Give me alcohol, or give me death. Unfortunately, drinking mixed drinks often means drinking lots of extra calories, which nobody wants. To avoid this, we’re constantly on the hunt for zero calorie mixers. What can help water down the alcohol so we don’t die while infusing delicious flavor so that we also don’t gag? Turns out, there aren’t too many completely zero calorie mixers in the world, but we found our favorite five so you can get drunk and enjoy the ride there, too.
WHAT A FUCKING SURPRISE. If you aren’t using LaCroix as your number one most desired zero calorie mixer, get with the fucking program. It goes great with vodka. It does wonders with tequila. It makes gin fucking palatable. All LaCroix is zero calories and all LaCroix is your dietary friend. We even figured out which flavor tastes amazing with which alcohol, so you have literally no excuse to not use LaCroix for everything, including as your go-to zero calorie mixer.
HEAR ME OUT. We know that Diet Coke is life, but Cherry Coke Zero is not bad and actually works really fucking well with for a little Jack and coke or anything involving whiskey, ya feel me? Obviously it’s zero calories, has a decent flavor, and you can probably find it even if you’re blackout and stuck near a vending machine.
3. Be Mixed
All the Be Mixed mixers are zero calories, low in carbs, and made with fresh juice and natural sweeteners. The only big “if” here is for the erythritol, which can bother some sensitive betches’ tummies, but otherwise, these are great zero calorie mixers. They come in flavors like ginger lime (perf for mules), margarita (you know what that’s about), and cucumber mint (gin’s new best friend).
Ever heard of it? These are kind of fun, in that they’re literally the Crystal Lite packets of our generation. Grab your liquor, grab your club soda, then throw in this little powder packet in whatever flavor you want (margarita, cosmo, and more). It adds all the flavor you want without the extra calories of juice or soda.
These are relatively new to me, but they’re legit. Zero calorie sodas with zero sugar, no artificial sweeteners, gluten-free, non-GMO, etc. Naturally, they mix pretty flawlessly with anything you’d use soda for anyway. Grab the ginger ale flavor for a poor man’s dark and stormy; use the Zevia Root Beer with that Pinnacle Whipped Cream vodka we all love to hate. The possibilities are endless. Zevia also has a line of sparkling waters that aren’t horrendous, either.
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Thanks to a miraculous breakthrough of science, we now have alcoholic seltzer. Low calories, low to zero sugar, bubbles cause we’re so fun, and lots of alcohol make these a FANTASTIC choice for sippin’ at the pool, beach, or on your couch while wearing sweatpants and canceling plans. There are a shitload of alcoholic bubblies out there, but we narrowed down the five best spiked seltzers so you can get your drank on without being required to wear a larger size in pants. Bless.
1. Svedka Spiked Premium Seltzer
Holy tap-dancing Jesus. One of our vodkas from our college years has made the leap to spiked seltzers. And they’re DELICIOUS. Though Svedka’s spiked line offers a few flavors, the cucumber basil is the crowd fav. It doesn’t taste artificial at all, has a nice chill summer balance, and can still get you fucked up after a few cans. Praise be.
This gluten-free spiked seltzer is sure to become a favorite of white people everywhere. The best part of the Truly line, which has been around for a bit now, is all the varieties. Pomegranate is like, probs the best, but Sicilian blood orange, pomelo, lemon and yuzu, and other bougie flavors make this the LaCroix of spiked seltzers. Fight me.
3. Henry’s Hard Sparkling Water
Henry’s Hard is like, probs one of the OG hard sodas out there. Obv, they got the message that betches want calorie-free alcohol that doesn’t taste like dick, and they branched into the wide world of spiked seltzers. You only have a choice of a few flavors—none of which are mind-blowing. However, they work REALLY well if you use them as a mixer with like, juice … or more alcohol, idk. Also, at only 88 calories per can, you can drink a lot before feeling bad about it.
4. White Claw
When my cousin first bought me a pack of this so we could get white girl wasted while lying on pool floaties, I was ready to get my white trash on. However, this gluten-free, higher calorie spiked seltzer is actually super decent on alcohol and probably the best on taste. It tastes less like an 18-year-old’s first foray into alcohol, and more like something I can drink while playing bridge or joining a book club. I’m a classy lady, god damn it!
Alright—let’s break this down. SpikedSeltzer has 140 calories per can, but 6% ABV…so worth it? This is the can that’ll get you super drunk, super fast, so if that’s the goal, go for it. The biggest downside to these is that they’re really kind of sweet, and the higher sugar content may give you a worse hangover.
We’re praying for the day LaCroix becomes alcoholic. JUST SAYING LACROIX PEOPLE YOU’D MAKE SO MUCH MONEY PLEASE HIRE ME TO RAMP THIS UP FOR YOU BYE.
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