As we’re all very aware, this is not a normal summer. As we do our part to minimize the spread of coronavirus, that means the majority of travel plans are not really an option right now. Depending on the situation where you live, you can hopefully plan some COVID-friendly weekend getaways—provided you follow state quarantine guidelines—but with a U.S. passport not worth the paper it’s printed on, your big international trip just isn’t happening this year.
We’ve all had to make massive adjustments this year, but if the hellscape of 2020 has proved anything, it’s that celebrities are not just like us. In March and April, most celebs were staying home like the rest of us, making cringeworthy PSA videos and entertaining us with concerts on Instagram Live. But nearly six months into the pandemic, celebrity behavior is a very mixed bag. While some are still hunkering down, others are a little too determined to get back to their normal lives.
While celebrities’ access to things like private planes and rapid test results certainly makes it easier for them to travel, there’s no way to fly around 100% safely right now. And beyond whatever risks these people are taking for themselves, they’re also setting a sh*tty example for their many followers. I don’t expect every celebrity to be a beacon of good judgment, but come on.
Dua Lipa & Anwar Hadid
I’m a huge fan of Dua Lipa personally, which is why I’ve been especially annoyed watching her fly around the world this summer. She and boyfriend Anwar Hadid have been together this whole time, starting with a few months of actual isolation at her home in London. They celebrated her album release and their one-year anniversary in quarantine, and were doing so well! But then at the beginning of July, Dua and Anwar flew to the Caribbean island of Saint Lucia for vacation. Dua captioned her first vacation post “island isolation,” so hopefully they were actually isolated while there, but they still went on vacation.
By mid-July, Dua and Anwar were in New York City, where they were photographed out and about numerous times—usually wearing masks, but not always. While on the east coast, the couple also spent time at Yolanda Hadid’s house in Pennsylvania, where they saw Bella and a very pregnant Gigi Hadid. Since the end of last month, they’ve been in LA, and they haven’t exactly been isolating. Dua posted a photo hanging out (indoors, no masks) with Miley Cyrus, and last week she celebrated her 25th birthday with a party. Dua!! Stop that!!
Rita Ora
Much like Dua Lipa, British singer Rita Ora spent the first few months of lockdown more or less in actual lockdown. She rented a house in the Cotswolds (major The Holiday vibes), and other than some bikini pics in nature, it didn’t seem like she was doing much. But just like Dua Lipa, she got bored of isolation sometime in June, and by the beginning of July, she was on vacation in Paris. Since then, she’s spent time at home in London, and more recently, she’s been on back-to-back holidays in Ibiza and Greece. I know the COVID travel situation is slightly different in Europe currently than in the U.S., but maybe this summer would be a good time to limit yourself to like, one beach vacation? Also, I know there’s more to do in Ibiza than just clubbing, but is it really worth it to go when the clubs aren’t even open?
Timothée Chalamet
Timothée Chalamet and Eiza Gonzalez vacationing in Mexico in the midst of a global pandemic! pic.twitter.com/JAAlvKAHsJ
— Timothée Chalamet Fans (@TimotheeUpdates) June 23, 2020
Timmy keeps a pretty low profile on social media, but paparazzi and fan photos have provided us with sporadic updates on his ever-changing pandemic whereabouts. He’s spent most of the last six months in New York, but in June, his trip to Mexico was major tabloid news. That’s mainly because he was spotted at a resort in Cabo getting close with Eiza González, the first time they were seen together. Earlier this month, he flew from the U.S. to Hungary, where postponed reshoots on the upcoming Dune movie were allowed to go forward. Americans still face strict restrictions when traveling to European countries including Hungary, but judging from the timeline here, it doesn’t appear Timothée quarantined for 14 days.
Kanye West
Kanye West has been in the news a lot this summer, but I’m surprised his traveling hasn’t gotten more attention. Last month, Kanye tweeted that he was running for President, and then made headlines for some questionable comments made at a rally in South Carolina. Kanye’s comments about Harriet Tubman and abortion raised a lot of eyebrows, but also… why was he in South Carolina? He doesn’t live there, and in terms of his Presidential campaign, he didn’t even meet requirements to be listed on the ballot there. He hasn’t hosted any more campaign rallies since then, but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t been traveling.
In the past month or so, Kanye has spent a lot of time at his ranch in Wyoming, where Kim flew to visit him from LA at the end of July (the whole family also went to Wyoming on a separate trip earlier this summer). But rather than just staying in Wyoming, the whole family went on vacation earlier this month, with E! News reporting that they spent time in an undisclosed tropical location. Again, I know these people fly private everywhere and probably have unlimited access to testing, but it’s still not a great look.
Kelly Dodd
A number of Real Housewives and Bravolebrities have exhibited some questionable judgment during the pandemic, but RHOC’s Kelly Dodd has undoubtedly been the worst of the bunch. Early in the pandemic, when New York was the global epicenter, she flew back and forth between NYC and California to spend time with her fiancé, Fox News host Rick Leventhal. At the time, she received major backlash for comments on Instagram about coronavirus being “God’s way of thinning the herd,” and her subsequent terrible takes on Black Lives Matter didn’t help her reputation in the Bravo community.
This summer, Kelly has been all over the place, taking a family vacation to Florida in June, and a trip to Mexico last week, in addition to traveling between New York and California. Earlier this summer, RHOC resumed filming for their 15th season, and despite half the cast contracting COVID-19, and their cast trip being cut short, Kelly somehow avoided getting sick. Kelly has posted about getting tested numerous times, at least, but it doesn’t make the traveling itself any less risky.
Bachelor Contestants
When comparing reality TV stars’ responses to the pandemic, Bachelor Nation manages to make the Real Housewives look like responsible members of society. The days of Tyler, Hannah, and Matt James at the quarantine house are long gone (and that was questionable to begin with, tbh). Since leaving that overcrowded house in Florida months ago, Hannah Brown has spent time at home in Alabama, and is now living in California.
Madison Prewett has also hopped around quite a bit. She spent the first few months with her family in Alabama, before heading to Atlanta for a couple weeks in June, where she hung out with fellow Bachelor alums (mask-free, naturally). In early July, she was in Los Angeles, where she hung out with Hannah Ann, before heading to Nashville by the end of the month (and maybe also back to Alabama, it’s honestly hard to keep track). Now, she’s back in LA, and she just had her hair done by the same woman who gives frightening extensions to the likes of Amanda Stanton, Corinne Olympios, and Kim Zolciak Biermann.
I try not to keep tabs on too many Bachelor Nation people for fear that I will actually lose my mind, but suffice it to say that Hannah and Madi are not the only two Bachelor alums that have been a few too many places this summer.
Justin Bieber
Justin and Hailey started out their quarantine at their lake house in Canada, which is kind of the perfect place to be isolated for a while. But, like everyone else on this list, the whole “quarantine” thing pretty much lost meaning after a few months, and the Biebers have done quite a bit of traveling since then. For much of the summer, they’ve road tripped in an RV together, which is better than flying, but it’s not like they’ve been isolated on their travels. They went to Chicago, where they hung out with Chance the Rapper, they’ve had people on their boat, and recently, Justin has posted pictures from multiple different group dinners. Overall, Justin and Hailey aren’t the worst on this list, but they’re also doing more than they need to be.
In general, it’s frustrating that people with influence are so blatantly flaunting their privilege at a time when people are losing loved ones to COVID and struggling from the economic impacts of the pandemic. There’s no such thing as risk-free travel right now, and these people are taking those risks a little too lightly.
Images: Featureflash Photo Agency / Shutterstock.com; dualipa, ritaora, kellyddodd, madiprew, hairby_chrissy, justinbieber / Instagram; TimotheeUpdates / Twitter
Last week, Peter Weber finally revealed that he and Kelley Flanagan are dating. With a picture of them on a plane, no less, just in case you didn’t remember him screaming in our faces every week “I’M A PILOT, THAT MEANS I’M SEXY” and “WATCH HOW I MOVE MY HIPS DURING THIS SALSA DANCE.” Oh sorry, that last one had nothing to do with this photo. Peter’s finale was on March 9th, which means literally no time has passed since the season ended, because time doesn’t count when you’re in quarantine, or at least that’s what I told my mother when I refused to celebrate my birthday in April. In that time (no time) Peter has managed to get engaged to Hannah Ann, dump Hannah Ann, try and date Madison for 36 hours, and is now dating Kelley. While yes, technically the Hannah Ann stuff happened after the season finished filming at the end of November, I still declare that to be no time, since it was over the holidays and time isn’t real then either. And in all seriousness, I have to say, this is not a good look. In fact, it’s just messy. And even with all the trash that ABC has thrown at us over the years, I’m starting to wonder if Peter is the messiest of them all? Let’s take a look at past Bachelors and see if any of them can beat him at this game.
