The season of upper lip sweat and actual hell outside is almost over—yay! Which means it’s almost the best time of year: Halloween. Sorry, I mean fall. Fall is my favorite time of year because HALLOWEEN and also, fashion is just better. If you’re looking for something new and trendy for fall but are also moving into the world’s tiniest studio apartment (me) and/or are broke (also me), update your look by investing in one (or all) of this season’s hottest fall lip colors.
1. Oxblood
Deep reds are my favorite fall lip colors, but this year the specific red tone you’ll see everywhere is oxblood. It’s like a burgundy but with more brown/purple in it. Oxblood is one of the best colors ever, and it will look gorgeous on any skin tone. It’s the ultimate edgy lip. Or edgy everything. Seriously, I love this color so much, get clothes with it, do your nails with it, paint your entire face, I don’t care.
MARC JACOBS BEAUTY Le Marc Lip Crème Lipstick in Deep Oxblood
2. Pumpkin
Orange-red is actually my favorite summer lip color, but this year we’re seeings them all over the runway for fall too. I’m kind of obsessed with it. It’s a fun bright twist to probably drab fall attire and I get more use out of this color for longer. We’re calling it pumpkin to make it more festive, but any orange you love will work.
NARS Audacious Lipstick in Vivid Orange Red
3. Magenta/Violet
Another summer staple that can carry you into fall, magentas and violets are super in again. This is a great color range, because you can push it from electric purple to deep berry, depending on your mood. I love purple shades as an alternative to red, and magenta is a sexier way to do pink without looking like a baby prostitute.
ANASTASIA BEVERLY HILLS Liquid Lipstick in Vibrant Plum Magenta
4. Metallics
Metallic lipsticks are a cool, edgy element to add to your look. You can do these in any colors (I especially love it if you’re super adventurous and do a dark purple, blue, or even black), or double up by mixing two of these trends together, like a magenta or nude metal. It’s an easy way to update your go-to color.
URBAN DECAY Vice Lipstick in Trance-Metallized
5. Brown
In true 90’s fashion, brown lipsticks are back. Wear these with your flannels and space buns and Doc Martens. I love this trend and I feel like an angsty teenager when I line my eyes with black kohl and put this on. You will look like a Nirvana video reject, but like, in a chic way. Reapply often, as dark lipsticks may fall victim to butthole lips, which is not cute.
SMASHBOX Be Legendary Lipstick in Coffee Run
6. No-Makeup Nudes
Kylie Jenner didn’t become a billionaire for nothing. Nude lips are still everywhere. However, this fall, “no-makeup” makeup is all the rage. You know, where you look like a Victoria’s Secret model but you pretend you did not use 17 products to achieve this look? That. Nude lipstick does not mean choosing a color identical to your natural lips—you’ll want to pick a shade that is similar, with a slightly enhanced color. Depending on your skin tone, go a little more peach, pink, or plum. Texture is super important with nude lips, so get something that goes on soft and creamy, not chalky, like this Too Faced one.
TOO FACED Natural Nudes Lipstick in Skinny Dippin’
Images: Frankie Cordoba / Unsplash; Sephora (6)
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Unless you know wtf you’re doing (which is a rarity), buying new lipstick online sucks. You can’t draw a fucking rainbow on your arm and you can’t like, give it a week to see if your Bumble boy notices the different shade of pink you’re wearing. Makeup can be fucking expensive, and as much as we’d like to feel as though we are C-list celebs/Insta influencers, there are times when we have to choose Svedka over Tito’s to save a few bucks. Tbh, any alcohol will get the job done, just like some drugstore lipsticks are better than the expensive shit. Although drugstore lipsticks are the same price as a bottle of wine from Target, they’re still high-quality and way more accessible than Sephora or MAC. I mean, the closest Walgreen’s/CVS/Duane Reade/wherever you’ve placed your trust is probs less than 5 minutes away. ‘Tis the season for new lipstick shades, so knowing times are hard while Trump is still president, you can shop new faves on a budget and avoid a passive-aggressive text from your dad about the credit card bill. On your next run to buy chasers and tampons, here are the best drugstore lipsticks to buy for poppin’ lips without fillers. Cue grateful, blessed, happy tears.
