We’re getting into the second half of summer, which means it’s time to talk about the MTV VMAs again. Now the VMAs are known for always producing iconic performances and ~moments~, but usually no one really cares about the awards. Usually. Well, the nominations came out this week, and Taylor Swift got snubbed in all the biggest categories. Wow, I’m speechless. Considering that she’s won the Grammy for Album of the Year twice, Taylor probably doesn’t even care about this, but rest assured her fans had plenty to say.
First of all, let me note that Taylor didn’t get left off the nominees list entirely. The video for “Look What You Made Me Do,” which I had some thoughts about at the time, scored noms for Art Direction, Visual Effects, and Editing. So basically, all the categories that no one GAF about, even if Taylor has the best art director or whatever in the game. Good for her, but she was left out of categories like Video of the Year, Song of the Year, and Artist of the Year. Basically, whoever decides the nominations for the VMAs was reaaaally not feeling Taylor’s new album. Whoever you are, hit me up, we could be friends.
Here are some of Taylor Swift’s fans who had absolutely no chill after the nominations were announced:
— Taylor Swift Facts (@TSwiftFTC) July 16, 2018
Good for you, you watched it 43 million times in a day! I was definitely two or three of those views (for research purposes only).
let’s not pretend that lwymmd wasn’t one of the most iconic pop culture moments of all time. i mean it broke the vevo record FOR A REASON pic.twitter.com/ODKz8MoCeB
— malek (@witnessinners) July 16, 2018
Okay, props for the Kris Jenner GIF usage, but calling the video one of the most iconic pop culture moments of ALL TIME is a bit of a stretch. I mean, this is no Janet Jackson’s nipple at the Super Bowl, let’s be real. Also, if we’re really talking about iconic pop culture moments, what about the moment with Kim and Kanye that inspired this song in the first place?? Right, that’s what I thought.
Taylor Swift is not nominated in the Artist of the Year and LWYMMD isn’t nominated in the Video of the Year at this year’s VMAs like she didn’t break YouTube and Vevo record at the same time in the first day of ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ mv release. Okay then @MTV @vmas
— allain ???????? (@swiftreputation) July 16, 2018
Wow, they really seem focused on this Vevo record, huh? Honestly, it’s been like a decade and I still haven’t gotten a clear explanation of wtf Vevo is, and how it’s actually different from YouTube. Congrats to Taylor on her record, I guess, but these are just not convincing arguments. It’s almost as if using a video to reignite a petty feud from two years ago and rip off “Formation” isn’t as groundbreaking as, say, a video exploring the difficulties of being black in America. Hm.
To her credit, Taylor herself has been quiet about the VMA nominations (or lack thereof), so all we’ve really learned is that Taylor Swift has some rabid fans. What else is new? Feel free to pop off in the comments section about how evil I am, because haters are my motivators. Also, I’d like to admit that I don’t hate “Delicate,” despite how hard I’ve tried. That’s all for today, I’m tired of talking about this.
Images: TSwiftFTC, swiftreputation, witnesssinners / Twitter
As anyone with access to the internet can tell you, Taylor Swift’s new album Reputation dropped today, and despite months of my own personal haterism, it is like, v good. Now obviously, any time Taylor drops an album it is our duty as Americans to speculate wildly over who the songs are about. In the past, Taylor’s made this pretty easy, hiding
acrostic poems special clues in the liner notes of her songs, her music videos, and her live performances. This time, however, New Taylor (RIP Old Taylor) isn’t fucking with any of that. In an essay released with hard-copies of Reputation (Sidenote: They still sell hard copies of albums?), Taylor tries to preemptively shut down the rumor mill by saying, “When this album comes out, gossip blogs will scour the lyrics for the men they can attribute to each song, as if the inspiration for music is as simple and basic as a paternity test.” Umm okay, Taylor. If you want to say something to me, you can say it to my face.