Peter Weber
First, let me lay out my case for Peter. I understand walking into this thing with a chip on his shoulder because everyone wanted Tyler C to be the Bachelor, but that’s still no excuse for letting his dick hand out the roses every week. The Bachelor is not Are You The One. It is not Too Hot to Handle. It is supposed to be, or at least pretend to be, about finding a wife—not just someone you want to hook up with and make sponsored his-and-hers FabFitFun posts with. It was obvious from the beginning that Peter wasn’t looking for a wife, and proven when he brought two under-23-year-olds and a dementor to the Fantasy Suites.
So, eventually Peter proposed to Hannah Ann because she was the only one of his final two who would have sex with him and oh, also, didn’t eliminate herself. Shockingly, this did not turn into everlasting love. Peter is not the only Bachelor to change his mind after all the glitz, glamour, and Neil Lane’s blinding smile go away. But he is the only one whose relationship with the runner-up was so short that if they were binge watching Tiger King together at the start of it, they’d never even find out if Joe Exotic managed to kill that b*tch Carole Baskin. And he is certainly the only one to then move on to a THIRD woman from his show. Now he’s posting cringeworthy TikTok videos with Kelley, and Madison is responding with her own awful TikToks. I’m sorry, I cannot describe these any further because I tried to watch and I burst into flames of embarrassment, shame, and disgust. We’ll see where Peter’s relationship goes with Kelley. My heart says to root for them because she is age-appropriate and should have been the winner all along, but my head says that Kelsey should get her choreographed dance moves ready for when Peter is ready to move on in a few days.
We didn’t catch you. You’ve literally been posting videos together for a month.
And now, things have gotten even messier, because we found out this week that Peter and Kelley left Chicago to go back to LA—in the middle of a pandemic. Hmm, guess they were bored there, so now they want to be bored somewhere else! They’re now in the land of paparazzi, and we’ve already seen photos of them riding a tandem bike. Ew. Let’s not forget that Peter already flew to Chicago during the pandemic, so he’s a repeat offender at this point. Also, I hope he’s not hanging out with his parents, who are definitely old enough to be high-risk! People, how hard is it to just stay the f*ck where you are!?
Jason Mesnick
It’s hard to be messier than Peter, but Jason Mesnick was the OG of Bachelors That Change Their Mind™, so he can’t be forgotten. For all you beautiful young things who don’t need to slather your faces in expensive retinol, let mama tell you about Jason Mesnick. He was lucky Bachelor number 13, which aired in 2009. Ah, a time when we were so innocent and unaware of the terrors ABC had yet to unleash onto this world *cough* Chad Johnson *cough*.
On his season finale, Jason Mesnick proposed to Melissa Rycroft and she accepted. Congrats! But then, on After the Final Rose, Jason realized he was still in love with Molly, his runner-up, and broke up with Melissa ON AIR. So this might not sound that shocking now that we’ve met The Shame of Scottsdale, Arie Luyendyk Jr., but back then this had never happened before, and things were not yet being manufactured to garner more Instagram followers. Plus, he did this on a live special! V messy, Jason. But to his credit, Jason is still with Molly today and they have adorable children, and I guess life is good and he got his sh*t together. So thanks for the entertainment, you crazy kids, glad it worked out!
I’d also be remiss not to mention that we have Jason to thank for Reality Steve. His season was the first one Steve ever spoiled, and the rest is history, as they say. So thank you both for helping me win my Bachelor brackets for at least the last five years, and letting me get away with calling it a “God-given talent”.
Arie Luyendyk Jr.
You all knew he was coming. And now he doesn’t even seem all that original anymore, does he? After nine long years of Chris Harrison making blood sacrifices to the full moon and selling a tiny bit of his soul each time he had to officiate the wedding of a couple that met on Paradise, the devil finally granted his request and sent him another Bachelor who never heard the phrase “no take-backs”.
Arie was middle-aged mature, experienced, and supposed to bring a level of seriousness to this show. Instead, he proposed to Becca and then brought a cameraman to their “happy couple” weekend, dumped her, and then refused to leave while she sobbed. It was uncut, raw footage, and I would rather go to the gynecologist every single day of my life than watch those moments of TV ever again. It’s like he saw what Jason Mesnick did, pointed at it and said “That! Only make her want to die!”
And so he did. Then he went to his runner-up Lauren’s house, they exchanged about three words and got back together. The ONLY reason he is not messier than Peter is because he made it work with Lauren, despite the fact that I have been dutifully sticking their voodoo dolls full of pins for two years. That’s impressive. And their kid is cute. You MILDLY redeemed yourself, Arie. And that is the nicest thing I will ever say about you, so take it.
Colton Underwood
Colton’s messiness does not begin with his season. In fact, his season was relatively mild when you look at it in comparison to Arie emotionally running over Becca with a semi-truck the year before. Colton was messy before he even went on Becca’s season. I’m sure I have voiced this in previous articles, but Colton schemed to be the Bachelor for years, and Mike Fleiss fell for it. Before Colton knew that Becca was going to be the Bachelorette, he DM’d Tia, thinking it would be her and he could score an advantage, and they spent a weekend together. Then, when he found out The Bachelorette was Becca, he peaced out. He went on Becca’s season and had to reveal what happened with Tia. He still finished in fourth place, after which he went on to Paradise. On Paradise, he dicked Tia around some more, but didn’t want to commit because he was in the running for The Bachelor “it wasn’t there.”
Then he, of course, did become the Bachelor, and ended up with Cassie after the infamous fence-jump and getting the body shakes so loud I still hear them in my most quiet moments. And they’re still together today, despite coronavirus, Cassie’s bangs phase, and Colton’s book. What’s so unique about Colton’s messiness is that the contestants usually wait until after they’re the Bachelor to test drive other members of Bachelor Nation, but he did it before he was ever even cast on any of the franchise’s shows, so kudos to him for recognizing a trend and getting ahead of it. I hope talking about your virginity on national TV for two months was everything you dreamed it would be when you were scheming, Colton!
Never forget.
Chris Soules
Chris Soules’ season was not actually all that noteworthy, unless you consider casting a Bachelor that couldn’t form a full sentence for an entire season noteworthy. Chris was a farmer from Iowa, and a fan favorite on Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette. He proposed to Whitney, much to runner-up Becca Tilley’s obvious relief, and then they broke up very shortly after the finale aired. His real messiness began after his reality TV career, though. In 2017, Chris was charged with leaving the scene of a fatal car accident. Chris rear-ended a tractor which resulted in the death of the driver, Kenneth Mosher, and then left the scene of the accident. He was not charged with driving under the influence, although there were discarded beer cans found in his car. He eventually pleaded guilty and received two years probation.
Obviously this is more than messy—it’s sad and devastating for the victim’s family and it’s reckless, dangerous, and stupid on Chris’s part. But NOW he is quarantining in Iowa with the one and only Victoria Fuller. Word is that he DM’d her and that’s how this got started. Damn, I feel like every day this show gives me grounds to sue Instagram. Is there anything messier than two people with a myriad of legal troubles hooking up? Now I’m thinking that coronavirus started just because it knew this couple was coming, and wanted to make sure they had literally nowhere to drive together. I’m sure this couple will only get more dramatic, and I’m excited to see where it goes.
So, is Peter the messiest Bachelor? Yes, for now. But I don’t doubt that the second ABC can start filming again they will find a new man even more indecisive and willing to debase himself for Instagram followers. So, enjoy your Messiest Bachelor of All Time badge while you can, Peter! But please take solace in the fact that you’ll always remain the most embarrassing member of Bachelor Nation on TikTok.
Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; Giphy (2); pilot_pete, jasonmesnick, bachandroses/ Instagram
By now, Peter Weber’s season of The Bachelor feels like a distant memory. Bigger issues have overtaken our world, like the fact that The Bachelorette is delayed indefinitely, and we’re now forced to suffer through Listen To Your Heart every Monday. Pilot Pete’s season may have been a mess, but now we’re in truly desperate times. Luckily, these thirst-monsters are still clinging to relevance, so we’ve got more drama between Peter and Madison to deal with.
A lot has happened in the last month, so here’s a quick refresher. On the finale of The Bachelor, Peter broke off his engagement to Hannah Ann, and then said he wanted to make things work with Madison. They got back together, before announcing their split just two days later. Were they ever really back together? Debatable. Fast forward a few weeks, and Peter flew to Chicago, where he’s been quarantining with Kelley Flanagan. A couple weeks ago, he went on several podcasts and claimed that nothing serious is going on between them, but who really cares? Madison, meanwhile, has been quarantining at her parents’ house in Alabama, and based on her cringeworthy TikToks, she’s fully reverted back to the life of a high school girl. Okay, great, now we’re caught up.
