, thanks a lot, asshole), we’ll be seeing a ton of clowns this Halloween just waiting to scare the shit out of us. If you’re into making this “sexy clown” trend a thing, the makeup is super simple. First, find a deep cherry red eyeshadow to shade your eyes with, especially underneath your waterline. Wing the fuck out of your blackest liquid eyeliner (duh) and put on like, 20 layers of bomb mascara. Lastly, with a dark reddish lip color like MAC’s Retro Matte Liquid Lipcolour in carnivorous (how fitting) or Betches x Winky Lux Happy Pill, rub on your lips, shade in your nose, and draw a massive U on your face, pointing the tips above your eyes.
2. A Mouse, Fucking Duh
Since your definition of a costume is obviously our totally fetch I’m A Mouse Duh Oversized T-Shirt Dress, your commitment to going above and beyond this Halloween is def slim to none. We’re like, way too cool to be zombie ex-wives anyway. Instead of wearing a dramatic costume, you can totes go big on your makeup for a major wow effect. For the perfect makeup to go along with your animal ears, use a combo of a shimmery light gray, matte gray, and black eyeshadow for a killer smokey eye. Be sure to use a super light color for the inner eye and line in black liquid liner. After mascara, prep your lips in a bold black or an equally dark alternative like the Betches x Winky Lux Crazy Pill that won’t potentially drive away any chances of hooking up with someone. With a fine tip, give yourself a cute nose and small whiskers.
3. A Thotty Snapchat Filter
If you overuse the basic Snapchat filter too much for your own good, you may as well wear it out on the one night you can actually get away with doing so. Whether you’re aiming for the puppy, cat, or deer, the animal faces are literally so easy to replicate. Unfortunately, you will have to get some dreaded face paint, but it’s so minimal that you won’t make your face look like a 5-year-old’s arts project. After concealer and foundation, create some sort of upside down crescent on your forehead. Lightly shade brown paint in, creating a blended look and use the same shade to apply barely-there circles on your cheeks. On your forehead, give yourself some white freckles and to finish, shade your nose in black. For your lips, go with something a little more natural looking like the Betches x Winky Lux Chill Pill. Go forth and thot, Bambi.
4. Wonder Woman
Wonder Woman is the baddest bitch of them all (after Bey, ofc) and she’s a princess too, so that only makes her a million times better. No wonder why we’re all trying to be slutty versions of her and appear as though we know one fucking thing about comics this Halloween. Pop art is surprisingly easy AF to do on yourself, so all you’ll need is a good set of falsies, black and white liquid liners, gold and maroon eyeshadows, and Kylie’s Mary Jo K lip kit. If I’m being blunt, you’re outlining all of the areas where you’d potentially want Botox done in black liquid liner. In white, accentuate the areas that really draw attention (inner eye, nose, and mouth). Create a golden ombre eye and add a fab true red lip.
This one looks the most difficult, but I assure you it’s not. It just involves wearing fishnet tights over your head. Casual. For a glittery mermaid look, you’ll need a pair of fishnets to throw over your head for like, fish scales and shit. While wearing, brush lavender powder along your forehead and cheekbones. OK, now remove the tights. Highlight your eyebrow arches, cheeks, and nose with sparkly shit to really make them pop. Shade your eyes in a dark pale pink shadow and wear your best fake lashes. Feel free to dot your face randomly with small gems and lastly, apply the chic limited edition Betches x Winky Lux Chill Pill matte lipstick. Plus, it comes with a galactic glittery lip balm that you never knew you needed for this holiday’s shit show.
I’ve been hating myself this week because I may have had
a whole bottle a glass or two of wine, got carried away (as usual), and then fell asleep. I woke up to Netflix not only asking if I was still watching Friends, but I also woke up looking flawless like a goddamn raccoon because I (obviously) didn’t take off my makeup.
TBH, this happens more often not. After a long day of adulting or a long night of too many vodka sodas, all I feel like doing is (maybe) taking off my bra and sleeping until the next century, so remembering to take my makeup off is obviously out of the question. I know sleeping with makeup on is, like, considered the worst crime ever, but guess what: we’ve all fucking done it. I know you’ve been casually seeing that guy on the reg, but there’s no way in hell you’ve let him see your face without a full contour. We’re all guilty of doing it from time to time and attempting to rock “The Last Night Look” the next day, because the truth of the matter is, we’re all lazy AF. We barely have the energy to send a text back as it is, so here’s to saying “fuck it” with these beauty products that won’t destroy your face for long, lazy nights.
BareMinerals Original Foundation Broad Spectrum SPF 15
The worst payback of sleeping with makeup on is how badly you can break out afterwards. Like, okay, face. I fucked up. You don’t need to be so dramatic. This foundation is v light, so your pores will be able to breathe all through the night if you start to doze off. It provides long-lasting coverage and UVA protection in case you happen to catch some z’s under the sun too.
