How To Tell Your Judgy Parents About Your Secret Boyfriend: Ask A Pro

Dear Head Pro,

So here’s the thing. I met this guy when I was in new york last summer. And I had the biggest crush on him immediately. We had mutual friends and we kinda get together one night on the beach. And we were drinking and talking but then everybody just pared up as couples and me and him were alone. we were really getting along, talking and finding the same interests. A few hours and a lot more drinks later we had sex on the beach. And let me just tell you it was AMAZING. After that we went back to his place and fell asleep together.

Following days we texted and got together but we always meet as group then kinda sneak out and be alone but never had an actual date. It was kinda like loose summer hook up/romance. So after we got back home we occasionally text and let us know what’s going on in each others lifes. And always saying that we should meet up but never do. We kinda live like 2 hours away from each other.

So my question is how the fuck am I gonna see him again? Cuz I kinda giving him the vibe like I don’t care that much about him and it was just fun nothing more. But I do and also don’t wanna let him know that I do. Because if I tell him how I feel about him, I feel like he is not gonna be into it. We did make it kinda like a chase like who is gonna admit it first kinda thing and honestly don’t have a clue how that happened. So I have to make him say that he likes me first but don’t know how to do it :/

Not to be rude, but: YAWN. You only hung out/hooked up a handful of times, haven’t seen each other in nearly a year, only talk occasionally via text, live two hours apart and you’re STILL somehow carrying a torch for this guy? I’m sorry, but that’s delusional as hell. Either that, or he has a magical alien space dick and deserves to be under lock and key at a government black site. The two are not mutually exclusive, actually.

You don’t have any good options here, but since playing Monday morning quarterback is kind of the whole point of this column, I would hope that you learned a valuable lesson: playing coy/hard to get doesn’t work very well (read: at all) when your relationship is almost entirely text-based.

See, playing hard to get and generally not acting overly interested is a good thing—in person. Texting is great for keeping things chugging along and making plans, but actual in-person meetings (whether it’s dates or whatever it is the two of you were doing) is where you assert yourself and make it clear that he has to prove himself worthy of your company. What you DON’T want to do is try to play it all cool via text and then wind up giving him the old “is she drunk or just really into me?” eyes before slobbing his knob. Because then he either a) knows you’re full of shit and have weak-ass game, b) thinks you’re really not into him but appreciate the easy D, or c) are crazy as hell. Shit, if anything you want to flirt MORE via text than you do in real life. That’s how you fuck with a man’s head the right way, dammit.

As far as your situation, the best you can do is try to drum up more conversation more often and see if he opens up. He won’t (on account of you treating the whole thing like a summer fling, which is what it was), but you have nothing to lose given that you’ll probably never see him again otherwise.

Actual sex on the beach is a lot like the drink in that only teenagers think it’s a fun and cool idea.

Sandy Kisses,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

The subject line is pretty clear I have a secret boyfriend of 2+ years my parents don’t know about and I need major advice on how to tell them.

So when I was a junior in high school I became good friends with this guy and mentioned maybe going to Prom with him when my mom and I were dress shopping. Her response was “you don’t want to go to Prom with him.” So she pretty much shot that down and when he asked me over text I said no. He was a senior when I was a junior and he was supposed to move to California after graduation so I didn’t want to start anything anyway. That summer we went on a school trip to Europe together and got even closer. When we got back, I asked to go to the city park with him and my mom freaked out like I had asked to marry me the guy. She said that he wanted to be firefighter and that they didn’t make enough money. Later that summer, I saw him anyway and didn’t tell her. He was respectful of me, funny, interesting, thought I was a beautiful and in love with me. By the end of the summer I was in love with him too. I didn’t think that it would last long, my only previous relationship had lasted only two months. Or I thought that I would get caught and the work would be done for me.

I continued to see him my whole senior year and she never found out. He came to my graduation party and I introduced them but then my mom just made snide comments behind his back. She is a bitchy hypocritical judgmental bitch. She is a crazy bitch who is always yelling at my family members (me, my dad, and my sister) about stuff and constantly bitching. She only wants whatever she wants and hardly cares about anyone else (even though she says she does). She’s basically impossible and I’m not exaggerating because she has caused my sister emotional harm. Another reason I didn’t want to tell my parents was I knew my mom would say that I didn’t know what love was or that I was too young and basically invalidate my feelings.

