As someone who reads and writes about skincare on a daily basis, I find myself hitting something I call “skincare fatigue.” Just when I’d mastered toner (kind of), I start hearing about serums, retinol creams, and whatever the f*ck an “essence” is. Thankfully, the concept of day cream vs. night cream isn’t new to me—but actually using a different moisturizer for morning and evening is. I’d always kind of figured that “needing” two different moisturizers was just a way for companies to sell you more products. But three weeks in to my new regime, I’m sold. Here’s why.
Night Cream Needs Time To Sink In
The purchase that kicked off this whole venture is Tatcha’s Dewy Skin Cream, a moisturizer I feel confident in calling pure magic. From the moment I got my hands on all that silky lavender goodness, I loved it so much I wanted to take a bath in it. This moisturizer has brought my skin back to life after a night out, scared burgeoning pimples back into hiding, and—praise be—NOT activated my rosacea, which just about every other celeb-approved moisturizer does. (Looking at you, La Mer. I wanted so badly to love you.)
Now that my shameless Tatcha evangelizing is out of the way, on to the real point. Because I was so excited about this moisturizer, I was using it morning and night—and quickly realized my mistake. I have a four-step routine I stick to: cleanser, toner, treatment, moisturizer. Because the sun exists, and because my skin is so dry that sunscreen alone does not moisturize it, I have to follow up that four-step routine with an SPF cream in the morning—all before adding any makeup.
Now, anyone who’s tried to quickly apply five different face products and then add foundation on top will immediately see the problem here. My beloved Tatcha moisturizer is on the thicker side, which is perfect for my dry skin—but it takes a solid 15-20 minutes to be completely absorbed. That would be fine if it were my only morning skincare step, but I also have to give my toner and treatment steps 5-10 minutes each to sink in. That gets us up to 30 minutes on pre-make-up skincare, minimum. In my week of trying to use the Dewy Skin Cream as a day cream, I don’t think I managed to put foundation on once. Since I never had enough time to let the moisturizer sink in all the way, even my sunscreen was barely getting absorbed—which means I was going out looking like a greasy, white-tinged mess.
Note: Dewy Skin Cream isn’t advertised specifically as a night cream—there’s a different night cream from that product line—but that’s how it works best for me. As a rule, night creams will be thicker than day creams, and are formulated to moisturize while you sleep.
Me, waking up post-Tatcha moisturizer:
Day Cream Protects; Night Cream Repairs
Day cream, I learned, has one major job: to protect your face from the sun, so basically to contain as much SPF as you can stand. (For reference, I use SPF 46—do not come at me with your SPF 15 liquid foundation). Like I said before, I have a special breed of lizard skin that requires me to pair said SPF 46 lotion with a second day cream—but if you have the option of combining these steps, I strongly recommend you do. I love this one from Origins (so brightening), or this SPF 50 IT Cosmetics CC cream. (No, I don’t know what a CC cream is, and my head will explode if I research further.) I own this cream, and would refer to it as somewhere between light coverage foundation and tinted moisturizer.
Scott Disick knows what’s up, a sentence I never thought I’d utter.
If you are like me, and SPF products aren’t moisturizing enough on their own, I recommend a super lightweight cream that sinks in quickly. My personal fave for this is Cerave, which makes both a day cream and a night cream.
While day cream bears the brunt of sun protection, your night cream can and should have active ingredients too. We’ve already discussed the benefit of adding retinol to your daily routine, and 2019 is heading toward being the year of glycolic acid. These ingredients are both great, because they help speed up cell turnover, AKA get rid of the dead skin and bring in the new, better skin. Very scientific, I know. However, both of these ingredients also make your skin more sensitive to the sun. I can personally attest to this—this past December, I used a retinol oil and then went out for a day of skiing. Within 24 hours, I developed dark, rough patches of sunburn on my face like I’d never seen before, and they lasted well through New Year’s Eve. Happy 2019 to me!
So, while retinol and AHAs are a good addition to night creams, they should absolutely be avoided in your day creams. On the flip side, you’re welcome to put on SPF at night—but unless you’re sleeping at a campsite, I’m not sure why you would.
