‘Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club’ Recap: She’s A Thirsty Little Girl

It’s been a long week since we were last in Mykonos with Lindsay and the gang, but I’m ready for more. When we left off, new VIP host Alex had just showed up, and Lindsay and Panos seemed like they might be ready to send someone home. Will this actually happen, or is MTV just baiting us? Stay tuned.

We start off with Lindsay in some kind of wet suit electrode contraption, and I think she’s literally getting shocked. She shouts that she’s not Tomb Raider, which has…nothing to do with anything. And none of us thought that to begin with. She says that she’s noticed the VIP hosts getting more comfortable, which can only mean that something is about to go horribly wrong.

Panos is leading the staff meeting, and right now his favorites are Alex, Jonitta, and Brent. I’m definitely team #CancelBrent, so this is gonna be tough for me.

Big Shaq, who is apparently a famous rapper, is the VIP for today, and Billy is assigned to his cabana. Panos also tells the hosts to come up with ideas for a signature drink, which seems like really not their job? Lohan Beach House needs to call Tom Sandoval for some consulting. Billy makes a drink that everyone agrees is ~perfect~ even though I’m pretty sure it’s just an Aperol Spritz. But big drama is brewing, because Panos likes Gabi’s drink better.

We get a quick glimpse of Lindsay getting her makeup done, and she barks out “The struggle is real!” First of all, you mean to tell me that all of these terrible makeup looks have been the work of a professional makeup artist?! Fire this person! Also, what struggle? Lindsay’s life seems like it would be inherently easy if she could just get out of her own way.

Right now Panos has three problem hosts: Brent for his attitude, Jules because she’s too quiet, and May, just in general? I’m sure we’ll get more on this later, but for now Panos is busy flirting with Big Shaq, who just showed up.

It’s 5pm at the club, and Jonitta is f*cking fed up with Gabi. The feuds on this show come out of nowhere, but I guess I’m here for the drama. It’s time for Big Shaq’s performance, and he immediately brings Lindsay up on stage. Lindsay is wearing an entirely gold sequined dress that says “TOO GLAM TO GIVE A DAMN,” which cost $459 according to some quick googling. Sure, sounds good, love it. I’m not familiar with Big Shaq’s music, but the first lyrics we hear him rap are “2+2 is 4,” and for that reason, I’m out.

Back at the house, Mike is telling Alex about how he wants to bang Jules, mostly because he hasn’t sex in four months. Alex is not convinced, because he says Mike is gay, not bi. Um, rude, but I also seriously think they’re gonna hook up at some point, despite Alex having a boyfriend at home.

Gabi tells us a sob story about childhood health problems, which I didn’t really listen to because I was getting a snack. Sorry, not sorry. They’re really trying to make Gabi happen this episode, and idk if I’m feeling it. No wait, I know I’m not feeling it. Jonitta invited a guy from the beach club to go out with her tonight, so that hopefully he’ll be a VIP client in the future. Things start to go south when Gabi and May greet Jonitta’s date first, and then Jonitta is sh*t talking Gabi to anyone who will listen.

Remember my prediction exactly six sentences ago that Alex and Mike would hook up? Well, apparently I’m psychic, because they just drunkenly made out at the club! I’m obviously not surprised, but I kinda thought they’d make us wait longer?

Now we’re back at the house, and Jonitta confronts Gabi about how she greeted her date. Ugh, I’m so over this already. May, despite doing the same thing as Gabi, has somehow avoided the wrath of Jonitta, and she should be thankful. Gabi brushes against Jonitta’s leg, and Jonitta responds by slapping the shit out of Gabi. Wow, I love this episode of Bad Girl’s Club!!

Security is ready for this to get bad at any minute, and Gabi has to beg the cameras to leave her alone so she can have a minute to herself. She feels like she’s being attacked just for doing her job and being personable, which is pretty accurate. I like Jonitta, but I’m not sure this behavior is in line with the Lohan Brand. Which is why we’re all here. Gabi is feeling alone and doesn’t want to deal with anyone, so she leaves to spend the night at a hotel. Wait, this is an option?

The next morning, Mike and Alex sit down to chat about their kiss. Alex is like, “wow this could ruin everything between me and my boyfriend.” Mike plays along, but you know he would sleep with Alex in 10 seconds.

We see Panos watching the footage of Jonitta hitting Gabi, and he’s not happy. He first has a meeting with Gabi. Panos says “I don’t know how to control Lindsay in this situation,” and I’m confused. Is Lindsay not the boss? Why wouldn’t she already know? Shouldn’t she be at this meeting? Panos then shows up at the host villa, and calls everyone into the living room. 30 seconds into the meeting, Jonitta tells Panos that Gabi is a “thirsty little girl.” She’s wearing a shirt that says SORRY, but clearly she doesn’t dress the way she feels.