I later found out my mom had a huge fight with his mother (idk what it was over) and I think that is a large part of why she hates him. She also hated the fact he wore camo pants and drove a loud car, but we were in high school in West Virginia.

Fast forward two years and I am 19 and a sophomore at WVU and they still don’t know. I said I’d tell them when I got to college but I was living in a dorm. I was also afraid that they would quit funding my education if I told them. He lives forty minutes away so he came to see me quite frequently. Now I am a sophomore and have my own apartment and a car on campus so we still see each other regularly.

My boyfriend has his life mostly together because he got a full time job as a firefighter, just bought a new car, and is moving into his own apartment next month. I also know him not going to college will be an issue with my parents.

He asked me to go meet his family in Georgia with him this summer and I really want to go on this trip but I know I can’t unless I tell my parents. My friends and sister have always known. And my dad would be happy for me but I am afraid of what my mom will do if I tell her. My original plan was to tell her that it was new college thing. However, I don’t think that would go over well I’m afraid she’d remember I talked to him in high school. I love him and I don’t wanna lose him. I know I have to tell them sometime but I am literally so afraid to. The fact that he is with me after all this proves how much he loves me, but i need all the help I can get to tell my parents. Please Help!

Will Smith was right, parents just don’t understand. And the great thing about becoming adult is that, not only do you realize they don’t understand sometimes, but also that your parents are perfectly capable of being complete morons. Just like us! I mean really, if your mom had wanted you to wind up with an ascot-wearing petroleum baron, maybe she should have started by not sending her daughter to public school in West fucking Virginia? Just a thought.

I think you’re right that this is motivated more by her own selfish desires than it is wanting what’s best for you. I mean, most parents in their position would be thrilled for their daughter to date a guy with all of his teeth, let alone a steady job. Has she ever actually been to Morgantown to see what your other options are? Why, I bet the tin and a half of Skoal your boyfriend goes through in a week is positively quaint in comparison. Besides, what’s her issue with his career? Firefighting is dangerous as shit, so if she’s a betting woman you’d think she’d like the long odds.

Unfortunately there’s no real secret sauce or magic bullet here—you’re probably right that you’re going to have to tell her at some point, more or less directly. It just isn’t worth the hassle, even if a small part of me is quietly thinking that it’s also not worth the hassle spending your college years tied down to the same underachiever you’ve known since high school (spoiler alert: lot’s and lots of guys will willingly tell you you’re beautiful and that they love you!). But that’s not really fair, so: telling her is the way to go.

Does your dad know? I’d go through him first, if not. More support is better than less, even if your dad sounds like a pushover who doesn’t try to put a stop to your mom’s asshole-ish behavior. What he can do, however, is help brainstorm ways to make this more palatable to her. I’d do it sooner than later and frame it as you telling her out of reverence: “Mom, I love you and respect our relationship, so I thought it was important that you know I’ve been seeing Cletus for the past several months. He’s way more mature than I remember him from high school.”

Yeah, that’s right. I said “several months.” Fuck it, lie a little to the woman. It’s not like it’s any worse than the bullshit she’s been holding over your head the past four years.

Inbred Kisses,

Head Pro

WTF Is Going On In Iran Rn And Why You Should Care

While we were all blacking out on champagne and making out with the nearest thing with lips and a pulse this NYE weekend, some major shit has been going down over in Iran. Protests have been building for five days with no signs of slowing down, and everyone and their mother is talking and tweeting about them, so it’s time to pay attention. Was your New Year’s resolution to start giving a shit about the world? Or just to get a little more #cultured so you can impress the hot International Relations major you met at Soul Cycle last week? Great, let’s begin.

WTF Are The Protests About?

The largest protests in Iran since 2009 broke out a few days ago when a large majority of the Iranian public decided they were fed up with their corrupt AF government. One major driving factor behind these protests is the poor distribution of, as Lil’ Wayne would say, moolah baby. Many people in Iran are scraping together pennies to pay rent and put gas in their cars, while government officials including the president, Hassan Rouhani, and Supreme Ruler, Ali Khamenei, are decidedly super not poor. What kind of assholery is calling yourself “Supreme Ruler” of anything? (Looking at you too, Kimmy J Un). If you want people to hate you less, maybe don’t rub your insane wealth and power in their face while they struggle to afford basic necessities. Just a thought.

