If you, too, have been doing your best to help flatten the curve, you haven’t left your home in what feels like years. Back when life didn’t seem like the plot of Contagion, I thought spending a little more time in my French-country-meets-bohemian apartment sounded like it could be nice. However, after a week of being locked in what I now realize is a tiny box coated in about a thousand layers of paint that keep the doors from closing all the way, I am les mis, to say the least.
And I’m not the only one; my skin is also suffering through this difficult time. Look, even though my complexion should be thanking me for not covering it in 17 different cosmetics everyday, it does not appear to be showing any gratitude. As it just so happens, being deprived of vitamin D and living in an apartment where the heat doesn’t turn off until May isn’t very good for my face. If you have noticed that your skin is feeling more sensitive and drier than usual, you are not alone and you do not have to accept that your skin is f*cked. Over the course of four New York winters, three New York summers in an overly air conditioned office, and several spring breaks on the West Coast, I tried about every skincare product out there, and these are my favorite moisturizing and/or soothing ones that combat the elements of an apartment.
Like I said, I’ve experimented with a myriad of products, but I always come back to this one. I have been using it for about eight years and am just as obsessed now as I was when I got it as a little baby college freshman. What I love most about it is the consistency: it goes on kind of thick, but it doesn’t just sit on your skin and rub off the second you touch your face. It takes about 10 minutes to absorb on a normal day, but on the days that I am chilling inside, it absorbs almost instantly. It’s also very reasonably priced, which is great because I’m using way more now than usual.
(If you haven’t noticed, I love Kiehl’s.) The skin around your eyes is much thinner than the skin on the rest of your face, which is why it’s usually the first place where you’ll find signs of aging. *sigh* A lot of people who try this cream hate it because it goes on like cream cheese (very tick and heavy), but those people didn’t bother learning how to use it! This does, indeed, go on very thick, but after you work it into your skin, you can actually feel it breaking down to a very watery consistency, at which point, you use your ring finger to dab it into the skin.
I wear this at night because even though it does absorb, it leaves your skin a little shiny and not in a cute way. Its hero ingredient is avocado oil, which is super moisturizing and can help keep that sensitive area around your eyes from getting too dry and angry.
If there is a brand I may love more than Kiehl’s, it’s Lush. I really appreciate that literally every ingredient in their products is natural and pronounceable. This was actually the first product I ever tried from Lush and since then, I have spent many, many dollars in this headache-inducing store.
Anyway, if your skin is dry, moisturizing is key, but so is exfoliating. Even if you can’t see it, which is probably for the best, your dry skin flakes and forms a layer of dead skin on your face (gross) and blocks your other products’ ability to do what they’re supposed to do. This Lush mask smells like a Thin Mint, which, for a while, was its main selling point for me. It’s also made with honey (super moisturizing), mint (soothing) and ground aduki beans (exfoliating). Unlike a chemical exfoliator, the ground aduki beans exfoliate your skin when you wash the mask off. I usually wet my hands and just kind of move the mask, which doesn’t dry on your skin, around my face and I can feel the beans exfoliating. I am always left feeling super clean and rejuvenated.
After exfoliating, it’s important to soothe your skin, and the best way to do that is with a very gentle serum. Serums are great because they’re the most concentrated of all skincare products, but this one is my favorite because it’s not very aggressive. I don’t entirely understand which ingredients do this, but the second I spread it around my face, it feels cooling and soothing. It’s a really slippery, gel-like serum that goes a long way. I’m obsessed.
Until I tried this two years ago, I was a firm believer in cleansers being kind of a waste. Like, it’s on your face for 30 seconds tops, so how much could it possibly do, right? Then I stole this from my mom and I am so happy I did. First of all, having vitamin C in your skincare routine is essential. Secondly, your cleanser should leave your skin feeling clean (duh) and supple. When you cleanse your face and it feels tight and dry, that means your cleanser is way too harsh. This one has a lotion-like texture, which, in my opinion, is ideal for a cleanser because it’s easy to move around, doesn’t get everywhere, and it’s rich enough do do its job.
