As usually happens with new seasons of The Bachelor or Bachelorette, the day after the premiere the internet was flooded with recaps (none as good as ours), predictions, memes, and deep dives into the antics of narcissistic, overly tanned men who have voluntarily signed up to let the entire country watch them all try to fuck the same girl. Move aside, baseball, this is America’s greatest past time.
This year there was one man so loud, so outrageous, so all-encompassing, that he overtook any and all coverage of the first week’s episode. You all know who I’m talking about. Whaboom would offend me if I wasn’t so absolutely sure that he’s going to die three episodes in from a self-inflicted stroke. While everyone was writing about him, his catchphrase, his outfit, his IMDB page, and his tendency to fat shame people on Instagram, other beautiful moments were fading away from our collective memory. He whaboomed his way into our minds and left room for nothing else.
No more. Today I present to you the unsung heroes of Rachel Lindsey’s Bachelorette premiere. May they finally receive the respect and recognition they deserve.
1. Blake K.
Not only did I think Blake was making it through at least two international trips this season, five minutes before the premiere started I very boldly declared him the next Bachelor in front of my entire viewing party. That’s how confident I was in this super hot veteran. Why, you ask? Because hot veterans are The Bachelor franchise’s bread and butter.
Do you think Luke Pell’s cardboard personality would have gotten him anywhere if he weren’t a male model who served his country? Hell no. But give him a uniform and let him brood in a field in Texas and WHABOOM (I’m sorry), television gold.
Here’s hoping that Blake made enough of an impression on Bachelor Nation to secure his spot in paradise. If the Buzzfeed rumors are true and he left because of his ailing grandfather (WOULD YOUR MAN EVER), I think it’s safe to say this won’t be the last we see of Blake.
Forever the one who got away. We won’t forget you, Blake K.
2. This Man’s Jacket
After 10 minutes of internet diving I cannot find a better picture of Peter from Wisconsin’s jacket, which means it was truly an unsung hero of this premiere. Not a single article written about it! Yesterday I saw a Buzzfeed quiz about blowjob habits and how your food preferences determine the type of dog you owned in a previous life, and yet not one. Single. Article. About. This. Jacket. It’s a tragedy.
When Peter got out of the car I thought it was Sean O’Pry arriving as his character from the “Blank Space” music video, that’s the kind of power this jacket has. Peter, please wear it every rose ceremony, because six straight weeks of the same suit jacket would still be better than 30 seconds of the hot pink homecoming atrocity that Grant was sporting.
What the fuck, Grant.
3. The Kebabs
Alex is outrageously attractive. GQ called him Jon Hamm in disguise, and they aren’t wrong. It’s not even that great of a disguise, tbh. But we’re not here to talk about any of that. Alex and his winning smile had better make it to hometowns for one reason, and one reason only.
Those goddamn kebabs. You know the ones.
During his coveted extended on-screen introduction, we got shots of Alex exercising, reading books, doing fake work, and loving his mother. I don’t give a shit about any of that. What I want is an entire two-hour premiere of Alex and his mom prepping, cooking, and eating those kebabs, while whispering sweet Russian nothings to each other. If Rachel drops him, I will marry into this family solely for the barbecue game and any potential leniency that will be afforded to me when the Russians eventually invade.
4. America’s Tax Dollars
I don’t remember which mediocre suitor arrived in an ambulance to greet his potential short-term fiancée, but I do remember someone in my living room yelling “nice to see our tax dollars at work.” Do I watch The Bachelorette with a conservative 60-year-old man? Maybe, but frankly that’s none of your business.
One of these future Diff Eyewear peddlers was too good for the alcohol-fueled limo that ABC supplied him, and instead opted to waste Americans’ hard-earned money on an entrance that I’m pretty sure got him sent home on the first night. Thanks, asshole.
5. Rachel’s Ability To Laugh At Men’s Terrible Jokes
The best kept secret of being a woman is that we are all born with the innate ability to laugh at the shitty, relentless jokes men throw at you, who think that their unparalleled wit will melt the clothes right off your body. While I have seen some true masters of the craft in my time, I have never witnessed a woman with the stamina and blind determination of Rachel Lindsay. Not only that, but you actually want to believe her when she chuckles playfully as a grown fucking man tickles her without her consent her on national television. Generations from now, girls will reverently whisper her name while recounting the fearless tales of Rachel, The Protector of Fragile Masculinity.
