UPDATE #2: It’s been a month since we checked in with Dale and Clare, and unsurprisingly, this
fairytale nightmare couple can’t stay away from each other. The two seemed to be on pretty bad terms when they announced their split last month, with Clare claiming to be blindsided by Dale’s breakup post on Instagram. But a little public betrayal is no match for true love and thirst, and the Bachelorette alums have been spotted together in Florida several times in the last week.
Last week, Clare and Dale were seen hanging out at numerous restaurants in the Sarasota area, and were holding hands in the lobby of the Ritz-Carlton. While Sarasota isn’t exactly the paparazzi capital of the world, holding hands in the lobby of the Ritz doesn’t make it seem like they were trying to keep anything a secret. Later in the week, two sources spoke to Us Weekly, confirming that the relationship is back on. One source said that “they’re just figuring things out,” but “it’s obvious to everyone that they’re back together.” The second source echoed this sentiment, adding that Clare “still has strong feelings for” Dale.
Though their reconciliation already seemed clear, this was further confirmed on Sunday, when Dale and Clare were photographed frolicking on the beach, and sealing things with a kiss. Well folks, maybe we’re getting our happy ending after all. For all the emotional turmoil they’ve put us through in the last six months, I can’t deny that they look great together. I’ll probably regret saying this in 72 hours, but I actually think Clare and Dale might have a chance? Some relationships thrive on chaos, and I just want Clare to have happiness.
UPDATE: Did you really think we were making it out of this week without some more Clare and Dale messiness? Of course not. When we last checked in on Wednesday, we were working with Dale’s Instagram post (that was shadily deleted, and then later reposted) and a bunch of tabloids with info from anonymous sources. Despite Dale confirming the breakup, at that time we still hadn’t heard from the Bachelorette herself, Clare Crawley.
Well, buckle up, because she finally made her statement, and it’s a f*cking doozy. Clare begins by clarifying that she “was made aware of a ‘mutual’ statement at the same time you all were, so I’ve needed some time to really digest this.” Whoa. Immediately, my brain is spiraling. There are two ways to read this: either Clare and Dale broke up and weren’t clear on the timing of going public with that information, or… Dale informed her that their relationship was over VIA INSTAGRAM. While neither of these situations would be ideal for Clare, I’m sincerely hoping it’s the first option, because a social media breakup would be downright cruel.
Clare goes on to say that she is “crushed” by the breakup, and that it’s not what she “expected or hoped for.” She outlines many of the reasons why 2020 was such a challenging year for her (COVID, post-Bachelorette anxiety, dealing with her mothers’ dementia), and reiterates that she was “genuinely invested with all of heart” in the relationship with Dale. Based on the whole tone of this statement, it seems safe to say that Clare wasn’t the one who wanted out of the relationship, and based on some new reports, we may have a better idea of what happened.
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Just after Clare’s statement was posted, E! News reported that Dale had been engaged in a months-long affair with Eleonora Srugo, a New York-based real estate agent. Their source claimed to have witnessed the two having a “candlelit dinner” back in November. According to their reporting, Dale has known Srugo since 2019, and maintained a relationship the entire time he was with Clare. But a different source told Us Weekly that this rumor is untrue, and Srugo herself denied that her relationship with Dale is anything but “platonic”. Messy, messy, messy. Whether the cheating part of this whole situation is true or not, you can’t help but feel bad for Clare that this supposed-to-be fairytale has come to such a swift end. Personally, I’m secretly hoping they both end up on Paradise, because could you imagine?
Now that we’re a few weeks into Matt James’ season of The Bachelor, Clare and Tayshia’s season of The Bachelorette feels like a distant memory. But as we’ve all come to understand, time isn’t real anymore, and it was just over two months ago that Clare and her beloved Dale sat down with Chris Harrison for a little chitchat after they ran off together in the middle of the season. As I said, time is not real.
From the moment we heard the first spoilers that Clare jumped the gun on her Bachelorette engagement, I would imagine most of us were skeptical that this would end well. It’s not like couples from this franchise have a great track record of staying together to begin with, and watching it unfold, we could see these two barely got to know each other before they were calling up Neil Lane on Zoom. Turns out the skepticism was warranted, because just weeks after meeting each other, falling in love, and getting engaged, Clare and Dale have called it quits.
On Tuesday afternoon, numerous tabloids reported that the couple was spending time apart, and later in the day, Dale confirmed the breakup with a text post on Instagram. For reasons unknown, that post has since been deleted, but thanks to the high-powered technology of screenshooting, it didn’t actually go anywhere. Silly Dale, the internet is forever!
Despite earlier reports that he and Clare were “on a break,” Dale’s statement made things sound a lot more final. And because these people work harder than the devil, Dale also spoke about the breakup to a paparazzo in New York City on Tuesday night. He said that his relationship with Clare is “not the greatest situation,” and that they will “be cool” despite deciding that being together isn’t the “healthiest thing for us right now.”