I am fully prepared to get verbally murdered in the comments because this price is laughable and almost offensive, but I swear it is worth it. I went on Accutane when I was in high school and this balm was the only product that kept my lips from ripping in half. I know Aquaphor is allegedly amazing, but in my opinion, this is the only thing that works when my lips are dry af. Because it’s so expensive, this is definitely not my everyday product for chapped lips; it’s my go-to when I feel like smiling could be dangerous for my mouth. It has a really buttery texture and does this thing where half of it absorbs and the other half coats and protects your lips. Most importantly, it’s not sticky, so if you shake your head and a strand of hair touches your lips, it wont be there until the day you die.
Image: Unsplash; SpaceNK; Lush; Kieh’s (2); Image Skin Care; Dermstore
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As the child of a Jewish mother, I was not allowed to wear makeup or use heat on my hair until I was out from under her roof. Not because we were, like, really religious or anything, just because Jewish mothers are terrifying and what they say goes. So needless to say, I was not cute until I was properly introduced to makeup as a college freshman. Yikes! For all of you bitches who are about to light me up and tell me that women don’t need to wear makeup to be beautiful, I will say to you what I say to my mom when she tells me I don’t need to drink to have fun: I DO, OKAY?! On days I skip my beauty routine, I look like an exhausted toddler who just ran away from home. Safe to say, I believe in the power of skincare and makeup more than I do good genes. My mom is hot, but that didn’t really translate in her spawn.
Slightly switching gears: I am not a health nut because I love Domino’s thin-crust pizza too much (bless up) , but the recent cancer diagnosis of a family member forced me to reevaluate the toxic sh*t I put on and in my body. It’s been real f*ckboys, but I gotta say goodbye. Ladies, do yourselves a favor and look at the
ingredients chemicals in your foundation, perfume and lip gloss. Is it just me, or is every ingredient a 15-syllable word that ends in “oxide?” I mean, I feel like Penelope Cruz in that Pantene commercial trying to pronounce some of the ish on the label of my Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer. I know what you’re thinking: Why don’t you just stop wearing makeup? And to you, I say, “LOL, good one!” Instead, I completely switched my beauty routine so that every product is made from ingredients I’ve heard of. So if you want to protect your hair, face and body from disgusting chemicals that beauty conglomerates pack into their BS products, see my favorite natural beauty products below.
1. Mad Hippie Cream Cleanser
Ok, truth be told, I don’t really wear a ton of face makeup because my skin is naturally pretty clear, even-toned and glowy. Don’t @ me, I already know I’m #blessed. However, I attribute that perfect trifecta to this cleanser, which smells how Central Park would smell if the hot dog vendors and chainsmokers hung out somewhere else. My point is that it smells like nature, okay? There are nine active ingredients, including organic jojoba oil, orchid extract, algae extract and green tea. The thin cream comes in the prettiest tinted glass packaging, so in addition to making my face look like an Instagram filter, it upgrades my fugly bathroom shelf, too. Anyway, I’m not a dermatologist, but I met with one last week and he told me that your cleanser shouldn’t leave skin feeling squeaky clean and tight. Your skin naturally produces oils that keep your face internally moisturized and healthy, so if you scrub them away, you can say howdy to the pending blackheads, acne and dryness that are about to call your mug home. No thanks! Lastly, as a bitch on a budget, I am also thrilled that this cleanser is pretty cheap and sold at culinary mecca, Whole Foods. One more thing: if you’re a decent human being, you’ll be happy to know that this brand doesn’t test their products on animals. Praise be.
Mad Hippie Cream Cleanser – $15.99
2. RMS Beauty Living Luminizer
For those of you who aren’t familiar with this life-affirming beauty brand, listen up! When I was in high school, I would flip through the J.Crew catalog and quietly covet the models’ bedazzled hair accessories, popped collars and dewy skin. After launching an investigation into the makeup on set of these catalog shoots, I discovered RMS Beauty, and my life truly came together in that moment. The whole line is coconut oil-based, so no matter which RMS product you use, you will glow. The brand’s OG product is the Living Luminizer, and it’s really amazing. When it finally arrived in the mail, I kid you not, I felt more excited to dab this pearlescent magic on my cheekbones than I was to sit in front of Lucas Hedges in SoulCycle yesterday. We hit it off. Save the date, friends and fam. Anyway, now that the secret is out (thanks Sephora), RMS realized its true worth and massively jacked the prices up, but I would still buy it, because there is no price limit for perfect skin. Even guys are noticing my dewy cheeks! Thx, Lucas! It also now comes in several different shades, so even if you’re not ghostly pale like me, you’re going to love it.
