The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Finale Part 1

Well, people, we made it. After 10 long weeks of listening to Pilot Pete try and incorporate his favorite swear words from 9th grade Spanish into foreplay rose ceremonies and having to endure Hannah Ann absolutely butchering the English language at every turn, we’ve finally made it to the season finale of The Bachelor (part one, because God hates me!). I’ll admit, I’m on the edge of my seat. This is the first season IN YEARS that hasn’t been spoiled the minute ABC announces the lead, and I’m just dying to know who Pachi picks to split his Delta employee perks with.

Last week Peter narrowed his search down to two final women. In one corner we have Hannah Ann, whose illustrious modeling career includes features in laundry detergent labels, the Ruby Tuesday’s Help Wanted ad, and the chair catalogue from The Office that inspired Michael Scott to believe in love again. In the other corner we have Madison, a girl who probably believes foreplay includes 10-15 minutes of intense nose nuzzling—but only after her youth group has prayed about it first. I can honestly say, I don’t envy your decision, Peter!

Which brings us to tonight! Chris Harrison tells us that tonight will be the most dramatic season finale ever. He claims that even Peter doesn’t know the ending to his own season, and it’s got me worried about the severity of that golf cart injury the camera has been so unkind to all season long. 

Seriously, I’m worried. 

As we start the episode off, Peter says he’s unsure about how to choose between these women when they’ve “touched him” in so many ways. I’m going to assume he means his soul when he’s talking about Madison, and the half-hearted BJ from the fantasy suites when he’s talking about Hannah Ann. At least it seems to have really left an impression on him, girlfriend! 

Before he embarks on his final few days with the women, Peter first consults his parents about his Sophie’s Choice. In minute detail, he talks about each woman, what he feels for them, and their love story thus far on The Bachelor, and at the end of this monologue the only thing his parents seem truly concerned about is that Madison probably won’t be able to properly fellate their son right away. 

Seriously, why are they so concerned about his sex life?? I’m pushing 30 and I’m pretty sure my mother thinks I’ve only had sex the one time—and that’s only because she accidentally read about it on my blog! I can’t imagine if she gathered the family in the living room to talk about my future husband and his lack of sexual prowess. I’m shrieking.

Hannah Ann Meets The Parents

Every time Hannah Ann comes on my screen I’m shocked by how young she looks. Seriously, she looks like she had to have her parents sign a permission slip before she could come on the show. I know she’s supposedly 23 but I’d like to see some I.D., ABC. 

I love that Hannah Ann is nervous to meet Peter’s parents, and yet Pachi’s mom showed up to this little meet-in-greet rocking a tube top. I think you’ll be fine, girl. 

Ew, why does he keep, like, eating her shoulder?? Hannah Ann is trying to have an adult conversation with his parents as he tries to get to third base with her shoulder blade. I’m so alarmed. Why do I feel like Peter has walked in on his parents f*cking before and didn’t immediately shut the door? It’s the only explanation for why he feels so comfortable being this intimate with a significant other in front of his parents. 

Hannah Ann and Peter

HANDS, PETER!!

Hannah Ann tries to explain to Peter’s dad what she sees in Peter, and you can tell he’s still trying to piece together how the son who wears a size small in men’s tees is on national television dating numerous beautiful women, let alone what a 23-year-old Sears catalogue model sees in him.

She’s like “we laugh together, we cry together, and that’s just the foreplay!” Is it just me or does she not have one real thing to say about their relationship other than regurgitating the quotes she pinned to her marriage Pinterest board?

Hannah Ann’s meeting with Peter’s parents goes pretty amazing and that only sends Peter further into a downward spiral. He seems really torn about who he should choose, and I feel for him, I do. Which hot brunette should he choose?! IT’S HEART-WRENCHING!!!

Madison Still Thinks Peter Ain’t Sh*t

Next up, Madison gets to meet the parents. If you’ll recall, the last we saw of her was when the producers had somehow managed to blackmail her into attending the fantasy suites rose ceremony. Peter offered her the final rose of the week over Victoria F. and Madison accepted with the most passive-aggressive “yeah” I’ve ever heard in my life. Iconic. I’d like to bottle the sound of that “yeah” and make it my ringtone for all eternity. But now, Madi’s gotta face the music of her decision. And by “music” I mean Barb. 

Wowwww, okay. A turtleneck for a brunch in Australia?? I feel like this will already be strike one in Barb’s book. She looks like she grew up in that town in Footloose for god’s sake. 

Okay, Madison is NOT happy. She’s clearly still not over Peter sleeping with other women during fantasy suites week, and she’s not afraid to slut shame him in front of his family’s hotel room while she’s at it.

PETER’S FAMILY WATCHING THIS ARGUMENT THROUGH THE BLINDS RN:

She tells Peter how disappointed she is in his actions and honestly, I think it’s really f*cked up. She just said yes to him at the rose ceremony! Maybe table this “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” speech until after you’ve met his family.

And, look, I know I got a lot of heated comments defending Madison in my fantasy suites recap last week, and it’s not that I think she’s wrong per se. I actually think no one did anything wrong in this situation, and I’m proud of Madison for standing up for herself and holding true to her convictions. I know I rib on Madison a lot but she’s allowed to give sex ultimatums and save herself for marriage! Just like Peter is allowed to explore anal play with Victoria F in the fantasy suites! I just don’t think she properly explained her feelings about sex and intimacy to Peter before he decided to sleep with other people. I think if he had known the true extent of her feelings towards sex (aka that she’s a virgin until marriage) he would have either cut Madison completely or not slept with those other women. 

Also, I know I said this last recap, but Sweetest Betch has brought it to my attention again in our Bachelor group chat: I’m absolutely appalled and horrified by these spider lashes Madison’s got going on. Talk about a crime against humanity. I guess she was too busy promising her virginity to Jesus to watch a f*cking YouYube tutorial. Not a good enough excuse, Madison!