So the main question we’re left with after reading Taylor’s
sad handwritten book essay is, is this bullshit? On the one hand, Taylor makes her case very eloquently. It’s almost like she writes her own songs or something. On the other hand, these songs are definitely about specific people, right? Like, how dead is the old Taylor, really? Is she actually-in-the-ground dead, or just-read-something-funny-and-have-to-dramatically-express-how-I-feel-literally dead? It’s an important distinction to make.
In “Look What You Made Me Do” alone, there are a bunch of pretty obvious references to specific people that seem to debunk her essay. I mean, just the sheer number of snakes that appear in that video are pretty clearly directed at the whole Kimye thing. Plus there’s the fact that she literally stands in front of a grave that says “Nils Sjoberg,” which just happens to be the pen name she used while writing songs with ex-boyfriend Calvin Harris. And then, of course, there’s the fact that she literally referenced several past iconic moments in Swift history (aka Swiftstory) with a 30-seconds-too-long 30-second skit at the end of the music video.
Then there’s “Gorgeous,” a major contender for best song on the album, and another one that is chock-full of fairly obvious references to real relationships. She references making fun of the way her bf talks, which could be about one of her three British boyfriends (girl has a type, and I respect that). She also references “ocean blue eyes,” which, tbh, could be about any man Taylor’s ever dated. It’s mostly the lyric “And I got a boyfriend, he’s older than us / He’s in the club doing I don’t know what” that got people thinking the song might be about both Tom Hiddleston (36) and her current bf Joe Alwyn (26) because like, they met when she had a boyfriend that was older than them.
As for “…Ready For It?” the jury is out on who it could be about. Some people say Joe Alwyn, some say Harry Styles. Personally, I think it’s about Harry Styles due to the many island references (the two went on a trip to the British Virgin Island in January of 2013 and it’s actually not lame at all that I know that). There’s also the lyric “Younger than my exes, but he act like such a man,” which technically could apply to Alwyn but seems more likely about Harry because he’s so much younger than her other boyfriends. (He was just 18 when the two dated, and again, it is very cool that I know all this information.)
So basically, what I’m saying is, Taylor, I’mma let you finish, but this album is definitely about specific people and incidents from your life.
Now please return my messages. I need to speak with Meredith.
We’re just under a month away from an Album of the Year drop by the Artist Formerly Known as Taylor Swift, or maybe she’s still Taylor Swift? IDK, that whole “Why? Because she’s dead” thing still has me super confused. Anyway, in honor of the upcoming release of Reputation, let’s take a little gander back through the T-Swift music video catalog and tell you what video speaks to your soul based on your zodiac sign. Get out your fake nerd-glasses and spiral ringlets, betches.
Aries: “Bad Blood”
As an Aries, you’re adventurous and energetic. Since Aries is the first sign in the zodiac, they usually see themselves in leadership roles, not unlike Taylor in the “Bad Blood” video as she wrangles her Army of Skanks—I mean, battalion of models to fight the evil Selena Gomez. The Aries betch loves a good challenge, you know, like being able to stand next to Karlie Kloss, Cindy Crawford, and Zendaya without developing an eating disorder. Also, Aries is a fire sign. Like, duh, “Bad Blood” has the most literal fire out of all the T-Swizzle videos.
Taurus: “Wildest Dreams”
The Taurus betch has been known to be a bit of a self-indulgent pleasure-seeker. Sounds a little bit like the raven-haired actress Swift plays in the video, right? Likewise, Tauruses (Tauri?) are known for their stubbornness and jealousy. Like, yeah, I would be a little jealous too if I hooked up with Scott Eastwood in the middle of Africa, and then he went back to his dumb wife. As an Earth sign, it makes sense for the Taurus to be matched up with “Wildest Dreams.” The video features like, a lot of nature, even if Tay Tay is standing in the middle of it in a ball gown with a bunch of diamonds.
