Whether you hate the wedding-industrial complex, are a bride planning a wedding and want to feel better about your own demands, or just need something to read, we’re doing a new series where we share the craziest, most out-of-touch wedding story we found on the internet that week. Submit your own crazy wedding stories to [email protected] with the subject line Crazy Wedding Story, and we just might feature yours. And make sure to follow @BetchesBrides on Instagram and subscribe to our podcast, Betches Brides.
In case no one told you, planning a wedding is hard. As I have mentioned in about 87 other articles, I know firsthand how hard they are, so I am sympathetic to anyone going through this process because it
will age you 100 years is a grueling one. To all of the ladies and gents who are just getting started, just remember that all a wedding is is a glorified party. I mean, unless Beyoncé accidentally stumbles in and decides to stay and sing a song during the reception, your rustic chic nuptials aren’t, like, that different from all of the other weddings we’ve all been forced happy to attend. Some, though, are so out-there that we can’t ignore them and must talk about them right this very second.
We received an email submission about a wedding that took place before most of you youths were even conceived, but it is so f*cking juicy that we couldn’t not cover the insanity that went down, so here we are. I was literally cringing the entire time I read it, and my neck is now sore from scrunching my shoulders up to my ears for however long it took me to get through the email. Honestly, worth it, though. Let’s get into it.
Our submitter writes: Jane was the first person in her family to go to college, but they all made fun of her until she dropped out. Fortunately, she met the love of her life, Derek, at that time, so she didn’t feel she needed school. He was a former high school jock now working in a gas station and she got a minimum wage at a retail job. Everyone’s happy.
Good for Jane for being a first-generation college student and f*ck her hick family for making her feel bad about wanting to educate herself. Jane, honey, I know the ‘90s was a different time, but don’t perpetuate the stigma that women only need an education until we get a husband. However, high school me is giggling with glee that this once jock is now the creepy gas station guy with whom you don’t want to make eye contact when the pump eats your debit card. Ya truly love to see it… unless your friend is dating the jock-turned-gas-station-guy. And it’s not all sunshine and rainbows:
Dereck was the f*cking worst. He was totally controlling, jealous, abusive, and he cheated. Sometimes in front of her. She obviously wasn’t allowed to have friends or make plans or do anything that didn’t involve him. And she was required to speak to him entirely in baby talk. To this day I think of him as “Dewek.”
Hold. The. Phone. Ew that she “obviously” wasn’t allowed to have friends or do anything at all without getting her
keeper’s boyfriend’s permission? Gross. I honestly don’t even know what to say about the baby talk thing because the second I read that, my bacon, egg and cheese started to creep its way back up my throat. I don’t even like when babies do baby talk, so count me the f*ck out when adults do it. These dudes always turn out to be serial killers. Run, Jane, run!!
Unfortunately, she did not run. In fact, the opposite.
Seven years later, they get engaged, but she and I have grown apart. I’ve moved away and I’m finishing my second degree while she’s barely been allowed to talk to me. Plus Dewek is her only topic of conversation anyway. She seriously DNGAF what’s going on in my life, but for some reason, she asks me to be her maid of honor.
I’m no therapist, but this is textbook jealousy. You represent all of the things she could have been—chief among those things is educated. The maid of honor thing is definitely weird, but maybe she wants to make a big gesture to invite you back into her life and maybe help her escape Dewek? Who knows at this point, though.
Now, the next bit may be hard for the ’00s babies to understand, but use your imaginations and bear with me, kay?
This is in the late ‘90s, but Jane is HELLA ‘80s: like perm, spiked bangs, the works. She comes to the big city I’m living in with her four other bridesmaids to spend the weekend dragging us to various bridal shops trying to find the perfect puffed sleeves, off-the-shoulder, dusty rose scary-ass ‘80s crap that we will all be paying for ourselves. Huge fights ensue, one of Jane’s sisters is a vicious witch to every sales girl, and we all go home without dresses. Eventually Jane orders dresses from some boutique in her small town without any input from the bridesmaids and mine arrives six days before the wedding and is a size too small, so I start starving myself to fit into it.
Drama, drama, drama. Ugh, starving yourself is never the answer. Stand up to your friend and tell her you don’t feel comfortable wearing an ugly dress that’s too small! Also, this is how I’m picturing these dresses:
Then comes the wedding weekend. Turns out that the five bridesmaids were expected to fully create the entire wedding, including cleaning, setting up and decorating the “hall,” and cooking all the food! Apparently this was so obviously our job that no one thought to mention it to us. First, the hall. It was the local small town community center GYM. Like, lines on the floor for soccer and basketball, and no less than six basketball hoops. All five bridesmaids were sweeping, mopping, setting up folding tables and chairs, and blowing up hundreds of white balloons for two hours, and then climbing ladders to try and hide the hoops with the balloons. All while the five groomsmen stood outside and smoked.
I am so over all of these brides asking their guests/bridal parties to cook and clean! I don’t even like asking my roommate to do that on any given Tuesday because I feel like I’m Miss Hannigan-ing her, so asking my friends to clean/cook for my wedding is out of the question. But at the very least, you would think the bride and groom would tell them??? I wish I could say this is the first time I’ve heard such an outrageous request, but this happens in almost every crazy wedding story we do! WTF???
Then back to Jane’s parents’ house where, it turns out, the five bridesmaids were expected to make food for 100 guests in the parents’ tiny kitchen the night before the wedding! The only thing I clearly remember was sitting on a wooden chair at 2am with a huge plastic bucket full of macaroni salad between my legs, which I was stirring with my whole arm. No one seemed to think this was strange or unhygienic. Then we were all given mattresses on the basement floor to sleep on.
