Luann, Luann, Luann. You had one job! And you managed to f*ck it up, and possibly land your ass back in jail. But let me back up a bit. Back in December of 2017 (Jesus, where has the time gone?) Luann De Lesseps got arrested in Palm Beach after a very messy Christmas. If you’ll recall, Luann got wasted and ended up in a hotel room that was not the one registered to her, with some mystery man (been there). What should have been a funny drunken mistake that everybody laughed about instead turned violent, when security was called and Luann and her friend refused to leave the room. Luann then locked herself in the bathroom (also been there), and when one of the officers used a key to open the door, she shoved him in the chest and slammed the door in his face. Okay, I can say confidently that I have not been there.
Then, the story took an even crazier turn, when Luann got arrested, because the fun didn’t stop there. Luann f*cking slipped out of her handcuffs (I need to know how) and tried to jump out of the moving police car! She also allegedly threatened to kill the police officers. Yikes.
When I convince my friend to take another shot even though we’re both blacked out pic.twitter.com/MPQifp0RIY
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) May 23, 2019
Predictably, Luann was charged with a slew of crimes, including battery, trespassing, and disorderly intoxication. She completed two rehab treatments and took a plea deal back in August 2018. Luann was put on probation, and was not supposed to drink. Much like me when I say I’m going out “for one drink and then I’m going home,” Luann’s sobriety did not last very long. She allegedly violated her probation and failed an alcohol test, so she landed back in court on Thursday. And, just like me when I am recounting my night after I browned out, Luann is telling everyone that she drank two mimosas after a performance she had in Chicago.
The judge said Luann wasn’t taking her probation seriously and ordered her back to jail. Now, we don’t know how long Luann is going to be in jail for, or if she will serve any time, but the judge was not happy either way, and Luann is probably going to face some consequences.
This is all especially interesting, considering the Real Housewives of New York reunion filmed last week, but we are only 12 or 13 episodes into the season. Typically, Bravo waits until the season has aired or is close to done airing before filming the reunion. So why did RHONY film early? It’s possible the powers that be at Bravo knew that Luann wouldn’t be around 10 episodes from now to film, so they pushed it up early. And when you consider that last season, Luann was absent from the reunion because she had just checked in to rehab, it makes sense that they would move the timeline up a bit to get Luann on the reunion.
We will have to wait to see what Luann de Lesseps’ consequences for allegedly violating probation are. Good thing money can’t buy you class, but it can buy you bail!
Images: Giphy; Shutterstock
So, Real Housewives of New York City is still on a tequila binge in Tequila, Mexico and if you haven’t watched this episode yet, I’d highly recommend it. It will definitely make you feel better about every questionable decision you’ve ever made.
Anyway, the episode starts out with everyone talking about their boobs, which then results in everyone being naked and running around.
Carole: I bare my boobs for art. The rest of the girls bare their boobs for tequila. PS, I have the best boobs of the group. They’re real.
Ramona and Bethenny have a nice moment in the pool.
Ramona: I really like you
Bethenny: I’m a pretty cool person
Ramona: But I feel like you don’t like me
Bethenny: Well, I don’t like you right now
The conversation then turns back to the comments Ramona made about Bethenny being naked in the press and how that must have affected B’s daughter, Brynn. I would just like to note that Bethenny is literally ass naked during this conversation.
On the other side of the pool, Dorinda is trying to get a pants-less Sonja dressed.
Dorinda: It’s literally like trying to put a bikini on a piece of spaghetti.
Anyway, back to Bethenny and Ramona. They’re literally screaming (slurring) and crying in the pool and there are little nude-colored pixel square censors over Bethenny’s boobs. I actually feel like I’m watching two Sims fight right now. The conversation ends with them making up, but we all know they’ll end up picking another fight soon.
Sonja’s still super drunk and asks Bethenny if she’ll have sex with her, but B isn’t down.
Bethenny: I’m sorry. You’re barking up the wrong vagina.
Bethenny is the first one at dinner again and she’s pissed because she always shows up late to shit and is still somehow the first one there. SAME, B.
