Remember Lil Xan? Even though it feels like it’s been decades, it’s been less than six months since his dramatic breakup with Noah Cyrus. Feel old yet? I have food that’s been in the back of my fridge longer than that, but Lil Xan’s life has changed a lot since September. He overdosed on Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and had to go to the hospital, which was an unforgettable cultural moment. More recently, though, he got a new girlfriend, got engaged to that girlfriend, and now he announced that they’re expecting a child together. Thanks, I hate it.
Right off the bat, there are some major red flags here. First of all, Annie Smith, his new fiancée, is only 18 years old. Xan is 22, so it’s not like, the world’s most problematic age gap—especially considering that he looks like a perpetually high 12-year-old—but truly no one who just graduated high school needs to be getting married or having babies. There, I said it! Here, everybody take some rubbers.
Xan and Annie (their celeb couple name is Xannie; I have decreed it) have also known each other for, like, all of five minutes. Lil Xan said they’ve been talking about getting married “forever,” but if your definition of forever is less than six months, you’re not ready to bring a child into this world.
So yeah, I was way less than convinced about the relationship in the first place, and then last week, Lil Xan blessed our timelines with this major announcement:
Oh lord, someone call Marie Kondo, because this is a goddamn mess. First of all, I really can’t with the broken heart emojis. I know it’s like, his signature thing or whatever, but I need it to stop. I’ll give them a pass on the disgusting matching brown sweatshirts, but I have more issues with the caption itself. Xan quickly says that he’s going to be a father, but then moves on to some shameless promotion for his new album. No Instagram caption should contain both a baby announcement and a reference to YouTube Space. You only get one or the other, that’s the rule.
This announcement was enough to give me hives, but now there’s been another amazing plot twist. Last Friday, Annie posted a vlog on her YouTube channel that included her and Xan seeing ultrasound photos of their baby for the first time. I’ll put the video here, in case you have way too much free time:
First of all, why are they already telling the world she’s pregnant at nine weeks? I’m no pregnancy expert, but I can feel my mom’s disapproval from 1,000 miles away. I’ll be honest, I couldn’t get through the whole thing, but viewers who were a little more attentive than me took note of some interesting things in the video. Namely, that the ultrasound photo in the video is an exact match for a random ultrasound photo that someone found on Google Images from 2009. Y’all, I’m done. If you’re skeptical, go do a Google Image search for “9 week ultrasound” right now. I just did, and this photo is the seventh result that comes up. You guys, they didn’t even try!
Here’s the GAG! People believe that @lilxanfuhyobih and Annie are lying about being pregnant because apparently in her recent YouTube video she shows the 9 week ultrasound picture and people found the exact same one on google from 2009 pic.twitter.com/SM2KSbly1x
— MessyMonday (@MESSYMONDAY) February 23, 2019
So… are Lil Xan and his fiancée faking this pregnancy? Unclear, but I don’t believe that this is a photo of whatever is growing in her uterus right now. It’s not apparent what reason they would have to literally make up a pregnancy, unless they have an elaborate scheme à la Baby Mama that’s ultimately going to benefit his career in some way. This actually sounds like it could be a hoax, but these two are definitely not smart enough to get away with it. What I do know is that I am now fully hooked into this story. Just when I was starting to think that I might have dreamt up Lil Xan after having a little too much to drink, he’s pulled me back in.
Images: messymonday / Twitter; xanxiety / Instagram; Annie Compton Smith / Youtube
I’m a writer living in New York City, so obviously I’m obsessed with therapy. And two incontrovertible truths my shrink has told me? One: using humor as a defense mechanism to compensate for my emotional unavailability is only f*cking up any of my chances at a healthy, intimate relationship, thus making me destined for crippling loneliness. Two: parents are the sole reason that anyone is so f*cked up. It’s evident that mommy and daddy issues are the lifeblood of petty drama on a public scale, toxic celebrity relationships, and reality television. We love that sh*t at Betches. So let’s all raise a vodka soda to awful parents of celebrities. I’ve rounded up who I deem to be the worst celebrity parents, but be sure not to drink too much because that could mess with your antidepressants!
1. Stephen Baldwin
Dads can be so embarrassing. One time I was at a really chic, celebrity-studded spot and Hailey Baldwin was there with her dad. She looked gorgeous, tastefully dressed, and was absolutely flawless in person, whereas her dad was wearing a trucker hat and what I believe were board shorts. I thought it was bad when I went to a Halloween party when I was little with my dad dressed up like my mom. But trust me, what Stephen did to Hailey was ten times more embarrassing.