If I was in this bridal party, now is right about when I would have staged a coup and/or dipped immediately. Whichever takes less energy. Macaroni salad at a Fourth of July cookout, yum! Macaroni salad at a wedding? Nope! Also, the mattresses on the basement floor is giving me serious American Horror Story vibes and I’m a little scared to keep going.
Three hours of sleep later, we’re all up and getting ready. I’m exhausted and still not eating much because I want to fit in my dress. Jane’s dad, the one who has known me since I was eight years old, is hitting on me. I spent most of the day backed into corners so he’d stop stroking my ass. Jane’s mom has quite reasonably decided that this is my fault, so she is being an utter bitch to me. Jane is demanding that I help her stick maxi pads to the underarms of her dress because she has chosen a long-sleeved, high-necked, massive tulle-skirted monstrosity of a wedding dress, and it is 104 degrees outside.
All I have to say about the dad is:
Re: the maxi pad situation… try antiperspirant, I guess? Don’t even get me started on the dress because it sounds like a direct assault to the eyes. Every bride has her own unique style, but this thing sounds offensive.
The reception for me is blurry. It’s a cash bar, but as mentioned I hadn’t eaten for five days so I started drinking right away and I don’t remember anything after the first 10 mins, except for being expected to go into the small metal stalls in the bathroom with the bride to hold her massive skirts up while she peed.
Ok, to be fair, it’s one of the more unfortunate tasks involved in being a maid of honor, but you are required to hold up the bride’s dress while she pees. However, my sympathy ends there. Cash bars at weddings shouldn’t be allowed. People are coming from far away, buying outfits, getting you gifts, etc. for your wedding, so the least the couple can do is let them drink for free.
The reception ended just as I started to sober up (I ran out of cash) and that’s when I learned that the bridesmaids were solely responsible for cleaning the hall. In our frothy ‘80s dresses and sh*tty dyed-to-match heels. In 100-degree weather. We had to sweep and mop again, pack all the leftover food back into buckets, clean the bathrooms, put the tables and chairs away, and climb ladders to take down the balloons. The groomsmen obviously stayed outside and smoked. Jane’s dad continued to sexually assault me throughout. I finally sat down from sheer exhaustion and Jane’s mom arrived immediately to tell me to “get off your lazy ass and help.”
I’m sorry, but wouldn’t the bride be excruciatingly embarrassed that her dad is literally sexually harassing her maid of honor and do something about it? Like????? Anyway, wtf is with the bridesmaids having to do all of the heavy lifting for this piece of sh*t wedding? Where did the bride and groom even go? And if the wedding is over, why are the groomsmen just standing around smoking still? Enjoy lung cancer, boys! All I have to say about the bride’s mom yelling at the MOH is that she can get off her lazy ass and control her disgusting husband’s hands. But more importantly, WHY DIDN’T THEY JUST LEAVE?? Were they being held at this wedding against their will? I truly don’t understand the lengths people will go to because they feel bad/want to avoid conflict.
I passed out on my basement floor mattress as soon as we got back to the parents’ house, and then got up early and left before the gift-opening. I must have been otherwise disappointing and/or offensive I guess, because Jane never spoke to me again. A mutual friend told me though that the marriage lasted eight months.
LOL. Eight f*cking months. I’m dead. The fact that she even went to the wedding after the whole bridesmaid dress situation is pretty impressive, so she clearly wasn’t that disappointing. I am fully obsessed with this and need to know what the divorcées are up to.
Can you top that craziness? Prove it! Submit your crazy wedding story to [email protected] with the subject line “Crazy Wedding Story”!
Images: NBC; Giphy (3)
Anyone who has participated in wedding planning can agree that it can be so damn stressful. Whether you’re the bride, groom, MOH, MIL, or bridesmaid, there is a to-do list longer than a CVS receipt. First, you need a budget, a date, and a venue. You also have to make these decisions fairly quickly and pray your venue isn’t booked by some un-engaged girl already planning her fairytale wedding. Next, you have to coordinate vendors, the dress, your bridesmaid dresses, invitations, honeymoon… I think you get the point.
We’ve all heard the term bridezilla, and there’s a reason for it. Weddings are a lot of work, and they can bring out the worst in people. I, myself, have been in a handful of weddings and have witnessed couples fight over the most trivial things. Really?? We’re getting pissed over linen patterns or up lighting?? I’ve seen these spats over decor turn into a scene from Fight Club.
As a former bride and also as someone who has called off her wedding, I’m familiar with tension before the big day. My ex-fiancé and I bickered about the guest list, venue, flowers, you name it. These wedding quarrels morphed into us going to war about everything from finances to family to our careers. Before I called it off, I would constantly question if everyone who plans a wedding struggles with this or if I was just in the wrong relationship. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t normal.
So, the question is: are these normal pre-wedding disagreements, or are these serious warning signs that this person isn’t your ‘til-death-do-us-part? Read on for some signs that your wedding disagreements are an indicator of unhappiness to come.
Why Did You Get Engaged In The First Place?
Social media has really changed the game for engagements and weddings (I blame Laguna Beach for starting prom-posals). There’s nothing wrong with it, but today it’s pretty much the standard for people hire photographers and plan over-the-top engagements, which they then post over and over again on Instagram. Same goes for weddings. Every part of your wedding day is documented by friends and family on social media. Let’s not forget about the teaser pics right after the big day that only warn of a few weeks later when your IG feed will be inundated by wedding shots.
Wedding Stress: It’s normal to overthink your hashtag or worry about selecting the perfect photographer. You’re paying a TON of money for these services, so you have the right to be picky. But ask yourself: if you took away the fancy dress, flowers, and glam squad, would you still want to marry this person and spend the rest of your life with them? One of my best friends was so over her family’s BS that she and her now-husband canceled their 300 person extravaganza and had a surprise wedding with 40 people instead. This didn’t stop her MIL from wearing a white gown to the event, but at the end of the day, it was about their love for each other—not the fancy ballroom.
