Lindsay Lohan is in kind of a weird place. After being one of the biggest movie stars of the early 2000s, she’s all but been banished to pursue random AF careers in the Middle East. After several years of failed relationships and business ventures (remember her candle line? Neither do I), what does she still have? Tbh, 2019 has been a rough year for her. Her club in Mykonos has closed, she lost her reality show along with it, and she was tragically not cast as Ariel in the live action Little Mermaid, despite her thirsty attempts on Twitter. But now, she’s finally making a return to something she was actually good at once upon a time: music.
Earlier this month, Lindsay Lohan released her first song in over a decade, and it’s kind of a bop. It’s called “Xanax,” which makes sense, because artists are always told to sing about what they know. The track was written with Finnish singer-songwriter ALMA, (who’s low-key one of my favorite artists), who has also co-written most of Miley Cyrus’ recent songs. No, Miley didn’t write “Slide Away” by herself on a yacht in Positano, that’s not how pop music works.
“Xanax” has a slow-burning tropical vibe, and the lyrics seem like they’re ripped straight from Lindsay’s life. She sings about how going out gives her social anxiety, but whoever she’s singing about is like Xanax to her. The lyrics are actually a little heartbreaking, because I tend to forget how much sh*t Lindsay Lohan has gone through in her life. She’s never had a normal life, and she’s obviously kind of f*cked up because of it (as many child stars are). Sadly, Lindsay hasn’t put the song on iTunes or any streaming services, but I would definitely have it on my Sad Boi Fall playlist.
Basically, I’m really vibing with the song, but the music video that Lindsay Lohan posted on IGTV yesterday is… different. First of all, it’s not really a music video. As Lindsay describes it in the caption, it’s “a compilation of vignettes of life.” Okay, so really this has more in common with a bat mitzvah montage than the kind of videos Taylor Swift and Beyoncé are making. She also tagged the wrong ALMA in the caption, because of course. Whatever, she hasn’t done this whole music thing in a long time, so I’ll cut her some slack.
In the bat mitzvah montage, we see random men skateboarding, heavily filtered selfie videos of Lindsay (seriously, that yellow filter is a crime), a still photo of Lindsay with the Ken Burns effect, and a lot of footage of Lindsay shaking hands with with men in suits and women wearing head coverings in a place that looks like a desert. While the whole thing feels really disjointed, I desperately need to know more about these people Lindsay is meeting with in a parking lot. Are these foreign dignitaries? Refugees she’s screamed at? Dictator princes that Lindsay might potentially be dating? I have so many questions.
And then, the video ends with a random man in a hoodie talking about how “Becky is such a bitch.” WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? WHO IS THIS MAN? And who is Becky?? Is this a random TikTok that LiLo thought was funny, or does she know this person? Lindsay, you gotta help us out with this, because I need so much more information. In her IGTV caption, Lindsay spews some bullsh*t about “family, love, the process of moving forward and letting go of the past,” but I really just want to know who all of these people are.
I’m excited to see if Lindsay keeps up with the new music, because I genuinely do like the song. But for the next single, let’s put together an actual music video, k? In any case, here’s the audio version on YouTube, in case you want to listen to the song on repeat, but can’t handle the bizarre visuals of the video.
Welcome back, pop star LiLo, we missed you!
Images: lindsaylohan / Instagram; LindsayLohanVevo / YouTube
It’s been a week since our first taste of Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club, and I’m ready for more. Seriously, so many people have asked me about the show in the past week that I really haven’t stopped thinking about it. What will happen tonight? Will the Beach House turn into a prostitution ring? Will Lindsay’s Turkish accent truly come out? So many possibilities.
All of the ambassadors are getting ready and talking about how they want to learn as much as possible from Lindsay. They’re acting like Lindsay is a life coach and not a ticket to Instagram influencer status. This should be a good episode, I can feel it in my bones.
Lindsay says that, “after a rough start,” she’s ready to get down to business. Oh, you mean when you showed up unannounced on the first night, and were appalled that your employees were drinking the booze you gave them? Okay. She’s making them all write their intentions on pieces of paper, and Lindsay is acting like she’s leading these people through a 12-step program. We only hear three people’s intentions, but two of them are “Grow the Lohan brand,” so Lindsay is happy. We find out that Oprah is Lindsay’s “911.” She asks Oprah for advice whenever she does anything. Unclear whether Oprah responds to these manic texts.
It’s a new day at the Beach House, and today’s VIP client is Lakis, a designer who shows up carrying two small dogs and wearing the largest sun hat I’ve ever seen. Aristotle is assigned to the VIP today, because Panos wants him to get over his social anxiety. Okay, we’ve seen Lakis for a total of ten seconds, but I can already tell he’s the absolute worst thing you could do to a person with anxiety. Panos tells Brent that he’ll be assisting Aristotle, and he argues that he should be working the door. Panos tells him not to talk back, and there’s immediately drama brewing. Brent’s ego is already my third favorite character this season.