RMS Beauty Living Luminizer – $38
3. Acure Simply Smoothing Shampoo + Mega Moisture Conditioner
This brand is a one-stop shop for all things skin and hair, but I’m only going to talk about the shampoo and conditioner. Sue me. I have the Simply Smoothing shampoo, whose standout ingredients are coconut oil and marula oil, and the Mega Moisture conditioner, which harnesses the delicious power of argan oil and pumpkin. Aside from all of the great health benefits of those four bomb ingredients, I would just like to say that I have never smelled better. Acure creates its magic potions sans parabens, sulfates and testing on animals, so go to Whole Foods and pick yourself up a few bottles–your hair will thank you. All of the products have pretty stupid names with alliteration, but I won’t hold that against the marketing team because Acure is a great brand doing great things. Ok back to the product: my hair is pretty easy, but it’s thick af, so finding a good shampoo/conditioner that doesn’t anger it is important to me. I’m pleased to report that after three months of using Acure, my hair is really smooth, shiny, and delicious-smelling. Hats off to Acure, you’re doing amazing sweetie!
Acure Mega Moisture Shampoo – $9.99
4. LUSH Mask of Magnaminty
Lush has been around for a long-ass time and if you’ve ever been to a mall, you would know that. If you’re like me, you get a headache from the gigantic wall of smells that hits you just from like looking in Lush’s direction, but the brand does have great, truly natural beauty products. When I first lived in New York for a fashion internship, my skin revolted against me. Maybe it was because I was so stressed about getting my boss’ unnecessarily complicated coffee order right, or maybe it was because New York is a disgusting place filled with pollution on every corner. I’ll never know. Anyway, I popped into a Lush, and after crying to the salesperson for a few minutes, was instructed to try Mask of Magnaminty, which smells like a Thin Mint and I’m here for it. This mask is like the epitome of a face mask: it’s thick, green and makes you look like Shrek. Not Princess Fiona. Shrek. Anyway, Mask of Magnaminty is made from 13 all-natural ingredients and two safe synthetics. Shoutout to the kaolin clay and peppermint that work as magnets to draw out all the crap that sits in your pores after a day of simply existing. This mask is also really chunky and grainy (yum!), so when you wash it off, you’re giving yourself a nice little exfoliation. One small thing to note: the 100% recyclable tin suggests applying generously to clean skin and rinsing off after ten minutes. I read that and laughed because I’m not about to spend money on something to use it for ten f*cking minutes. So I left it on for like an hour and I had zero negative reactions. Maybe because it’s not made from a bunch of poisons like other brands’ products? So, this mask is definitely not a necessity, but as long as New York’s manholes are still spewing whatever the f*ck is coming out of them on my way to work, I am buying this for my face.
LUSH Mask of Magnaminty – $14.99
Images: freestocks.org/Unsplash; Mad Hippie; RMS Beauty; Acure; LUSH
I don’t know how to tell you this. But I’m like, a teeny tiny bit of a hoarder. Not like Hoarders level bad, though. Probably. I am a total product junkie, especially if it’s special, glamorous, or seasonal. My tons and tons of bath products are all half-full (I’m ever the optimist), perfectly organized, but still probably an issue. I just feel like I have to try everything and I like to have a scent for every occasion. Which brings me to one of my favorite places to casually drop my rent money by accident: Lush. I’m so obsessed, in fact, that I actually had to start exploring creative ways to get more Lush. I’ve used their regular line products so many times that I wanted more. So for all of you, here are some of the best kept Lush secrets to make the most of your shopping at Lush.
If you have never shopped at Lush Kitchen, I’m sorry, you’re doing life wrong. The Kitchen is part of the UK store exclusively. It’s where they come up with all the Lush recipes and product ideas, and they release limited edition lines of products. The products are always amazing, in super high demand, and sell out almost immediately. I recommend following Lush Kitchen on Instagram or Twitter (@lushkitchen) so you’ll know when a new release is coming.