Red Flag: If you answered no to the above question, you might want to reconsider this engagement. If all you care about is how your wedding will look to others, this is not a good sign. If you can’t imagine this day without all the bells and whistles or if it makes you cry inside thinking about someone posting an unflattering photo of your venue on, take a step back to reflect on why you actually want to go through with this. After I got engaged, I posted a picture of my proposal on Instagram within an hour of it happening. I remember being annoyed by the caption my ex used for his post (something along the lines of “she said finally”). While it’s normal to share your engagement on IG, looking back, I should have been more excited to celebrate our engagement with him and less concerned with the perfect filter or caption.
How And Why Do You Fight?
It’s expected to have disagreements about venue location or booking a band vs. a DJ. Everyone has a vision of what this day will look like. I’m sure you’re also getting forceful opinions from your family or future in-laws. You might bicker about your guest list—should you invite your creepy uncle or your future father-in-law’s clients? Does your fiancé’s #foreveralone bestie get a plus-one? There are a million and one scenarios that can have you and your SO at each other’s throats.
Wedding Stress: No matter what the argument is about, you want to feel heard by your SO. Relationships are about compromise, and you should respect each other’s opinions when there is any type of disagreement. There shouldn’t be any blaming or name-calling when things go wrong. You should move on quickly after an argument, and fights over wedding favors shouldn’t turn into screaming matches about what religion you’ll raise your future kids. Also, an important point to keep in mind: a lot of arguments stem from family drama. It’s important your SO puts your feelings before their family’s and always listens to you first. Here’s a good example of this done right: My friend’s husband’s family paid for their entire (six-figure!) wedding, but every decision was made together. He never once held the money over her head to get his way. Wedding disagreements should not come between you and your fiancé. On the flip side, my ex always told me he would choose his family over me any day. If he went to his mom to question my flower choices, what made me think he wouldn’t talk sh*t to his mom about my parenting style when we had kids?
Red Flag: It’s a MAJOR warning sign if your SO gaslights you every time you fight. You shouldn’t feel unreasonable, crazy, or unheard when you’re just trying to get your point across (this also holds for arguments outside of wedding planning). I spent a long 6 years with my ex where I was always justifying my feelings. His favorite line when we fought was, “I think your parents dropped you on your head as a baby because you’re crazy”. I know, awful right?
Another major warning sign is constantly walking on eggshells around your SO. You should never have the mentality that it would be easier to keep something to yourself in order to avoid a fight. My ex and I fought a lot—I eventually stopped bringing things up to him because I was afraid of setting him off. It got to the point where I secretly planned our honeymoon because I couldn’t mentally handle another battle. Not a good sign.
Does Your Future Spouse Make Planning Easy Or Difficult?
How did they react when you scheduled a tour of 10 venues the weekend after you got engaged? Did they freak out when you told them the florist was $10k over budget? Did they ditch a cake tasting or black out when you went to see a band showcase? I might sound like a broken record at this point, but how your partner deals with the planning process is a huge indicator of what type of relationship you’re in.
Wedding Stress: It’s OK if your groom doesn’t want to be involved in every single detail of wedding planning. You probably have better taste in European-style flower arrangements, anyway. I went to every vendor meeting with a friend for her wedding, and we had way more fun picking out color schemes and candle holders than she would have had if she’d brought her then-fiancé. The difference is, her now-husband is an awesome guy and would always praise her for having great taste—he just didn’t have a vision for envelope liners and calligraphy styles. If he’s taking the backseat, your SO should be happy to let you plan and be appreciative of the effort you put into it. If he’s willing to be your hype man over classic hand-tied bouquets, imagine how supportive he’ll be for the important stuff.
Red Flag: If your SO makes every part of the planning process a challenge, you’re in red flag city. This could look like anything from delaying you from making decisions to a complete lack of interest in the planning process, not showing up to things, or being overly critical once you make a decision. For instance, my ex would call me impulsive for moving forward with any stage of the planning process. I had to wait three months post-engagement before we were even allowed to talk about venues or setting a date. And, while being completely uninterested in planning, he still managed to be highly critical of every decision I made. His response to when I picked our invitations: “those look like funeral announcements”. Tbh, he made planning so miserable it kind of felt like I actually was planning a funeral!
At the end of the day, you know yourself and your relationship better than anyone else. If you don’t feel supported or if the arguing is spiraling out of control, talk to your SO! Communication is clutch while wedding planning and it will continue to be important throughout married life. It may feel like it, but you aren’t trapped or committed to going through with your marriage. There are plenty of people who have called off an engagement, and they are better for it!
Images: Petr Ovralov / Unsplash, Giphy
If you’ve been asked to give a wedding or rehearsal dinner toast, there is one very important thing you must remember, no matter what: It is NOT a roast. No matter how tempted you are to throw out some inappropriate jokes, lock it up for the next few minutes and try to act like an adult. You’re not a stand-up comedian. Please just keep it short, sweet, and unlikely to embarrass the bride’s extended family. I know that giving a speech is hard, especially in front of people you don’t really know, but this is not really the time to trot out the strategy you use on awkward dates and just deflect with inappropriate humor. The good news is, if you avoid saying the following things, your toast is likely to be a huge success.
Imagine having the responsibility to give a toast at Kanye West’s rehearsal dinner.
— Matt Dentler (@MattDentler) May 23, 2014
1. “I Never Thought This Day Would Come!”
While this may actually be true because your BFF literally had no game in college (did you, though?), avoid this one. There’s no way for this comment to be taken as a compliment, and the crowd won’t know how to react. After all, this day did come, so clearly you were wrong.