Lakis wants his feet washed with hot towels, so that’s how this is going to go. He makes Aristotle “dance” with him, which consists of some weird acro-yoga poses that definitely aren’t safe. Brent is embarrassed by the foot washing, and decides he’s done helping Aristotle. Lindsay immediately notices, and she’s not happy about it. We see Aristotle wandering around looking for Brent, and the other Ambassadors are just sitting around eating French fries. Do these people have a job?
Now that he’s left his job responsibilities behind, Brent is back to focusing on getting laid. He says he “feels substance with Sara,” and “could definitely see a future with her.” Brent, you’ve been here for three days, and you spent one of those days hooking up with Natasha the VIP client. This isn’t The Bachelor, chill out.
Aristotle sits down with Panos to talk sh*t about Brent, and Panos is not happy. Aristotle then goes to talk sh*t with Lindsay, and she’s mad too. Okay, so Brent is obviously a douche, but doesn’t Aristotle still have a client to worry about? Apparently snitches don’t get stitches at Lohan Beach House. Lindsay threatens to send Brent home, which obviously won’t happen, because we still have a 10-episode season to get through.
And now we’re back at the Host villa for the night, because these people only work for like four hours a day. Oh hey Billy, forgot you existed! He gets in some hot tub time with Sara, so he’s obviously gonna have beef with Brent.
They start a game of Truth or Dare, which Aristotle kicks off by doing a naked lap around the backyard. Let’s hope Lindsay doesn’t pull up in her Mini Cooper right now, because she would be sorely disappointed. Brent asks Sara which girl she likes the least, which is her opportunity to stir the sh*t with May again. Oh wait, no, Brent decides to go in on May on her behalf. Classy.
Billy to Brent: “I dare you to try to go tomorrow without calling somebody out on their bullsh*t.”
Me to Billy:
This is the content I’m here for, thank you Billy.
OMG. Billy is talking to Sara, and Brent pops his head in and goes “Am I interrupting?” He seriously thinks he’s on The Bachelor. Sara then sits down with the girls to talk about her predicament. She’s more into Billy, but she likes the attention from Brent. Honestly, as someone who loves attention, I respect this.
Jules (the blonde one who we haven’t seen at all) immediately tells Brent about what Billy said to Sara, and it goes exactly as well as you’d expect. Brent screams for Billy to come outside, and then says that they’re living in A HOUSE OF UGLY GIRLS. OH MY GOD, NO. He just called them all 2s, which is 1) untrue, and 2) so incredibly, unbelievably rude.
Brent: We’re going to gay clubs. We’re going to clubs with six old men, and I need to nut.
All the women are eavesdropping on this sh*tshow, and Jules comes over to break the tension. He says back home, he’d maybe talk to Sara if she weighed seven pounds less. Sir, you were saying you see a future with this woman literally six hours ago. Jonitta and Sara then come over and dump a bunch of drinks on Brent’s head. THIS. IS. EVERYTHING. The women are totally bonding over this, and I’m completely here for it.
Meanwhile, it’s 11:30pm at Lindsay’s villa, and she’s cooking fish for dinner. Her friend calls her Martha Stewart, to which she responds “I’m not Martha Stewart, I’ve already been to jail.” God bless.
Back at the Host villa, Brent is chugging tequila out of the bottle, while everyone else literally begs him to stop drinking. Brent passes out on the living room floor, and then suddenly he’s throwing up on the side of the road. Does the house not have toilets for throwing up? Why are you in the road??
The next morning, Panos puts Brent in his place for abandoning Aristotle the previous day. Brent then calls Panos “buddy.” 30 minutes have passed, and Brent’s ego is now my least favorite character, in case you were wondering.
Brent requests a one-on-one with Panos, and he’s acting like he is totally running the show here. Sorry Brent, but the floral romper Panos has on is clearly the star of this scene. Panos FaceTimes Lindsay, and he has to remind her who Brent is. I’m screaming. It’s only the second episode, and we’re already having to rely on FaceTime to get Lindsay on camera. It’s going well!
Images: MTV; Giphy (4)
I never realistically thought I’d be saying this in 2018, but things are really going well for Lindsay Lohan right now. Lindsay has had something of a renaissance this year, suddenly becoming relevant after years of mostly being a joke. She’s reinvented herself as some kind of European/Middle Eastern businesswoman over the past couple years, which is obviously better than being passed out in the back of cabs. This summer, her club in Mykonos really took off, and now we have a reality show because of it.