Dale isn’t sharing a lot of details about their split, and Clare still hasn’t said anything publicly, but people are already coming out of the woodwork to explain where things went wrong. One source told Page Six that they had disagreements about where they would live and how quickly they would try to have children together. If you’ve paid any attention to this couple, neither of these issues are surprising. In their interview with Chris Harrison, Dale looked horrified when Clare told Chris Harrison that “BABIES!” were the next thing on the horizon for them as a couple. And just after their time on the show came to a close, there were conflicting reports about where they wanted to live. Clare told PEOPLE that they were “house-hunting in Sacramento”, but Dale was seen touring apartments in NYC the same week. Not to be too cynical here, but were these two ever really in it for the long haul? An E! News source basically cited the same relationship issues, suggesting that Dale was worried he was rushing into something too serious. Perhaps he should have considered that before proposing in front of TV cameras, but hey, we all get swept up in the hype from time to time.
So for now, we’re awaiting an official response from Clare, but if she’s looking to move on to someone new, she already has her first candidate lined up. Spencer Robertson, who competed for Tayshia’s heart on The Bachelorette, asked Clare to get coffee with him in an Instagram story on Tuesday after the breakup news surfaced. It’s important to note that Spencer was one of the new contestants who showed up after Clare had already left, so this isn’t a Pilot Pete/Kelley situation. Clare and Spencer have probably never met each other, so there’s a solid chance Spencer was just feeling a little thirsty and knew people like me would end up writing about this. Or who knows, maybe he and Clare will be engaged two weeks from now—anything could happen.
And along with Clare and Dale’s breakup, we have another split to process: On Wednesday morning, Listen To Your Heart winners Bri and Chris also announced that they’ve decided to part ways. Even if you didn’t watch LTYH (congratulations, you have standards), you’ll appreciate this: Chris and Bri were the couple who performed during Dale and Clare’s weird date before they peaced the f*ck out, and were also supposedly supposed to perform at their wedding. So I guess that whole situation really was cursed, huh? A sad day for Bachelor Nation, but there’s something really poetic about the simultaneous demise of these two relationships.
In the end, I’m kind of sad for Clare that her latest Bachelor journey ended in yet another round of heartbreak, but maybe Spencer will come along to save the day. In the meantime, I’m fully expecting to see Dale on Bachelor in Paradise this year, and he’ll probably have marriage plans with three different women by the second week. And as for Bri and Chris, I probably won’t ever think about them again, but I wish them all the best with their music careers. After all of this grim relationship news, maybe wasting years of my life on dating apps doesn’t seem so bad after all.
Iamges: ABC/Craig Sjodin
Just five short weeks ago, Peter’s season of The Bachelor ended. There were highs, there were lows, there was Barb—and during every commercial break ABC never failed to shove their newest blight upon humanity down our throats: Listen to Your Heart. The show is supposed to be a truly unhinged mix between The Voice and Bachelor in Paradise with musically talented singles pairing up to sing duets, fall in love, and troll Jed Wyatt one more time. If you had told me five weeks ago that I would have willingly subscribed to one more reality TV monstrosity taking over my life I would have laughed at you. But now that I’ve lost all semblance of time and the highlight of my day is taking my dog out to sh*t, I’m starting to change my tune. In fact, I’m starting to think Mike Fleiss might have orchestrated this entire pandemic to force us all into watching this second-rate Bachelor knock-off that no one would have watched had we not been legally ordered to stay in our homes. Mark my words, it’s going to come out in a few months that his least favorite ABC intern ate that bat in Wuhan. Now then, let’s see what this show is all about, shall we?
Things do not start off strong. Chris Harrison stands outside of what appears to be an off-brand Bachelor Mansion. I can tell it’s not the mansion we know and love, because the decor suggests the interior designer had an alarming amount of coupons at Urban Outfitters to spend, and the original Bachelor Mansion would never.
Did he…? Did he just… compare these wannabe musicians to the iconic talent that is BRADLEY COOPER AND LADY GAGA?? DID HE?! Chris Harrison is like “this show is just like A Star is Born!” and it’s like, you do know that someone dies at the end of that movie right, Chris? Though I have a feeling bloodshed is encouraged in all facets of this franchise.
Like any other Bachelor season, we’re treated to a sneak peak of the contestants before they arrive at the house. I appreciate this because, while normally I would have done my homework and already had a detailed record of every contestant’s age, date of birth, and AOL screen name, as well as photographic evidence of the face they were born with, I’m going into Listen to Your Heart completely blind. Here are my first impressions:
⭐︎ Bri says she’s from Utah and she looks like the sort to have orchestrated her escape from some religious farm by bargaining with Mike Fliess to appear on this show.
⭐︎ Is Sheridan sponsored by Subaru? Is this a commercial?
⭐︎ Savannah is a yoga instructor and the more she talks about her chakra, the more I worry it’s telling her to set her ex’s house on fire. She has that energy to her.