6. The Amount Of Fake Law Acting
It was nice of anyone involved in law in this show to take extra airtime to show off some totally legit sneak peaks into their daily lawyer lives. If only there was a single TV show out there that depicted that very thing. The producers could have dropped in random clips from How to Get Away with Murder and it would have still been more believable than watching Rachel say “I object” to an empty room.
7. Mohit’s ‘Disturbia’ Re-Enactment
If Mohit’s drunken and uncomfortable narration of Rachel’s first kiss wasn’t all of us in middle school, then I don’t know what the fuck you spent your early adolescent years doing. Mohit is the drunk guy that leaves motivational notes to his hungover self the next morning, next to a bottle of water and a popcorn kernel that he thought was Advil. Mohit is the drunk friend who will tuck you in when you pass out on the bathroom floor with a pillow, blanket, trash bag, and every plant in your home “just in case you get lonely.” We all need a Mohit in our lives.
8. Kenny’s 34-Year-Old Daughter
How does 35-year-old Kenny have a 34-year-old daughter? I don’t know, I write Bachelorette op-eds for a living. Leave the science to other people. What I do know is that the child that appeared in his intro has graduated college, gotten her life together, settled down, found a man, raised a child of her own, and is now signing her lonely father up for a reality TV dating show. Good on you, mystery daughter, for looking after your family.
9. Adam Jr.
I don’t care what anyone says, Adam Jr.’s brief interview in French was the funniest thing to ever happen in the history of this show. Find me whatever drunk producer or sleep-deprived intern decided to pick up this doll, make it from Lyon, France, and have it speak in weird, poetic statements to the camera, because we all know it didn’t come from the mind of Adam Sr. Better yet, find me the person who decided to balance of glass of Champagne in its hand while it lounged on the couch. I’ll marry them.
The fact that the closing of the episode focused on the shittiest four bar Friday that I’ve ever been forced to witness and not another interview with Adam Jr. is the single greatest misstep this show has ever made, and I’m counting Juan Pablo’s entire season in that statement.
10. Any Woman Who’s Ever Had Sex With The Aspiring Drummer
The fact that Blake E. was the only one of the two Blakes to survive the first rose ceremony will haunt me for the rest of my life. Blake E. is a personal trainer, 31-year-old aspiring drummer, and self-proclaimed “sexpert” who has had many, many women tell his how amazing his penis is. Great penis. The best penis you’ll ever see. Yuge.
Blake E. came in on night one and immediately decided, after making us all watch an extended introduction about how good he is at sex, that he would be the guy to decide who was and wasn’t here for the right reasons. Instead of like, I don’t know, trying to build alliances on the first night like any sane person would do, he goes straight for confronting a blacked out Whaboom about his intentions. Bold move Cotton, let’s see how it works out for him.
First of all, are you fucking new here? This is like week four material. Second, OBVIOUSLY Whaboom is here for the wrong reasons. No one takes one look at the guy in a tank top with his own catchphrase on it and thinks “This man is ready to be engaged in six weeks.” It’s more like, “Ahhh, the next face of Sugar Bear Hair Vitamins has finally arrived.” My dead grandmother knew Whaboom was here for the wrong reasons, there was literally no point to trying to singlehandedly hash that out at the first cocktail party.
So, if this is how narrow-sighted and salty Blake E. gets over one obnoxious man/child/Whaboom, then can you imagine what it’s like when his Amazing Penis stops working halfway through sex? Yikes. God speed to any woman who’s ever had to encounter it and also please email us your stories ASAP to [email protected].
11. Chris Harrison’s Lasting Patience
I don’t know if it’s the Botox, the gallon of mimosas, or the eight Klonopin that Chris Harrison ingests on a daily basis, but his patience rivals that of a nun. The man is unbreakable.