Products can be anything from totally brand-new stuff to old seasonal favorites to new creations using the same scent as popular products. For example, in my most recent Kitchen haul, I got a Lord of Misrule body lotion and an American Cream body lotion. Lord of Misrule is usually a shower cream that is only available around Halloween, and American Cream is the most heavenly smelling hair conditioner ever. I also ordered 10 other things I didn’t need. I have no regrets.
The only downside from shopping at Lush Kitchen is that you do have to pay for shipping from the UK. But again, you literally can’t get these products otherwise. Shipping is something like £7.99. I don’t know what that is in dollars, look it up. If you total up your cart and the shipping is like, £40, it means you’re ordering too much weight-wise, so it has to go to the more expensive shipping. To circumvent this, just divide your order up so you’ll only pay the £7 on each. #Math. However, if you’re only getting a couple of things from the Kitchen, check out the regular UK store (on the same website). They always get products before we do in the US and their product sizes are usually way bigger. Lush USA just recently started selling products in the XL size that the UK has had for years. What a scam.
Seasonal products are the best at Lush. The best holidays to shop for seasonal products are Halloween, Christmas (obviously), and weirdly enough, Mother’s Day. Just a couple tips: If you want anything seasonal, buy what you have to have online literally the day it’s released. Lush products always are available online about a week before they’re in stores. All these products are also limited edition, so once they sell out, they’re gone for good. One Halloween, they sold out of everything I wanted before it was even October, and tantrums were thrown. You can always return items if you hate the scent once you get them, but at least you don’t miss out on trying it. This is especially true for Christmas products. Don’t wait until it’s December to buy; all the best stuff will be gone. By the way, Halloween is already on their website. In case you were thinking of procrastinating, don’t.
Speaking of Christmas, both in stores and online starting the day after Christmas, all holiday products are 50% off. One year, I went online and I bought one of every gift package they had left, and I had Santa-themed baths until July. Shopping at Lush in the store is not recommended because are f*cking psycho, so avoid them and shop online. The only caveat to shopping online is you have to be super fast. I mean like, at 12am on December 26th, you better be checking out on their website fast. The best products will have sold out long ago, but you can still get decent bath bombs. They also always have Snow Fairy left because it smells like someone smacked you in the face with a sugar plum fairy. Not in a good way. Is there a good way to do that?
Lush will give you samples of literally any and everything. They will even cut off tiny slivers of solid soap. Whenever you do make it into the store, stock up on whatever they will give you. Some of their moisturizers are pretty expensive, so get some of those. I’m not sure why, but anyone who works at a Lush store behaves as if they snorted bath bomb-scented cocaine. They are all so enthusiastic about showing you the new products and watching bath bombs fizzle out in their little tubs. It’s super unsettling. But whatever. Just act very, very interested and walk away with tons of free sh*t.
Free Face Masks
They put little sticker notices about this on all of their labels, and yet somehow I still see people paying for fresh face masks. Never, ever pay for these, people. They are free if you bring in five empty containers. Lush is basically trying to force you to recycle via bribery, and I’m here for it. I keep a bag under my sink that I toss all my empty Lush bottles in and when I need a new mask, I collect from it. Okay, that makes me sound like a hoarder again, but at least there’s a reason for it. You can thank me for your flawless skin later.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2)
Welcome to skin care diaries, a new Betches segment, where we explore the reality (or not) of sticking to an elaborate skin care routine and how well it works.
Two things happened when I turned 25 years old. One, I tumbled into an immediate pit of existential despair because I had been alive for a quarter of a century and had yet to establish myself as a wunderkind in any field. Two, I started giving a sh*t about my skin. There might have been some other stuff in there, but those are the two that stick out.
Up until that point, I’d never been someone who actively pursued skin care. Like, sure, I washed my face in the shower and sometimes before bed if the simple act of removing my makeup hadn’t already exhausted me, but that was about as extensive as it got. I was more disciplined about sunscreen application than my friends, but definitely not as on top of it as I should have been. Because, it bears mentioning, I am pale as hell. We’re not talking “one base burn away from a tan” pale or “it’s the middle of February and everyone kind of looks like that pale.” We’re talking the kind of pale that would have made me outrageously popular in the Victorian era, but made growing up in Southern California a veritable health hazard.
