Dating is a massive part of the college experience, but all cards come off the table and excuses start flying when long distance is mentioned. The key to long-distance dating is as simple as this: if they wanted to, they would, and when you want something to work, you’ll make it work. Mary Mary said, “nobody told them the road WOULD be easy”. I’ve been in a relationship for nearly four years, and two of those years have been long-distance. I’m here to tell you the road won’t be easy. However, the road can be enjoyable and spontaneous—if you do long-distance right. When you think about it, being in a distant relationship is just like being in any regular relationship but with the perks of having space. And if I’m being honest, your partner can cheat whether they are three or 300 miles away, so that excuse is dead.
Most long-distance relationships, in general, suffer from communication issues. We’re going to skip the “communication is essential” lecture; everyone knows that much, and we’ve heard it all before. You and your partner should discuss your boundaries and your likes and dislikes. In my first semester of college, my partner and I suffered from establishing our boundaries with friends of the opposite sex, which caused a lot of unnecessary disagreements. When we finally established our comfort level and boundaries with opposite-sex friends, the issue never arose again. It really is that simple. Whatever your boundary may be, it needs to be communicated with your partner. After all, ladies, men are not mind readers. And not to burst any bubbles, men, you all are horrible communicators through the phone and in real life.
Along with communication comes syncing schedules. Communicating is not only about expressing feelings and solving problems; communication is also simply speaking. If you want your relationship to work, you have to make time for your partner, especially when you aren’t granted the luxury of physically being with them. I mapped out my whole schedule for my partner. He knew exactly where I would be and at what times, and it helped get our schedules in sync. Whenever we both had free time, we would FaceTime, catch up, have dates, etc. Sharing your schedule with your partner also gives them peace of mind because they know what you are doing.
I mentioned that my boyfriend and I would go on dates; creativity adds spice to your relationship. There’s a computer app called Teleparty that we use to have movie dates. It allows you to watch Netflix movies with your partner and use the chat box to chat. When one person pauses the show, the other’s gets paused as well. We pop popcorn and have a grand ole time. Order the same food, get dressed up, and have a dinner date via FaceTime to take things even further. Doing these things is absolutely obnoxious, but that’s what keeps your relationship fun and spontaneous.
Although you may not see your partner every day, make use of your holiday breaks. If possible, take turns traveling to see one another over these breaks. When you visit, be sure to spend a significant amount of quality time with one another to make up for the time lost. As someone whose love language is physical touch, I appreciate and enjoy every second I get to spend spooning, cuddling, and… read between the lines. Distance increases anticipation and appreciation; every moment spent with your partner feels like falling in love all over again.
I know, I dropped some gems, but ask yourself, doesn’t everything I just mentioned apply to regular relationships as well? There you go, there’s your answer. The same rules that apply to a long-distance relationship apply to a regular one; therefore, long-distance being hard is a myth.
Images: Natasha Hall / Unsplash; Giphy (2)
Head Pro would love to be your friend, and would never ask you to go to New Jersey. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta @betchesheadpro.
Dear Head Pro,
I moved away from my hometown almost four years ago to a new city. I haven’t been able to make any friends here. At first, I thought the best place to meet girlfriends was at the bar, and that never really led to anything. I have (half—assed) tried to make friends in college and at work but nothing really lasts. I think its a combination of shyness and a feeling like I haven’t found anyone that I really connect with. Any advice on where to go to make girlfriends and also how to make the friendships blossom?
God, making friends as a post-grad adult is the worst fucking thing. It’s at LEAST as hard as dating, because it’s basically the same thing only without the motivation of having someone maybe touch your no-no zones. You’re not gonna wanna hear this, but unfortunately you’re going to have to put in work to find some decent friends, and even then they’ll only be a poor facsimile of the handful of actual, close friends you’ve made in life. People think that it’s the big memories and OMG moments that make a friendship, and that’s true to an extent. But I don’t think anyone realizes that its as much (or more) about the thousands of hours you spent with them doing absolutely nothing. That’s when you’re really intimate with someone—when you can sit, silently watching TV and the sound of their voice doesn’t immediately make you want to kill them.
The standard advice here is to join some kind of dipshit adult rec sports league (softball, kickball, fucking bocce ball, etc.), and that’s because it works—coalescing around one single, uncomplicated thing exposes you to all sorts of people, some of whom you might get along with. You don’t have to be athletic to do any of these things, because very few people are actually there for the LOVE OF THE GAME (note: I am one of these people. I’ll slide into you spikes up, don’t even test me). Most people are just there to get drunk and enjoy the weather, and just like you they probably want to branch out at least a little bit.
Other than that, you’re going to have to get extremely online with it. That sounds nerdy as fuck, but then again you’re already writing into an anonymous internet person to ask about something 5-year-olds do with ease. MeetUp.com is lame, yes, but they seem like they do a phenomenal job of organizing events and activities that appeal to every interest under the sun. You’re shy and that’s not helpful, but the thing you have going for you is that literally everyone else is in the same boat—they’re all there explicitly to meet someone, and if they were gregarious social butterflies, they wouldn’t need a website to help them, would they? In the same vein, you can sign up for classes and activities via Groupon, LivingSocial, et al. if you want a more casual vibe.