The people are PTFO that more economic growth has not been seen after sanctions were lifted under the Iran Nuclear Deal passed by Obama in 2015. Many Iranians think that the government should be spending more money taking care of its citizens and communities, instead of using it to intervene in Syria and Lebanon. The unemployment rate in Iran is also at 12.4%, with a large majority of the unemployed being recent university graduates, so a sizable chunk of the protesters fall into the “angry Millennials with no job” category. Join the fucking club, guys. If I knew I could have protested the 4 unpaid internships I had to endure post-grad, you bet your ass I would never have commuted an hour every day just to bring coffee to bosses who didn’t remember my name and didn’t hire me after months of kissing ass for “networking opportunities and job skills.”

How Bad Is It?

While the protests originally began peacefully, shit is escalating quickly. Some of the gatherings have gotten really violent, with at least a dozen dead and tons more injured. Police are even divided, with some getting v aggressive and resorting to weapons use to break up demonstrations, and others actually abandoning their duties and joining forces with the protesters. *cue Wildcats*

The Iranian government is naturally PO’ed that people are taking to the streets to talk shit about them, and have committed the most heinous sin of all: blocking social media. A lot of the organization efforts for the protests are being discussed and coordinated over social media platforms like Instagram and Telegram (a messaging app). Telegram’s CEO already shut down pages that explicitly mentioned use of force or violence, but it was reported on Monday that many Iranians experienced a massive internet outage and were blocked from accessing these apps at all. That’s censorship, and it’s some government power-abuse bullshit. They may take our lives, but they’ll NEVER. TAKE. OUR. INSTA STORIES.

What Are People Saying?

President Rouhani made a statement defending the people’s right to peacefully protest, but saying that the protests should not make anyone fear for their own safety. Meanwhile, Iran’s Ministry of Information is cracking down on arrests and threatening that any protesters participating in illegal activity will be “seriously dealt with.” Over in our neck of the woods, personalities from all political parties and differing opinions are shockingly on the same side for once. Politicians like Hillary, Bernie, Pence, Mitt Romney, John McCain and more are all tweeting words of support for the Iranian people trying to take back their freedom and promote democracy and a better future under an unfair government.

And thennnnn there’s Trump. You didn’t think he would let a major international event occur without his unwelcome and idiotic commentary, did you? The Donald surprisingly tweeted his support for the citizens protesting in Iran, but not without taking a dig at Obama and his “failed” deal in the process. Just when you thought this could have been a moment of rare sense and understanding leaking out of his soupy brain, Rouhani clapped back that Trump has no right to offer any support when he “has forgotten that he had called the Iranian people ‘terrorists’ a few months ago.” Lesson learned – Rouhani will hang onto those receipts and drag your hypocritical ass, because even when you’re trying to do something noble, you inevitably fuck it up for everyone.

Iran to Trump:

Here’s hoping that that the protests get the job done and make the government wake up to the demands of the Iranian people with as little violent collateral as possible. Maybe 2018 will be the year of governments working together with their citizens to reach common goals and peace and unity. Or maybe pigs will fly and I’ll lose 10 pounds and win a million dollars on a scratch-off lotto ticket. Dream big.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

How To Handle Running Into Your Ex: Ask A Pro

2018 got here not a moment too soon. Email Head Pro at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Dear Head Pro,

So my (now ex) boyfriend and I were good friends for two and a half years, and we starting dating nine months ago. Our relationship wasn’t perfect by any means and we definitely had our problems, but it was (I thought) an overall positive and healthy relationship, and he was someone I really saw a future with. I spent thanksgiving with his family a month ago and we were planning on moving in together after we graduate in May, and up until three days ago he was telling me how much he loved me and how he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life with me. Intense, I know, but I really loved him and was ready to take that step with him, and he made it abundantly clear that he saw a future with me too, and was even the one to originally suggest us moving in together.