2. “Funny Story, The Bride Used To Have A Huge Crush On The Best Man!”
you want me to write a wedding toast? oh, i thought you said wedding roast…
*slowly crumples up 18 savage pages worthy of Michael Scott*
no, it’s no problem at all…
— Kaitlyn Pyle (@kvpyle) June 14, 2019
Can we say AWKWARD? That is definitely a story that should not leave the bachelor/bachelorette party (regardless of whether it took place in Vegas or not). It’s weird to hear about anyone the bride or groom dated in the past in a wedding or rehearsal toast, and even more so when he or she’s sitting right there. Also, it accomplishes nothing except making everyone really uncomfortable.
3. “50% Of Marriages Today End In Divorce”
While this is factually accurate, Lizzo said it best: Truth hurts. And a wedding is not a day you want people to feel hurt. It’s a day to be hopeful, optimistic, and excited about the future. Maybe, just this once, don’t keep it real.
4. “I Am FEELING These Signature Cocktails.”
The bartender might be making those Moscow mules very strong, but try to save the binge drinking until after your speech. A few glasses of champagne for liquid courage is not a bad idea so you don’t sound like you’re giving a presentation to your boss, but save the hard stuff as a celebration for nailing your speech so you don’t make an ass of yourself in front of 200 people.
5. “People Always Thought I Would Get Married First.”
Writing a toast for my buddy’s wedding rehearsal dinner tonight… Need some last minute pointers to bring the house down
— Ryan Seacrest (@RyanSeacrest) September 15, 2017
Generally, talking about yourself in a wedding speech is a no-no, unless it’s related to the couple, and advertising that you were initially ahead in the race to the altar is just plain weird and irrelevant on your BFF’s wedding day.
6. “Who Wants To Take Bets On When They’ll Have Kids?”
The only thing more annoying than people asking when you’ll get engaged is being asked when you’ll have kids. There are so many reasons why this is NOT okay, so just avoid the topic altogether and save yourself an ass-kicking from the newlyweds.
7. “It’s Been A Rocky Road Getting Here…”
No relationship is perfect (except probably J.Lo and A-Rod’s) and everyone who’s been in a relationship knows that, so there’s no reason to bring up the on-again, off-again phase so many couples have endured. Clearly the couple is in a great place now, so there’s no reason to reopen old wounds.
8. “He Was So Hammered The Night He Met You, I Can’t Believe He Even Remembered Your Name!”
Again, save this for the bachelor/bachelorette party. The couple’s grandparents don’t need to know that they met during an intense game of flip cup that ended in a one-night stand. Something like “they met at a college party” is about all the information they need to know. Keep it PG and save the couple from some major embarrassment.
9. “We All Know Dave’s Parents Didn’t Love Jenna Right Off The Bat.”
“If you think about it, technically you can’t ruin a rehearsal dinner.” –Me to my cousin after ruining his rehearsal dinner with my toast
— Max Raskin (@maxraskin) May 21, 2018
Again, this is just you asking for an awkward silence. It’s not funny, it’s completely irrelevant to whatever you’re going to say next and will most definitely put a damper on the rest of the night.
10. “Mic Drop!”
This is just a terrible way to end a speech and you should absolutely NEVER do it. EVER.
Above all, if you have to get a second opinion on whether your joke is too “edgy”, just don’t do it. Anything that is going to make the bride or groom feel self-conscious or bad about themselves, definitely don’t do it. And also, don’t get so drunk that you are incoherent. The bar is actually not that high! You can do this.
Images: maxraskin, RyanSeacrest, MattDentler, kvpyle / Twitter
It’s almost always the same. You’re just walking around, minding your own business, wearing leggings like they’re pants, when suddenly you get the text. The selfie of a distant friend holding up her hand with the dreaded words underneath: “I’m engaged!”
Naturally, two things immediately pop in your head as you zoom in on the rock to try to gauge the size:
- “Awww” and/or “f*ck.”
- “I wonder if I’m going to be in the wedding.”
Whether you’re a seasoned bridesmaid or you’re new to the idea of missing cocktail hour for maybe ONE photo of you and the bride that’s good enough to post on Instagram, you’ll quickly realize that being in a wedding isn’t all sunshine and Spanx. Odds are, if you’ve been asked to stand by the bride’s side, you’ll end up doing one of these classic bridesmaid tasks that will quickly make you realize why so many of your friends fear wedding season like it’s the next White Claw shortage.
9. Group Chat Creator/Moderator
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First come the bridesmaid proposal boxes filled with cheap-ass earrings and candles from the Dollar Spot at Target, then comes the group chat. As soon as all of the bride’s besties and politically chosen bridesmaids have been informed of their dutiful roles, the hell-inducing group chat begins. Whether it’s the bride, the MOH, or the bridesmaid who *thinks* she’s the MOH, there comes the day when you look down and see a “Heyyyy ladies,” text with 7-12 unrecognizable numbers blowing up your phone.
Being the person to head this painful exchange of half-hearted pleasantries and snarky opinions is one of the lesser evils, but an evil all the same. Whether you chose to ask for the group’s opinions on things (which is, obviously, a rookie mistake), or you announce decisions to deafening silence where you know a million side texts are being sent out bashing the bride/you about whatever it was you told them to do (“Really? She wants us to wear f*cking flower crowns? In NASHVILLE?”), there’s no telling just how deep the psychological trauma and warfare can go. Pop a Xanny, turn off notifications, and count down the days until you can delete the thread for good.
8. Emergency Kit Maker/Holder
After the group text is established (and by that, I mean ruining your GD life), the bride will inevitably ask someone to put together and be in charge of the over-the-top emergency day-of kit. You’ll shell out a good $200 on sh*t like boob tape, teeth whiteners, and a phone charger that someone will immediately “borrow” and never return, just to potentially forget it all in your hotel room before heading to the venue.