PETER: You just have to meet me halfway, Madi. Just let me put it in a little.

PACHI! You know her youth pastor warned her all about “just the tip”!

I can tell Madison has put this little tiff behind her when they start nuzzling noses like there’s no tomorrow. Careful, Peter. This might be the only friction you experience for a while. Better enjoy the moment while you can!

Peter is apparently taking his conversation with Madi to heart because he keeps his tongue and his hands to himself while in front of his parents. How kind of you, Pete.

OMG. DID HIS DAD JUST ASK THEM WHAT THEIR BIGGEST ROADBLOCK IS AND SHE SAID HIS SON’S SEX LIFE. I’m dead. Deceased. You can write in my obituary that cause of death was “Pachi’s shame” because life isn’t gonna get any better than this moment right here. 

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These parents know way too much about their son’s sexual history and I’m officially uncomfortable. #thebachelor #thebachelorfinale #bachelor #bachelormemes #bachelorabc #bachelornation

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I have never, in my entire 28 years of life, said the word “sex” more than three times in my parent’s presence, AND YET Peter’s family is over here analyzing what sex positions Madi might be into after marriage. Is this appropriate lunch conversation right now, Weber family? Hmm?

Peter must have warned Barb about Madison being religious, because for this meet-and-greet she decides to wear a sensible cardigan set. She tells Madison that she’s also religious but, like, usually after a bottle of pinot, ya feel me? Honestly, I’m feeling Barb’s energy on an elemental level rn. We are soul sisters.  

BARB: You know Peter likes to… socialize. He parties. He’s a partier. HE LIKES TO F*CK.

Okay, woooooow. Peter’s mom is COMING for Madison over this sex ultimatum. Can you imagine meeting your boyfriend’s parents for the first time and having them grill you about how you’ll pleasure him in the bedroom?? Barb! You can’t just ask these things!! 

I’m  actually really impressed with how well Madison is holding her own with these people. She’s clearly not one to talk much about her sex life with others, and here she is having to defend her hymen over family brunch. It’s a different kind of pass the plate then the one you’re used to, huh Madi?

As soon as Madison leaves the house Barb immediately bursts into tears, and she does know the telenovela auditions were weeks ago, right? Also, it’s starting to become abundantly clear why Peter is always falling for head cases with a mother like that. 

Peter's Mom

I love how Barbra absolutely SKEWERS Madison for being religious and then turns around and is like, “well I prayed and God says it’s Hannah Ann, Peter. Sorry.” Not sure that’s how it works, Barb, but okay.

Damn, Peter’s family are real advocates for his dick, aren’t they? Peter’s brother keeps talking about how challenging Madison’s virginity is as if he wrote the Kama Sutra himself. Lol, k. I’m sorry, Peter’s brother, but I just can’t take you seriously when you’re wearing those capri leggings! 

I think what Peter’s family is trying to explain to him—and are failing miserably at doing—is that they’re worried Peter and Madi come from two very different backgrounds. His family seems to be really comfortable talking about sex and being physically intimate around others (just ask Hannah Ann’s elbow). Meanwhile, Madison’s family still believes in things like dowries and the closest they’ve ever been to discussing genitalia in front of each other was that one time they gave Madison “the talk” and said it had to do with her bathing suit parts. Neither is wrong, btw, but touch and intimacy are important cornerstones in any relationship, and if you’re going to marry someone you should really be on the same page. It’s a valid point, even if they’re not explaining it right. 

PETER: I don’t know what to do.
PETER’S DAD: Choose Hannah Ann
PETER’S BROTHER: Choose Hannah Ann
BARB:  BRING HER HOME, PACHI!!

bring her home

I’m sorry, but if another man ever says I’m dramatic again, I’m going to point to this moment in history right here. 

Cut to the next day, and Peter is dead set on making this Madi thing work. It’s like how my mother always said I was never allowed to get a body piercing or she wouldn’t pay for my college, and then I got my bellybutton pierced on spring break in Daytona Beach. Barb, you should have said you approved of Madison and then he would have been all into Hannah Ann!!

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SAVAGE 😂 #bachelorabc #thebachelorette #finale #funny #bachelornation🌹 #thebachelorette #thebachelorabc #thebachelor #bachelornation #bachelorette #drama #pilotpete #petethepilot #bachelorabc #bachelormemes #willyouacceptthisrose #gameofroses🌹 #lies #fake #bachelormonday #savage #sex

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To prove to Madison that he’s also down with Jesus, he decides to fly her to a sacred rock in Australia. He’s like “Oh, you’re into religion? Let me tell you about this rock I know!!!” I’m sure she knows all about it, Peter. This rock was definitely on one of the pamphlets her youth pastor passed around to give the kids tips on how to turn the indigenous people to Christianity during her 8th grade mission trip. 

Lol, she’s dumping him over sparkling apple juice?? Just kill yourself now, Peter. 

Madison says part of being a fighter is knowing when to surrender and she never meant to start a war, she just wanted him to let her in. Or was that the chorus to “Wrecking Ball”? Honestly, I drifted off there for a minute so it’s hard to tell. 

Peter is all but begging her to stay with him. He drank sparkling apple juice for you, Madison! And didn’t even wince while he did it! What more do you want from him??

They touch foreheads just long enough to make me truly uncomfortable and then Madison and her spider lashes ride off into the outback for a final time. Sad!

Peter Tries To Make Lemonade Out Of Lemons A Sonic Model

After Madi self-eliminates, we’re treated to a montage of Peter moping around the Australian Best Western. He’s like “Chris, I said never surrender and I surrendered!!” Meanwhile, throughout this entire conversation. Chris Harrison is just looking at him like all he just wanted directions to the breakfast bar, but fine. Could be worse, Chris, he could have jumped a fence!

