Well, that didn’t take long at all. Kylie Jenner gave birth less than a month ago, and she’s already using the glory of motherhood to make some cold hard cash. Many of us were fooled into thinking motherhood had changed Kylie since she kept her pregnancy a secret and didn’t use it as a sponsorship opportunity like we would’ve expected, but we were wrong. Earlier this week, Kylie’s new makeup collection was unveiled: the Weather Collection. It’s meant to be an homage to her newborn daughter Stormi, and we’re sure the little girl really appreciates being pimped out to sell some lipstick. We live in a society of capitalism, and no child is too young to be exploited for extra income.
Let’s take a look at what Kylie’s new makeup collection has to offer. There are three new matte lipstick shades guaranteed to make your lips chapped, one of which is black (relatable!), and the other two are just nude. Like, they’re just fucking nude. There are two palettes (eyeshadow and pressed powder), creatively titled Eye of the Storm and Calm Before the Storm. Is it coming across that this is all weather themed? There’s also some “ultra reflective” glitter lip gloss in there if you’re really tryna party like it’s 1999. Kylie has really pulled out all the stops for the Weather Collection, and it can probably all be yours for like $200 or something.
While I understand that Kylie is a businesswoman just trying to rule the world before she turns 21, it does seem a little fucked up to blatantly make money off an infant. Like, Stormi hasn’t even tried solid food and she’s having glitter eyeshadow named after her. Not to mention, Kylie’s new makeup collection was clearly in the works way before Stormi was born, so for her to act like she was soooo inspired by being a mom is a little fake. You know she’s had this shit on her vision board for at least nine months, so it’s basically like when Taylor Swift still acts surprised to win an award.
I’d also like to point out that Kylie, who just declared a week ago that she was done with Snapchat, is a big fucking liar. On Sunday, she had no less than 11 snaps on her story, most of which were about the Weather Collection. Sorry Snapchat, but Kylie Jenner is that fuckgirl who ruins your life but then acts like you mean the world to her. 
Kylie’s new makeup collection drops on Wednesday, and we don’t have ESPN or anything, but there’s at least a 30% chance that it’s going to sell out instantly. Kylie Jenner fans are crazy enough that they will spend their parents’ hard-earned money on bright yellow eyeshadow, and even I have to applaud that kind of loyalty.
Images: Shutterstock; @kyliejenner / Instagram; Giphy (2)
Being a dedicated follower of the Kardashian/Jenner family is serious business, so let’s get to work. After the last six months of playing Nancy Drew to try and figure out if Kylie was actually pregnant, the bundle of joy is finally fucking here. Now it’s time to figure out what Kylie named her baby. There’s no rest for the wicked, so chug an espresso and perk the fuck up. Join us as we go on a scavenger hunt across the internet for the secret name of the world’s first Lip Kit heiress.
Let’s start with what we know for sure. Kylie most likely did not name her daughter North, Penelope, Chicago, or Dream. Those are kind of taken. Now we can move on into more speculative territory. Hold on, because this is where things get murky.
The most popular current theory is that Kylie decided to go with Butterfly, or something related to butterflies. Ugh. There’s actually a fair amount of evidence here, so let’s unpack. Last summer, Kylie and Travis Scott got matching butterfly tattoos, and through the scientific method of counting the months backward, we can deduce that they most likely got the tattoos after finding out she was pregnant. Kylie’s also been seen wearing multiple pieces of butterfly jewelry on Snapchat in recent months, and her pregnancy video/Black Mirror episode also showed a nursery covered in butterfly decorations.
Other butterfly-related options are Monarch, Mariposa (the spanish word for butterfly), or Vanessa (which is another kind of butterfly). We don’t mind the first two, but please God don’t let this fucking baby be named Vanessa. She’s a Jenner, not an employee at Claire’s.
My personal theory is that Kylie named her daughter after one of her lip kit colors. It’s just the sort of thing that would get people talking and generate buzz, and some of the names are actually pretty normal. I don’t know exactly which one is the name, but there are a few choices that seem most likely.
Mary Jo is a classic red shade, and it’s one that Kylie loves rocking. This shade is named after Kris’ mom, aka MJ, who is the baby’s great grandmother. This would be a nice classic nod to both family and lipstick, and it gets bonus points for being a real name!
We honestly believe that Kylie would name her child Velvet. This shade, from her most recent holiday collection, is called Red Velvet, and she also has a whole line of velvet liquid lipsticks. Clearly Kylie loves velvet, and it’s not the weirdest name we’ve ever heard. I mean, Kim literally just named her daughter Chicago.