While being the girl who has to lug around a tote full of hair spray and Band-Aids like an overzealous chaperone isn’t exactly torture, having bridesmaids running up to you all night asking for gum/bobby pins/lipstick/oil blotting sheets/setting spray isn’t really what you had in mind when you booked your $480 round trip flight.
7. Ceremony Reader
While this prestigious role could go to a bridesmaid, it could also go to a girl who almost made the cut but didn’t quite get on the A-team. Whether it goes to a bitch in a matching dusty blue dress or not, the bride always seems to think this honor will make up for the fact that this bridesmaid is either in the worst spot, the ugliest dress, or didn’t get to be a bridesmaid at all. While she’ll get a few moments of attention with some ever-cliche Corinthians reading, it’s not worth staying semi-sober until 6pm just for a few minutes of anxiety-riddled glory.
6. Guest Book Attendant
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Wedding planning isn’t all rainbows and sunshine—which, if you’re engaged, you’ve definitely figured out by now. (BTW, if it is all that stuff for you, we hate you.) While you may feel like you’re ready to jump off the proverbial cliff you’re standing on, back away. We’re here to let you it’s OKAY if your wedding doesn’t turn out just like your Pinterest board. Link in bio: 15 Ways Your Wedding Expectations Won’t Match Up With Reality. https://betches.co/2ZokM3T
What’s better than begging people whose names you should probably know but can’t remember to sign a picture of the couple wearing matching fall sweaters and hugging (despite the fact that they took the photo in July for their fall Save the Dates and are obviously sweating their asses off) while you’re wearing an ill-fitting dress that was absolutely chosen out of the bride’s own insecurities? Doing this while standing *just* outside a party of all of your friends. Enjoy asking people to scribble their initials on their way to the bathroom like a jackass while your college besties make out with their dates on the dance floor!
5. Beauty Enforcer
The bride said nude heels? Updos? Pale pink nails? Natural eye shadow? No hair ties on the wrists for photos? Being the one who has to tell the girls the beauty rules and make sure they stick to them is not for the faint of heart. Only a true villain can come by with nude polish and sloppily paint over the $60 powder dip burgundy mani the one bridesmaid who didn’t read the extensive beauty rules email got the day before, but someone has to do it*. Be prepared for friendships to end before you even get down the aisle.
(*and by “has to do it,” I mean, “No one gives a f*ck what color your bridesmaid’s nails are,” but alas, here we are.)
Optional: Dog Tender
First and foremost, I gotta say: I get it. I love dogs. Lurrrrve them. I love them just as much as the next basic bitch who crouches on the floor of the bar to pet a Corgi. I. Get. It. And I get having your dog at your wedding. Ol’ Smooches has been there through it all. You just HAVE to have her there (read: you need her for the pictures). You need her support (read: you need her for the pictures). You can’t IMAGINE your day without her (read: you need her for the pictures).
The only problem? Smooches has to be taken care of for the other 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day that a photographer isn’t squeaking a toy in her face in the attempt to get ONE good shot of her with the bride. Luckily, the bride has you! YOU get to be the one to walk Smooches in the damp grass while wearing 4-inch heels. And pick up Smooches’ sh*t while wearing a formal gown. YOU get to check in on Smooches while she’s shoved in a kennel in the hotel room because the manager said she can’t be left unattended.
Lol. Who’s the bitch now?
4. Single Bridesmaid Paired With The Sh*thead Groomsman
Being single at a wedding is the best. You don’t have to worry about your date who will most likely resent you for having to sit at a table alone while you ball out at the head table or deal with the jealousy that comes from you and your friends recounting all of your drunken college shenanigans, most of which involved guys named either Brad, Chad, or Dan.
The worst part? There’s a decent chance (especially if most of the party is already coupled up) that you’ll be paired with the perpetually single groomsman. You know, the guy the bride absolutely hates but the groom insists is actually a sweetheart deep down, despite his raging alcoholism, sexism, and body hair. You’ll spend the whole night dodging him and his sexual advances while he manages to find any way to put his hand on your ass and not-so-subtly hint that, in his eyes, you’re pretty much required to hook up with him. The upside? He’ll like your Instagrams until the day he dies, and he’ll most likely blackout and be asked to leave before the cake cutting, so at least there’s that?
3. The Person Who Has To Make Literally Any Big Decision
At some point in the wedding planning process, things go from fun to f*cked-up reallllllll fast. Most of the time, this happens about .001 seconds after your friend gets the ring. Before that, it’s all over-the-top Pinterest boards and casual wedding venue searching. After *actually* getting engaged, sh*t hits the fan when real vendors have to be hired and real dates/destinations have to be decided on.
The wedding aside, finding a date and location for 17 of your closest friends to drunkenly cry together all weekend is easily one of the biggest stress tests of your life. So, naturally, the bride passes the task off to one of her bridesmaids and lets her handle the fallout. That poor friend has to deal with telling the girls that you’re going to go to Cancún in September even though half of the group wanted Vegas and the teacher friends EXPLICITLY SAID they can only go in the summer. It’s basically a murder-suicide for whoever sends out the Google Poll asking for RSVPs. At least you’re not collecting the money though, right?
2. Reservation Maker/Money Coordinator
Once the bachelorette location is decided on and hated by one-third of the group, the shower venue is chosen, and the beauty salon is selected, the next step is for someone to plop down a credit card. And if daddy’s not paying? That’s going to land on one of the bridesmaids. Whoever is the most type-A and/or has the most to prove to the bride will have to max out all of her cards and send out the Venmo requests. That means a whole bunch of broke twentysomethings are about to get a $500+ charge for a weekend that has nothing to do with them.