I guess Peter’s going to suck it up and go through the motions with Hannah Ann because he shows up to their day date looking only slightly depressed. If Hannah Ann has been on any dates that originated from Hinge, then I’m sure she’s used to that look of mild dejection. It’s the way every modern day love story truly begins. 

They go play with baby kangaroos, and is it just me or does that baby Kangaroo look older than Hannah Ann? Again, I’d like to see some I.D. here please.

PETER: I’m so glad you’re here, it just means so much to me.
HANNAH ANN:

Hannah Ann

HAHAHAHA. Yeah, that look definitely says she’s there because she wants to be and not at all because she’s being held against her will by production to finish this season out. 

Is this Hannah Ann’s final rose ceremony dress?? Since when are you allowed to show your kneecaps on engagement day?? I suppose she did say she was going to do “everything she could” to get there with Peter. I just thought she meant sharing fun childhood stories to strengthen their emotional bond, not sharing the contour she did on her boobs. 

Meanwhile, Peter shows up to this date looking like he just got shoved into a locker. Peter’s like, “I’ve never doubted anything with you except our entire future together, you know?” He tells her that his heart is being pushed into two different directions as Hannah Ann fights the urge to tell him that’s fine, she’s only here because her agent said it would look good on her resume. 

I love that she tells him she’s at her breaking point and he smirks at her …? God, this girl has never seen a real breaking point before. If your breaking point involves a Revolve bandage dress and contoured boobs, then it’s not your true breaking point. Try riding the M train shoved against someone wondering aloud what color we see when we die, and then talk to me about breaking points, Hannah Ann!!

Also, like what does Peter expect to get out of this conversation except another girl self-eliminating? He basically told her he loves another girl TO HER FACE. Hell would have to freeze over before I’d say yes to an engagement the day after a conversation like this. 

And that’s all she wrote, kids! See you tomorrow night for part two of the thrilling season finale where we’ll finally find out if Peter ends up with anything other than the gaping wound on his forehead. Until then!

Images: Giphy (4); @shesallbach /Instagram (1); @bachelorfreaks /Instagram (1); ABC (2)

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Scar On Madi’s Heart Is Bigger Than The One On Pete’s Head

Presented by SkinnyPop

Welcome back to this crazy roller coaster ride we call The Bachelor! You know, if roller coasters ended with someone being legally shackled to the toothless man who runs pilots it. (See what I did there?) All I have to say is, strap in kids, because sh*t is about to get wild this week with the Fantasy Suite dates. If you’ll recall, last Monday, Peter went to Kelsey, Hannah Ann, Madison, and Victoria’s hometowns. My favorite part was when he got to swear up and down to their families that he would cherish their daughters and never ever hurt them in any way, only to break that promise at the very next rose ceremony when he dumped one of them because they didn’t seem as bangable. You love to see it.

Which brings us to this week: Peter is living the high life. He now has three beautiful women ready and willing to get engaged for the Instagram likes: Victoria, Hannah Ann, and Madison. After cheers-ing to future windmill fun, Madi asks if she can steal him for a sec. Uh-oh, is she finally going to come clean and tell Peter that the furthest she’s ever gone is with the tampon her friend Gina peer pressured her into wearing in the 11th grade? In hindsight, that Mother Teresa neckline of a jumpsuit should have been a clear indicator to Peter has to how this conversation was about to go. 

PETER: You’re scaring me, what’s going on?
MADI: Oh my gosh no!! Don’t be scared!! I just don’t want you to sleep with anyone else or we’re through, okay!!
PETER:

Woooooow. So she’s not even going to tell Peter that she’s saving herself for marriage?? She says that sex is a big deal to her and huge part of her faith and that she’d be upset if he was intimate with others. What she doesn’t say is that she’s a virgin and if he sleeps with other women then she’s out. These are all things she says to the cameras in her interview afterward, but she really should have told Peter face-to-face. If she’s expecting him to be able to read between the lines, then she’s about to be SORELY mistaken. 

Peter’s like “so how far am I allowed to go exactly? Just the tip or…?” It’s good to know your boundaries, Pete! 

You can tell Peter left that conversation with absolutely no clarity. He walks Madi back to the other women, takes one large sigh, and looks longingly at Victoria F, like he knows he might never be able to find out what brand of crazy that girl is in the bedroom. He’s like “It’s tough because …. I was planning to bang all of them!” We know Peter. We know. 

We learn that for the Fantasy Suite portion of the season Peter and his co-pilots are headed to beautiful, sunny Gold Coast, Australia! I’m half convinced production only chose this locale so they could pan the camera back and forth between a koala the most sexual creature on the planet and Peter. Subtle. On the plus side, if they’re in Australia at least ABC won’t be tempted to create a date scenario that forces Peter to wear another culture’s identity like an uncomfortable second skin. 

PETER: G’day sheilas!!!

Christ. I should have known. 

Peter, a man wearing head-to-toe khaki, tells us that he’s very worried about juggling three women in the bedroom, and I love that he’s just totally going to ignore Madison’s ultimatum and see what happens. This is a strategy best used when your boss tells you that no, National Frozen Foods Day is not a holiday with paid time off, and, no, you absolutely cannot have it off to eat a Costco-sized frozen pizza after giving only one day’s notice, but you do it anyway to “see what happens.” Doesn’t feel like a great strategy to play with someone who believes in things like the rapture but, sure, by all means, let’s see how this one plays out, Peter. 

Okay, production is a messy bitch for making them all room together during Fantasy Suite week, a first in Bachelor history. So what? They just get to walk of shame home to the communal hotel suite? And then make small talk about how great Australia is as if they all haven’t seen Peter’s penis?