Our last guess is a throwback to one of the original three lip kit shades, Candy K. What if it was meant to be a name all along? Kylie used to say that this was her favorite lip kit of all, and everyone loves a classic. Candy is technically a name, just ask Aaron Carter. Kylie also got a flower arrangement delivered to her in the shape of the letter “C”, so this theory is shaping up more and more.
So realistically, we don’t have a fucking clue what Kylie is going to do, but all of these ideas are honestly not that hard to believe. Stay tuned, because you better believe we’ll have some thoughts the second she announces the actual name.
Sgt. Olivia Betchson, Senior Conspiracy Theorist here. I’ve been covering this Kardashian pregnancy fiasco since day one—okay, day two because day one was during Rosh Hashanah and I was celebrating the Jewish New Year with my family, persecute me—and I’ve always said that I do not for one second believe that Kylie Jenner is pregnant. Is part of that just willful thinking because I love Travis Scott’s music and think he’s too talented to be tied to Kylie Jenner for the next 18 years and suffer the Kardashian Kurse? Yes, definitely. But it’s also because I just cannot believe that Kris Jenner would allow this to happen. At first the rumors seemed like a pretty obvious ploy for ratings for the Kardashian 10th anniversary special. But as the special came and went and we heard no word from Kylie’s camp Kris, it seemed more and more likely that Kylie was, in fact, pregnant. But now, I have pretty definitive proof as to why Kylie has yet to deny the rumors: Kylie is releasing five new lip kit colors for fall. And boom goes the dynamite.
Yes, I did just insinuate that Kylie is keeping false pregnancy rumors afloat for the sole purpose of selling lip kits. Don’t act like she, or any member of the Kardashian family, is not above that. And my position is only strengthened when you look at these so-called “new” lip kit colors. Check ’em out.
The colors are, from left to right: Autumn, a muted coral; Libra, a light, almost white pink (Kylie, how dare you blaspheme my zodiac sign for this monstrosity of a color); Butternut, look with your pretty little eyes; Hazel, also self-evident; and Wicked, this bright-ass purple. And the reason I say that these colors support the theory that this is all a publicity stunt is because LOOK AT THEM. You’ve got, from right to left this time:
1. A crazy purple color that nobody in their right mind would drop $30 on to wear once on Halloween
(P.S. If you’re not horrified by this lip color, you should buy Colourpop’s Zipper or Guess—they’re basically the same shit and only will have you out $5 when you put it on and realize you look kinda crazy.)
2. A color that’s basically one shade slightly off from every other nude lip kit (I would know, I own at least 3)
3. This unfortunate event that makes you look diseased
Like, that’s what my lips look like right after I puke, why would I willingly slather that all over my lips? Somebody kindly let me know.
4. This color, which you cannot tell me ISN’T a repackaged lip kit from the KKW Beauty x Kylie Cosmetics collab. Seriously, here’s Libra:
And here’s a promo photo from Kylie and Kim’s lip kit collaboration.
IT’S A SCAM. And finally, we have…
5. The poor man’s Brown Sugar, aka Autumn. Again, for reference, here are Kylie and Jordyn wearing Autum:
And here we have the Brown Sugar swatch.
What more proof do you need that this whole pregnancy was made up to sell bad lip kit colors nobody would otherwise buy unless they felt like they were helping out an almost-teen mom? None, I say. None. I rest my case and will be awaiting my Pulitzer Prize for investigatory journalism.
I may be a professional Kylie Jenner hater, but damn do I love me some lip kits. They come in cute colors (and some not-so cute colors—lookin’ at you, Skylie). They stay on for-fucking-ever. They’re pretty good quality for the price, even if the liner never does sharpen back to its original pointy-ness. But no more. I, Sgt. Olivia Betchson (my real name) will never again purchase a Kylie Lip Kit because of a new discovery that proves Kylie’s been deceiving us, her loyal fans paying customers, this entire time. Strap on your fucking seat belts, because this scandal is bigger than Fyre Festival. Possibly even bigger than Watergate. Are you ready?
Kylie doesn’t use her arm for her swatches. That’s right, every time you’ve seen a new Instagram or Snapchat announcing Kylie’s new colors with those famous swatches all the way down her arm? IT WASN’T KYLIE’S ARM. The betrayal. The humanity! You think you know a person and their arm, and then you find out you’ve been totally played the entire time. How can I trust a makeup product when that product’s own founder won’t test it on their skin? And is that why all the lip kits I ordered after that buy one, get one half off sale looked way darker in person than they looked in the swatches? IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE?!