Ultimately, you could just say f*ck it and use the same lightweight moisturizer with zero active ingredients for both day and night (plus sunscreen, obv). But if you have skin that’s on the dryer side, I highly recommend investing in a thicker night cream—and not making the mistake I did of piling it on in the morning, too.
Images: Tatcha; Giphy (2)
The more reality TV I watch, the more I notice one, highly specific effect: I become obsessed with the relative lushness of my eyelashes. It doesn’t matter that reality stars openly discuss their extensions, falsies, or long-standing relationships with Latisse. Every time I see a new VPR cast member upload a selfie, then take a quick peek in my own front-facing mirror, I’m left disappointed. SO, I did what any self-obsessed part-time beauty blogger sane person would: sent some emails, booked some appointments, and tested out each lash treatment du jour for myself. In the past year, I’ve tried out lash extensions, lash tints, and lash lifts—here’s what I found out.
Lash Treatment #1: Lash Extensions
Lash extensions were the first treatment I wanted to try, mostly because I didn’t really know lash lifts and tints existed until a few months ago. I’ve gotten lash extensions three or four times now, and the best advice I can give is that the quality really, really varies by location—so do your f*cking research.
Pros: If you’re going to be on camera, or you just really live for a dramatic lash, then extensions are the way to go. If you’re the kind of person who wants to pretend their lashes are totally natural and not have anyone be able to tell: this treatment is not for you. It makes sense that this treatment has the most pronounced effect, since it’s the only one that actually gives you more lashes than you were born with, in addition to making them darker, longer, and thicker.
Cons: First of all, they’re expensive. Not to burst anyone’s bubble, but if you’re paying under $100 for a service, then the service they’re performing is likely very questionable. I also find the process fairly unpleasant, given that it’s up to two hours of someone repeatedly, if softly, jabbing your eyelid. I’ve also had some stinging reactions from the glue they use, but whatever, beauty is pain. The other downside I’d note is that my real lashes do seem distinctly droopier for a few weeks after the extensions come off. It could just be in comparison to how lush the extensions seemed, or it could be that my lashes are not quite as load-bearing as I hoped. Either way—once I started getting extensions, not having them seemed like a real bummer. And financially, constantly having them just isn’t an option.
Please enjoy this heavily filtered picture of me 3 hours post-extension treatment:
Lash Treatment #2: Lash Tint
For those of you who don’t know, a lash tint involves, well, tinting your lashes. Ideally to a darker shade, but I guess you could get weird with it if you wanted. I visited the Benefit Brow Bar back in February for a lash and brow tint, since I was in LA at the time and feeling intimidated by all the women marching out of hot yoga without mascara streaming down their cheeks. I’ll just discuss the lash aspect below, but I’d like to mention here that I also LOVED the brow tint—I usually stuck to a brow pencil that was similar to my natural shade, but I loved the added drama of going darker.
Pros: This is by far the most affordable service: at Benefit, it’s only $21. The process is also very easy and painless—you’re in and out in under 20 minutes. And it definitely works: I had jet-black lashes for the next 3-4 weeks.
Cons: Honestly, it just wasn’t a dramatic enough change for me to want to do it again. (Unlike the brow tint). I can see where this service would be useful if you have super-light lashes (looking at you, my blond and ginger friends), and color would give your eyes more of a pop. But unless your lashes are also naturally as curly and thick as you want them to be, I don’t know that it’ll fully replace your mascara routine. It also only lasts 3-4 weeks—as opposed to extensions and lifts, both of which should last at least 6 weeks.
I couldn’t find a picture of me post-lash tint that looks like anything, so here’s a video of Benefit’s tinted lash primer instead:
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Get ready to watch your lashes transform right before your eyes! They’re real! tinted lash primer is a mink brown shade so you can wear it alone during the daytime for a naturally lush lash look & layer they’re real! mascara on top at night for a bolder look! In stores 12/26! #reallashprimer
Lash Treatment #3: Lash Lift
Okay, admittedly the service I got at Lash Loft is both a lift and a tint—so I can’t really speak to what it would look like if my lashes were only “lifted.” Lash Loft uses a Keratin-based treatment that “turns lashes upwards” as well as tinting. They also offer a service called a “lash perm,” which adds curl but not color, and which is slightly cheaper so I’m considering trying it next time. Anyway!