After years spent trying to tan at all costs, suffering more sunburns than I can count, and doing God knows how much damage to my skin, I came to terms with the fact that a golden summer glow just wasn’t going to happen for me. But it still took a few years after that to realize that, if I started playing my cards right, I could maintain my youthful complexion for years to come while my friends all slowly withered away into leather bags. Or, at least, that’s what I told myself as I proceeded to drop hundreds of dollars in the name of establishing a skin care routine.
Me: *Spends countless hours and way too much money on skincare products*
After much trial and error, and a few allergic reactions, I have found a regimen that I’m decently happy with. In fact, I can say with absolute certainty that at the ripe old age of 26 and a half, my skin has never looked better. Not perfect, but better than I ever could have imagined as a shiny, perpetually rosy-faced 16-year-old.
I still come home some nights
drunk exhausted and do the bare minimum before falling into bed. My chin still breaks out from time to time. There’s a little more discoloration in places than I’d like, because I will never truly rid myself of the pink undertones bestowed upon me by centuries of ancestors who apparently never saw the sun. But most days I’m comfortable leaving the house without a stich of foundation—something I couldn’t have said two years ago.
What are my secrets? I’ll tell you, under the pretense that I make it very clear that I am not a dermatologist. I am not a skin care professional. I am not a person with any authority on any face but my own. But I’m hoping that by recording one week of my routine, I can at least shed light on the beauty that is skin care. My very own Pay It Forward, but hopefully without me getting stabbed in the end. We’ll see.
For starters, let’s outline the routine. It’s fairly basic, but that doesn’t mean I don’t try to talk myself out of one or two steps at least once a day. I do the following both in the morning and at night:
Face wash: Cetaphil Daily Facial Cleanser for Normal to Oily Skin. I’ve tried more expensive stuff that’s been great, but Cetaphil is cheap, reliable, and it doesn’t dry out my skin. Sometimes I’ll experiment with Birchbox samples that I get, but I always end up coming back to Cetaphil.
Toner: Thayer’s Rose Petal Witch Hazel. I pour a liberal amount on a cotton round and cover every inch of my face in it. Not only is this good for your skin, but it feels amazing. I would bathe in it if that was even slightly economically viable.
Serum: The Ordinary Hyaluronic Acid 2% + B5. The Ordinary is a skincare mecca, and it’s outrageously cheap. The downside is that the names aren’t the least bit intuitive and require a fair amount of research to understand, but it’s worth it. I also use their Serum Foundation, and can’t recommend it enough. Sure, the founder is certifiably insane, but he’s delivering quality products at a price I can afford. Pick your battles, you know? Hyaluronic Acid, despite what the name may imply, is actually a moisturizer. I slather my face and chest in it morning and night, which is the closest I get to hydration on any given day. It’ll feel a little sticky as it dries, but that dissipates fairly quickly. What’s left is baby smooth skin and an unwarranted sense of superiority. Relish in it.
Moisturizer: Boots No.7 Beautiful Skin Day Cream – Normal/Oily. Much like Cetaphil, this is more a purchase of convenience than anything else. It works well, it’s affordable by most moisturizer standards, and it doesn’t leave me feeling oily. I could probably find one I like better, but I’m not desperate to search at the moment.
Sunscreen: Either La Roche-Posay Anthelios Ultra Light SPF 60 or Sun Bum Original SPF 50. I wear sunscreen on my face from the second the sun appears in the spring until it goes into hiding in the fall. In Portland this runs from about mid-June through to the end of October, which can get expensive. To try and combat that, I’ll switch between La Roche-Posay, an expensive option that feels less sticky under makeup for work days, and Sun Bum, which is a drugstore-priced option without all the gross chemicals that come with Banana Boat or Coppertone.
If we’re being honest here, there are a lot of mornings where I’ll skip the Cetaphil and move straight to toning. But in honor of the first day of my skin care diaries, I actually washed my face before work. I do it for you.