We live on opposite coasts when we’re not in school (mind you, I’ve flown to California to see him twice), and he was supposed to fly to New York to spend New Year’s with me, and subsequently meet my mom. Yesterday he said he needed to talk to me, and I figured he just wanted some moral support (given that he’s been with his family 24/7 and had a strained relationship with them, and he’s trying to quit nicotine and has had really shitty withdrawals). Instead, he just told me that he didn’t think we were compatible and that he didn’t see us working long term, and that he’d been talking to his friends and family at home and decided he wanted to break up. He did this over the phone, TWO DAYS before I’m supposed to see him.

I point blank told him that I thought he was acting really rashly, but that the damage he was doing was permanent and that there would be no chance of us reconciling or being friends after this.

I already arranged for a friend to get my things from his place, and I have his number and social media blocked. I gave myself yesterday to just cry and drink wine, and I’m currently sitting in a chair at a salon getting some sorely missed highlights. I’m mostly angry and upset right now, but tbh a part of me is relieved. He’s pretty conservative and I’m kind of a free spirit, and I found that I censored myself a good bit during our relationship, and stopped doing things that used to make me feel good (like getting highlights, manicures, and spending my Friday nights at happy hour instead of home watching movies). How I’m feeling sucks right now, but I know this breakup is just an opportunity for me to get back to my old self and stop being such a fucking nicegirl.

The problem is that he lives two blocks away from me at school and our social lives are extremely intertwined. We go to all of the same bars and events, and my best friend from home (who happens to go to college with me) is also one of his best friends. It’s only a matter of time before I run into him, and I’m absolutely dreading it. Thankfully we graduate in May, and after that I’ll never have to see him again, but I still need to get through this next semester.

I’ve been a loyal Betches reader since 2015, so I already know the advice you’re going to give me is that the fewer fucks I give (or appear to give), the better. I just don’t know to convincingly act like I don’t give a fuck while I’m this angry and hurt.

Any advice?

Sheesh. Well, happy fucking New Year to you, I guess. I have a feeling Thanksgiving probably didn’t go too well, or at least not as well as you thought it did. Probably his family didn’t like you for whatever reason. That matters, no matter how “strained” his relationship with them is. You probably dodged a bullet, tbh. He sounds like a guy who has a VERY specific idea of what a girlfriend (and by extension, a spouse) should be, given that he tisk-tisked you for little shit like getting your nails done. I can’t think of another explanation for the shitty about-face. Guys who do their dumping over the phone deserve to have our fat asshole president’s Twitter feed beamed into their eyeballs 24/7.

The first thing to understand about the upcoming semester is that you’re probably gonna end up humping again once or twice. When the senior scaries set in, it’s too easy to fall back into comfortable old habits. You might even consider getting back together, so be prepared for that. But to your point, yes, you should give the fewest fucks possible. But instead of worrying about how to do that, recognize that most people completely fuck up the art of not giving a fuck. They go out of their way to flaunt their not-giving-a-fuck-ness in front of their exes, and there are perpetually-29-year-old “actresses” in L.A. that come off as less desperate. Instead, you have to ACTUALLY not give a fuck. It sounds hard, I know, but it doesn’t have to be. The hardest part will be continually reminding yourself to make plans as though he doesn’t exist; to go out and have fun for you, rather than him seeing you having fun.

You gotta practice some self care (am I using that right?), so like maybe avoid him when doing so isn’t super inconvenient. But with any luck, he’ll feel like the asshole in this situation (because he is!), and thus will be the one making an ass of himself trying to act all cool and aloof. If you see him, just be a normal person—you won’t fool anyone by trying to pretend that what happened didn’t. Otherwise, just fill your time by spending your final semester having fun with all the other people you care about. It goes by faster than you think.

Hey Head Pro,

I’ve been hooking up with one of my brother’s best friends (without him knowing), we’ve been in my house a few times, we’ve been texting for like 4 months… and we have already talked about it we are just hooking up, we are seeing other people (he is not the girlfriend type of guy). But last week we’ve got into an argument and he started to give me so many explanations (that he didn’t need to give and I didn’t ask for) and saying that for him this is not just a random hook up, and for me it wasn’t just a random hook up either but I didn’t say it.

Well, today I was talking with my brother just to find out that he had sex last night IN MY HOUSE, WHERE HE HAS BEEN WITH ME with a random girl. I know this means that I shouldn’t waste my time with a guy like him, I’m not really asking for advice for a future relationship, I’m just looking for advice for a great revenge.