Pros: This was my favorite treatment of the three. The application time was shorter than extensions (under 90 minutes), the look is more natural, and I don’t constantly have stray extensions shedding down my face two weeks after getting the treatment. Where extensions felt like a necessary evil for my natural lashes, this treatment actually feels like it’s helping them—the lashes on my face are 100% my own, but they’ve never looked thicker, or framed my eyes so nicely. Simply put, I’m in love.
Cons: Also expensive! It costs $160 for the full lash lift treatment at Lash Loft, and $100 for a lash perm. Like extensions, they’re meant to last 6-8 weeks (I’m in week 3, and will keep you posted), but my lash budget is just not that high. Also, if you’re getting these specifically for a photo op, you’ll want to add mascara on top—it’s not quite the dramatic pop of extensions.
My newly lifted lashes; ignore how dead I look in the eyes:
All in all—and depending on what your natural lashes look like—extensions are likely the only method that will replace mascara for you completely. But if you’re comfortable with a natural look, my personal preference for a no-makeup morning is the lash lift. So until my reality career is in full swing, I’ll be sticking with lifts—and the occasional swipe of my favorite volumizing mascara.
Images: Victor Hughes / Unsplash; @benefitcosmetics, @louisabhaus / Instagram
I’ve written before about the wonders of microblading: the magic treatment behind so many celebs’ perfect, make up-less brows. While microblading is slowly becoming more common, the treatment is expensive enough—and permanent enough—that I assumed my microblading days were years away, if they existed at all. Perfectly sculpted brows first thing in the morning were a luxury for the rich and famous—I, who struggles to go a single day without spilling food on my shirt, was not worthy. Cut to: in an exchange I thought maybe I had dreamed, EverTrue Microblading Salon offered me a treatment with their head stylist. I (obviously) couldn’t accept fast enough, and two weeks later, I’m confident it’s the best beauty treatment I’ve ever gotten. Read on for details on the procedure, aftercare, and some dramatic before and after shots.
WARNING: Side effects of this procedure may include taking a disgusting amount of selfies, a small obsession with what other semi-permanent treatments could also improve your face, and a general spike in vanity. WORTH IT.
The Microblading Procedure
I got my brows done at EverTrue’s Flatiron salon, with their Master Therapist Michelle Wu. (Pictures of her work, and other brow specialists, are available on the salon’s Instagram.) Wherever you go, make sure that you look at samples of your stylist’s work beforehand, and even speak to past clients if possible. With semi-permanent makeup, there’s no such thing as being too careful. While I’d been daydreaming about this procedure for years, I found myself getting nervous the night before. What if I hated it? What if it hurt? Was I crazy for going through with this?
Luckily, both the salon (pictured above) and Michelle herself were incredibly soothing—and it didn’t hurt that everyone there, down to the receptionist, had flawless brows of their own. Before diving in to the procedure, Michelle did some tweezing, and we discussed brow shape and color. My brows, as you’ll see in a moment, have always been lighter and patchier than I’ve liked, which meant about 20 minutes spent with my Anastasia brow pencil every morning. They’re also lacking when it comes to having a defined shape, or noticeable arch, something that’s harder to fake with my particular makeup skills.
After listening to my concerns, Michelle drew in my brows with pencil, showing me exactly where every stroke would go, and what the end product would look like. The first time through, she gave me a very natural look, following the existing shape of my brows and just filling in. On a second draft, I asked her if she could give me more of an arch, even if that meant tweezing my brows further to fake it (it did). She drew it in, I fell in love, and she went off to mix up a pigment that would match my natural hair. Twenty minutes of numbing cream later—and 30-45 minutes of Michelle individually drawing in each “hair” with a tiny, pigment-carrying blade—I was all done. In less than 90 minutes, and with no pain other than a slight soreness toward the end, my brows were complete.
My brows, before and after:
Honestly, most of my night-before fears about microblading weren’t about the process itself; they were about the aftercare. Mostly, I blame this InStyle article, which led me to that my brows needed to be on full lockdown for a week following. No moisture (including sweat), no showering unless you wanted to tempt fate, and don’t you dare roll over in your sleep—unless you want to ruin your brows like this author’s unfortunate, side-sleeping co-worker did. Obviously, this writer had no malicious intent, but as someone who believes basically everything she reads on the internet, I was pretty f*cking stressed.