Over the weekend, the shade between Madison and Peter kicked off on TikTok, of all places. Madi posted a cute video featuring several women from Peter’s season, not including Kelley. There were also like, 20 other women missing, but whatever. Someone commented asking where Kelley was, and Madi replied, “with our ex lol.” Honestly, I screamed when I saw that. Props to Madison for this A+ shade, because I had no idea she had it in her.
Just from that comment, it was apparent that there were some hard feelings going on here, and now we have some more clarity on the situation. Madison made an appearance on the newest episode of Kaitlyn Bristowe’s Off The Vine podcast, and she spilled some major tea about the complicated timeline. When asked about her relationship with Kelley, Madison said that they were “inseparable throughout the entire process,” so she was “definitely hurt and thrown off” when she saw that Kelley was with Peter.
In any situation, it would be weird if one of your good friends got together with your ex. But Madi says it was “really confusing,” because Peter was trying to get back with her just TWO DAYS before he was seen in Chicago. She says, “He was, like, calling me and texting me being like, ‘I miss you, let’s get back together… I think that to me was a little confusing.” Hmm, to me it sounds like Peter was basically just in the mood to quarantine with someone, and he may have been looking into multiple options. Classic f*ckboy behavior, and it wouldn’t be the least bit surprising coming from Pilot Pete.
Speaking of f*ckboy behavior, his bizarre treatment of Madison continued when he reached out after the photos with Kelley were released. Madison told Kaitlyn that “He sent me this long, long text, kind of explaining himself, but not really. Just kind of sharing the current situation or whatever. I was very kind back, I was just like, ‘Look, this doesn’t affect anything for me, like, we went our separate ways, it’s not like I lost something here.’ I guess, but I told him kind of what I’m saying. What I’m confused about Peter is two days ago you were telling me how much you loved me and wanted to get back together and now you’re with the one person that was my best friend. It just feels a little hurtful.”
Damn, Madison really went in here, and I’ve never liked her more than I do right now. I don’t doubt that, at some point, Peter had deep, genuine feelings for Madison, but he needs to get over it and stop acting like all this stuff hasn’t gone down since. Madi is clearly doing fine, so stop texting her whiney bullsh*t when you’re shacking up with a woman who used to be her close friend.
In conclusion, Madison said she wishes Peter and Kelley all the best, but added that she hasn’t spoken to Kelley “in a really long time.” I would say that makes me sad, but I don’t have actual emotions for these people. Also, in what real world would a 28-year-old Chicago lawyer be friends with a 24-year-old from Alabama? They’ll both get over it.
But who’s not over it? Peter! He clearly felt some type of way about what Madison said on the podcast, and he decided the public comments on a Bachelor tea Instagram page was the appropriate place to express this. He tagged Madi, saying “you’d think you’d have a little more respect for this situation given we both know there’s more to the story…”
Okay, while I don’t know what Peter is alluding to here, I feel like he’s being a little bit of a drama queen. First of all, could he not just text her about this? He clearly had her number as of *checks notes* two days before he went to Chicago to stay with Kelley! Also, talking about this stuff on podcasts is petty much par for the course for these people. Peter, just a few weeks ago, went on three different Bachelor podcasts in the same week! He might not have liked what Madison had to say, but it’s not like she ruined his life or anything. All of these people are just trying to get a few more headlines before we stop caring about them, so it’s not really worth getting mad about.
What is worth getting mad about? The fact that Paradise likely won’t happen this year, so we won’t get to see any of this petty drama play out in person. There is nothing I would love more right now than to see Kelley and Madison come face to face on that beach and spend two full episodes arguing about who texted Peter and when. Throw Hannah Ann in the mix, and you barely need anyone else for the whole season! If we don’t get to see this, then we’ll really have something to complain about. See, Peter? There are things in the world that actually MATTER!! Now spend less time in the Instagram comment section, and more time working on your TikTok skills, because they’re dismal.
Images: ABC/John Fleenor; thebetchelor, bachelornation.scoop / Instagram
If you’re reading this right now, you’re probably bored at home. Honestly, I’m feeling pretty content with my social distancing situation right now, but we already know that not all celebrities are actually following the rules. But there are plenty of celebs who are staying at home right now, and I applaud them! But they’re obviously just as bored as the rest of us, and it’s causing a crisis of a different kind: they’re all joining TikTok.
Celebrities have been getting on TikTok since last year, to varying degrees of delight and cringe. Megan Thee Stallion twerking? I love it—can’t get enough. But for many of the other famous non-teenagers trying to stay relevant, the content is just not it. In this period of having so much time on our hands, let’s take a look at some of the celebs who might need to find a different hobby.
Howie Mandel
@officialhowiemandelRubber Glove Challenge ##rubberglovechallenge ##newchallenge ##nostalgia ##og ##howiemandel ##fyp♬ Hey You There – Soulja Boy Tell’em
As surprising as this may sound, Howie Mandel is not new to TikTok. He was an early adopter last year, and he has millions of followers. Good for him, but I’m sorry, I just don’t need to see an adult man trying to fit his entire head into a rubber glove. Watching this made me viscerally uncomfortable, and that’s not the kind of content I need in my life right now. Also, aren’t we supposed to be saving the gloves for healthcare professionals? Howie, please do less.
Hannah Ann Sluss
@hannahannslussCan I be your ##1 babyyyyy!?! @baskinchampion @aloyoga ##foryoupage ##fyp ##tiktok ##bestfriend ##kisses♬ Young Thug – Relationship (feat. Future) – oouumanii_
Of course Hannah Ann is on TikTok, and of course the videos are obnoxious. She’s posted two different videos doing this dance with different friends this week, which makes it seem like she’s probably not properly socially distancing. But more interestingly, the other woman in this video is Baskin Champion, who’s best known for having an extremely brief fling with Justin Bieber exactly two years ago. I f*cking hate that I knew that without even looking it up, but that’s just how my brain works.
Madison Prewett
@madiprewattempt number 1.. ##socialdistancing ##beach ##dancechallenge ##canttouchthis ##xyzbca ##fyp♬ original sound – madiprew
Misery loves company, and Hannah Ann isn’t the only Bachelor finalist trying too hard on TikTok these days. Madi has been struggling to learn a TikTok dance on a beach this week, so she should probably just cut her losses and go inside. Just last week, she was hanging out with Selena Gomez, but Selena clearly declined to be featured in Madi’s mediocre TikToks. Good choice, Selena.
Hailey Bieber
@haileybieberwe finally joined the tik tok world! we tried 🤷🏼♀️♬ 2livesounds – 2live.d
This might be the most troubling celebrity TikTok of all. So far, Hailey Bieber has only posted one video, of her and Justin Bieber doing a dance. Justin looks like he’d rather be licking the pavement in Italy than doing this video, and I feel the same way about watching it. I really need to know how many times Justin’s publicist begged him to do a TikTok, because this feels incredibly forced. We’ll see how many more videos Hailey forces him to do before we’re allowed to go outside, but I won’t be following this cursed content.
Melissa Gorga
@melissagorgaLove this song💕 ##sayso ##foryoupage ##quarentine♬ Say So – Doja Cat
More and more Real Housewives have been turning to TikTok in these dark times, and whatever, why not. When RHONJ star Melissa Gorga posted a video with her whole family earlier this week, I thought it was cute! Her kids are totally adorable, and I always love a Joe Gorga appearance. But now, it appears that Melissa has gone fully stir crazy, and is just posting lame dance videos like everyone else. To put it in Melissa’s own words, “STOP HURTING US.”
Ashley Tisdale
@ashleytisdaleMy work out while on Self Quarantine. I can’t believe I remembered it 😝♬ original sound – ashbash2425
Ashley Tisdale has been on TikTok for a few months, and whatever, she’s having fun. But this video of her doing High School Musical choreography really sent me over the edge. The problem here is that she says in the caption that “I can’t believe I remembered it,” but none of us are buying this. You know Ashley has been waiting YEARS to bust this choreography out to get some clout, so this is a literal dream for her! While Gabriella is over on IG Live getting herself canceled, Sharpay is totally cashing in on TikTok—good for her, I guess.
Hannah Brown
@hannahkbrownTHE CLOSEST* Tyler has ever gotten to getting in my pants. ##fyp ##fliptheswitch ##lifeathome @katedooley0 @olivia.faria @tylerjcameron3♬ Nonstop – Drake
As anyone with a working internet connection knows by now, Hannah and Tyler are currently with approximately six other people practicing some questionable social distancing in Florida. No one is cashing in on the quarantine clout more than Hannah and Tyler, who have gone from being secretive to flaunting their maybe-relationship in a matter of days. I really can’t with these group TikToks, because they just feel so thirsty. But really, I guess that’s the whole point of celebrities being on TikTok. Whatever, call me when they’re officially dating.
Which celebrities have been keeping you sane—or making you lose your mind—on TikTok? There is truly so much content happening right now, and I’m desperate for anything that won’t make me want to throw my phone out the window.