Between ignoring the charge, claiming they “dOn’T hAvE tHe aPp,” or continuously “forgetting” to pay then “mysteriously” having a family emergency the week of the bachelorette and flaking, leaving you to pay their share, there’s a 0% chance you’ll make it out debt-free. If you don’t end up resenting at least one girl and getting a call from your bank about exceeding your spending limit within a 36-hour period, you probably did things wrong—just sayin’.
1. Maid Of Honor
There’s one reason and one reason only that ANYONE wants to be the Maid of Honor: so everyone else knows that their friendship pales in comparison to yours. Other than the *hopefully* marginally better dress and photo ops, the MOH is the bride’s bitch through and through, and odds are you’ll have to complete every one of the sh*tty tasks above, and then some, alone. Still, you’re the one who gets to stand right by the bride’s side, hunching over to adjust her train 43 times turning the ceremony to let everyone know that you’re the best, and at the end of the day, isn’t that what being in a wedding is all about?
Images: Devin Devine / Unsplash; betchesbrides / Instagram
If there’s ever a time when wedding and bridal shaming stories are not a thing, I will find a new planet to live on. Does anything give us life quite so much as pointing out the insanity that is other people’s weddings? Usually the brides—what with their psycho requests, insane organizational charts, and wildly specific hors d’oeuvres for cocktail hour—are the object of our unabashed shaming, because no one wants hush puppy/crab cake hybrids, Janine. Get a f*cking grip. But this time it’s the Maid of Honor, the girl you depend on to keep you sane on your big special day, who genuinely deserves a good, stern talking to.
Basically, a super chill (I assume) bride told her bridesmaids to go ahead and “wear anything.” Now, usually, and for those of us with firing brain cells, that means picking an acceptable cocktail dress or gown in a color that’s cool with the bride and NOT WHITE. Most of us would send a quick picture of said dress to the bride because we’re such good friends and, ultimately, it’s all about her. There really isn’t anything wild or groundbreaking about this concept, right?
Wrong. This particular bridesmaid decided “f*ck it” and took the bride’s very kind offer extremely literally.
Maid of honor wears a T-Rex costume after being told she could wear ‘anything’ https://t.co/thD48cRXWD pic.twitter.com/PrkqcEwSGq
— New York Post (@nypost) September 4, 2019
Jesus Christ. There’s not a lot to unpack here. Pretty much, this Nebraska bride’s sister and maid of honor, a 38-year-old human woman, decided that an inflatable T-Rex costume was going to be her go-to outfit during her sister’s once-in-a-lifetime day. Like, how interesting and cool and ~quirky~ do you have to attest to be to pull this kind of sh*t? Also, isn’t this kind of crappy to do in the sense that you’re completely taking all focus and attention off of the bride?
The MOH herself uploaded this pic to her Facebook page with the caption, “When you’re maid of honor and told you can wear anything you choose…I regret nothing ?” and it’s been shared more than 34,000 times. So that’s 34,000 people who think this is an acceptable move, and 34,000 reasons my faith in humanity is diminishing.
Sooo what about the bride? Did she also “regret nothing” in telling her sister and MOH to go ahead and wear “whatever”? Will she feel pangs of horror as she looks back on her pics of this super special backyard wedding day, punctuated by an inflatable Halloween costume?
Searching for T-Rex gifs is not disappointing.
Uhh, no. Apparently, the sister is totally fine with it—much to my disappointment, as I was hoping for a knock-down, drag-out, white trash wedding meets T-Rex fight on the back lawn of this Nevada homestead. “My sister is awesome and I genuinely was not kidding when I said she could wear whatever she wanted,” Deanna Adams, bride, sister, and apparently super forgiving person told the Daily Mail. Christina, the maid of honor, also told the Daily Mail that she sent Deanna a text in advance asking if it was okay if she wore the costume, and she took it off right after the ceremony and wore a dress to the reception because it was super hot.
I mean, if the bride is fine with it, whatever. Invite us to your next shindig, though, so I can break out my Cookie Monster outfit and do a quick costume change into my wacky waving arms inflatable tube man ensemble.
Images: Shutterstock; NYPost / Twitter; Giphy
Buckle up, cause we’ve got another atrocious yet hilarious viral bridesmaid/wedding horror story for your viewing pleasure. Honestly, what did we do at work BEFORE Reddit? Like, actually work? Lame, fam – let’s revel in other people’s drama.
Because at our core we’re really all just messy b*tches, this story about a bridesmaid who’s been pushed too far is giving us life. Fox News, Trump rag extraordinaire, carried the story last week, and after digging around on the internet i.e. clicking the links that the good people at Fox provided (um, you’re welcome), I’ve got the full insane picture of this absolute nightmare scenario.
Crappy Massages And Prostitutes
This whole story starts out as an “Am I The Asshole” thread, led by a soon-to-be bridesmaid in an upcoming May 11 (this f*cking weekend) wedding. Basically, said chica is being asked to walk arm-in-arm down the aisle during her best friend’s wedding with her now ex-fiancé. Normally, this would be a typical, “hey, suck it up” scenario. However, what the ex-fiancé is accused of doing is laughably sh*tty:
“Jump into the worst week of my life. I was with my ex fiancé for 6 years. Loved him with every fiber of my being, wedding planned for August. Refused a job offer so could move with him for his next Air Force assignment. Monday a call girl from a website called massage republic texts him in the middle of the night saying she’s reaching out to old clients because she’s back in the game (his phone was at my house while he was flying) I text back she must have wrong number. She says she doesn’t. In a moment of brains I pretend to be him instead of the jealous girlfriend and call girl gives me all the details. I’m such a fool this had been happening under my nose for years.”
