‘Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club’ Recap: She’s A Thirsty Little Girl

It’s been a long week since we were last in Mykonos with Lindsay and the gang, but I’m ready for more. When we left off, new VIP host Alex had just showed up, and Lindsay and Panos seemed like they might be ready to send someone home. Will this actually happen, or is MTV just baiting us? Stay tuned.

We start off with Lindsay in some kind of wet suit electrode contraption, and I think she’s literally getting shocked. She shouts that she’s not Tomb Raider, which has…nothing to do with anything. And none of us thought that to begin with. She says that she’s noticed the VIP hosts getting more comfortable, which can only mean that something is about to go horribly wrong.

Panos is leading the staff meeting, and right now his favorites are Alex, Jonitta, and Brent. I’m definitely team #CancelBrent, so this is gonna be tough for me.

Big Shaq, who is apparently a famous rapper, is the VIP for today, and Billy is assigned to his cabana. Panos also tells the hosts to come up with ideas for a signature drink, which seems like really not their job? Lohan Beach House needs to call Tom Sandoval for some consulting. Billy makes a drink that everyone agrees is ~perfect~ even though I’m pretty sure it’s just an Aperol Spritz. But big drama is brewing, because Panos likes Gabi’s drink better.

We get a quick glimpse of Lindsay getting her makeup done, and she barks out “The struggle is real!” First of all, you mean to tell me that all of these terrible makeup looks have been the work of a professional makeup artist?! Fire this person! Also, what struggle? Lindsay’s life seems like it would be inherently easy if she could just get out of her own way.

Right now Panos has three problem hosts: Brent for his attitude, Jules because she’s too quiet, and May, just in general? I’m sure we’ll get more on this later, but for now Panos is busy flirting with Big Shaq, who just showed up.

It’s 5pm at the club, and Jonitta is f*cking fed up with Gabi. The feuds on this show come out of nowhere, but I guess I’m here for the drama. It’s time for Big Shaq’s performance, and he immediately brings Lindsay up on stage. Lindsay is wearing an entirely gold sequined dress that says “TOO GLAM TO GIVE A DAMN,” which cost $459 according to some quick googling. Sure, sounds good, love it. I’m not familiar with Big Shaq’s music, but the first lyrics we hear him rap are “2+2 is 4,” and for that reason, I’m out.

Back at the house, Mike is telling Alex about how he wants to bang Jules, mostly because he hasn’t sex in four months. Alex is not convinced, because he says Mike is gay, not bi. Um, rude, but I also seriously think they’re gonna hook up at some point, despite Alex having a boyfriend at home.

Gabi tells us a sob story about childhood health problems, which I didn’t really listen to because I was getting a snack. Sorry, not sorry. They’re really trying to make Gabi happen this episode, and idk if I’m feeling it. No wait, I know I’m not feeling it. Jonitta invited a guy from the beach club to go out with her tonight, so that hopefully he’ll be a VIP client in the future. Things start to go south when Gabi and May greet Jonitta’s date first, and then Jonitta is sh*t talking Gabi to anyone who will listen.

Remember my prediction exactly six sentences ago that Alex and Mike would hook up? Well, apparently I’m psychic, because they just drunkenly made out at the club! I’m obviously not surprised, but I kinda thought they’d make us wait longer?

Now we’re back at the house, and Jonitta confronts Gabi about how she greeted her date. Ugh, I’m so over this already. May, despite doing the same thing as Gabi, has somehow avoided the wrath of Jonitta, and she should be thankful. Gabi brushes against Jonitta’s leg, and Jonitta responds by slapping the shit out of Gabi. Wow, I love this episode of Bad Girl’s Club!!

Security is ready for this to get bad at any minute, and Gabi has to beg the cameras to leave her alone so she can have a minute to herself. She feels like she’s being attacked just for doing her job and being personable, which is pretty accurate. I like Jonitta, but I’m not sure this behavior is in line with the Lohan Brand. Which is why we’re all here. Gabi is feeling alone and doesn’t want to deal with anyone, so she leaves to spend the night at a hotel. Wait, this is an option?

The next morning, Mike and Alex sit down to chat about their kiss. Alex is like, “wow this could ruin everything between me and my boyfriend.” Mike plays along, but you know he would sleep with Alex in 10 seconds.

We see Panos watching the footage of Jonitta hitting Gabi, and he’s not happy. He first has a meeting with Gabi. Panos says “I don’t know how to control Lindsay in this situation,” and I’m confused. Is Lindsay not the boss? Why wouldn’t she already know? Shouldn’t she be at this meeting? Panos then shows up at the host villa, and calls everyone into the living room. 30 seconds into the meeting, Jonitta tells Panos that Gabi is a “thirsty little girl.” She’s wearing a shirt that says SORRY, but clearly she doesn’t dress the way she feels.

Panos goes to call Lindsay, and he kicks a stool in the kitchen on his way out. Iconic drama queen moment right there.

Sara goes to talk to Jonitta, Brent gives a speech about how he would’ve been so humble in Jonitta’s position (sure, Jan), and Alex leaves to meditate. Same. Jonitta tells Sara she’d rather get sent home than apologize, which is literally so dumb. Just say sorry, you don’t even have to mean it!

Gabi gets back to the host villa, followed closely by Lindsay and Panos. Lindsay says violence is unacceptable, but what’s even more unacceptable is the denim dress she’s wearing. They sit down for a meeting, and…CLIFFHANGER. Ugh. Will Jonitta get sent home? I guess we’ll find out next week!