THE GIRLS TO EACH OTHER AFTER ANY OF THEIR OVERNIGHT DATES:

Hannah Ann’s Date

Peter looks f*cking miserable as he greets all the ladies in their communal suite. Seventh years at Hogwarts get more privacy in their living situations for god’s sake! How is he supposed to test each relationship’s flexibility in bed intimacy if they’re all going to gossip to each other about it afterward?

Hannah Ann is up first for the fantasy suite dates, and this feels like the right placement. Victoria F would have been too much of a wild card, and Madison would’ve had to FaceTime Chad and her youth pastor during dinner to see if drinking pink moscato counts as experimenting with hard liquor. No, it’s best to start off on a high note. 

I love how Peter’s like “let’s only talk in an Australian accent today” and Hannah Ann uses that as an invitation to treat the date like an audition for future commercial work. I hope her agent is filming this monologue from the bushes!

Hannah Ann asks Peter if he’s ready, but ready for what exactly? I’m sure she meant that suggestively, but I have a feeling the kinkiest this girl gets is a BJ during daylight hours. Offering to blow someone doesn’t make you a master at seduction, Hannah Ann!

Hannah Ann tells Peter that whatever happens this week, she’s here for him, and you can tell he’s just relieved to not have to deal with another sex ultimatum. Speaking of the virgin, back at the hotel, Madison tells Victoria about how she’s uncomfortable with Peter sleeping with the other women.  If she’s looking for support, she’s barking up the wrong tree. The only thing Victoria has ever abstained from was using condoms.

VICTORIA: You need to test drive the car before you purchase you know?
ALSO VICTORIA:

Meanwhile, Hannah Ann says that tonight is a big night for her and Peter’s relationship and that’s why she showed up dressed in my grandmother’s curtains. Revolve’s brand partnership person must be SHAKING. They sent her an entire free wardrobe and on the sex date she chooses the one garment they designed for the fun aunts of the world??

HANNAH ANN: When I let someone in, I let them ALL in.

Okay, I know I was joking before, but she really is talking about a blowjob there. 

Alright, Hannah Ann is pushing a liiiiittle too hard for Peter to f*ck other girls. She’s like “I don’t care if you explore other options here, by all means PLEASE explore your options. Seriously. Please. Please don’t pick me.” Chill, girl. You’re showing your hand. 

Oh Jesus Christ, please tell me that’s not another note from one of their diaries. I can’t take one more love letter where they compliment each other’s giggles. Okay, PHEW, it’s just the fantasy suite date card. Hannah Ann accepts Peter’s invitation to spend the night, but very reluctantly. Seriously, she seems way more into that hot tub than wanting to see the bedroom.

Okay, ENOUGH Hannah Ann! The producers told you to act like you’re into Peter, not re-create the goddamn Titanic. Please.

I’m just not sure Hannah Ann and Peter did the deed. Like, if I were to rate their night on a movie scale, I’d give it a PG-13 rating: lots of heavy panting and maybe Peter got to see some side boob. BUT THAT’S IT.

The next morning, Hannah Ann heads back to her shared room with the other ladies and it is awkwardddddd. I love that to combat the weirdness of all of them sleeping with the same man they just profusely compliment each other. “You look so tan and skinny lovey! Omg you’re glowing, cutie! I’m obsessed with that dress, girlie!” Stop it. Just ask her how hairless the rest of Peter’s body is and be done with it!

Victoria’s Date

I can’t wait to see how Victoria’s date compares to the one Peter just had with Hannah Ann. Hannah Ann looks like the type to cry softly during penetration, while Victoria looks like the type to incorporate knives into foreplay. Good luck, Pachi!

Peter keeps saying that Victoria “fights” for their love, and he must mean that literally, because that’s all they actually do. Peter, I know you think this is going to translate into hot sex, but I worry that Victoria’s idea of adding “kink” to the bedroom involves choking you until you pass out and then stealing your identity and all of your credit cards. I’m just saying!

They spend the day taking scenic helicopter rides and hiking near waterfalls, and this is how I know she’s truly a psycho—because she dressed for a hike in booty shorts. It’s clear this woman has never had a thigh rub together in her entire life. Talk to me when you have real problems, Victoria. 

VICTORIA: Once I’m invested in someone it’s game over. Literally. I ruin their marriages and set fire to their happiness. Lol I’m so random!
ME:

Back at the harem, Madi tells Hannah Ann about her ultimatum and once again, I don’t think she’s explaining this right. She’s like “I could never forgive him if he slept with someone else” as Hannah Ann tries to disintegrate into the couch cushions. 

HANNAH ANN: So, if I tell her I slept with Peter she might leave and I’ll have a better chance of ending up with him?
ALSO HANNAH ANN: *stays completely silent* 

I see right through you, girlfriend!

Hannah Ann during that whole conversation with Madison #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/kDxP2c8xL8

— Another Bachelor Account (@BachelorTweets4) February 25, 2020

I can’t believe Peter and Victoria are not going to acknowledge the ruined marriages elephant in the room. They keep dancing around the topic but he hasn’t out-right confronted her about the homewrecking rumors, and I hate that. I get that for legal reasons they probably can’t get into the whole scandal, and I’m sure those wronged women don’t want to be further humiliated on national television, but all of this vagueness is pissing me off. 

Peter keeps saying he believes Victoria’s side of things and it’s like, what else do you believe Peter? That there’s a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow?? Honestly, the only thing more toxic than this relationship is the water in my Keurig tank. Open your eyes, man!

Victoria says that in her past relationships she didn’t feel “good enough” and I would imagine it’s hard not to feel that way when your boyfriend goes back to his wife. Apparently, this is all Peter needs to hear to forgive Victoria for acting like a sociopath in Virginia Beach. They head to their fantasy suite and I’m half expecting him to take her to the exact room he slept with Hannah Ann in. I mean, they’re all sharing a girls’ suite, so why not a boom-boom room too?

