Nothing says more about my personality than a dark, vampy lip. I mean, do I own other lip colors? Yes. But do those other colors accurately describe my cold, dead heart? Fuckkk no. That’s not to say that I don’t buy a shit ton of lip products in every shade of the rainbow. I will buy anything that any celebrity only slightly endorses because I am a garbage human. And while I do love throwing my hard earned money at people who make millions of dollars by taking selfies for Instagram with, like, a bottle of Sugar Bear Hair somewhere in a very corner of the frame *cough* KYLIE *cough*, I also value being able to eat and afford rent. So for those of you who want to look good AND avoid living in a cardboard box, here are 8 lip products that are better than Kylie Lip Kits (a bold statement, I know).
BEST PLUMPING LIP PRODUCT
It’s a hard world out there for a girl working with the lips she was born with. Take it from me, someone who is 100 percent silicone- and filler-free, and also someone who does not have Instagram sponsors lining up for me to pimp out their products. Coincidence? I don’t fucking think so. So thank god for Soap & Glory’s Sexy Mother Pucker Lip Gloss. We’ve repped this shit before but that’s because it fucking works. I’m not saying using this product will give you an Instagram ad endorsement deal, but I’m also saying it won’t give you an Instagram ad endorsement deal. Seriously. It won’t. But it will make your lips rival somewhat resemble that of a Kardashian’s and that’s really all I ask for in this life.
BEST LONG LASTING LIPSTICK
There’s not a lot that can outlast me when I’m blackout except maybe the texts I sent my ex last night. But Rimmel London’s Provocalips 16 Hour Kiss Proof Lipcolor certainly gives me and my bad decision-making skills a run for my money. This shit could last through a nuclear bomb or, conversely, six vodka sodas, a drunken makeout session with the bro I matched with on Bumble, and an unattractive amount of Joe’s Pizza. Give or take. What it won’t outlast? A night in your bed. Expect to wake up with this shit all over your face but, hey, at least you have flawless lips in your Insta story.
BEST MATTE & LIP CREAM
NYX Soft Matte Lip Cream is the beauty product that I can only imagine keeps Kris Jenner up at night. Literally everyone is saying that this shit is just like Kylie’s Lip Kits, but instead of risking your life at a pop-up shop or camping out in front of your laptop to spend the rest of your rent check on blue fucking lipstick that you will never ever wear, you can grab a tube of NYX for a cool $5.99 at any local CVS or Ulta or whatever. Idk if you can fake that kind of good publicity, Kris.
Seriously though, this product is winning at life and that’s why it’s the best matte and lip cream. It’s got highly pigmented colors and a long-lasting finish, plus it glides on better than Demario sliding into Rachel’s DMs. Sorry, Kylizzle, you may not want to cross sex tape off your list of potential business ventures just yet.
BEST LIP GLOSS
A few weeks ago someone was feeling v nostalgic at The W and gave Paris Hilton a voice to tell everyone that not only did she create the Kardashians but also literally everything we like wearing. According to Paris the ‘90s trend is officially over and the ‘00s are back in. So I guess I’ll just go dig my Juicy tracksuit out of storage now. Can someone please tell the very condescending girl at Plato’s Closet that this was never out of style to begin with?? But now that the ‘00s are back and better than ever so too is lip gloss and you definitely need to try L’Oréal Paris Infallible 6HR Never-Fail Lip Gloss. At $11 is v cheap and it’ll low-key make you look like Rachel Lindsay on night one of The Bachelorette before she started wondering why she put being a lawyer on hold in favor of being courted by a grown man who refers to himself as “whaboom.”
BEST NUDE LIPS
Leave it to a model to come up with the best nudes. And just to clarify, I’m not talking about the kind of nudes they’re sending Leo rn in an attempt to become his next serious girlfriend a girl he’ll date until she ages out turns 25. I’m talking about lip shades. And if you thought I wouldn’t make a joke about models and nudes because that’s kind of seemed like low-hanging fruit just there, then you don’t know me at all. ANYWAY, Rimmel London’s Kate Moss Nude Collection is the best in the game if you’re looking for a nude lip color. It has a semi-matte finish, but it’s also v hydrating and you’ll find your perfect shade every goddamn time.
BEST DAY TO NIGHT
If you know anything about me it’s that my transformation from office professional to Happy Hour Hoe is something that should legit be listed under the “skills” section of my resume. And E.L.F Day to Night Lipstick Duo is def being added to that transformation process ASAP. It’s a dual-ended lipstick, with one end a work appropriate day shade and the other end a bolder color for night time shenanigans. The velvety satin formula is enriched with Shea and Vitamins A, C, and E to keep your lips nourished and hydrated throughout all the shit you’re bound to put them through. But I care less about that and more about the fact that I can buy two lip products for the price of one because I’m just a cheap asshole at heart.
