Give me alcohol, or give me death. Unfortunately, drinking mixed drinks often means drinking lots of extra calories, which nobody wants. To avoid this, we’re constantly on the hunt for zero calorie mixers. What can help water down the alcohol so we don’t die while infusing delicious flavor so that we also don’t gag? Turns out, there aren’t too many completely zero calorie mixers in the world, but we found our favorite five so you can get drunk and enjoy the ride there, too.
WHAT A FUCKING SURPRISE. If you aren’t using LaCroix as your number one most desired zero calorie mixer, get with the fucking program. It goes great with vodka. It does wonders with tequila. It makes gin fucking palatable. All LaCroix is zero calories and all LaCroix is your dietary friend. We even figured out which flavor tastes amazing with which alcohol, so you have literally no excuse to not use LaCroix for everything, including as your go-to zero calorie mixer.
HEAR ME OUT. We know that Diet Coke is life, but Cherry Coke Zero is not bad and actually works really fucking well with for a little Jack and coke or anything involving whiskey, ya feel me? Obviously it’s zero calories, has a decent flavor, and you can probably find it even if you’re blackout and stuck near a vending machine.
3. Be Mixed
All the Be Mixed mixers are zero calories, low in carbs, and made with fresh juice and natural sweeteners. The only big “if” here is for the erythritol, which can bother some sensitive betches’ tummies, but otherwise, these are great zero calorie mixers. They come in flavors like ginger lime (perf for mules), margarita (you know what that’s about), and cucumber mint (gin’s new best friend).
Ever heard of it? These are kind of fun, in that they’re literally the Crystal Lite packets of our generation. Grab your liquor, grab your club soda, then throw in this little powder packet in whatever flavor you want (margarita, cosmo, and more). It adds all the flavor you want without the extra calories of juice or soda.
These are relatively new to me, but they’re legit. Zero calorie sodas with zero sugar, no artificial sweeteners, gluten-free, non-GMO, etc. Naturally, they mix pretty flawlessly with anything you’d use soda for anyway. Grab the ginger ale flavor for a poor man’s dark and stormy; use the Zevia Root Beer with that Pinnacle Whipped Cream vodka we all love to hate. The possibilities are endless. Zevia also has a line of sparkling waters that aren’t horrendous, either.
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Thanks to a miraculous breakthrough of science, we now have alcoholic seltzer. Low calories, low to zero sugar, bubbles cause we’re so fun, and lots of alcohol make these a FANTASTIC choice for sippin’ at the pool, beach, or on your couch while wearing sweatpants and canceling plans. There are a shitload of alcoholic bubblies out there, but we narrowed down the five best spiked seltzers so you can get your drank on without being required to wear a larger size in pants. Bless.
1. Svedka Spiked Premium Seltzer
Holy tap-dancing Jesus. One of our vodkas from our college years has made the leap to spiked seltzers. And they’re DELICIOUS. Though Svedka’s spiked line offers a few flavors, the cucumber basil is the crowd fav. It doesn’t taste artificial at all, has a nice chill summer balance, and can still get you fucked up after a few cans. Praise be.
This gluten-free spiked seltzer is sure to become a favorite of white people everywhere. The best part of the Truly line, which has been around for a bit now, is all the varieties. Pomegranate is like, probs the best, but Sicilian blood orange, pomelo, lemon and yuzu, and other bougie flavors make this the LaCroix of spiked seltzers. Fight me.
3. Henry’s Hard Sparkling Water
Henry’s Hard is like, probs one of the OG hard sodas out there. Obv, they got the message that betches want calorie-free alcohol that doesn’t taste like dick, and they branched into the wide world of spiked seltzers. You only have a choice of a few flavors—none of which are mind-blowing. However, they work REALLY well if you use them as a mixer with like, juice … or more alcohol, idk. Also, at only 88 calories per can, you can drink a lot before feeling bad about it.
4. White Claw
When my cousin first bought me a pack of this so we could get white girl wasted while lying on pool floaties, I was ready to get my white trash on. However, this gluten-free, higher calorie spiked seltzer is actually super decent on alcohol and probably the best on taste. It tastes less like an 18-year-old’s first foray into alcohol, and more like something I can drink while playing bridge or joining a book club. I’m a classy lady, god damn it!
Alright—let’s break this down. SpikedSeltzer has 140 calories per can, but 6% ABV…so worth it? This is the can that’ll get you super drunk, super fast, so if that’s the goal, go for it. The biggest downside to these is that they’re really kind of sweet, and the higher sugar content may give you a worse hangover.
We’re praying for the day LaCroix becomes alcoholic. JUST SAYING LACROIX PEOPLE YOU’D MAKE SO MUCH MONEY PLEASE HIRE ME TO RAMP THIS UP FOR YOU BYE.
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If you’re mixing a drink, you’re adding layers of bubbling fat to your waistline, probably. Unfortunately for like, all of us, cocktails and mixed drinks aren’t exactly healthy, as we explained with this list of cocktails making you fluffy. Because we can’t give the bad without offering a silver lining, we did some investigatory journalism (i.e. got drunk on a bunch of mixed drinks) to bestow upon you a fantastic roundup of low-calorie mixers that won’t undo your diet. Of course, not adding a mixer at all and drinking your vodka on the rocks with a splash of lime (LIKE AN ADULT) would be the most low-calorie way to get drunk, but you do you.
1. Tres Agaves Margarita Mixer
Most marg mixers are going to set you back a whopping 110 calories, and that’s before you even add your booze and salted rim (SAD). Tres Agaves’ marg mix is only 68 calories per serving AND certified organic. P.S. There’s also no high fructose corn syrup so you can like, feel kind of great about knocking back that marg.