Cut to the next morning, and Peter is looking at Victoria like she is the first girl to ever teach him about him about the male g-spot. Honestly, she looks like the type who’d be into male anal play. It’s that twinkle in her eye.  

Madison’s Date

Moving on! Last up, we have Madison, and I love the strategic placement of this date. Peter went from being lightly choked the night before to whatever wholesome adventure Madi has in store from him today.

Um, MADISON. Does The Lord approve of this crop top? Peter’s hands are dangerously close to that millimeter of skin you’re showing. What would Chad say?!

I love how every other fantasy date has involved activities that require bikinis and short shorts, and meanwhile Madison is wearing a suit that covers every inch of visible skin. Subtle, ABC. 

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Flying high 🥰 #TheBachelor

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Okay, WHAT. She’ll hike up this creaky ladder thousands of feet in the air but she won’t put out?? Clearly, her priorities are mixed up. Production must be hoping an adrenaline rush will jumpstart her libido or something. Nice try, ABC!

Fast-forward to the dinner portion of the evening, and Madison finally tells Peter that she’s saving herself for marriage. Peter visibly gulps when he hears the news. You can tell he was wishing she was just super jealous or something and insecure about him sleeping with other women. 

She says that she wouldn’t feel comfortable getting engaged to a man who has slept around with other women. Her speech comes off very well-spoken and logical. While I’m sure it’s gotten her a lot of fans on social media, this whole thing feels very manipulative to me. Look, I’m not saying you can’t be a virgin until marriage or that there’s anything wrong with having these morals and standards for your significant other, but then don’t go on this show. It’s not fair to Peter or the process. And certainly don’t wait to spill all of this information until Peter has no one left but a Sonic waitress and the most hated woman in Virginia Beach. No one wants their boyfriend sleeping with other women a week before they get engaged, BUT THAT IS THIS SHOW. Welcome to Mike Fleiss’ hellscape! This is what you signed up for!

Moreover, she didn’t clearly explain ANY of this to Peter during that last rose ceremony. You can’t say something isn’t an ultimatum and then take it back when you don’t get your way. I think if he knew the virgin thing he wouldn’t have been “intimate” with the others, but he didn’t have the context for her demands.

Holy sh*t. Madison walks out of dinner and Peter starts openly weeping. You can tell he’s wishing he never let Victoria F stick that finger up his butt last night. He goes out to go comfort a crying Madi and there is far too much forehead touching for my comfort levels.

Was it worth it, Peter? Was it?!

Madi’s like “I can’t change who I am! I can’t change that I have a hymen!” And she’s right. She can’t change that she’s a virgin or that she has these standards in place for herself. But there’s no place for that on this den of sin otherwise known as The Bachelor, OKAY. 

Things end on a rocky note, with Madison leaving a tearful Peter to contemplate his life decisions. You can tell he’s wondering if missionary in the dark with Hannah Ann or climaxing at gunpoint with Victoria F was really worth sacrificing the one relationship he actually cared about. We’ll have to wait until next week to see how that cookie crumbles. Until then, kids!

Images: Giphy (4); ABC (2); @bachelorabc /Instagram (1); @bachelortweets4 /Twitter (1); 

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Hometown Meltdowns

Presented by SkinnyPop

Happy Hometowns week, Bachelor fam! This is the fun part of every season where the lead tries to pretend that they might actually move to a town that only just got a Walmart last year. Lol, k. It’s LA or die, you aren’t fooling anyone! It’s also the most telling part of each season. Right now what we know about these women is only what they’ve shown us, and what they’ve shown us is that they probably have surgically enhanced bone structures and can contour within an inch of their lives. During Hometowns we get to see what their original noses looked like, meet the people who caused their deep emotional trauma that eventually drove them to sign up for a reality dating show, and find out who should start with their anti-aging skin care regimen right away. So, let’s get started then! 

Hannah Ann’s Hometown

Up first we have Hannah Ann’s Hometown in Knoxville. If you’ll recall, this is where all the modeling magic happens: from her parent’s basement in a town in Tennessee that is not Nashville. What fortuitous timing that she would look for “love” on a show where there have been multiple opportunities for her to work with brands who used to always pretend like they didn’t know Knoxville’s zip code. I can’t wait for her parents to whip out a scrapbook of all her past modeling gigs and watch Peter agree that, yes, Hannah Ann really does have the perfect face for an Applebee’s franchise. Carry on.

PROBABLY HANNAH ANN’S MODELING LOOK BOOK: 

Hannah Ann tells Peter that her dad works in lumber and she needs to see if he’s man enough like her dad. I’m going to go ahead and save you the suspense, Hannah Ann: he’s not. The man showed up to meet your family in skinny jeans, for Christ’s sake.

They go axe throwing before meeting the parents and I love that they immediately put Peter in a situation where he could get another serious head injury. He just got that bandaid off, you guys!! 

Also, how is axe throwing going to prove that Peter is man enough for her? This feels like a loose connection. In my experience, axe throwing is something drunk girls do at breweries to pass the time between drinking ciders and taking boomerangs. How does this prove he’s a man exactly?

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Will Ranger Rick (my dad) give Pilot Pete the axe tonight? 💥🪓 ♥️

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Peter was so enamored by Hannah Ann’s note during the last group date that he decided to write one of his own. His isn’t pink or scented, but it does say that he enjoys her giggle and that he loves that she has a name for every dress she owns. Oh, Peter. Those aren’t names she came up with herself! Those are brands she’s contractually obligated to mention at least once a date! 

Peter is introduced to Hannah Ann’s family, and I love that these people get so emotional every time they see their son or daughter on this show. It’s like they know they’ve been held hostage and they’re glad to see they’re in one piece. You know, if they consider “one piece” gushing over a man who sometimes refers to himself as “pachi.” 