Really, I’m so thankful for this moment. Yesterday, we were blessed with the first trailer for Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club, which premieres January 8th on MTV. Now, I definitely think they could’ve come up with a slightly more creative name for the show, but at least it’s descriptive. In the trailer, we don’t see a lot of what’s actually going to happen on the show, but instead we get a nice voiceover of Lindsay talking about how people always gave her sh*t for going to clubs, so she opened her own. Same, girl! At the end of the trailer, Lindsay asks if we missed her, and if your answer is anything other than a hard yes, please see yourself out.
The big question in the show will be who the other randos in the cast are, which could make or break the whole thing. The show will feature a “handpicked team of young and ambitious VIP hosts who will have to do whatever it takes to secure Lohan’s name as the definition of vacation luxury,” so I just really hope these psychos will bring the drama as much as the Vanderpump Rules cast.
Also on Monday, PAPER magazine dropped the digital cover of their “Break The Internet” issue, also featuring Lindsay Lohan. As you’ll recall, Amanda Bynes was given the main cover for the issue, which is fine. The photoshoot of Lindsay Lohan, however, is f*cking everything I’ve ever wanted in this life. Someone at PAPER had the glorious idea of featuring Lindsay as various Disney princesses, and it’s both hilarious and fierce at the same time. My whole life as a celebrity-obsessed gay man has been preparing me for these photos.
Please scroll through these photos, because each one is better than the last:
Hear that sound? That’s the sound of my soul leaving my body upon seeing Lindsay Lohan as bedazzled escort Cinderella. I’m obsessed. Lindsay might not have been included in the “thank u, next” music video (and she seemed a little thirsty about it), but this is definitely the next best thing.
Luckily, we only have to wait one more month for Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club to premiere, and I can’t wait to see how much of a sh*tshow it’ll be. Get ready, because Lindsay Lohan is back and just as delusional as ever.
Images: @lindsaylohan / Instagram (2)
If you felt your LiLo senses tingling at all over the past few days, we finally know why. The Artist Formerly Know As Cady Heron shocked everyone this week by launching her own subscription lifestyle website called “Preemium,” which is spelled with an extra e for “exclusive content.” Because most people who look at Lindsay Lohan’s lifestyle think, “Yes. This is something I would like to emulate.” That being said, LiLo has gone through a lot of transformations over the past couple of years. (Didn’t she convert to Islam at one point? It’s hard to keep up.) So it’s no surprise to hear that she apparently took an Adderall and made a website. According to Lindsay, this website is a part of her “period of renewal,” which either means she’s attempting to change her life again, or has run out of weed and needs to re-up from her dealer. Either way, the entire endeavor is delightfully shade-worthy, which is why I immediately logged in and spent a full 15 minutes (15x the amount of minutes you need on Preemium) to see what this shit is all about. You’re welcome.
Now, when one thinks “Lindsay Lohan” and “Lifestyle” a giant bag of half-snorted coke probably comes to mind, but after a brief perusal of the site today I found that it is sadly not the deep web drug purchasing app I’d hoped for. Nope. It’s actually just a lifestyle website with a bunch of pictures of Lindsay Lohan’s face. Lame.
So what exactly is Preemium? Other than Lindsay Lohan’s weird attempt at a Goop/Kardashian knockoff? Well, honestly, after a full 15 minutes of looking at it, that still remains unclear. There appears to be a “follow” feature, but as of right now there is only one person you can follow, and that person is Lindsay Lohan. Okay.
According to Lindsay, there are tons of perks to following her:
“I will give you access to all my exclusive content and tell you all my secrets and breaking news before anyone else. You will get personal diaries, video updates, exclusive personal photos, fashion and beauty tutorials, shopping guides, behind the scenes content, my favorite products and much more. To get an all-access pass to my life, Preemium is must-have for all my fans and followers”
First of all, that’s a lot of shit for one website. Considering Lindsay hasn’t showed up to set on time since 2008, I have a hard time she’s going to be able to deliver on such an intense content schedule.
But here’s the problem, in order to see this exclusive content, you have to pay $2.99/month, which I’m 100% not doing. If I’m not going to pay $2.99 for Kylie Jenner’s app to show me how to paint a completely new face onto my current face, then I’m not paying $2.99 to look at Lindsay Lohan’s grainy selfies. Being a writer doesn’t pay enough for that. Honestly, no job pays enough for that.
Oh, and as far as the “exclusive content,” from what I can tell based on the previews, right now it’s:
A “photo shoot” in a tube station, which is obviously just one of Lindsay Lohan’s friends taking pictures of her while they wait for the train.
BTS of a “Milan photoshoot” that looks like it was a porno:
And something called #MELOVESYOU which just looks like Lindsay Lohan and someone she pays to be friends with her in a photo booth:
And that’s…it. That’s literally all you get on the website. Lindsay does say on Instagram that she’s going to be posting a lot there soon, so maybe the content will get juicier, but as of right now it’s not worth the bandwidth.
All that being said, Lindsay, I love you. You’re doing great, sweetie.