He also was recently out to lunch with Hailey and Justin when the newlyweds got into a tiff. Color me shocked that two crazy kids who barely dated before they got married are already having trouble in paradise. Onlookers noted that Stephen facilitated in resolving the situation, and then smacked Justin on the a**. Look, a lot of us want to grab Justin’s a**, but a lot of us aren’t creepy enough to actually go there. And if Stephen playing grab-the-booty with his son-in-law isn’t proof enough that he’s a mortifying dad, peep this Instagram video and tell me this isn’t enough incriminating evidence to get emancipated:
The f*ck did I just watch?
2. Dina Lohan
Dina Lohan really loves her kids. Like, really, really loves her kids. See?
View this post on Instagram
Parent Trap #lindsaylohan #dinalohan #maternalinstinct #appledoesntfallfar #fbf
It’s ironic that Lindsay Lohan played Cady Heron in Mean Girls when she had Regina George’s mom in real life. That is if Regina George’s mom allowed underage girls to drink inside a house that hosted happy hour 24 hours a day. Dina is known to go out clubbing with Lindsay, whose substance abuse issues have previously landed her in jail. Maybe not the best idea to blatantly enable your daughter that way? IDK, I don’t have kids. I’m just spitballing ideas here.
Dina also had a failed reality show called Living Lohan. It was about her trying to get her youngest daughter Ali’s career off the ground. Critics lambasted Dina, calling it “exploitative” and “trashy”. Most reality television is exploitative and trashy, but Dina somehow managed to make it completely unwatchable. The only redeeming quality about Dina is that one time she met my ex-best friend at Starbucks and told her that she resembled her daughter when her daughter was at her peak crackhead phase.
3. Joe Simpson
In classic Donald Trump fashion, father of Ashlee and Jessica Simpson just loves to talk about his daughter’s bodies, specifically Jessica’s. Joe was quoted in a 2004 article for GQ saying, “Jessica never tries to be sexy. She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she’s sexy in both. She’s got DOUBLE Ds! You can’t cover those suckers up!” That’s totally normal praise any father would give their daughter? Right???
In 2012, Simpson was caught cheating on his wife of 34 years with an aspiring male model, Bryce Chandler Hill. Hill was only 21 at the time (younger than both his daughters) and Simpson was 54. The two were introduced by a mutual friend of Ashlee and Jessica, so it doesn’t quite get more f*cked up than that. The affair allegedly went on for a year, but Simpson still denies all rumors about being gay to this day.
To top this all off, Simpson also had his Twitter account “hacked” back in 2014. For the hour he was locked out, his account posted over 40 tweets claiming that he was a child molester. That couples well with being accused of fitting your daughter for her training bra. Can someone say dad of the year?
4. Billy Ray Cyrus
Okay, we all try to forget, but remember when Miley went through her awful phase? Like broke-up-with-Liam-twerked-on-giant-stuffed-animals-and-made-trash-music phase? Yeah, that wasn’t her fault. Ask any shrink out there, and they will tell you that your nasty skank phase is your parents’ fault. Miley even came forward and said Hannah Montana really f*cked her up. And who was instrumental in that? Her father.
I mean, Jesus Christ, not only did he play a stage parent, he played her father on the show and had the world’s most annoying catchphrases. Billy Ray later came forward and said the show ruined his family. Um, you’re an adult who should have his children’s best interest at heart. Miley was a clueless kid, so why’d you do it in the first place? Billy Ray is a one-hit wonder who piggybacked off his daughter’s fame 10 years ago. So he’s got loads of time on his hands. Maybe he should use that time to parent instead of posting sh*t on Twitter that only a teenage girl would post.
Much to think about. pic.twitter.com/8Er6a0qANY
— Billy Ray Cyrus (@billyraycyrus) June 9, 2015
5. Donald Trump
Look, every parent has a favorite kid, but good parents just refuse to admit it. Yet Donald Trump admitted that Tiffany is the daughter that he’s “less proud of.” Um, Tiffany is the only adult kid of his that probably isn’t going to be indicted for treason or whatever, so maybe take it easy on her.
