Let’s face it, as much as we all wish we could be cast on Matt James’ season of The Bachelor, the majority of us will have to find our post-quarantine dates the less-glamorous way: on dating apps.
Trust me. I get how frustrating online dating can be. Matching with people who can’t carry a conversation, who ghost after one date, who are outright boring, and leave you thinking “WTF?!”—it sucks. I’ve been there, and I’ve lived to tell the stories at Sunday brunch with the girls.
If you’re nodding your head at what I’m saying, here’s the revelation: maybe it’s you that’s doing online dating wrong.
So while your Bachelor submission is being reviewed, take the time to think about how you can get that profile snatched and make sure you’re attracting quality matches. Let’s talk about some of the red flags you’ve got on your profile without even realizing, and how we can get them cleaned up.
1. Your Photos Don’t Reflect What You Want
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If 75% of your dating profile photos are of you on spring break in a bikini, don’t be surprised if you’re only attracting people who are sending you fire emojis and asking if you’re DTF.
If that’s what you’re looking for, more power to you. If it’s not, it may be time to swap out some of those photos for more everyday looks and outfits—for example, you in a cute look at a coffee shop, or you and some friends at a beer garden. Think about it this way: the guy who only has shirtless mirror pics on his profile doesn’t exactly scream “let’s share some time over a glass of wine and charcuterie, and end the night just watching Friends”… right? As much as it sucks, people definitely make snap judgments based on the photos they see.
2. Your Profile Is Basic, Not Basic+
Basic+ means you’ve elevated basic without straying too far from it. Meaning, you’re still incorporating culturally cliche dislikes/interests/references—for example, hiking and avocado toast—but without being too unoriginal about it. So if your bio simply says “Loves The Office, brunch, and spending time with my dogs”, just know that your profile is basic AF and looks exactly like 90% of the other profiles out there.
So how do you get from basic to basic+? Incorporate some wit and humor.
For example, “The only thing I can guarantee is that I have better fashion sense than Dwight” or “Love language? Mine’s brunch”. Both allude to universally basic interests and references, but take them one level deeper by making them a little more interesting. By showing this little bit of personality, you’re so much more likely to stand out amongst a sea of basic, hopefully attracting someone who appreciates humor and wit.
3. You’re Not Diversifying Your Portfolio
Remember that lesson you learned in freshman finance class about diversifying your portfolio? Finally, something from college you can use in the real world besides your beer pong skills.
To be clear, when I say “diversify your portfolio”, I mean that you should get on different apps so that you’re exposed to more prospective matches. Casting a wider net gives you a better chance at meeting the type of person for whom you’re willing to put on real pants and leave the house.
4. You Keep Responding To “Hey”
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If someone messages you saying “hi ”, don’t waste your time replying.
The “hey” person puts in minimal effort. It means they didn’t bother to look at your bio or photos long enough to write something witty, and they probably don’t care all that much about chatting with you. They’re likely playing dating like a numbers game, rapid-fire replying to all matches with a basic “what’s up”.
More times than not, the “hey” person will either (a) not have the ability to carry out a conversation, or (b) eventually ghost you based on their lack of interest. Nip it in the bud, and don’t even waste your time replying.
5. You Ignore Your Friends’ Warnings
Have you ever ordered from a restaurant after noticing they’ve averaged two stars on Yelp? No? Okay, then WTF are you doing chatting with people on dating apps that your friends have told you they’ve had bad experiences with?
Even in big cities, it’s not unlikely that you and your friends are going to come across the same people while using the apps. I’m not saying it’s impossible for you to fall in love with or seriously date the person who left your friend waiting alone for an Uber at 1:30am…but common sense says avoid those people.
If you don’t take your friend’s advice, don’t be surprised when the person treats you in an equally sh*tty way or if your friend says “I told you so”.
6. You Take It To Snapchat Right Away
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If Snapchat was created specifically for a person, that person would be pre-Amal George Clooney. Yeah, I’m talking about the most eligible bachelor you could possibly think of at that time.
If the person you’ve matched with asks you to transition to Snapchat (or Instagram DM, for my millennials) before you’ve even met once, they’re likely wanting to be super casual and love the fact that Snapchat means zero receipts and zero accountability. Ugh, right?
So as much as you should live your life with Amal confidence, sometimes steering clear of this type of guy or girl is just easier. The alternative, of course, is swerving their suggestion and using the “I don’t really use Snap much” excuse. Either stay on the app, or transition to a more 2020-esque George Clooney medium, like texting.
7. You’re Playing And Tolerating The Waiting Game
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News flash: the waiting game (you know, waiting X amount of days to reply to a message) is as out of style as layered tanks and low-rise jeans. If you’re playing it, stop. If the person who’s messaging you is playing it, drop them.
