2020, amirite? That’s it, that’s the article.
I’m kidding! But seriously, have all years just gotten progressively worse, or does it only feel this way because of the 24-hour news cycle and advent of social media making it impossible to escape or stop talking about the bad news? Or is this the inevitable byproduct of capitalism, racism, environmental injustice, and fascism going unchecked and reaching a boiling point? Too deep for this article? Too deep for this article. If you thought the “Trump is going to tweet us into WWIII” phase of 2020 felt like forever ago, allow me to send you off the deep end by taking it a step further and reminiscing on huge cultural events that seem like they happened in another lifetime, but in fact, only took place in 2019. Get ready to go off a proverbial cliff.
Jordyn Woods Went On Red Table Talk
I remember it like it was both yesterday and 17 years ago: we were all in the office (a physical office, can you imagine?), gathered around the flat-screen TV, watching Jordyn Woods go on Red Table Talk with Jada Pinkett Smith to discuss her alleged tryst with Tristan Thompson. It was the kiss heard ’round the world: Jordyn, BFF of Kylie Jenner, smooching the baby daddy and ex of Kylie’s sister? It was a wild time. The memes. The jokes. The memes again. I miss it more than I miss some of my actual friends whom I haven’t seen in months.
Colton Jumped The Fence
Back when Colton Underwood was merely boring and not f*cking scary, we all waited with bated breath for the night he would finally vault himself over a fence in order to chase down the love of his life, Cassie Randolph. In retrospect, perhaps that should have been a sign this man did not exactly have a healthy attachment style. Anyway! Back in March 2019, The Bachelor viewers finally saw that long-awaited fence jump that Chris Harrison had been teasing out all season. Can’t believe we were actually looking forward to this at one point in our lives. But if I could somehow fence jump myself out of this universe, I definitely would.
Area 51 Raid
What I wouldn’t give for aliens to come to abduct me right now and take me away from this hellscape, tbh. This time last year, thousands of people RSVP’d to a Facebook event expressing their intent to storm Area 51. Nobody really did, because the event was made as a joke—although a few people did show up. What happened to them? Has anyone followed up or were they just wiped away from existence by the government? Anyway, looking back on it, I think we should have just gone for it and raided Area 51. Honestly, it’s not too late! Whatever could happen surely can’t make things any worse, right?
Justin & Hailey’s Wedding
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1 year ago we had the best wedding. Wish I could live this day over and over 🤍🕊
It feels like these two have been married for decades, what with their constant Instagram PDA and general parent-like wardrobe aesthetic, but you would be wrong in thinking this marriage has been on the books for that long. That’s right, friends, Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin only actually had their wedding in September 2019 (though they did have a courthouse wedding exactly one year before that, in 2018). When time is a complete social construct, it’s easy to forget that I have cans of black beans in my pantry that are older than this marriage.
College Admissions Scandal
Ah yes, remember a time when rich people would actually be punished for their crimes? It was not actually so long ago, merely the faraway time of 2019, when Lori Loughlin, Felicity Huffman, et. al. got busted for participating in an elaborate (and if you ask me, stupid) scheme to get their kids admitted to colleges under false pretenses. The charges were made public in March of 2019 and the sting was called Operation Varsity Blues. We got so much from this, including Olivia Jade’s fake rowing pictures, Lori Loughlin’s every attempt to justify her very much illegal actions, Felicity Huffman’s joke of a jail sentence, and probably the inevitable Netflix and Hulu documentaries. Do you think Olivia Jade will play herself in the fictionalized adaptation for HBO?
Bradley & Gaga’s Oscars Performance
Okay, to be fair, A Star Is Born was big in 2018 technically, since The Oscars take place in February. But still, who else can barely remember a time when you could have 100 people in a room, regardless of whether or not 99 of those people believe in you? I shudder at the thought now. As does the time Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga basically had sex on stage with their eyes while performing the breakout hit from the movie they starred in together. It feels like 5 years ago, but it was really more like one and a half.
Series Finale of ‘Game of Thrones’
Yeah, the series finale of Game of Thrones completely sucked, but you know what’s even worse? The series finale of American democracy. I really wish the biggest thing we had to complain about was investing years in a TV show that completely sh*t the bed on its ending. Even though Game of Thrones only ended in May 2019, I for one have enjoyed this extremely blissful period in which I stopped having to pretend like I cared at all. Honestly, I wish it had ended sooner.
Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth’s Divorce
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…And Miley’s subsequent Hot Girl Summer journey. We have yet to see anything like the utter messiness of Miley and Liam getting divorced after basically pulling a decade-long “will-they-won’t-they” on the general public, and then Miley gallivanting around Italy with Kaitlynn Carter, who had just divorced from her ex, Brody Jenner. It was a media circus that we were all living for. Ugh, those were fun times.
The U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Won The World Cup
Jesus f*cking Christ, look at how much can change in a year. In July 2019, the U.S. Women’s Soccer team won the 2019 FIFA World Cup, and we were all “girl power!” and “goals!” and “Megan Rapinoe is bae “. Now, we’re all “Make The Handmaid’s Tale fictional again” and “please don’t confirm a Supreme Court Justice who basically walked straight out of Gilead” and “should I get an IUD?”
Trump Was Impeached
Yeah, that only happened in December 2019. And thank goodness it taught him a much-needed lesson on not overstepping your power, denouncing white supremacists, and gracefully conceding should he lose the general election come November. Oh, wait.
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Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; Giphy; haileybieber, mileycyrus / Instagram; Ed Herrera / Getty Images
It’s been weeks since news of the celebrity college admissions scandal broke, and it’s still one of the biggest stories in the news. While I’m not surprised that any of this stuff was happening behind closed doors, the scandal has still been shocking for different reasons. First of all, I never thought I would be this invested in the life of a teenage YouTuber. I hate to admit it, but I care deeply about what’s going on with Olivia Jade. In the past couple of weeks, there have been dozens of stories and rumors going around about Olivia and her family, and it’s tough to keep track of what’s going on. Let’s do our best to run through the most important Olivia Jade stories that have been going around.
First off, Olivia allegedly isn’t talking to her parents, and is staying with her model boyfriend, Jackson Guthry. Olivia’s friends are apparently urging her to reconnect with her parents, because they maintain that Aunt Becky and Mossimo were just trying to do what’s best for her. I feel like if her parents really wanted to do what’s best for her, they made a few small mistakes. Like, maybe they should’ve let her develop a work ethic on her own, and also maybe they shouldn’t have committed felonies that would end up humiliating her publicly and ruining her career. But then again, her mom does duck face in pictures, so maybe she went to the Regina George’s Mom School of Parenting, and just didn’t know any better. She probably paid half a million dollars to get in there, too.
Olivia’s own friends might be the only ones who are supporting Olivia’s parents, because her parents’ friends are reportedly distancing themselves because they’re “so disgusted.” Um, I’m sorry, but buying your kids a college degree is far from the biggest scandal in Hollywood. I wonder if all these rich people were as quick to react when their friends got #MeToo’d. But Danny Tanner is standing by their side, and I’m sure Uncle Joey is too. I bet they think the whole thing is despicable, but based off Full House, they’ll take whatever they can get in terms of friends. John Stamos has yet to make an official statement, and the Olsen twins probably don’t remember who Lori Loughlin is.
It’s reported that Olivia feels like she’s a victim in the situation. Look, the way society works these days is that every week, we find a new witch to burn at the stake for the sake of entertainment, and to feel better about ourselves. Right now, Olivia and her parents are said witches. I’m sure a lot of people would disagree that she’s a victim, but she didn’t even want to go to college in the first place—her parents actually made her do it. She wanted to focus on her beauty brand, and is now losing deals left and right. Love her or hate her, she actually worked to build her brand, and now she’s watching it crumble. If she really didn’t know what her parents were doing, I actually sort of buy that she’s a victim here.
Olivia and her sister have also reportedly dropped out of USC because of “bullying.” I totally buy this, because I would probably do the same thing if I was in their situation. USC said they were resolving whether or not the students involved in the scam should stay or go on a “case-by-case” basis, but they are claiming these girls haven’t dropped out…? Wait, what? So my guess is that Olivia Jade and Bella leaving is more of a “You can’t fire me because I quit!!” scenario to save face.
