Anyone who has ever had a bestie get married knows at least one thing is true: the wedding website is a den of lies. And it’s not just the photos of the couple looking happy on a beach, when you know for a fact they’ve spent every spring break for the past five years screaming at each other, that are bullshit. The most insane lies come when reading the “couple’s story,” wherein the bride and groom (or groom and groom, it’s 2017 after all) tell some fake-ass Disney-fied version of their relationship that their grandmothers can read and feel good about their grandchild’s life choices. And honestly, who can blame them? Do you really want to tell your nana that you met your future husband three times in a blacked out state before you ever remembered his name? Does Uncle Joe really need to know that you’re mostly getting married because this dude gave you mouth herpes from a bong and now you’re marked for life? Probs not. But for those of us who are less concerned about seeming respectable, there are always ways to tell what a wedding website says vs. what a wedding website means.
So in order to help you decode your best friend’s new The Knot page, we’ve built this helpful guide. You know, so you can more easily get drunk and call them on their shit during speeches.
Wedding Website Says: We were college sweethearts!
Wedding Website Means: We met in freshman year and spent the next four years drunkenly hooking up and then not talking to each other. During that time we broke up approximately 450 times, had over one thousand drunken bar fights, and made passes at at least two of each other’s closest friends. We finally decided to get married after graduation once we realized we’d gained 25 pounds in beer weight and nobody else would have us.
Wedding Website Says: We were high school sweethearts!
Wedding Website Means: We are anxiety prone monsters who are too afraid to ever even try hooking up with someone else. We lost our virginities to each other, and then one of us followed the other to a big university despite getting into a much better school because we are clingy AF. Now we are getting married and will probably pop out a baby within a year. We are deeply, deeply unhappy, and our wedding will not have an open bar because we are actually under 21.
Wedding Website Says: We met on study abroad!
Wedding Website Means: Neither of us bothered to learn another language, so our Italian hookup options were fairly limited. We spent the entire six months talking only to each other and sneaking into each other’s homestays wherever possible. We keep saying we’re going to move to Italy after the honeymoon, but we def will just end up buying a house in Jersey and making an “Italy” Pinterest board.
Wedding Website Says: We met randomly on the train! It was a total meet cute!
Wedding Website Means: We met on Tinder after he sent me a picture of his penis and I was too desp not to respond.
Wedding Website Says: We met because we were actually dating each other’s friends! Lol so funny!
Wedding Website Means: We’re still in love with each other’s best friends and are only in this relationship to get back at them for dumping us.
Wedding Website Says: pursued for months before she’d give him her number!
Wedding Website Means: Bride kept groom in the friend zone for years until she realized that her hotness does not outweigh her terrible personality, and he may be the only person who will ever love her. There is a 90% chance Bride will start up an affair with one of the groomsmen at the reception, and call Groom by the wrong name at least once during the honeymoon.
Wedding Website Says: I thought he was gay!
Wedding Website Means: He is gay.
Wedding Website Says: We met at another wedding!
Wedding Website Means: We were both going so hard at the open bar in an attempt to drink away our loneliness that we blacked out and woke up in each other’s hotel rooms. We stayed together because we are both the loneliest people in our friend groups, respectively. Now we’re getting married because we think it’s our best shot at not being alone forever.
Wedding Website Says: We were set up through mutual friends!
Wedding Website Means: Our mutual friend’s name is “Bumble” and they had to set us up like 25 times before anything worked out.
Wedding Website Says: No gifts please! Your presence is all we need.
Wedding Website Means: If you don’t donate at least $200 to our honeymoon fund we’re never talking to your cheap ass again.
We get it, there’s a lot of shows to watch out there. But sometimes murder docs and reality shows are exhausting and you just want to turn your brain off and laugh. After Ali Wong’s killer Baby Cobra special came out on Netflix, we looked at Netflix comedy in a whole new light. It was like seeing Laney Boggs take off her glasses for the first time – wow, maybe Netflix is the new prom queen of comedy? Anyways, if you’re in the mood for stand-up, here are some specials currently on Netflix you should catch up on if you know what’s good for you.