⭐︎ Trevor looks like he was grown in the bowels of ABC studios as a slightly altered version of Jed. If his resume suddenly includes “dog food jingle writer” we’ll know what’s up.
As I watch so much bright, hopeful energy bound across my screen, I can’t help but wonder what the rules are here. Are there limo entrances? And if so, for what purpose? Will contestants need to impress Chris Harrison with their unique rendition of the “Cupid Shuffle” to obtain entry into the house? And once they’re in the house, is it just one big free-for-all? WHAT ARE THE RULES!!
Jamie hops out of the limo first, and I immediately hate her. She says that music is her love language and she says that like a person who definitely has that phrase tattooed in sanskrit down her spine. Christ.
After Jamie we meet Matt, whose most distinguishing personality trait is that he has a beard. I already hate him when he tries to pretend like he’s never heard of The Bachelor. Oh really, Matthew? You’ve NEVER heard of one of the most popular reality dating franchises to ever exist? What’s next? You’re going to tell us that you think Stagecoach is a “music festival” and not a Bachelor-sponsored orgy?
MATT: I want to say that’s Chris… Hemsworth?
Inside the mansion, Jamie is immediately drawn to what appears to be a perfect human rendering of my Edward Cullen fanfic. To really hammer this point home for me, Edward Cullen (aka Ryan) tells Jamie that he once had brain surgery but “it was awesome.” To clarify, the question was “what’s something really good about your childhood?” Yeah, I’m pretty sure you could have just talked about the one time you learned how to backflip at the neighborhood pool, but okay Ryan.
MICHAEL TODD: I just want to make some really good music
Yeah, said every failed musician ever.
Wowwww. I didn’t even know I could feel things anymore after living in this vast wasteland of quarantine, but I am feeling SO MUCH rage for Michael Todd. He’s made me feel alive again. Bravo, Michael.
Chris Harrison comes out and I’m expecting him to tell us the rules. Like, what are they winning? An engagement? A music deal? Just an STD? We aren’t given any clarity. Instead we’re told that the girls must each choose a guy during the next rose ceremony (we aren’t told when said rose ceremony will take place) and if a guy isn’t chosen, he’ll be going home. So I feel like this premise is basically the same as Bachelor in Paradise except they’re also going to make our ears bleed in the process. Got it.
I’m genuinely shocked that not only is Sheridan here, but he’s actually making a connection with a human woman. When I saw his audition for a Subaru commercial earlier I thought FOR SURE this guy and his hat collection would not make it past night one, but I should have known there would be a Julia. There’s always one.
Julia tells us that when she’s not pursuing her music career, she’s running a non-profit she started from scratch! Oh, in her spare time she just runs a non-profit? In my spare time I try to dissect where it all went wrong for the Olsen Twins one paparazzi shot at a time, but we all have our thing I suppose. That’s so very chill, Julia!
JULIA: *talks about her non-profit*
ME: *shovels chips into my mouth*
Now that Chris Harrison is officially off the premises, locked in for the night at his own mansion, sipping margs and watching a slideshow of his best headshots, the mansion has completely surrendered to anarchy and mob rule. Matt and Rudi are running around in swimsuits, beelining for the hot tub ON NIGHT ONE. This isn’t spring break at Panama City Beach, kids! This is the goddamn Bachelor. Show some respect.
Meanwhile, Jamie ditches Edward Cullen to entertain the Jed Wyatt look alike, Trevor, in the hot tub. By my count, we’re only an hour into the episode and already TWO COUPLES have fornicated in the hot tub. What am I watching here?? Aren’t they supposed to be seeing if these people are compatible with them musically too? When Chris Harrison suggested you guys test out each other’s vocals he didn’t mean in the bedrooms, you pervs!
TREVOR: Jamie and I have a lot in common… musically.
If by “musically” you mean the two of you now have the same strand of chlamydia, then yes I believe you do have a lot in common, Trev!
Ryan And Jamie’s Date
Edward Cullen gets the first date card of the show and asks Jamie to go out with him, not knowing that mere hours beforehand she was on her way to earning herself a full-blown yeast infection in the hot tub with Trevor. Poor Eddie.
For their date they get to work with John Mayer’s music producer, and Jamie is acting like the only microphone she’s ever been in front of is the one at Ruby Tuesday’s karaoke night. Actually, I’d like to see her resume, please. What exactly qualifies her to be on this show? Lip syncing to Kylie Jenner’s rendition of “Rise and Shine” on TikTok doesn’t make you a musician, sweetie!
Okay, wow. I was honestly not expecting to witness any decent singing on this show, but I’m blown away by Edward Cullen’s voice. Dare I say I’m rooting for the guy? I hate that I’m acknowledging that any of these sycophants Mike Fliess found on the streets of LA might actually have a speck of talent, but damn. That boy can sing.
