Growing up there was literally no better time to be alive because the teen dramas were fire during those days. Any show that involved hot half-brothers duking it out on the basketball court or hot vampire brothers brooding over high school girls was my freaking catnip. I learned some v important lessons from those shows too. Like, if you gave your virginity to your vampire boyfriend he might lose his soul, terrorize your friends and family, and try to end the world. Subtle abstinence messages are fun. I also learned that 16-year-olds living in the Upper East Side have more money, sex, and better taste in clothes than I do as an adult. See? V important lessons here. But if there’s anything I’ve learned from avoiding human interaction in favor of watching trash television, it’s how to spot a heartthrob. Spoiler: he’s probably blond, in tune with your emotions, and wearing enough hair gel to grease a Slip ‘N Slide. Your high school self swooned over these losers, but now as
someone who has been on Tinder an adult you see things more clearly because more often than not, the self-proclaimed heartthrob is actually the fucking worst. And because I have nothing better to do with my time than to analyze fictional people, I’ve taken it upon myself to list out every TV heartthrob you totally crushed on but who was really Satan disguised as a Tiger Beat cover model.
Side note: if it feels like I’m coming for every show The CW has ever produced that’s because I absolutely am. Now, let’s bring on the
men society deems sexually desirable for young women heartthrobs.
1. Lucas Scott, One Tree Hill
I should have known I would hate Lucas Scott the second they cast Chad Michael Murray to play his character but I was deluded for two or three seasons and actually thought he was a good guy at first. I mean I was, like, 10 when the show first aired so give me a fucking break. My first point of contention with Lucas is that he said “I love you” to legit anyone with two working legs and a vagina. Seriously, if I had a dollar for every time Lucas told some emotionally fragile girl that he loved her I would have enough money to fund my own Clothes Over Bros clothing line. And, Lucas, consider yourself lucky that I was not one of those girls because I would have set you on fire if I found you sucking face with Peyton during the school shooting two episodes after professing your love for me. NOPE. Second, if we strip away his good looks and his basketball skills (did he have any?), he’s just a weirdo who writes in a sad, handwritten book. Like, we get it, you’re an artist trying to get laid. Honestly, he’d probs do well on Tinder. His talents were def wasted at Tree Hill.
^100 percent an excerpt from his Tinder bio, also what does this even mean
2. Nate Archibald, Gossip Girl
Tbh I was never a huge fan of Nate. I was into Dan because he was a writer living in Brooklyn and I’ll always have a soft spot for
dudes who are probably unemployed artists, and also Chuck Bass because he looked like he would fuck you up emotionally and I’m here for it. But Nate was just kind of there. He wasn’t particularly misunderstood or a giant piece of shit that kinda turned you on and made you reconsider whether you have daddy issues. He was just a really pretty face. I mean, really pretty. Plus all he ever did was hook up the wrong girl at the wrong time and fuck up everyone’s shit. Whatever. I guess if this were real life I’d totally give his trust fund him a chance.
I, mean, that head nod says it ALL.
3. Dawson Leery, Dawson’s Creek
Before there was Lucas Scott there was
the reason I suffer from rage blackouts Dawson and his fucking creek. I never really liked this show, but my best friend was obsessed with Dawson because he was cute, had zero control over his emotions, and was more sensitive than me on my period. In hindsight, perhaps I should have given him more of a chance? Whatever. Dawson was v dramatic and always crying about something and everyone knows I can’t with feelings. If Dawson were a real human he’d be the guy who texts you only in emojis and cries after the first time you have sex. Yeah, that’s a hard pass for me.
4. Riley Finn, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
You probs don’t remember Riley because he was
a waste of space Buffy’s college boyfriend and she only made it to, like, sophomore year before she died over the summer and decided not to go back to college when she was resurrected so she could hate-fuck Spike instead. Happens to the best of us, Buff! But Riley was the fucking worst. To this day I will never understand what Buffy saw in him. I mean, he looked like a Dillard’s catalogue model and had the personality of the department store clothing. The only thing interesting that ever happened to him was when he got addicted to vampires biting him and that was really more sad and pathetic than interesting. People loved him because he was human and Buffy had, like, a healthy and mature relationship with him (gross), but I hated him and his fugly turtlenecks with every fiber of my being. He was clearly a rebound after Buffy’s platinum vagine made Angel lose his damn mind and try to destroy the world. And I’m sorry but, Riley, would you risk your soul to be with Buffy? Would you get a soul to be with Buffy? No? Then get in line behind peroxide boy and the reason I have unrealistic expectations of love Angel. BYE.
Do you think YOU have a shot with her? Get outta here!
5. Logan Huntzberger, Gilmore Girls
I kind of hate myself for saying this because if Rory can’t be with Jess then I am 100 percent Team Logan, but Logan kind of sucks. He’s like every rich frat bro I’ve ever dated. One second he’s inviting you on his dad’s boat and the next second he’s taking some no-name freshman to his formal instead of you. Like, what? I have whiplash. I didn’t mind him so much when Rory dated him in college. I, mean, sure he kind of derailed her life and made her contemplate dropping out of college for a minute there, but what college fuckboy hasn’t done that a time or two?? Where he really lost points with me was in the revival. He was hooking up with Rory but also engaged to some other girl and flying Rory out TO LONDON whenever his dick started to get hard and that just did not sit right with me. Like, that shit was cute in college similar to how drinking Natty Lite out of a semi-warm keg and slurping alcohol from a frozen structure was also cute in college. Grow up, kid.
