‘Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club’ Recap: Champagne Gun Lindsay

Welcome back to another sunny week at Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club. The sun is shining, the cabanas are empty, and Brent is probably still an asshole. I’m sure there will be plenty of drama on Lohan Island Mykonos tonight, so let’s get started.

It’s a new day at the club, and all the hosts say they want to leave the drama back at the house. Famous last words. Lindsay shows up to the staff meeting and brags that she got to work at 9am today. Glad to know her greatest achievement is the bare minimum I have to do to not get fired. Lindsay tells the Hosts that Alesso is coming to the club, so everyone will be on high alert. She then announces that there will be a new Ambassador coming soon, and Sara uses the word “shook” twice in one sentence. Honestly, Brent is the only one who’s not shook, because he apparently forgot he got in a fight with his boss yesterday.

Panos asks Jules if she wants to serve Alesso, and of course she says yes. Then Panos goes “No, I don’t think so,” and gives the job to Brent and Jonitta. Excuse me? If my boss pulled that sh*t with me, there’d be an HR complaint filed 10 seconds later.

Brent thinks he still has a chance with Sara after he called her the gum on the bottom of his shoe and she dumped a drink on him. We see footage of him apologizing to her, and she’s like, “I’m just over it all.” He thinks everything is good and hopes they can still go on a date. The lack of self-awareness is astounding. We also find out that Natasha, the VIP that Brent made out with, is coming back to the club, and now Brent feels awkward. He doesn’t want to make Sara mad, so he’s just gonna ignore the VIP client. I’m sure Panos will love that.

Mike and Jules immediately go hang out and flirt in the ocean, which is exactly what Panos told them not to do. Jules is here for a good time, not a long time, but there’s definitely going to be trouble.

Brent and Jonitta sit down to figure out a spa menu for Alesso, which seems like it shouldn’t be their job, but whatever. Jonitta finds some fancy Himalayan salt in the kitchen, so I’m sure everything will be fine. Natasha shows up, and she immediately requests that Brent come say hi to her. Brent acts like a little f*cking baby, and refuses to come at first. Then Panos has to force him over, and it’s literally the most awkward hello I’ve ever seen. Mike says that Brent needs to “nut up or shut up,” and I just spit out my drink.

Alesso shows up, and he has a swollen foot. Lindsay goes full Red Cross nurse, wrapping a bandage around it and barking orders in her fake Russian accent.

Lindsay’s Accent: DON’T LET HIM TAKE THAT OFF
Me:

Brent tells Sara about what went down with Natasha, and Sara literally could not care less. I’m glad to see Brent is tanking his job to impress a woman who doesn’t want him. It’s what he deserves.

Lindsay tells us that her biggest fear in life is being judged. Does she not remember that she literally tried to kidnap children on Instagram Live? She’s waltzing around the club with a machine gun that shoots champagne, and I have several thousand questions. She lines up all the VIP Hosts and shoots them with the champagne, and all the women are very stressed about getting their hair wet. It’s a tough life here at Lohan Beach House.

It’s the next day, and the VIP Hosts have the whole day off. So much time for drama activities! Sara tells Jules that she’s forgiven Brent, but I have one major concern. Sara keeps calling him “Brett,” and I really don’t think she knows his name. Panos calls Mike to tell him that the new Host, Alex, is someone he knows from back home. Mike is like, “Oh yeah, Alex, from work,” and then tells us that he and Alex have definitely f*cked. But now Alex has a boyfriend, and Mike is into Jules, so I’m sure this won’t cause any drama!

Narrator: It would cause drama, and lots of it. 

Suddenly it’s 10pm, which makes sense because I fully believe that these people slept all day. They go to dinner, and Mike drops the bomb about the new arrival. They stress for like 30 seconds, then hit up the club. While Mike and Jules are making out, Brent takes Sara and Jonitta to Alesso’s show at a different club. Panos sees Jonitta promoting Lohan Beach House, and is immediately impressed. Panos acts super tough to please, but the bar has been set, like, very low for these people.

No. NO. NOOOOOO. Brent asks Sara to be his girlfriend, and I have never been more angry. She doesn’t really say yes, but she continues to flirt and dance with him. SARA. 48 hours ago, this man called you a two. A TWO.