I know what you’re thinking, because I’m thinking it too: Can I get a refund? Then whose arm is it?? Her housekeeper. “She has the best arm for swatches,” Kylie says. What does that mean? Does she have the perfect complexion that’s somehow translatable to all skin tones? A completely hairless arm? Not even! “She’s so nice and just sits there and has her arm ready and lets me do my thing.” So… all it takes to be Kylie’s arm swatch model is the ability to sit still for the length of time it takes to make a Snapchat—about 10 seconds. Good to know… *furiously updates resume*
I think I’m not at all overreacting when I say that if Kylie’s willing to deceive us about who’s modeling her swatches, what else is she lying to us about? Can we really trust her or her makeup products ever again? Truthfully, you all do what you want, but personally? I’m not ready to get hurt again. I’ll be boycotting all of Kylie’s products until future notice. This has everything to do with this lip kit revelation, and nothing to do with the fact that I’m currently broke.
Because it’s the year 2017 and people will do literally anything for an Instagram like, I’m being pushed to the fucking edge with makeup trends these days. Fucking barbed wire eyebrows? Glitter butts? Grown women buying Unicorn Snot? No, no, no, no. That’s it. Trendsetting is cancelled, it’s done. None of you bitches can be trusted.
But if I thought people couldn’t be trusted to discern a real beauty trend from a moronic one, then I really shouldn’t be surprised that people are fucking up their lip color. Because nothing pisses me off more than seeing people try and be “bold” with their lipstick. I know they say the eyes are the window to the soul, but have you ever seen how good I look in a dark purple lipstick? That says wayyy more about my soul then the cat eye I fucked up this morning. That being said, there are some lip colors you should never wear. Like, ever. So buckle up because I have a feeling this might be a rude awakening for some of you bitches. Here are the 5 lip colors you should never be caught dead in:
1. Baby Blue
Jesus, why do you test my patience like this? I’m a good person. I go to work most days, I never go to the gym, and I only drink on the weekends. So why does my extra AF friend always show up to happy hour looking like she just sucked off a Smurf? I will never understand why beauty companies even thought to manufacture this color. Even Kylie cannot make this color look good, and that should say something to you. Like, pastels barely look good as clothing on my body, much less as the fucking focal point on my face. Avoid this color at all costs lest you end up an Internet meme.
2. Electric Orange
I’m not going to call anyone out here *cough* Selena Gomez *cough* but someone is trying to make orange happen and they are seriously disturbed. Perhaps she’s trying to prove that she’s just as much of an artist as The Weekend so that’s why she’s made the color orange her pet project for the summer, but you can give it up, Selena, because over my dead body will I let orange lip color become a trend. Selena isn’t the only person who’s delusional, though. Several beauty sites are calling orange the “hottest color” of spring 2017 and each and every one of those sites are getting a spot in my personal burn book. Let me just be clear here people: Orange looks good on NO ONE. Only wear this color if you want me to mock write about you in future articles.
3. Any Shade Of Green
I made a case for dark green lip color once upon a time but that was in the name of a V important drinking holiday and you really can’t take anything I say seriously when I’m trying to match my outfit to a themed drinking event. Like the above Smurf comment I made, people will sure as hell talk shit about you if you show up to the bar looking like you’ve got a fungus growing on your lips. Don’t fucking do it.
4. Glitter
Yes, this is a real shade of lip color. And, yes I’m feeling personally victimized by it. Like, what is even the appropriate setting for said lip color? I’m assuming it’s any sort of music event that involves casual drug use. Though, I’m sure if I wore this lip color for any occasion my mom would probs roast me in a Facebook post. Plus, this has to be some sort of health hazard. Can you imagine drunk eating pizza with this mess on your face? You’d be inhaling glitter chunks to go along with your pepperoni. Nah, sorry. There’s a reason I don’t drink Goldschläger. It’s a no from me.
5. Bubble Gum Pink
I’m not saying this lip color looks bad on anyone per se, but it does send a message, and that message is that you still wear a retainer and a training bra. If you’re a grown-ass woman wearing this lip shade then you’re either Katy Perry or someone who claims Katy Perry is your style icon and either way you can’t be trusted. Stay home and write in your sad handwritten book, because no one wants to see that shit in public.