His son Donald Trump Jr. is also probably going to be indicted because he was doing his father’s bidding. And besides Ivanka and her husband Jared’s legal transgressions, let’s focus on the fact that Donald seems to have the creepiest relationship on the planet with her. He once said she has a nice enough figure to be featured in Playboy. He also frequently makes comments about how hot her body is. Just like any dad would. He even went as far as to say that he would totally date her if he weren’t her father. Did Southern states vote for Trump because he’s just as chill with incest as they are? (LOL is that too far?) From being a father and husband to a businessman to the president to a decent human being, Donald Trump is clearly a horrific person on every level. But remember Hillary’s emails, though?
Images: (@stephenbaldwin7/Instagram; @sassyskips/Instagram; @charliercollection/Instagram; @billyrayecyrus/Twitter)
Hey there, it’s me again! Remember exactly one week ago, when I told you all about Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan, and how they were the most important Gen-Z couple you needed to know? Well, in a turn of events that honestly seems very appropriate, they’ve already broken up. Is this what whiplash feels like? As expected, Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan had one of the messiest Instagram breakups in recent memory, and I’m here to guide you through the twists and turns. It’s literally so difficult to keep up with these kids, but let’s all try our best to get through this together.
It all started when Xan posted this cryptic Instagram Story that was obviously about Noah. I mean, yikes. No context, no evidence, and lots of fans that immediately started having panic attacks. I’m already tired.
Luckily, Xan wasn’t in the mood to keep things cryptic for long, so he followed up with more Insta Stories, this time talking about what happened. Sort of. He explains that his song with Noah is canceled and won’t be getting a video, and also that he feels very used. Also, I know the man in these videos is 21, but I just cannot stop thinking that he is in 9th grade. SIR, ARE YOU 14?
This, dear reader, is where our story takes a bizarre turn. Enter, Noah Cyrus. On her Insta story, Noah posted a screenshot of her text convo with Xan, where she sent a meme of Charlie Puth’s head photoshopped on a porn star’s body. ???????? I don’t know the origin of this meme, but Noah said that this meme is what made Xan think Noah was cheating on him. I’m sorry, what? Okay, so this raises a few important questions. 1) Has Lil Xan never seen a photo of Charlie Puth? Have they never met? Lil Xan should definitely be aware of Charlie Puth. 2) Does Lil Xan not recognize that this photo is obviously of a gay porn star? Like, if Noah was sleeping with some dude and took a photo of him, it would not look like this. 3) Why am I turned on by this photo of Charlie Puth’s head on a porn star’s body???
Personally I think that finding this “meme” funny is breakup-worthy in and of itself. But okay, so the Charlie Puth thing is funny and very strange, but now I’m sad because Noah did an Instagram Live (dear God why), where she told her young fans to be careful in relationships. As she was sobbing into the camera (please girl, get off Instagram), she said she didn’t do anything she’s getting accused of, and that she didn’t know anything was wrong until she woke up to a text from her mom asking what was going on. If that’s true, it’s pretty messed up. I’m not sure what’s going on here, but I definitely feel like I’m #TeamNoah.
By this time, Noah and Xan had unfollowed each other on Instagram, which is probably for the best.
*WE NOW INTERRUPT OUR REGULAR PROGRAMMING FOR THIS VIDEO OF LIL XAN PEEING ON HIS PLATINUM RECORD*
*OKAY THAT’S ALL NOW BACK TO THE DRAMA*
Meanwhile, Lil Xan posted on his story that the breakup had nothing to do with the Charlie Puth meme, but instead this photo that Noah posted with an EDM producer named Ookay. Now, I understand that this photo looks like it could be a little suspect with no additional context, but the fact that Noah literally posted it to her public Instagram feed really makes me think there’s nothing shady going on. Like, she’s a singer and he’s a producer, they were probably recording together or something. I really feel like Xan is overreacting, and I hate that I have an opinion on this.
Now, we enter this tragic story’s gripping final act (for now). We’ve been through the cheating accusations made against Noah Cyrus, but what about Lil Xan? Well, Noah claims he was cheating on her!!! Holy projection, Batman! In a series of Instagram stories that are just text (my favorite genre of book), she claims that he was hanging out with this other girl at 2am, and then he had a hickey the next day. DUN DUN DUN. He claims it’s “just a bruise,” but never in the history of blood vessels has anything else caused a bruise like that on the side of your neck.
Are you exhausted? I’m exhausted. I can’t wait for a few years from now, when we can all laugh about this and they make it into a movie and the little boy from Big Little Lies wins his second Oscar for playing Lil Xan. For now, we can probably expect a lot more shady Instagram stories and Live feeds, but I cannot guarantee that I will keep paying attention. Stay in school kids, or else you could end up like this.