1. Rory Scovel Tries Standup for the First Time
Rory Scovel is probably one of the most underrated comedians right now, because he’s killer but isn’t a household name outside comedians just yet. Don’t worry, he’s going to be, so get on board now. He was just in The House, which we didn’t watch, but he made it to the trailer so that’s a good sign. Anyways, watch this special because he manages to be both sweet and absurd at the same time. He starts this off by asking the audience if they’ve ever done anal, and it goes on for far too long, but it works because you can tell he truly doesn’t care what the audience thinks, and that is the hottest thing of all. We approve of anyone who does not need our approval.
2. Colin Quinn: The New York Story
You’d think this would be like watching your dad do standup, but it’s more like watching your grumpy neighbor living in the one rent-controlled apartment in your building do standup. He’s funny and he is unapologetic about what he finds funny, despite touching on stereotypes and the (ugh) idea of “political correctness”. He doesn’t give AF about offending people, but he’s also not a shitty person so it like, works. Much like how we at Betches know that it’s okay to judge someone for who they are as long we judge everyone and believe us, we do. Also if you have lived in New York for a while you’ll like this special.
3. John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid
Mulaney is def a middle of the road comic, but in a good way. You know how sometimes you literally just want a grilled chicken Casesar salad, and then you order it and it’s like one of the best salads you’ve ever had? It’s like ordering pad thai at a Thai restaurant every time. You know what you’re going to get, and it’s still good. Mulaney is a strong joke writer and the structure of his special is tight while also making you feel like you’re in a chill conversation with him. He’s safe, but not like in a boring way. More like safe in the sense that you have an IUD and you’ve been with your boyfriend for 2 years but he’s still hot AF to you.
4. Hasan Minhaj: Homecoming King
The Daily Show correspondent and very quickly rising star Hasan Minhaj kills it in this special. He talks about being an immigrant without being hacky, which is like a feat considering how many ill-advised Hollywood execs still think a gong noise is an appropriate punchline. You’ll fall in love with him as he talks about his family conflicts and serious shit in the funniest way possible. He’s a great storyteller and you’ll start to wonder if he could be your plus one to that wedding you have to go to next month. Anyways, watch this shit because he’s from The Daily Show for God’s sake.
5. Maria Bamford: Old Baby
Normally the term quirky is reserved for our ugliest friend, but in Maria Bamford’s case it is a thing to be celebrated. In case you missed her last special (The Special Special Special!) where she performed for her parents, Bamford’s style is on paper what we’d call “weird” but in reality it’s done in a way that’s so funny even the made up cheerleader in Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me” would find Maria funny. She switches up her audience by performing for strangers in the park to her husband and it still works every time. As betches we always say there’s no need to change who we are because we’re perfect, and Maria takes this to the next level.
6. Lucas Bros: On Drugs
These chill AF twins are highly underrated, but it’s probably because of how chill they are. You might recognize them from 22 Jump Street or their Lucas Bros. Moving Co. animated show from a few years ago. They are the epitome of stoners without the high strung anxiety of bearded straight white male comics. Their signature style of mumbling over each other while still hitting with wry punchlines makes this special one to watch while you’re getting high on your couch. Here’s a chill line from their special: “You should never do shrooms with a guy that looks like you, man.”
7. Trevor Noah: Afraid of the Dark
We love Trevor Noah for his role as host on The Daily Show, but he really shines when he’s on the stage doing his own material. Usually we would be opposed to the new girl in school telling us what’s wrong with us, but Trevor makes profound observations about America without like harshing our vibe. He’s like the big sister who gives us the same advice our friends do about boys, but when she says it we actually listen. He’s charming, funny, smart, and the special flows with strong storytelling that makes this worth watching.
8. Jen Kirkman: Just Keep Living?
We love Jen and if you don’t follow her on Twitter already you definitely should. She leans into the angry feminist stereotype in a tongue in cheek way while still championing relatable issues we struggle with. She talks about getting cat called and how shitty it is when men ask her where her boyfriend is, and honestly we agree with all of it. We also like that she makes bad decisions, like getting a tattoo of a Matthew McConaughey quote, and having zero regrets about it.
9. Chelsea Peretti: One of the Greats
This special has been out for a while but it deserves more attention. You might know Chelsea from Brooklyn Nine Nine, and honestly more people should be aware of her. She’s married to Jordan Peele and that should be an indication of how funny and chill she is. She’s like a BSCB that’s chill at the same time, and her bit about girls who post “no makeup” selfies is spot on.
READ: The Best Things to Stream On Netflix This Summer When It’s Too Hot To Move