Gemini: “You Belong With Me”
I feel like this was the video that made SO many people into Swifties. Like, it was one of her first big departures from her former Country Cutie persona as she forayed into Pop Star status. Anyway, Geminis are known for their dual personalities. You know, like how Taylor plays herself (a glasses-wearing, sexually active band geek) and a mean girl (a brunette version of Taylor Swift as we know her now). Geminis love to talk, but they are also great listeners—qualities perfect for a peeping-tom type who communicates with her hot neighbor through a series of sad, handwritten notes.
Cancer: “Love Story”
In this video, Taylor plays a Juliet/Renaissance Fair version of herself who falls in love with a swoopy-haired guy definitely circa 2008. Nice. Cancers can be moody and have been known to sulk, possibly in a castle after daddy says you can’t date that hot older Romeo type. Cancers can be emotional, imaginative and clingy, often getting lost in their own personal fairy tales—you know, like if you were to daydream that you and a random campus hottie were so in love you killed yourselves. Yeah, that only happens in the play and not the video, but still.
Leo: “Look What You Made Me Do”
Often known for their ferocity, Leos can also be super pompous and patronizing. You know, like if one was to, say, dress up like their archnemesis and metaphorically get in a major car accident. You know, just something silly and light like that. Leos are used to being given the royal treatment, so it’s understandable that you’d relate to Taylor sitting in a bathtub full of diamonds or on a throne of snakes. Likewise, you’re always reaching for the top, even if the top is that of a pile of your former personas.
Virgo: “White Horse”
It makes total sense that in honor of the Virgo betch, we’d go back to a more virginal, innocent Taylor like in the “White Horse” video. Sidenote, this video stars Laguna Beach‘s Stephen Colletti as the love interest. Um, okay. Anyway, Virgos are known for being one of the more subdued signs. In this video we see a more casual and low-key Tay. The video’s storyline and sad, heartbroken Taylor should appeal to their more tender and emotional side, even if that emotional side hasn’t matured past that of a 17-year-old.
Libra: “The Story of Us”
Partnership is important to the Libra betch, so it only makes sense that you’d relate to how Taylor is pining for the relationship she once had with a nerdy hot guy in this video. Libras are not into conflict, so the fact that it’s totes awkward between Taylor’s character and a guy she probs hooked up with for a couple months during freshman year but now doesn’t really talk to kind of speaks to your soul. Like, you feel for her in this, because you really seek that conflict resolution. Sure, the video ends with the two just shrugging and walking away, but at least you get a hot library makeout scene mid-vid.
Scorpio: “Blank Space”
Damn, Scorpio, you crazy. Kind of like how fucking batshit Taylor goes in this very literal interpretation of her song “Blank Space.” Scorpios can be very jealous and often get violent when they’re enraged, like how Taylor stabs a weird blood cake and also slices up her lover’s dress shirt into having Regina George nipple cutouts. Also, I think my bf legit cringed when she took the golf club to that car. Anyway, Scorpios generally seek a grand passion, totally relatable to the passion between characters in the video. I mean, instead of breaking up with her, the guy just buys a new car. That’s true love.
Sagittarius: “I Knew You Were Trouble”
Sagittarius are known for being idealistic like Taylor in this video, always looking for the best in her dumpster fire of a boyfriend… who I think leaves her stranded in the desert/poor man’s Coachella in the end? IDK, it’s hard to tell what really happens here when you’re so distracted by that disaster of a wig. Still, a Sagittarius seeks freedom, travel, and would probs easily be talked into attending an outdoor concert/festival. Like how Taylor shucked her nicegirl appearance to be a bad girl who stays in a shitty motel, a Sagittarius betch doesn’t like being confined by the opinion or expectations of others.