2. Fever-Tree Naturally Light Indian Tonic Water
Fun fact: a gin and tonic is not good for you. Why? Because regular tonic is full of calories and sodium, making your fingers swell and look like tiny sausages. Fever Tree’s Naturally Light Indian Tonic Water has about 84% less calories than regular tonic and has no artificial ingredients. So now you can be a psycho and sip your G&T without fear of getting fat! Praise be. It’s also only 35 calories PER BOTTLE.
3. Scales Bloody Mary Mix
A lot of Bloody mixes are full of MSG, that fun thing we all know from Chinese food, and lots of weird additives which are probs giving everyone cancer (don’t quote me on that). Scales uses regular sea salt and has enough veggies for your full serving of vitamin C, making this shit practically healthy. Plus, for every three oz., you’re only imbibing 25 calories.
4. Reed’s Light 55 Ginger Brew
If you’re still on the Moscow Mule wagon, or you enjoy the occasional Dark N Stormy, ginger beer is a staple in your fridge. But if you wanna skimp on calories without trying to chug a tasteless, watery cocktail, grab Reed’s Light. It’s only got 55 calories for the whole 12 oz. bottle.
5. Be Mixed
This line of mixers is made with fresh fruit juice and natural sweeteners (from monk fruit, which I’ve never heard of and which probably grows somewhere I’ve never been), so it’s a great go-to for those searching for a ZERO CALORIE MIXER. Yes, really. With flavors like Ginger Lime, Cucumber Mint, Margarita, and several others, you def need to be keeping these on hand.
6. Tres Agaves Bloody Mary Mix
Like its sister, the Tres Agaves Margarita Mixer, the Bloody mix from this same line is equally NOMS. At only 30 calories per serving, this vegan, gluten-free, and USDA Certified Organic mix is great for the health weirdo you just befriended that still likes to get shitfaced at brunch. Yay!
7. The Hudson Standard Shrub
If you’re one of those yoga freaks totally in-tune healthy people, you’re probably all about shrub. This shit tastes like carbonated apple cider vinegar, sweetened with natural fruit flavors and spices, in the best way possible. Sweet, sour, and it has probiotics, The Hudson Standard shrub works with almost any booze you use it with. Stay woke.
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LaCroix: a magical calorie-less elixir developed by (I assume) Swedish supermodels who wanted to pass along their skinny hotness to us in the form of flavored water. Obv, we’re all about LaCroix (and pronouncing it La Croo-whaaa to sound bougie AF) and its betchy flavors, but figuring out how to up this glorified seltzer with alcohol is a precious skill. Since we’re, like, really nice, and want you to have the best ever low-cal drinking adventure, here are the actual best LaCroix and alcohol pairings as decided by us.
LaCroix Coconut + Rum
No fucking brainer here—we’re throwing it back to the days of chugging Malibu in our dorms before stumbling into our Friday night shenanigans. LaCroix Coconut may have a slight sunscreen flavor, but mixing it with rum will remind you of the days when it was warm and winter didn’t rule our lives.
LaCroix Berry + Rosé
It’s like the wine spritzers of our youth, fam. The berry flavor plays beautifully with a nice, lush (yes, I said lush) rosé. Plus, the lil happy bubbles make this a low cal and low alcohol choice if you’re looking for a summer sippin’ and not so much a blackout adventure. But if you’re looking for a blackout adventure, pair LaCroix Berry with Three Olives rosé vodka, and we’ll see you on the other side.
LaCroix Cran-Raspberry + Vodka
Remember when we used to order cran-vodkas and never look back? Let this combo take you back to that magical time and experience the subsequent blackout that comes with it.
LaCroix Peach Pear + Tequila
If you’re all about tequila—and we can’t blame you, what with Cinco De Drinko on the horizon and all—pair your shots with LaCroix’s Peach Pear flavor. For some reason, this combo works and reminds us of a really cheap margarita, which, respect.
LaCroix Pamplemousse + Gin
Gin, what with its pine tree flavor and potential to make you a psycho, pairs well with the most beloved LaCroix flavor, Pamplemousse. It also plays well with Mure Pepino, the elusive berry and cucumber flavor. If you’re boring, though, it works with Lime, too. Duh.
LaCroix Cerise Limón + Whiskey
Whiskey is on my no-no list, but it doesn’t have to be on yours if you pair it with the right shit. Think of a whiskey sour or an Old-Fashioned—this cherry lime LaCroix is going to be great with a sweet and smoky whiskey.
LaCroix Apricot + Prosecco
If you like piña coladas mimosas and brunch, this is the combo for you. Instead of sugar-heavy fruit juice, mix your Prosecco or Champagne with LaCroix Apricot.
LaCroix Mango + Reisling
Sweet, summery, and tropical, the combo of a sweet (or crisp) Reisling and LaCroix’s Mango works like a poor man’s white sangria. It’s perfect for sippin’ on the beach or while you’re pretending to enjoy the summer heat.
LaCroix Tangerine + Limoncello
Limoncello is already sweet enough to drink on its own, so combining it with some LaCroix Tangerine for an orangey twist will bring the citrus to the next level. It’ll cut the syrupy sweetness of the Limoncello, too, if that isn’t your thing.
LaCroix Lemon + Lemon Vodka
Don’t have lemon vodka? Whatever. Vodka works with literally everything because it’s the best alcohol ever bestowed upon us. This is literally a more bougie vodka soda, so, you’re welcome.
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