Alex arrives the next day, and he has the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. Mike picks him up at the airport, and then brings him back to the house to meet everyone. Jonitta says he’s the hottest guy she’s ever seen, and the women are heartbroken when they find out he’s gay. Jonitta tells him immediately about how Mike and Jules have been flirting, but Alex says he’s here for work and won’t get involved.

Alex: I’m not getting involved in the drama.
Me:

Aaaaand Alex doesn’t take Mike’s bisexuality seriously. I’m sure this is the last we’ll hear of this.

Back at the club the next day, Panos immediately compliments Jonitta, because there’s a first time for everything. The VIPs today are four Italian women with millions of followers, and the guys are assigned to serve them. Panos also calls Brent out for acting like a couple with Sara, and asks him to end the relationship on the spot. He doesn’t really answer, but Panos is not happy. Brent’s job for the morning is handing out fliers to convince people to come to the club on Monday, and he’s livid. Sorry, but I’ll watch Brent do “peasant work” any day.

The Italian VIPs show up, and Alex, Aristotle, and Brent are working with them. Alex is killing it, partly because he speaks Italian, and partly because he’s willing to make out with the girls. Panos and Lindsay are obsessed with him, and all the other Hosts are scared sh*tless. Will someone get sent home? I guess we’ll find out next week!

Images: MTV; Giphy (4)

‘Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club’ Recap: Oprah Is My 911

It’s been a week since our first taste of Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club, and I’m ready for more. Seriously, so many people have asked me about the show in the past week that I really haven’t stopped thinking about it. What will happen tonight? Will the Beach House turn into a prostitution ring? Will Lindsay’s Turkish accent truly come out? So many possibilities.

All of the ambassadors are getting ready and talking about how they want to learn as much as possible from Lindsay. They’re acting like Lindsay is a life coach and not a ticket to Instagram influencer status. This should be a good episode, I can feel it in my bones.

Lindsay says that, “after a rough start,” she’s ready to get down to business. Oh, you mean when you showed up unannounced on the first night, and were appalled that your employees were drinking the booze you gave them? Okay. She’s making them all write their intentions on pieces of paper, and Lindsay is acting like she’s leading these people through a 12-step program. We only hear three people’s intentions, but two of them are “Grow the Lohan brand,” so Lindsay is happy. We find out that Oprah is Lindsay’s “911.” She asks Oprah for advice whenever she does anything. Unclear whether Oprah responds to these manic texts.

It’s a new day at the Beach House, and today’s VIP client is Lakis, a designer who shows up carrying two small dogs and wearing the largest sun hat I’ve ever seen. Aristotle is assigned to the VIP today, because Panos wants him to get over his social anxiety. Okay, we’ve seen Lakis for a total of ten seconds, but I can already tell he’s the absolute worst thing you could do to a person with anxiety. Panos tells Brent that he’ll be assisting Aristotle, and he argues that he should be working the door. Panos tells him not to talk back, and there’s immediately drama brewing. Brent’s ego is already my third favorite character this season.

Lakis wants his feet washed with hot towels, so that’s how this is going to go. He makes Aristotle “dance” with him, which consists of some weird acro-yoga poses that definitely aren’t safe. Brent is embarrassed by the foot washing, and decides he’s done helping Aristotle. Lindsay immediately notices, and she’s not happy about it. We see Aristotle wandering around looking for Brent, and the other Ambassadors are just sitting around eating French fries. Do these people have a job?

Now that he’s left his job responsibilities behind, Brent is back to focusing on getting laid. He says he “feels substance with Sara,” and “could definitely see a future with her.” Brent, you’ve been here for three days, and you spent one of those days hooking up with Natasha the VIP client. This isn’t The Bachelor, chill out.

Aristotle sits down with Panos to talk sh*t about Brent, and Panos is not happy. Aristotle then goes to talk sh*t with Lindsay, and she’s mad too. Okay, so Brent is obviously a douche, but doesn’t Aristotle still have a client to worry about? Apparently snitches don’t get stitches at Lohan Beach House. Lindsay threatens to send Brent home, which obviously won’t happen, because we still have a 10-episode season to get through.

And now we’re back at the Host villa for the night, because these people only work for like four hours a day. Oh hey Billy, forgot you existed! He gets in some hot tub time with Sara, so he’s obviously gonna have beef with Brent.

