The MTV Video Music Awards are traditionally an event where celebrities compete with each other to wear the ugliest, most outrageous shit they can find. Except this year was a snooze fest and even the ugliest outfits weren’t that offensive. There weren’t any swan dresses or major wardrobe malfunctions, which is seriously disappointing. I don’t even think any real celebrities went this year unless they knew they had to perform or accept an award; the red carpet was pretty much just social media stars. I guess everyone figured the world would be too busy watching the Game of Thrones finale to tune into the VMAs, so they decided not to even make an effort to be extra. What a shame. Anyway, these outfits still managed to suck, so let’s talk shit about them.
Alessia Cara has a zero fucks attitude, which I really appreciate. I mean, she literally wore sweats and sneakers to the VMAs, which is a level of laziness I aspire to achieve someday. Usually, I’d give this type of behavior a free pass, but Alessia wore a plain black choker with Adidas Superstars, which are two trends that the Tumblr teens have totally killed. She also wore some sweatpants that kind of look like gauchos. *Googles what year it is* Like, girl, you won an award. Have a little self-respect.
I. Wow. I’m gonna go book a doctor’s appointment, because I think this outfit gave me an aneurysm. On top you’ve got some party tinfoil ensemble and then on bottom you’ve got sweatpants? It’s like Lorde started making this outfit for the Project Runway unconventional materials challenge and then just ran out of time. If those sweatpants weren’t bad enough, she paired them with Adidas superstars. It’s crazy meets lazy meets basic, and it’s all around bad.
I don’t even know where to go with this one. Do I make a joke about the upcoming live action Aladdin movie, or do I take the ninja route? I’m a huge fan of jumpsuits, but this one is brutal. I’m actually v here for the top part because
I have daddy issues slutty is my aesthetic, but then they had to go and ruin it with some sequined MC Hammer pants. And then Demi paired this all with some librarian heels. What makes this outfit especially tragic is that Demi’s hair and makeup are fire, and “No Promises” is my current jam. I really wanted to see her succeed. I was rooting for you, Demi. We were all rooting for you!
I don’t think that someone we vaguely remember from when Vine was a thing counts as a “poorly dressed celebrity,” but this dress sucks, so I’m going to add it to the list anyway. All it’s missing are pin stripes and then this would be a Sexy Lady Gangster costume from Spirit Halloween.
If you can look past the creepy fake baby Katy has strapped to her chest, you can appreciate the full horror of this dress. This isn’t The Hangover, put Carlos to bed. Anyway, Katy looks like a member of Mugatu’s squad, or like Princess Anastasia gone wrong (Google it, you’ll know what I’m talking about). Honestly, I’m pretty shocked that her outfits for the night weren’t worse than they were. I had low expectations.
Anyone know why Scary Spice showed up with a “I need to talk to your manager” haircut and a giant eyeball over her ass? I feel like she got high and watched The Secret right before getting dressed and all she could do was mumble shit about her “third eye” to her stylist and this is what they came up with.
Spring has arrived which means it’s time to trade in our all black outfits for different black outfits, and more importantly, to stay on trend with the latest resting betch faces. While last season was all about mid-winter depression and post-election angst, this season is all about showcasing how warmer temperatures equal less fucks given. We’re bringing you five of our favorite new scowls for an RBF update that will have you looking bitter and better than ever.
1. Danielle Bregoli AKA “Cash Me Outside”
Danielle became a viral meme earlier this year when she went on Dr. Phil and threatened to fight an entire studio audience, whom she referred to as a bunch of hoes. Naturally, the response is that everyone fucking loves her and she now gets paid $40,000 to show up at events because it’s 2017 and God isn’t real. As a certified juvenile delinquent, the “howbow dah” girl sports RBF that feels like an instant classic, no matter how badly you want it to just go away already, and will pair well with any casual ensemble and extreme sense of entitlement this season.
2. Sean Spicer
Press Secretary Spicer has quickly become the angriest looking person in D.C., and it’s not just because you could land an airplane on the bags under his eyes. Spicey’s facial expressions, even when he’s not speaking, are filled with a vitriol only experienced by someone forced to commit political suicide everyday as part of their job. He’s 100% dead inside, and 100% a must-have in your wardrobe.
These days Lorde is extremely excited about releasing the smash hit “Green Light” off her new album, but you’d never know it by looking at her. That’s because her face naturally emanates hate beams for miles and actually has the power to kill people. Her sleek RBF look is best worn for a night out on the town and is guaranteed to elicit a worried “What’s wrong? Are you mad at me?” from everyone who crosses your path.
4. Grayson Allen
Pretty much everyone who follows college basketball hates Duke’s shooting guard Grayson Allen, but not as much as he loathes us and life in general. Allen is known for tripping his opponents and consistently demonstrating the opposite of good sportsmanship, all while flaunting his signature death stare. With Duke’s crushing loss in the NCAA tournament still so fresh, this look is literally all the rage.
5. Blue Ivy at the Grammys
Holy god damn. The world has never seen a 5-year-old harder and fiercer than Blue Ivy Carter, not that we’re surprised in the least since she’s the offspring of demi-god Beyoncé. At this year’s Grammy Awards she sported a $3,000 pink Gucci tuxedo and made everyone from James Corden to Nick Jonas feel inferior with her devastating shade. Wear it out of solidarity for Lemonade, or just wear it because you’re a fucking badass. Either way, everyone needs to be sporting the Blue Ivy betch face this spring.