As we all know by now, this week has been a pretty crazy time in the Kardashian-verse. We’ve always known that Tristan Thompson had a hard time keeping it in his pants, as evidenced by last year, when he publicly cheated on his very-pregnant girlfriend Khloé Kardashian. This week, 2019 Tristan told 2018 Tristan to hold his beer, and then f*cked things up in a way that I’m still just beginning to wrap my head around. We’ve all heard that he’s been dumped by Khloé after hooking up with Kylie’s BFF Jordyn Woods, but I really think he’s just doing fine. The silver lining for Tristan is obvious: he can walk away from a relationship that he clearly wasn’t that invested in anyway, and all he really has to worry about is if he’ll ever be allowed to see his daughter again (he will). Aside from that, Tristan is doing just fiiiiiine right now.
But, as it turns out, there might be a silver lining in all this drama for Jordyn, too! Her little bonus comes in the form of sweet, sweet Instagram followers. Before the news broke, she was at around 8 million followers. Now, she’s at 8.5 million, and still growing. Guys, all of us millenial degenerates have been wasting our time posting boomerangs of clinking champagne glasses and #OOTDS with dumbass hashtags like #VSCO or #mood. Turns out the entire time, we could’ve just slept with Tristan Thompson if we wanted some more followers. And if we’ve learned anything from this situation, it’s that Tristan Thompson will sleep with anyone. Plus, it doesn’t hurt that he’s 6’10, is in shape, and is 6’10. Sorry, I just can’t stop thinking about the fact that he’s 6’10.
So, if all else fails, at least it looks like Jordyn will still be able to pull in some pretty decent #spon opportunities based on her follower count alone. However, it must sting for Jordyn that it looks like Kylie Jenner has already replaced her. Since the drama broke, Kylie has just been…well…Kylie. No passive aggressive “inspirational” quotes or speaking out for her own flesh and blood. At first it was just selfies and hawking her makeup line, but there’s been an interesting development this evening. Kylie just posted a video to her story of herself with an anonymous friend. We do see some features that TOTALLY resemble Jordyn’s (crazy fake nails, killer curves), but other than that, the chick is borderline unidentifiable. However, a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it giveaway is that this new Jordyn clone doesn’t have Jordyn’s infamous gap teeth. DUN DUN DUN.
IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION ABOUT THIS JORDYN IMPOSTER, PLEASE COMMENT BELOW:
I mean, that sucks if you’re Jordyn Woods, but Kylie is 1000% intentionally making us guess whether or not it’s Jordyn by obsessively watching the vid to the point where I feel like I’m Penn Badgley in You. But Kylie is making a grave mistake. If we’ve learned anything from The Devil Wears Prada, it’s that you should always hire the dowdy, adult virgin who shops at Talbots to be your assistant/friend. Right now, Kylie shouldn’t be surrounding herself with Jordyn Woods lookalikes, because that’s just going to cause more trouble. Personally, I would love to be her new best friend/bitch, if applications are still open.
For now, it seems like everyone in this equation is doing okay, but keep in mind that we haven’t actually heard from Jordyn Woods yet. Her follower count might be going up rapidly, but she’s still stuck sleeping on her mom’s couch at the end of the day. At least now, she can buy some lip kits from her Kylie collaboration at a steep discount!
Images: Shutterstock; @kyliejenner / Instagram
If you’ve been anywhere on the internet, you’ve heard the news of Kylie’s Forbes cover—and seen the immediate backlash. Personally, I had mixed feelings about it. I definitely stan for the Kardashians (and Kylie in particular). But I also bristle at the suggestion that they got to where they are through hard work and perseverance. TBH, most of the reason I worship them is because they have the option of doing the exact opposite. If I found people who worked hard to be inspirational, that would imply I wanted to work hard myself. Nope. I’d like to be born into a family of millionaires, doctor my face into submission, and make thousands of dollars off each selfie I Instagram. Isn’t that the American dream?
So, given that Kylie did basically exactly that, I both applaud her successes and scoff at the mention of her being “self-made.” But when I dug deeper into the story—and the backlash—I was admittedly surprised at what I found. (*Lights cigarette and squints à la Carrie Bradshaw*) I couldn’t help but wonder: Would Kylie have gotten all this backlash if she were a man?
What Did Kylie Really Achieve?