Monday was the last day of the life-cycle of a truly heinous PMS-induced breakout on my chin, so I was still feeling a bit self-conscious. My foundation is super light and not made for that kind of coverage, but nothing some green concealer can’t fix.
I came home that night and followed my routine through without incident. I dabbed on an eye cream sample for good measure, because I figured overcompensating on the first day would make up for whatever mishaps I incurred throughout the week.
My skin to me:
Much like the rest of the world, Portland is in the middle of a heat wave. This is miserable for all the reasons you would imagine, with the added benefit that my 100-year-old apartment has no air conditioning. It gets so hot and humid in here that my roommate and I have started referring to it as the Everglades. Over the course of Tuesday, I break out the Witch Hazel no less than five times, because those split seconds of cool relief were the most comforting part of my entire day.
I kept to the routine on Tuesday except for one small divergence. That night I slept at a friend’s house, because she had the foresight to live somewhere with AC. Not only did she graciously usher me into her chilly oasis, but she let me use her Glamglow Face Wash, and in a moment of weakness I truly considered driving to Sephora and buying my own. Sure, it’s $32 a bottle and smells vaguely of licorice, but I don’t think there was an impurity left in my body after using it. If I washed my liver in Glamglow it would probably revert back to the state it was in before I discovered wine. It’s a miracle and truly worth a splurge on your next treat yo’self occasion.
Wednesday & Thursday
Both Wednesday and Thursday went by without incident. My chin was newly blemish-free, my skin was thriving in the sudden overcast weather, and I was feeling overtly confident having stuck fastidiously to my regimen over the past couple days. Which naturally meant disaster had to strike.
I made the mistake Friday of signing up for a 6am workout class. Nothing good ever comes from this, but every few weeks I convince myself it’s what healthy people do. Healthy people also probably responsibly pack a bag the night before rather than blindly racing around their room at 5:30 in the morning, haphazardly throwing things in a duffle bag before sprinting out the door.
I made it through the class and directly to the shower, only to find that I had forgotten both my Cetaphil and my toner. Panic set in. I couldn’t use my serum without washing my face. What was I, an animal?
Not content with just water but afraid to use shampoo, I made do with the only thing I had at my disposal: an Old Spice body wash that someone had left behind in the studio shower. It didn’t feel great, probably wrecked my clog-prone pores, and left my face smelling like my ex-boyfriend. In short, not an ideal start to the day.
I got home that night hellbent on righting the mistakes of the morning and (after thoroughly washing my face) broke out my favorite face mask: the Lush Cup O’ Coffee mask. I fully recognize that 90% of face mask culture is a total farce, something shiny and fun to spend your money on in the vain attempt at making you feel like you’re investing in yourself. I get that most are just oily messes that sit on top of your skin and do nothing but make you smell like an assortment of plants. But none of that is not true of this mask.
Not only does Cup O’ Coffee leave you smelling like, you guessed it, a cup of coffee, but it’s one of the single best exfoliators I’ve ever encountered. Apply liberally, let it sit for 15 minutes, and then scrub away for skin so fresh it’s like you just emerged from the womb. The gritty, lightly brown stained mess it leaves all over your sink is well worth the baby-soft face that you’ll spend the rest of the night caressing. I typically reserve this ritual for Sunday nights, as a way to set myself up for the week, but Friday called for it. I was back on track.
I spent Saturday in a cabin up at Mt. Hood with a group of friends and partook in a bunch of activities that are great for your body, but arguably not for your skin. I spent a substantial amount of time in the sun, likely without adequate coverage. I sweat more than I’d like to admit on a hike that could best be described as a well-meaning walk, then neglected to wash my face. I drank a lot—good for neither skin nor body but great for the soul. I ate kettle corn by the gallon full. And then, after a long night, I crawled into bed, made a half-hearted attempt at toning some of the grime off my face with only the moonlight and my phone to guide me, and then fell asleep. Best laid plans and all that.
On Sunday I woke up, face sticky from a mixture of what I imagine was margarita, kettle corn, and haphazard toning, feeling slightly guilty and a little hungover.
I washed my face and set out to right the wrongs of the night before with extra serum and moisturizer, which definitely isn’t how that works but I let myself believe it anyway.