I think you know what you have to do: Infiltrate his house, and proceed to fuck his dad. I see no flaw in this plan.

2018 got here not a moment too soon. Email Head Pro at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Images: Xavier Sotomayor / Unsplash; Giphy

All The Drama Going On In Zimbabwe Explained In A Non-Boring Way

Prepare to be shocked and astounded. There is some totally crazy, international political shit going down right now and for the first time in what seems like years, it has nothing to do with the bull in an international relations china shop that is Donald Trump. Instead, we need to briefly shift our focus over to Zimbabwe because their government is getting flipped turned upside down and honestly, maybe we could pick up some pointers on how to overthrow a shitty President. 

WTF Is Going On?

While everyone was sleeping Wednesday morning, an army spokesperson announced on Zimbabwean TV that the military would be conducting an operation to target “criminals” linked to Zimbabwe’s current President Robert Mugabe, who they blame for causing social and economic suffering. Mugabe is currently on house arrest, but less like the bougie Martha Stewart kind, and more like the might-get-wrecked-by-an-army-that-hates-him-if-he-leaves-his-home kind. There are signs of heavy military presence and armored vehicles around the capital, and lines of concerned citizens have been piling up at local banks. The army is vehemently denying that this is a military takeover of government, but if it walks like a coup and quacks like a coup…it’s probably a coup.

Actual footage of Mugabe right now:

But Why Tho?

There are a whole bunch of factors that have been contributing to the military’s fierce opposition of Mugabe over the years, but the basic gist is that the dude is as selfish as he is old. At 93, Mugabe is the world’s oldest living leader, and has been leading the country since it gained independence in 1980. Has this man never heard of retirement? Literally the second I reach an age where retirement is deemed socially acceptable, my old ass is buying a condo next to a beach and taking long naps every day. A few years ago, Mugabe read the complete wrong speech in an embarrassing mix-up, leading many to believe his age was starting to become an obstacle for his leadership (duh). My grandpa is ten years younger than him, and I still need to scream at full volume when he’s sitting right next to me, and even then there’s a 50/50 chance he’s going to catch anything I’m saying.

Not only is Mugabe practically eligible to be an artifact in the Museum of Natural History, but he’s also massively selfish, inconsiderate, and sometimes violent. He is notoriously willing to resort to violence to retain power, and once rejected foreign aid that would have been offered on the condition that he accepts gay marriage in Zimbabwe. So you’d rather watch your people starve to death than see two dudes kiss? Somewhere, Mike Pence is drawing up plans for his Zimbabwean summer home.

For his Super Sweet 92nd birthday party, Mugabe threw a lavish celebration featuring parades, concerts, and parties in his honor, which altogether cost a whopping $800,000. At first glance, I’m all about it. With that kind of money at my disposal, you’d better believe my next birthday would include a vodka fountain and a performance from Beyoncé ft. Blue Ivy and the twins. However, it becomes a lot less cool when you realize that just a few weeks before this celebration, Mugabe himself declared a state of disaster in areas affected by drought and poverty. Instead of using those hundreds of thousands to fund relief and supply food and water to his people, this grade-A ass wipe spent it all on a party where you just know he only invited the popular kids.

As if that wasn’t enough to make the people defriend him, just last week, Mugabe fired his own Vice President, Emmerson Mnangagwa, who was widely respected by the military. The firing of his longstanding and loyal VP raised some eyebrows that Mugabe was being shady af and clearing the way so that his wife could succeed him instead. Naturally, Grace Mugabe (52, dang Robert, get it) is apparently just the worst.

First of all, Grace is Mugabe’s second wife, who began an affair with him while his first wife was dying of kidney failure. That is some of the most savagely awful shit I’ve ever heard. I hope the producers of Real Housewives of Zimbabwe are writing her tagline as we speak. The people of Zimbabwe have given her nicknames such as “Gucci Grace” and “DisGrace” (lol clever) thanks to her extravagant shopping trips and habit for spending tons of money on herself as, I’ll repeat again, everyone else in her country is poor and hungry. Now, if someone wants to give me a cool nickname like Balmain Betch, I’m not going to say no. But then that also means I need a rich, powerful husband who can help finance these kinds of shopping trips.  *sets Hinge radius to Wall St*

Why Is This Important?