In researching this article, I did something I suspect many detractors did not. I actually read the Forbes article, and I learned some surprising things. First of all, Kim (age 37) is worth $350 million—compared to Kylie’s (age 20) estimated $900 million. To be worth 2.5 times the OG Kardashian is all kinds of impressive.
Second, Kylie Jenner trademarked the name Kylie Lip Kits at only 17 years old. This brings me to the point I’m really interested in. Apparently, Kylie trademarked the name in August 2014. According to this handy timeline, she first began denying rumors that she got lip injections in March 2014. This means two things. Within months of injecting her lips, she decided that her business would be based on selling women (non-injected) lip products. That’s BOLD. Also, she then admitted to getting lip injections in May 2015. Basically, announcing to the world: “I don’t think makeup alone can make your lips look good—but here are some of my fave makeup looks for $29 dollars each, available November!” And THEN she proceeds to sell out her first-ever launch in under a minute.
Sure, the accumulated wealth to launch the company (and buy those injections) wasn’t self-made at all. But she literally designed and purchased her own lips and then built a cosmetic brand based exclusively on said lips. The only way that could be more self-made was if she handled the syringe herself.
How Does She Compare To Other Self-Made Billionaires?
When compared with other self-made billionaires, the difference in the Kardashian clan is noteworthy. While many others came from privileged backgrounds, Kardashian wealth is extreme. Not to mention the fact that they literally broadcast that wealth, and so have an audience at the ready. So, all these factors play into the swift rebuke of the term “self-made.”
And yet. Much of the same criticism launched at Kylie is applicable, in other forms, to her fellow billionaires. Co-founder of Snapchat Evan Spiegel, who grew up in Pacific Palisades—the 4th wealthiest neighborhood in LA, and home to plenty of celebs—got a Cadillac as a 16th birthday present, went to a celeb-studded “ultra-exclusive” school, and took helicopters to family ski trips. His introduction to the tech world was assisted by his father’s alumni status at Stanford, his insider access through “family friends,” and countless other helping hands. Spiegel himself has acknowledged his privilege as a “young, white, educated male,” adding that “life isn’t fair.” Hurts to hear, but hella true.
So, What’s The Real Difference?
For one, there is the legitimate difference in amount of wealth and available publicity, which I acknowledged above. But, there’s also the fact that Spiegel, for all his self-awareness, can make statements like that because no one else is calling his status into question. People might argue about whether or not he’s an ass, but so far, no one’s balked at the idea that he’s self-made. Even the article I link to above, including all the details on his privileged early life, includes no direct suggestion that he didn’t earn his success beyond including Spiegel’s own quotes. The charmed life, the wealthy parents, and the parade of expensive cars are seen as little more than details about how lucky this self-made billionaire happens to be.
Per the dictionary’s shadily announced definition yesterday, self-made means “having succeeded in life unaided.” Evan Spiegel was not unaided. Donald Trump was not unaided—remember his father’s “small” million-dollar loan? Mark Zuckerberg was not unaided—he, too, has publicly stated that “you don’t get to be successful like this just by being hard working or having a good idea.” He even explicitly adds that if he’d “had to support family” or “didn’t know be fine if Facebook didn’t work out,” he’d never have made it. Sure, they may have been LESS aided—but privilege is privilege, and most of the self-made billionaires you’ll see on any list had a lot of it.
Is It Sexist Tho?
So, is it low-key sexist that the public only riots when Kylie’s included on this list? That only Kylie is demanded to actively downplay her own achievements, while male counterparts are lauded as shrewd and self-aware for acknowledging their circumstances? Yeah, kinda. Sadly, Kylie doesn’t fit the public image of what a young self-made billionaire should be. We’ve been bred to expect nerdy white boys in turtlenecks, and we don’t question their credentials if they fit the bill. But throw a stunner like Kylie on the cover of Forbes, and people go nuts trying to justify their worldview. While there is some merit to questioning how much “self-made” applies to Kylie Jenner, it’s a shame that only Kylie Jenner has provoked that insistent questioning, and not the privileged young men who came before her.
Images: Giphy (3)
Nothing says more about my personality than a dark, vampy lip. I mean, do I own other lip colors? Yes. But do those other colors accurately describe my cold, dead heart? Fuckkk no. That’s not to say that I don’t buy a shit ton of lip products in every shade of the rainbow. I will buy anything that any celebrity only slightly endorses because I am a garbage human. And while I do love throwing my hard earned money at people who make millions of dollars by taking selfies for Instagram with, like, a bottle of Sugar Bear Hair somewhere in a very corner of the frame *cough* KYLIE *cough*, I also value being able to eat and afford rent. So for those of you who want to look good AND avoid living in a cardboard box, here are 8 lip products that are better than Kylie Lip Kits (a bold statement, I know).