So, first off, “he was flying” leads me to believe this asshole is a pilot. RULE NUMBER, LIKE, THREE OF DATING BROS – Never marry the pilot. I’m sure there are great non-cheating pilots out there, but these guys are NOTORIOUS for bangin’ round the world.
“I’ll Make It Up To You”
“I confront him, he claims to be a sex addict and promises to change. I consider it for half a second and say no. Cue uncontrollable crying, self doubt, a battery of STD tests, awkward encounters with him, fight over the ring, his mom (who I loved) calling me non stop and begging me to reconsider and on and on.
And on top of all this my best friend is marrying his best friend may 11th. Groom doesn’t want to rock the boat at this late date and selecting a new best man. Bride says she has way too much in her plate and is begging me to just go through with it and she’ll ‘make it up to me.'”
I’m sorry, but am I the only one who thinks the bride here is kind of an asshole for making the scorned bridesmaid walk down the aisle with this mouth breather?! I would NEVER ask one of my friends to suck it up in this situation.
What To Do?
This poor girl continues to, well, spiral through her emotions via Reddit. Not only is she feeling self doubt and horror at her current fiance situation; she’s also caught wondering if she’s a bad friend for NOT WANTING TO BE WITH HER PROSTITUTE-LOVING EX.
“I’ve never hated a human being as much as I hate him. I can’t be in the same room with him let alone walk arm in arm with him. I understand the whole wedding doesn’t need to fall apart because I’m upset. so I just want to not go and spend the day downing the left over percocets from my wisdom teeth operation, fucking as many tinder dudes who can stand to be around me after not showering and burning all his shit.
Would I be the asshole if I back out of the wedding?”
May I be the first to say, “baby, what is you doin?” This bridesmaid shouldn’t be made to go through having to even TOUCH this man, let alone walk with him and pretend it’s all whatever. She’s a pretty good person, in my book, for even stating that “the whole wedding doesn’t need to fall apart because I’m upset.” If it were me, I’d probably try to highjack the entire wedding and make sure EVERYONE knew this guy was a radioactive asshole. But, I’m not a nice person, so…
Wrap It Up
After Fox News (and other fake news outlets) blew up this thread, the bridesmaid returned to answer a few questions and fill in the blanks for those of us VERY invested in this whole ordeal.
“I have to clear up people calling my best friend the asshole. That just isn’t the case, at all. I love her as much as I love any person on the planet and she has my back. But this wedding is now a week away. It’s not a simple thing of kicked me out or asking ex-fiancé not to come. Everyone is furious with him but only she, me and he know the details of call girls. My ex’s parents, grandparents and everyone else are going to be at the wedding. He’s as close with the groom as I am with her. If they make big changes now then the day becomes about what HE did, not about the wedding. It’s not my place to demand the groom change his best man… a week out no less…plus like I said he knows my ex cheated, he doesn’t know my ex was sleeping with prostitutes. If I bring that up then this whole week becomes about THAT. My best friend and her groom being assholes isn’t even an option on the table. They didn’t do anything wrong and just reacting with the best information they have. My friend has offered me the chance to allow me and ex-fiancé to walk in with other people or even separately, but I’m not going to do that. First of all because I think it will look weird. And secondly I foresee getting a sick since of satisfaction of touching him ONE LAST TIME–FOREVER and have him know that that spark he feels…could have been forever come August but he fucked it up.”
Hmmm, so I can sort of see why she almost has to suck it up in this case. Cheating is one thing and is, yes, horrible, but since no one knows the ex cheated with a bunch of dirty hookers, it has to stay on the DL … at least until after the wedding. If it were me, as soon as the dust settles, I’d put that motherf*cker on blast.
Parting mood courtesy of this bridesmaid who, honestly, honey, if you read this, let’s be friends: “I’m going to suck it up, participate, have fun, make my lock screen image the text from “Panama” where she said “remember, you liked tounging my asshole?” so when I get sad I have an instant reminder of who he really is. And then when it’s all over I’m going to scream myself hoarse and beat the ever living f*ck out of my pillows.”
Images: Andre Hunter / Unsplash; Giphy (5)
I was going to say something about wedding season coming upon us before we know it, but I’m almost 30 and I swear to God, every season is now wedding season. What is it with you people? It’s literally Noah’s Ark with everyone waltzing two-by-two into their own personal hell fairytale marriage. I’ll just sit here with my rosé and dog watching trashy reality TV forever, it’s fine. Anyway. I’ve been a bridesmaid a few times before, but my best friend is getting married next year and it’s my first stint as the holy relic, Maid of Honor. Some things I kind of knew from watching previous MOHs in other weddings, but in case it’s you’re a bridal party virgin, here is what to expect as a MOH. But I don’t mean like, “you have to plan the bachelorette” and dumb sh*t like that—you can head to The Knot for your basic bridal party advice. No, I’m here to let you in on what no one tells you about being Maid of Honor.
1. Your Friend’s Bridesmaids Are Assholes
This one was the most shocking for me. People. F*cking. Suck. I mean I knew that in a general sense, but I know the bride’s friends really well and they still suck. Expect bridesmaids to drop out right before buying the dresses, to get pregnant and bail, to “not be able to get work off” for the bachelorette even though they had a year’s notice, who didn’t know the shower was “mandatory”, to try to skip the dress fitting because they don’t like the other bridesmaids, to throwing sobbing tantrums at the fitting because they gained weight, and a whole slew of other issues I could write an entire novel on. These are supposedly the bride’s best friends and all they have to do is a buy a dress and show up to three things. It’s not hard and yet people will still cause problems. It’s your job to be cutthroat and handle it before it gets to the bride and causes her unnecessary stress. And you know what? It’s usually the people that seem most together that you’ll have the most problems with.