Meanwhile, Jamie is struggling. You can tell she’s surprised they’re expected to do things like hit musical notes or perform in front of industry legends. She already said music was her love language, what other proof do we need from her that she’s a star!! Luckily for her, her date is a human cinnamon roll and he offers to change the key to better suit her voice. Is this what love is?
Matt And Mel’s Date
Matt gets the second date card of the week and has to choose between a girl who visibly shuddered and tried to drown herself in a vat of boiling chlorinated water rather than kiss him, or Mel. He goes with Mel. Honestly, I’m worried for him. When Rudi finds out he ditched her for the date, she’s LIVID. So livid that I’m wondering if she is about to pull some basic bitchcraft and curse Matt to eternal damnation.
RUDI: I curse you and your beard, Matt! May you and your future lineage never know love and may your biggest success be as a cruise ship performer from now until the darkness claims you!
PRODUCERS: What if we just send them to a Plain White T’s concert and make them share a hay bale with complete strangers?
RUDI: That will work too.
I don’t know if it’s the witch’s curse or the fact that Mel is unable to show human emotion, but I’m not seeing any sparks between these two. I will say the editing is PHENOMENAL. As Matt and Mel sway together on a hay bale, the cameras cut to Moody Rudi who is having a full-on mental breakdown in front of a mirror. Who knew that during middle school sleepovers the face I used to see in the mirror after chanting “Bloody Mary” three times was actually Rudi’s? Crazy.
The Rose Ceremony
You can really tell everything about the caliber of these contestants just from their first rose ceremony attire. There is more animal print in this room than in the entire Tiger King documentary, and I’m seeing more of Rudi’s asscheeks than I ever asked for. Meanwhile, Trevor is wearing a corduroy jacket he got at the Gap 10 years ago. TO A ROSE CEREMONY. Is nothing sacred to you people??
Chris Harrison tells the group that they need to figure out where the connection lies between each of them, and once again it’s unclear as to whether he means musically or sexually. Which head do they need to be thinking with, Chris? They need clarity!
No one is more torn this rose ceremony than Julia. On the one hand, she’s very sexually attracted to the guy everyone in the house refers to as the “jacked-up Mr. Clean.” But, on the other hand, there’s Sheridan and his hats. How’s a girl to choose??
Okay, YES. This is the confrontation I’ve been thirsting for to fill the Barb-sized hole left in my heart from last season of The Bachelor. Matt realizes that Mel is more sexually attracted to a sandwich than she is to him and so he sets his sights on Rudi again. Little does he know, Rudi is unhinged. I mean, the girl considers a cheetah print romper WITH CUTOUTS formal attire. What did he expect?
MATT: This is getting to be way too much.
Honestly, Matt, you need to f*cking RUN.
Matt’s like, “I feel like I just went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson”. HAHAHAHAHA. Look, if that’s not the foundation of a beautiful relationship then idk what is, Mattie!
Jamie is still torn between Trevor and Edward Cullen. On the one hand, Edward is talented, kind, and willing to compromise musically with her. On the other hand, she has Trevor, who would probably look really good on her Instagram. What a pickle she’s in.
Okay, WOW. She has not one, but two guys serenading her with John Mayer songs? Is John Mayer getting a cut of this episode? Also, Ryan is CLEARLY the better John Mayer, Jamie! Get your head out of your ass and just pick him already!
And that brings us to the rose ceremony. It goes as such:
⭐︎ Savannah picks Brandon
⭐︎ Mel picks Gabe
⭐︎ Bekah picks Danny
⭐︎ Bri picks Chris
⭐︎ Cheyenne picks Matt
⭐︎ Julia picks Sheridan
⭐︎ Jamie picks Trevor… booooooo
⭐︎ Moody Rudi picks…. Ryan!!!!!
And that’s a wrap for this week, kids! We’ll have to wait until next week to see if any rules of the show will finally be revealed or if the contestants will continue living in this state of utter anarchy. At this point I’m thinking there’s a better chance of the hot tub spreading a staph infection to the entire cast than us getting any clarity. Sighs. Until then!
Images: ABC/John Fleenor; Giphy (4); @its_thesnatchelor /Instagram (1); @listentoyourheartabc /Instagram (1)
Hi, I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 35-year-old comedian who loves The Bachelor. I love it so much, I live Instagram story every episode at @jaredfreid. As you can imagine, my father is v proud. V.
So I wasn’t planning on watching “The Singing Bachelor,” but a pandemic happened and here we are with a preview for a show I know very little about. I watched the trailer and they don’t even explain it. They’re like, “Trust us, we’re the monsters that created The Fantasy Suite.” And honestly, I’m going to go with them on that. It does seem to take elements of The Bachelor and mash them up with American Idol. So I’m cool with that too. Especially since they showed JoJo in some sort of Paula Abdul role, and I could hear that JoJo took a dump in the street and I’d ask what comfy sweater she went with.