BEST PLUMPING LIP PRODUCT
It’s a hard world out there for a girl working with the lips she was born with. Take it from me, someone who is 100 percent silicone- and filler-free, and also someone who does not have Instagram sponsors lining up for me to pimp out their products. Coincidence? I don’t fucking think so. So thank god for Soap & Glory’s Sexy Mother Pucker Lip Gloss. We’ve repped this shit before but that’s because it fucking works. I’m not saying using this product will give you an Instagram ad endorsement deal, but I’m also saying it won’t give you an Instagram ad endorsement deal. Seriously. It won’t. But it will make your lips
rival somewhat resemble that of a Kardashian’s and that’s really all I ask for in this life.
BEST LONG LASTING LIPSTICK
There’s not a lot that can outlast me when I’m blackout except maybe the texts I sent my ex last night. But Rimmel London’s Provocalips 16 Hour Kiss Proof Lipcolor certainly gives me and my bad decision-making skills a run for my money. This shit could last through a nuclear bomb or, conversely, six vodka sodas, a drunken makeout session with the bro I matched with on Bumble, and an unattractive amount of Joe’s Pizza. Give or take. What it won’t outlast? A night in your bed. Expect to wake up with this shit all over your face but, hey, at least you have flawless lips in your Insta story.
BEST MATTE & LIP CREAM
NYX Soft Matte Lip Cream is the beauty product that I can only imagine keeps Kris Jenner up at night. Literally everyone is saying that this shit is just like Kylie’s Lip Kits, but instead of risking your life at a pop-up shop or camping out in front of your laptop to spend the rest of your rent check on blue fucking lipstick that you will never ever wear, you can grab a tube of NYX for a cool $5.99 at any local CVS or Ulta or whatever. Idk if you can fake that kind of good publicity, Kris.
Seriously though, this product is winning at life and that’s why it’s the best matte and lip cream. It’s got highly pigmented colors and a long-lasting finish, plus it glides on better than Demario sliding into Rachel’s DMs. Sorry, Kylizzle, you may not want to cross sex tape off your list of potential business ventures just yet.
BEST LIP GLOSS
A few weeks ago someone was feeling v nostalgic at The W and gave Paris Hilton a voice to tell everyone that not only did she create the Kardashians but also literally everything we like wearing. According to Paris the ‘90s trend is officially over and the ‘00s are back in. So I guess I’ll just go dig my Juicy tracksuit out of storage now. Can someone please tell the very condescending girl at Plato’s Closet that this was never out of style to begin with?? But now that the ‘00s are back and better than ever so too is lip gloss and you definitely need to try L’Oréal Paris Infallible 6HR Never-Fail Lip Gloss. At $11 is v cheap and it’ll low-key make you look like Rachel Lindsay on night one of The Bachelorette before she started wondering why she put being a lawyer on hold in favor of being courted by a grown man who refers to himself as “whaboom.”
BEST NUDE LIPS
Leave it to a model to come up with the best nudes. And just to clarify, I’m not talking about the kind of nudes they’re sending Leo rn in an attempt to become his
next serious girlfriend a girl he’ll date until she ages out turns 25. I’m talking about lip shades. And if you thought I wouldn’t make a joke about models and nudes because that’s kind of seemed like low-hanging fruit just there, then you don’t know me at all. ANYWAY, Rimmel London’s Kate Moss Nude Collection is the best in the game if you’re looking for a nude lip color. It has a semi-matte finish, but it’s also v hydrating and you’ll find your perfect shade every goddamn time.
BEST DAY TO NIGHT
If you know anything about me it’s that my transformation from office professional to Happy Hour Hoe is something that should legit be listed under the “skills” section of my resume. And E.L.F Day to Night Lipstick Duo is def being added to that transformation process ASAP. It’s a dual-ended lipstick, with one end a work appropriate day shade and the other end a bolder color for night time shenanigans. The velvety satin formula is enriched with Shea and Vitamins A, C, and E to keep your lips nourished and hydrated throughout all the shit you’re bound to put them through. But I care less about that and more about the fact that I can buy two lip products for the price of one because I’m just a cheap asshole at heart.