Images: Getty Images; TikTok
Presented by Skinnypop
Welcome back to my own personal hellscape night two of The Bachelor season finale! Last night was a whirlwind of emotions—and I’m not just talking about Barb’s religious experience after downing a bottle of pinot. Peter started out the episode with two hot, semi-legal brunettes to choose from, but by the end of the two hours, Madison had tapped out completely and left Peter to cry softly into his sparkling cider. I’m not sure what scared her away more: Peter’s family trying to explain the male g-spot to her over omelets or finding out or that Peter is apparently the dancing queen over at the local discoteca. It’s a real toss-up.
Which brings us to tonight: Hannah Ann is the last woman standing and Peter seems about as excited about it as someone who is about to undergo a colonoscopy in the morning. At one point he even tells Hannah Ann that despite incorporating a reenactment of The Titanic into their foreplay during the fantasy suites, their tepid night together just isn’t going to cut it; he’s also in love with Madison.
But before we get into that, ABC brings us back to the live taping, where Chris Harrison makes a point to acknowledge Kelley in the crowd. I’m sorry, but WHAT. ABC has to be trolling us because the internet thinks they end up together… right? RIGHT?! Whatever the case, I’m just glad ABC finally let Kelley out of her cage. Happy for you, girl!
Meanwhile, back in Australia, Peter is desperately trying to talk himself and Neil Lane into this proposal. He’s like “I love her! I think. Probably. YES! I love her! I do!”
NEIL LANE, PROBABLY:
Peter, buddy, I mean this with love, but you sound unhinged.
Okay, is that Hannah Ann’s proposal dress?? At first I thought that was just a very fashion-forward robe over some bridal lingerie, but that’s the whole look? That’s it?!
Though Hannah Ann went through the process of getting dressed and getting full glam, she declares that she’s emotionally drained and doesn’t feel like going to the rose ceremony before collapsing on her bed. These are things I say at 8:01 every morning when I debate if I actually need my day job to clothe and feed my dog. These are not things you should say right before you’re supposed to get engaged!!
Peter is down at the proposal spot, dressed in a dashing blue suit that I’m sure Barb picked out for him while stroking his hair and holding him at gunpoint until he agreed to marry Hannah Ann in the first place. He’s playing “Eye of the Tiger” on repeat in his right now, when Chris Harrison tells him that he isn’t sure Hannah Ann is coming to the rose ceremony anymore. HAHAHA. Guys, I just almost peed myself. This is priceless. I can’t. Also, I can’t say that I’m really surprised. This is what happens when you pick a woman so young they haven’t had to commit to a rental car yet, let alone a lifetime with one man.
In the end, Hannah Ann decides to show up to her own engagement. She heard there would be free booze, after all. Do we feel like maybe Chris Harrison only told Peter that to drum up a little extra drama to this otherwise boring engagement? Maybe she was running a little late, Chris? Did you ever think about that!!
Chris is like “welcome, Hannah Ann, what great timing you have” and it’s like, yeah Peter was only about to throw himself off a bridge, but good that you made it!
You can tell Hannah Ann is fully prepared to get dumped today. She’s looking at him like she’d like him to hurry up please, boarding for her flight starts in an hour. To be fair, he hasn’t told her that Madison left yet and that he literally has no other options, save that rabid kangaroo in the background.
Peter starts off his proposal strong by saying Madison’s name first. Oof. Peter! Her name is Hannah Ann, repeat after me.
God this proposal is the least romantic thing I’ve ever heard in my life. He’s like “well, Madison left, and you already let me put it in, so… you’re in I guess!” Wow. Swoon.
The happy couple! For about 5 more minutes! #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/xcbstsRvTD
— Ria (@BarstoolRia) March 11, 2020
Back To The Real World
After the proposal, Peter arrives back in L.A. where his first stop is to his parents’ house so he can deliver the news of his engagement. He’s like, “I listened to every word you said, but then Madison left anyways so it didn’t really matter in the end!” Yes, that’s accurate.
Guys, Barb’s reaction to finding out Peter chose Hannah Ann is about as healthy as my reaction was when I found out the Sprouse twins had opened a meadery in Williamsburg. I think she may have just ruptured my eardrum with those shrieks.
A month later Hannah Ann and Peter are finally reunited for the first time since Australia. Now that his parents aren’t in the room and he finally got accepted on Raya, he doesn’t seem as excited to be engaged. I’m very confused by what is happening on my television screen rn. Is he braking up with her? Peter has Hannah Ann physically draped over his body like the blanket his abuela knit him for Christmas last year, but then tells her he isn’t sure if he still loves her.
HANNAH ANN: I would stand by you even if it kills me
Kills you, Hannah Ann? This is killing ME. ABC has only been slowly eeking the life force out of me for the last 10 weeks, while you just learned that “finasco” is not a real word yesterday. But, sure, tell me all about how this process has been killing you.
Peter keeps talking about how he’s been “battling” with everything over this past month and it’s like, dude, you’re not trying to bring peace to the Middle East, you’re just trying to feel less guilty about jacking off to Madison in the shower whilst being engaged to Hannah Ann. It’s not that serious.
I think it’s clear at this point that Peter is probably going to dump Hannah Ann, and she is not having it. She may have forgotten to shower for the last six days and had her dry shampoo taken at customs, but she WILL still have her dignity.
Hannah Ann tells Peter that she’s been patient with him, she’s had faith in him, she’s stood by him, and he’s about to ruin her first engagement by dumping her a month later. I would lead troops to battle with this speech to rally behind. GO OFF, Hannah Ann.
I will say the cameraman capturing Barb’s facial expressions as she watches this entire scene play out at the live taping, is the true hero here. You, sir, deserve a medal.
Meanwhile, things aren’t going too well with Peter and Hannah Ann. You can tell he was hoping she wouldn’t put up much of a fight. He watched how Arie dumped Becca and all Becca did was cry in the corner! He shouldn’t have dumped a 23-year-old, though. She’s got more energy in one of her hair follicles than I have in my entire body, and the only time a man has ever disappointed her was when her Starbucks barista forgot to make her order a skinny. Watch out, Peter, she’s coming for your ass.
HANNAH ANN: 
I SAID YES AND I GET THIS. And then she waves the motherf*cking ring in his face!!! Guys, watching a former Chi Omega social chair roast a grown man over the flame of her ever burning hatred is putting YEARS back on my life. I have more energy, my skin feels clearer, my hair seems shinier. This is the America I want to live in.
PETER: *breathes*
THE LIVE AUDIENCE:
Hannah Ann flings the ring at Peter’s face and BARB CLAPS IN THE AUDIENCE. Why do I feel like Peter is no longer invited to his own family holidays? You can practically feel Barb’s hatred for her own son through the TV screen. She’s so pissed, I love it. You know this warranted a spanking when he got home.
“LEAVE.” THE HAND. I’M UNWELL.
Give that girl an Oscar because I have been thoroughly entertained. I didn’t think Hannah Ann had any of this in her, but damn. I’m impressed.
Hannah Ann Confronts Peter
In real time, Chris Harrison brings Hannah Ann out to the stage to finish skinning Peter alive with her words. He’s like “Peter, I know we just watched your entire life blow up, but what’s one more grenade to your happiness?” What’s one more grenade, indeed, Chris.
I know I’ve been ragging on Hannah Ann since literally day one, but I’m truly impressed with how she’s carried herself throughout this entire ordeal. I’m not sure if her agent is in the audience holding up cue cards with these zinger comebacks or what, but she is absolutely slaying this conversation right now.
PETER: *makes direct eye contact one time*
HANNAH ANN:
THAT’S CALLED BEING BLINDSIDED, PETER. Hannah Ann continues to fillet what’s left of Peter’s dignity in front of a live studio audience, and I’m living for this. I wish I could say that I feel bad for him even a little bit, but I don’t. When Hannah Ann said “I would defend you until it kills me” that’s kind of how I used to feel about Peter before watching this episode. Did he seem a little spineless to me throughout the season? You bet. But what man isn’t spineless? I genuinely thought he did a decent job of being the Bachelor and I was rooting for him—head wound and all!—throughout this entire season, but this is the first time I’m truly disappointed in him. He strung this girl along to pad his ego because he was feeling insecure after Madison left. Disgusting.
Chris Harrison gives Hannah Ann the final word, and boy, does she use it to her advantage. She tells Peter that if he wants to be with a woman then he needs to be a real man first and I. Am. SCREAMING.
Hannah Ann has ignited something in me this episode and I’m ready to round up all the men and burn them at the stake for their stupidity. Where you lead I will follow, bitch!
What About Madison Tho?
Now that Peter has been emotionally drawn and quartered for our viewing pleasure, Chris Harrison drops one more bomb on him: he went to visit Madison in Alabama a few weeks ago. Just casual! Nbd! Meanwhile, Peter looks like he’s about to soil himself on this stage if he gets one more surprise.