The media is also doing whatever they can to unearth past info on Olivia and Bella (oh, that’s her sister we keep forgetting about, BTW!). Bella apparently was on the lower spectrum of the average expectations for students admitted to USC but there’s no word on Olivia’s grades. However, this rando YouTuber said she went to the same school as Olivia Jade for ONE WHOLE WEEK, and while they never spoke at all, she’s pretty sure Olivia didn’t do that well if she was off making videos and mingling at NYFW instead of doing six hours of homework every night. Okay, chill. There’s no way you were actually doing six hours of homework every night in high school. Let me just say again that this chick never even spoke to Olivia Jade. Does breathing the same air as a celeb mean that you’re an accurate resource for their personal life? If so, stay tuned for my upcoming YouTube video where I talk about whether or not Kylie will be friends with Jordyn again, because one time my cashier at Urban Outfitters modeled with them for Yeezy, so I apparently have the authority to talk about it.
Ok it’s been 2 weeks where is Olivia Jade’s apology video
— CJ (@chaneljanssen) March 24, 2019
So we don’t really know about Olivia’s high school accomplishments, but she did say on a radio show that she loves when teenagers DM her for advice on applying to college. First off, young, impressionable, innocent girls, here’s your college admissions life hack: TALK TO YOUR COLLEGE COUNSELORS, NOT A YOUTUBER MAJORING IN COMMUNICATIONS. While this is distressing, I’m more surprised that Olivia actually reads those DMs. I thought they’d be lost amongst requests from guys who live in their moms’ basements berating her looks or asking for feet pics, but I guess she actually sees (and reads?!) those DMs from her fans. I can barely bring myself to respond to people from my college or randoms messaging me on LinkedIn trying to ~network~. Either she’s a really good samaritan who would deign to give BS college advice (which I doubt) or she doesn’t even engage with said DMs but is trying to make herself look relatable and wholesome by saying she’s DMing these fans.
Since the scandal broke, Olivia and Bella have been lying low—no social media posts, no paparazzi shots, nada. Bella’s profile is on private, and sources close to Olivia Jade claim she says that she’s also “staying off social media.” And by “staying off social media,” I mean she’s probably only posting Instagram stories using the close friends feature. THE STRUGGLE. My shrink always says to me, “Instagram isn’t reality, it’s just a highlight reel.” But what could Olivia possibly be highlighting right now? She won’t even go out in public. However, her boyfriend’s Instagram comments section is lit with zingers like “How much did Olivia Jade pay you to get in her?” Maybe be a good boyfriend and turn off the comments for Olivia’s sake, dude.
Sources are also claiming that Olivia Jade’s application for a trademark request got rejected because it had poor punctuation. Um, okay. I believe Olivia filled out that trademark request herself as much as I believe she filled out her own college applications (she didn’t). She’s said before that she has an assistant (again, WHY do you need college?), so I’m sure someone else filled out the thing.
Live look at Olivia Jade filling out legal paperwork:
The rejection also said the request was too vague about what beauty products she wanted to hawk. They wanted her to be more specific than just saying “concealer” and “lip kits.” As someone who uses her fingers to apply makeup, I don’t see how much more specific you can get, but YouTube beauty gurus are in a league of their own. I’ve seen these makeup tutorial videos. They’re so complex, and involve such finesse that I’m pretty sure these influencers could have been asked to paint the Sistine Chapel if they were alive back then. Meanwhile, I’m wearing mascara from CVS and haven’t bought foundation in like, a year.
Okay, glad we’re finally all caught up on Olivia Jade. I definitely deserve an edible and a nap after writing an essay that involved more research than Olivia Jade ever did during her time at USC. I’m still impatiently waiting for her or someone from her family to make a public statement, but until then, rumors and TMZ reports will have to do.
Images: @enews / Instagram; @chaneljanssen / Twitter; Giphy (2)
It’s been a pretty crazy week. We lost a whole day to the Instagram Blackout of 2019, and there’s been way too much Bachelor/Bachelorette news to keep up with. Despite all of this, the week’s biggest story has definitely been the college admissions scandal. Earlier this week, more than four dozen people were indicted for fraudulent practices, mostly involving falsifying test scores. At the center of the investigation is William Rick Singer, a businessman who facilitated all of the crimes that went down. Now, it’s officially the biggest college admissions scandal ever prosecuted in the US. When the story first broke, we were all focused on the celebrity angle, with beloved TV stars Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin both being indicted. After that, we turned our attention to how all of this actually went down.