1. Maybelline Color Sensational Creamy Matte Lipstick in Daringly Nude
For the best nude (other than a dick pic or that one nude you felt proud of in college), Maybelline is the one to hit up. Even though it’s matte, it’s still creamy af and feels absolutely life-changing when it’s on. The collection has like, a million nude shades you never knew existed, and each has bomb pigment for ultra long-lasting color.
2. NYX Cosmetics Pin-Up Pout Lipstick in Revolution
NYX is my go-to for everything. If you want the same shit you can find at Sephora for half the price and the same level of quality, NYX needs to be in your vocab. Pin-Up Pouts in particular are the reason NYX is still here, tbh. The full-coverage best-selling line is full of classic reds, bright pinks, and most importantly, vampy shades like the one below above to literally die for. They’re long-lasting and totally addictive. This deep reddish plum is perfect for fall, but for $8, you *have* to shop all the shades.
3. L’Oréal Paris Colour Riche Lipcolour in Miss Magenta
Not only do you get bright colors that actually look like the same color as advertised, L’Oréal lipsticks are also known for intense hydration. They’re non-drying and won’t crack your lips, since they’re made with healthy stuff like Argan oil, vitamins, and other things I’m too lazy to type out. Since you’ll fall in love with these, you can get one in every color known to man, from hot pink to gray to something dark like our souls.
4. COVERGIRL Queen Collection Stay Luscious Lipstick in Pink Reign
What Tyra says, goes—no questions about it. So when she says COVERGIRL, we stock up on COVERGIRL. The childhood brand that has recently gone on my shit list for switching up their slogan is semi redeeming itself with their latest collection. The Queen collection is v moisturizing (a necessity), full of natural-looking shine, and created with a special waterproof formula that allows color to stay on regardless of how many shots we take. Fucking miracle.
5. Rimmel London Provocalips 16HR Kiss Proof Lip Colour in Kiss Me You Fool
Well, that was aggressive ^. This fab lipstick is a 2-in-1 that comes with a gorg shade and lock-in top coat to ensure your lipstick stays where it belongs. Guaranteed to stay on for up to 16 hours without drying out or fading, the formula is also kiss-proof and transfer-proof, so no worries about making your next hookup look like a murder scene or wasting newly applied lipstick on your Starbucks straw. With this game-changer, you’re free to indulge in drunk pizza without needing to reapply, which is obviously the only thing I can ever ask for in this life of sin.
Because it’s the year 2017 and people will do literally anything for an Instagram like, I’m being pushed to the fucking edge with makeup trends these days. Fucking barbed wire eyebrows? Glitter butts? Grown women buying Unicorn Snot? No, no, no, no. That’s it. Trendsetting is cancelled, it’s done. None of you bitches can be trusted.
But if I thought people couldn’t be trusted to discern a real beauty trend from a moronic one, then I really shouldn’t be surprised that people are fucking up their lip color. Because nothing pisses me off more than seeing people try and be “bold” with their lipstick. I know they say the eyes are the window to the soul, but have you ever seen how good I look in a dark purple lipstick? That says wayyy more about my soul then the cat eye I fucked up this morning. That being said, there are some lip colors you should never wear. Like, ever. So buckle up because I have a feeling this might be a rude awakening for some of you bitches. Here are the 5 lip colors you should never be caught dead in:
1. Baby Blue
Jesus, why do you test my patience like this? I’m a good person. I go to work most days, I never go to the gym, and I only drink on the weekends. So why does my extra AF friend always show up to happy hour looking like she just sucked off a Smurf? I will never understand why beauty companies even thought to manufacture this color. Even Kylie cannot make this color look good, and that should say something to you. Like, pastels barely look good as clothing on my body, much less as the fucking focal point on my face. Avoid this color at all costs lest you end up an Internet meme.