ABC starts rolling the footage from that visit and we get to watch Chris Harrison doing what he does best: being a messy bitch who lives for drama. The gleeful expression on his face as he trespasses on Madison’s front lawn is priceless.
Okay, Madison, if I didn’t hate you before, I certainly do now after that little “I couldn’t eat for weeks” comment. We get it, you’re tiny! STOP BRAGGING.
She says that she made a mistake and if she could do things over again she wouldn’t have made the same choices. This earns her a disgusted eye roll from Peter’s mom in the audience. Again, I say, that camera man is doing the lord’s work. Bless you, sir.
Chris fills Madi in on what’s been happening since she left The Bachelor. He tells her Peter did get engaged to Hannah Ann, but waits until Madi’s entire face crumples before telling her that Peter broke off said engagement two weeks later. This is what we call burying the lede, Chris! On the bright side, I think I now know the secret ingredient to Chris’s youthful skin: just a dab of the pain and misery of others. Really gives him that glow-and-get-‘em skin.
CHRIS HARRISON: Peter said it’s his dream to be engaged to you.
Wow, okay, Chris is really taking some liberties here because that’s not exactly what Peter said. I think what Peter actually said was something along the lines of, “I wish she was still here but I guess I’ll marry Hannah Ann instead.” But, sure, the dream thing too.
And just like that, Madi is heading off to L.A. to go get her Pachi! So, let me get this straight: she was so hurt by Peter sleeping with other women that she left the show because it didn’t sit right with her faith, but it’s cool that in the eyes of the lord he was ENGAGED to another woman before her? Cool, cool.
When Madi shows up in L.A. you can tell Peter is absolutely shocked to see her there. Not only did Madison have to sneak away from Chad and her youth group in the dead of night, but she also had to get past Peter’s front door without Barb seeing it on the door cam and calling the cops. That’s dedication.
Madison tells Peter that she hoped her feelings for him would go away, but Chris Harrison actually wouldn’t let that be possible. That’s sweet. I hope when they tell this story to their kids they don’t gloss over this manipulation part of it.
CHRIS HARRISON: Do you still love Madison?
PETER: ….yeah
So I guess their love story is going to consist of a series of half-hearted “yeahs”. Cool, cool.
“yeah” YEAH?! Say it with your chest Peter! Can I get a yes one time? #TheBachelor
— Ria (@BarstoolRia) March 11, 2020
With that ringing endorsement, Chris brings Madison out onto the stage. All Madison has to do is breathe and Barb is already heavily sighing and mouthing “I can’t” to her shame-face husband. God, I love Barb. She kills me.
Wait, so they haven’t seen each other since that day in L.A.? You’re telling me that this is the first time they’ve been in the same room since that last lingering forehead touch? Absolutely nothing has been resolved here? WHY AM I EVEN WATCHING THIS SHOW I SWEAR TO GOD.
Chris asks what the next step is for the two of them and I don’t miss the look Peter sends his mother before answering. Listen, he can’t just make that decision on the spot, Chris! He has to run it by his mommy first, okay?
Speaking of which, Chris Harrison gives Barb the floor and I can’t wait for her pour some olive oil on Madison and emotionally sautee her in front of a live studio audience. She says that she’s been getting a lot of love in her DMs, and I believe it. I’m a fan. I’d like to bottle up those passive-aggressive eyerolls and keep them in my pocket for a rainy day.
According to Barb, ABC left out some key footage from Madison and Peter’s family date in Australia. Apparently, Madison made them wait three hours before she would come into the house, presumably so she could slut-shame their son on the front lawn. When she finally did come into the house, she told Barb that she wouldn’t marry her son. Damnnnnn, Barbra. You’re not holding back any punches tonight, are you?
Look, do I think Madison is to blame for all of this? Not really. I’m sure production played a role here, especially with that three hour wait thing. But I do think Barb is touching on some thoughts I’ve had throughout this season about Madison being a bit more two-faced than she lets on. From day one she’s been manipulating Peter and withholding key information about herself. She downplayed her faith and virginity to him at every turn, and then used it against him when she didn’t get her way. Barb may be a little unhinged, but at least she’s a perceptive psycho.
Also, it’s clear this is never going to work between the two of them. Barb HATES Madison with the fire of a thousand suns and there’s no way in hell Peter is going to be able to mediate this relationship for the rest of his goddamn life. He’s struggling right now, and he has ABC holding up helpful cue cards from the audience!
I will say Madison gets props for holding her own against Barb in ABC’s gladiator arena live studio. She says she was “undeniably myself” throughout this entire experience, and if by that she means “someone who is rude and late” then I think Barb might agree with her there.
Chris tries to wrap things up but Barb just keeps sh*tting on Madison from the sidelines. I love this so much. Meanwhile, Peter’s dad is trying not to make any sudden movements lest she turn on him too.
CHRIS HARRISON: Well, you two will figure it out, right mom?
BARB:
YOU HAVE TO FAIL TO SUCCEED. What does that even mean! Here Madi is thinking she and Peter are about to ride off into the sunset together and Barbra just put some sort of witch’s curse on the two of them to doom their happiness for generations to come.
And that’s a wrap for the season, kids! In terms of finales, this one was a wild ride. I laughed, I cried, I peed myself just a little. Good times. Now, if you need me, I’ll just be here replaying Barb’s facial expressions on loop until The Bachelorette starts back up again. Until then!
Images: ABC/John Fleenor; Giphy (8); @barstoolria /Twitter (2); @bacheloring /Instagram (1)
Well, people, we made it. After 10 long weeks of listening to Pilot Pete try and incorporate his favorite swear words from 9th grade Spanish into foreplay rose ceremonies and having to endure Hannah Ann absolutely butchering the English language at every turn, we’ve finally made it to the season finale of The Bachelor (part one, because God hates me!). I’ll admit, I’m on the edge of my seat. This is the first season IN YEARS that hasn’t been spoiled the minute ABC announces the lead, and I’m just dying to know who Pachi picks to split his Delta employee perks with.
Last week Peter narrowed his search down to two final women. In one corner we have Hannah Ann, whose illustrious modeling career includes features in laundry detergent labels, the Ruby Tuesday’s Help Wanted ad, and the chair catalogue from The Office that inspired Michael Scott to believe in love again. In the other corner we have Madison, a girl who probably believes foreplay includes 10-15 minutes of intense nose nuzzling—but only after her youth group has prayed about it first. I can honestly say, I don’t envy your decision, Peter!
Which brings us to tonight! Chris Harrison tells us that tonight will be the most dramatic season finale ever. He claims that even Peter doesn’t know the ending to his own season, and it’s got me worried about the severity of that golf cart injury the camera has been so unkind to all season long.
Seriously, I’m worried.
As we start the episode off, Peter says he’s unsure about how to choose between these women when they’ve “touched him” in so many ways. I’m going to assume he means his soul when he’s talking about Madison, and the half-hearted BJ from the fantasy suites when he’s talking about Hannah Ann. At least it seems to have really left an impression on him, girlfriend!
Before he embarks on his final few days with the women, Peter first consults his parents about his Sophie’s Choice. In minute detail, he talks about each woman, what he feels for them, and their love story thus far on The Bachelor, and at the end of this monologue the only thing his parents seem truly concerned about is that Madison probably won’t be able to properly fellate their son right away.
Seriously, why are they so concerned about his sex life?? I’m pushing 30 and I’m pretty sure my mother thinks I’ve only had sex the one time—and that’s only because she accidentally read about it on my blog! I can’t imagine if she gathered the family in the living room to talk about my future husband and his lack of sexual prowess. I’m shrieking.
Hannah Ann Meets The Parents
Every time Hannah Ann comes on my screen I’m shocked by how young she looks. Seriously, she looks like she had to have her parents sign a permission slip before she could come on the show. I know she’s supposedly 23 but I’d like to see some I.D., ABC.
I love that Hannah Ann is nervous to meet Peter’s parents, and yet Pachi’s mom showed up to this little meet-in-greet rocking a tube top. I think you’ll be fine, girl.
Ew, why does he keep, like, eating her shoulder?? Hannah Ann is trying to have an adult conversation with his parents as he tries to get to third base with her shoulder blade. I’m so alarmed. Why do I feel like Peter has walked in on his parents f*cking before and didn’t immediately shut the door? It’s the only explanation for why he feels so comfortable being this intimate with a significant other in front of his parents.
HANDS, PETER!!
Hannah Ann tries to explain to Peter’s dad what she sees in Peter, and you can tell he’s still trying to piece together how the son who wears a size small in men’s tees is on national television dating numerous beautiful women, let alone what a 23-year-old Sears catalogue model sees in him.