After carefully rattling off my concerns to Michelle, she gave me a few pieces of good news. Given improvements in the pigment they use, microbladed brows now only need to stay dry for 48 hours after the procedure—not a full week. And short of sleeping fully on my face, she was very skeptical that I would manage to mess up her work overnight. Phew! That being said, I had still just gotten eyebrows tattooed onto my face, and she was clear that certain aspects of aftercare were non-negotiable. For one week: apply a thin layer of healing balm (provided) twice daily, don’t get any product on your brows, and don’t apply direct pressure. This means when people see your brows and immediately try to touch them, you back the f*ck away. (Maybe no one in your life will do this. But all of my weirdo friends definitely did).
So yeah, my showering regimen definitely took a hit the following week (I could get them wet after 48 hours, but I was scared of stray body wash or shampoo getting in there). And I may or may not have yelled at my boyfriend every time he tried to kiss me, but every rose has its thorns and all that. It was a slightly annoying week with 3-5 heart attacks that I’d fatally messed up—but I never had, and my brows remained intact.
The Final Results
Finally, I didn’t realize how much your brows change in the weeks following the microblading procedure. For the first few days, they were much darker—now, two weeks later, they’re almost too light. This is all a normal part of the healing process, as your skin scabs, heals, and grows back, and as the pigment adjusts to your skin. Brows will reach their “final” color 4-6 weeks after the initial process, and just in time for a mandatory touch-up session, where your stylist can fill in any holes, go bigger if desired, and make adjustments to the shade.
I have to say, though, both at their darkest and their lightest in this healing process, my brows look the best they’ve ever looked. Even my sister, who is skeptical of all beauty treatments that take more than water to remove, was thoroughly impressed. And of all the slight modifications I’ve made to my appearance over the years—eyelash extensions, laser facials, coloring my hair—it’s made the biggest and best difference. Having thicker, filled-in brows gives me the exact boost I sought out with my minimal makeup routine: I look more put-together, and frankly, more natural than I did before.
Me, one week in and feeling myself:
Something about having these permanent (technically, one year to 18 months) brows makes me want to wear less makeup on the rest of my face, too (obviously, the above selfie notwithstanding). While I know these brows aren’t actually natural, I feel like they look like they could be—and appreciating a natural look goes a long way toward putting down the eyeliner and taking on the world with nothing more than my fancy new brows. It’s boosted my confidence, cut down my morning routine, and flooded my DMs with questions about the procedure. If you’re able to make a beauty investment right now, and you’re wondering what to go with, run, don’t walk, to EverTrue, or your nearest (reputable!) microblading salon.
Images: Alexandru Zdrobău / Unsplash; EverTrue Microblading Salon (2); @evertruesalon, @louisabhaus / Instagram
Anyone who says they’re a morning person is a
fugly slut freak. Do not trust them. I can’t even wake up on time for work with the assistance of six alarms, so I’m most def not going to wake up just to hear the little birdies chirp while I sip on some green smoothie. No fucking thanks. For those of us who are barely staying afloat in adulthood, working a full-time job is can be more exhausting than any SoulCycle class we’ve attempted. That’s not including us betches who work in major cities where the 9-to-5 concept doesn’t even exist. Maybe, more like 8 to 8 and by that time, I’d rather take a pen to my eye.
^^^ Me every goddamn day.
The continuous repetition of working late, drowning our sorrows in wine, and waking up early the next day obviously takes a toll on us and our beauty routine. It’s basically a given that we’re all too lazy tired to do a full face of makeup at 6am. So, when our triple-shot venti soy latte doesn’t wake us up, here’s makeup that energizes your face so you don’t look, or feel, like a zombie by Wednesday.
1. MILK MAKEUP Cooling Water
Obviously the bags under our eyes are *not* designer, and therefore, shouldn’t be on our face. This caffeine-infused gel stick de-puffs and decreases under-eye swelling to make you look more awake in minutes. It helps restore your natural glow and brightens your eyes so no one can tell you got like, four hours of sleep the night before.