Obviously, everyone’s been blacked out for a few days, so there are like, five separate arguments brewing. Dorinda starts yelling at Bethenny and so Bethenny and Tinsley start running around her and it’s just a mess of slurring and dancing. It’s truly beautiful.
Then, in the middle of Tinsley apologizing to Ramona (apparently this is just the episode where everyone’s going to black out and apologize like a bunch of drunk girls in a club bathroom becoming best friends), the women start to hear fireworks and all immediately stop their conversations and run outside to stand under the fireworks and scream. However, during the fireworks, Dorinda is concerned because she cut her hand.
Dorinda: I cut my hand off.
Bethenny: Do not give me a psychoanalysis.
Dorinda: I gave you a psychoanalysis about your life?
Bethenny: I keep getting into fights with these wasted blondes. It’s like, they have all this resentment about my success.
Is this just like, a giant war between blondes and brunettes? Isn’t that what Gossip Girl was for? Didn’t Serena and Blair teach us that party girl blondes and power-hungry brunettes all have their own great qualities and don’t need to compete with one another? Like, hello, this is 2017! Women don’t need to be competing with one another, they’re supposed to be obsessed with each other and leave the fire emoji on each other’s Instagram posts. Duh.
The next morning, the women are getting ready to go to yoga and Ramona decides to fill Luann in on all the ~dramz~ she missed.
Ramona: I had a great talk with Bethenny last night. We bared our souls (read: tits) to each other. It was good.
Luann: Until you screw it up again. *signature insane Luann laugh*
There’s a lot of awkward tension between Dorinda and Bethenny. Dorinda basically doesn’t think she needs to apologize for last night, because she was too blackout to remember. Instead of an apology, she’s basically like “whatever, I was drunk.” And instead of understanding the fact that sometimes when you drink tequila for multiple days straight, you say things you don’t mean, Bethenny is super pissed.
Sonja’s in a super good mood, which is making her really tired.
Sonja: I’m so exhausted from being happy!
Then Dorinda pulls Bethenny outside to apologize and Bethenny pulls off one of the greatest humble brags of all time. She starts crying and talking about how hard it is to be so successful because she doesn’t want to sound like she’s gloating all of the time. She’s truly a modern day Gretchen Wieners.
Bethenny: I have an emotional hangover. I’m back to being the crier.
I am TOTALLY going to use that line sometime in the very near future.
Everyone is getting massages and relaxing and boating and shit-talking.
Tinsley is on a boat planning a party to say thank you, but also fuck you, to Sonja for letting her live with her for a few months.
Carole says that she’s good at fishing even though she’s not good at very many things. If anyone wants to take a quick back-read through some of my recaps from this season and fish out all of the times Carole bragged about being good at something outdoorsy, but then complained that she’s not outdoorsy the next episode, please be my guest.
Surprise, surprise, Carole didn’t catch a fish so they go grab one from a market to pretend that she did. They even take a picture with the fish to make it look like Carole caught it. Of course, Luann isn’t buying it and assumes the captain caught it or something.
Finally, it’s the last night and everyone’s waiting for someone to fuck it all up.
Bethenny: I think to end this trip, somebody should be killed. It’s weird if we all go home too happy. I need my frenemies back.
Now that’s a woman that has her priorities straight!
For the last night, the women all go out to dinner and Tinsley is the drunkest one this time. It’s basically just more drunk yelling.
Luann: Tinsley, you should stop saying the F word so much because we’re at a restaurant.
Tinsley: Well, you say Palm Beach all of the time and it’s actually West Palm, soo… it’s West Palm, so whatever.
I can’t tell if that’s the best or worst comeback I’ve ever heard.
Anyway, next week is the season finale and I really hope they’re not all too hungover to make it interesting.
This week’s episode of Real Housewives of New York City is the one where Luann finally gets married. To my knowledge, the world is still spinning and everyone’s still living, and I’m kind of shocked and disappointed.
Anyway, seeing as everyone telling Luann not to get married was a huge storyline this season, someone had to do something shitty so the rest of the episodes are still entertaining. Enter Sonja. She’s dating the guy she wanted Tinsley to go after and it’s getting pretty
awkward serious. Well, Frenchy (aka Edgar) is getting serious and Sonja’s still dating that Italian dude, Rocco. And Frenchy knows about it, obv.
