Last week, I wrote about celebrities’ semi-permanent face enhancements. As you all pointed out in the comments, celebrities enhance more than their faces—so I’m back, and today we’re talking about butts. Having a big butt is the 2013 and beyond Holy Grail of hotness, so it’s unsurprising that butt enhancements have skyrocketed in recent years. It’s a Kardashian world, and we’re all just living in it. So, for those of you squinting at the waist-to-hip ratio in your IG feed and screaming “HOW” into the void, here’s a rundown of butt enhancements available (and who’s admitted to having them).
What Butt Enhancement Procedures Are Available?
If you’re looking to surgically revamp your butt (a phrase I never thought I’d write), you have three basic options. A traditional butt lift involves removing any sagging/excess skin, maybe a little fat, and all around “lifting” the area, as the name implies. Then there’s butt implant surgery, which involves placing a silicone implant on each butt cheek. Finally, there’s the “Brazilian Butt Lift,” which involves grafting fat from other parts of your body via liposuction and then re-adding it to your butt.
The Brazilian Butt Lift is increasingly popular for a few reasons. Implants have a higher complication rate, which makes sense. I’d rather keep my body as silicone-free as possible. Patients are more likely to experience pain and infection, and are banned from sitting directly on the implant for several weeks after the procedure because the placement can shift. (TBH I’m having trouble figuring out how this even works. Do you sleep face down? Are your legs freakishly strong from standing all day for three weeks? I’m exhausted just thinking about it.) Regular butt lifts don’t have these implant-specific issues, but in an age where you’re really trying to maximize size, a lift won’t quite have that effect. So, the “all natural” shifting of fat from other parts of your body is becoming the most popular procedure.
And while Brazilian Butt Lifts are sold as the “safer” option, this procedure also poses a risk of severe complications. Fluid buildup, infection, and pain are all common, not to mention possible complications from anesthesia. Finally, all butt procedures require not sitting down for a while after—and they each cost several thousand dollars. Paying money for the privilege of not sitting down sounds like my daily commute, but whatever.
A quick reminder of the reason we’re all getting these procedures:
What About Butt Injections Specifically?
But wait! You’ve probably heard about butt injections too, because it’s 2018 and there’s little that a carefully placed syringe can’t fix. (Except the economy, American democracy, and, oh yeah, your butt. Sorry!) I’m not including injections with the other procedure because for the most part, these are unapproved procedures with huge risk factors.
You may have heard Cardi B’s horror story of getting synthetic filler injected into her butt in someone’s basement. The aftermath included crazy pain and five days of “leakage.” But in the grand scheme of things, it sounds like she got off easy. The reason these procedures are so dangerous is that injectable silicone can break off into small pieces and spread through the body. Your body can react to these bits of silicone with an inflammatory response, creating chunks of hard tissue around the silicone bits. Or you can get a more serious infection that requires a surgeon individually draining “the pus and stray clumps of silicone” floating around your butt. Finally, it can lead to a stroke, embolism, or even death if the silicone continues to move through your body unchecked.
Read all that and still want butt injections? God help you There’s something called Sculptra injections. The intended use of this product is for smoothing facial wrinkles, and it hasn’t been approved for butt enhancement specifically. Nonetheless, some surgeons are using watered-down versions of the filler and injecting it into their patients’ butts for a “gradual volume” effect. The procedure sounds much less intense—only a few minutes, no anesthesia—but still costs several thousand dollars and only lasts 1-2 years. Plus, some patients have reported “dimply skin and uneven results,” which sounds to me like they just paid to have cellulite injected.
OK, Who Has Them?
Well, this question’s honestly a bit trickier to answer. While I complained in my last article about celebs not disclosing their facial treatments enough, butt enhancements are wrapped in a whole other shroud of secrecy. For every one celeb claiming their flawless skin is a result of clean eating and wearing sunscreen, we have 10 more swearing their backsides tripled in size just from a new squat regimen. TL;DR everyone thinks at least Kim Kardashian, if not all Kardashians, have gotten butt augmentation, but no one will admit it.