We’ve watched him calmly scold an adult man who got so drunk he shit his pants and mocked a girl with one arm. We’ve seen him sit by patiently as hundreds of drunken girls have sobbed about the fact that their boyfriend who’s also dating 16 other women doesn’t seem to have enough time for them. You know how many times Chris Harrison has had to experience the Whaboom in his cursed life? Too many for me to be comfortable imagining. That man spent an entire season with Nick Viall, and even made it kind of seem like he didn’t completely despise him. Completely.
Chris Harrison is a force of nature, unmoved by 15 years’ worth of suffering through some of the absolute worst people that society can produce. Could it be the millions upon millions of dollars he’s ranked in from the Bachelor franchise? Maybe, but the Klonopin doesn’t hurt.
I kind of miss the days before the internet was totally insane and you could find out all the shitty stuff about everyone you watch on TV. Like, let us have a goddamned fantasy for once in life. Spoiler alert, in 2017, if you choose to go on TV and you have any sort of a past, the people of the internet will find out and, like this fine website, will roast you for it.
Enter Whaboom aficionado Lucas Yancey and guy who talks about his penis too much Blake Elarbee. Did you really think their weird, too-early confrontation was conceived out of thin air? It was not. It was contrived as shit and probably dates back to a weird reality TV beef they had on a WeTV series.
Human fart machine Lucas and aspiring drummer Blake E. have dabbled in the world of TV dating before. They both appeared on WeTV’s Ex Isle in 2016, whatever the fuck that is (I say as I realize I’d totally watch that show if I knew about it before just now).
Lucas, who is, let’s face it, everywhere for the wrong reasons, took his ex, Brittney, on the show. Lucas and Britt realized they were better off exes and then Brittney hit it off with Blake E.’s penis. Needless to say, Blake E. was also on the show with his ex at the time. Meaning, 1) Blake and Lucas have already dated the same girl and 2) Blake calling out Lucas for having misplaced intentions was complete and total bullshit. Like, which one are you Blake, the pot or the kettle?
You can totally check the legit-ness of this whole conspiracy by just taking a gander at Lucas’ IMDB profile, which we’ve already analyzed in great depth. Basically, Lucas has already starred in a ton of shit and is simply adding The Bachelorette to his resume. I’m pretty sure he has some agreement with the producers that he has to stay on the show for a certain amount of time before Rachel can send his dopey ass home because they’re desperately scrambling to find another Corinne. Somebody needs to tell them that a guy who’s a walking eye roll is not the one.
Blake’s IMDB page doesn’t mention his time on Ex Isle, but, then again it doesn’t mention how great is penis is either, so we know Blake hasn’t made his own edits to it.
Will Blake E. and his dong last longer on the show than Lucas? Oh, for sure, but I would highly question Rachel’s lawyering skills if she let either of these show-boating clowns anywhere near her fantasy suite.
Last night’s Bachelorette premier certainly featured some interesting personalities. I didn’t realize when the producers said this would be the “most diverse season yet” that they were also referring to mental health. Interesting choice. We were introduced to a grown man who loves
sexual harassment tickling, an aspiring drummer who thinks he has the right to judge literally anyone, a guy who purrs at people, and Little Adam, the horrifying French doll.
But none of this held a candle to Lucas Yancey, aka “WhaBoom,” or “the reason why many still choose to attend women’s colleges.” If “Here for the wrong reasons” was a person, it would be Lucas, who is clearly there to promote…something? Himself? A comedy career? The concept of “WhaBoom?”
Anyway, being that we all consider Rachel Lindsay to be a close personal friend at this point, we did the only thing friends can do in this kind of situation and Googled her potential husband to see what we could find.
And would you believe it, we found a lot. Before appearing on The Bachelorette, Lucas took it upon himself to write his own IMDB page, probably in anticipation of when Dave Chapelle, Louis C.K., and Amy Schumer all catch a glimpse of last night’s episode and simultaneously call up Netflix to demand this man get his own comedy special or they’ll quit. “If only we’d thought of looking directly into the camera and shaking uncontrollably while screaming WHHAAAAAAABOOOOOOOM as loud as we could!” they’ll say, “Get this man to Hollywood!!!”
So what does an IMDB page for a person with no career beyond his own catchphrase actually say? Let’s dive in:
So before we even get to the horrific mini bio that Lucas wrote for himself (we know this because he signed it), let’s talk about his nickname, which is apparently Y-Man.