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‘Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club’ Recap: Oprah Is My 911

It’s been a week since our first taste of Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club, and I’m ready for more. Seriously, so many people have asked me about the show in the past week that I really haven’t stopped thinking about it. What will happen tonight? Will the Beach House turn into a prostitution ring? Will Lindsay’s Turkish accent truly come out? So many possibilities.

All of the ambassadors are getting ready and talking about how they want to learn as much as possible from Lindsay. They’re acting like Lindsay is a life coach and not a ticket to Instagram influencer status. This should be a good episode, I can feel it in my bones.

Lindsay says that, “after a rough start,” she’s ready to get down to business. Oh, you mean when you showed up unannounced on the first night, and were appalled that your employees were drinking the booze you gave them? Okay. She’s making them all write their intentions on pieces of paper, and Lindsay is acting like she’s leading these people through a 12-step program. We only hear three people’s intentions, but two of them are “Grow the Lohan brand,” so Lindsay is happy. We find out that Oprah is Lindsay’s “911.” She asks Oprah for advice whenever she does anything. Unclear whether Oprah responds to these manic texts.

It’s a new day at the Beach House, and today’s VIP client is Lakis, a designer who shows up carrying two small dogs and wearing the largest sun hat I’ve ever seen. Aristotle is assigned to the VIP today, because Panos wants him to get over his social anxiety. Okay, we’ve seen Lakis for a total of ten seconds, but I can already tell he’s the absolute worst thing you could do to a person with anxiety. Panos tells Brent that he’ll be assisting Aristotle, and he argues that he should be working the door. Panos tells him not to talk back, and there’s immediately drama brewing. Brent’s ego is already my third favorite character this season.

Lakis wants his feet washed with hot towels, so that’s how this is going to go. He makes Aristotle “dance” with him, which consists of some weird acro-yoga poses that definitely aren’t safe. Brent is embarrassed by the foot washing, and decides he’s done helping Aristotle. Lindsay immediately notices, and she’s not happy about it. We see Aristotle wandering around looking for Brent, and the other Ambassadors are just sitting around eating French fries. Do these people have a job?

Now that he’s left his job responsibilities behind, Brent is back to focusing on getting laid. He says he “feels substance with Sara,” and “could definitely see a future with her.” Brent, you’ve been here for three days, and you spent one of those days hooking up with Natasha the VIP client. This isn’t The Bachelor, chill out.

Aristotle sits down with Panos to talk sh*t about Brent, and Panos is not happy. Aristotle then goes to talk sh*t with Lindsay, and she’s mad too. Okay, so Brent is obviously a douche, but doesn’t Aristotle still have a client to worry about? Apparently snitches don’t get stitches at Lohan Beach House. Lindsay threatens to send Brent home, which obviously won’t happen, because we still have a 10-episode season to get through.

And now we’re back at the Host villa for the night, because these people only work for like four hours a day. Oh hey Billy, forgot you existed! He gets in some hot tub time with Sara, so he’s obviously gonna have beef with Brent.

They start a game of Truth or Dare, which Aristotle kicks off by doing a naked lap around the backyard. Let’s hope Lindsay doesn’t pull up in her Mini Cooper right now, because she would be sorely disappointed. Brent asks Sara which girl she likes the least, which is her opportunity to stir the sh*t with May again. Oh wait, no, Brent decides to go in on May on her behalf. Classy.

Billy to Brent: “I dare you to try to go tomorrow without calling somebody out on their bullsh*t.”
Me to Billy:

This is the content I’m here for, thank you Billy.

OMG. Billy is talking to Sara, and Brent pops his head in and goes “Am I interrupting?” He seriously thinks he’s on The Bachelor. Sara then sits down with the girls to talk about her predicament. She’s more into Billy, but she likes the attention from Brent. Honestly, as someone who loves attention, I respect this.

Jules (the blonde one who we haven’t seen at all) immediately tells Brent about what Billy said to Sara, and it goes exactly as well as you’d expect. Brent screams for Billy to come outside, and then says that they’re living in A HOUSE OF UGLY GIRLS. OH MY GOD, NO. He just called them all 2s, which is 1) untrue, and 2) so incredibly, unbelievably rude.

Brent: We’re going to gay clubs. We’re going to clubs with six old men, and I need to nut.

All the women are eavesdropping on this sh*tshow, and Jules comes over to break the tension. He says back home, he’d maybe talk to Sara if she weighed seven pounds less. Sir, you were saying you see a future with this woman literally six hours ago. Jonitta and Sara then come over and dump a bunch of drinks on Brent’s head. THIS. IS. EVERYTHING. The women are totally bonding over this, and I’m completely here for it.

Meanwhile, it’s 11:30pm at Lindsay’s villa, and she’s cooking fish for dinner. Her friend calls her Martha Stewart, to which she responds “I’m not Martha Stewart, I’ve already been to jail.” God bless.

Back at the Host villa, Brent is chugging tequila out of the bottle, while everyone else literally begs him to stop drinking. Brent passes out on the living room floor, and then suddenly he’s throwing up on the side of the road. Does the house not have toilets for throwing up? Why are you in the road??

The next morning, Panos puts Brent in his place for abandoning Aristotle the previous day. Brent then calls Panos “buddy.” 30 minutes have passed, and Brent’s ego is now my least favorite character, in case you were wondering.

Brent requests a one-on-one with Panos, and he’s acting like he is totally running the show here. Sorry Brent, but the floral romper Panos has on is clearly the star of this scene. Panos FaceTimes Lindsay, and he has to remind her who Brent is. I’m screaming. It’s only the second episode, and we’re already having to rely on FaceTime to get Lindsay on camera. It’s going well!

Images: MTV; Giphy (4)