2. Lancôme Paris Énergie De Vie Liquid Care Moisturizer
A good moisturizer is a must if you are in constant dire of sleep. This anti-fatigue and lightweight moisturizer refreshes dry skin and jump-starts the hydration it needs to get through the day. It eliminates the fact that we’re slowly becoming ancient and makes you feel re-awakened, regardless of how much lack of sleep you’re suffering from.
3. SheaMoisture Shea Butter Coffee Scrub
If you don’t exfoliate at least once a week, you’re already fucking up. This raw scrub made from actual ground coffee replenishes and energizes your face for a nourished, healthy look, so now is your chance to start exfoliating like crazy. Use in the morning as a substitute for like, an extra shot of
4. Yves Saint Laurent Touche Éclat Le Teint Radiance Awakening Foundation SPF 22
Before applying a full contour, use an awakening foundation like this gem for a
non corpse-like radiant look. This also works as a highlighter so even without the extra glitter, your cheekbones will still ah-maze. It specifically targets the bags under your eyes and conceals them for a natural-looking appearance.
5. Nia Glow On Demand Energizing Illuminator
This is the extra daily perk you need to get you through the day without taking a nap under your desk. The illuminating serum literally makes your face glow like a fucking diamond immediately after use so you look more refreshed, alert, and well, alive. You can use before or after foundation as that extra boost whenever you need, but I wouldn’t use in addition to highlighter or you might honestly look like a disco ball.
6. Eyeko Lash Alert Mascara
Obviously the heavier your eyelids, the more tired you feel. As an extra pick-me-up, layer this mascara treatment on for fast lash growth so your eyes look extra wide and awake. It lasts literally all day so, by 5pm, you won’t be fighting to stay awake on the train.
Summer has barely started and I’m already calculating how much I’ve sabotaged my bank account with my swimsuit online shopping
habit obsession. Spoiler: it’s not pretty. And because I’m an adult my parents refuse to fund my lifestyle, I now need to save money in other areas of my life by, like, cutting out regular meals, stealing toilet paper rolls from work, and buying my mascara at the drugstore. I really lead a charmed life. But luckily for us, there are actually tons of cheap mascara options out there so we can save money for something that really enhances a person’s beauty: alcohol. Blessings. So here are six drugstore mascaras that will please even your cheap ass:
The Best Mascara For Volume
You may recognize this brand from middle school when you stayed up late watching wannabe aspiring models butcher the English language in an attempt to win over Tyra Banks in their commercial shoot. Aside from giving me valuable
life hair lessons via the traumatizing makeover episodes, ANTM also brought CoverGirl LashBlast Mascara into my life and it really fucking works. Who knew. It’s a go-to for anyone who wants clump-free voluminous lashes (so everyone). Plus it’s v cheap, like cheaper than my $8 Uber Pool last night. Blessings.
The Best Mascara For Length
So this one is sort of a good news/bad news type deal. On the one hand, Butter London Lengthening Mascara will give you lengthy, voluminous looking lashes from roots to the ends, but on the other hand it’s kind of pricey. Like more than I’d pay for a shitty bottle of rosé so it’s probably
not that expensive pretty fucking pricey. That being said, it’s life changing for anyone with short lashes as it adds 20% more length in two coats. But, like, it’s fine. I’ll just cut my gym membership for this month because we all know I wasn’t using that shit anyway.
The Best All-In-One Mascara
If you’re looking for a mascara to switch up your look depending on
if Mercury is in retrograde your mood, then Revlon Ultimate All-In-One Mascara is the best in the game. While it doesn’t look like much—the brush head is fucking tiny—size (apparently) doesn’t matter here because this mascara does it all. If you’re going to make out with your ex’s best friend for a more dramatic look, it can do that. Of if you’re asking for me to unfollow you on Instagram looking for the perfect #nofilter #sonatural selfie, then it can do that too.
The Best Mascara To Fake Eyelash Extensions
poor fiscally irresponsible but you still want your lashes to look like Ashley Iaconetti’s after three beach meltdowns and one sad makeout session with Jared (I assume), then you’re going to want to invest in a mascara that fakes eyelash extensions and Physicians Formula Eye Booster Instant Lash Extensions Kit is seriously the best one out there. It’s ideal for those who love false lashes but suffer from rage blackouts lack the patience for falsies and the sugar daddy money for extensions. The kit comes with two tubes, one that contains a lash-boosting mascara and the other that contains cotton fibers that attach to your lashes to add length and fullness. If that sounds like a process, that’s because it fucking is but that’s the price we pay for optimal Instagram selfies beauty.
