‘Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club’ Recap: The Regina George Of The House

Welcome back to another week of Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club. This week, MTV has conveniently moved the show to Monday, so it directly conflicts with both Vanderpump Rules and The Bachelor. This is really proving my dedication to Panos and Lindsay. Tonight we’re getting two new VIP Hosts, and Lindsay will decide what to do with Jonitta and Gaby after last week’s fight. Should be a good episode!

We pick up where we left off, with Lindsay and Panos arriving at the Host villa to deal with Gaby and Jonitta. Jonitta is wearing a shirt that says “LIKE, REALIZING STUFF,” which I flat-out need in my life. Lindsay is in full conflict mediator mode, and she explains in her thickest fake Russian accent: “You popped off. And then she popped back off.” I’m on the edge of my seat.

Jonitta interrupts Lindsay while she’s talking about the Lohan brand. That’s definitely not allowed. And now Lindsay is crying because women all need to stick together. Glad to see she believes in Lala Kent’s brand of feminism.

Gaby and Jonitta hug it out, and that’s the end of the meeting. I have never been more underwhelmed in my life.

But now Lindsay is sitting down with all the hosts, and says she might just say f*ck it and send everyone home. Yeah, that’s not gonna happen. Lindsay tells a story about how one time she was 30 minutes late to a film set and she got yelled at. I’m pretty sure she’s describing every single day of her career, but ok.

Aaaaand everyone gets to stay in Mykonos! Lindsay tells the hosts that she asked Oprah for her advice about this situation, so take a shot for that name drop. The hosts are like “What did she say??” and Lindsay just says that Oprah is the coolest person ever. This definitely means that Oprah didn’t respond. Panos is mad that no one got fired, but this is all about the Lohan brand.

It’s the next day, and the Hosts gather for a staff meeting at the club. We’re told that this is day 11 of them being in Mykonos, which is fully insane. This show is definitely aging me.

Panos is wearing a rainbow leopard print vest, which feels correct. Jonitta and Gaby are partnered together for the day, because of course. Lindsay thinks they’re gonna be best friends now, because she’s naive and doesn’t understand adult relationships. They’re assigned to the VIP clients for the day, Terrence J and Jasmine. I hate Jasmine immediately, because she’s the prettiest person I’ve ever seen.

Terrence J gives Jonitta a weird unprompted pep talk about being an adult, and Jonitta blurts out that she got in an altercation with Gaby. Jasmine and Terrence help the ladies talk things out, and then Terrence sends Jonitta to look for seashells on the beach. Yeah, sure, why not.

The VIPs want some weird drink with a pineapple infusion, so Panos sends May to the kitchen to ask about it. She really struggles to figure out this drink situation, and somehow annoys Panos, Gaby, and Brent in the process. She’s not doing great, but Jonitta has successfully found some seashells for Terrence, so she’s really killing it today.

The VIP Hosts are on their way home, and Mike asks if May washed the dishes earlier. May says no, and suddenly Mike is full-on yelling at her in the back of the car. That escalated quickly! Clearly the producers have decided that this is May’s episode to get dragged through the mud, and it’s only a matter of time before she explodes.

They get back to the house, and Mike and May are still screaming at each other about the dishes. If I cared this much about washing dishes, I would’ve thrown my roommates into the f*cking ocean by now.

Jonitta: That van has a curse on it.

Now May is mad at Jules for not sticking up for her in the van. This is a good reminder that Jules is still here. Who knew! Meanwhile, Brent and Sara are getting hot and heavy again, because apparently she forgot that he called her “the gum on the bottom of his shoe” less than 11 days ago. I have no hope for these people.

Brent: I don’t like odd numbers. So you either have to kiss me twice or four times.

Now everyone is arguing again on the patio, and May just called Jules a fake-ass bitch. Aristotle says this is all crazy, because Lindsay is all about women’s empowerment. Nice try Aristotle, but Lindsay is actually all about the Lohan brand. Mike is literally screaming at May, and I’m truly not sure why. Is this still about dishes??

It’s a new day all of a sudden, and it’s time to meet our two newest VIP Hosts. There’s Kyle, an NYC bartender, who’s here to “make Lohan Beach House the sh*t.” Cool. The other new Host is Kailah, who was on a random season of The Real World in 2016. The old Hosts arrive, and Panos tells them they’re all on notice. Ooooh, scary.