Here’s how my preview works: ABC does bios for every contestant and I dissect each one based off of the very little information they have given. The biggest difference from The Bachelor/Bachelorette are the ages. They range from 21 to 38. Yes, I said 38. When I do these for The Bachelor there’s less at stake. They’re young and you’re always thinking, “Who cares if a 23-year-old goes on TV for love!! They’ll be doing hair tutorials in six months!” But with this show, after reading some of these contestant bios, you start feeling like this is their last shot at making it in music. You’ll read them like you’re their family member on Family Feud after hearing them give a dumb answer. You’re like, “OK OK. WEDDING SINGER WHO WILL PURSUE THIS PASSION NO MATTER WHAT FINANCIAL HARDSHIPS ARE COMING!! OK OK!!! GOOD ANSWER!!”
So, join me as I make massive assumptions based on very little information. It’s like sitting with me after eating Chinese food while wearing sweats and screaming “Yuck” at what people wore on the red carpet. Please enjoy and follow me on Instagram (@jaredfreid) where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night. Let’s have a fun season!
Bekah is a 25-year-old musical theatre nerd who has never been on a date. Women are always ready to tell you which character they’ve written for themselves in the rom-com of life. Go ask any girl their name and they’re like, “I’m Rachel and I’ve never been in a relationship and I eat carrots but never with hummus because it makes me gassy.” And you’re like, “Cool, well it was nice to meet you Rachel… I guess we’ll hold off on the mezze plate.” Like, I don’t even know why we need to know Bekah has never been on a date. Would she not know what to do?! Would she get to a wine bar and start chugging from the bottle and then be like, “Oh that’s not how it goes?! Do we get married soon?!” I think Bekah is going to be fine, but in the musical theatre way where she hooks up with the one guy we all think is gay.
Brandon is a former Marine who once opened for Jason Derulo in Times Square. It’s gotta suck to go into music after having fought in a war. Like, that conversation with Jason Derulo before the concert must have been awkward.
Jason Derulo: “Hey man! What is your opening song about?!”
Marine Brandon: “Well it’s about Frank. He died for our country while battling PTSD. What will you be doing?”
Jason: “Cool. I’m going to take my shirt off and repeat my own name a bunch.”
Bri is a 28-year-old aspiring pop star from Utah. I don’t mean to be the Simon Cowell of this show, but cmon. “Pop” starts with teenage girls and moves its way up to the mainstream. Your mom JUST stopped calling her, “Ariana Grande Mocha Latte.” I’m not sure what teenage girl is going to want to hear songs about taking an Uber home early from a Mexican restaurant because the beans made you feel bloated and work took away the 401(k) match.
Cheyenne is a 23-year-old aspiring R&B singer from LA. Cheyenne’s bio says “at 8 years old, she started singing in the children’s church choir and fell in love with music.” I feel like this is the story of every pop star. Like, we’ve all seen the home video footage of Beyoncé and Katy Perry next to a preacher doing a solo. Is this part of the church pitch?! Are they like, “Come to our church!! We’ve got comfy pews and your daughter is going to learn about pitch. And if she doesn’t, she’s going to learn about the devil and how much he hates a flat note!”
Chris is a 30-year-old wedding singer from LA whose bio says, “After losing his father, Chris has been motivated to pursue his passion of having a music career, no matter the cost.” This is where this show might get sad. Is this how we’re going to spend a Monday night during a pandemic?! As if the world isn’t sad enough, now we get to watch an orphaned 30-year-old get told by a former Bachelor contestant that they’re pursuing a lie and nobody loves them. There’s no way to make a future of singing “Shout” at a wedding in Orange County sound positive.
I saw Danny’s face and I hated him right away. Then his bio said he has over a million followers online “but he hasn’t been able to find the one who will follow back his heart” and everything made sense. He’s got “too many TikTok followers” face.
That statement is also a lie. He can find someone. He’s out in social situations every night and he has hundreds of DMs. He just doesn’t want to find someone. He wants 2 million followers, not a girl who makes him look up from his phone. Also, the answer to “I have a million followers but how do I find love?!” Isn’t “Go on a dating show that’s kind of a music show and it’s all really confusing but you’ll probably sing a duet with a girl while she’s crying.”
Gabe is a 28-year-old soul/folk singer from Houston who is an active member of the Christian Ministry. Active church membership seems to be a huge part of the casting for this show. The church has always played a weird part in The Bachelor, and they were probably like, “What group is most likely to believe that a song is the magic spell to give them love?!” And then they put fliers at every church in a town that still elects a prom queen.
Jack is 38!!! You remember your dad at 38. You’d remember him saying, “Hey kids! I’m going to do a music competition to find a wife! I’ll be back in a month.”
His bio literally says, “You can find this single dad playing live most nights to support his 3-year-old son.” I mean, my god. These bios are starting to read more like a GoFundMe than a fun dating and music show. I’m waiting for one to be like, “This father of four lost his wife in a freak accident during a duet at a town fair. Will someone look to get freaky with our soulful singer?!”