The Best Mascara For Nourishing Lashes
For anyone who fucked up their lashes last weekend by sleeping in their makeup and/or burning the shit out of them with an eyelash curler (hi), then L’Oréal Paris Double Extend Beauty Tubes Lash Extension Effect Mascara will be key to restoring your lashes to their former glorious state. At one end of the wand is a base coat infused with nourishing agents to strengthen and protect, and at the the other, a top coat that covers lashes in a blacker-than-your-soul pigment.
The Best Mascara For Lash Growth
Almay One Coat Extreme Mascara is the best of both worlds because it makes you look good AF while also promoting lash growth. It’s sort of like that Nice Girl in your sorority who constantly tried to prove that she could be an athlete/sorority woman/faithful community volunteer/”fun time” at the bars but, in this case, we’re actually buying the
bullshit hype. It’s a serum-mascara hybrid with a dark AF pigment that adds depth and drama to make lashes appear longer and more defined. Plus it defends against damage and prevents breakage all while growing your lashes. You really can have it all.
If there’s anything I’m v picky about, it’s my foundation. While I’d like to assume most of you will say “no shit”, it sure as hell seems like no one knows how to buy a flattering shade, let alone apply it anymore. Like, I think women take the whole “Too Faced” thing too literally. How the fuck do you not notice that you skipped your neck during blending? Even though we don’t act like it 90% of the time, we are adults, ladies. Know how to pick and choose your foundation wisely, and then please learn how to fucking put it on. Maybe your bathroom lighting sucks, or maybe you just need a new foundation altogether. Just because you paid like, the same ridiculous amount I usually end up spending on a bar tab, doesn’t mean it works any better than my fab L’Oréal one.
We shouldn’t have to pay (at all) for makeup that basically serves as a blank canvas on our faces. Since most of us have to spend money on other priorities such as alcohol, rent, and food, here are a few drugstore foundations that are just as good, if not better, than the one you just bought at Sephora.
1. Maybelline Fit Me Matte and Poreless Foundation
With over 30 shades, you will definitely find the shade perfect for you in this collection. This liquid foundation works for all skin types, but it’s even better for those who are on the oily side. It minimizes pores and leaves a matte finish for smooth coverage.
2. CoverGirl CG Smoothers All-Day Hydrating Makeup
If you don’t normally wear foundation or prefer to keep it on the lighter side, this foundation provides just enough coverage without overdoing it. It smooths out any dry skin and stays on all day–even if you plan on squeezing into sweaty, illegally packed nightclubs.
3. Neutrogena Sheers Compact Powder Foundation
Made with gentle minerals, this powder foundation feels as light as it looks. It’s ideal for those with sensitive skin because it hides even the worst of breakouts. With shades from Classic Ivory to Tan, find one that won’t make you look like an Oompa Loompa so that it provides the most natural-looking appearance. Also, because no one wants to look like an Oompa Loompa, in every sense of the name.
4. e.l.f. Flawless Finish Foundation SPF 15
More often than not, e.l.f. amazes me with the quality of its products, even though they only cost like, $5. Even though I like to classify myself as bad and boujee, I have to run on the “broke bitch” budget from time to time. For $6, you get a foundation that provides full coverage, balances your skin tone, and smooths out any unevenness on the skin’s texture. Plus, it comes with a pump and contains UVA/UVB protection if you want to apply a little before hitting the beach—again, FOR $6!!!!
5. REVLON ColorStay Makeup for Normal/Dry Skin
This comes in a wide range of shades so it’s bound to be a match for anyone. Whether you have normal, dry, or oily skin, REVLON designed a foundation that’s basically made for you by also creating this for those with Combination/Oily skin types. The sheer foundation stays put for at least 24 hours, making you look flawless and Instagram-ready at any point during the day.