I would like to see more of this house. Hannah Ann still lives at home, right? I just get the feeling that her bedroom still has Justin Bieber posters on it. I can’t wait for her to show Peter and admit that tickets to the Purpose Tour was the best 13th birthday present ever. 

A girl wearing more body glitter than an entire Hannah Montana concert and a star necklace straight from Delia’s 2005 accessory bin asks Hannah Ann if she’s ready for marriage and THIS is how I know Hannah Ann is too young for marriage. Who are these people she associates with?? 

Peter sits down with Hannah Ann’s mom and I love how unsure she is about him. She’s like “where is your relationship at?” Well Mrs. Sluss, she’s one date away from getting f*cked by him in a three-star hotel, does that answer your question? I mean, sure, that’s not a great look, but your daughter also thinks she’s going to be a supermodel because the manager at Kohl’s told her so once. This isn’t the worst idea she’s ever had. 

PETER: I think I’m in love with your daughter.
HANNAH ANN’S DAD: I would ask that you just not. 

AHAHAHAHAHA. I WOULD ASK THAT YOU NOT. These are things that I say when my Uber driver tries to speak to me, these are not things you want your potential future father-in-law to tell you on your first meeting!! It’s not looking good for you, Peter!

Oh sh*t! He said “I’m falling for you” anyway! On their family porch and everything! Is nothing sacred to you, Peter?? 

Hannah Ann’s father after hearing Peter express he’s falling in love with her 2 seconds after he told him not to say it unless he means it #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/75ZctY9fIy

— 🌹 (@tvgoldtweets) February 18, 2020

Kelsey’s Hometown

Kelsey’s up next and she tells Peter that he better be ready to get “down and dirty” in Des Moines, Iowa. I’m not sure what this means, but I can’t wait to see what she and the Iowa tourist board have come up with to make this place seem interesting. 

Of course Kelsey’s date involves alcohol. God, I love her. Kelsey paints a picture for Peter that makes Iowa sound like a mecca for art and culture and a place known for its wine-making. And here I thought the only things Iowa was know for were its corn mazes and f*cking us all over in primary elections. Huh. 

Part one of their date involves them crushing their own grapes with their feet, but it’s unclear as to what the purpose of this is. Surely they aren’t making their own wine with those grapes? Because the grapes on the vines in the background aren’t even ripe yet, so you know the ABC interns just filled that bathtub up with whatever the Des Moines Costco carried in bulk. 

Now i get why Kelsey went bonkers about the Champagne, she made it herself. 🤔 #thebachelor pic.twitter.com/4tKtP1ocVE

— Katie Ann (@Kate50646534) February 18, 2020

Part two of their date takes them to a wine-tasting! They’ll be tasting various wines so they can make their own special wine to take to dinner at Kelsey’s parents’ house. Once again, Kelsey makes this all sound very sophisticated when in reality she probably just wanted to get day drunk with her boyfriend. I see right through you, girlie. She’s like “here’s a symbol of our love” and it’s a bottle of what I’m guessing is red moscato. 

Overall, I find this date to be very cute and I’m not just saying that because it’s inspired me to open a second bottle of wine tonight. I actually find Kelsey to be really genuine and sweet, but I just don’t think Peter is into her. Case in point: when Kelsey tells Peter she loves him, he doesn’t say it back. He even gave ole Ranger Rick a half-hearted “I’m falling for you” but he can’t give Kelsey the same?? Wow.

My first reaction when I see Kelsey’s family is that they’re beautiful and not at all surprised or uncomfortable about having a camera crew in their home. This doesn’t feel like the house of horrors she described during her one-on-one. How pissed do you think ABC is to find that her family found healthy coping mechanisms for their pain? Where are the broken dreams and blatant displays of abandonment issues? This is not the hometown date they were promised!

Peter sits down with Kelsey’s mother, and I can already tell you this isn’t going to end well. He’s talking to a woman scorned and she’s supposed to be impressed by a guy who wears skinny jeans and says things like “Barthelona” in casual conversation? Nah, I don’t think so. Drag his assssss, hunnie. 

Meanwhile, Kelsey sits down with her stepdad to hash out her feelings for Peter. She says she doesn’t want to get her heart broken again and this guy is nodding like a man whose biggest tragedy in life is that the Vineyard Vines President’s Day sale ran out of his size.

Guys, I feel bad for Kelsey! Peter leaves her with a very half-hearted “I love that you love me” speech and I just have a very bad feeling about all of this. Kelsey is so great! I mean, yes, there was that one time she took a bottle of red to the face and cried alone by a pool, but WHO AMONG US HASN’T DONE THAT. Do better, Peter! Do Better.

Madison’s Hometown

Next on Peter’s bus tour of America is Madison’s hometown of Auburn, Alabama! Madi tells Peter she’s going to take him someplace that’s really important to her, and I’m hoping for all of our sakes it’s not a bible study class. 

She actually takes him to Auburn’s basketball stadium where they play a little pickup game of basketball. How fun that she gets to take him on a date where she gets to do what she does best! If this were me, I’d have taken him to a bar to see how well he can mock and verbally spar with the other patrons. Some people are good at sports, others are good at alienating people—we all have our special talents! 

Peter meets Madison’s family, and I’m immediately alarmed by what her dad looks like. Is this the real Benjamin Button?? How can he possibly be old enough to have a child?? My alarm only grows when they all sit down to dinner. It’s announced that Madi’s family likes to do a fun thing called “the special plate” where they go around the table and compliment Madi. 

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Hit me with that special plate any day. #thebachelor (@kayyorkcity)

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Yeah, my family does a similar thing, but instead of showering me with praise and adoration it’s more like they berate me for my life choices until I’m rocking back and forth in a ball under the table. 

