The Most Garbage Men To Compete On ‘The Bachelorette’, Ranked

In case you haven’t been paying attention, The Bachelorette is not a show about finding love. It is not a show about reality. It is a money-making empire designed to f*ck with our feelings, pad Mike Fleiss’ dirty, shameful pockets, and pluck a few pretty people from obscurity and throw them into moderate internet fame. For the few of you that still believed, I’m sorry I ruined the show for you, and also my pal Jack just sold me some magic beans I think you might be interested in! Venmo me! 

Because it’s a TV show designed to bring in viewers, obviously the producers try to pick contestants that will bring the drama. But lately, instead of bringing the drama, they have been bringing the sex offenders, the racists, the cheaters, and the misogynists. I’m not sure if they’re stupid or just don’t give a sh*t. One day I’d like to investigate that, so if you’re a Bachelor producer please hit me up, and also I’m sorry I just called you lazy and stupid. And I’m sorry for repeating it here now. So, I decided to take a look back at some of the worst contestants to ever grace The Bachelorette, ranked from “you’re a douche” to “I’m calling the police. Oh wait, someone else already did.” Let us begin! 

Bentley Williams

Bentley is a throwback to the simpler days, when reality TV show villains were just your garden-variety f*ckboys, instead of your garden-variety convicted felons. My, how times have changed! Bentley was on Ashley Hebert’s season way back in 2011, a beautiful time when my parents still paid for everything and three drinks didn’t make me throw up. Bentley went into the season hoping the Bachelorette would be Emily Maynard, and when it wasn’t, decided to have his fun, pretend to be into Ashley, and emotionally torture her instead. A man after my own heart. He called breaking up with Ashley a “huge performance,” and said she was an “ugly duckling.” Yes, I also can’t believe this guy made it to the “best” spot on my list. 

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I’m locking it up.

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Be nice to this one, Bentley! 

Chad Johnson

Chad Johnson, aka Mr. Meats, showed up to Jojo’s season of The Bachelorette with an unsettling smile, a lot of rage, and likely, the steroids he smuggled through security up his butt. He outwardly sneered at the other men, and looked down on them for being on a reality show… that he was also on. He also threatened to “cut everyone’s arms and legs off” which is apparently a “violently inappropriate” phrase, according to the official reprimand I received from my office that one time. 

And as if all that wasn’t enough, Chad then went to Paradise, shat his pants, and was kicked off for “offensive antics”, which included the aforementioned pants sh*tting, and telling Chris Harrison, the Godfather himself, “f*ck you.” Single ladies, this is what we have left! And he was “vetted”! 

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I’m not sure why I work so hard in the gym. But this is my arm. And it’s fuckin big. And I like it.

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So I guess he’s still hitting the steroids pretty hard 

Jed Wyatt

I’m not going to waste too much time on Jed, because we already know he went on The Bachelorette with the intention of getting famous and returning to his girlfriend when he was done. You ain’t sh*t, Jed. Also, everyone goes on this show to get famous, but Jed was just too stupid to to hide it. Try harder, Jed! It makes it even worse that we know he’s in the final three. At least have the grace to see yourself out before the fantasy suite, you two-timing Tim McGraw wannabe. 

Also every time he sang the words “I want to be your Mr. Right” it sent a violent shiver down my spine and an angel lost her wings. 

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caption Merc, go.

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I should have known he was a cat person.

Garrett Yrigoyen

While Becca’s season was on, it was revealed that Garrett had liked a number of problematic Instagram posts. So, instead of ending up with a middle-aged, washed-up race car driver with a limited vocabulary, she ended up with a dude who thinks the Parkland students are crisis actors and probably says things about her friends like, “they’re a 2 at 10 and a 10 at 2!” Becca got so lucky. 

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Loved working with @wayfair Registry to get everything we needed for Becca and my new Carlsbad pad! We were able to blend both of our styles to make this new city feel like home. Link in bio to shop the space and head over to the @wayfair page today for some fun behind the scenes photos from the makeover! #wayfairwedding #wayfairathome #partner

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Luke Parker

He took up way too much of our time at the Men Tell All, so I’ll just say that this list is so bad that slut-shamers land solidly in the middle. Congrats, Luke! You’re not the most vile! And that’s the nicest thing I’ll ever say about you. 

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You, sir, are not guac.

Lee Garrett

Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette was historic—she was the first black Bachelorette in the history of the franchise. To celebrate, the producers rewarded her with a suitor that was racist. So sweet! Again I ask, are the producers lazy, or just stupid, or are they actually all puppies dressed in suits pretending to run background checks? Twitter is not the dark web! It is pretty easy to find out if one of your contestants has tweeted that, say, Black Lives Matter is a terrorist group, or, maybe, really hates women. As my mother says to me when she’s found the man I’m dating has fathered multiple children, “did you not just conduct a simple Google search?”

I WOULD SUGGEST YOU CONDUCT A SIMPLE GOOGLE SEARCH, ABC. 

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Mornin, y’all! It’s #internationalselfcareday #tacotuesday and #nationaltequiladay. This is getting out of hand. From the beard look and my favorite coffee cup, it’s safely said, I’ve yet to take part in either.

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Leo Dottavio

We’ve now moved into the sexual harassment portion of the article. Leo was the romance novel cover model (I could be making that up, but it’s true in my brain), who finished in the top six on Becca’s season. Then he went to Paradise where he proceeded to try and fight America’s Sweetheart, Grocery Store Joe. After he left the show, Bekah Martinez revealed screenshots of a woman accusing him of sexual harassment. Leo’s response was “I’m sorry that girl was offended that I assaulted her,” (I paraphrase), and then proceeded to threaten Bekah with a lawsuit as all truly innocent people do. 