Capricorn: “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”
A Capricorn can be a bit of a know-it-all; that’s why she’ll relate to the seemingly silly antics of Taylor in the “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” video. Saturn’s control over Capricorn can make these ladies a tad unforgiving—you know, how Taylor has to keep saying “boy bye” to whatever hot male model got recruited to play here ex here. Capricorns like to make plans and execute them perfectly, so they’ll appreciate how Taylor’s band members were prepared to dress like furries and run around probably sweaty AF to make this one-shot video work.
As an Aquarius, friends are one of the most important aspects of your life, so of course your fun-loving and friendly nature is best exemplified by the video for “22.” Though some under the sign are born shy, they’re usually seen as more outgoing because of their energetic and eccentric nature. “Eccentric” like how Taylor attends a house party wearing cat ears. Cat ears! What will this girl think of next? An Aquarius feels best in a group, that’s why it makes sense that we almost never get a solo shot of Tay in the video. She always has at least one member of her girl posse by her side.
Pisces: “Out of The Woods”
A Pisces is known for being a dreamer, relating to the dream-like journey Taylor goes on in the “Out of the Woods” video. As a water sign, it makes sense for Taylor to be facing the elements like snow and water. Wolves probably symbolize something too, but once again, I’m not really sure what’s going on here. Whatever it is, though, it makes sense, because a Pisces is multifaceted and what they say or do will often be interpreted by others in a number of ways. The Pisces betch can often get so lost in their own heads they could totally miss the fact that Tay’s blue dress in the video is the same one she crawls out of the grave in at the beginning of “Look What You Made Me Do.” And I bet you just re-watched the “LWYMMD” video to double-check, didn’t you?
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. And for every Taylor Swift tune, there is some sad-ass male celebrity the song is about. Anyone who is even remotely familiar with Taylor’s discography—aka anyone who has ever gone through a traumatic breakup, or turned on the radio for one second—knows Swift’s whole “thing” is putting clues in her songs so you know who she’s lyrically roasting. She used to hide these clues in the liner notes of her CDs, but since CDs are over, we only have her lyrics to rely on when untangling the mystery of who Taylor Swift’s new single “Gorgeous” is about. Luckily for us, subtlety is not Taylor’s strong suit. I mean, her last music video literally started with a gravestone that said “Taylor Swift’s Reputation” on it. If homegirl wants you to know something, she will fucking tell you. And it is armed with that very info that we can say, categorically, that Taylor Swift’s new song is about none other than fully hot ex boyfriend, Tom Hiddleston.
So like, how do we know this? Mainly because she mentions blue eyes like, 100 fucking times, and Tom Hiddleston has—you guessed it—blue eyes. Now please excuse me while I accept the Nobel Prize for sleuthing. Honestly, it’s kind of nice to see Taylor writing about an ex instead of trying to reclaim the narrative of the Kimye fiasco by talking about snakes all the fucking time. Could it be that the Old Taylor is still very much alive? Is she living in a secret Cuban compound with Tupac, popping out posthumous singles until it is safe for her to return to the U.S.? Is this conspiracy theory my new life’s work? Yes. Yes to all.
We only have heard three songs off Reputation so far, and if they’re any indication, this album is going to be less about the guy that most recently broke her heart, and more about every person who has ever fucked with her in the history of the world.
Let’s break it down:
“Look What You Made Me Do” – About the Kimye feud, obviously. Also, being that this song is such a graveyard smash, I have a working theory this song is actually just an homage to “The Monster Mash”, which I think we all can appreciate.
“…Ready For It?” – Fans are divided on whether or not this song is about her new BF Joe Alwyn or her ex Harry Styles. What we can all agree on is that this one is def an Old Taylor style relationship inspired tune, further proving my theory that the Old Taylor is alive and well. #OldTaylorTruther
And now, of course, we have “Gorgeous”, which everyone agrees is about Tom Hiddleston. And if you’re thinking, “Okay, but Taylor Swift has definitely dated other blue eyed people, right?” Sure. But Tom Hiddleston’s eyes are the bluest, and that’s the point.