Jamie is a 21-year-old pop/country singer who claims she went on 100 dates last year and her favorite food is margaritas (I’m not making this up). This show is actually mean. At some point Jamie is going to talk about how hard she works when she spent a third of the year on dates where she said, “Don’t threaten me with a good time!” before sucking down a comically large margarita. Someone living out of the back of a truck so that they can make music might be watching this show. It’s almost like someone created this as an intervention to make their loved one quit music. Jamie will be like, “Hi! My favorite food is margaritas and I have a deal with a record label!” And one of the other contestants will drop their guitar and pick up one of those accountant visors and disappear into the woods.
Josh is a 31-year-old pop/country singer who left his job as a police officer and got a divorce from his wife of eight years. He then pursued music in Nashville where he earned the nickname “The Singing Uber Driver.” I think that’s the biggest bullet dodge in relationship history. Like, imagine his ex-wife telling friends that story; “Yup, Josh left me! And I heard he’s some sort of singing Uber driver now! I was going to have kids with that guy! I could’ve been with an idiot who sings Christina Aguilera to drunk girls in a Toyota Camry!” Then they all clink glasses and hug a picture of their banker husband really tight.
Julia is a 27-year-old pop singer from Pennsylvania who “struggled with cystic fibrosis throughout her life but because of recent breakthroughs in medicine, Julia’s health has stabilized and as a result, she has a second chance at life, music and love.” How is this the first time I’m finding out about this scientific breakthrough?! I’ve heard of cystic fibrosis my whole life, and it took a new version of The Bachelor for me to find out we’re having breakthroughs?! Is this how I’m finding out about the coronavirus vaccine? I’ll be reading the bios for some new version of Survivor when all of the sudden it’s like, “Eleanor wouldn’t have been here if not for the coronavirus vaccine they found! Oh ya, go ahead and leave the quarantine! But not before you watch Survivor! Nursing Home Hustlers vs. Spring Break Boozers!
Mariana is a 23-year-old R&B/Pop singer from Dallas, Texas who is on this show to remind us that life isn’t fair and being hot will reign supreme in any competition. Mariana is “What did she just sing? Ya put her through to the next round” hot. She could cough up phlegm after leaving a COVID-19 test and we’d be like, “Oh she’s got that ‘it’ factor. She’s throaty like Janice Joplin.”
Matt is a 32-year-old Neo Soul singer from Encino, California. I have no idea what “Neo Soul” means either but I’ve only ever used the word “Neo” to describe Nazis, and his haircut isn’t helping that. Matt writes music for TV shows, commercials, and sometimes other artists, which means he’s talented. Matt says his longest relationship has been with his beard, so you know he’s good at hooking up without getting into relationships. That’s the thing you say to lightly leave the “What’s your deal?!” conversation with a girl you just had sex with after a gig in a town you never plan on visiting again.
Mel is a 27-year-old indie rock singer from Brooklyn who studied songwriting and performance arts at Berklee College of Music. I think that’s the least “indie rock” thing I’ve ever heard. Like she’d be on stage screaming, “Are you ready to rock?!?! I can’t hear you! I didn’t spend 47k on tuition for this crowd to be a bunch of losers. Are you ready to rock?! Well, get ready for this song based in music theory!! Here we go!!” Then she plays the guitar with one of those carpal tunnel braces on.
Michael Todd (Yes, that’s his name) is a 31-year-old singer-songwriter whose bio says, “After spending time in L.A., he is back in his hometown, where he finds that most people have already settled down.” I’ve never read a bigger lie. Michael Todd didn’t move home at 31 and think, “Wow, I guess everyone is all matched up now! How will I ever find a girlfriend?!” That’s not what he thought. He more likely moved home and thought, “I can’t believe I moved home. I’m 31. Oh god. I shouldn’t have spent so much money on this leather jacket. Maybe nobody will notice. Who am I kidding?! Of course they’re going to notice. I’m working at the only Starbucks in town. I’m going to ask for a name for the cup and they’ll be like “Mike?! From high school? The musician! Right?!” And I’ll have to say, “Yup! It’s actually Michael Todd now! I’m good. Just back home for a bit!” And then they’re going to say, “Are you still doing the music thing?!” And I’ll be like “Ya, here and there. I wore a leather jacket and a tie in my headshot so I came home to recover from that for a bit until I go on this new music and love game show that the producers of The Bachelor created even though nobody asked for it.” And they’ll be like, “Good luck!” and walk out of Starbucks with their wife because everyone in this town is already settled down!!