A coup is a BFD when it comes to the changeover of political power. The military is insisting that they intend to have a bloodless handover of power and resignation from Mugabe, and then they’ll be on their merry way. However, Mugabe is a stubborn betch and refuses to give up his seat for anyone, until the next election rolls around and it’s put to a vote. Right now, things are shockingly calm and quiet for a military takeover, and the army is promising to keep Mugabe’s family safe in their home prison that’s probably filled with expensive things and TVs to keep them occupied. Actually, house arrest doesn’t sound half bad tbh.

Even though military forces are still denying this is a coup about as hard as your fuckboy boyfriend claiming he’s ‘just friends’ with the Instagram model he’s been DMing, things will probably not stay so peaceful for long. Friday, a poster began circulating calling for citizens tor rally on Saturday to “remove Mugabe from power,” stating “We can’t have a 93-year-old person ruling more than 15 million people.” I mean, tru. Savage, but tru.  If Mugabe doesn’t resign peacefully, we’re likely about to see some real juicy action take place. Ok Zimbabwe, now let’s get in formation.

Update (11/20/17):  After failing to comply with a military deadline requestin the president step down (lol as if), Zimbabwe’s ruling party has summoned its represetnatives to discuss impeaching Robert Mugabe. The mlitary had previously given Mugabe until Monday to step down, but he came out on TV Sunday and was like “lol nah fuck that,” so Zimbabwe remains in presidential limbo. We’ll update more as more information arises, but TBH I have a feeling this isn’t going to end well for Mugabe or Grace. I guess I just have a fifth sense about it. 

Update (11/22/17): In a letter to parliament on Wednesday, Robert Mugabe announced that he will resign the presidency and allow a smooth and peaceful transfer of power. He also claimed the decision was “voluntary,” which I believe about as much as I believe in “mutual” brekaups. Emmerson Mnangagwa, who fled to South Africa two weeks ago, has returned to Zimbabwe and is expected to be sworn in as the newpresident on Friday. TBH this whole, coup-to-maybe-impeachment-to-resignation thing seemed pretty chill. Maybe we could get something like that going here? 

FBI – Don’t @ me. 

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Why Long Distance Relationships Are A Complete Waste Of Time

Head Pro will pretend to date you long distance, if you want. He won’t text or call and will sleep with other people, but it’s the sentiment that counts. Send your questions about relationships (or anything, really) to [email protected], and follow him on twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Dear Head Pro,

I met this guy about 4 years ago in college and we made out a few times then I faded it out slowly because I was on and off with my ex.  A few weeks later, he’s dating this girl I kind of know.  Fast forward 4 years and they broke up.  The thing is, I live in Chicago and he lives in LA.  I visit LA a lot for work and we have a lot of mutual friends who live there.

We met up (through him making the effort) a few months ago and spent basically the whole time I was there together (4 days).  I slept over every night, he was incredibly sweet and bought my friends all drinks the entire time, and he wanted to get dinner but I was busy each day because of work.  He kept saying how much he liked me, but when I left there was virtually no communication besides a random Snapchat here or there.  I went back for another work trip recently (a few months later) but was able to stay through the weekend this time.  We hung out again the whole time and he did take me to dinner once.  He continued to say how much he liked me and a few times was like “we should go to this place sometime” and make those sort of in the future plans.  He continued to want to know details about my life and seem super interested.

After I left all communication ceased again and he didn’t make any effort to even ask when I’d be back for work. Was the whole liking me thing mostly bullshit and he was just looking for a fun weekend if it was convenient?  I’m assuming yes but thought I’d get a second opinion so I can stop thinking about it for good.


So, fortunately (or unfortunately?) for you, this doesn’t sound to me like a smash-n-dash job—he’s putting in too much effort and seems to be having too good a time for it to be that. Frustratingly enough, I think instead you’re dealing with a guy who genuinely likes you, but who also understands the dead-end nature of LDRs. He’s enjoying life as it comes but not bothering to get too invested outside of that. Many people are saying that this man is very smart!