Anyway, time to update our running list of who every T. Swift song is about. I have a sneaking suspicion I’ll be updating it until the day that I die.
It’s been a quiet few weeks on the Taylor-Swift-Doing-The-Absolute-Most-O-Meter (patent pending), but that’s about to end. Her new album comes out in less than a month, which means she’ll be putting in overtime at being the absolute worst. She’s already been hard at work on her next music video, which will apparently portray her as some London girl that we definitely wouldn’t get along with.
The London aesthetic is reportedly inspired by Joe Alwyn, the dude who Taylor is dating right now. Joe is basically a random hot British actor (who still lives with his parents—what a catch), and they’ve somehow managed to keep their relationship quiet for the past six months or so, probably by living in one of Tupac’s caves or something. Don’t know, don’t care.
Anyway, Taylor is continuing her questionable trend of completely changing her style/personality based on who she’s dating, and this new video will see her out and about at lots of London spots that she and Joe have experienced together in the whole six or so months they’ve been together. She was spotted riding a bus (wow, so relatable), riding a bike across a bridge, and visiting a kebab shop, all while shooting for the video. To be honest, we’re surprised Taylor eats kebabs, because she seems like more of a salad with no dressing kind of girl, but everyone has a wild side.
Taylor Swift has left fans perplexed by shooting her new music video in a London kebab shop. pic.twitter.com/g4URT7p38e
— THE POP HUB (@ThePopHub) October 15, 2017
A source close to Taylor Swift (our sincerest condolences) told The Telegraph that Taylor “wants to show people she is just a normal girl,” which actually is fair because we all have that one friend who meets a guy and gets obsessed with him immediately, starts posting about him everywhere on social media, and shows up to his job all the time to randomly surprise him with gifts, only to go all scorched Earth on him two weeks later when he won’t introducer her to his mom.
Anyway, in some of the photos from the set, Taylor was wearing a gold chain and a shirt with a snake on it, because of course. She’s really latched onto this whole snake thing, and she obviously thinks it makes her really cool and chill and funny and clever, when it honestly just makes her look desperate and tired. Someone needs to tell Taylor that it’s not inventive to simply acknowledge that you’re aware of the bad things people say about you—it just means you aren’t completely brain dead. Until Taylor provides some interesting spin on her reputation, or tries to combat it in some significant way, or goes even one step above just restating what everyone’s been saying about her for years, we’re not interested.
It’s unclear when the new video will be about, but it most likely goes along with the song “Ready For It,” which is arguably even more heinous than the incredibly heinous “Look What You Made Me Do” because the former includes Taylor rapping. Can’t wait for the album!!
If you felt a random pain directly in your heart for no reason today, it may be due to an egregious act of blasphemy committed against Her Holiness The Queen Beyoncé. What kind of monster would commit such a heinous crime against the world’s most beloved
religious musical figure? Why, the same person who brought us Taylor Swift’s “Look What You Made Me Do” video, of course! Joseph Kahn, or as he shall be known from this day forward, Beelzebub, actually had the audacity to tell the LA Times that not only does he not think “LWYMMD” copied Beyoncé’s “Formation” look, but that in fact Beyoncé copied Taylor’s look from “Bad Blood.”
Umm…excuse me…? There is only one response to an outrageous statement like that, and it is:
How is it even legal to make a statement like this? The world is out here trying to focus on North Korea and hurricanes while Joseph Khan thinks it is okay to go around blaspheming Beyoncé? Hell the F no. So what exactly did
Benedict Arnold Joseph Kahn say? Well, I hesitate to even copy/paste it for fear that my keyboard will melt in protest, but here’s the full quote:
It’s not “Formation” at all. They say she’s wearing a black crop top and Beyoncé wore a black crop top. But they don’t realize in 2015 in “Bad Blood,” Taylor Swift was wearing a black crop top. I really do think, by the way, that Beyoncé copied “Bad Blood.”