Images: @noahanddiego / Instagram (5); @xanxiety / Instagram; @noahcyrus / Instagram
As your trusted pop culture correspondent, it’s my job to stay up-to-date with all the important happenings in Hollywood, but it’s not always easy. Sometimes, a story comes across my desk that just makes me feel old. This is one of those times. Today, I’m here to educate you on the newest, trendiest couple in the celeb-verse, Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan. Who? What? Why? I share all of these questions, but we’re going to get through this together. Who are Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan, why do people care about them, and should I? Stay with me, and all will be revealed. And yes, to answer your next question, we are all ancient.
Noah Cyrus
We’ll start with the easiest part to understand. Noah Cyrus is Miley Cyrus’ younger sister, and she does music. She’s only 18 years old, but I would honestly believe it if you told me she was 35. She has an interesting look. She looks like if you turned Miley Cyrus into a porcelain doll, dyed her hair black, and then just like, stretched her out a little bit, but not in a bad way? If that sounds mean, I’ll just say that she looks a lot like Miley (which is a compliment), and way better than Lil Xan. But we’ll get to him in a minute.
Noah started out as a child actor, mostly just appearing in shows and movies for kids, including as a backup dancer in The Hannah Montana Movie. Wonder how she got that job. In 2016, Noah pivoted to a career in music, and since then she’s released a handful of singles that are at least mildly catchy. She’s making the same kind of moody, chill pop music as a million other 18/19-year-old girls right now (Madison Beer, Sabrina Carpenter, Carlie Hanson, Bea Miller, not that I’m into this sort of thing).
Lil Xan
*As I sat there, staring at Lil Xan’s Instagram and thinking about the college degree that I have, I couldn’t help but wonder, do I have to?*
Here I am, doing what needs to be done. Lil Xan (real name Diego Leanos) is a 21-year-old from outside of LA, and he’s one of those special humans that we like to call SoundCloud rappers. Basically, that means that he has face tattoos and has probably done a lot of drugs in his parents’ basement. He actually used to sell drugs, but now he’s anti-drugs. This might seem ironic, considering that he’s literally named after Xanax, but he’s talked about changing his stage name to Diego. Unclear if that’s actually going to happen, but I won’t hold my breath.
Lil Xan released his first album, Total Xanarchy, in April of this year, and the reviews were less than glowing. In The Guardian’s official review, Ben Beaumont-Thomas said that “I can confidently report that there are no good lyrics on this album.” Yikes. The album has 16 songs, which is like six too many, and it’s honestly exhausting. He’s no Kendrick Lamar, I’ll just say that.
Noah Cyrus & Lil Xan
Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan went public with their relationship back in July, when they both started posting Instagrams and stories of themselves basically cuddling and making out. It’s fun that more celeb couples are being public these days, but this whole thing feels a little like a bootleg Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson. Sorry Noah and Xan, but they already won the summer couple game this year. My favorite thing about them going public as a couple is that basically everyone was angry about it. Xan’s fans weren’t happy, Noah’s fans weren’t happy, and I’m still not happy that I even know who these people are. It’s 2018, and we just cannot have nice things.
Much like Pete and Ariana, the timeline of their relationship is really intriguing. The photo above was posted on July 30, and it seems safe to assume that this wasn’t the first day they were dating each other. But let’s take a time machine back to June 20, when Noah dropped a song featuring Tanner Alexander—who was her current boyfriend. Tanner is basically a rando, and it’s very unclear when he and Noah stopped dating, but she clearly moved on quickly. Last week, she and Xan released their first song together, so they’re either in it for the long haul, or they’ll be broken up by the time you read this.
The happy couple made their public debut together last week at the VMAs, and it was a lot. Noah looked good in a gold foil bikini and baggy pants, and Xan was wearing custom Off-White, which I can’t really hate on because I wish I could wear custom Off-White. Except I can kind of hate on it, because it was the VMAs, not Netflix and chill at a random apartment?? Put on some real pants—ok, you’re right, I’m aging myself. Outfits aside, they went viral for red carpet photos where he’s basically smashing his face into hers while she’s posing nicely for the camera.
Wow, this whole thing makes me feel very old. At least now you’ll be able to keep up with the youths in your life when they’re talking about Lil Xan. Thank god. Now please excuse me, I need to go listen to some Aretha Franklin to remember what music is supposed to sound like.
Images: @noahcyrus / Instagram (3); @xanxiety / Instagram
