Watching your favorite TV shows is only made better by watching it with friends. And if you’re watching it with friends, the only improvement is to drink while you watch, especially because most of the TV I watch is so fucking stupid I could not possibly get through it sober. Instead of downing a bottle (or two) of wine while screaming at Becca for LETTING LINCOLN THE FLOOR SHITTER STAY on The Bachelorette, maximize your viewing party chicness by pairing your fav show with a cute on-theme cocktail. Also?? Have food. If I have to go wear pants, put on makeup, and hang out at someone’s house instead of my bed, I expect to be fed. GOD. You can thank me for these genius TV and cocktail pairings in the comments.
‘The Bachelorette’ + Will You Accept This Frosé?
If you haven’t had frosé yet, you’re not trendy enough to be my friend. Sorry. A frosé is a frozen rosé cocktail. It is my favorite summer drink, it’s not super high in calories, and it goes with the sad roses Becca tearfully passes out to racists and flat-Earthers. Plus, frosé is totally Instagrammable. All you need is rosé, sugar, strawberries, lemon juice, ice, and a blender. Your friends will be hammered, having a great time, and on theme.
‘Jersey Shore’ – The Long Island Dump
Celebrate the trash that is Jersey Shore: Family Vacation with an equally trashy drink, like a Long Island Iced Tea guaranteed to get you so drunk that you feel on par with the cast. Much like our favorite guidos, this drink is a mess of alcohol all poured into one fuck-you-up beverage. Also, aren’t some of them from Long Island? My sense of geography for that part of the country is v flawed. I don’t pay attention in one class freshmen year of high school because it was at 7:30am, and I somehow never take or learn geography again. Like, I didn’t know that would forever fuck up my ability to find shit for the rest of my life. Anyway, get your friends drunk enough to tolerate Angelina shitting her pants on TV with vodka, gin, white rum, Triple Sec, lemon juice, cola, and lemon wedges!
‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ – Gilead Water
Do people have viewing parties for The Handmaid’s Tale? Do you guys just like, cry into each other’s shoulders about the realization that this is going to be our reality in the near future? Well, if so, drink a cocktail the same color as our sad, black hearts watching it. This drink is actually called LA Water, because it’s the exact color of the LA river. Super sad and super gross, much like our impending doom! Make this dystopian cocktail with vodka, gin, rum, Triple Sec, Blue Caracao, raspberry liquer, and sweet and sour mix. Hopefully you’ll forget about the state of our country.
‘The Real Housewives Of Orange County’ – You Are Orange, Jesus Jugs
Coming back this July, my OC Real Housewives are back to ruin lives and accuse each other of faking cancer. Can’t wait! I just binged the entire series on Hulu, so I’m sure that will tell you everything about my current mental state. I’m actually from Orange County, and I can tell you, it’s exactly like that. Anyway, watch Vicki and Tamra mak eup and then call each other whores five minutes later with a fun, orange-themed drink like an Orange Blossom. But I gave it a cute name involving Jesus Jugs because that is the best insult of Housewives history. Fight me. Make this orange drink in honor of our fav orange-holding ladies with gin, vermouth, and orange juice.
‘Bachelor In Paradise’ – Consensual Sex On The Beach
Ok, this one doesn’t come out until August but I am so. Fucking. Excited. It’s the only reason I tolerate all the other Bachelor shitshows is to pregame for BIP so I know who everyone is. Which was an especially huge burden this year because we had that fucking disaster that was Winter Games. Hopefully this year everyone gives explicit consent before having oral sex on camera in front of an entire crew, because I will cut a bitch if production gets shut down again and we miss several weeks of iconic trash TV. Make a ~Consensual~ Sex on the Beach for this slut-fest with vodka, peach liqueur, orange juice, and cranberry juice, and pretend you’ve also instantly found true love with randos in Mexico.
In keeping with all things warm, sunny, tan, and refreshing, we need dranks! But when you’re sitting around trying to get as blackout as possible, not just any drink will do. Sure, we could knock back million calorie piña coladas or try to chug rosé (and like, we know we’ll fail) to try and beat the heat, but it just wouldn’t get the job done.