2. Electric Orange
I’m not going to call anyone out here *cough* Selena Gomez *cough* but someone is trying to make orange happen and they are seriously disturbed. Perhaps she’s trying to prove that she’s just as much of an artist as The Weekend so that’s why she’s made the color orange her pet project for the summer, but you can give it up, Selena, because over my dead body will I let orange lip color become a trend. Selena isn’t the only person who’s delusional, though. Several beauty sites are calling orange the “hottest color” of spring 2017 and each and every one of those sites are getting a spot in my personal burn book. Let me just be clear here people: Orange looks good on NO ONE. Only wear this color if you want me to mock write about you in future articles.
3. Any Shade Of Green
I made a case for dark green lip color once upon a time but that was in the name of a V important drinking holiday and you really can’t take anything I say seriously when I’m trying to match my outfit to a themed drinking event. Like the above Smurf comment I made, people will sure as hell talk shit about you if you show up to the bar looking like you’ve got a fungus growing on your lips. Don’t fucking do it.
4. Glitter
Yes, this is a real shade of lip color. And, yes I’m feeling personally victimized by it. Like, what is even the appropriate setting for said lip color? I’m assuming it’s any sort of music event that involves casual drug use. Though, I’m sure if I wore this lip color for any occasion my mom would probs roast me in a Facebook post. Plus, this has to be some sort of health hazard. Can you imagine drunk eating pizza with this mess on your face? You’d be inhaling glitter chunks to go along with your pepperoni. Nah, sorry. There’s a reason I don’t drink Goldschläger. It’s a no from me.
5. Bubble Gum Pink
I’m not saying this lip color looks bad on anyone per se, but it does send a message, and that message is that you still wear a retainer and a training bra. If you’re a grown-ass woman wearing this lip shade then you’re either Katy Perry or someone who claims Katy Perry is your style icon and either way you can’t be trusted. Stay home and write in your sad handwritten book, because no one wants to see that shit in public.
Any betch who’s into makeup will tell you that finding a good lipstick can be a fucking ordeal. Like, first you have to find the right color. Then you have to find a liner that matches, lest you end up looking like Gwen Stefani during her No Doubt days. Then you have to worry about it drying out your lips and will it actually stay on this weekend while you down vodka shots/make out with the first guy in your line of vision/drunk eat a whole pizza? Okay so maybe if you’re doing pizza to the face at 3am your last concern is your lipstick, but the point still stands. You need your shit to stick to you like that creepy bro at the bar who bought you a drink. These are the best long-lasting lipsticks—and before you ask, you will not see a certain Jenner’s products on this because while they last forever, that shit makes your lips dryer than the Sahara desert.
1. MAC Liptensity
This lipstick is enhanced with extra pigment for a more intense color that’s designed to last for up to eight hours. Honestly, when food and alcohol is involved, you really only need about half that time before you’re going to be falling asleep or too drunk to care, so this lipstick is perfect.
2. Tarte Cosmetics Drench Lip Splash Lipstick
It’s usually a pain in the peach emoji when a vegan person constantly reminds you that they’re vegan, but Tarte Cosmetics is like, the one exception. This satin matte lipstick is created with a hydrating vegan formula that keeps your lips moisturized. Plus, the tip is narrower than a typical lipstick, so when you’re trying to reapply after a few glasses of vodka wine, there’s less room for error.
3. NYX Liquid Suede Cream Lipstick
This cream lipstick dries into a matte finish, but it’s waterproof, which is basically another way to say it can hold its own through a night of eating and drinking better than a betch who just turned 21.