Bethenny throws a boujee holiday party to balance out the “homey” weekend they just spent at Dorinda’s in the Berkshires.
Bethenny: Dorinda’s is very homey and like, roast chicken. This is a New York City party with seafood.
I mean, yeah there’s a ton of caviar, but there’s also a ton of Skinny Girl branded shit. Plus, the only people invited were the cast members, minus Ramona. This party was basically just a chance for some B-roll footage of the girls talking shit and so Bethenny could plug her brand. Also, Bethenny is obsessed with ice luges and has made about 400 “that’s what she said” jokes in the first eight minutes of the show.
Because she wasn’t invited to Bethenny’s party, Ramona goes out with her 22-year-old daughter Avery and her friends. They’re all like, swirling wine or whatever. Snore. Take some fucking shots.
The contrast between the Housewives turning up with an ice luge at Bethenny’s and Ramona having a boring-ass time with a bunch of 22-year-olds is ridiculous.
Carole: I like to drink if it’s FUN. I would be a huge drinker if I could drink everything through an ice luge or a sippy straw.
Avery: Pellegrino is my water. I thought it was water growing up.
Ramona then tells her daughter’s friends about her wild weekend at Dorinda’s and they just like, cannot relate. These girls sound like the nightmare roommates who report you to your RA freshman year when you come home drunk on a Tuesday.
Ramona: I blacked out.
Avery’s friend: What does that mean?
Back at Bethenny’s, they’re still talking about Ramona rock starring Dorinda’s house and Sonja is so over it. She just finds it totally normal, because apparently Ramona has trashed every hotel bathroom the two have stayed at like a rockstar. Ew.
In other news, Luann is getting fucking married. Who thought we’d see the day? She did look super pretty, though, I’ll give her that. It’s not that she’s not pretty, but everyone forgets because she’s so annoying. *Regina George voice*
Luann: I am a hopeless romantic.
Oh my god, someone please kill me.
Side note: why did Luann laugh when Tom said he was there on his own free will during their vows? That’s sketchy.
Then, Carole and Bethenny go out for dumplings and make a few subtle jokes about Tom being potentially gay and Luann needing a strap on. Yikes. Also, Carole kicked Adam out of her cat lair but they’re totes still together.
Ramona and Dorinda hang so Ramona can grill the only housewife who was invited to the wedding about all of the details. Here’s the rundown: Dorinda got drunk and almost missed hair and makeup. She also forgot to book her flight to the wedding. Luann wouldn’t let her take a nap and wore three dresses.
Next Bethenny and Carole go to Chinatown on an adventure and act like the Chinatown ice cream factory is like, some crazy foreign place. It’s literally just an ice cream shop that happens to be in Chinatown.
Edgar is moving in with Sonja and wants to adopt kids with her, which is hilarious. Maybe they can just adopt Tinsley’s boyfriend, who’s like, 12.
Luann is extra AF and is having an extra wedding celebration for all of the losers who didn’t get invited to the real thing. Bethenny shows up 15 minutes late and is still the only person there for 15 minutes. Brutal.
Bethenny: We’re having a party just for the people who haven’t slept with Tom. Party of one!
Finally, people show up, including Tins and her child boyfriend, who Ramona’s daughter totally checks out. I wonder if that’s going to be a forced plot line later in the season? Keep your fingers crossed. Also, why is Tinsley always dressed for a sorority preference night circa 2006?
Even though Luann finally trapped Tom legally, he’s still being shady. He didn’t want to wear a wedding ring, which is like, the biggest red flag ever.
Ramona and Sonja both brought their new guys to the party, which is probably a good thing, so people can eventually forget that they both banged Tom.
Lastly, Dorinda made a speech that was hilariously honest.
Dorinda: I left the wedding feeling so much better about everything.
Well, that’s nice but I’m hoping something crazy still happens.
This week’s episode of Real Housewives of New York City was part two of however many episodes they’re going to drag out this trip to the Berkshires for. Obviously, everyone’s still talking about Luann’s sketchy fiancé Tom and trying to get her not to marry him, even though she told them she’s going to a million times. This is basically the reality TV version of your friend being like “Oh yeah I’m so over Chad I went on two new Tinder dates,” and then being like “Okay, I just find it funny how…” like five minutes later. It’s bullshit and boring and you’re pretty much over it, but you’re going to keep paying attention on the off chance that it gets good.