She’s like “we laugh together, we cry together, and that’s just the foreplay!” Is it just me or does she not have one real thing to say about their relationship other than regurgitating the quotes she pinned to her marriage Pinterest board?
Hannah Ann’s meeting with Peter’s parents goes pretty amazing and that only sends Peter further into a downward spiral. He seems really torn about who he should choose, and I feel for him, I do. Which hot brunette should he choose?! IT’S HEART-WRENCHING!!!
Madison Still Thinks Peter Ain’t Sh*t
Next up, Madison gets to meet the parents. If you’ll recall, the last we saw of her was when the producers had somehow managed to blackmail her into attending the fantasy suites rose ceremony. Peter offered her the final rose of the week over Victoria F. and Madison accepted with the most passive-aggressive “yeah” I’ve ever heard in my life. Iconic. I’d like to bottle the sound of that “yeah” and make it my ringtone for all eternity. But now, Madi’s gotta face the music of her decision. And by “music” I mean Barb.
Wowwww, okay. A turtleneck for a brunch in Australia?? I feel like this will already be strike one in Barb’s book. She looks like she grew up in that town in Footloose for god’s sake.
Okay, Madison is NOT happy. She’s clearly still not over Peter sleeping with other women during fantasy suites week, and she’s not afraid to slut shame him in front of his family’s hotel room while she’s at it.
PETER’S FAMILY WATCHING THIS ARGUMENT THROUGH THE BLINDS RN:
She tells Peter how disappointed she is in his actions and honestly, I think it’s really f*cked up. She just said yes to him at the rose ceremony! Maybe table this “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” speech until after you’ve met his family.
And, look, I know I got a lot of heated comments defending Madison in my fantasy suites recap last week, and it’s not that I think she’s wrong per se. I actually think no one did anything wrong in this situation, and I’m proud of Madison for standing up for herself and holding true to her convictions. I know I rib on Madison a lot but she’s allowed to give sex ultimatums and save herself for marriage! Just like Peter is allowed to explore anal play with Victoria F in the fantasy suites! I just don’t think she properly explained her feelings about sex and intimacy to Peter before he decided to sleep with other people. I think if he had known the true extent of her feelings towards sex (aka that she’s a virgin until marriage) he would have either cut Madison completely or not slept with those other women.
Also, I know I said this last recap, but Sweetest Betch has brought it to my attention again in our Bachelor group chat: I’m absolutely appalled and horrified by these spider lashes Madison’s got going on. Talk about a crime against humanity. I guess she was too busy promising her virginity to Jesus to watch a f*cking YouYube tutorial. Not a good enough excuse, Madison!
PETER: You just have to meet me halfway, Madi. Just let me put it in a little.
PACHI! You know her youth pastor warned her all about “just the tip”!
I can tell Madison has put this little tiff behind her when they start nuzzling noses like there’s no tomorrow. Careful, Peter. This might be the only friction you experience for a while. Better enjoy the moment while you can!
Peter is apparently taking his conversation with Madi to heart because he keeps his tongue and his hands to himself while in front of his parents. How kind of you, Pete.
OMG. DID HIS DAD JUST ASK THEM WHAT THEIR BIGGEST ROADBLOCK IS AND SHE SAID HIS SON’S SEX LIFE. I’m dead. Deceased. You can write in my obituary that cause of death was “Pachi’s shame” because life isn’t gonna get any better than this moment right here.
I have never, in my entire 28 years of life, said the word “sex” more than three times in my parent’s presence, AND YET Peter’s family is over here analyzing what sex positions Madi might be into after marriage. Is this appropriate lunch conversation right now, Weber family? Hmm?
Peter must have warned Barb about Madison being religious, because for this meet-and-greet she decides to wear a sensible cardigan set. She tells Madison that she’s also religious but, like, usually after a bottle of pinot, ya feel me? Honestly, I’m feeling Barb’s energy on an elemental level rn. We are soul sisters.
BARB: You know Peter likes to… socialize. He parties. He’s a partier. HE LIKES TO F*CK.
Okay, woooooow. Peter’s mom is COMING for Madison over this sex ultimatum. Can you imagine meeting your boyfriend’s parents for the first time and having them grill you about how you’ll pleasure him in the bedroom?? Barb! You can’t just ask these things!!
I’m actually really impressed with how well Madison is holding her own with these people. She’s clearly not one to talk much about her sex life with others, and here she is having to defend her hymen over family brunch. It’s a different kind of pass the plate then the one you’re used to, huh Madi?
As soon as Madison leaves the house Barb immediately bursts into tears, and she does know the telenovela auditions were weeks ago, right? Also, it’s starting to become abundantly clear why Peter is always falling for head cases with a mother like that.
I love how Barbra absolutely SKEWERS Madison for being religious and then turns around and is like, “well I prayed and God says it’s Hannah Ann, Peter. Sorry.” Not sure that’s how it works, Barb, but okay.
Damn, Peter’s family are real advocates for his dick, aren’t they? Peter’s brother keeps talking about how challenging Madison’s virginity is as if he wrote the Kama Sutra himself. Lol, k. I’m sorry, Peter’s brother, but I just can’t take you seriously when you’re wearing those capri leggings!
I think what Peter’s family is trying to explain to him—and are failing miserably at doing—is that they’re worried Peter and Madi come from two very different backgrounds. His family seems to be really comfortable talking about sex and being physically intimate around others (just ask Hannah Ann’s elbow). Meanwhile, Madison’s family still believes in things like dowries and the closest they’ve ever been to discussing genitalia in front of each other was that one time they gave Madison “the talk” and said it had to do with her bathing suit parts. Neither is wrong, btw, but touch and intimacy are important cornerstones in any relationship, and if you’re going to marry someone you should really be on the same page. It’s a valid point, even if they’re not explaining it right.
PETER: I don’t know what to do.
PETER’S DAD: Choose Hannah Ann
PETER’S BROTHER: Choose Hannah Ann
BARB: BRING HER HOME, PACHI!!
I’m sorry, but if another man ever says I’m dramatic again, I’m going to point to this moment in history right here.
Cut to the next day, and Peter is dead set on making this Madi thing work. It’s like how my mother always said I was never allowed to get a body piercing or she wouldn’t pay for my college, and then I got my bellybutton pierced on spring break in Daytona Beach. Barb, you should have said you approved of Madison and then he would have been all into Hannah Ann!!
To prove to Madison that he’s also down with Jesus, he decides to fly her to a sacred rock in Australia. He’s like “Oh, you’re into religion? Let me tell you about this rock I know!!!” I’m sure she knows all about it, Peter. This rock was definitely on one of the pamphlets her youth pastor passed around to give the kids tips on how to turn the indigenous people to Christianity during her 8th grade mission trip.
Lol, she’s dumping him over sparkling apple juice?? Just kill yourself now, Peter.
Madison says part of being a fighter is knowing when to surrender and she never meant to start a war, she just wanted him to let her in. Or was that the chorus to “Wrecking Ball”? Honestly, I drifted off there for a minute so it’s hard to tell.
Peter is all but begging her to stay with him. He drank sparkling apple juice for you, Madison! And didn’t even wince while he did it! What more do you want from him??
They touch foreheads just long enough to make me truly uncomfortable and then Madison and her spider lashes ride off into the outback for a final time. Sad!
Peter Tries To Make Lemonade Out Of Lemons A Sonic Model
After Madi self-eliminates, we’re treated to a montage of Peter moping around the Australian Best Western. He’s like “Chris, I said never surrender and I surrendered!!” Meanwhile, throughout this entire conversation. Chris Harrison is just looking at him like all he just wanted directions to the breakfast bar, but fine. Could be worse, Chris, he could have jumped a fence!
I guess Peter’s going to suck it up and go through the motions with Hannah Ann because he shows up to their day date looking only slightly depressed. If Hannah Ann has been on any dates that originated from Hinge, then I’m sure she’s used to that look of mild dejection. It’s the way every modern day love story truly begins.
They go play with baby kangaroos, and is it just me or does that baby Kangaroo look older than Hannah Ann? Again, I’d like to see some I.D. here please.
PETER: I’m so glad you’re here, it just means so much to me.
HANNAH ANN:
HAHAHAHA. Yeah, that look definitely says she’s there because she wants to be and not at all because she’s being held against her will by production to finish this season out.
Is this Hannah Ann’s final rose ceremony dress?? Since when are you allowed to show your kneecaps on engagement day?? I suppose she did say she was going to do “everything she could” to get there with Peter. I just thought she meant sharing fun childhood stories to strengthen their emotional bond, not sharing the contour she did on her boobs.
Meanwhile, Peter shows up to this date looking like he just got shoved into a locker. Peter’s like, “I’ve never doubted anything with you except our entire future together, you know?” He tells her that his heart is being pushed into two different directions as Hannah Ann fights the urge to tell him that’s fine, she’s only here because her agent said it would look good on her resume.
