Chris Soules may be the OG Nick Viall when it comes to stealing the title of The Bachelor from someone. Wait, I take that back. Chris may have run into some legal trouble this year, but at least he isn’t entirely undatable. Yes, I’m looking at you, Nick!
My point is, the rando/guy we all forgot about they chose to be the next Bachelor, Arie Luyendyk Jr., got screwed out of the job years ago, and his spot went to Soules instead. You know, like how Luke Pell had his bags packed for L.A. and then the job went to Nick? Well, Arie is saying that same thing happened to him.
He tweeted about it a year ago. By that time, everyone had forgotten about him after he lost to Jef on Emily Maynard’s season. Side note: is spelling your name “Jef” with one F more or less embarrassing than spelling it as “Geoff”?
Arie whatever his last name is told Us Magazine, also a fucking year ago, the Luke situation gave him flashbacks: “Same exact deal. I just knew two days prior, but same deal: suit fittings; contracts that I signed, but they were delayed on signings on their end; booked flights. Maybe this is a common practice now to throw off fans — I don’t know.”
Of course, nobody cared that he had been passed over just like Luke when this story broke last year because, once again, nobody remembered who he was. Honestly, I still don’t really remember who he is and I watched that whole season religiously.
Anyway, I guess he wasn’t too scorned by the whole ordeal because he decided to take the job five years after the fact. Time heals all wounds, eh, Arie?
It kind of seems like this guy is made to be a runner-up, right? Like, Emily didn’t want him, then the producers didn’t want him, now the rest of America doesn’t want him because we’re all still pining for Peter. Change our mind during your season, man. We’re all rooting for you, kind of.
decided to ruin my life announced who the next Bachelor is and he is a total rando. That’s right people, the new Bachelor is a complete stranger to me, Arie fucking Luyendyk Jr., a man who was on The Bachelorette FIVE YEARS AGO and who also looks about as fresh as the 40-year-old on Tinder I accidentally swiped right on. Because that’s clearly what America asked for: an accidental Tinder swipe. First of all, ABC, how dare you. The last time Arie was relevant to this franchise, I was drinking Four Lokos that still had caffeine in them. THAT’S THE LAST TIME. So don’t you dare try to tell me differently. To put things even more in perspective for you, Emily (the Bachelorette that year) has met and married someone who was not on the show and birthed not one, but TWO of his children since the time she dated Arie. Which brings me to my second point, ABC, why would you do this? There are so many other Instagram influencers good guys out there to choose from, and yet you decided to go back into the catacombs of this franchise to find the next Bachelor? Really? That’s what you’re trying to sell me rn? Nope. I’m not here for it. I won’t stand for it and I refuse to watch will definitely still watch next season. But Mike Fleiss? Welcome to your tape. Because ABC refuses to take my happiness into account, no matter how many savage tweets I tag them in, I guess I’ll have to take it upon myself to point out who would make better a Bachelor candidate than Arie fucking Luyendyk.
8. Hot Asian Whose Name I Can’t Remember
Okay, I’m sure he has a name, but I’m really
coming up short in my internet stalking drawing a blank here. While I don’t remember his name, I do 100 percent remember that he was an ex-Marine and the most beautiful human to ever grace my television screen after three glasses of wine. Hot Asian was on Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette, but was sent home way before his time, on the first damn night. Like, Whaboom lasted longer than this guy. WHABOOM. The man was an American hero, but got bested by a guy who has his own catchphrase. Whatever. Hot Asian, I’ll pour one out for you and ABC’s missed opportunity to make you a star.
7. Deanie Babies
Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean. Where do I even begin with you? Let’s start with the fact that you have the emotional maturity of someone who makes fart noises with his elbow. I should have known you’d turn out this way when Rachel started asking you hard-hitting questions like “tell me about yourself?” and the only response you could come up with was:
Jesus Christ. I’ve been so blind. You also broke
my Kristina’s heart in Mexico, because you’d rather fuck a Tickle Me Elmo doll Danielle L than actually embrace your emotions, but I’d STILL rather see you as the Bachelor over Arie. If anything, watching Dean act like a fuckboy with 25 of America’s most eligible dental hygienists would be a good exercise in controlling my rage blackouts. I’m sensing we both might have gotten some personal growth out of that.