6. Stefan Salvatore, The Vampire Diaries
The Vampire Diaries was one of my favorite shows in high school because there’s nothing I love more than to turn up on a Thursday and watch an hour of broody vampire teen drama. Clearly I have a lot going on in my life. Clearly. Anyway, it starred Nina Dobrev, aka Degrassi’s 13-year-old-teen-mom-turned-fashion-model Mia Jones, who played boring nice girl Elena and was about the two ridiculously attractive vampires who had nothing better to do with their immortal lives than to fight over some small-town high school girl. Tbh I was all for Stefan for about two episodes. He was the right amount of broody, mysterious, and cocky. And then they brought Damon out, a character who mind-controlled high school cheerleaders into having crazy sex with him but like, you were kinda into it, and you wanted to laugh at Stefan and his overly coiffed hair. The first three seasons Stefan acted like he was hot shit while Elena tried not to eye-fuck his brother at the dinner table. Like, Stefan, you’ve been alive for 200 years, seen the rise and fall of multiple societies, but you can’t see when a girl would rather fuck your brother? Come onnn. Sorry, Stefan, go back to brooding in your fitted tees.
7. Max Evans, Roswell
First, if you haven’t watched Roswell yet, then you absolutely can’t sit with me. That show is the reason I know where Arizona is on a map and also why I pray there’s life on other planets. As long as alien life forms look like Max Evans and Michael Guerin then I will gladly let them invade
my bedroom Earth. Plus it features Katherine Heigl before she became the bitchiest actress in Hollywood and Shiri Appleby before she started ruining people’s lives on UnReal. ANYWAY, Max Evans, a teenage alien with permanent sad eyes and a penchant for cargo pants, was the star of this show and also the resident fuckboy heartthrob. And while many would argue that Max was brooding and mysterious and selfless, I would argue that he was the fucking worst. Season one he was fine, just a little too moody and “I hold the fate of the galaxy in my hands” for my taste but, whatever, he gave Shiri Appleby an orgasm “visions of constellations” (lol) by just, like, breathing on her so I was into it. But then he fucked the new girl in season two and got her pregnant with his alien spawn and it all went downhill from there. I don’t stand for cheaters, even if you were tricked into it by an alien seductress. I was rooting for you, Max. We were all rooting for you!
It’s a universally known fact that guys are shitty, like, generally. They’re lazy, they’re sloppy, they’re immature, they’re insensitive,
they have mommy issues, and sometimes, they’re downright sexist. It’s basically indisputable that women are more often than not on the receiving end of stomach-churning male behavior, whether we’re being mocked, objectified, or even denied basic human rights, and no one knows this better than The Betches me.
We’ll save the serious political shit for another article, but the unacceptable shit that guys try to pull unfortunately extends into the mundane everyday stuff too. Like when you’re at the gym just trying to use the Stairmaster in peace and you can practically feel the eyes of the guy on the machine behind you boring a hole through the back your leggings. It’s uncomfortable, it’s violating, it’s unacceptable, and, most importantly, it interferes with your ability to live your best life. So below, we’ve enumerated the things guys do that aren’t just obnoxious but downright offensive—and need to stop, like, immediately.
1. Cat-calling: I honestly don’t get what the point of cat-calling is. Has any woman ever been like “well I wasn’t considering sucking your dick at all but now that you mention it I’ve got 5 extra minutes?”
2. Sending dick pics: Once again, no. a dick pic is never, I repeat, NEVER, a pleasant surprise.
3. Saying “m’lady”: Studies have shown that 99% of guys who say m’lady wear a fedora and are still a virgin by the time they turn 29.
4. Asking me what I’m gonna do when I get married since I can’t cook: I think the better question is, what are you going to do when you get married, since you can’t cook to save your ass, either? Because I for one am going to marry a rich pro and hire a personal chef, so…
5. Saying shit that, at the time, they blatantly do not mean: Like for example when you go on a date and you know you’re both kind of like “meh” about it at the end of it and instead of being a normal rational human and not even bringing up seeing each other again since it’s obvious neither of you want to do that, the guy is all, “Hey that was super fun we should totally do it again, I’ll text you.” And you’re just standing there like “We both know that’s not going to happen, nor do we want it to happen, so…why?” Why are you literally wasting your breath just to talk shit that has no bearing on my life one way or the other?
6. Openly bashing all feminists because “all feminists are just a bunch of bitches who think all men are horrible and deserve to die” and that’s just not true: Do you even see the irony of what’s going on here?
7. Putting their hands on the back of the girl’s head and pushing when she is going down on them: Oddly specific? Yes. Makes me homicidal? Also yes. Bros out there, I know when you go down on a girl there’s no real danger other than perhaps drowning in the pussy. But when I give head I am literally choking myself repeatedly until you nut. Seriously, the choking hazard is very real, so quit testing my gag reflex unless you want vomit on your hands…er, I mean, dick.
8. Grabbing girls around the waist in crowded places: Like when you’re trying to squeeze past me in a bar, why can’t you tap me on my shoulder, or I don’t know, any other place that isn’t as sexual and violating? If I don’t know you I can’t think of a single reason you should put your hand anywhere near my lower back region, unless you’re trying to see how far I can jump in the air when startled.
9. Messing around with my hair without asking: Contrary to popular belief, I did not actually wake up like this. This thing on my head that you think is your own personal petting zoo took a lot of time and styling and money and you cannot just rake your hands through it like you’re making crop circles or it will get fucked up. Don’t try me.
10. Calling girls “bro”: That is, unless you want me to start off my texts from now on with, “Giiiiiirlllll.”
Shut it down. All of it. Kthxbye.