HONORABLE MENTION: Milani Color Statement Lipstick
You’ll recognize this product because it looks sketchy AF and, even though online it says it costs $5.99, I swear I’ve never paid more than $2 for this shit. Whether that’s from me and my great bargaining skills with the cashier at CVS or because this product is legit never marked at full price is neither here nor there. Just know that Milani will save your life work in a pinch and plus they have sooo many dark wine colors that speak to my soul.
Another season of The Bachelorette premiered last night, and I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief that Rachel left those fugly-ass mustard colored shorts at home. Though I would bet my brunch reservations that we have not seen the last of those monstrosities. My guess is she brings those out right before hometown dates as a test to see which of the men will break their ABC contracts to avoid being seen with a grown woman wearing yellow cut-offs. Smart, Rachel. V smart.
I will say that Rachel looked flawless last night. Like, if my life were as put together as those barrel curls then I would not be anonymously roasting people on the internet rn. Sighs. I guess we all have our crosses to bear. But back to Rachel looking fine AF. She chose to go the traditional Bachelorette route with classic barrel curls, glossy lips, and a dress that shines brighter than Nick’s dancing career. Which is really a relief because Nick’s season of The Bachelor was ratchet AF and I was low-key nervous that Christen might have DM’d Rachel on Instagram trying to make cheetah patterned headbands happen.
Stop trying to make animal print happen, CHRISTEN. It’s never going to happen. Now please go back to the suburban mall you crawled out of.
Thank GOD Rachel wasn’t led astray by Nick’s rejects trolling for more Instagram followers any members of her squad. And because I’m literally obsessed with her look from last night I’ve detailed all the ways to steal her look so you too can be courted by tickle monsters and psychos who only speak to people through a doll. Blessings.
The Hair
Rachel’s hair was on point last night and it was all because she brought out the classic barrel curls, a staple among the Bachelor Nation community. Barrel curls is a look that screams “I’m ready for love” or, more accurately, “I’m ready to spend the next 3-5 years swapping STD’s with failed cast members of a network reality show.” *cough* NICK *cough* If that’s what you want your hair to say about you too, then you should definitely invest in Hot Tools 1″ Flipperless Gold Curling Wand. It’s great for faking salon style hair (though no one tell my stylist Susi this, I’m worried she might tell the powers that be to make me wait another 3 months to book an appointment at that godforsaken place) and it’s got a ton of temperature settings so you won’t sabotage your hair.
The Eyes
If there’s one thing Bachelor Nation has taught me, it’s that you will never get any screen time with your own eyelashes. Nope, not gonna happen. If you want to make 31 men embarrass themselves on national television fall in love with you after 3.5 seconds of meeting you, then you’re gonna need eyelash extensions. It’s the only way. Getting eyelash extensions is a process and there’s tons of shit that goes into choosing the best ones for you personally, but if you’re feeling the need to treat yourself waste your paycheck then you should def waste it on One Two Cosmetics magnetic lash extensions. They’re relatively cheap as far as eyelash extensions go and SUPER easy to use. Like, easy enough that even The Twins could figure it out, so there’s really no excuse not to buy this shit.
The Lips
Night one every Bachelorette tries to play it safe with their makeup lest they scare any potential suitors off with a bold lip. It’s boring and safe but Chad would have murdered Jordan Rodgers and his whole family night one had he seen Jordan walking around with red lipstick all over his face. Your go-to is going to be L’ORÉAL Paris Infallible Never Fail Lipgloss. It’s not super pricey and its staying power is longer than that grotesque kiss Bryan, 37, Chiropractor gave Rachel.
The Dress
THANK GOD someone gave this girl a stylist, because I was super nervous Rachel would fuck up her dress choice if left to her own devices. For a smart girl with a law degree she sure knows how to pick the cheapest dress in a department store clearance section. Case in point:
Is it a romper? A dress? A tribal printed garbage bag to match her suitors’ personalities? It’s really hard to tell. That being said, she chose a gorgeous—albeit basic—sparkly floor length gown that did not, shockingly, show off her cleavage but did show off the fact that she is classy AF. And because we don’t all have giant-ass mansions to test 31 men’s affection in, I’ve chosen a more casual version for you to use for your own purposes. This ASOS ‘90s inspired cami dress is perfect for a fancier date night or a Saturday DTF night, depending on what you’re into. Either way you’re going to look and feel like you’re better than everyone else and that’s really all you should strive for in an outfit.
And there you have it. You’re now ready for your own season of The Bachelorette, unless you don’t have enough of an Instagram following or you have more of a personality than a lightly salted cracker, in which case you’re just ready for Bumble. Similar to The Bachelorette, but with less dates that end in contractually obligated engagements and more dates ending in “would you like to split the bill?” May the odds be ever in your favor, ladies.