They start a game of Truth or Dare, which Aristotle kicks off by doing a naked lap around the backyard. Let’s hope Lindsay doesn’t pull up in her Mini Cooper right now, because she would be sorely disappointed. Brent asks Sara which girl she likes the least, which is her opportunity to stir the sh*t with May again. Oh wait, no, Brent decides to go in on May on her behalf. Classy.

Billy to Brent: “I dare you to try to go tomorrow without calling somebody out on their bullsh*t.”
Me to Billy:

This is the content I’m here for, thank you Billy.

OMG. Billy is talking to Sara, and Brent pops his head in and goes “Am I interrupting?” He seriously thinks he’s on The Bachelor. Sara then sits down with the girls to talk about her predicament. She’s more into Billy, but she likes the attention from Brent. Honestly, as someone who loves attention, I respect this.

Jules (the blonde one who we haven’t seen at all) immediately tells Brent about what Billy said to Sara, and it goes exactly as well as you’d expect. Brent screams for Billy to come outside, and then says that they’re living in A HOUSE OF UGLY GIRLS. OH MY GOD, NO. He just called them all 2s, which is 1) untrue, and 2) so incredibly, unbelievably rude.

Brent: We’re going to gay clubs. We’re going to clubs with six old men, and I need to nut.
Billy: 

All the women are eavesdropping on this sh*tshow, and Jules comes over to break the tension. He says back home, he’d maybe talk to Sara if she weighed seven pounds less. Sir, you were saying you see a future with this woman literally six hours ago. Jonitta and Sara then come over and dump a bunch of drinks on Brent’s head. THIS. IS. EVERYTHING. The women are totally bonding over this, and I’m completely here for it.

Meanwhile, it’s 11:30pm at Lindsay’s villa, and she’s cooking fish for dinner. Her friend calls her Martha Stewart, to which she responds “I’m not Martha Stewart, I’ve already been to jail.” God bless.

Back at the Host villa, Brent is chugging tequila out of the bottle, while everyone else literally begs him to stop drinking. Brent passes out on the living room floor, and then suddenly he’s throwing up on the side of the road. Does the house not have toilets for throwing up? Why are you in the road??

The next morning, Panos puts Brent in his place for abandoning Aristotle the previous day. Brent then calls Panos “buddy.” 30 minutes have passed, and Brent’s ego is now my least favorite character, in case you were wondering.

Brent requests a one-on-one with Panos, and he’s acting like he is totally running the show here. Sorry Brent, but the floral romper Panos has on is clearly the star of this scene. Panos FaceTimes Lindsay, and he has to remind her who Brent is. I’m screaming. It’s only the second episode, and we’re already having to rely on FaceTime to get Lindsay on camera. It’s going well!

Images: MTV; Giphy (4)

‘Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club’ Recap: Welcome To Mykonos, Betch

When Lindsay Lohan first announced her new reality show last summer, I’ll admit I was skeptical. Would it be good? Would it ever even happen? Well, the answer to that second question is yes, and in terms of the first question, we’re about to find out. Welcome to the first-ever Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club recap; I’m sure we’re in for a wild ride.

We open on a moody montage of Lindsay talking about her life. Lindsay has been working for 28 years, and I’m exhausted just thinking about that. Why can’t I disappear and then emerge as a club owner in Mykonos? Is this a career path I can pursue? HMU on LinkedIn if you know of any opportunities.

Now we’re meeting Panos, Lindsay’s business partner and creative director. Panos is “cutthroat,” but he also feels like LiLo is part of his family. Same. Panos is a fabulous Greek man, and you can already tell he wants to be the breakout star of this show.

So the whole premise of the show is that they’ve hired all these “VIP Hosts” from the US to work at the beach house for the summer. The hosts are now arriving, and we see Lindsay telling Panos like they’ve never discussed this before. It is 100% scripted, and I don’t even care. Oh reality TV, please never change.

Michael: “I’ve woken up in celebrities’ beds before.” Mike is bisexual, so I’m sure he’ll get in plenty of trouble this season.

Jules: Jules has experience as a “model marketing server,” so she’s not a bartender, just a hot girl who gives people their drinks. Sounds legit.

Brent: The token douchebag. His friends call him the “waitress slayer,” because he’s been fired for sleeping with everyone in the past.