Natascha is a 33-year-old pop singer from Los Angeles who has two dogs named Solei and Frou Frou. That sounds like a character in a Will Ferrell movie. Like can you imagine going on a first date with someone who is 33 and says they sing pop?! And then they’re like, “Ughh you have to meet my two fur babies, Solei and Frou Frou!” To me, you’d have to be an heiress to some fortune for that story to make any sense. Like, you’d have to introduce me to your two throw pillow dogs and then look up and say, “That’s a painting of my family! My dad invented butter.” And then I’d trust your mental capabilities enough to leave Solei and Frou Frou for the bedroom.
Ruby is a 25-year-old indie pop singer who says she’s “Mississippi to the bone.” What does that mean? You’re last in education? Your bones are made of Mountain Dew? It’s always funny when someone takes a sweeping pride in their state. Sometimes they’ll use their state reputation as an excuse for every bad thing they do. People from New Jersey will puke pasta sauce on a roided-out guy with misspelled tattoos before having public sex and be like, “What?!? Jersey Strong!”
Rudi is a 24-year-old R&B/pop singer who “once waited for her ex-boyfriend to fall asleep, then used his finger to break into his phone (spoiler: receipts were found).” Shouldn’t the relationship end the minute you’re about to use a sleeping person’s finger to check their phone?! Like, let’s say Rudi didn’t find anything. Would she tell her boyfriend the next morning that she’s finding a therapist because she needs to work on her confidence?! That’s not what happens. Rudi would’ve kept looking until she found something so that she’d have a reason to move on from a relationship she wasn’t enjoying. This is what happens when a relationship is your goal. For people like Rudi, the world is either married people, people getting married, or people who can blame someone else for why they aren’t married yet. I could go on, but my girlfriend thinks I’m DMing someone anytime I look at my phone for too long. Aren’t relationships fun?!
Russell is a 26-year-old American folk singer from Indiana who is living in New York and teaching knife throwing and archery. That’s one of those biographies that you’d have to really explain to someone from 20 years ago. Like, “Well, in 2020 we have these guys. And they’re musicians that dress like cobblers from the 1800s. They don’t act like men from that era, though. They’ll openly call themselves feminists and they roll their eyes at white people while saying stuff like, “Ugh white people” even though they’re white. They teach archery and knife throwing. No, there’s no threat of wild animals in New York. This is what people do for fun. So these guys can throw a knife and an axe and shoot a bow and arrow but they don’t eat meat. Ya, 2020 is weird the whole country had to quarantine indefinitely but not everything is different. We still really care about how Britney Spears is doing.”
Ryan is a 28-year-old jazz/funk/pop/R&B singer who “is looking for someone who understands the unique challenges of dating an artist.” This quote can only mean that Ryan is going to be unbearable. He’s going to be the guy who takes that TikTok dance song, “Savage”, and makes it acoustic and then looks at the camera as if he’s the next Bob Dylan. I’m so mad that I’m going to be humming Rastafarian Savage while drinking a spiked seltzer this summer and I also can’t wait. Damn you, Ryan.
Savannah is a 25-year-old acoustic pop singer who “quit her job, packed her bags and moved to Nashville! It’s only been a few months, but she’s bringing the heat to Nashville’s music hot spots.” This statement is REALLY dressing up a pig. I’ve been to Nashville. You’re not playing the hot spots three months into the move. You’re playing a hotel lobby on Broadway during happy hour where a drunk girl at her bachelorette party is screaming that she can’t find the veil that goes with her cowboy hat. Savannah isn’t bringing the heat. She’s living in any normal person’s version of hell.
Sheridan is a 27-year-old R&B/soul pop singer who is visually jarring. If you’re wondering if he’s as hatable as he looks, then check out this quote from his bio: “Aside from playing guitar and working on his vocals, Sheridan enjoys reading about social sciences and diving into holistic remedies.”
Sheridan is the guy you followed on Instagram because he did a cool cover once. Then he’s posting about using tea tree oil as a replacement for Purell three days into a pandemic and you angrily unfollow. I keep imagining Sheridan putting his hair into a ponytail to drive my Uber and getting physically ill. Let’s move on.
Trevor is a 29-year-old country pop singer from LA who made it to the American Idol Top 25 in 2018. That American Idol top 25 DOES NOT get you very far. That was TWO years ago. You’d think that resume item would get you a couple years of touring or a contract with a label. Nope. Trevor still has that golden Hollywood ticket framed on his bedroom wall and he’s like, “So I just have to fake like I’m looking for love and maybe I’ll get enough Instagram followers to quit my day job?!? I’m in!”
Images: Maarten de Boer, Craig Sjodin / ABC
Due to the spread of COVID-19, a lot of things have been temporarily put on hold. I mean, the f*cking Olympics were postponed, so that’s when you know it’s real. Pretty much every industry has been affected by the pandemic, and TV is no exception. Production has been shut down across the board, with wide-ranging effects. Many current shows haven’t finished filming their seasons, pilots for the fall are now in peril, and who knows if we’re ever getting Clare’s season of The Bachelorette.