6. Robby’s Errant Hair
The real breakout star of Bachelor in Paradise this season was Robby’s errant hair. Something tells me this little hair has stories to tell, and honestly I’d rather watch three months of Robby trying to
find love tame this fucking hair than Arie as the new Bachelor.
5. Luke Pell
Luke was fucking robbed last year by the bane of my existence, Nick Viall, because Luke didn’t have as much blackmail on ABC as Nick did. Luke had the full Bachelor package: he was hot, could say, “Texas Forever,” and mean it, and he served in the armed forces. I’ll even excuse the fact that he looks like he was manufactured in a Mattel factory, because he was sensitive AF and when he cried, I cried. But I guess none of that matters when you’re competing against someone with a lisp. Sighs. Since his time on JoJo’s season, Luke has been sleeping with literally every woman who has ever been on The Bachelor, so, like, he probably has some
STDs baggage there, but I still think he’d still make for a good fucking season.
^^Honestly ladies, he’s still single
I’m not gonna lie; I didn’t love Chase on JoJo’s season. He was hot AF, don’t get me wrong, like 10/10 would still slide into his DMs, but he had this look in his eyes that said “I’m dead inside.” It was like looking into the mirror and watching someone try and emotionally connect with Wednesday Addams. But let’s never forget the moment JoJo dumped his ass right before the fantasy suites. His mature reaction to the breakup was to grab a beer for the cab ride to the airport and mumble into the camera the most savage clapback: “Is this my fucking fantasy suite?” *slow claps* Honestly, if that doesn’t say
good TV America’s next Bachelor, then I don’t know what does.
I’ve been rooting for Wells since JoJo’s season, when ABC forced him to go on that group date that involved a strenuous amount of physical activity and they had to give him oxygen by the end of it. Honestly so relatable. But Wells has really come into his own this summer as the Gretchen Weiners of Paradise. Tbh I’d tune in every week just to hear him
talk shit recap his date with the women. If it’s anything like his Alexis impersonation, then I’m sold.
I would fucking LOVE to see Kenny as the Bachelor. Again, this guy was the full package: he was an attentive father, super sweet, and v attractive. Plus ABC forced him to spend way too much time in the presence of that racist piece of shit, Lee. Like, that alone should be enough for him to get his own season. ABC, you owe him. Well that, and the fact that he might be in need of a new career since he is credited as a professional wrestler but lost a mud wrestling match to some rando from Rachel’s season. Plus THINK of the spin-off potential. His daughter, who low-key looks old enough to have a college degree, could be the next Bachelorette. We could really turn this into a family affair, ya know.
1. Ben Z
Okay, why is nobody talking about what a catch Ben Z is? WHY? When ABC pulled him out of the archives for Paradise this summer, I’ll admit I was skeptical. I legit did not remember him from Kaitlyn’s season, and he looks a little too much like he enjoys going to the gym for my taste. But you could grill an egg on how hot that body of his is, and most importantly, HE HAS A DOG. We cannot let this beautiful specimen of a human grow old with just Fido by his side. Seriously, I’ve started Go Fund Me pages over less. He needs a lady in his life, and that lady should be me. Ben Z, call me.
BEN Z: *breathes*
Nick Viall is out of our lives forever, or at least until Dancing With The Stars, so now it is time to concentrate on what’s really important—who is going to be on Bachelor in Paradise? Because, at the end of the day, every season of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette is really just one big group audition for Paradise. Cast members who prove themselves crazy enough (Corinne), hot enough (Corinne), and desperate enough (double Corinne) all get the chance to have sex with each other on an island, just like God and Chris Harrison intended. With the existence of BiP, it’s hard to believe why anyone would want to actually win the show anymore. Like, at the end of this season Raven ended up with all-expense-paid trip to bang on a beach in Mexico and Vanessa ended up with…Nick Viall? Cool prize.
So, which Bachelor cast members are going to be mashed up (literally) down in Mexico? Well, we don’t really know yet. But here’s everyone who has talked about it, and exactly what they’ve said:
We already know that Raven will be there, soaking up the sun and as many orgasms as possible. I think it’s safe to say that this year’s runner-up and her incredible eyelashes won’t be returning to Hoxie anytime soon.