As for making a friendship blossom, I assumed women did that by having a steamy, pseudo-sexual (no penetration) encounter after a night of too much wine and complaining about boys. My understanding of female friendships is not the sharpest.
Dear Head Pro,
I met this guy on Hinge and we get along really well—we text a lot throughout the day and in person we crack each other up. And he’s extremely hot. And has told me that he really likes me (the feeling is/was mutual).
Here’s my problem: he lives in Jersey (why do I do this to myself?) and so far I’ve only seen him once a week for the past like, month or so. Honestly, I’m at a point where I either want things to ramp up or I’m over it. I’m just tired of all the texting back-and-forth and putting mental energy into playing that game when I don’t see him all that much, and when I do our conversations are a little surface level, even if the rapport is good, and I have no idea what he wants out of this. So my questions are:
1. WTF do I do? I recognize that it’s pretty fucking insane to be like “what are we/where do you see this going” after a little over a month of hanging out because I don’t live in an episode of The Bachelor. And I don’t really want to take that route unless that’s objectively the move.
2. Should I just nope out now? I’m suspecting/worried he’s kinda giving me the fade… his texts are getting further apart although he does respond to each one. Then again it was just the holidays and we’re all back at work and shit so there’s a chance I’m being insane. I’m a pretty passive(-aggressive) person and will usually err on the side of inaction to prove a point whenever I start to question things… should I just assume he’s over it too and ghost accordingly?
I feel like there are two types of women in the world: ones who are completely batshit but think they’re normal, and those who second-guess themselves into thinking they’re batshit. You’re the latter, which is I guess better than the former (though I imagine trying to pick a restaurant with you is its own fresh hell). But I feel this. Most of the time people write in with apocalyptic dating disasters, but this is more realistic—how do you handle a thing that’s for the most part pretty good, but like not as good as you’d like it to be? Most people are naturally risk-averse, and prefer to have that sure thing in-hand before letting go of even a shitty thing, to say nothing of a decent thing. If I’m on a road trip, I’m not gonna pass-up a McDonald’s because I think there MIGHT be a Chick-Fil-A further down the road. You’d probably be like “that’s ok with me I guess, I don’t mind either way, whatever we do is fine,” and I’d kick you out of the car at highway speeds.
Anyway, these are not two separate options; they’re a natural progression. If things are stagnating and you’re considering breaking things off, what do you have to lose by asking where it’s going? We’re in that shitty post-holiday slump where everyone’s catching up on work, so there’s always a chance he could be otherwise engaged. I know SOP here (and everywhere, really) is to let the man take the lead on furthering the relationship, but I don’t see how that benefits you in this instance. It’s not a crazy thing to ask about after a month! People have been proposed to in far less time, and I should know because that’s how I close out every 3rd date I go on (this does not work well for me).
The worst he says is some version of “I dunno, I’m not really looking for anything serious.” In that case, you say “I respect that, but I kind of am so I think it’s best we bring whatever this is to an end.” That’s it! And in the (less likely, tbh) event that he reaffirms how much he likes you and enjoys your company, you would then express your concerns and see if you can’t come up with a solution (matching with girls in NY when you live in Jersey should earn you a spot on the sex offender registry). I know it sounds crazy, but putting, like, actual work and effort into a relationship is a thing I promise you people have done and continue to do to great effect.
Head Pro would love to be your friend, and would never ask you to go to New Jersey. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta @betchesheadpro.
The Betches discuss the Charlottesville rallies, the Taylor Swift sexual assault case, and Leonardo DiCaprio’s proclivity towards young models. They answer letters from listeners struggling with long distance relationships and a bride who wants to minimize drama at her wedding. They play Would You Rather’s regarding adoption and Shoot Fuck Marry about the Kardashians and Mean Girls.
For the most part, technology is a good thing. I for real don’t know WTF I’d do without DVR or my iPhone. But sometimes the tech world takes shit too far and it gets weird AF. For example, this sex toy company We-Vibe just created an app so someone can control your vibrator remotely. Is it just me or is that the creepiest fucking thing since we found out our almost-president “allegedly” likes getting peed on? Oh wait… That was only yesterday. But still.
So apparently they created this for long distance couples so they can have a more intimate connection when they’re apart than they would during phone sex. The app has video chat and texting so you can communicate during the act so that makes it a little less weird. TBH, I’ve never been in a long distance relationship so I’m not trying to judge, but like, is this really necessary? Also, I feel like I would rather control my vibrator than some dude I only get to have sex with every other month. He doesn’t know WTF I want better than me, thank you very much.
In even creepier news, the company’s global passion ambassador (lol what?) has said people love using it for in-person dates too, so they can get off during dinner or at the movies. Seriously? You’re telling me people around the world are chilling at fucking Olive Garden with a vibrator in their pants? Jesus Christ, that’s not okay. But hey, just keep living your truth. I guess.