Sara: She’s a Pakistani Muslim but don’t worry, she’s still a hoe.

Aristotle: Tbh, Aristotle is barely in this episode, and I can’t tell you anything about him, other than that he’s a snack.

Billy: Billy believes that, as a VIP Host, “You’re essentially a therapist for these people.” Oh no, honey no.

Gabi: Gabi shows up with blue hair, and she like to have a good time. “On a typical day she’s on top of the bar taking shots,” so I’m sure that’ll go over well with Lindsay.

Jonitta: She’s super pretty, kind of like Jordyn Woods, but with a job.

May: May tells us right away that she flirts with her clients, which I think is kind of implied in all of this. But good job May, thanks for being honest.

Lindsay and Panos are now reviewing these people’s files, as if they’re still deciding which ones to hire. The biggest issue with one photo is that Lindsay says “It’s like she wants to be one of the Jenners.” Okay Lindsay, cut the crap. ALL of these people want to be one of the Jenners. YOU want to be one of the Jenners. They invented this shit!

Staff Meeting #1: Panos is running the show, and he makes it clear that their job is to sell as much expensive sh*t as possible. Jonitta stupidly asks if they’re only going to be judged on sales, to which Panos replies “You’re going to be judged on everything, don’t worry.” All of these kids are like thank you Panos, but can we please meet Lindsay. Panos tells them to “Go back to the villa and rest up for your meetings with Lindsay tomorrow,” as if they have a half marathon in the morning.

At dinner, we quickly establish that everyone is single, clearing the way for this season to get spectacularly messy. Brent wastes no time, saying that blondes aren’t his cup of tea, and quickly turning his attention to Sara. He calls her “exotic,” and I fully want to crawl in a hole and die. Cut to her confessional, where she says he’s not her usual type, because he’s not a basketball player or celebrity. I have this same problem all the time.

They’re all partying in the pool after dinner and Lindsay and Panos show up unannounced in a Mini Cooper. This cannot end well. Lindsay acts like she just walked in and found a dead body in the pool. They’re just pounding some shots on their first night in Mykonos, give them a break. Apparently this is the perfect time to do introductions with Lindsay, because these producers are shady AF.

Gabi gets put on blast for only being in a bra at this impromptu meeting. Lindsay says “It’s like me going to meet Steven Spielberg in a bra and wet hair.” Lol at LiLo acting like she’s had any prestigious Hollywood meetings since 2005. Gabi is then told that she must dye her hair pink because the DJ already has blue hair, and according to Panos, “they’re not Avatars.” Panos is already more than I can handle, and I love it.

Jules moved back to Denver and is ready to “spread her wings and like whatever.” I think she’s looking for the word “fly,” but I can’t be too sure. Lindsay asks if she’s Buddhist (hard no), which is the perfect segue for Lindsay to talk about meditation. God, she’s crazy.

Lindsay then asks what Gabi would do if she and another girl liked the same guy. This seems like a completely inappropriate boss/employee conversation topic, but I guess the ~Lohan Brand~ hasn’t invested in an HR department yet. Lindsay is worried that Gabi isn’t here for the right reasons, and Gabi responds by admitting she’s there because she’s selfish. Lindsay claims Gabi wants her own show, and storms off.

After Lindsay leaves, the Hosts establish some house rules:

1. The smoosh room is open to everyone.

Oh wait, that was the only rule they said. Should be a fun time.

Now Lindsay is with Panos, and she’s crying. She’s still stressed about Gabi trying to take advantage of her. “I have no emotion when it comes to money and business.” Look, it’s 2019, can we stop talking about emotions like they’re a problem? Okay, this is actually sad. A few years ago, Lindsay’s ex hit her on the beach in Mykonos, and she vowed that instead of giving up, one day she would own that beach.

Now it’s the first day at the beach club, and Panos is mad that they’re late. Brent immediately gets in trouble for wearing a white blazer, and now he’s whining because he’s obviously the most stylish. How many episodes before Brent does something stupid and gets fired?

Lindsay has some rainbow eyeshadow going, and it is, um, a choice. She looks like she went to EDC a week ago and hasn’t washed her face since. She says she’s worried about looking old, so maybe she should try some makeup that doesn’t look like she got beaten up by a clown. I truly want the best for Lindsay Lohan, and this makeup situation is far from the best.