We all know that a true, straight long island iced tea will get you fucked up faster than you can say “more ice, bitch.” And it’s time you, as an adult, learned to make one on your own.
· ½ oz Triple Sec
· ½ oz white rum
· ½ oz gin (don’t use anything blue, homie)
· ½ oz vodka
· ½ oz white tequila (um so like, not Jose)
· 1 oz sour mix
· Cola (shit, you could even use diet if you want)
· Lemon wedges
Grab a cocktail shaker and fill it with ice. Mix together everything except the cola. Strain into a highball or Collins glass filled with ice and top that shit off with the cola. Garnish with a lemon and enjoy your trip, betch. Just make sure you have at least one person in your crew who didn’t drink one of these. They’ll be responsible for remember what happens later.
Hold on to your butts, because we know a good idea when we see one. For years, betches have been sticking frozen popsicles into their alcohol—or at the very least, drinking while eating some sort of frozen confection outside. We decided it was time to address this trend with our top fav combos so that you can stay hydrated, cool, and drunk come summer. The best part is that you don’t have to be good at mixing, recipe-ing, or cooking in general for any of these. Stick a popsicle in some booze and you’re good to fucking go.
1. Fudgsicle + Kahlua And Bailey’s
If you love a Mudslide and chocolate everything (and/or if you’re PMSing), try this combo. Grab a classic Fudgsicle or, if you’re health-conscious, try GoodPop’s Chocolate Milk pop (no added sugar, non GMO, blah blah) and literally stick it in a glass full of ice, Bailey’s, and Kahlua.
2. Lime Popsicle + Vodka Soda
Are you super hardcore? Make yourself your usual vodka soda and plop in a lemon or lime popsicle. The citrus will cut the harshness of the vodka and you’ll feel hella refreshed because we know you forgot to pick up actual limes when you were at the store.
3. Berry Popsicle + Rosé
This one is a fucking no-brainer. If you’re not in the mood for hard alcohol, grab some rosé and stick in a strawberry or berry flavored popsicle. It’s refreshing and you can act better than everyone else because, like, rosé.
4. Creamsicle + Champagne
We fucking love mimosas, so make one popsicle style. Pour a glass of Champagne and stick in an orange or creamsicle flavored pop. What a great way to start the day—nutritious (not really…) and delicious (definitely).
5. Pineapple Popsicle + Coconut Rum
We love a Piña Colada—reminds us of spring break (or at least it would if we hadn’t been blackout 90% of the time). Combine your fave coconut rum with a pineapple popsicle and you’ll feel like you’re sitting on your own island.
6. Melon Popsicle + Riesling
If you live near a Kroger, grab a box of melon pops and stick one in your glass of Riesling wine. The melon plays off the sweetness and results in a super refreshing poolside drink. Noms.
7. Lime Popsicle + Ginger Beer
Love a Moscow mule? Grab a ginger beer, throw in some vodka like, if you want, and stick in a lime popsicle. This relationship with Russia is A-OK in our book (too soon?).
8. Blueberry Popsicle + Ginger Beer
Sounds weird and is not. We’ve already established that drinking gin may make you a psycho, but seemingly less scary would be adding a fun and fruity blueberry popsicle to your drink. Try Outshine Blueberry Medley which is stupidly easy to find in the freezer section. Shit, you could even use Bombay Sapphire for blue drank that’ll make you feel like a rapper. SIPPIN’ ON GIN AND JUICE.
9. Lemon Popsicle + Long Island Iced Tea
If you’re looking to a) get really fucked up and b) possibly ruin tomorrow with a hangover, it’s gotta be a Long Island Iced Tea! Cut the alcohol with a bracing lemon popsicle. You’ll feel like a kid again, except significantly drunker.
10. Lime Popsicle + Margarita
Unsurprisingly, any citrus works for this shit. Make your margarita, salt on the rim and all, then stick in a lemon or lime pop. Shit, you could even skip the margarita mix, throw some tequila over the rocks and add in your pop. The world is your oyster.