And then, I assume, he was sucked back down into Hell where he belongs.
So first of all, the Taylor Swift/”Formation” comparison was mostly a joke used as a vehicle for some very funny tweets about Taylor being
unoriginal white AF. And for those who did take the comparisons seriously, it was never about a crop top. Honestly, the crop top is the least comparable part of this whole thing:
Joseph Kahn is clearly out here trying to start shit because nobody liked his dumb music video or the dumb song the music video is for, and while I get the impulse to throw shade on others to distract from your own fuck ups, keep Beyoncé’s name out ya mouth. I’m pretty sure that’s like, the 11th commandment.
Now, of course, Kahn is trying to backtrack saying that he was “just trolling” via Twitter, but we all know the truth. You came for the queen and you missed. Hard. Next thing you know he’ll be saying he was hacked or some other bullshit. Whatever Joseph. Why don’t you stick to making mediocre videos and leave the high art to Beyoncé?
Except for Blank Space. That video was good.
It’s 2017. We’re used to terrible shit happening in the world on a daily basis, whether it’s Alt-Right rallies or Corinne and DeMario almost ruining Paradise forever, it’s been a rough year. But maybe, just maybe, Taylor Swift’s new song is the biggest tragedy of all.
It’s called “Look What You Made Me Do,” and it’s her big return to music after the triumphant era of 1989. But instead of playing it safe with some more jams for 11-year-olds, Tay decided to up the ante and stir up some shit. The resulting song is quite catchy, but very mid-2000s. Basically, it sounds like what should be playing during a limo montage in an early episode of Gossip Girl. This would hundo p be on Blair Waldorf’s sex playlist. And the video looks like some bad Tim Burton fan fic. Sorry but somebody had to say it.
But we’re really more interested in the lyrical content here. After all, this was supposed to be the big diss track, the one where she got back at all her haters (Kim and Kanye) for all the shit they did to her. Remember, she’s a victim!!!
The song starts with her singing, “I don’t like your little games, don’t like your tilted stage,” which I immediately thought was a reference to Kanye’s floating stages during the Saint Pablo tour. Then again, I was going into this song expecting it to be a Kanye diss track, so either I’m a fucking lyrical genius or I’m really grasping at straws.
The whole opening is her saying “I don’t like you” repeatedly, which is definitely one of the harshest insults you can throw (if you’re 12). She also throws in some confusing bullshit about a perfect crime and laughing when you lie, because she’s the queen of rhyming. Seriously, Taylor’s on fire already.
The prechorus is when Taylor really finds her balls and starts swinging them around for everyone (Kim K) to see. “But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time.”—can you really count a full year as in the nick of time, though?—”I rose up from the dead I do it all the time. Got a list of names and yours is in red, underlined. I check it once, I check it twice.”
Wait a minute, what the fuck is going on here? What does the red underline mean? Is she going to kill Kim Kardashian? Why is she checking the list twice like some psychotic Santa Claus?? Taylor, we are CONFUSED!!!!
The chorus is where shit really hits the fan. Apparently the red underlining took a lot out of her, because the chorus literally just consists of her saying “ooh look what you made me do” over a pounding beat that sounds like it came with the trial version of GarageBand.
“THE WORLD MOVES ON ANOTHER DAY ANOTHER DRAMA.” Taylor is deep in her revenge feels, which is great for us because she has no idea how ridiculous she sounds. She sings some more about being “the actress starring in our bad dreams,” which she totally already is.
The most important part of the song, though, occurs at approximately 2:50, when she says “I’m sorry, the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh…cause she’s dead.”
WHAT??? Sorry, but “old Taylor” would absolutely put out this shitty diss track after an eye roll-inducing social media campaign, so we’re pretty sure she’s alive and well. Taylor is truly a messy bitch who lives for drama, and she’s gone too long without being the center of attention. If this first single is any indication of things to come, 2017 isn’t getting any better from here.