2. You Will Have To Front Money
You know when you try to plan a birthday dinner because you’ll think it’ll be fun? And it somehow ends up being way more people than you thought because literally everyone is coupled off? Then you realize this was the worst idea ever once some guests are an hour late, the restaurant tries to give up your table, no one can do math for their check, and someone else ordered drinks not on the happy hour menu but claims they are happy hour??! The bill comes, everyone is miserable, and you’re like, “hi asshats, it’s my birthday, can you please pay your f*cking check because we’re $240 short???” Yeah, so, being MOH and planning the bachelorette party and bridal shower is exactly like that. But for multiple days/dinners/even an entire weekend. People will easily commit to something until you ask them to pay their part of the hotel deposit. Be prepared to move some cash around and repeatedly yell at people to get your money back.
3. You Will Plan Everything
Speaking of, it’s your job to coordinate everyone’s schedules for the bachelorette and shower. It’s your job to pick a hotel that is both affordable but close enough to the action and has a nice pool. Everything is in your hands. This is fun because you get to do what you and the bride most want, but literally none of the bridesmaids will agree on anything and it will end up being kind of a nightmare. Pick your favorite people and work around their schedules, everyone else can figure it out. Also? Super unclear how you can’t get work covered with a year’s notice for a bridal event but you can get it covered to go to a party at a bar with a week’s notice. Wtf, people. I see you.
4. Your Opinion Actually Matters
A cool thing nobody tells you about about being Maid of Honor versus a bridesmaid is that you can help make a lot of the decisions with the bride. Trying to coordinate all the bridesmaids’ opinions is impossible, so she will look to you to help decide the perfect wedding colors, bridesmaid dresses, and whether the shoes should match (match, yes, be identical, no). It’s super nice to be able to save yourself and others from a $300 cupcake tulle nightmare or a color that makes you look sickly.
5. Your Real Job Is To Support The Bride
At the end of the day, you’re really the bride’s main support system through all of this. You will handle the bridesmaids getting too drunk before the ceremony, when the hotel pool is closed for cleaning during the bachelorette, when the bride has a complete meltdown because the flowers are late on the big day, etc. Your main goal is to keep her from sobbing and remind her that this is supposed to be a happy time. You are there as her best friend and lifeline and to make sure she gets through this entire circus with great memories she’ll have for the rest of her life. You know, until her next marriage.
Images: Gades Photography / Unsplash; Giphy (3)
Calling all Maids of Honor!!!! Life-long best friend, twin sister, or college roommate, whatever you are, you’re probably mad stressed. Let’s face it, bridal parties are kind of the worst. You spend all your money and free time planning these events for your friend who barely even thanked when you spent all night holding her hair back while she puked last weekend. And if you don’t plan the perfect bachelorette party down to the matching bachelorette party tank tops, you can kiss the friendship goodbye. It’s enough to make you want to run to the doctor for a Xanax prescription. We’re not going to tell you not to do that, but you should know you have another option. It’s not a bachelorette party, it’s a BETCHELORETTE party. Calm down, we’ll explain.
What Is A Betchelorette?
A betchelorette is not a regular bachelorette party, it’s a cool bachelorette party. K I’ll go kill myself now. Sry. ANYWAY, Betchelorette is the latest and greatest from your fave online store, Shop Betches. We’re here to help you plan the biggest, the baddest, and the boujee-est betchelorette party. We’ve got bachelorette party tanks that are like, OMG so you. We’ve got bachelorette robes that you’ll low-key want to wear year-round. Any item of batchelorette party clothing you could possibly want, we probably have—but not like your lame “I’m With The Bride” T-shirts. This is stuff you’ll actually want to wear again (without having to shorten, unlike the heinous bridesmaid dress you’re forced to buy). All of our merch is customizable—the robes, the tanks, the swimsuits, you name it—and we recommend putting your hashtag on like, everything. But if you’re not the creative type, DW, we’ve already done the hard work of coming up with a bunch of great ideas for you. And because we’re really amazing, we’re offering serious discounts to bridal parties that order in bulk.
But wait, that’s not all! K sorry for sounding like an infomercial, but really, there’s more. With a little bit of help from our creative team, and a few extra bucks for VIP treatment, we’ll hook you up with awesome bachelorette party ideas so you don’t even have to think. We’ll make sure you have the trendiest hashtag, squad gear, and Snapchat geofilter. All you have to do is shop the items below or email [email protected] with the subject “Betchelorette”. While you’re fine tuning the details, we’ll be getting down and dirty on the shit that will make the bride forever obsessed with you and the bridesmaids green with envy.
Bachelorette Party Tank Tops
Rage Cuz She’s Engaged and Bride or Die are just two of our betchelorette tanks—we have like, so many to choose from. And yes, before you even ask, OF COURSE we made a Bridesmaids one. Check out all our betchelorette tanks here!
And did I mention our robes? Perfect for brunching and rallying, extreme sunburns, and basically any other time you’re too drunk to put a proper outfit on—aka 99% of your trip. Would it be weird if I showed up to an actual restaurant in the “Champagne is always a good idea” robe? I’ll let you know what happens.
Bridal Party Swimsuits & More
If you thought we were just going to stop at custom tanks and robes, you were SO wrong. Not only do we have sexy af one piece swimsuits to accentuate your thighbrow (all the single guys your bridal party might meet) but we have bachelorette totes, hats, and the most amaze gift for your bride-to-be: a custom vintage denim jacket by Unemployed Denim! You’re so fucking welcome.
If you’re not literally dying right now at how much easier your life has become, you really should re-read this post. And don’t worry, even the custom ordering is super easy. All you have to do is shop the items directly on shopbetches.com or email [email protected] with the subject “Betchelorette” for custom orders.
It’s so simple. With our help, even Corinne could plan the sickest bachelorette party ever for Taylor.