1. I have a 90% certainty that no one has ever called him Y-Man, and that this nickname is entirely something he created himself.
2. Your fucking nickname is Whaboom.
Moving onto the mini-bio, which you should honestly read in pieces because it is deeply upsetting.
“Lucas Yancey was born June 4th, 1986 … yes he’s a Gemini … and has a twin brother. Crazy huh!?! He also has the same birthday as Angelina Jolie, so I guess that makes him legit, in one way or another.”
Okay so first of all, if your professional acting biography begins with a paragraph solely dedicated to your birthday, that is a problem. Like, I highly doubt that Seth Rogan or whoever tf Lucas is trying to be’s IMDB bio starts with, “Seth is a Taurus, and in some circles and has the same body type as a bull! Lol” Also, if you’re going to write your own bio in the 3rd person, at least try to make it sound like you had an assistant do it or something. This was so clearly written on Lance’s phone between keg stands after he found out someone actually wanted to put him on television.
Second of all, sharing a birthday with someone means literally nothing. It does not make you “legit.”
Third of all, you are not legit. You are the opposite of legit. You are illegit.
“He is originally from Woodside, CA and now lives in Los Angeles working as an Actor/Writer/Producer. He is known for his Comedic Films, TV Shows, Reality TV and Commercials. He’s a jack of all trades and a master of many! A renaissance man, who has a vision that only the wisest of wise understand.”
Oh boy. Okay. Where to begin…
1. Serious question—is your personality sponsored by Doritos? You are Nacho Cheese incarnate. Your presence is a Cool Ranch nightmare, a BBQ disaster, a Sweet Chili trash fire. You are tacky, and I hate you.
2. In what capacity are you an Actor/Writer/Producer? Like, name a single thing you have acted in, written, or produced, besides a deep discomfort in those around you. Sorry buddy, but I can’t help but notice that the “credits” portion of your IMDB page is empty. Literally. Empty. Y-Man doesn’t even have a weird commercial for herpes cream or a parody porno to his name. This would be like me making a page saying that I’m a backup dancer for Beyoncé. It’s not true. It’s just something I think about being when I’m high, listening to music on the train. These are not things you include on your resume. These dreams are for your diary, Lucas. Not the fucking internet.
3. WHAT COMEDIC FILMS HAVE YOU APPEARED IN?!?! Lucas knows that his now-defunct Vine account does not count as a film career, right? By these standards literally every human could make an IMDB page saying, “Kelly has appeared in over one thousand films which premiered on Twitter, Snapchat, and Instagram Story. She is a writer for Facebook, Pinterest, and has penned over six thousand Tweets.”
4. “Comedic Films” need not be capitalized. If you’re going to write your own IMDB page, at least have your mom (who you clearly live with) look it over before posting.
5. Again, name a comedic film, TV show, reality show, or commercial you have appeared in other than The Bachelorette, which premiered Monday. Just one. Any one. It doesn’t even have to be good. We’re waiting, Y-Man.
6. As for being a “jack of all trades and master of many,” this might actually be true. Lucas has proven in just one short episode that he can successfully implement a number of different strategies for being annoying AF, including, but not limited to: 1) having a megaphone, 2) wearing your own catchphrase on your shirt, 3) having that shirt be sleeveless, 4) screaming your catchphrase in such a way that everyone around you wonders if maybe you are having a seizure, 5) just being himself.
7. “Renaissance man” is a term that was coined to describe Leonardo DaVinci. You are not Leonardo DaVinci. Though I guess you could be considered the Leonardo DaVinci of only being on The Bachelorette because the producers want to see how far this can go, but I doubt that’s what you’re referring to.
8. We all get your vision, dude. You want to be on TV, and you’re willing to totally humiliate yourself to do so. Mission accomplished.
Next we come to Lucas’ call to action, which is all the more upsetting because it includes not one, but two smiley faces.
NOTE TO SELF: Remember to write your Congressperson and demand a law that will have anyone who includes two smiley faces in their own biography arrested immediately. This ends today.
“Cast him in your next film, and you will never be disappointed. With his friendly demeanor, charisma, charm, wit and innovative comedy, he will always aim to please! However, he does like that Craft Services has a nice crispy breakfast burrito for him in the morning … extra avocado, bacon, cheese with some veggies mixed in 😉
If you want to know more … just ask!