The VIPs today are three models, Christina, Ctefania, and Alisa, who allegedly have millions of followers. Brent, Kailah, Kyle, Jules, and Jonitta are assiged to the VIPs, who must be the most high-maintenance people on the planet. Kailah already hates Brent, and I’m so glad to know she has taste. She thinks it’s ridiculous that Brent and Sara are dating, and I can’t believe she has rational opinions.

The models arrive, and they’re hot, of course. Brent feels like he’s being “baited,” but why would there not be hot girls at a beach club in Mykonos? That’s kind of the whole point. Lindsay says she’s always watching, which means paying attention to who’s flirting with whom. We see Brent giving one of the VIPs a massage, and surprise! Sara is pissed. As much as it pains me to be on Brent’s side, he’s literally just doing his job. He’s not sleeping with them. Kailah says Sara should get sent home, and I love that she’s not here to play around.

Panos is unhappy with Jules, May, and Sara. Will anything come of this? Will someone finally get sent home? Well, the Hosts are headed home for the night, so I guess that’s a no. When we get to the house, Brent and Sara are arguing about how their relationship is affecting their jobs. Sara thinks maybe they should cool it, and Brent storms out of the room. Okay, I’m back to hating Brent, that feels better. Sara and Jonitta decide to throw Brent’s sh*t out of the room, and I’m living for every second of this.

Sara: I’m worried this is affecting our jobs.
Brent:

When Brent finds out, big surprise, he’s pissed. He reacts by throwing all of Jonitta’s clothes of the room, which she doesn’t love. Best quote of the night: “If I didn’t just smack a bitch two days ago, I swear to god you’d be my next f*cking victim.” Aaaaand Brent just dumped Sara’s clothes all over her head. Kailah takes credit for planting the seeds of doubt in Sara’s head, and compares herself to Regina George. I’ll say it for the second week in a row: I love this episode of Bad Girls Club.

The next day, Panos and Lindsay meet with each other to talk about the drama with the Hosts. She says she had a lot to think about, and that’s the end. Will someone FINALLY get fired next week? It really seems like it, but who knows at this point.

Images: MTV; Giphy (5)

‘Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club’ Recap: She’s A Thirsty Little Girl

It’s been a long week since we were last in Mykonos with Lindsay and the gang, but I’m ready for more. When we left off, new VIP host Alex had just showed up, and Lindsay and Panos seemed like they might be ready to send someone home. Will this actually happen, or is MTV just baiting us? Stay tuned.

We start off with Lindsay in some kind of wet suit electrode contraption, and I think she’s literally getting shocked. She shouts that she’s not Tomb Raider, which has…nothing to do with anything. And none of us thought that to begin with. She says that she’s noticed the VIP hosts getting more comfortable, which can only mean that something is about to go horribly wrong.

Panos is leading the staff meeting, and right now his favorites are Alex, Jonitta, and Brent. I’m definitely team #CancelBrent, so this is gonna be tough for me.

Big Shaq, who is apparently a famous rapper, is the VIP for today, and Billy is assigned to his cabana. Panos also tells the hosts to come up with ideas for a signature drink, which seems like really not their job? Lohan Beach House needs to call Tom Sandoval for some consulting. Billy makes a drink that everyone agrees is ~perfect~ even though I’m pretty sure it’s just an Aperol Spritz. But big drama is brewing, because Panos likes Gabi’s drink better.

We get a quick glimpse of Lindsay getting her makeup done, and she barks out “The struggle is real!” First of all, you mean to tell me that all of these terrible makeup looks have been the work of a professional makeup artist?! Fire this person! Also, what struggle? Lindsay’s life seems like it would be inherently easy if she could just get out of her own way.

Right now Panos has three problem hosts: Brent for his attitude, Jules because she’s too quiet, and May, just in general? I’m sure we’ll get more on this later, but for now Panos is busy flirting with Big Shaq, who just showed up.

It’s 5pm at the club, and Jonitta is f*cking fed up with Gabi. The feuds on this show come out of nowhere, but I guess I’m here for the drama. It’s time for Big Shaq’s performance, and he immediately brings Lindsay up on stage. Lindsay is wearing an entirely gold sequined dress that says “TOO GLAM TO GIVE A DAMN,” which cost $459 according to some quick googling. Sure, sounds good, love it. I’m not familiar with Big Shaq’s music, but the first lyrics we hear him rap are “2+2 is 4,” and for that reason, I’m out.