Jouer Cosmetics Cheek Tint
Find a blush made of natural hydrating ingredients that will give your face the perfect flush overnight. The tint can be used with the swipe of your finger, similar to how you’d use your dating app of choice. Although it has great blendability, the creamy texture is also oil-free and lightweight enough that it won’t irritate your skin.
Yves Saint Laurent Touche Éclat Radiance Perfecting Pen
This highlighting pen is basically the wand your fairy godmother would use if that shit were real. You can use this to highlight your fave features without looking like you haphazardly threw glitter on your face. It not only gives your face a healthy, natural glow, but when applied to targeted areas, it smoothes out your makeup, reducing mascara flakes, fading eyeliner, and smudged lipstick for a long night out. Bippity, boppity, boo, betch.
Milk Makeup Oil Lip Stain
Wearing a bold lip out to the club is fun and all—until you’re too fucked up to remember to wash your face. If you haven’t already experienced this (which I highly doubt), you know your face ends up looking like you have a questionable STD. To wear a bold lip without the hot mess, opt for a stain without a gloss finish so it doesn’t smear while you sleep. You can reapply whenever your little heart desires so your lips stay poppin’.
Charlotte Tilbury Rock ‘N’ Kohl Eyeliner Pencil
Some eyeliner is better than no eyeliner, whether you can wing it or not. This eyeliner pencil was literally made for a “bedroom” sultry, smoky look that makes you feel like Beyoncé when you wake up. It stays put for more than 12 hours, which means you won’t be looking like a raccoon (aka me) when you toss and turn all night.
Clinique Lash Power Mascara Long-Wearing Formula
Sleeping with mascara on is only slightly acceptable if you find one with a formula similar to this. It should not only be waterproof, but it should be smudge-proof as well. This mascara is made to last through the gross shit (i.e. sweat, humidity, rain…etc.) for literally a whole day. Your pillowcase will be saved and you won’t rip your eyelashes out one by one in your sleep.
Life is hard when you want to go to the beach looking like a Victoria’s Secret model without having to do anything at all. This would require a change in diet (i.e. no late-night pasta and
hourly weekly shots of vodka), which is something I’d like to say I want to do, but I don’t. It would mean putting on a ridiculous amount of makeup, where it would just become socially unacceptable to go to the beach at that point. No one wants to be that asshole who clearly is trying too hard to look good at a family beach. Everyone and their mother knows you look like a fucking idiot if you come to the beach with a fucking smokey eye. Like, please do so much less. Winged eyeliner says “I’m getting fucked up tonight,” not “I’m trying to get so tan that I start to look racially ambiguous”. A full contour is cool and all, but not worth getting an uneven tan over. You would think this is common sense, but apparently some people need a reminder. Ladies, it’s really times like these where the saying “less is more” is crucial to understand. If you want to pull off a convincing “I woke up like this” look with the most subtle makeup, here’s how:
1. Sheer Foundation
Obviously before you do anything with makeup, put some sunscreen on first. If you’re one of those lucky bitches who doesn’t have to wear foundation, don’t. If you must, though, use a powder-based or sheer foundation that enhances your natural glow. NARS Sheer Glow Foundation eliminates the appearance of dark spots, evens out your skin tone, and leaves a light, satin finish.
2. Beach-Inspired Contour Palette
Instead of having to find individual shades, Becca has done it right yet again. The limited edition Sunchaser Palette came just in time for summer 2017. The hues are inspired by a sun-kissed glow from a day at the beach. Lightly blush your cheeks to give the illusion that you may (or may not, no one has to know the truth) have burned your skin. Use a minimal amount of bronzer, but again, just a little. Remember, that’s the sun’s job. Finish off with a gorg shimmering highlighter to really step up your glow game.
3. Neutral Eyeshadow
We aren’t going to use any purples, blacks, or hot pinks because this isn’t a night at the club. Too Faced Natural Eyes Neutral Eyeshadow Palette has all the colors you need to pull off an effortless natural look. Start with a light nude, applying a slightly darker brown towards the outer edges of your eyes, and finish with a light shimmer towards your inner eye. Using a light shimmer will make your eyes look brighter and bigger. Although the girl next to you will assume your eyes don’t naturally glitter, the hot guy you flirt with won’t notice a thing (because he doesn’t even know what eye shadow is). That’s all that really matters, right?
4. Layers And Layers Of Mascara
Your not-so-natural-but-natural look means nothing if you don’t have the most volumizing waterproof mascara. Even if you’re slightly convinced you don’t have any lashes at all, the smallest ones are nothing the Lancôme Hypnôse Waterproof Mascara can’t fix. By like, the third coat (maybe four for good luck), your sultry lashes will be batting the lenses of your sunglasses in no time.