The women all have an intervention for Luann and it gets super emotional. Like, Ramona cries.
Luann: Don’t you have anything better to do, Ramona?
Anyway, all the women are getting upset because pretty much every single one of them has been cheated on or has had a marriage that went worse than your last attempt at applying your own spray tan. Luann’s sitting in her chair tugging at her turtleneck telling everyone she’s totally confident in her relationship, which like, IDK, seems like pretty convincing body language to me.
Bethenny: Luann is like the Trump of relationships. “Oh, Tom had sex with another woman? That was just locker room talk!!”
Ramona wants to find out how to apologize to Bethenny without saying sorry because she doesn’t want to be called the apologizer. I typically think that half the shit Ramona says is insane, but if homegirl comes up with a way to apologize without saying sorry, I’m interested in learning about her methods.
Next, everyone decides to build a fire in the fireplace and Carole steps in because although she pretty much said she wasn’t outdoorsy like two episodes ago, apparently she is now.
Carole: I’m very outdoorsy. I was a Girl Scout and a Brownie.
Oh come on, Carole. I was a Girl Scout and a Brownie forever and all it taught me was how to swindle my parents into buying all my cookies when I didn’t feel like selling them myself.
Turns out her being outdoorsy didn’t help, because they’re fucking indoors and the whole house filled with smoke.
Then, in the truest definition of the blind leading the blind, everyone starts giving Tinsley dating advice. It basically ends up being a philosophical debate.
Luann: Always go with your gut and trust your heart.
Bethenny: Literally never trust your heart you’ll end up in the toilet bowl.
Then, Luann pretty much tells Bethenny that her issue with her ex, Jason, isn’t that bad because she has her daughter. Bethenny’s still going through tons of shit, like as we now know getting stalked and harassed by Jason (allegedly), and so she gets reasonably annoyed that Luann won’t just take her word for it and drop it, and ends up having a total breakdown.
Luann: Are you crying because I’m getting married?
Oh my god, literally shut up Luann.
Luann then says she thinks the reason Bethenny says her wedding is a bad idea is that she’s dealing with her own problems and projecting them onto the former countess. Um, I don’t think that’s it, but sure.
Jason is still controlling Bethenny, telling her she’s a bad mom and harassing Dennis, which is totally fucked up.
Finally, everyone eats dinner and Ramona starts to get even stranger than she normally is. She’s obv blackout. She keeps talking about all of the food like a total creep.
Ramona: So moist. So succulent.
Ramona eventually gets drunk enough that she slinks over to Bethenny to attempt her non-apology apology. It’s like, super creepy. Why does she keep her eyes closed the whole time she’s apologizing? It’s like she’s summoning a demon or having an exorcism or something.
Bethenny: It’s like a creepy over the shoulder wine breath apology. Is that an apology or are you just happy to see me?
Tinsley kindly makes dinner even more awkward by asking why nobody is invited to the wedding except for Dorinda, so Bethenny runs it down for her. Here’s a quick little recap:
Bethenny called Luann a whore.
Sonja fucked Tom, Luann’s fiancé. (Before he was Luann’s fiancé, but still.)
Ramona is on a personal mission to ruin the wedding.
Carole’s boyfriend used to be Tom’s chef who once dated Luann’s niece. (She could also have been Tom’s niece, but this was a slightly confusing rundown so I’m trying my very best, okay??)
Ramona ruins a chair and leaves a mess at the table, which just further proves my point that she’s probably a hoarder. Bethenny asks Tinsley what the hell is up with her creepy man voice, which is something I’ve been waiting for all episode.
Ramona doesn’t feel as though her non-apology really worked, so she swoops in for round two. But like, she’s really nervous about it because she’s probably in love with Bethenny or something. Bethenny begins to have what is probably going to be a pretty heated conversation with her just before the credits start rolling, and I’m actually really looking forward to next week’s episode because watching Ramona try to control her facial expressions is some of the wildest shit I’ve ever seen.