I love that she tells him she’s at her breaking point and he smirks at her …? God, this girl has never seen a real breaking point before. If your breaking point involves a Revolve bandage dress and contoured boobs, then it’s not your true breaking point. Try riding the M train shoved against someone wondering aloud what color we see when we die, and then talk to me about breaking points, Hannah Ann!!
Also, like what does Peter expect to get out of this conversation except another girl self-eliminating? He basically told her he loves another girl TO HER FACE. Hell would have to freeze over before I’d say yes to an engagement the day after a conversation like this.
And that’s all she wrote, kids! See you tomorrow night for part two of the thrilling season finale where we’ll finally find out if Peter ends up with anything other than the gaping wound on his forehead. Until then!
Images: Giphy (4); @shesallbach /Instagram (1); @bachelorfreaks /Instagram (1); ABC (2)
Presented by SkinnyPop
Welcome back to this crazy roller coaster ride we call The Bachelor! You know, if roller coasters ended with someone being legally shackled to the toothless man who runs pilots it. (See what I did there?) All I have to say is, strap in kids, because sh*t is about to get wild this week with the Fantasy Suite dates. If you’ll recall, last Monday, Peter went to Kelsey, Hannah Ann, Madison, and Victoria’s hometowns. My favorite part was when he got to swear up and down to their families that he would cherish their daughters and never ever hurt them in any way, only to break that promise at the very next rose ceremony when he dumped one of them because they didn’t seem as bangable. You love to see it.
Which brings us to this week: Peter is living the high life. He now has three beautiful women ready and willing to get engaged for the Instagram likes: Victoria, Hannah Ann, and Madison. After cheers-ing to future windmill fun, Madi asks if she can steal him for a sec. Uh-oh, is she finally going to come clean and tell Peter that the furthest she’s ever gone is with the tampon her friend Gina peer pressured her into wearing in the 11th grade? In hindsight, that Mother Teresa neckline of a jumpsuit should have been a clear indicator to Peter has to how this conversation was about to go.
PETER: You’re scaring me, what’s going on?
MADI: Oh my gosh no!! Don’t be scared!! I just don’t want you to sleep with anyone else or we’re through, okay!!
PETER:
Woooooow. So she’s not even going to tell Peter that she’s saving herself for marriage?? She says that sex is a big deal to her and huge part of her faith and that she’d be upset if he was intimate with others. What she doesn’t say is that she’s a virgin and if he sleeps with other women then she’s out. These are all things she says to the cameras in her interview afterward, but she really should have told Peter face-to-face. If she’s expecting him to be able to read between the lines, then she’s about to be SORELY mistaken.
Peter’s like “so how far am I allowed to go exactly? Just the tip or…?” It’s good to know your boundaries, Pete!
You can tell Peter left that conversation with absolutely no clarity. He walks Madi back to the other women, takes one large sigh, and looks longingly at Victoria F, like he knows he might never be able to find out what brand of crazy that girl is in the bedroom. He’s like “It’s tough because …. I was planning to bang all of them!” We know Peter. We know.
We learn that for the Fantasy Suite portion of the season Peter and his co-pilots are headed to beautiful, sunny Gold Coast, Australia! I’m half convinced production only chose this locale so they could pan the camera back and forth between a koala the most sexual creature on the planet and Peter. Subtle. On the plus side, if they’re in Australia at least ABC won’t be tempted to create a date scenario that forces Peter to wear another culture’s identity like an uncomfortable second skin.
PETER: G’day sheilas!!!
Christ. I should have known.
Peter, a man wearing head-to-toe khaki, tells us that he’s very worried about juggling three women in the bedroom, and I love that he’s just totally going to ignore Madison’s ultimatum and see what happens. This is a strategy best used when your boss tells you that no, National Frozen Foods Day is not a holiday with paid time off, and, no, you absolutely cannot have it off to eat a Costco-sized frozen pizza after giving only one day’s notice, but you do it anyway to “see what happens.” Doesn’t feel like a great strategy to play with someone who believes in things like the rapture but, sure, by all means, let’s see how this one plays out, Peter.
Okay, production is a messy bitch for making them all room together during Fantasy Suite week, a first in Bachelor history. So what? They just get to walk of shame home to the communal hotel suite? And then make small talk about how great Australia is as if they all haven’t seen Peter’s penis?
THE GIRLS TO EACH OTHER AFTER ANY OF THEIR OVERNIGHT DATES:
Hannah Ann’s Date
Peter looks f*cking miserable as he greets all the ladies in their communal suite. Seventh years at Hogwarts get more privacy in their living situations for god’s sake! How is he supposed to test each relationship’s flexibility in bed intimacy if they’re all going to gossip to each other about it afterward?
Hannah Ann is up first for the fantasy suite dates, and this feels like the right placement. Victoria F would have been too much of a wild card, and Madison would’ve had to FaceTime Chad and her youth pastor during dinner to see if drinking pink moscato counts as experimenting with hard liquor. No, it’s best to start off on a high note.
I love how Peter’s like “let’s only talk in an Australian accent today” and Hannah Ann uses that as an invitation to treat the date like an audition for future commercial work. I hope her agent is filming this monologue from the bushes!
Hannah Ann asks Peter if he’s ready, but ready for what exactly? I’m sure she meant that suggestively, but I have a feeling the kinkiest this girl gets is a BJ during daylight hours. Offering to blow someone doesn’t make you a master at seduction, Hannah Ann!
Hannah Ann tells Peter that whatever happens this week, she’s here for him, and you can tell he’s just relieved to not have to deal with another sex ultimatum. Speaking of the virgin, back at the hotel, Madison tells Victoria about how she’s uncomfortable with Peter sleeping with the other women. If she’s looking for support, she’s barking up the wrong tree. The only thing Victoria has ever abstained from was using condoms.
VICTORIA: You need to test drive the car before you purchase you know?
ALSO VICTORIA:
Meanwhile, Hannah Ann says that tonight is a big night for her and Peter’s relationship and that’s why she showed up dressed in my grandmother’s curtains. Revolve’s brand partnership person must be SHAKING. They sent her an entire free wardrobe and on the sex date she chooses the one garment they designed for the fun aunts of the world??
HANNAH ANN: When I let someone in, I let them ALL in.
Okay, I know I was joking before, but she really is talking about a blowjob there.
Alright, Hannah Ann is pushing a liiiiittle too hard for Peter to f*ck other girls. She’s like “I don’t care if you explore other options here, by all means PLEASE explore your options. Seriously. Please. Please don’t pick me.” Chill, girl. You’re showing your hand.
Oh Jesus Christ, please tell me that’s not another note from one of their diaries. I can’t take one more love letter where they compliment each other’s giggles. Okay, PHEW, it’s just the fantasy suite date card. Hannah Ann accepts Peter’s invitation to spend the night, but very reluctantly. Seriously, she seems way more into that hot tub than wanting to see the bedroom.
Okay, ENOUGH Hannah Ann! The producers told you to act like you’re into Peter, not re-create the goddamn Titanic. Please.
I’m just not sure Hannah Ann and Peter did the deed. Like, if I were to rate their night on a movie scale, I’d give it a PG-13 rating: lots of heavy panting and maybe Peter got to see some side boob. BUT THAT’S IT.
The next morning, Hannah Ann heads back to her shared room with the other ladies and it is awkwardddddd. I love that to combat the weirdness of all of them sleeping with the same man they just profusely compliment each other. “You look so tan and skinny lovey! Omg you’re glowing, cutie! I’m obsessed with that dress, girlie!” Stop it. Just ask her how hairless the rest of Peter’s body is and be done with it!
Victoria’s Date
I can’t wait to see how Victoria’s date compares to the one Peter just had with Hannah Ann. Hannah Ann looks like the type to cry softly during penetration, while Victoria looks like the type to incorporate knives into foreplay. Good luck, Pachi!
Peter keeps saying that Victoria “fights” for their love, and he must mean that literally, because that’s all they actually do. Peter, I know you think this is going to translate into hot sex, but I worry that Victoria’s idea of adding “kink” to the bedroom involves choking you until you pass out and then stealing your identity and all of your credit cards. I’m just saying!
They spend the day taking scenic helicopter rides and hiking near waterfalls, and this is how I know she’s truly a psycho—because she dressed for a hike in booty shorts. It’s clear this woman has never had a thigh rub together in her entire life. Talk to me when you have real problems, Victoria.
VICTORIA: Once I’m invested in someone it’s game over. Literally. I ruin their marriages and set fire to their happiness. Lol I’m so random!
ME:
Back at the harem, Madi tells Hannah Ann about her ultimatum and once again, I don’t think she’s explaining this right. She’s like “I could never forgive him if he slept with someone else” as Hannah Ann tries to disintegrate into the couch cushions.
HANNAH ANN: So, if I tell her I slept with Peter she might leave and I’ll have a better chance of ending up with him?