HONORABLE MENTION: Milani Color Statement Lipstick
You’ll recognize this product because it looks sketchy AF and, even though online it says it costs $5.99, I swear I’ve never paid more than $2 for this shit. Whether that’s from me and my great bargaining skills with the cashier at CVS or because this product is legit never marked at full price is neither here nor there. Just know that Milani will save your life work in a pinch and plus they have sooo many dark wine colors that speak to my soul.
Sgt. Olivia Betchson, Senior Conspiracy Theorist here. I’ve been covering this Kardashian pregnancy fiasco since day one—okay, day two because day one was during Rosh Hashanah and I was celebrating the Jewish New Year with my family, persecute me—and I’ve always said that I do not for one second believe that Kylie Jenner is pregnant. Is part of that just willful thinking because I love Travis Scott’s music and think he’s too talented to be tied to Kylie Jenner for the next 18 years and suffer the Kardashian Kurse? Yes, definitely. But it’s also because I just cannot believe that Kris Jenner would allow this to happen. At first the rumors seemed like a pretty obvious ploy for ratings for the Kardashian 10th anniversary special. But as the special came and went and we heard no word from
Kylie’s camp Kris, it seemed more and more likely that Kylie was, in fact, pregnant. But now, I have pretty definitive proof as to why Kylie has yet to deny the rumors: Kylie is releasing five new lip kit colors for fall. And boom goes the dynamite.
Yes, I did just insinuate that Kylie is keeping false pregnancy rumors afloat for the sole purpose of selling lip kits. Don’t act like she, or any member of the Kardashian family, is not above that. And my position is only strengthened when you look at these so-called “new” lip kit colors. Check ’em out.
The colors are, from left to right: Autumn, a muted coral; Libra, a light, almost white pink (Kylie, how dare you blaspheme my zodiac sign for this monstrosity of a color); Butternut, look with your pretty little eyes; Hazel, also self-evident; and Wicked, this bright-ass purple. And the reason I say that these colors support the theory that this is all a publicity stunt is because LOOK AT THEM. You’ve got, from right to left this time:
1. A crazy purple color that nobody in their right mind would drop $30 on to wear once on Halloween
(P.S. If you’re not horrified by this lip color, you should buy Colourpop’s Zipper or Guess—they’re basically the same shit and only will have you out $5 when you put it on and realize you look kinda crazy.)
2. A color that’s basically one shade slightly off from every other nude lip kit (I would know, I own at least 3)
3. This unfortunate event that makes you look diseased
Like, that’s what my lips look like right after I puke, why would I willingly slather that all over my lips? Somebody kindly let me know.
4. This color, which you cannot tell me ISN’T a repackaged lip kit from the KKW Beauty x Kylie Cosmetics collab. Seriously, here’s Libra:
And here’s a promo photo from Kylie and Kim’s lip kit collaboration.
IT’S A SCAM. And finally, we have…
5. The poor man’s Brown Sugar, aka Autumn. Again, for reference, here are Kylie and Jordyn wearing Autum:
And here we have the Brown Sugar swatch.
What more proof do you need that this whole pregnancy was made up to sell bad lip kit colors nobody would otherwise buy unless they felt like they were helping out an almost-teen mom? None, I say. None. I rest my case and will be awaiting my Pulitzer Prize for investigatory journalism.
I may be a professional Kylie Jenner hater, but damn do I love me some lip kits. They come in cute colors (and some not-so cute colors—lookin’ at you, Skylie). They stay on for-fucking-ever. They’re pretty good quality for the price, even if the liner never does sharpen back to its original pointy-ness. But no more. I, Sgt. Olivia Betchson (my real name) will never again purchase a Kylie Lip Kit because of a new discovery that proves Kylie’s been deceiving us, her
loyal fans paying customers, this entire time. Strap on your fucking seat belts, because this scandal is bigger than Fyre Festival. Possibly even bigger than Watergate. Are you ready?
Kylie doesn’t use her arm for her swatches. That’s right, every time you’ve seen a new Instagram or Snapchat announcing Kylie’s new colors with those famous swatches all the way down her arm? IT WASN’T KYLIE’S ARM. The betrayal. The humanity! You think you know a person and their arm, and then you find out you’ve been totally played the entire time. How can I trust a makeup product when that product’s own founder won’t test it on their skin? And is that why all the lip kits I ordered after that buy one, get one half off sale looked way darker in person than they looked in the swatches? IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE?!