Back at the house, Mike is telling Alex about how he wants to bang Jules, mostly because he hasn’t sex in four months. Alex is not convinced, because he says Mike is gay, not bi. Um, rude, but I also seriously think they’re gonna hook up at some point, despite Alex having a boyfriend at home.

Gabi tells us a sob story about childhood health problems, which I didn’t really listen to because I was getting a snack. Sorry, not sorry. They’re really trying to make Gabi happen this episode, and idk if I’m feeling it. No wait, I know I’m not feeling it. Jonitta invited a guy from the beach club to go out with her tonight, so that hopefully he’ll be a VIP client in the future. Things start to go south when Gabi and May greet Jonitta’s date first, and then Jonitta is sh*t talking Gabi to anyone who will listen.

Remember my prediction exactly six sentences ago that Alex and Mike would hook up? Well, apparently I’m psychic, because they just drunkenly made out at the club! I’m obviously not surprised, but I kinda thought they’d make us wait longer?

Now we’re back at the house, and Jonitta confronts Gabi about how she greeted her date. Ugh, I’m so over this already. May, despite doing the same thing as Gabi, has somehow avoided the wrath of Jonitta, and she should be thankful. Gabi brushes against Jonitta’s leg, and Jonitta responds by slapping the shit out of Gabi. Wow, I love this episode of Bad Girl’s Club!!

Security is ready for this to get bad at any minute, and Gabi has to beg the cameras to leave her alone so she can have a minute to herself. She feels like she’s being attacked just for doing her job and being personable, which is pretty accurate. I like Jonitta, but I’m not sure this behavior is in line with the Lohan Brand. Which is why we’re all here. Gabi is feeling alone and doesn’t want to deal with anyone, so she leaves to spend the night at a hotel. Wait, this is an option?

The next morning, Mike and Alex sit down to chat about their kiss. Alex is like, “wow this could ruin everything between me and my boyfriend.” Mike plays along, but you know he would sleep with Alex in 10 seconds.

We see Panos watching the footage of Jonitta hitting Gabi, and he’s not happy. He first has a meeting with Gabi. Panos says “I don’t know how to control Lindsay in this situation,” and I’m confused. Is Lindsay not the boss? Why wouldn’t she already know? Shouldn’t she be at this meeting? Panos then shows up at the host villa, and calls everyone into the living room. 30 seconds into the meeting, Jonitta tells Panos that Gabi is a “thirsty little girl.” She’s wearing a shirt that says SORRY, but clearly she doesn’t dress the way she feels.

Panos goes to call Lindsay, and he kicks a stool in the kitchen on his way out. Iconic drama queen moment right there.

Sara goes to talk to Jonitta, Brent gives a speech about how he would’ve been so humble in Jonitta’s position (sure, Jan), and Alex leaves to meditate. Same. Jonitta tells Sara she’d rather get sent home than apologize, which is literally so dumb. Just say sorry, you don’t even have to mean it!

Gabi gets back to the host villa, followed closely by Lindsay and Panos. Lindsay says violence is unacceptable, but what’s even more unacceptable is the denim dress she’s wearing. They sit down for a meeting, and…CLIFFHANGER. Ugh. Will Jonitta get sent home? I guess we’ll find out next week!

Images: MTV; Giphy (2)

‘Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club’ Recap: Champagne Gun Lindsay

Welcome back to another sunny week at Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club. The sun is shining, the cabanas are empty, and Brent is probably still an asshole. I’m sure there will be plenty of drama on Lohan Island Mykonos tonight, so let’s get started.

It’s a new day at the club, and all the hosts say they want to leave the drama back at the house. Famous last words. Lindsay shows up to the staff meeting and brags that she got to work at 9am today. Glad to know her greatest achievement is the bare minimum I have to do to not get fired. Lindsay tells the Hosts that Alesso is coming to the club, so everyone will be on high alert. She then announces that there will be a new Ambassador coming soon, and Sara uses the word “shook” twice in one sentence. Honestly, Brent is the only one who’s not shook, because he apparently forgot he got in a fight with his boss yesterday.

Panos asks Jules if she wants to serve Alesso, and of course she says yes. Then Panos goes “No, I don’t think so,” and gives the job to Brent and Jonitta. Excuse me? If my boss pulled that sh*t with me, there’d be an HR complaint filed 10 seconds later.