If you have a favorite lip product that you’re not willing to give up on, try lining your lips with the NYX Wonder Pencil. It helps to prevent lip colors from bleeding all over your face so that even if you happen to drink too much and embarrass yourself, you’ll look a little less messy in the Instas.
This colorless lip base moisturizes your lips and helps prevent lipstick from feathering and cracking if your heart is really set on rocking Koko K (which claims to be long-wearing and promises not to dry your lips out, but is lying).
Festival season is upon us which means that every basic bitch in America is about to start announcing on social media how much of a music connoisseur she is while also Googling “where can I buy flower crowns.” Even though it’s only been, like, four months of 2017 I’ve already seen too much in terms of batshit beauty trends. For example, looking like you just gave head the “snogged lips” trend and using condoms to blend your face makeup. That being said, I’m already thinking about how I’ll need to psych myself up pop a Xanax before bitches start testing me with their Coachella life choices.
But because I am a generous human, and also because bottles of pinot were “buy one get one” at the store, I thought I’d take the time to enlighten you on how to be less basic this festival season. Here are 7 Coachella beauty trends that will take your Instagram story festival look to the next level:
1. Khaleesi Braids
I swear to god if I see one more long-ass Dutch braid pigtail combo I will lose my goddamn mind. Just because Kylie Jenner said so you pinned this look to your festival fashion inspo board doesn’t make you original. Instead try these Khaleesi-inspired braids. This style will make you feel like breeding dragons and destroying men, and if there’s a better way to dress while listening to mainstream music with rich people dressed like homeless hippies then I’d like to hear it. Seriously, I’ll wait…
2. Tiaras
This just in: Tiaras are the new flower crowns because Beyoncé said so. For real though, Bey started the trend by showing (everyone) up like a fucking queen at the Grammys. But if you’re feeling weird about showing up in a full-on golden headdress then try wearing a simple, delicate tiara. It has that “let them eat cake” vibe that’s V popular in the White House these days. And it still says everything you were hoping to convey on your Instagram story: that people should not stomp their last season Prada shoes at you, honey.
3. Blue Lips
Pinterest has spoken and dark blue lip color is the official color of spring. TBH this color is speaking to my soul right now. It’s V edgy and though there’s a 100% chance that this will end up all over your face by the end of the day this color will definitely set you apart from the basic AF crowd. Speaking from experience, just brace yourself for the inevitable “you just blew a Smurf” jokes.
4. Pink Eye Makeup
The bad news if you wear your makeup like this people are going to think you’ve been snorting Adderall for three days. The good news is, it’s Coachella so everyone’s snorting Adderall for days! You’ll fit right in, kid.
5. Metallic Nails
Chic, edgy, and it doesn’t require your nails to take a trip to Claire’s to get pierced. You’re welcome.
6. All Glitter Everything
Glitter at a music festival? Groundbreaking. TBH I could’ve written my entire senior thesis on Coachella’s toxic relationship with glitter but sadly my professor didn’t think there was enough “merit” to the subject matter. So rude. Regardless, glitter is the ultimate trend at music festivals and amongst casual drug users. #TheMoreYouKnow. There’s not enough time in my day to list all the ways you can embarrass your mother wear glitter so I’m just going to list the ones that are the least offensive to me, k?
At the roots of your hair:
Cover up your dandruff and/or oily roots with glitter and dry shampoo = festival logic.
As an under eye accent:
Same logic as above but replace “nasty-ass hair” with “ever-expanding under-eye bags”.
As a highlighter:
Honestly, no objections to this look.
7. Braid Chains
The best way to arm yourself from all the bullshit that’s bound to go down this festival season is with armor…for your hair. Seriously though, this hair accessory gives off some serious Bad Gal RiRi “don’t fuck with me” vibes, and I am about it. Plus it’ll make your Forever21 high-waisted shorts and crochet bikini top seem less slutty-on-a-budget and more slutty-with-money. Which is always my end goal when it comes to choosing outfit accessories.