But while there are still more questions than answers when it comes to COVID-19’s effects on the TV landscape, not everything is terrible. There are plenty of shows premiering in the next month or so that were finished before society stopped happening, praise be. If you’ve finished Tiger King and are running out of ideas of what to binge next, here are the most important TV premieres that will help us get through quaran-times.
‘The Real Housewives Of New York City’ – 4/2
One of Bravo’s most iconic franchises is here to save us from our isolation spirals, and not a moment too soon. With Bethenny Frankel departing after season 11, it’ll be interesting to see what the vibe is this year, but these ladies are always a good time. This season will feature a new Housewife, an engagement, and no doubt, many sloppy drunk fights. Can’t wait!
‘How To Get Away With Murder’ – 4/2
After six seasons, Shonda Rhimes’ hit drama is coming to an end, and I’m sure it’ll go out with a bang. After a six-month break, the show’s final season picks back up in April for a six-episode “Farewell Event”. That sounds dramatic, but this show is always over the top. Viola Davis is one of the best actresses of her generation, and long-time fans will be eager to see how things end up. If you haven’t watched before, the first five seasons are available on Netflix, so get to work.
‘Chrissy’s Court’ – 4/6
The brand new Quibi streaming service is launching on April 6th, and there’s going to be plenty of content, but I already know what I’lll be watching first. In this comedy/reality show, Chrissy Teigen stars as the judge, and she’s hearing real small claims court cases. Her adorable mom also stars as the bailiff, because why not. I feel like this is going to be a mess, and I’m totally here for it. It’s still unclear when Tyler Cameron’s Barkitecture show is coming to Quibi, but hopefully it’s soon.
‘The Circle: France’ – 4/9
What’s better than watching people talk to themselves for 12 episodes? Watching it in a language you don’t understand! Netflix is dropping the French version of their hit show The Circle on April 9th, and I’m sure it’ll be just as entertaining as the American version. I just picture Joey Sasso speaking French, and I’ll be laughing for the next 30 minutes. Wow, I need human interaction. The Circle: Brazil is also available on Netflix now, so I don’t want to hear any complaints about waiting for season 2.
‘Insecure’ – 4/12
If you’re looking for something that’s not mind-numbing reality TV, Insecure returns for season 4 on HBO in just a couple weeks. Watching Issa and her crew of messy friends figure their sh*t out is an absolute treat, and if you’ve never watched, I highly recommend catching up now. The seasons are short! Also, the second episode of season 4 is titled “Lowkey Distant,” which is a big mood right now.
‘Killing Eve’ – 4/12
The good folks at BBC America and AMC know we’re dying of boredom right now, and they’re doing us a huge solid. The new season of Killing Eve will now premiere two weeks early, on April 12th. Considering that this show has been a massive critical success for its first two seasons, you should definitely mark your calendar for season 3. Sandra Oh has been a favorite since her Grey’s Anatomy days, and she and Jodie Comer are both incredible in this show. Thank goodness we don’t have to wait a full month for it anymore!
‘The Bachelor: Listen To Your Heart’ – 4/13
Okay, I promised I wasn’t going to watch this show, but desperate times might call for desperate TV viewing habits. Even if the trailer makes you cringe (same), Listen To Your Heart might be the only way to get your Bachelor fix for the foreseeable future. Aside from the initial postponement, ABC hasn’t made any announcements about The Bachelorette or Paradise yet, but it’s hard to imagine they won’t be delayed at the very least. With Listen To Your Heart, they basically took Jed Wyatt’s storyline and turned it into a whole show, because that sounds like a good idea. Whatever, it’s not like I have other plans.
‘Mrs. America’ – 4/15
You want prestige drama? Here you go. In this new FX on Hulu miniseries about the fight to ratify the Equal Rights Amendment, Cate Blanchett stars as anti-feminist, anti-abortion, anti-Equal Rights Amendment activist Phyllis Schlafly. But that’s not all. The show also stars Rose Byrne (as Gloria Steinem), Sarah Paulson, Uzo Aduba, and Elizabeth Banks. Serious bad bitch energy all around. I’ve been excited for this for months, and it has Emmys written all over it.
‘The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills’ – 4/15
Despite all the chaos in the world, Real Housewives fans are eating good for the next month. I mean, in a literal sense I’m eating ramen for every meal, but as Vicki Gunvalson would say, my Bravo love tank is full. The ladies of Beverly Hills are back for their 10th season, and while their last couple seasons have been lackluster, I’m cautiously optimistic that this year will be different. At least we know we have the Denise and Brandi saga to look forward to. Joining the cast this season is Garcelle Beauvais, who makes history as the first black cast member on the show. Smh, took long enough.
So even though April might be canceled, not all the shows are. And if you’re the type of person who has to binge, check out our comprehensive list of what to watch on Netflix here.
Images: Merie W. Wallace/HBO; Bravo, Netflix, Hulu, ABC, HBO, Quibi, BBC America / YouTube