Is this good or bad? Depends on how you look at it. On the one hand, being liked is a nice thing! It’s like, at least twice as good as being unliked, not that I would know because literally no one has ever disliked me. It’s also maybe comforting, in a way, to know that you’re probably more to him than just a sausage wallet.

Then again, if you’re super into him and were only pretending to want him to be over it so that you could dismiss him and move on, sorry? Unrequited love is kind of shitty, but not any shittier than willfully living in Chicago, so I think you can handle it.


Head Pro,

I need help. (Obviously). My boyfriend and I have been dating over two years. We lived together for a few months early on in the relationship, which didn’t end well. I ended up cheating and wanted to break things off.. which I proceeded to do, and I moved out of our house. After a few months we got back together and he never wanted to give up on our relationship.. during the break I did hang out with other guys, and I think if he knew this it would crush him.. I can’t decide if I was just bored because he travels so much or if he really just isn’t the one for me OR maybe I have commitment issues. He talks about marriage a lot (as he is 5 years older). He is even willing to follow me if I plant roots somewhere else. I know the that popping the question is hiding around some corner that I will cross paths with very soon. HELP.

Am I the boy in the relationship? HAHA

HAHA boys, we be cheatin’ amirite?!? There’s a lot to unpack in this (mercifully short) email, but I think the important thing is that your boyfriend is a giant choad and I’m not really surprised you cheated on him. I’m also not surprised that despite cheating on him, moving out, dumping him and fucking around for a few months, he still came crawling back to you. I just made homemade chicken stock, and the poor dead bird had more of a spine than your perpetually self-owning boyfriend. The fact that he’s 5 years older than you shouldn’t matter, but it definitely feels like it does. You must be able to do some crazy shit with your tongue and/or make a damn fine chicken stock.

Anyway, I guess you have to ask yourself if you went back to him 1) because you felt in your heart it was the right thing to do, 2) because all of a sudden being single feels like skydiving without a parachute or 3) because it was easier to just give in and get back with him. I have a feeling the answer is a lot closer to 2 or 3 than 1; in which case, strongly consider backing out now before you move back in together and/or he pops the question.

But if it’s 1, enjoy your nuptials, and I guess also enjoy getting caught fucking his best man in the hotel kitchen walk-in at your reception. Trust me, subsequent betrayals never hurt as badly as the first one. He’ll be fine, and may even apologize to you, somehow.

Panic At The Disco

Hi Help!

I’ve been talking to this guy every day since we met about 3 months ago through a mutual friend.  The only problem is that he lives in New Jersey and I live in Boston.  We see each other as much as we can.  It has been hard with weddings/vacations we had planned before we met but he’ll even drive up during the week for the night when he can just to spend a few hours together.

I really like him and I think he likes me too (I have met his family and friends) the only problem is obviously the distance and the fact that we haven’t really talked about what we are doing.  I don’t think he’s seeing anyone else and I don’t want to.  Just not sure how to broach the subject / why he hasn’t.

Long Distance Disaster?

Well shit, this again. See the response to the first question: he’s not broaching the subject because there is no realistic way for a LDR to end in anything but pain. You’re not high schoolers trying to weather the long summer apart at different sleepaway camps, you’re adults with adult lives and there’s barely enough time to make a regular relationship work, let alone a LD one. He’d be crazy to say “hey, I know we rarely talk and see each other even less often, but I’d like to exclusively commit myself to being your boyfriend.” Christ, he could just join a seminary if that’s the route he wanted to take.

Unlike the first letter writer, there’s another, more pernicious motivation you have to consider: what if he’s just being nice to you to have any excuse to leave the state of New Jersey? Really makes you think…

Head Pro will pretend to date you long distance, if you want. He won’t text or call and will sleep with other people, but it’s the sentiment that counts. Send your questions about relationships (or anything, really) to [email protected], and follow him on twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Why Your Long Distance Relationship Probably Won’t Work Out

The Betches discuss the Charlottesville rallies, the Taylor Swift sexual assault case, and Leonardo DiCaprio’s proclivity towards young models. They answer letters from listeners struggling with long distance relationships and a bride who wants to minimize drama at her wedding. They play Would You Rather’s regarding adoption and Shoot Fuck Marry about the Kardashians and Mean Girls.