Even though the waiting game was instilled in us during the Blackberry days as the number one texting-your-crush tactic, it’s frankly just rude. If you notice someone playing it, use it as a signal that they’re either more interested in mind games than you or straight-up don’t know how to communicate. Either way, it’s a waste of your time and an easy red flag to spot.
Image: Sincerely Media / Unsplash; uuppod (3) / Instagram
Now that the world is slowly starting to turn again, it might be safe to resume thinking about the next phases of our lives. Like, if the pandemic put your wedding on pause for a while, you may be starting to look into microweddings or other alternatives. Similarly, if coronavirus f*cked up your plans to move in with your S.O., now that spring has come and gone, it may be time to start thinking about that again (just be warned that working from home with them for months on end might result in a literal crime scene). It’s exciting to be able to take those big steps with your S.O., but before you take the plunge, there are a few things to think about, especially when it comes to cohabitation. We spoke with Leslie Montanile, an N.Y.C-based divorce attorney, to discuss how to successfully move in with your S.O. and the many benefits of living together before saying “I do.”
When you move in with your S.O. before you tie the knot, you get to know all of their daily habits and quirks, which is a huge bonus when preparing for newlywed life, according to Montanile. While you might think that your partner is crushing #adulting prior to moving in together, you may quickly find out that Brad isn’t actually the neat freak you thought he was, but was just shoving his dirty laundry in the closet before you came over. However, says Montanile, “the good news is that you can find a middle ground by blending your differences so that both of you are comfortable in your new arrangement, making adjustments before taking that trip down the aisle.” Just like you learned in kindergarten, sometimes you have to compromise.
Although moving in together can bring couples closer, don’t expect it to be all sunshine and rainbows from the moment you move in. Most couples will likely argue during the adjustment phase, especially when it comes to personal space and living habits. Since friction is totally natural when you and your partner have differences about, like, the A.C. temperature, Montanile suggests finding “a solution to your differences that are creating friction in the first place.” This can actually be super healthy for your relationship, Montanile says, since “You can be secure knowing that arguments during the adjustment period do not mean you are not compatible—in fact, it means you care enough about your partner to express your frustration or discontent at the moment and are not afraid to show how you are feeling.” Eventually, your lifestyles will meld together, and you can get back to your mushy couple stuff (gag).
Come As You Are
Initially, giving up your personal space and private time can make you especially pissy towards your partner—being hypercritical, starting fights about what you should order for dinner, sh*t like that—or it can even make you question the entire decision to move in together. Before you commit to living together, Montanile advises sitting down “to discuss what is important to you to keep as part of your new life together. Whether it is a weekly date with your friends, yoga, cooking class, golfing on the weekend, etc., these are the activities that made you and your partner happy before moving in together and should not suddenly cease.” After all, no one wants to be that girl whose only personality trait is being Josh’s girlfriend. Since you fell in love with your partner as a unique individual, “maintaining some of that individuality keeps your romance alive,” Montanile explains.
Making Money Moves
Talking about money can be awkward, but it’s necessary to discuss when moving in with your S.O. When you began dating, you might have followed a set spending pattern, like taking turns paying for dates or having the partner with the higher salary treating the other, but there are even more financial factors to consider when combining households. Montanile advises couples to “discuss their budgets and spending habits before moving in with each other so that there are no surprises.” While it’s not the sexiest conversation, “Deciding how you will handle the newly joint expenses upfront will take the stress off the relationship right from the start to concentrate on the fun new adventure of living with the one you love.” For example, you could both agree on a bill-splitting app to use or create a shared spreadsheet to track expenses, then you can move on to the fun stuff, like attempting to put your IKEA bookshelf together.
Happily Ever After
While you may want to jump straight into wedding planning the minute you’ve posted your “He put a ring on it!” Instagram, there are literally so many perks to living together first. After all, remarks Montanile, “it is a big deal to move in with someone no matter how much you love them and want to be with them.” Basically, it’s like getting to know each other all over again, except in an up-close way and in your shared space, instead of over Tinder. So, it’s not uncommon for your S.O. to act a little differently after move-in day, Montanile says. “Perhaps you find that your partner is quieter than usual—realize that when you are with someone all the time, you will learn that they are not always ‘on’ as if you were dating. Everyone has downtime or up time that you do not see when you are not living together.” You shouldn’t worry too much, though, because your partner is prob just adjusting to not having their own space anymore, which can cause them to behave a little differently until they become comfortable in your new, combined abode. At the end of the day, all of the ~struggles~ of moving in together are so worth it, since they’re all part of creating a grown-up, happy, and lifelong relationship.
For more insight on love and law, visit Leslie Montanile’s website.