It’s no big surprise that the college admissions system is corrupt, but seeing concrete examples of how rich people cheated the system still stings a little bit. When I wasn’t happy with my ACT score, my mom just bought me a practice book that I pretended to use like a normal teen. Also, I mean, I already assumed rich people were bribing their way into colleges, but I always thought it was slightly more subtle, like by sponsoring buildings, not buying a fake SAT score. I wish I’d known that was an option this entire time! Oh well.
At the center of this whole mess is Lori Loughlin’s daughter, Olivia Jade. You’ve probably seen her face and heard her name a lot in the last few days, but if you’re like me and you’re blissfully unaware of teen influencers, you probably don’t really know anything about her and have probably been asking yourself, “who is Olivia Jade?” but been too ashamed to Google it. I’m about to change that, so you’re welcome!!
First and foremost, Olivia Jade is a freshman at the University of Southern California. As we all know, she worked hard to earn her spot on the crew team, and she’s on track to be the team MVP this season. Just kidding! Her parents paid a quarter of a million dollars to have her falsely designated as a crew team recruit, allowing her to basically be automatically accepted to USC. She definitely hasn’t gone to a single practice, but to be fair, I wouldn’t want to wake up at 5am to go rowing either.
This clip from one of her YouTube videos last year has gone viral (for obvious reasons) in the wake of this week’s news:
Olivia Jade said that she only wanted to go to college to party and go to football games… are we really shocked that her mom was involved in a bribery to get her admitted to USC??? pic.twitter.com/8t3qdZUzIP
— Mal (@bbmalxo) March 12, 2019
That’s a major yikes. I mean, I went to college for the game days and the parties too, but I also needed to get a degree so I could, like, get a job and make money for the rest of my life. So obviously Olivia Jade wasn’t there for the right reasons, but what did she actually mean when she talked about trying to “balance it all”? Her career as a YouTuber and influencer, of course!
Olivia Jade started her YouTube channel back in 2014, and she now has nearly two million subscribers. Her videos are mostly about beauty and fashion, and I won’t pretend that she’s not one of the most stunning 18-year-olds I’ve ever seen. Pretty sure I was a sweaty disaster at her age, but I’m not mad about it. Because of who her mom is, Olivia has always had a lot of opportunities, but last year she really upped her brand game with her very own Sephora collaboration. The first product in the collection was a highlight palette, because there definitely aren’t enough of those in the world.
Obviously Olivia Jade and her family are in some legal hot water right now, but that’s not the only problem. Yesterday, Sephora responded to concerned customers on Twitter, and announced that they’re ending their partnership with Olivia Jade immediately. Sucks for her, but at least she’ll have her college education to fall back on!
Hi there, After careful review of recent developments, we have made the decision to end the Sephora Collection partnership with Olivia Jade, effective immediately.
— Sephora (@Sephora) March 14, 2019
Meanwhile, on the Sephora website, people have been leaving totally savage reviews on her product page. There are lots to choose from, but this is my personal favorite. I’ve really been looking for the perfect highlight to skip class, so I’m glad I found it.
Olivia Jade still hasn’t made any kind of statement about the scandal on her social media accounts, but I can’t wait to see her string together a sentence about the legal system. In the mean time, Twitter has been absolutely on fire with memes about Olivia, and I fully can’t keep it together in the office right now:
olivia jade failing her SATs but then hearing her mom bribe the teacher pic.twitter.com/GsWmi4kk7r
— molly (@dyonvi) March 12, 2019
I’m always down for a Britney Spears meme, any time, anywhere. People are also joking about the potential legal trouble Olivia Jade could be facing, even though it seems like her parents are the ones paying the price:
olivia jade clearing out her dorm room at usc pic.twitter.com/FLC8ZgH7kw
— rosie (@bethecowboys) March 12, 2019
As for Olivia’s USC education, the latest reports are that she and her older sister Bella won’t be going back to school after spring break because they would be “viciously bullied.” That’s probably true, but it’s also unclear whether they’ll even be allowed to go back. USC has said that they’ll be making decisions on a case-by-case basis, and no decisions have been made yet. I really hope Olivia Jade’s USC hearing gets live-streamed, because I’m dying to know what will happen next.
Images: Shutterstock; @oliviajade / Instagram; @bbmalxo, @sephora, @dyonvi @bethecowboys/ Twitter; Sephora