5. Lip Gloss
Instead of a lipstick, go for a gloss to keep your lips looking full, shimmery, and hydrated. Pick a color that lies in-between a nude and pale pink. Soap and Glory’s Sexy Mother Pucker Lip Gloss comes in a bunch of natural-looking colors, so there’s bound to be several you’ll fall in love with. It’s also lip plumping so you’ll achieve that pouty look guys love without having to go full Kylie.
Read: The Sexiest One Pieces That’ll Still Hide Your Winter Weight
In case the world wasn’t already going to shit, apparently now your makeup could be sabotaging your Instagram photos. So should I just step in front of a moving car now or?
So if you were hoping to be the next face of hair vitamins or laxative teas on Instagram then listen up betch, because here’s a full list of all the ways you’re fucking up your Instagram photos with your makeup choices. You’re welcome.
1. Over-Powdering And/Or Skipping Powder
Unless you are the next face of Maybelline, you need to powder your fucking face. But not, like, too much or your skin will look start to look flat and dull. Ew. To appear fresh-faced and like you didn’t just spend last night making work happy hour your bitch, only powder the t-zone area of your face, i.e. your nose, forehead, and chin.
2. Not Matching Your Base To Your Face Makeup
This is a rookie mistake that is only acceptable to make your freshman year of college and that one time in Miami you got too drunk by the pool and just said fuck it when you were getting ready to go out. THOSE ARE THE ONLY TIMES. Because even though you might think you look fine you fucking don’t. So for god’s sake, make sure you blend your foundation down your face, neck, and chest because no one wants to see that shit.
3. Doing The Most With Your Eyebrows
PSA: Those eyebrows that you spent an embarrassing amount of time sculpting this morning might make you look like Olivia Culpo up close, but from afar you look like you should be preforming at a drag brunch. For selfies and your Bumble profile picture stick to the opaque and overly sculpted look, but for group photos and, like, life maybe go with a fuller, fluffier brow.
4. Going Batshit With Your Highlighter
There is a fine line between “gorgeous glow” and “dear god you’re blinding my eyes with what’s happening on your cheekbones rn.” Too much highlighter can emphasize uneven texture and the size of your pores. Dab a cream highlighter like RMS Beauty Living Luminizer on the tops of your cheekbones, cupid’s bow, and inner tear ducts. Avoid at all costs the center of your cheek and forehead or I will fucking call you out for it.
5. Being Stingy With Your Mascara
Tbh I feel like this one is sort of elementary, but don’t be stingy with your mascara. Short, straight lashes can make the eyes look tired AF. Makeup artists suggest curling lashes for at least 30 seconds and then applying several coats of carbon black mascara to lock in the curl. Or you could just buy eyelash extensions like a fucking adult.
And, no, I’m not talking about your Bumble boyfriend who just fell off of the face of the earth after you used the term “monogamy” for the first time. I’m talking about the kind of ghosting where you’re in the club and it’s too dark to take a selfie so you turn on the flash and all of the sudden you look paler than Anne Hathaway at the beach. You can blame the SPF in your moisturizer/foundation for that. If you’re trying harder than a former Bachelor contestant to get likes on a photo, then maybe go for a foundation with a lower SPF rating. Or just use a weird Instagram filter to make you look “artsy.” Idk seems to be working for Kim Kardashian these days.
You would think that slapping orange and bright red blush on your cheeks would be a surefire way to make yourself look like a clown, but by some makeup miracle, there are many weird blush colors out there that actually don’t look heinous on your skin. In fact, some colors that you would instinctually throw across the room and set fire to before you would put them on your face, actually look pretty when they are applied. As long as you know which ones to get. Let the following be your guide.
Copper blush is like the halfway point between bronzer and blush. Apply something like NYX’s Copper powder blush on the apples of your cheeks and on your temples to look like you weren’t scowling in a cubicle all week and actually got outside.
If you’re fair-skinned, lilac will show up on your skin as a kind of cool-toned pale pink. It can make you look instantly icy/rude, and for that it’s great. MAC Blush in Sketch should do the trick.
If you’re tanner (jealous), plums and deep magentas will have the same effect mentioned above. Blush Subtil by Lancôme in Plum Charm works like yeah, a motherfucking charm.
Orange hues tend to warm up your complexion the same way getting a lot of sun, or wearing the correct bronzer, does. Clinique Cheek Pop Blush in Melon Pop has the most annoying name you may ever hear, but the vibrance and life it brings to your otherwise sad and dull face helps you forget that fact.
Red blush can go from 0 to WTF real quick, but if you use a small amount and remain light-handed, it can give you the most natural, didn’t-even-try-hard color. Try Exhibit A Blush by Nars, but just make sure to use a large brush when applying—unless you want to appear sunburned, and in that case, you do you (but stay away from me).