Panos goes to call Lindsay, and he kicks a stool in the kitchen on his way out. Iconic drama queen moment right there.

Sara goes to talk to Jonitta, Brent gives a speech about how he would’ve been so humble in Jonitta’s position (sure, Jan), and Alex leaves to meditate. Same. Jonitta tells Sara she’d rather get sent home than apologize, which is literally so dumb. Just say sorry, you don’t even have to mean it!

Gabi gets back to the host villa, followed closely by Lindsay and Panos. Lindsay says violence is unacceptable, but what’s even more unacceptable is the denim dress she’s wearing. They sit down for a meeting, and…CLIFFHANGER. Ugh. Will Jonitta get sent home? I guess we’ll find out next week!

Images: MTV; Giphy (2)

‘Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club’ Recap: Champagne Gun Lindsay

Welcome back to another sunny week at Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club. The sun is shining, the cabanas are empty, and Brent is probably still an asshole. I’m sure there will be plenty of drama on Lohan Island Mykonos tonight, so let’s get started.

It’s a new day at the club, and all the hosts say they want to leave the drama back at the house. Famous last words. Lindsay shows up to the staff meeting and brags that she got to work at 9am today. Glad to know her greatest achievement is the bare minimum I have to do to not get fired. Lindsay tells the Hosts that Alesso is coming to the club, so everyone will be on high alert. She then announces that there will be a new Ambassador coming soon, and Sara uses the word “shook” twice in one sentence. Honestly, Brent is the only one who’s not shook, because he apparently forgot he got in a fight with his boss yesterday.

Panos asks Jules if she wants to serve Alesso, and of course she says yes. Then Panos goes “No, I don’t think so,” and gives the job to Brent and Jonitta. Excuse me? If my boss pulled that sh*t with me, there’d be an HR complaint filed 10 seconds later.

Brent thinks he still has a chance with Sara after he called her the gum on the bottom of his shoe and she dumped a drink on him. We see footage of him apologizing to her, and she’s like, “I’m just over it all.” He thinks everything is good and hopes they can still go on a date. The lack of self-awareness is astounding. We also find out that Natasha, the VIP that Brent made out with, is coming back to the club, and now Brent feels awkward. He doesn’t want to make Sara mad, so he’s just gonna ignore the VIP client. I’m sure Panos will love that.

Mike and Jules immediately go hang out and flirt in the ocean, which is exactly what Panos told them not to do. Jules is here for a good time, not a long time, but there’s definitely going to be trouble.

Brent and Jonitta sit down to figure out a spa menu for Alesso, which seems like it shouldn’t be their job, but whatever. Jonitta finds some fancy Himalayan salt in the kitchen, so I’m sure everything will be fine. Natasha shows up, and she immediately requests that Brent come say hi to her. Brent acts like a little f*cking baby, and refuses to come at first. Then Panos has to force him over, and it’s literally the most awkward hello I’ve ever seen. Mike says that Brent needs to “nut up or shut up,” and I just spit out my drink.

Alesso shows up, and he has a swollen foot. Lindsay goes full Red Cross nurse, wrapping a bandage around it and barking orders in her fake Russian accent.


Brent tells Sara about what went down with Natasha, and Sara literally could not care less. I’m glad to see Brent is tanking his job to impress a woman who doesn’t want him. It’s what he deserves.

Lindsay tells us that her biggest fear in life is being judged. Does she not remember that she literally tried to kidnap children on Instagram Live? She’s waltzing around the club with a machine gun that shoots champagne, and I have several thousand questions. She lines up all the VIP Hosts and shoots them with the champagne, and all the women are very stressed about getting their hair wet. It’s a tough life here at Lohan Beach House.

It’s the next day, and the VIP Hosts have the whole day off. So much time for drama activities! Sara tells Jules that she’s forgiven Brent, but I have one major concern. Sara keeps calling him “Brett,” and I really don’t think she knows his name. Panos calls Mike to tell him that the new Host, Alex, is someone he knows from back home. Mike is like, “Oh yeah, Alex, from work,” and then tells us that he and Alex have definitely f*cked. But now Alex has a boyfriend, and Mike is into Jules, so I’m sure this won’t cause any drama!

Narrator: It would cause drama, and lots of it. 