6. L’Oréal True Match Super-Blendable Compact Makeup
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t save the best for last. While the others are seriously bomb, I have to say, I truly swear by this one. This foundation works best for most skin tones and provides the absolute best blendability. It stays on literally all day and it’s so comfortable that I honestly forget I’m even wearing makeup to begin with. Infused with an SPF of 17, you can stay outside all day without this melting off. It’s only an added bonus that just about everyone will be feeding you compliments about your skin (because like Tinkerbell, we live off of attention, duh).
If you, like me, spent the last week
getting fucked up celebrating v important calendar dates such as the Kentucky Derby and Cinco de Mayo then, first of all, I applaud you. Second of all, please tell me your skin is as fucked up as mine is rn. I’m really just amazed that my skin only sabotages me every once in a while considering all of the shit I put it through on a daily basis. See, I like to do this thing where I “treat myself” sevenish days of the week—it’s sort of like playing Russian roulette with my skin but instead of bullets it’s massive amounts of alcohol and pizza. I know, I’m a peach. ANYWAY, I am sure I’m not alone out there so because I’m feeling charitable and also because I’m already counting down the minutes until it’s 5pm and socially acceptable to open wine, here’s a list of the best alcohol and face mask pairings to get you started on your happy hour skin care journey.
1. Champagne + Bubbles Mask
Get it? I’m pairing bubbles with bubbles? Okay, not super original SO SUE ME. But this will look v cute on Instagram and isn’t that really all we’re striving for here? Try E.L.F’s Hydrating Bubble Mask for a frothy face mask that’s more fun than a Snapchat filter and it also nourishes the fuck out of your skin.
2. Cosmopolitan + Detox Mask
This is for all my city girls out there who have to deal with garbage humans who literally shit on public transportation (seriously, I saw this happen once). A detox mask is the perfect way to refresh your skin after a long week of dealing with psychopaths on the subway, and we suggest using Caudalie Instant Detox Mask in particular. The natural clay ingredients give your skin a deep cleanse while also leaving your face smooth and your complexion even. And before you start talking shit, I know no one drinks Cosmopolitans anymore because it’s not the year 2000, but I’m suggesting this pairing anyways because it seems v sad to make yourself a vodka cran to Netflix and chill… alone. Just saying.
3. Boxed Wine + Peel Off Mask
I’m not sure who still drinks wine out of a box, but I’m assuming it’s the same person who buys their face masks from the sales section at Walmart. I assume. Masque Bar Luminizing Charcoal Peel Off Mask is going to be your go-to mask. Both this mask and boxed wine are cheap AF but still v effective and will get the job done during desperate, desperate times.
4. Bordeaux + Clay Mask
Bordeaux were legit made for drinking in a clay mask. They’re full-bodied and earthy just like the shit you’re putting on your face rn. This is the kind of shit someone like, say, Hannah Baker would sip and savor and then plan out how to be extra AF from beyond the grave (I assume). Pair a clay mask, like Aveda Deep Cleansing Herbal Clay Masque, with any bordeaux. Any betch with combination skin will feel blessed AF using this mask because it draws out impurities from the skin while also absorbing any excess oil. FML forever it is not.
5. Wine Cooler + Anti Aging Mask
It seemed fitting to pair something that’s supposed to reclaim your youth with a drink that no one above the age of 19 drinks. Drunk Elephant’s T.L.C. Sukari Baby Facial is perfect for any skin type and its main goal is to “minimize the look of fine lines and wrinkles, refine pores, and boost overall clarity and radiance.” And a bonus is that you can now enjoy the wine cooler in the privacy of your own home instead of the local Wawa parking lot. Blessings.
6. Pinot Grigio + Hydrating Mask
Pinot Grigio is basically like water, which is not a fact but just my personal opinion—it’s light, refreshing, and I drink 8 glasses of it a day. Hydrating masks, like Glossier’s Moisturizing Moon Mask, go perfectly with Pinot Grigio. Made of almond oil, hyaluronic acid, licorice root, lemon fruit, honey, and aloe—it’s divine served chilled (both the wine and the mask) and will refresh the fuck out of your face. But, like, I’ve also heard white wine will give you a skin disease so there’s really conflicting information over here. Like can we get someone on this please? GOP, can we stop trying to ruin the health care system and instead focus on the more important issues at hand, like, is my Pinot Grigio safe?? K, thx.