MADISON’S FAMILY: We cheers with sweet tea!
PETER:

Mtv Lauren GIF by The Hills - Find & Share on GIPHY

Okay, that is a red flag if I’ve ever seen one. I can deal with racist uncles and my grandma asking about my love life and my baby cousin announcing her engagement before I have a chance to announce that my dog likes to wear sweaters now, but I what I absolutely cannot deal with are dry family occasions. I won’t do it and you can’t make me!

So Madison IS saving herself for marriage?? What does that mean exactly? Like, is it a “just the tip” situation or is she the type that still wears maxi pads because she’s afraid of dishonoring the Lord by piercing her hymen with a tampon? I. need. more. answers! 

Oh, OF COURSE her dad’s name is Chad. He really looks like the Chaddiest Chad I’ve ever seen.

MADISON’S DAD: When you were a baby I prayed that one day you might find a husband.

Why do I feel like this guy has to think dowries are still a thing?

Peter says he loves Madison, and this is huge. He’s only ever said “I’m falling in love” not that he’s actually in love. I feel like if he knew the truth about her virginity, he would be singing a different tune… 

Also, I love that Peter thinks he’s on the same page as this girl. That basketball coach legit said Madi made the final four that year. THAT MEANS SHE WAS IN COLLEGE STILL THIS YEAR. You can’t be on the same page as a recent college graduate unless you’re learning that your email signature isn’t supposed to include an inspirational quote from Audrey Hepburn. You just can’t. 

Victoria’s Hometown

I love that they start the hometown date that production has teased as being the seventh circle of hell, with footage of Victoria’s adorable black lab. You know that was the only decent footage they could find of Victoria from that entire date. 

Victoria tells Peter she wants to show him the “charm” of Virginia Beach, and apparently that charm includes another musical number by none other than… Chase Rice?! Kidding! It’s just Hunter Hayes, but you can tell Peter is still traumatized because he’s looking around like he’s waiting for someone to tell him Victoria’s f*cked this musician too. 

Hunter Hayes starts singing “I don’t want easy, I want crazy” and that feels like the most fitting song for this date. 

PETER: In Spanish that song would be called I want loco!!

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Spotted, @hunterhayes! 🤩🎶 #TheBachelor

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After they part ways before the dinner portion of the evening, Peter runs into an old pal at the concert. How crazy and unexpected this is! I love how shocked Peter is to see this girl as if production didn’t plant her there by giving her Peter’s exact coordinates. He’s like, “oh my god you live here?? You guys, she lives here!!” In other news, Peter, the sky is blue!! Is your foundation absolutely shaking??

This friend of Peter’s tells him that she’s also a friend of Victoria’s and that Victoria can’t be trusted. What I don’t understand is why ABC is even blurring out her face? We all saw her exclusive on People.com this week. Also, this encounter tells Peter nothing really. If you’ve been following this scandal closely then you know Victoria has been accused of sleeping with the married men of Virginia Beach (among other problematic things). And yet, all we’re getting out of this friend is “don’t trust her.” I’ve been more descriptive in a Venmo request. Come on, Merissa, you can do better than that. 

Obviously this vague, but foreboding message still has Peter on edge even as he gets ready to meet her family for the first time. His anxiety must show because he takes one step out of the Uber and already Victoria is jumping down Peter’s throat about something seeming “off” about him. Uh-oh. Looks like Peter’s in another mood, Victoria!!

PETER: I heard this rumor that you break up people’s marriages in your spare time. Is that true?
VICTORIA: That’s offensive.
ALSO VICTORIA: But which couple did she say it was…?

Peter’s like “do you ever fight for anything?” and it’s like, Peter, she’s been fighting to get kicked off this show for actual weeks now. I thought you knew this! 

I can’t even take this argument seriously because all she does is mumble and cry. He keeps asking her to fight for them and she keeps telling him to leave. This feels like a clear sign that Peter should dump her right here and now. There is nothing redeemable about this girl, Peter!!

Okay, so wait. Did they just break up? I’m confused. Their argument ends pretty abruptly with Peter getting into the limo and leaving the date early. He doesn’t even meet her family! 

Back at his hotel, Peter says he’s really conflicted. On the one hand, he doesn’t like what he’s heard about Victoria from his own trusted source, but on the other hand he’d still like to f*ck her. I think this is what they call a “Sophie’s Choice.” 

Victoria shows up to Peter’s hotel and I’m not surprised in the least. I’ve heard she’s familiar with the hotel scene in Virginia Beach…

She’s trying to convince Peter to give them another shot while at the same time neither confirming nor denying any of the rumors. She is a master manipulator, I will give her that. Meanwhile, Peter is bringing up some great points about how they have no communication skills and this relationship is definitely doomed in the long run. I still think he’ll pick her. 

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Love is blind! . . . . . . #pilotpete #themeshtv #podcast #mostdramaticseason #thebachelor #thebachelorabc #bachelornation #bachelormonday #willyouacceptthisrose #bachelormemes #bachelorpodcast #realitysteve #peterweber

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VICTORIA: I don’t even know. I can’t, like, let you go.
PETER: You literally told me to leave?

Yes, she did!! Also, why aren’t they talking about the accusations? There’s no mention of her mistress extracurricular activities, and I feel like that should be mentioned here.  

As Victoria leaves his hotel room she makes one final plea for Peter’s heart: she slips him a wallet sized nude picture of their WestWorld cosplay. Interesting choice. If she really wanted to catch his attention, perhaps she could have just answered his question directly, but this tracks too.

The Rose Ceremony

For the rose ceremony the ladies are, of course, meeting up at an airplane hangar. WE GET IT, ABC. He’s a pilot. Enough. I beg of you. 

Peter starts things off by saying that this has been a particularly rough week for him. He’s like, “some of you were able to give me a lot more than others, like an actually dinner with your family.” Whoaaaa. Low blow, Peter. Low blow.