Your friendly neighborhood Y-Man… At your service :)”
1. You have to audition for things to be cast in them. If you were an actor you would know that, but you’re pretty clearly not, so we’ll let that one slide.
2. You cannot both carry a megaphone to scream your catchphrase into and claim that you have “charisma” and “charm” and “aim to please.” Those things are diametrically opposed to one another. It’s like Harry and Voldemort, one cannot live while the other survives.
3. If your biography includes a food order, it’s not a biography. It is a cry for help.
4. We don’t want to know more. We know enough. Thank you.
5. Hard pass on the Spiderman reference. Hard. Pass.
Then, in case we didn’t already know, Lucas The Genius actually signs the the thing himself. Dude doesn’t even have enough brains to pretend to be his own assistant. “Wisest of the wise,” my ass.
Oh, and if you thought the mini bio was the worst part, think a-fucking-gain because the real gems of this IMDB page are hidden under the “trademarks” and “personal quotes.”
Let’s deal with the trademarks first.
Okay so honestly I’m surprised it took us this long to get to WhaBoom, considering how much he said it in this week’s episode. Whatever. I guess you save your best stuff for last.
Secondly, he knows that this section is actually referring to official legal trademarks, right? Like, does he actually legally own the term “WhaBoom” with four a’s and 4 o’s? Was WhaaaBooom taken? Did “WhaaBoom” already belong to some cleaning company? This is like when you have some kind of basic name like “Emily Johnson” so you have to make all your email addresses [email protected]
Thirdly, what the fuck is Burgertyme? Is this supposed to be pronounced “Burger Time,” as in “time to have a hamburger?” Is a love of hamburgers another layer to Lucas’ “personality” that we’ve yet to see? Honestly, the presence of Burgertyme on this list really scares me. One catchphrase was enough. I honestly don’t know what I’ll do if on top of watching him Hulk out and scream WhaaaaBooom™ every time he gets a rose, I’ll have to hear him scream BURGERTYMEEEEEEE whenever they go out to eat. Where does the madness stop?
As for the personal quotes section, I don’t even know what the fuck to say about any of them.
“Everyone is trying to find the pimple on the Golden Horse.”
…what? Like, seriously, what does this mean? Who is the Golden Horse? Why does it have a pimple? Do horses get pimples? Do horses made of gold have pores? I’m confused. When did he say this? To whom did he say it? What happens when we find the golden horse’s pimple? Do we pop it? Let it be? WE NEED ANSWERS, Y-MAN!!!
“Consistency Is What Makes YOU”
I mean, if there’s one thing we can say about Lucas it’s that he’s consistently batshit fucking nuts. So I guess this quote makes sense. It seems like something a motivational speaker would say, especially given that the use of caps lock here would imply the “YOU” is screamed. Also given what we know about Lucas, we should assume that all of this stuff is being screamed through a megaphone.
Finally, and most perplexingly, Lucas ends with “YKnot?” which I guess is a reference to Y-Man, the nickname that he clearly gave to himself. So like, when he said this, did he have to immediately explain to everyone in the vicinity that he was spelling it with a Y? How would this be conveyed verbally? Also, why did he use the spelling “knot” instead of “not?” Was he using this in a rope-related context? For example:
*Rachel tries to hang herself after being forced to spend over 30 seconds alone with Lucas*
I’m sorry. That was dark. But honestly, this IMDB page put me in a dark place. Reading this shit was like binge watching all of The Handmaid’s Tale and 13 Reasons Why in the same fucking day. I feel emotionally drained.
I think the biggest takeaway here, apart from the fact that Lucas is a sad, fragile male who wrote his own IMDB bio and didn’t even do a good job, is that homeboy is here for the wrong reasons and Rachel needs to send his ass packing fast. Like, I know the producers obviously stepped in last episode to see if he and Blake the aspiring drummer will have a fist fight or whatever, but how can we pretend that a 31-year-old woman with a law degree would ever entertain the idea of romance with this walking abstinence campaign? Like, how long can such an obvious fame whore with such clear Hollywood aspirations last in this competition?