Our featured VIP client today is a model named Natasha, and Brent is assigned to be her b*tch for the day. Natasha obviously wants to f*ck Brent, which is annoying AF. He takes her swimsuit shopping across the street (normal), and then we see them fully making out in the cabana. Am I unclear about what VIP hosts are?? Is this a show about prostitutes?

It’s 7PM, and Panos is mad. Jonitta is lying down, wasted and the other hosts are just grinding on each other and ignoring the clients. Back at the house, Jonitta yells at Brent for not working hard enough, just seconds after we saw her drunkenly rolling around on a daybed. I love this sh*t already.

Staff Meeting #2: Panos is wearing a bright orange baker boy hat. I’m obsessed. He applauds Brent for being a manwhore, and calls Jonitta the weakest link. The 2020 election might be heating up, but I’m mostly here for Brent vs. Jonitta.

I’ll be honest, this was a wild ride. I enjoyed it more than I was expecting, and I’m very excited to see what this season has in store!

Images: MTV; Giphy (2)

Lindsay Lohan Is Reportedly Making A ‘Vanderpump Rules’ Style Reality Show

Lindsay Lohan has had a tough time finding her groove as an adult, but she’s finally getting there. She’s turning 32 today, and it seems like she’s actually in a really good place. A few months back, I roasted Lindsay pretty hard for her interview with Magazine, in which she described like, 14 different businesses she was working on, and she also talked about wanting to win an Oscar. That interview was a lot, but today I have nothing negative to say about Lindsay. It’s her birthday, and we have some very exciting news to celebrate: Lindsay Lohan is reportedly coming back to reality TV, and it sounds fucking amazing.

As you may know, Lindsay’s most legitimate business these days is running nightclubs in Greece. If you didn’t know that, welcome to 2018, shit’s wild. In 2016, LiLo opened Lohan Nightclub in Athens, and it’s apparently like, super fun. She followed that up this year with two more clubs, one in Rhodes, and Lohan Beach House in Mykonos, which also includes a restaurant. That brings us to the best news I’ve heard in literal months. Lindsay Lohan is reportedly doing a new reality show for MTV, and it’s basically going to be like Vanderpump Rules. OH MY FUCKING GOD. It may be Lindsay’s birthday, but she’s the one giving us a gift this year.

Here’s the commercial for the actual club in Mykonos, and the accompanying Instagram caption which is the best thing I’ve ever read:

#lohanbeachhouse #mykonos ???????? life is precious, we must not take advantage of what we are given. We must take the tools of our experiences and use those tools to give back to others. No judgment. Just be #grateful also if you need a @lawyer_com come to @lohannightclub #protection

A post shared by Lindsay Lohan (@lindsaylohan) on

I really need a minute to process how incredible this could be. Obviously they have to get the casting right, but if they can assemble a crew of idiots half as entertaining as Jax, Stassi, Lala, and the gang, this is going to be must-see TV. Lindsay Lohan as the Lisa Vanderpump-esque figure is perfection. Think about it: Lisa and Lindsay are both gay icons, they have exotic accents (fake or real), and they each look about 10 years older than they actually are. I cannot wait to see Lindsay in charge of a bunch of dumb kids who just want a reason to party in Mykonos for the summer.

Just picture Lindsay Lohan in this outfit saying these words:

I. Am. In. Heaven.

This also plays perfectly into my fantasy of Lindsay someday returning to the US and becoming a Real Housewife. I’m sure Dubai and Greece are a lot of fun and all, but America needs its OG child star back. And in case you’re worried that Lindsay has become too much of a real adult to be entertaining, she’s still not that normal. In a recent New York Times profile, Linds said that Tiffany Trump is a close friend and she’s coming to visit her soon in Greece, She also says she feels so safe living in Dubai that she often leaves her doors unlocked. I hope to one day trust one person as much as Lindsay Lohan trusts the entire population of Dubai.

Speaking of Dubai, Lindsay is currently working on her club there, which will be on its own island. That’s right, Lindsay Lohan owns a fucking island, and soon you’ll be able to party there. I told you 2018 is wild.

Happy birthday Lindsay, and please have this reality show ready by the time Bachelor in Paradise ends.

Images: @lindsaylohan / Instagram; Giphy