ALSO HANNAH ANN: *stays completely silent*
I see right through you, girlfriend!
Hannah Ann during that whole conversation with Madison #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/kDxP2c8xL8
— Another Bachelor Account (@BachelorTweets4) February 25, 2020
I can’t believe Peter and Victoria are not going to acknowledge the ruined marriages elephant in the room. They keep dancing around the topic but he hasn’t out-right confronted her about the homewrecking rumors, and I hate that. I get that for legal reasons they probably can’t get into the whole scandal, and I’m sure those wronged women don’t want to be further humiliated on national television, but all of this vagueness is pissing me off.
Peter keeps saying he believes Victoria’s side of things and it’s like, what else do you believe Peter? That there’s a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow?? Honestly, the only thing more toxic than this relationship is the water in my Keurig tank. Open your eyes, man!
Victoria says that in her past relationships she didn’t feel “good enough” and I would imagine it’s hard not to feel that way when your boyfriend goes back to his wife. Apparently, this is all Peter needs to hear to forgive Victoria for acting like a sociopath in Virginia Beach. They head to their fantasy suite and I’m half expecting him to take her to the exact room he slept with Hannah Ann in. I mean, they’re all sharing a girls’ suite, so why not a boom-boom room too?
Cut to the next morning, and Peter is looking at Victoria like she is the first girl to ever teach him about him about the male g-spot. Honestly, she looks like the type who’d be into male anal play. It’s that twinkle in her eye.
Madison’s Date
Moving on! Last up, we have Madison, and I love the strategic placement of this date. Peter went from being lightly choked the night before to whatever wholesome adventure Madi has in store from him today.
Um, MADISON. Does The Lord approve of this crop top? Peter’s hands are dangerously close to that millimeter of skin you’re showing. What would Chad say?!
I love how every other fantasy date has involved activities that require bikinis and short shorts, and meanwhile Madison is wearing a suit that covers every inch of visible skin. Subtle, ABC.
Okay, WHAT. She’ll hike up this creaky ladder thousands of feet in the air but she won’t put out?? Clearly, her priorities are mixed up. Production must be hoping an adrenaline rush will jumpstart her libido or something. Nice try, ABC!
Fast-forward to the dinner portion of the evening, and Madison finally tells Peter that she’s saving herself for marriage. Peter visibly gulps when he hears the news. You can tell he was wishing she was just super jealous or something and insecure about him sleeping with other women.
She says that she wouldn’t feel comfortable getting engaged to a man who has slept around with other women. Her speech comes off very well-spoken and logical. While I’m sure it’s gotten her a lot of fans on social media, this whole thing feels very manipulative to me. Look, I’m not saying you can’t be a virgin until marriage or that there’s anything wrong with having these morals and standards for your significant other, but then don’t go on this show. It’s not fair to Peter or the process. And certainly don’t wait to spill all of this information until Peter has no one left but a Sonic waitress and the most hated woman in Virginia Beach. No one wants their boyfriend sleeping with other women a week before they get engaged, BUT THAT IS THIS SHOW. Welcome to Mike Fleiss’ hellscape! This is what you signed up for!
Moreover, she didn’t clearly explain ANY of this to Peter during that last rose ceremony. You can’t say something isn’t an ultimatum and then take it back when you don’t get your way. I think if he knew the virgin thing he wouldn’t have been “intimate” with the others, but he didn’t have the context for her demands.
Holy sh*t. Madison walks out of dinner and Peter starts openly weeping. You can tell he’s wishing he never let Victoria F stick that finger up his butt last night. He goes out to go comfort a crying Madi and there is far too much forehead touching for my comfort levels.
Was it worth it, Peter? Was it?!
Madi’s like “I can’t change who I am! I can’t change that I have a hymen!” And she’s right. She can’t change that she’s a virgin or that she has these standards in place for herself. But there’s no place for that on this den of sin otherwise known as The Bachelor, OKAY.
Things end on a rocky note, with Madison leaving a tearful Peter to contemplate his life decisions. You can tell he’s wondering if missionary in the dark with Hannah Ann or climaxing at gunpoint with Victoria F was really worth sacrificing the one relationship he actually cared about. We’ll have to wait until next week to see how that cookie crumbles. Until then, kids!
Images: Giphy (4); ABC (2); @bachelorabc /Instagram (1); @bachelortweets4 /Twitter (1);
We’re only one week into the new season of The Bachelor, and I already can’t keep up with these girls. I don’t know if this premiere week has been messier than usual, but it feels like there is just so much to talk about. Already, we’ve broken down Hannah Ann’s suspicious background and Maurissa’s date with Mike Johnson, and today it’s Madison’s turn in the hot seat. Pretty much every Bachelor contestant has exhibited cringeworthy behavior on Instagram at one point or another, but Madison’s is… something else.
On this week’s premiere, she emerged as an early frontrunner when she was chosen for the first one-on-one date of the season. She and Peter seemed to vibe pretty well, and even without spoilers, it’s not hard to guess that she’ll be around for a while. On Tuesday morning after the premiere aired, she posted a photo from her date with Peter, saying that it was “the most perfect date with the perfect guy.” I can’t wait to see how that caption ages if she doesn’t end up winning the show, but that’s not what’s important here.
You’ll notice below that there’s a super sweet comment on the photo, saying that Madison’s date was “beautiful,” and that she’s “so genuine and real.” The problem? The comment came FROM MADISON.
That’s right—Madison is SO genuine and real that she’s giving herself compliments on her own public Instagram post. We love a humble queen! I really can’t imagine a more genuine and real thing to do. But actually, this comment obviously wasn’t supposed to come from Madison’s own profile, so who was it supposed to come from?
The prevailing theory behind this is that Madison made a fan account for herself, and then forgot to switch to that account before commenting on her own photo. If this is the case, which seems likely, it’s sad and hilarious. Like, I don’t know how many of these women are out here making fan accounts for themselves, but if you’re going to be shady, you’ve got to be good at it! I’m logged into four different Instagram accounts because my job is just that important, and I double-check what account I’m on every single time I post something! It’s an easy mistake to make, but that just means you need to be careful.
After the comment got clocked by the entire internet, she deleted it, but it was too late. From there, she went into full damage control mode, and it didn’t go super well. She got her friend (sister? idk, the account has no info) to comment on photo, saying that the comment came from her, but she “was logged into Madi’s from when she got back from filming.” Um, yeah, I’m calling bullsh*t on that. According to spoilers, filming for Peter’s season ended in early November. As you may know, it’s now January, which means that even if Madison makes it to the end, she’s been back for a full two months.
Even if this other woman was running Madison’s Instagram while she was away, I don’t believe that she just hasn’t checked her own Instagram since November. Madison quickly responded, saying that “it happens” but like, does it? This explanation is shaky at best, and I’m disappointed that Madison couldn’t come up with something a little more convincing.
But this weird, bad cover-up has yet another layer, and it only gets more puzzling. After Madison’s friend or whoever took the blame, another account posted a story with more aggressive explanation of what allegedly happened here. The post explains that Madi’s “sisters has access to her account, and they commented.” Besides this being terrible grammar, I also don’t really get why her sisters would be just casually on her account. Whatever.
The most important thing is the account that posted this story: @teammadisonprewett. An actual fan account! While the account is anonymous, it was probably made by someone who knows Madison, because it was started the day ABC released contestant photos on Facebook back in September. Sure, it could have just been someone who wanted to hang onto the handle in case she made it far, but who else would make a fan account for someone based on one photo and a first name? This was way before we had any actual info about the contestants or the season. The account probably run by one of her sisters or something, if not Madison herself. Either way, giving the inside scoop on your Instagram f*ckup to a fan page for yourself isn’t the way to make people believe you. And also, the overly aggressive tone and capitalization screams middle school cyber bullying. Like nobody here is SPREADING lies, we’re just stating a logical explanation for what’s happening. And what’s more PATHETIC—pointing that out or running a fan Instagram for someone who won’t be relevant past August? Yeah, I’m convinced this is like, a younger sister or little cousin behind this account.
Naturally, Madison is getting trolled all over the internet about how “genuine and real” she is, and I’m mostly just disappointed that the whole season is filmed in advance, so Chris Harrison won’t get to make fun of her for it. Maybe in 2020, The Bachelor needs to happen in real time. Like, if I were Peter, I would want to know all the dirt that Reddit had dug up on my contestants, not just the two fun facts that the producers put on the bios. If I found out someone I was dating made a fake fan page for herself, that might actually affect my opinion of them!
But alas, Peter has already made his choices, so we just have to watch to see if Madison lets her desperation show in some other way while she’s in the house. I mean, all of these women are desperate, so she’ll probably still be fine either way. Isn’t this season fun!
Images: ABC; bachsleuthers, madiprew, thebetchelor / Instagram