Celebs who have admitted to it are Cardi B, as outlined above, and surprisingly, Heidi Montag. This was in her marathon 24 hours of plastic surgery back in 2010, which unsurprisingly went super poorly—to the extent that she legally DIED for a full minute. Like, Spencer was told in the waiting room, “she’s not going to make it.” I digress. The laundry list of surgeries she underwent included butt augmentation (unclear what type).
Other celebs who have admitted to butt procedures are D-List are rare, but I’ll give you the names in case you care. Kailyn Lowry from Teen Mom 2, “Queen of Porn” Jenna Jameson, Playboy playmates Kristina and Karissa Shannon, Renee Graziano from Mob Wives, and Only Way Is Essex star Chloe Sims. Not too many surprises there.
As with any kind of beauty treatment, I’m all for doing whatever makes you feel good. But as I’ve said before, I start having an issue when celebs claim their results were achieved through natural means. It’s annoying, it’s obviously a lie, and it makes the people who actually spend hours in the gym squatting—and not achieving those same results—feel bad. Also, in the case of butt augmentation, I’d argue that the risks often outweigh the reward. Not to mention, what are all these people with butt implants going to do in five years when big butts go out of style? At the VERY least, never, ever get injections from unlicensed practitioners—horror stories are frequent and gory.
Images: Giphy (3)
As Cady Heron once said, it turns out there can be a lot wrong on your body. No duh. In addition to man shoulders, awk hairlines, shitty nail beds, and really bad breath in the morning, there’s also every woman’s worst nightmare: cellulite. *Cue groaning and screaming.* While some of us may have it more than others, chances are pretty likely that we all suffer from it in one way or another, whether it be on our thighs, backs, or butts. Since we can’t have nice things like, ever, unfortunately burning Starbucks calories on the treadmill doesn’t get rid of the tragedy completely. Besides getting liposuction because some of us are still letting our parents pay our phone bill don’t have Kardashian money, here are a few ways to reduce cellulite on your own—none of which require a needle and are super easy, quick, and painless. Bless.
1. Dry Brushing
If your guilty pleasure is bingeing KUWTK while hungover every Sunday like it is for me, then you’d know that they use this remedy, too. You might look v weird doing this in front of others, so I suggest you don’t do in front of your fuckboy just yet. Dry brushing improves blood circulation which in turn, supposedly reduces cellulite. While your skin is dry, rub a brush (hence the name) on the areas that have the most cellulite for about five minutes. Shower afterwards to get the gross stuff off and keep this up daily before showering to start seeing results. Be sure the brush is made with natural fibers like The Bathery Dry Brush.
2. Ground Coffee Exfoliant
Turns out, our coffee addiction can be a good thing when it comes to erasing any evidence of cellulite. Since drinking coffee alone helps increase blood circulation, so does using actual coffee grounds as a scrub. The caffeine will tighten your skin while also plumping and hydrating it, so the appearance of cellulite is ultimately reduced. Opt for one like the natural granulated Babe Coffee Body Scrub.
3. Serum Eraser
Usually, using creams takes a million years to see obvious results. However, a treatment targeted towards cellulite such as Clarins Body Fit Anti-Cellulite Contouring Expert works like a charm just after a few weeks. Made from natural plant extracts, the cream gel lifts, firms, and smooths specific areas, like your hips and thighs, for visibly tighter skin.
4. DIY Body Wrap
I always promote apple cider vinegar for skin care, because although it may not smell pretty, it has literally never failed me. For a more DIY approach because we’re all too lazy to leave the house, mix this vinegar and water together. Rub on targeted areas and when you’re done, wrap the area with like, Saran wrap and place a warm compress on top. Watch an episode of This Is Us or whatever your current binge is, and remove and rinse. Repeat until that shit disappears.
5. Detox Smoothie
First of all, everyone loves smoothies. They’re the only things that make us feel better about not committing to our SoulCycle class, and like, they go great with alcohol. Win-fucking-win. By drinking a lot of Vitamin C, your body will eliminate toxins v quickly and improve your blood circulation—the key to reducing cellulite. A delicious combo of basically any (or all) berries, kiwi, and pineapple will speed up the production of elastin and collagen.