I know what you’re thinking, because I’m thinking it too:
Can I get a refund? Then whose arm is it?? Her housekeeper. “She has the best arm for swatches,” Kylie says. What does that mean? Does she have the perfect complexion that’s somehow translatable to all skin tones? A completely hairless arm? Not even! “She’s so nice and just sits there and has her arm ready and lets me do my thing.” So… all it takes to be Kylie’s arm swatch model is the ability to sit still for the length of time it takes to make a Snapchat—about 10 seconds. Good to know… *furiously updates resume*
I think I’m not at all overreacting when I say that if Kylie’s willing to deceive us about who’s modeling her swatches, what else is she lying to us about? Can we really trust her or her makeup products ever again? Truthfully, you all do what you want, but personally? I’m not ready to get hurt again. I’ll be boycotting all of Kylie’s products until future notice. This has everything to do with this lip kit revelation, and nothing to do with the fact that I’m currently broke.
Because it’s the year 2017 and people will do literally anything for an Instagram like, I’m being pushed to the fucking edge with makeup trends these days. Fucking barbed wire eyebrows? Glitter butts? Grown women buying Unicorn Snot? No, no, no, no. That’s it. Trendsetting is cancelled, it’s done. None of you bitches can be trusted.
But if I thought people couldn’t be trusted to discern a real beauty trend from a moronic one, then I really shouldn’t be surprised that people are fucking up their lip color. Because nothing pisses me off more than seeing people try and be “bold” with their lipstick. I know they say the eyes are the window to the soul, but have you ever seen how good I look in a dark purple lipstick? That says wayyy more about my soul then the cat eye I fucked up this morning. That being said, there are some lip colors you should never wear. Like, ever. So buckle up because I have a feeling this might be a rude awakening for some of you bitches. Here are the 5 lip colors you should never be caught dead in:
1. Baby Blue
Jesus, why do you test my patience like this? I’m a good person. I go to work most days, I never go to the gym, and I only drink
on the weekends. So why does my extra AF friend always show up to happy hour looking like she just sucked off a Smurf? I will never understand why beauty companies even thought to manufacture this color. Even Kylie cannot make this color look good, and that should say something to you. Like, pastels barely look good as clothing on my body, much less as the fucking focal point on my face. Avoid this color at all costs lest you end up an Internet meme.
2. Electric Orange
I’m not going to call anyone out here *cough* Selena Gomez *cough* but someone is trying to make orange happen and they are seriously disturbed. Perhaps she’s trying to prove that she’s just as much of an artist as The Weekend so that’s why she’s made the color orange her pet project for the summer, but you can give it up, Selena, because over my dead body will I let orange lip color become a trend. Selena isn’t the only person who’s delusional, though. Several beauty sites are calling orange the “hottest color” of spring 2017 and each and every one of those sites are getting a spot in my personal burn book. Let me just be clear here people: Orange looks good on NO ONE. Only wear this color if you want me to
mock write about you in future articles.
3. Any Shade Of Green
I made a case for dark green lip color once upon a time but that was in the name of a V important drinking holiday and you really can’t take anything I say seriously when I’m trying to match my outfit to a themed drinking event. Like the above Smurf comment I made, people will sure as hell talk shit about you if you show up to the bar looking like you’ve got a fungus growing on your lips. Don’t fucking do it.
Yes, this is a real shade of lip color. And, yes I’m feeling personally victimized by it. Like, what is even the appropriate setting for said lip color? I’m assuming it’s any sort of music event that involves casual drug use. Though, I’m sure if I wore this lip color for any occasion my mom would probs roast me in a Facebook post. Plus, this has to be some sort of health hazard. Can you imagine drunk eating pizza with this mess on your face? You’d be inhaling glitter chunks to go along with your pepperoni. Nah, sorry. There’s a reason I don’t drink Goldschläger. It’s a no from me.
5. Bubble Gum Pink
I’m not saying this lip color looks bad on anyone per se, but it does send a message, and that message is that you still wear a retainer and a training bra. If you’re a grown-ass woman wearing this lip shade then you’re either Katy Perry or someone who claims Katy Perry is your style icon and either way you can’t be trusted. Stay home and write in your sad handwritten book, because no one wants to see that shit in public.