There’s a lot to love about the fall season. For one, you can stop pretending you like
eating air dieting for bikini season and can finally let yourself go embrace the layering season. There’s also this whole idea of rebirth associated with fall that people love to lose their shit over. You know what I’m talking about here. The girl who posts a selfie of herself looking off into the distance, with like, “embrace the change” as her caption. Like, just because the leaves are changing doesn’t mean your hoe ass will. That said, I do love a good rebirth story, and nothing says “bye bitch” to your summer image like dark fall lip colors. For those of you who are dead inside know what’s good for you and have been embracing this trend for months already (hi), then congratulations, you’re ahead of the curve. Feel free to tell the world that It’s Britney, Betch supports you and your lifestyle (a coveted endorsement tbh). But for those of you who have yet to embrace this trend, you better get your shit together, before I go Gossip Girl on your ass in my next beauty article. I am not above public shaming, and I’m hurt that you think I am. I do love educating the masses, so here are the 6 fall lip colors that reflect just how dead inside you are.
1. Nars Semi Matte Lipstick In VIP Red
If you’re not into
looking good AF the vampy lip trend, then I guess I can’t fault you for that. If you aren’t going to embrace the blackness of your soul a plum lip color, then I recommend going red. Red is, like, the color of fall. I mean, it’s basic AF, but you’ll still be making a statement. Reds are about to be your new neutrals, and the VIP Red shade is one of NARS’ bestsellers, so you know it’s gotta be fucking amazing.
2. Kat Von D Everlasting Liquid Lipstick In Damned
If you know anything about me, then you know I
mask my emotions prefer a dark, vampy lip color. Seriously. I’m not going to show up to a bar wearing anything less than a shade called damned, lest people get the wrong idea about me and think I’m a joy to be around. NOPE. If you can’t take me when I’m emotionally isolating myself as I am, rocking dark lip color, then you can’t have me when I’m sober at my best. ANYWAY, this black cherry hue is going to be everywhere in the fall, so you need to try it ASAP. Not only does it flatter a range of skin tones, but it will also make you look bad AF.
3. CoverGirl Colorlicious Lipstick In Romance Mauve
Again, if you’re dead inside but aren’t super into the vampy lip trend, then CoverGirl’s Romantic Mauve will be your go-to lip color this fall. First of all, mauve looks good on any skin tone and second of all, CoverGirl’s brand incorporates the metallics into their mauve shade, so you’re about to be extra trendy this fall, that’s for damn sure.
4. Urban Decay Vice Lipstick In Blackmail
Tbh, I would buy this lip color just based on the name alone. But good news—blackmail is more than just a concept I use to get people to read my articles; it’s actually a bomb lip color. It’s a wine-colored perfection that’s super pigmented and long-lasting AF. Like, it will last you through happy hour, you drunk calling your ex but hooking up with his best friend instead, and you waking up full of regret and late to your 9am department meeting. The cycle of life, people. It’s important to count your wins where you can (even if that win is still being able to wear last night’s lip color).
5. Maybelline Loaded Bold Lipstick In Midnight Blue
I heard a vicious rumor that navy is the new purple of the fall season, which seems like fighting words to me, tbh. I’ve always been of the opinion that wearing blue lip color is less chic and more “I just sucked off a smurf,” but hey, to each her own. If navy is about to be trendy this fall, then Maybelline’s Midnight Blue is what you’ll want to try. It’s dark, it’s edgy, and for less than $10, I’ll literally try anything.
6. MAC Liptensity Lipstick in “Burnt Violet”
I know, I know. I’m endorsing another purple lip color, SO SUE ME. You know that saying, “give the people what they want,” well I say, “give the people what
I want they need.” You’re welcome. So, yes, another plum lip color, but you’ll thank me for it later, because this product is legit amaze. MAC’s Burnt Violet has a more shiny finish to it and it goes on easy AF, thanks to its slightly opaque texture.
Because it’s the year 2017 and people will do literally anything for an Instagram like, I’m being pushed to the fucking edge with makeup trends these days. Fucking barbed wire eyebrows? Glitter butts? Grown women buying Unicorn Snot? No, no, no, no. That’s it. Trendsetting is cancelled, it’s done. None of you bitches can be trusted.
But if I thought people couldn’t be trusted to discern a real beauty trend from a moronic one, then I really shouldn’t be surprised that people are fucking up their lip color. Because nothing pisses me off more than seeing people try and be “bold” with their lipstick. I know they say the eyes are the window to the soul, but have you ever seen how good I look in a dark purple lipstick? That says wayyy more about my soul then the cat eye I fucked up this morning. That being said, there are some lip colors you should never wear. Like, ever. So buckle up because I have a feeling this might be a rude awakening for some of you bitches. Here are the 5 lip colors you should never be caught dead in:
1. Baby Blue
Jesus, why do you test my patience like this? I’m a good person. I go to work most days, I never go to the gym, and I only drink
on the weekends. So why does my extra AF friend always show up to happy hour looking like she just sucked off a Smurf? I will never understand why beauty companies even thought to manufacture this color. Even Kylie cannot make this color look good, and that should say something to you. Like, pastels barely look good as clothing on my body, much less as the fucking focal point on my face. Avoid this color at all costs lest you end up an Internet meme.
2. Electric Orange
I’m not going to call anyone out here *cough* Selena Gomez *cough* but someone is trying to make orange happen and they are seriously disturbed. Perhaps she’s trying to prove that she’s just as much of an artist as The Weekend so that’s why she’s made the color orange her pet project for the summer, but you can give it up, Selena, because over my dead body will I let orange lip color become a trend. Selena isn’t the only person who’s delusional, though. Several beauty sites are calling orange the “hottest color” of spring 2017 and each and every one of those sites are getting a spot in my personal burn book. Let me just be clear here people: Orange looks good on NO ONE. Only wear this color if you want me to
mock write about you in future articles.
3. Any Shade Of Green
I made a case for dark green lip color once upon a time but that was in the name of a V important drinking holiday and you really can’t take anything I say seriously when I’m trying to match my outfit to a themed drinking event. Like the above Smurf comment I made, people will sure as hell talk shit about you if you show up to the bar looking like you’ve got a fungus growing on your lips. Don’t fucking do it.
Yes, this is a real shade of lip color. And, yes I’m feeling personally victimized by it. Like, what is even the appropriate setting for said lip color? I’m assuming it’s any sort of music event that involves casual drug use. Though, I’m sure if I wore this lip color for any occasion my mom would probs roast me in a Facebook post. Plus, this has to be some sort of health hazard. Can you imagine drunk eating pizza with this mess on your face? You’d be inhaling glitter chunks to go along with your pepperoni. Nah, sorry. There’s a reason I don’t drink Goldschläger. It’s a no from me.
5. Bubble Gum Pink
I’m not saying this lip color looks bad on anyone per se, but it does send a message, and that message is that you still wear a retainer and a training bra. If you’re a grown-ass woman wearing this lip shade then you’re either Katy Perry or someone who claims Katy Perry is your style icon and either way you can’t be trusted. Stay home and write in your sad handwritten book, because no one wants to see that shit in public.