I washed my face again upon returning home and then covered every possible inch of it with the Glossier Moisturizing Moon Mask. I don’t know why I approach skin retribution the way overcompensating, sh*tty boyfriends try to win back their girlfriends after a fight, but it’s probably just as effective. That is to say, it is not at all effective. I went to bed still feeling the effects of a day full of sugar and without any semblance of skin care, dreaming of kettle corn. So, a fairly average end to a weekend.
As you can see, I’m nowhere near perfect in this department. But what I’ve found is that doing something, no matter how minimal, is better than nothing at all. Sure, it can be tedious and expensive. Yeah, packing for overnight trips is kind of a pain. And yes, I’ve hyperventilated in the Sephora moisturizer section on more than one occasion. But barring some kind of Kardashian level of cosmetic assistance, you’re stuck with your skin for the rest of your life. Much like the 401k emails from HR you keep ignoring, it’s probably time to invest in it*.
*Disclaimer: I am even more unqualified to offer advice on 401k’s. Do not take my word for anything.
I am open to suggestions for a new moisturizer, so hit that comments section if you have any.
Images: Giphy (4)
Other than the fact that they are legitimate excuses to have your hair look terrible, heat and humidity are high-key life ruiners when it comes to your appearance. Blow drying your hair is the second worst activity with “blow” in the name that you’ll ever have to do, and it’s especially brutal in the summer. I’m sorry, but my 21st century attention span just cannot handle sitting still for 30 minutes unable to listen to music because a loud ass heat machine is blowing my hair beautiful. I just can’t do it. Luckily, there is a way to get away with leaving home with wet hair in the morning, and it’s called having the right products. Just make sure you leave early enough to stop at Starbs or something on the way to work so you don’t show up with dripping wet hair and an “I literally just rolled out of bed” attitude. These sprays, oils and hair masks will leave you with naturally beach looking hair without needed to use any heat tools.
Ouai Wave Spray
Jen Atkin, aka the HBIC responsible for the Kardashian hairstyles you screenshot to show your stylist, created the Ouai line to trick average betches into thinking they can have celeb hair, too. You’ll probably never come close to the perfection level of the locks of the Kardashian/Jenner clan, but for $26, you can at least try. The wave spray works for all hair types and smells sooo delushious *Chrissy Teigen voice.*
Bumble and Bumble BB Curl Defining Cream
If I was going to be stranded on a deserted island and could only bring one hair product, I’d take this. I understand that’s a bullshit scenario because nobody plans to be stranded on a island and I will never understand why we’re all so obsessed with asking each other what we’d take to be stranded on a fucking island, but you get my point. This cream is amazing. Besides creating really nice curls, it has UV filters to protect your hair from the sun and really helps the fact that once it’s hotter than 70 degrees, your hair wants to become a giant frizzball. Quick little tip, though: make sure to use a small amount. The first time I used this, I globbed a ton in my hair and it was a little too reminiscent of the crunched hair look from middle school for my taste. Less is more, betches.
Devacurl Melt Into Moisture Matcha Butter Conditioning Mask
This hair mask is perfect for all of you granola betches who are crunchy AF but don’t want your curls to be. You probably already spent most of your money on matcha (that guy who said we aren’t buying houses and diamonds because of avocado toast obviously doesn’t know the cost of a green tea latte addiction), so why not let the obsession spread to every other corner of your life? This hair mask is vegan and gluten free, which I’m sure your roommate will be thrilled to hear you talk about for hours on end.
LUSH Sea Spray Hair Mist
Speaking of natural, vegan stuff, Lush’s sea spray hair mist is basically like taking a dip in the ocean. Except, you’re probably in a tiny bathroom in New York City instead of frolicking around some exotic island. On the plus side, it definitely smells better than actual nature does, so technically you’re the true winner here.
Moroccanoil Frizz Control
Okay not to be gross, but as I’m typing this I’m literally leaving Moroccan oil fingerprints all over my keyboard because a) my life is a mess and b) I’m obsessed with putting this shit in my hair. If you’ve never tried Moroccanoil products before, you’re probably like, an alien or something because any betch who has ever received a free sample bag from Sephora or a Birchbox subscription has had at least a packet of this in her possession at some point. Even though it’s kiiind of basic, it really works.