HE CHOOSES VICTORIA! WHAT!!! My married friend who has watched approximately three episodes of this show ever just got up from my couch and said: “I’m going home to finish this bottle of wine, he deserves to die alone, goodbye.” GOODBYE. 

He legit looks so miserable giving that rose to Victoria. It’s like someone threatened to blow up one of those planes so he had to do it. Anything for the planes!

I feel so bad for Kelsey, oh my god. And he doesn’t even have a legit reason for it. He’s just like “I wasn’t there with you yet.” 

ME: 

YOU COWARD!! She said she loved you and you chose a girl whose past is sketchier than some of the clothing vendors on Amazon! Kelsey, girl, I would pour one out for you, but I know how much you’d hate that. Here’s hoping we see more of you!

And that’s a wrap for Hometowns, kids! We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Madison finally address the hymen elephant in the room and finally tells Peter her secret. I’m sure he’ll handle it with as much grace and maturity as he did all of those windmill jokes. Until then!

For more on Peter’s hometowns, check out the latest episode of Betchelor Center:

Images: ABC; Giphy (2); @thebachelor, @thebetchelor, @mydadwatchesthebachelor /Instagram; @tvgoldtweets, @kate50646534 / Twitter

Madison From ‘The Bachelor’ Got Caught Running Her Own Fan Account

We’re only one week into the new season of The Bachelor, and I already can’t keep up with these girls. I don’t know if this premiere week has been messier than usual, but it feels like there is just so much to talk about. Already, we’ve broken down Hannah Ann’s suspicious background and Maurissa’s date with Mike Johnson, and today it’s Madison’s turn in the hot seat. Pretty much every Bachelor contestant has exhibited cringeworthy behavior on Instagram at one point or another, but Madison’s is… something else.

On this week’s premiere, she emerged as an early frontrunner when she was chosen for the first one-on-one date of the season. She and Peter seemed to vibe pretty well, and even without spoilers, it’s not hard to guess that she’ll be around for a while. On Tuesday morning after the premiere aired, she posted a photo from her date with Peter, saying that it was “the most perfect date with the perfect guy.” I can’t wait to see how that caption ages if she doesn’t end up winning the show, but that’s not what’s important here.

You’ll notice below that there’s a super sweet comment on the photo, saying that Madison’s date was “beautiful,” and that she’s “so genuine and real.” The problem? The comment came FROM MADISON.

That’s right—Madison is SO genuine and real that she’s giving herself compliments on her own public Instagram post. We love a humble queen! I really can’t imagine a more genuine and real thing to do. But actually, this comment obviously wasn’t supposed to come from Madison’s own profile, so who was it supposed to come from?

The prevailing theory behind this is that Madison made a fan account for herself, and then forgot to switch to that account before commenting on her own photo. If this is the case, which seems likely, it’s sad and hilarious. Like, I don’t know how many of these women are out here making fan accounts for themselves, but if you’re going to be shady, you’ve got to be good at it! I’m logged into four different Instagram accounts because my job is just that important, and I double-check what account I’m on every single time I post something! It’s an easy mistake to make, but that just means you need to be careful.

After the comment got clocked by the entire internet, she deleted it, but it was too late. From there, she went into full damage control mode, and it didn’t go super well. She got her friend (sister? idk, the account has no info) to comment on photo, saying that the comment came from her, but she “was logged into Madi’s from when she got back from filming.” Um, yeah, I’m calling bullsh*t on that. According to spoilers, filming for Peter’s season ended in early November. As you may know, it’s now January, which means that even if Madison makes it to the end, she’s been back for a full two months.

Even if this other woman was running Madison’s Instagram while she was away, I don’t believe that she just hasn’t checked her own Instagram since November. Madison quickly responded, saying that “it happens” but like, does it? This explanation is shaky at best, and I’m disappointed that Madison couldn’t come up with something a little more convincing.

But this weird, bad cover-up has yet another layer, and it only gets more puzzling. After Madison’s friend or whoever took the blame, another account posted a story with more aggressive explanation of what allegedly happened here. The post explains that Madi’s “sisters has access to her account, and they commented.” Besides this being terrible grammar, I also don’t really get why her sisters would be just casually on her account. Whatever.

The most important thing is the account that posted this story: @teammadisonprewett. An actual fan account! While the account is anonymous, it was probably made by someone who knows Madison, because it was started the day ABC released contestant photos on Facebook back in September. Sure, it could have just been someone who wanted to hang onto the handle in case she made it far, but who else would make a fan account for someone based on one photo and a first name? This was way before we had any actual info about the contestants or the season. The account probably run by one of her sisters or something, if not Madison herself. Either way, giving the inside scoop on your Instagram f*ckup to a fan page for yourself isn’t the way to make people believe you. And also, the overly aggressive tone and capitalization screams middle school cyber bullying. Like nobody here is SPREADING lies, we’re just stating a logical explanation for what’s happening. And what’s more PATHETIC—pointing that out or running a fan Instagram for someone who won’t be relevant past August? Yeah, I’m convinced this is like, a younger sister or little cousin behind this account.

Naturally, Madison is getting trolled all over the internet about how “genuine and real” she is, and I’m mostly just disappointed that the whole season is filmed in advance, so Chris Harrison won’t get to make fun of her for it. Maybe in 2020, The Bachelor needs to happen in real time. Like, if I were Peter, I would want to know all the dirt that Reddit had dug up on my contestants, not just the two fun facts that the producers put on the bios. If I found out someone I was dating made a fake fan page for herself, that might actually affect my opinion of them!

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This is awkward. 👉🏽 swipe to see which girl is running her own fan account. #thebachelor

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But alas, Peter has already made his choices, so we just have to watch to see if Madison lets her desperation show in some other way while she’s in the house. I mean, all of these women are desperate, so she’ll probably still be fine either way. Isn’t this season fun!

Images: ABC; bachsleuthers, madiprew, thebetchelor / Instagram