If you felt your LiLo senses tingling at all over the past few days, we finally know why. The Artist Formerly Know As Cady Heron shocked everyone this week by launching her own subscription lifestyle website called “Preemium,” which is spelled with an extra e for “exclusive content.” Because most people who look at Lindsay Lohan’s lifestyle think, “Yes. This is something I would like to emulate.” That being said, LiLo has gone through a lot of transformations over the past couple of years. (Didn’t she convert to Islam at one point? It’s hard to keep up.) So it’s no surprise to hear that she apparently took an Adderall and made a website. According to Lindsay, this website is a part of her “period of renewal,” which either means she’s attempting to change her life again, or has run out of weed and needs to re-up from her dealer. Either way, the entire endeavor is delightfully shade-worthy, which is why I immediately logged in and spent a full 15 minutes (15x the amount of minutes you need on Preemium) to see what this shit is all about. You’re welcome.
Now, when one thinks “Lindsay Lohan” and “Lifestyle” a giant bag of half-snorted coke probably comes to mind, but after a brief perusal of the site today I found that it is sadly not the deep web drug purchasing app I’d hoped for. Nope. It’s actually just a lifestyle website with a bunch of pictures of Lindsay Lohan’s face. Lame.
So what exactly is Preemium? Other than Lindsay Lohan’s weird attempt at a Goop/Kardashian knockoff? Well, honestly, after a full 15 minutes of looking at it, that still remains unclear. There appears to be a “follow” feature, but as of right now there is only one person you can follow, and that person is Lindsay Lohan. Okay.
According to Lindsay, there are tons of perks to following her:
“I will give you access to all my exclusive content and tell you all my secrets and breaking news before anyone else. You will get personal diaries, video updates, exclusive personal photos, fashion and beauty tutorials, shopping guides, behind the scenes content, my favorite products and much more. To get an all-access pass to my life, Preemium is must-have for all my fans and followers”
First of all, that’s a lot of shit for one website. Considering Lindsay hasn’t showed up to set on time since 2008, I have a hard time she’s going to be able to deliver on such an intense content schedule.
But here’s the problem, in order to see this exclusive content, you have to pay $2.99/month, which I’m 100% not doing. If I’m not going to pay $2.99 for Kylie Jenner’s app to show me how to paint a completely new face onto my current face, then I’m not paying $2.99 to look at Lindsay Lohan’s grainy selfies. Being a writer doesn’t pay enough for that. Honestly, no job pays enough for that.
Oh, and as far as the “exclusive content,” from what I can tell based on the previews, right now it’s:
A “photo shoot” in a tube station, which is obviously just one of Lindsay Lohan’s friends taking pictures of her while they wait for the train.
BTS of a “Milan photoshoot” that looks like it was a porno:
And something called #MELOVESYOU which just looks like Lindsay Lohan and someone she pays to be friends with her in a photo booth:
And that’s…it. That’s literally all you get on the website. Lindsay does say on Instagram that she’s going to be posting a lot there soon, so maybe the content will get juicier, but as of right now it’s not worth the bandwidth.
All that being said, Lindsay, I love you. You’re doing great, sweetie.