Images: Cottonbro / Pexels; Giphy (2)
It’s hard to watch Rachel Lindsay’s season of The Bachelorette and not think, “okay, which one of these clowns would I give a rose to?” I mean, when Chris Harrison promised us the “most diverse season yet,” he definitely was not just talking about melanin levels. This bunch has something for everybody, from legitimate lawyers who honestly have no reason to be on The Bachelorette, to a man whose employment is apparently tickling-related and an aspiring drummer (actually, not anymore, sorry Blake!). But which one is right for you, dear reader? Well, IDK. IDK you, TBH. But I know someone who does! The stars. The stars know exactly which of Rachel Lindsay’s 30+ boyfriends would be right for you, and they also know exactly who should be eliminated from your life immediately. And don’t worry, I already asked Mercury and she says nobody is compatible with the Whaboom guy, even when she’s in retrograde.
Aries – Alex
Aries, you are one of the most energetic, high-energy, and honestly extra of the zodiac signs. For this reason you need an energetic, high-energy, extra Bachelorette contestant to truly win your heart. That’s why Alex, the hot Russian guy who was just a smidge too into dancing on elderly women in Ellen’s audience, is exactly right for you. As a natural born leader, you will enjoy having a piece of arm candy as fire as Alex. And because you’re an energetic nut job most of the time, you won’t mind when Alex does manic shit like shake his ass on some horny daytime television viewers or piss in the pool because he was “done working out and there was nobody in there.”
Take To Fantasy Suites: Will, Bryce
Send Home Immediately: Jack Stone, Josiah
Taurus – Tickle Monster
Taurus, while you may be a practical, no-bullshit person, you’re also a sign that most values physical touch. And who among Rachel Lindsay’s Bachelorette contestants is more fond of physical touch than Jonathan aka “Tickle Monster.” Sure, his non-traditional employment (still unclear how “Tickle Monster” earns him a paycheck, but okay) goes against your love of traditional values, but tickling itself is a pretty traditional move. Like, kindergarten level. You want someone who is upfront and honest, and what is more upfront and honest than going on national television and telling the world you’re a 31-year-old tickle fetishist?
Take To Fantasy Suites: Josiah, Kenny
Send Home Immediately: Brady, Lee
Gemini – Adam (and Adam Jr)
As a Gemini, it can be hard to hold your attention, and this whole “dating only one person” thing is really not your cup of tea. So why not date someone who brings along his own counterpart? When you get bored of Adam (and you will—you get bored of everything), you can just send him away and spend a romantic evening learning French from Adam Jr. Geminis love conversation starters, and what’s a better way to break the ice than saying, “Hey family, this is Adam, my boyfriend, and Adam Jr., my boyfriend’s doll. And before you ask, yes, we do consider ourselves a thruple.”
Take To Fantasy Suites: Diggy, Dean
Send Home Immediately: Anthony, Iggy
Cancer – Kenny
Cancer, as much as you and your IUD hate to admit it now, you want a damn family. You’re an intense person and you want an intense relationship to go along with it. And what says “intense” more than “professional wrestler with a child”? You will get all the benefits of having a child without any of the whole being-pregnant-and-ruining-your-bikini-body thing. For lack of a better term, you want someone who is here for the right reasons, and Kenny is definitely that.
Take To Fantasy Suites: Bryan, Anthony
Send Home Immediately: Alex, Lee
Leo – Matt
Leo, I don’t need to tell you that “center of attention is your job,” and your job only. That’s why your best Bachelorette contestant is one who does not stand out in any way. Someone who has done literally nothing to distinguish himself over the course of three weeks, yet somehow remains mostly based on hottness. I give you: Matt, the 32-year-old construction sales rep who I truly forgot was in this competition until reviewing my bracket. Like I said, Matt is hot, which means he will look good next to you in photos, and honestly, that’s really all you need. Just sit there and be pretty, Matt. Leo will do all the rest.
Take To Fantasy Suites: Brady, Iggy
Send Home Immediately: Alex, Peter
Virgo – Peter
Virgo, you are hard-working, mature, and sensible. Basically, you have no business dating anyone on The Bachelorette. But if you must, you should go with Peter, the cute gap-toothed business owner. You’re like a match made in heaven! Peter is a sweet midwestern boy with the mental acuity to own his own business. I mean, sure, that business is a personal training company, but that’s serious enough for you, Virgo. Despite his level of normalness, Peter has also risen to the top of basically every respectable Bachelorette bracket, which shows you that he’s not fucking around or playing games—two things that Virgos have literally no time for.