Brent thinks he still has a chance with Sara after he called her the gum on the bottom of his shoe and she dumped a drink on him. We see footage of him apologizing to her, and she’s like, “I’m just over it all.” He thinks everything is good and hopes they can still go on a date. The lack of self-awareness is astounding. We also find out that Natasha, the VIP that Brent made out with, is coming back to the club, and now Brent feels awkward. He doesn’t want to make Sara mad, so he’s just gonna ignore the VIP client. I’m sure Panos will love that.

Mike and Jules immediately go hang out and flirt in the ocean, which is exactly what Panos told them not to do. Jules is here for a good time, not a long time, but there’s definitely going to be trouble.

Brent and Jonitta sit down to figure out a spa menu for Alesso, which seems like it shouldn’t be their job, but whatever. Jonitta finds some fancy Himalayan salt in the kitchen, so I’m sure everything will be fine. Natasha shows up, and she immediately requests that Brent come say hi to her. Brent acts like a little f*cking baby, and refuses to come at first. Then Panos has to force him over, and it’s literally the most awkward hello I’ve ever seen. Mike says that Brent needs to “nut up or shut up,” and I just spit out my drink.

Alesso shows up, and he has a swollen foot. Lindsay goes full Red Cross nurse, wrapping a bandage around it and barking orders in her fake Russian accent.

Lindsay’s Accent: DON’T LET HIM TAKE THAT OFF
Me:

Brent tells Sara about what went down with Natasha, and Sara literally could not care less. I’m glad to see Brent is tanking his job to impress a woman who doesn’t want him. It’s what he deserves.

Lindsay tells us that her biggest fear in life is being judged. Does she not remember that she literally tried to kidnap children on Instagram Live? She’s waltzing around the club with a machine gun that shoots champagne, and I have several thousand questions. She lines up all the VIP Hosts and shoots them with the champagne, and all the women are very stressed about getting their hair wet. It’s a tough life here at Lohan Beach House.

It’s the next day, and the VIP Hosts have the whole day off. So much time for drama activities! Sara tells Jules that she’s forgiven Brent, but I have one major concern. Sara keeps calling him “Brett,” and I really don’t think she knows his name. Panos calls Mike to tell him that the new Host, Alex, is someone he knows from back home. Mike is like, “Oh yeah, Alex, from work,” and then tells us that he and Alex have definitely f*cked. But now Alex has a boyfriend, and Mike is into Jules, so I’m sure this won’t cause any drama!

Narrator: It would cause drama, and lots of it. 

Suddenly it’s 10pm, which makes sense because I fully believe that these people slept all day. They go to dinner, and Mike drops the bomb about the new arrival. They stress for like 30 seconds, then hit up the club. While Mike and Jules are making out, Brent takes Sara and Jonitta to Alesso’s show at a different club. Panos sees Jonitta promoting Lohan Beach House, and is immediately impressed. Panos acts super tough to please, but the bar has been set, like, very low for these people.

No. NO. NOOOOOO. Brent asks Sara to be his girlfriend, and I have never been more angry. She doesn’t really say yes, but she continues to flirt and dance with him. SARA. 48 hours ago, this man called you a two. A TWO.

Alex arrives the next day, and he has the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. Mike picks him up at the airport, and then brings him back to the house to meet everyone. Jonitta says he’s the hottest guy she’s ever seen, and the women are heartbroken when they find out he’s gay. Jonitta tells him immediately about how Mike and Jules have been flirting, but Alex says he’s here for work and won’t get involved.

Alex: I’m not getting involved in the drama.
Me:

Aaaaand Alex doesn’t take Mike’s bisexuality seriously. I’m sure this is the last we’ll hear of this.

Back at the club the next day, Panos immediately compliments Jonitta, because there’s a first time for everything. The VIPs today are four Italian women with millions of followers, and the guys are assigned to serve them. Panos also calls Brent out for acting like a couple with Sara, and asks him to end the relationship on the spot. He doesn’t really answer, but Panos is not happy. Brent’s job for the morning is handing out fliers to convince people to come to the club on Monday, and he’s livid. Sorry, but I’ll watch Brent do “peasant work” any day.

The Italian VIPs show up, and Alex, Aristotle, and Brent are working with them. Alex is killing it, partly because he speaks Italian, and partly because he’s willing to make out with the girls. Panos and Lindsay are obsessed with him, and all the other Hosts are scared sh*tless. Will someone get sent home? I guess we’ll find out next week!

Images: MTV; Giphy (4)