Suddenly it’s 10pm, which makes sense because I fully believe that these people slept all day. They go to dinner, and Mike drops the bomb about the new arrival. They stress for like 30 seconds, then hit up the club. While Mike and Jules are making out, Brent takes Sara and Jonitta to Alesso’s show at a different club. Panos sees Jonitta promoting Lohan Beach House, and is immediately impressed. Panos acts super tough to please, but the bar has been set, like, very low for these people.

No. NO. NOOOOOO. Brent asks Sara to be his girlfriend, and I have never been more angry. She doesn’t really say yes, but she continues to flirt and dance with him. SARA. 48 hours ago, this man called you a two. A TWO.

Alex arrives the next day, and he has the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. Mike picks him up at the airport, and then brings him back to the house to meet everyone. Jonitta says he’s the hottest guy she’s ever seen, and the women are heartbroken when they find out he’s gay. Jonitta tells him immediately about how Mike and Jules have been flirting, but Alex says he’s here for work and won’t get involved.

Alex: I’m not getting involved in the drama.

Aaaaand Alex doesn’t take Mike’s bisexuality seriously. I’m sure this is the last we’ll hear of this.

Back at the club the next day, Panos immediately compliments Jonitta, because there’s a first time for everything. The VIPs today are four Italian women with millions of followers, and the guys are assigned to serve them. Panos also calls Brent out for acting like a couple with Sara, and asks him to end the relationship on the spot. He doesn’t really answer, but Panos is not happy. Brent’s job for the morning is handing out fliers to convince people to come to the club on Monday, and he’s livid. Sorry, but I’ll watch Brent do “peasant work” any day.

The Italian VIPs show up, and Alex, Aristotle, and Brent are working with them. Alex is killing it, partly because he speaks Italian, and partly because he’s willing to make out with the girls. Panos and Lindsay are obsessed with him, and all the other Hosts are scared sh*tless. Will someone get sent home? I guess we’ll find out next week!

Images: MTV; Giphy (4)

Lindsay Lohan Is Having Her Best Week In Years

I never realistically thought I’d be saying this in 2018, but things are really going well for Lindsay Lohan right now. Lindsay has had something of a renaissance this year, suddenly becoming relevant after years of mostly being a joke. She’s reinvented herself as some kind of European/Middle Eastern businesswoman over the past couple years, which is obviously better than being passed out in the back of cabs. This summer, her club in Mykonos really took off, and now we have a reality show because of it.

Really, I’m so thankful for this moment. Yesterday, we were blessed with the first trailer for Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club, which premieres January 8th on MTV. Now, I definitely think they could’ve come up with a slightly more creative name for the show, but at least it’s descriptive. In the trailer, we don’t see a lot of what’s actually going to happen on the show, but instead we get a nice voiceover of Lindsay talking about how people always gave her sh*t for going to clubs, so she opened her own. Same, girl! At the end of the trailer, Lindsay asks if we missed her, and if your answer is anything other than a hard yes, please see yourself out.

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The wait is over!!! I’m so excited for you all to see my new show #LindsayLohansBeachClub! Watch the series premiere Tuesday, January 8th at 8/7c on @mtv and follow @MTVBeachClub for more updates! ????

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The big question in the show will be who the other randos in the cast are, which could make or break the whole thing. The show will feature a “handpicked team of young and ambitious VIP hosts who will have to do whatever it takes to secure Lohan’s name as the definition of vacation luxury,” so I just really hope these psychos will bring the drama as much as the Vanderpump Rules cast.

Also on Monday, PAPER magazine dropped the digital cover of their “Break The Internet” issue, also featuring Lindsay Lohan. As you’ll recall, Amanda Bynes was given the main cover for the issue, which is fine. The photoshoot of Lindsay Lohan, however, is f*cking everything I’ve ever wanted in this life. Someone at PAPER had the glorious idea of featuring Lindsay as various Disney princesses, and it’s both hilarious and fierce at the same time. My whole life as a celebrity-obsessed gay man has been preparing me for these photos.

Please scroll through these photos, because each one is better than the last:

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????Thank you @papermagazine for such a fun shoot!! Thanks you @jeff_bark @clairexvalentine @lanajlackey @makeupmark @panosphair @schoolfloat @dwndwntwn ????????

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Hear that sound? That’s the sound of my soul leaving my body upon seeing Lindsay Lohan as bedazzled escort Cinderella. I’m obsessed. Lindsay might not have been included in the “thank u, next” music video (and she seemed a little thirsty about it), but this is definitely the next best thing.

Luckily, we only have to wait one more month for Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club to premiere, and I can’t wait to see how much of a sh*tshow it’ll be. Get ready, because Lindsay Lohan is back and just as delusional as ever.

Images: @lindsaylohan / Instagram (2)