Take To Fantasy Suites: Anthony, Josiah
Send Home Immediately: Lee, Jonathan
Libra – Josiah
Libras are generally peaceful (good for you) and fair. They value justice and equality so much that their sign’s symbol is literally scales. That’s why Josiah, the lawyer, is literally perfect for you. Josiah has made himself another frontrunner despite the fact that he’s started absolutely 0 drama, and we all know that you low-key were aroused by his fake legal jargon in the premier episode. The two of you will live a peaceful, drama-free life on his attorney’s salary. People will make fun of you for being in a stable relationship, but you’ll know in their hearts they’re all jealous AF.
Take To Fantasy Suites: Anthony, Jack Stone
Send Home Immediately: Brady, Eric
Scorpio – Eric
Scorpio, u kno u crazy. And you need someone who is going to match that crazy energy with their own. Cue Eric, a man who got into screaming matches with two different people for literally no reason and yet still walked away with the rose. If this isn’t a metaphor for how you live your life, I don’t know what is. The two of you will obviously be “that couple” in your friend group who gets too drunk at group dinners and ends up turning the table over, but it’s all in good fun…right? Sure, your relationship will probably cost you a few invitations for couples outings, but you and Eric don’t care what other people think anyway. Just make sure they keep your names out of their mouths.
Take To Fantasy Suites: Lee, Iggy
Send Home Immediately: Kenny, Matt
Sagittarius – Will
Sagittarius, you are the funny one of your friend group. Your main hobbies are 1) making people laugh, 2) making people laugh, and 3) not giving a fuck about how you look in order to make people laugh. So yeah, a guy who dresses up like Steve Urkle complete with a quick change just to make Rachel giggle is exactly the person for you. The two of you have a wonderful, costume filled life of laughter and tagging yourself in memes ahead of you. Honestly we’re all a little jealous.
Take To Fantasy Suites: Diggy, Alex
Send Home Immediately: Eric, Josiah
Capricorn – Anthony
Capricorn, you’re another sign that honestly has no business dating Bachelorette contestants, but you’re here and you’re interested so your best bet at finding love is with Anthony, a man who truly should never have had any reason to meet Chris Harrison. Anthony is not only by all accounts a normal human man, he’s also a Fulbright scholar and a world traveler. You are the most grown up of the zodiac signs, so you need a man in your life who seems like he would actually remember to pay the gas bill if left to his own devices. Anthony is an “education software manager,” which is one of those very adult sounding jobs where you’re not quite sure what the job is but it seems relatively important. You won’t have any trouble introducing Anthony to your parents. Just probably don’t mention the thing where he rode a horse into a store on Rodeo Drive.
Take To Fantasy Suites: Josiah, Peter
Send Home Immediately: Jonathan, Alex
Aquarius – Diggy
Aquarius, you are an independent-minded deep thinker, which is exactly why the fact that Diggy was def almost eliminated this week won’t phase you at all. You’re the political one of your friend group, and what’s more woke than a dude whose tie collection rivals your entire wardrobe? You love intellectual conversations, and who better to give you that than a man in a pair of Warby Parkers that just scream, “I HAVE READ MANY ARTICLES!!” The two of you will be able to curl up next to the fire, wrapped up in a scarf you both share, and exchange hot takes from Twitter until the Sun comes up. How 2017 romantic of you.
Take To Fantasy Suites: Will, Anthony
Send Home Immediately: Lee, Jonathan
Pisces – Lee or Dean
Pisces, you are the most sensitive of the signs, which is unfortunately why you tend to fall for the wrong guy. That’s why Lee is in the picture for you. Your love of music will surely blind you to the fact that singer/songwriter Lee has been revealed to be a legitimate racist on the internet, and your forgiving nature will make you want to let it go, despite the fact that literally every person (and every Bachelorette bracket) is telling you no. Once you finally come to your senses, Dean will be there with open arms also seeking your forgiveness for his once-you-go-black comment, and this time you will be rewarded. As it turns out, Dean is pretty cool and said something dumb because he’s a man and that’s what men do.
Take To Fantasy Suites: Eric, Adam
Send Home Immediately: Anthony, Bryce
In his classic “whore-myself-out-on-social-media” way, Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson announced that he and girlfriend Ciara are engaged.
The power couple got engaged just like any normal couple: on a private beach in the Seychelles with the Indian Ocean in the background.
I mean, COME ON.
Russell Wilson and Ciara are no strangers to sharing their love lives on Instagram. Like the Kardashians, but with talent. And class. And less plastic. Which actually makes them arguably the most boring couple in the NFL, but they’re still an incredibly attractive couple.
And kind of cute, if you’re into that sort of thing.
This is the first engagement for Russell Wilson, but the second for Ciara, who has a child with rapper Future.
Check out more photos and videos of their “intimate” engagement trip. “Intimate” in quotes because Wilson is famously saving himself for marriage. Which just makes you wonder…