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Just play to your strengths boys that’s all any of us can do ??? #pastels #got #drogo #realfunnyguys #funnyvideos #oldtownroad #healthyfood #drinks #cocacola

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Lincoln Adim 

And finally we have Lincoln, who was actually CONVICTED of indecent assault after attacking a woman on a cruise ship, and is required to register as a sex offender. They let a sex offender pursue our Bachelorette! People think I’m extreme for bookmarking the sex offender registry, but I think ABC producers would really benefit from having a look at my browsing history. It would save everyone a lot of lawsuits trouble. Oh, yeah, and this guy used to sh*t on the floor at work. That’s too many contestants that have trouble controlling their bowels, man. 

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With the recent increase in gas prices in LA, I've discovered an affordable alternative method of transportation ???? • • •#quayaustralia#bird#losangeles#venicebeach#summer#beach#gq#fashion#adventure#picoftheday#explore#sunset_stream

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His last post was over a year ago, because he’s in jail, I presume?

I’m sure I’m forgetting so many trash men that have been vetted and let on this show for our entertainment, but I only have so much time, energy, and brain power that I can dedicate to this show before it melts my organs. Throw the losers I forgot in the comments, please! 

Images: bentley_w, realchadjohnson, jedwyatt, gy_yrigoyen, luke_parker777, leegarrett_, leofdot, linkin_/ Instagram

Hannah And Luke Are Feuding About Sin On Twitter

This season of The Bachelorette might really be the most dramatic ever, and it’s only getting messier as we get down to the end. Two of the three remaining contestants have had their shady past relationships exposed at this point, so Hannah’s chances of finding her Prince Charming aren’t looking great. But at least this week, we finally got rid of Luke P, who has been like a cancer on this show since approximately week two. I don’t usually have a lot to say about Jesus, but it’s impossible to ignore at this point. Hannah and Luke’s final argument on last night’s episode was instantly iconic, and now they’ve taken things over to Twitter.

Luke just joined Twitter for the first time yesterday, and now it’s pretty clear that he wanted to wait until he could properly sh*t talk Hannah for the whole world to see. Classy move, really. Hannah obviously knew that we were all eagerly waiting for the moment when Luke would be sent packing, so her tweet after his elimination was everything we could have wanted:

and that’s how it’s (finally) done. you’re welcome. #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/oqNs8yvMgh

— Hannah Brown (@AlabamaHannah) July 16, 2019

Of course, that meant that Luke could finally say what he wanted about Hannah, and he immediately chastised her for not feeling guilty about having sex.

@AlabamaHannah The difference in how we view sin is seen in the response, I’m weeping at mine and you’re laughing at yours. All sin stings. My heart hurts for both of us.

— Luke Parker (@luke_parker777) July 16, 2019

Aside from the fact that Hannah can do whatever she wants, and is free to feel however she wants about it, it’s super patronizing for Luke to tell her that his “heart hurts” for both of them. Like, cool story bro, pretty sure Hannah doesn’t give a sh*t about your heart.

Thankfully, Hannah didn’t have any problem responding to Luke’s belittling tweet about sin, and good for her for keeping the Biblical theme going.

@luke_parker777 time and time again jesus loved and ate with “sinners” who laughed. and time and time again he rebuked “saints” that judged. where do you fall Luke? #TheBachelorette https://t.co/FlhZ5JbOCA

— Hannah Brown (@AlabamaHannah) July 16, 2019

Is this the kind of thing I missed out on by not going to Catholic school? Do you just sit around and throw insults about sinners and saints? I’m kind of obsessed.

Hannah and Luke then went back and forth about whether or not sin is funny, a discussion which Hannah promptly shut down by bringing up the infamous deli meat situation. Props to her for going there, excellent use of shade, 10/10.

i have never said that i find my sin funny. i’m not going to lectured on appropriate emotional responses by a guy who threw deli meat in a guys lap. https://t.co/hc8lsPUUA8

— Hannah Brown (@AlabamaHannah) July 16, 2019

Luke went on to shame Hannah one more time for her tweets about the windmill and the wood, and I really just have one burning question I need to ask: WHO GIVES A SH*T? If you think having sex with multiple people is wrong, good for you, don’t have sex with multiple people. Luke willingly went on a show where one person is dating many people at the same time, and for him to be so offended that Hannah had sex with someone else says way more about him than Hannah. He can have whatever personal beliefs he wants, but to shame Hannah for not sharing those same beliefs is seriously not okay.

Your tweets about the windmill and the wood were enough, it’s not about the action it’s about the response. If you want to talk about it, you know how to get ahold of me. https://t.co/BQpIn0TqEh

— Luke Parker (@luke_parker777) July 16, 2019

Based on the preview for next week’s episode of The Bachelorette, we have at least one more Hannah and Luke interaction coming, but based on this toxic dynamic on Twitter, I feel pretty confident that their relationship is over for good. Sadly, it’s not like her other choices are much better (Team Tyler at this point, I guess), but at least she’s not going to settle for a man who treats her like a child in the name of religion. If you love Jesus, good for you, but your relationship with the Lord doesn’t make you better than anyone else.

I hope Luke eventually gets to a place where he can see how problematic his treatment of Hannah is, and I hope Hannah is somewhere having mind-blowing sex. It’s what she deserves.

Images: ABC; alabamahannah (3), Luke_parker777 (2) / Twitter