As we all know, Corinne Olympios simply must appear on next season of BiP. Despite that the fact that when asked about BiP, Corinne reportedly said “I don’t think so” and “It’s too early to tell right now,” I think it’s safe to say that that is bullshit and Corinne and her platinum vagine will be napping in paradise or the Bachelor producers have totally shit the bed on everything they’re supposed to be good at.
Wonder if they’ll fly Raquel out with her?
Despite being kicked off season 3 literally night one for being a drunk idiot (same), Chad will be back for season 4. According to Chad he’s “already agreed to it,” and given the rumors that Corinne and Chad are already texting, I think it’s safe to say these two will be eating meat plates and cheese pasta in paradise veeeery soon.
Chris Soules is still looking for love, apparently. He told Entertainment Tonight that he’s def been asked but isn’t sure what to do due to concerns over the readiness of his beach bod. “I’ve gotten chubby. That’s my main concern. Those guys have abs and shit.”
That they do, Chris. That they do.
Bachelor Nation is already losing it over the prospect that Luke Pell might be the next man lucky enough to give Raven Gates an orgasm this season in Mexico, but Luke is still not confirmed. He told Life & Style, “I like Mexico. I like sitting on the beach with attractive people, and margaritas and mariachi bands, so I don’t know. Maybe. We’ll see.” Um yeah Luke that sounds like a yes. Sorry, Danielle L, looks like you’re getting dumped (again).
Our favorite drunk person who doesn’t know the different between a dolpin and a shark is all but confirmed for this season of BiP. She has been quoted as saying “Hell yeah, I’m so down for it!” and “I feel like I came out of the womb for Bachelor in Paradise.” We agree, Alexis. We all agree.
Grant came away with at least one failed engagement his last stint on Bachelor in Paradise, so why not go for two? He says he’s open to it, telling Life & Style, “It was a lot for me last time I was on it. I don’t regret doing it, but it would really just depend on who will be there.”
Danielle M was mostly boring on Nick’s season of The Bachelor, but she showed up at the Women Tell All with a fire makeover that all but solidified her a spot in paradise. But apparently boring-ass Danielle is on the fence for a predictably boring reason: “I don’t know if the hospital will let me take off more time.” Honestly Danielle, with answers like that you legit do not deserve paradise.
There will obvs be more people as we get closer to the season, but I think it’s safe to say that, as long as Corinne is there, so are we.
Luke Pell, the war vet singer-songwriter who, for reasons we will never understand, was passed over as The Bachelor this season in favor of turtleneck crybaby Nick Viall, may have found love on his own with one of Nick’s own girls! Danielle L, who spent the first couple of episodes of Nick’s season as a potential frontrunner until Nick realized she was boring AF and sent her home immediately after she told him she loved him (ouch) and Luke are apparently dating now, and they didn’t even need a trip to the BIP island to make it happen. But before you lose it over the fact that you and Luke will never be together now, things are not that serious. I mean, you prob still don’t have a chance with Luke or anyting, but he’s not fully taken.
According to an interview he did with US magazine, he and Danielle L are still in the hanging out phase of their relationship, which in layman’s terms means they’re just hooking up right now. Luke told US that he still considers himself single (does Danielle know that?) and that he’s “just trying to get to know people and try to take everything slow.” All of this is particularly awkward when you consider that at least some of Nick’s contestants had come into the show thinking The Bachelor would be Luke, since casting pulled the plug and switched to Nick (whywhywhywhy) just hours Luke was supposed to board a flight to L.A. and start dating 30 women at once. Everyone—even the casting department—thought that Luke was going to be The Bachelor, which begs the question, did Danielle L come for Nick, or Luke?
According to that same interview, after the Pell-Viall switch was made, casting had to reach out to all the girls to see who would stay given that their bachelor had now changed from a West Point graduate war vet with the voice of an angel to someone who once said the phrase “If you weren’t in love with me I’m just not sure why you made love with me?” on national television as if he’s never heard of horniness his life. After the girls who didn’t GAF who The Bachelor was because the whole point was to be on television anyway were selected, casting had to then find new girls who specifically wanted to date Nick Viall and at least one mental health counselor for support.
So which was Danielle, a fame whore who is down to date anyone as long as it means TV time, or a complete lunatic who would actually volunteer to date Nick Viall in front of millions of people? I guess we’ll never know, but a word to the wise Danielle, do not tell Luke you love him after two dates. That shit does not go well.