7. Tequila Shots + The Trend Mask
I never advise taking tequila shots because no matter how many articles I read about tequila making your bones healthy or adding years to your life I’m convinced it’s all just fake news. There’s no way that tequila, the same alcohol that
my sorority sisters people do body shots with and convinced me to get my belly button pierced at 20 years old on spring break, is actually good for you. That being said, you’re going to need all the shots when you try out any sort of trend mask that’s being pimped out hyped hard by teenagers on Instagram. Especially the Hanacure gel mask because this is the face that will look back at you in the mirror and it is terrifying:
^^actual footage of me looking at my reflection rn
But South Koreans did come up with this product so you know it’s some good shit. It pulls tightly on your skin, totally warping your face until you look old as hell, but when you take off the mask it leaves your skin looking 10 years younger by reducing wrinkles and your pore size.
Because it’s the year 2017 and people will do literally anything for an Instagram like, I’m being pushed to the fucking edge with makeup trends these days. Fucking barbed wire eyebrows? Glitter butts? Grown women buying Unicorn Snot? No, no, no, no. That’s it. Trendsetting is cancelled, it’s done. None of you bitches can be trusted.
But if I thought people couldn’t be trusted to discern a real beauty trend from a moronic one, then I really shouldn’t be surprised that people are fucking up their lip color. Because nothing pisses me off more than seeing people try and be “bold” with their lipstick. I know they say the eyes are the window to the soul, but have you ever seen how good I look in a dark purple lipstick? That says wayyy more about my soul then the cat eye I fucked up this morning. That being said, there are some lip colors you should never wear. Like, ever. So buckle up because I have a feeling this might be a rude awakening for some of you bitches. Here are the 5 lip colors you should never be caught dead in:
1. Baby Blue
Jesus, why do you test my patience like this? I’m a good person. I go to work most days, I never go to the gym, and I only drink
on the weekends. So why does my extra AF friend always show up to happy hour looking like she just sucked off a Smurf? I will never understand why beauty companies even thought to manufacture this color. Even Kylie cannot make this color look good, and that should say something to you. Like, pastels barely look good as clothing on my body, much less as the fucking focal point on my face. Avoid this color at all costs lest you end up an Internet meme.
2. Electric Orange
I’m not going to call anyone out here *cough* Selena Gomez *cough* but someone is trying to make orange happen and they are seriously disturbed. Perhaps she’s trying to prove that she’s just as much of an artist as The Weekend so that’s why she’s made the color orange her pet project for the summer, but you can give it up, Selena, because over my dead body will I let orange lip color become a trend. Selena isn’t the only person who’s delusional, though. Several beauty sites are calling orange the “hottest color” of spring 2017 and each and every one of those sites are getting a spot in my personal burn book. Let me just be clear here people: Orange looks good on NO ONE. Only wear this color if you want me to
mock write about you in future articles.
3. Any Shade Of Green
I made a case for dark green lip color once upon a time but that was in the name of a V important drinking holiday and you really can’t take anything I say seriously when I’m trying to match my outfit to a themed drinking event. Like the above Smurf comment I made, people will sure as hell talk shit about you if you show up to the bar looking like you’ve got a fungus growing on your lips. Don’t fucking do it.
Yes, this is a real shade of lip color. And, yes I’m feeling personally victimized by it. Like, what is even the appropriate setting for said lip color? I’m assuming it’s any sort of music event that involves casual drug use. Though, I’m sure if I wore this lip color for any occasion my mom would probs roast me in a Facebook post. Plus, this has to be some sort of health hazard. Can you imagine drunk eating pizza with this mess on your face? You’d be inhaling glitter chunks to go along with your pepperoni. Nah, sorry. There’s a reason I don’t drink Goldschläger. It’s a no from me.
5. Bubble Gum Pink
I’m not saying this lip color looks bad on anyone per se, but it does send a message, and that message is that you still wear a retainer and a training bra. If you’re a grown-ass woman wearing this lip shade then you’re either Katy Perry or someone who claims Katy Perry is your style icon and either way you can’t be trusted. Stay home and write in your sad handwritten book, because no one wants to see that shit in public.